ROOVERSE FINALE: Compromises (1/3)

[tzzzz]

Title: Compromises
Author: Tzzzz
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: mpreg, unrequited love
Parings: Highlight to view (spoilers): John/Rodney, John/Cam, Cam/Jennifer/Ronon, Cadman/Brown, Jack/Daniel, Jack/Sara/Frank Cromwell (A Matter of Time)
Spoilers: SGA: Seasons 4 & 5, SG1: A Matter of Time, the Ark of Truth
Beta:  Thanks so much to busaikko for taking the time to look this over and help me trim some of the fat, even though Cam kept pissing her off.
Summary: Cam looks back on how he came to his happily ever after.  Follows Tables Turned, Once There Was a Man Named Holland, Not a Henry, The Kangaroos and the Bees, What Rodney Wants, Conception, The Good of the One, Transferred, Baby Deedee, Brothers and Sisters, Dominus, Secundus, Pleb, Fathers and Sons, and Ever After.



Compromises
NOW

“Deedee, I want a piggy back ride!” Dane demanded, pulling on Cam’s hand expectantly.

“I don’t know, sport. Aren’t you a little big to be riding on your Deedee’s shoulders?” Cam asked, pretending as though he wouldn’t give in, even though he always did.

Dane pouted, his tiny face and his thin nose scrunching up in a way that even Rodney admitted was too cute to resist. Cam tickled him to make him stop. John had discovered that defense. Thank god he had, because it was the only weapon that any of them had against Dane’s pout.

“Your are one spoiled little boy, Dane Sheppard,” Cam muttered under his breath. “Your daddy carried you around in his pouch for far too long and now you sucker me into doing it whenever he’s not around.”

Dane giggled. With a glint in his blue eyes and the slightly pointed ears that he’d inherited from John, Dane’s mischievous giggles had a way of making him look like some kind of trickster elf. “Silly Deedee. You don’t have a pouch.”

Cam rolled his eyes. John was incubating again, which had provoked all kinds of questions from their son. Dane was fascinated by John’s pouch slit, and kept poking and prodding it, which Cam saw as hilarious, remembering how sensitive John had been when he was first carrying Dane. Cam had decided to let John and Rodney deal with the kangaroos and the bees. Cam had learned much more about guild society since meeting John’s family, but he happily feigned enough ignorance to foist that burden onto Dane’s other parents.

“I don’t have a pouch, so I guess I can’t carry you,” Cam teased.

“You carry me on your shoulders, Deedee!” Dane protested. “You know that.”

Cam ignored the way his joints protested when he swung Dane up and onto his shoulders, admitting (privately) that it wasn’t as easy as it had been when Dane was younger. Recently Jennifer had been on a kick of trying to rein Cam in now that he was on the wrong side of forty. Cam did not appreciate this new bee in her bonnet, but he admitted that with Dane almost six years old, the piggy back rides might have to stop soon.

Cam took the scenic route along the exterior walkways with their magnificent ocean view, smiling at the way Dane giggled enthusiastically at the sea birds. Rodney always complained that his fascination with birds was what happened when you had a flyboy times two. John and Cam were more than happy to buy into that interpretation, completely ignoring Jennifer’s assertion that maybe it meant they had a future ornithologist on their hands. Rodney couldn’t seem to decide which was worse - another pilot in the family or a biologist for a son. Cam smiled to himself, remembering how worked up Rodney had gotten when faced with those options. Even though Rodney couldn’t seem to do anything that would drag Dane’s attention away from the birds, at least Rodney had his own little mini-me to follow him around the lab asking a million questions and trying to braid Radek’s hair.

More than one soldier nodded to Cam as he passed, but by now they all knew that Cam was off duty and any official business would have to go through Colonel Teldy. Still, a few people stopped Cam to chat. He was especially glad to see Captain Cadman back on duty after her maternity leave. Cam did not envy her the 37 hours of labor it had taken to bring her daughter into the world and John had said he postponed the greenhouse horticulture seminar that her wife taught three times that year because they were both so sleep deprived. Cam reminded himself once again to thank his mother for having him the difficult way.

It was a beautiful day on New, New Lantia. The green sea sparkled and two of the three moons were visible as the sky slowly darkened. Cam and Dane were supposed to meet Rodney in the mess hall for dinner, but over the years Cam had developed a sixth sense for knowing when Rodney would be stuck in his lab. John joked that it was a key instinct to develop if you ever actually wanted to see Rodney. Today was a particularly obvious case - Rodney buried himself in his work when he needed to lose himself and he needed to lose himself when he was worried and the fact that John was laid up never failed to produce worry.

Cam kept Dane on his shoulders to prevent him from rushing the lab doors, just in case Rodney was doing some delicate work. Of course, Cam couldn’t do anything about Dane forcing the door open using his ATA gene and shouting, “Papa!”

Rodney was standing in front of one of the whiteboards, holding a debate with himself and his tablet, hands flying and fingers snapping. His hair was sticking up, as though he had been pulling it, he had two coffee stains on a shirt that Cam was pretty sure he’d been wearing for the past few days, and his eyes had that manic glaze to them that either spelled brilliance or trouble. “Rodney, if you keep pulling your hair, you’re going to go bald one day and you know that John is going to keep all of that crazy birdsnest of his just to spite you.” Teasing Rodney was really the only way they communicated.

“Laugh it up, flyboy,” Rodney replied, rubbing at his pouch scar - it was no doubt sensitive. “I’ve noticed your hairline making a slow retreat.”

Cam touched his hair self-consciously, but put on a shit-eating grin. “Maybe. But the difference between us is that you know I could pull off the shaved head. I did it in basic training and I can do it again.”

Of course, now that he could see his Papa, Dane was squirming to be let down like worms on a bait hook. “Watch it, squirt. I might drop you.”

As soon as his feet hit the floor, Dane was running to Rodney for a hug. Rodney obliged absently, still looking frazzled. As much as Cam had tried to distract Dane with a trip through the gate to the Athosian homeworld and Kanan’s special tatoro root cookies, he was still worried about his father.

And it didn’t help that his pouchmate was on Earth visiting his cousins and would have an extended stay until John was feeling better. Normally, Dane would have gone with him, even though he wasn’t blood-related to the McKays, but Dane had just gotten over a case of the Kirsan fever. Jennifer hadn’t wanted to risk him visiting Earth, even if in all likelihood he was no longer contagious. Cam wondered if they shouldn’t send Dane for a week or two, now that he was cleared for travel. Jeannie had sent word that Max had been restless and sleepwalking, something she attributed to not sleeping next to his brother for the first time since Dane had left the pouch.

Cam approached Rodney more cautiously than Dane had, but ended up putting his arm around him in a mirror of the comfort Dane still offered by clinging to Rodney’s legs. “Hang in there, buddy. John will be fine. This is minor compared to most of John’s visits to the infirmary.”

John had been in a serious crash using a Traveler ship to try to stop the rogue Asgard four years ago. He’d not only lost his friend Larrin, but had shattered two of his vertebrae. The injury had grounded him from military operations (unless Cam could send him on something that didn’t require he leave the puddlejumper), and now the extra weight from the incubation was putting too much pressure on the weakened area. John was on bedrest while they induced Rodney’s pouch to open for a transfer, but he’d probably have to wear a brace for weeks after that. Cam wasn’t worried as much as he was pained that John would be hurting for so long. It didn’t help that John was a cranky bastard who would not follow his doctor’s orders. This made Rodney neurotic and Jennifer frustrated, which basically meant that Cam was getting it from all sides.

John had been in such a foul mood this morning that after Cam made sure John had everything he needed, he’d snatched Dane up and escaped to the Athosian homeworld. Even Rodney, who could go into high gear mother-henning when he wanted to, had finally learned to just leave John alone when he was like this and let Jennifer or one of the nurses check on him.

Cam and Rodney waited until Dane had run over to his Uncle Radek to tell him about Max’s video message before continuing the conversation. “I know John will recover soon. He’s just driving me crazy,” Rodney admitted. “I mean, last time he was this far along he managed to evade an entire city full of marines, steal a ZPM and kidnap Radek when he’d lost his memory to the Kirsan fever. Sadly, I think I preferred that. That stubborn idiot wanted to incubate even though he knew this was a possibility and he wouldn’t let me open my pouch slit just in case. He thought he could strengthen his whatever muscles enough before he started to show and now he’s sullen because we have to wait two weeks before we can do the transfer. This all could’ve been easily avoided if not for his noble pride.”

“Hey, this all could have been avoided if you guys hadn’t decided to leave off the condom just this once.”

“You’re one to talk. I’m not the one with the Jack Daniels baby.”

“Hey, if anything, Dane is a Kentucky Bourbon baby.” Cam was grateful that they could finally joke about this. It had been a sore point for such a long time. “What’s your excuse?”

“Victory high. Inventing a whole new branch of physics to charge a ZPM is not just a guaranteed Nobel Prize, but it’s sexy as hell.”

“Technically it’s reinventing, considering that the Ancients charged a ton of those things. I’ll have to take your word on the sexiness of it. Victory sex while waiting for pickup on another planet after blowing up a hive ship, I can see, but filling in a number on a white board and not making it to the supply of condoms you keep in your desk, which was probably no more than ten feet away . . . no excuse.”

“Yeah, well after this, I’ll finally let Jennifer get her greedy little hands on my balls. No more surprises.”

“Hey, I’d feel compelled to defend Jenn’s honor, except half this base would probably be happy to neuter you. I hear it’s supposed to have a calming effect on dogs, so we can always hope it holds true for humans.”

Rodney gave Cam a sour look, but six years of co-parenting had taken the vitriol out of their little tete-a-tetes. Even though the words were cutting, for them, this was almost friendly. Cam could see the relief in Rodney’s eyes, belying his scowl. Rodney was taking comfort in the fact that at least his relationship with Cam was business-as-usual, anchoring him for how out-of-balance things were with John.

Cam softened, giving Rodney’s arm a comforting squeeze. “Hey, why don’t you and Dane record a message for Max and the gang and relax for a bit? I saw Kanaan slip Dane a few extra cookies when he thought I wasn’t watching, so we can probably delay dinner for half an hour. You’ve been dealing with a lot recently. I can check on John and grab Dane’s telescope so we can do a little stargazing before bedtime. We can skip bathtime because he got covered in mud playing with Torren and Teyla very nicely gave them both a bath.”

Rodney gave Cam a grateful smile and they enjoyed a moment of peaceful silence before Dane bounded over and demanded their attention.

***

THEN

Cam didn’t know how he would have coped with the giant bombshell John had dropped on him this afternoon if not for all of the things that had to be taken care of for the Registration ceremony. Dave - or maybe one of his many employees - was taking care of the event planning, but Cam still had to read up on some obscure Guild traditions that Dave had mentioned over dinner, avoid both Alexi and John’s father, make sure his suit was ironed, field calls from his family to coordinate their arrival tomorrow morning, and pretend to meet SG1 at the airport when he was really picking them up at a beam-in sight on a nearby country road.

Jack and Sam were combining the trip with a meeting at the Pentagon tomorrow morning and Vala wanted to see the Smithsonian, so they were coming tonight instead of right before the ceremony tomorrow evening. Cam had been worried about unleashing Vala on the National Mall, but now he was grateful that his friends would be in town. He and John had been living in their own little world since he’d come back to Earth and if Cam was being honest with himself, he’d been avoiding talking about it with them, ashamed that John didn’t want to make a commitment to him and hoping to convince him before he had to discuss it with anyone else. Cam had been the bearer of bad and uncomfortable news many times, but he still hated disappointing the people he cared about, even if he was just disappointing them with his own pathetic life.

But now he needed their perspective more than he needed to avoid his own embarrassment at the situation. Cam didn’t know when he’d been more happy to see Sam’s smiling face, not even counting the many times she’d pulled his ass out of the fire. Teal’c was also a good, if stoic, ally to have at his back. And even though socializing with General O’Neill still made Cam a little uncomfortable, infectious happiness seemed to roll off O’Neill and Daniel whenever they had time to spend together with Dalila, who Daniel held against one hip. Hell, Cam was even happy to see Vala and the bubbly distraction she provided.

“Congratulations, Cam,” Sam said, hugging Cam to her. Cam didn’t really know how, but Sam had become his best friend during his time at the SGC. And he had her to thank for arranging his visit to Atlantis after receiving the email from Specialist Dex about John incubating.

“Indeed, I am greatly anticipating this Taur’i ritual and to see you as a father, Cameron Mitchell,” Teal’c added.

“Hey, we invited you to Dalila’s Registration!” General O’Neill protested.

“Daniel Jackson has informed me that Dalila’s Registration was not a typical example of such an event, O’Neill.”

The General sighed, “So it got a little interrupted by Trust operatives.”

“And wasn’t very traditional to begin with,” Daniel added. O’Neill was from a very liberal guild whose only requirements for the registration were the minimum number of guild reps and witnesses that needed to be present. There was no formal claiming, recitation of recent family genealogy, or sworn statements on the paternity of the child with room for objections (that was all taken care of with a genetic test submitted in advance). O’Neill and Jackson had avoided the stuffy formal attire and memorized speeches that now hung over Cam’s head.

“Yes, yes, we are all very happy that you have knocked up that pretty Colonel from the sparkly city, but when are we visiting the museum where they keep the document with all the signatures and the treasure map on the back of it?” Vala begged, tugging on Daniel’s sleeve in search of support.

Cam gaped. “You let her watch National Treasure? Which one of you had that bright idea?”

General O’Neill whistled not-so-innocently, making Daniel pinch him and Cam groan.

“O’Neill said it would be a helpful addition to our understanding of the nation-state to which we nominally belong,” Teal’c added.

“Alright, we are definitely not showing up in front of the Sheppard family until the only person here with an actual degree on the subject fixes this.”

“Actually, I’m an archaeologist, not a historian, and my specialty is ancient civilizations, not American colonial--”

“Trust me, Daniel, the damage is already done. Anything you can salvage at this point would be good.”

Cam managed to keep up a smile as the rest of his team mostly entertained themselves throughout the car ride, the hotel check in and an early dinner. Having Dalila around was a great distraction, especially when, with perfect timing, she started crying right when Daniel had a mind to ask about John. She was probably the only thing that could distract Daniel from his stubborn curiosity and propensity to meddle.

Vala was determined to check out the local watering hole and scam some people at pool for her so-called “shoe shopping fund.” When Daniel and O’Neill begged off in order to put Dalila to bed and Cam said he’d drop them back, Sam volunteered to accompany them a little too easily for someone who was well known on base to be the sharkiest of the pool sharks.

It was the general’s turn to take care of bathtime for Dalila, so Sam herded Daniel and Cam into the sitting room of the suite Daniel had booked under O’Neill’s name at the local Guild Inn. The general didn’t like taking advantage of his guild membership, but Daniel liked having the free child care service available in case something came up. Sam, on the other hand, seemed more inclined to help herself to the free wet bar in the corner, where she gleefully poured each of them their favorite drink and one for the general.

The tumbler of bourbon that she deposited in front of Cam was almost overflowing. “Woah there, Carter. Are you trying to get me drunk?”

Sam ignored him. “Alright, Cam, spill. You can’t convince me that nothing’s wrong, so you might as well come out and tell us. And drink up.” She gave him a winning smile.

Cam sighed, knowing that this was the moment of truth. “John asked me to marry him.”

The small wrinkle between Daniel’s eyes deepened into the worried expression that he seemed to think was more subtle than an outright frown. “Isn’t that a good thing? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought you really liked John.” Cam may have been a little over-enthusiastic with his praises once he found out that they were thinking about replacing John as military commander after his first year in Atlantis. He also vaguely remembered describing John’s ass in excessive poetic detail to Daniel after he accidentally ate the offworld ceremonial equivalent of a giant pot brownie.

“I do really like him. I always have. But if I want to marry him, I also have to marry McKay.”

Both Sam and Daniel winced.

After a contemplative silence, Sam said, “That explains why he’s toned down his wildly inappropriate attempts to seduce me.”

“McKay isn’t an easy person to get along with,” Daniel added. “I don’t think being married to him would be simple, but underneath all the arrogance and pettiness and complete lack of tact, he is a very smart man, as I’m sure he will attest to.”

“Daniel, you’re not helping,” Cam complained.

“And,” Daniel replied pointedly, “he has saved the Pegasus Galaxy a dozen times. As annoying as he is, I don’t think McKay is a bad person.”

“I don’t think just not being a bad person is enough for Cam to want to marry someone, Daniel,” Sam argued. “McKay is entertainingly tactless at best and downright offensive when he’s at his worst. If you put a gun to his head, I believe that Rodney will do the right thing. The problem is that in a marriage you rarely have a gun to your head. You need good people skills to navigate all the little disagreements and disappointments of everyday life and Rodney doesn’t have that.”

Daniel nodded. “I’m not disagreeing, but I do think that McKay must have hidden depths. Sheppard seems like a smart, relatively normal guy, and if he likes McKay enough to ask him to be your secundus even though he clearly doesn’t need another partner for reproductive purposes, then there must be something that we’re missing.”

Cam sighed. “It’s obvious what’s missing. John’s in love with McKay, and he’s not in love with me. If it were anything else, he wouldn’t bother to include McKay at all.”

“How do you know he’s not in love with you both?” Sam asked.

Cam ducked his head to whisper, “He wouldn’t ask me to do this if he loved me.”

Daniel frowned, absently kissing his daughter on the forehead when O’Neill brought her back in for a goodnight kiss and let her lay down on the couch. From his experience babysitting, Cam knew that even though she wanted to stay up and talk with the adults, she’d be asleep in a few minutes. “How much do you know about triumvirate marriages, Cam?”

Cam shrugged. “They’re something noble people do. I never really paid much attention because I thought I’d never want something like that, even though plebs are starting to do it as well.”

“Triumvirate marriages started as a hedge against fertility problems,” Daniel said, already in full lecture-mode. “Nobles want to marry other nobles, but two imperials or an imperial and a women are non-reproductive couplings. Before genetic testing, it was impossible to know if a nobleman was an imperial or a royal, so if a marriage proved to be infertile, a third member could be added to aid in reproduction. It evolved beyond that, of course, so now their are triumvirates with no central couple, secunduses added for love, not fertility, and situations like what it sounds like you’re describing, in which one person loves and wants to marry two separate people.”

Cam couldn’t keep the grimace off his face. Maybe John was right when he teased Cam about his closed-minded pleb values, but even if he could see how triumvirate marriages could be biologically necessary, Cam couldn’t imagine how all those noblemen over the centuries dealt with their jealousy.

“Now, with genetic testing available,” Daniel continued, “the practice is on the decline, but still very much accepted in Guild society, especially in the case of unintentional pregnancy. In the more traditional guilds not marrying the donor of your firstborn is still considered scandalous. Before genetic tests, a carrier could and often did marry someone who was not the biological donor and assert that they were for the registry. After families started doing genetic mapping of their pedigrees, scholars found that around 15% of donors listed on the Guild registry were incorrect and thus made gene testing a requirement for Registry. This has lead to a lot of marriage that wouldn’t otherwise have occurred but are enforced for child-rearing purposes and usually ends in the taking of a secundus.”

“While that’s all very fascinating, Jackson. How does it help me?”

Daniel looked puzzled for a second, the way he normally did whenever he realized that he was a special little snowflake and probably the only person interested in some “amazing” cultural artifact. “Well, for starters, it means that Sheppard’s plan is hardly as offensive an option as you seem to think it is. Not only does it have firm roots in tradition, but it really can be an ingenious arrangement that lets people form alliances for the purposes of producing and raising children while allowing the option of injecting qualities into the marriage that it would otherwise lack with only two people. His decision is a product of his cultural context and in a way, you should be happy because it means that he wants to stand by you as the donor to his child. In the society Sheppard grew up in, love is only one of many motivating factors for marriage. If you do marry him and take McKay as a secundus, the three of you will be free to define the day-to-day of your marriage however you see fit.”

“I think what Daniel means to say is,” Colonel O’Neill added, squeezing his husband’s shoulders to stop him from protesting, “is this really that bad? I mean, the prospect of marrying Rodney McKay sends shivers down my spine, but I can tell you from experience that as complicated and messy as it looks now, it can work.”

Cam couldn’t help but sit up a little straighter, at once remembering that Colonel O’Neill was a guild man himself and that he was Cam’s superior officer, an officer Cam might have just insulted by questioning a noble tradition that he believed in. “You had a triumvirate marriage, sir?” And it obviously couldn’t have been too successful if O’Neill was with Daniel now.

O’Neill shrugged, but the tension didn’t leave his body with the slump of his shoulders. “I was an imperial who was in love with a female pleb and I was damned stupid enough to let the Air Force give me the chromosome test. I was going to leave the Guild so I could marry her, but then I got deployed. Can’t tell you where or how, but suffice it to say that we were under duress when I conceived Charlie with my second in command. I don’t think I’d ever called Frank anything other than Captain Cromwell before we were captured. After that it seemed stupid to bind my pouch, leave the Guild, and then look for a sperm donor, when I could raise Charlie with the woman I loved and the man who went back behind enemy lines in order to rescue me even though it was a lost cause.”

“And it worked?” Cam asked. “You were happy?”

O’Neill looked away from Cam, letting Daniel take his hand. It was probably the most vulnerability Cam had ever seen from his CO. He looked away, trying to respect O’Neill’s privacy, even as he was hanging on his every word. “It took work, but we were happy. If Charlie hadn’t . . .” O’Neill’s voice wavered for a moment, before he forced the slight tremor throughout his body to subside. “Even though at first Frank and Sara got along like a bag full of system lords, they grew to love each other. Hell, they’re still married. I was the one who was too fucked up to stay, after.” O’Neill didn’t have to say after what, the whole base knew that Charlie was a no-fly zone for the general. Cam couldn’t imagine losing a child, especially not one that he had carried. John had lost a neonate, not a ten-year-old and even that had scarred him for life.

“If Frank and Sara didn’t get along at first, what changed?” Cam asked. Maybe there was a path out of the mess he found himself in now, though he doubted it.

“They found some common ground, I guess. Somehow, one day when I came home they were curled up on the couch with Charlie, watching one of those period dramas I hate. I was so grateful that I wasn’t coming home to screaming spouses and a crying baby that I never asked them exactly what happened, but we bought an Imperial sized bed and never looked back.”

“There has to be more to it than that,” Cam replied. “I assume they weren’t fighting for no reason.”

O’Neill paused a moment, considering. “I’m not the best judge of these things, but I think they both felt insecure. Frank was giving up his chance to find love to raise a kid with his CO and a woman who hated him and Sara might have felt superfluous when Frank was the father and someone who I had grown to care about. Of course, it’s hard not to grow care about someone when you’ve spent months watching each other’s backs in a POW camp, not to mention that he was the donor of my child. Turns out surviving torture together is not half bad for the foundations of a marriage, even if I never would have fallen in love with Frank otherwise.”

Cam couldn’t help but grimace, trying to imagine giving up his own chance at finding someone who would love him back in order to make it work with John and McKay. It had worked for O’Neill and his spouses, but that didn’t mean it would work for Cam. John had already had years to return Cam’s feelings. If he were going to fall in love with him, wouldn’t he have done it already? Wouldn’t he have at least discussed this whole plan with Cam before he tried to concieve with Rodney?

Sam had been awfully quiet through the whole story and now she was staring at Cam with the same cool, slightly amused concentration that she applied to spaceships and alien technology. Cam tried to hide his conflicted expression, but it was too late.

“What?” Cam finally demanded, unable to support the full weight of her stare.

“It’s not just about not wanting a triumvirate marriage,” she deduced. “And it’s not just about not wanting to marry McKay. What’s the full story?”

Sometimes Cam hated how damned perceptive Sam could be, especially when Daniel and O’Neill were hardwired by many years of being on the same team to take Sam’s deductions as fact. They all looked at Cam expectantly.

“The full story is that I’ve been in love with John practically since we met. But John was engaged at the time. Then, after his fiance died, I was stuck recovering from the Battle of Antarctica and then he was in another galaxy. We never had the time to start a relationship. Then the Ancients kicked the expedition out of Atlantis and we were finally both single and stationed at the same place. The night we conceived Dane I thought was the culmination of years of feelings that never had the chance to bear fruit, but to John I think I was just a convenient distraction from the pain of being ripped from Atlantis. Less than 48 hours later he was back in the Pegasus Galaxy and not long after that he was fucking Rodney McKay.”

All three of Cam’s friends looked both pained and sympathetic as they listened.

“I don’t doubt that John cares about me. We’ve always been good friends and he has done absolutely everything to make sure that I know I will have a place in the baby’s life. But after he came back to Earth for the transfer, we didn’t start a relationship like I hoped we would. Even when I was spending all of my off time with him and taking care of his every need, John was always thinking about McKay. And now,” Cam couldn’t help the way his voice broke on the confession, “he comes back from a week visiting McKay and his sister and finally, finally has sex with me again, only to tell me afterwards that he and McKay had been trying to conceive a pouchmate for Dane the whole time he was away. Somehow he decided that we’d get married, he’d start carrying McKay’s kid and we’d take McKay as a secundus - all without discussing it with me first.”

After a long, stunned silence, during which Cam realized he was practically strangling a couch pillow and panting like he’d run a marathon, O’Neill offered, “That’s not very nice.”

“I’m not saying that Sheppard was right in doing what he did,” Daniel began. Daniel always had to be the damned devil’s advocate. “But you have to remember that he is the firstborn imperial son in a high-ranking lineage in the most prominent guild in the country. He has been raised to believe that this decision is his and his alone. And it is his body so I’m not sure how much say you should have in what he does with it. Even though he can’t make you marry him, he is the carrier of the child, possibly children, and in noble society that means he has the final word.”

“And how do you know that Sheppard doesn’t love you?” Sam asked. “He seems to be constantly shooting himself in the foot when it comes to expressing it, but if he’s stayed in the Air Force for this long as the firstborn imperial son of a prominent lineage, he’s not the kind of man to do something just because of tradition. He wouldn’t have asked you to marry him if he didn’t want to marry you.”

“He doesn’t love me as much as he loves McKay.”

“Who cares?” O’Neill demanded. “Going into it, Sara was the girl I would’ve left the guild for and Frank was just another damned good soldier under my command, not even a friend, but I grew to love him. I couldn’t measure it - I’m not sure you can measure how much you love someone - but I do know that leaving them was just as hard because of Frank as it was due to Sara.”

“But what if he never--” Cam whispered, suddenly feeling two feet tall.

“You make him, the way you made yourself learn how to walk again or the way you harassed SG1 back together,” O’Neill replied, as though it were as easy as that. O’Neill hadn’t spent years loving John Sheppard and hoping that the man returned a mere fraction of his feelings. “It might not be the epic romance your pleb parents promised you growing up, but if you have a son and a productive marriage and a husband who cares enough about you to try to find a solution that works for everyone and let’s not forget a flying city, you’re still pretty damned lucky.”

“And McKay?” Cam asked, knowing that he didn’t want to be alone in a room with McKay, let alone end up stuck married to him.

Sam laid it out clearly. “You have to decide if you love Sheppard enough to take McKay as part of the package or if you’d rather give up Sheppard to avoid McKay.”

Cam sighed. “My Momma always said that there’s no compromise in love.”

“But neither thing is what you want,” Sam said, frustrated. “What you want is Sheppard by himself, and that doesn’t appear possible. No matter what you choose, it will be a compromise. You just have to decide which compromise you can live with.”

Cam nodded, feeling that at least the fork in the road was now clear but feeling no less lost because of it.

***

NOW

Cam took a bracing inhalation before waving his hand across the door sensor and entering. John was on the couch in the living area, right where Cam had left him this morning. There was no sign that Rodney had been back today, the bastard - no crumbs on the kitchen counter, no movement on the massive mess on his desk, no clothes thrown haphazardly on the back of the couch. But there was an empty lunch tray on the coffee table and someone had drawn the blinds, so Jennifer’s staff had been doing their duty.

John gave Cam a weary wave without really smiling, pretending to be engrossed in whatever he was watching on the TV. He’d made it to the eight month mark in his gestation/incubation but just based on the pinched expression on his face, Cam didn’t want him incubating a day more. Sadly, Jennifer said that the earliest they could transfer was Friday, and even that was an optimistic estimate.

“Hey,” Cam said, sitting down next to John on the couch and slinging an arm delicately around his shoulders. “How are you doing, buddy?”

“Fine,” John growled.

“Mmmmm. I’ve heard that one before. Try again.”

John glared at him, but Cam had plenty of practice dealing with John’s stubbornness so he just stared patiently back.

John finally sighed, relenting. “I’m bored.”

Cam nodded. “But you were on bedrest for longer before Dane’s transfer,” he pointed out. “And you were a little bit of a pain in the ass, but not to the level that would make your husband not even sleep at home for fear of your wrath.”

“We both know that Rodney sometimes gets caught up in work. It’s no big deal.”

“John,” Cam said sternly.

“Fine,” John said stubbornly, massaging his stomach. “I’m in pain and I miss my kids and I should be able to fucking incubate my own son.” Ah, there was the heart of it.

“Okay, we can do something about that.” Cam looked around for the pain pills Jennifer had prescribed, surprised to find that there were quite a few missing - enough to be suspicious. He dumped the bottle out and counted - there were exactly the number missing to correspond to the recommended doses. He shot John a scrutinizing look and John looked away, pretending to be engrossed in an episode of Star Trek that Cam knew for a fact John had seen at least twenty times before. Definitely up to something.

Cam hit his com. “Banks, anything going on in ops?”

“I thought it was your day off, General,” came back.

“Don’t you worry about me sneaking in extra work,” Cam replied. “I know better than to step on Colonel Teldy’s toes. I mind my manners.”

“Don’t doubt you do, sir.”

“I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t pulling you away from anything urgent when I ask you a favor.”

“Again, sir?” Banks asked. Cam could hear the incredulous smile in her voice.

Cam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked down at the pill bottle. “It’s lorotridoxolene this time.”

A moment later, the tv screen switched from Captain Picard to a map of the room, the corner next to Rodney’s desk highlighted red.

“Thank you, Banks,” Cam said, not bothering to hide the harassed fatigue in his voice.

“Now, you’d think you wouldn’t bother with this shit in a city capable of scanning down to the molecule,” Cam scolded. “Not to mention wasting everyone’s time and making you look like an ornery teenager to my subordinates.”

John still wasn’t looking at him.

Cam walked over to the poor cactus in the corner, digging seven pain pills out of the soil at its base. “And you’re going to get in a whole heap of trouble if you kill the plant Katie gave to Rodney for his birthday by drugging it with medication you’re supposed to be taking.”

Cam took a new pill out of the bottle and poured John a glass of water to take it.

“I’ll be in more trouble if I drug the baby,” John replied, refusing.

Cam rolled his eyes. “Jennifer already went over this with you at least five times. You don’t have to tough it out. Your pain-related stress is worse for the baby than the drugs. Not to mention that the Guilds wouldn’t have invested so much money developing and promoting a painkiller that only passes trace amounts into breastmilk if it wasn’t safe, so down the hatch.”

After a long staring match, John finally took the offered pill and swallowed it down, sticking his tongue out afterwards to show Cam that he’d swallowed it. Cam wondered why he didn’t just let Rodney deal with this.

“Now, about the kids. The only reason Dane isn’t around is because you are being such a grouch, and Max will be back soon. Plus, I pulled a few strings to sign you up for a scheduled call time during the morning wormhole opening tomorrow and sent Jeannie an email letting her know to expect the call. You just have to make it a few more days until the transfer and then Jenn can put you back in that special brace you love so much and you’ll be working from home for the rest of the school break, so you’ll be sick of the kids again in no time. And in the end, you’ll be laid up for less time that you would’ve been if you had done the full incubation like planned.”

John half-grimaced at the mention of the back brace but seemed amused by the idea that Dane and Max would have him wanting to pull his hair out within a few weeks of downtime. But bringing up the incubation made him scowl.

John’s issues obviously ran deep. Rodney was going to owe Cam something big for handling this all by himself. At the very least he’d have to come through on those promised upgrades to the 302 fleet. Hell, for this he owed Cam a starship.

“Hey, let me give you one of my patented Mitchell foot massages.” He carefully slid under John’s feet on the ottoman.

“Cam, you don’t have to.”

Cam grinned. “Don’t tell me you don’t like them. They saw you through the first part of your incubation with Dane.”

John finally relented, letting his head fall back on the couch, while Cam pulled off his socks and dug his thumbs into the arch of John’s foot. “I shouldn’t let you spoil me,” John murmured, barely stifling a moan of relief.

Cam smirked. “Hey, this isn’t me spoiling you. It’s me plying you for information: like why you’re really upset about transferring the incubation to Rodney.”

“Not fair, Mitchell,” John groaned, covering his eyes with the hand that wasn’t resting on his swollen belly. “We decided not to split the incubation for a reason.”

“I know. You can conduct all your business from the city and you really enjoyed the incubation last time. And even though Rodney only had Max for a few months after Dane was weaned, he didn’t enjoy it that much. But this is about your health. Trust me, Rodney doesn’t mind some discomfort when it comes to keeping you healthy.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” John groaned. “Transferring to Rodney is not a choice.”

Now they were getting somewhere. Over the past six years, Cam had actually learned more about John from working with him than he had from raising a family with him. John was a control freak. Beneath the laid back surfer-boy exterior, John was hiding a man who always ended up making the sacrifice play, not just because he wouldn’t ask his men to do what he wasn’t willing to do himself, but because he didn’t trust anyone else to do it right. He let his subordinates do whatever they wanted, right up until the point where they failed his incredibly high expectations through no particular fault of their own. John was an inspiring leader, but a terrible manager (like most control freaks) and in truth, things had improved on Atlantis after Cam took over the military contingent.

Cam didn’t think that John had always been this way. He’d clearly been used to having a certain amount of autonomy in his life due to his noble upbringing and he’d resisted his father’s attempts to control him, but the man who Cam met in the desert so many years ago took his privilege for granted; the fear of having his control stripped away started when John lost Leo. John had been afraid of carrying Dane and afraid of pursuing another relationship where he’d have to depend on someone else not to break his heart. He’d been so afraid that the people he cared about would leave him without his consent that he’d slept with Cam again without discussing his attempts to conceive with Rodney, though that was an old wound, now long scarred over. Now, age and illness had stripped away an important part of John’s autonomy, and he wasn’t taking it well.

“I think that what’s really bothering you is that this is the last time you’ll incubate and even though you’re not planning on more kids, you don’t like the idea of not having the option. Rodney hated incubating because it was uncomfortable and inconvenient and I don’t think you like that part of it either. But you liked being able to give us children by sacrificing your comfort.”

“Don’t tell me you’re siding with Rodney on my so-called death wish, Cam. I haven’t taken a suicide mission since I almost lost Dane. I liked to be the one to introduce my kids to the world from the pouch, and I liked the feeling of being close to them.”

“You liked it when they were basically attached to your body and you could be the crazy overprotective papa bear that you are and there was nothing they could do about it.”

“That’s just good parenting, Cam.”

Cam rolled his eyes. “I think you like providing for your kids and providing for your family and now you have to let Rodney be the one to take care of you and take care of the baby and your ego can’t take it.”

John crossed his arms across his chest and glared at Cam, but he didn’t contradict him. “Aren’t you supposed to be comforting me in my fragile state?”

“You have never been fragile, John. Brittle, yes, but not fragile. And I never said I was here to comfort you.”

Cam finished his foot massage and returned to the couch to put his arm around John. “I’m here to force you out of this mood you’re in. You’re depressing the hell out of all of us.”

John gave Cam a watery smile. “Thanks. I missed your footrubs. Though really, the bastard who knocked me up should be the one doing this. You’ve got your own family to take care of. I feel guilty getting my feet rubbed by someone else’s husband.”

Cam smiled, leaning over to touch foreheads with John in an Athosian embrace. “Hey, just because you’re not my husband doesn’t mean that we’re not family and that I don’t love you.”

John blushed a little. Even after all these years he wasn’t comfortable hearing he was loved. He also wasn’t comfortable saying it back. He hadn’t said it since Cam rejected his marriage proposal.

“Besides, I’d give a footrub to any pregnant person in need.”

John swatted at Cam lightly. “Six years with your name in the Potentia Guild Registry and you still don’t know the difference between pregnant and carrying. My father is rolling in his grave.”

Cam laughed, giving John’s arm a supportive squeeze before standing. “Those pain pills should be kicking in soon. Get some rest. Dane and Rodney and I are having dinner in the mess and then we’ll do a little bit of stargazing before bedtime. Do you want him to stay here or would it be easier if he stayed with us again tonight?”

John wrinkled his nose, looking frustrated. “I want him here, but without Max he’s been sneaking into our bed at night.”

“Don’t I know it,” Cam replied. “He may have almost caught what I was prepared to tell him was a special adult game of naked bed wrestling the other night. I have never been so grateful for all those stupid throw pillows that I can’t seem to stop Jennifer from sneaking into the supply runs. I think now she’s just doing it to annoy me.”

“That’s what you get for moving Cadman to supply when she was pregnant. I hope he wasn’t interrupting anything. I know you’ve been trying to get pregnant yourselves.”

“Well, he was interrupting something, but we’re not on a timetable and we love having him. Plus that kid is going to be great at soccer for how hard he kicks. That can’t be good for your back or for the baby. We’ll stop by so Dane can get a goodnight kiss and I’ll bring you some dinner for after the nap you’re going to take right now.”

“Yes, dad.”

“And I’ll make sure that Rodney can’t retreat back to the lab. He’s worried about you and the all the hormones he’s on to rush his pouch opening certainly don’t help. Try to be less of a grouchy pain in the ass and take your damned pills for him.”

“I’ll be all sweetness and rainbows.”

“Yeah, that will definitely happen. I’m going to grab Dane’s telescope then I’ll leave you to that nap.”

Cam thought John had already dozed off when he came back from the boy’s room and was quietly walking towards the door, but John called him. “Hey, Cam. Thanks.”

“Think nothing of it, sunshine.”

John’s eyes drooped and Cam couldn’t help but grin, taking in what was still a very attractive sight. John only ever managed sweetness and rainbows when he was asleep.

***

THEN

Cam practically sleepwalked through the Registration ceremony. Any other time, he might have been fascinated by the insight it gave him into the world John grew up in, but he was still reeling from John’s . . . he didn’t even have any idea what to call it. Revelation? Declaration? Offer? Unilateral decision?

Cam had been in love with John since almost the moment they met. He’d been his buddy, his confidant, his colleague, his best friend, briefly his lover, and he was the donor of John’s child, but he obviously still had no idea who John Sheppard was. The John Sheppard Cam thought he knew could hurt Cam in a million different little ways, but those were shallow cuts. Cam hadn’t thought John was capable of inflicting a wound that seemed to cut Cam down twenty sizes, but he’d sure as hell done it. And Cam didn’t know if the fact that John actually expected Cam to be happy, even grateful, for the insane resolution John had chosen for all of them made John more guilty or less.

On the one hand, Daniel was right: John’s decisionmaking process made a lot more sense from the point of view of how John was raised. This week with John’s family had been a revelation in and of itself, highlighting how much the silver-spoon life that John was born into differed from Cam’s plebeian farm life. But, unlike Daniel and his unremitting tendency to conflate empathy and forgiveness, Cam wasn’t willing to give John a free pass due to culture. The great love of John’s life had been a pleb and he’d done his damnedest to blend in with the plebs in the service and never get grouped with the noblemen. Cam had one week to realize how different their backgrounds clearly were, whereas John had fifteen years to figure out that the things he’d been raised to just accept were far, far outside the norm in the ordinary world! Cam could accept that John’s upbringing would lead him to come up with this crazy group marriage option as a solution, but that didn’t excuse forcing it on Cam without his prior consent. The more Cam had thought about it, the angrier he got.

If John loved Cam as he said he did, then he wouldn’t have ever thought that Cam could be on board with this. Loving someone wasn’t about loving what they could do for you or loving the way they made you feel - it was about loving a person for who they were. Not being able to figure out something as basic as Cam not wanting to be stuck in a marriage with a guy he disliked, maybe even loathed, meant that either John had no idea what it meant to love someone or the person that John loved had nothing to do with who Cam actually was.

Then again, Cam’s traitorous inner voice reminded him, if John could do something like this to Cam, then the John that Cam was in love with was not the John that had finally slept with Cam again only after he’d been actively trying to get pregnant with someone else.

The John that Cam was in love with was handsome, intelligent, stubborn, creative, determined, and fun to be around. John was still all those things. But the thing that had really made Cam fall in love with John was that John was not just a good man - he was the man that would go back for a wounded comrade against orders and against probable success; he was the man who would wait around the hospital rooms of strangers that he’d evaced in the course of his job just to make sure they were alright; he was the kind of man who cared too much and fought too hard for the people he cared about. Yes, John didn’t believe he was doing wrong by Cam, but if he really cared, he would have known that what he was doing was hurtful.

But what really bothered Cam, in his heart of hearts, was that John took for granted that the decision was his to make. It didn’t matter what anthropological reasons Daniel outlined for why it was better that the carriers of the child have the power and not the child’s sire. John had taken too much license because he’d taken advantage. John could start a relationship with someone else while he was pregnant with Cam’s child. He could make promises to that person that involved Cam’s future without consulting him. He could have sex with Cam without letting him know all the expectations behind it and even though McKay was a rival for John’s affections, Cam still thought the way that John had kept the poor guy panting after him a galaxy away while he was functionally living with his baby deedee was a shitty thing to do. But John could do it all, not because he was a carrier, but because both Cam and McKay loved him more than he loved them. They would do anything for a scrap of his affection and John had all the power because of it. Cam had never thought in a million years that John would abuse that power, but he was wrong. John had been born into a world where reproductive right was power and that power was used strategically and forcefully and John had not rejected that world as much as he had claimed.

It was a nasty thought, but Cam wondered if John actually thought that because he was the Guild man, the imperial, he was better than Cam and McKay? Did he think he had the right to use their love to force them into a situation that gave John everything he wanted and left them chasing scraps of their dreams?

Cam was spitting mad at John for the way he’d forced the issue and Cam knew that anger was deserved. But at the end of the day Cam still loved and wanted John and the baby meant that Cam couldn’t just remove himself from the situation. Sam was right: the bottom line was that Cam had to decide if he could live with John’s proposed solution.

Cam had been in love with John for so long that he’d almost forgotten what it was like not to be. Even though John was doing a damned good job of acting in a way that would make Cam fall out of love with him, Cam couldn’t help the way he felt. But love wasn’t always reciprocated, no matter what the princes in Disney films made young boys believe. Could Cam live with Rodney McKay the way General O’Neill’s first spouses had and eventually find a truce? Probably. But could he live with a John who loved Cam second best? Cam’s chest ached with the pain of knowing that John had chosen McKay first, and John would reopen that wound every day for the rest of their lives if Cam agreed to marry him.

Right now it didn’t feel like the wound could heal. This feeling of rawness felt eternal and the anger burned so bright that Cam wondered if it, too, would burn forever. The truth was, Cam didn’t like who he was at the moment. He didn’t like pathetically panting after John and begging for scraps, and he didn’t like being so angry at someone that he supposedly loved. Most of all, he hated this feeling of jealousy that seemed to crawl and itch beneath his skin.

He tried to imagine the future from this moment onward. If he married John and McKay, he’d have Dane and he’d have a family. He’d eventually stop feeling that the triumvirate marriage was unnatural and embrace how much easier it was to take care of two children if you had three parents. John’s love for Cam would undoubtedly deepen, but would probably never match what he felt for McKay. Cam and McKay would trade off nights with John. Maybe they’d even branch out into threeway sex. Cam might even conceive another child with McKay eventually. They’d live on Atlantis and continue to be badass space explorers. They’d learn to work with each other for the sake of their kids. They’d go to guild functions with John’s family and visit Rodney’s in Canada and Cam’s in Kansas and eventually Cam would learn whatever it was John saw in Rodney McKay.

Maybe after years even the jealousy and anger would disappear. But what if the hurt never faded? What if living a good life wasn’t enough to make up for the fact that the man Cam was in love with would never return his feelings in the same way? Could he sit back and watch John love McKay the way Cam himself wanted to be loved?

General O’Neill had done it and John’s brother did it and they were happy. But Cam wasn’t a noble and as stupid and romantic and possibly harlequinesque as it was, Cam wanted to marry for love. So what if his pleb values were impractical and quaint? Cam knew that he didn’t deserve to be treated the way John had treated him and would continue to treat him. He deserved to have his hopes fulfilled, no compromises.

The bottom line was: Cam couldn’t live with John’s solution so he’d have to live apart.

Part 2