Chronicles of an Animal Control Officer: 2. Serpent
So, remember Kir?
...
Yeah, I thought not. -__-
Well, this is the second in my series of ficlets starring him. Howler was the first.
This one is called...
Chronicles of an Animal Control Officer: 2. Serpent
"Kir!"
Setting aside the report he'd been working on, Kir slowly looked up to meet Martin's gaze with one of his favorite "Do Not Disturb" glares. As usual, the warlock flinched and fidgeted nervously.
"Uh, Herne wants to see you," Martin mumbled, backing away. Kir waited until the man had backed into the water cooler before looking away, setting aside the papers to be worked on later. Or maybe he'd make Martin do it. That was always fun.
He carried that happy thought with him to Herne's office, though it evaporated immediately upon meeting his boss's eyes.
"No."
Herne's smirk widened. "I haven't even explained the assignment yet."
Kir crossed his arms. "Whenever you grin at me like that, I know you're up to no good."
"You have a point there," Herne admitted cheerfully, leaning forward. "So, here's the deal. PD got a call about a monster under a house. As usual, nobody bothered to consult us and they tried to handle it themselves."
Kir arched a brow. "So what happened?"
Herne shrugged. "Two people got eaten. Or so they tell me."
"Ah." Kir grimaced. "Any guesses on the nature of this man-eating monster?"
Herne smirked. "Those on the scene said it looked like an anaconda."
"Anaconda." Mortals these days watched far too many movies. "PD wouldn't have bothered to call us if it was simply someone's exotic pet that had gotten loose." Kir arched a brow. "I take it this 'anaconda' is bulletproof."
Herne's smirk widened. "Got it in one. Knew there was a reason I keep your uppity ass around."
Kir snorted. "Keep talking like that and I'll mount your antlers on my wall."
Herne bared his teeth in a feral smile. "Try it."
"You don't think I could take you down?"
"No one takes down Herne the Hunter, mutt."
"Call me that one more time and-" Kir broke off as Celaina poked her head into the office.
"Hey boss, got a badge on the line wanting to know when our expert's gonna be there." She paused, then smirked at Kir. "Lucky you."
Kir stiffened. "PD's still on the scene? Fuck no."
Herne's eyes narrowed. "This is not a discussion. There are only a handful of creatures our mystery snake may be, and you're the best one to deal with them." He paused, then gave Celaina a pointed look. "Although if someone doesn't get her feathery ass out of my office now..."
Celaina eeped and made a hasty retreat. Kir simply grimaced.
"Can't you send Igor? He likes snakes."
Herne arched a brow. "He's a vampire."
"So?"
They both turned to the window, through which bright morning sunlight was shining.
Kir sighed. "Martin?"
Herne simply arched a brow. Kir spared a moment to make a disparaging mental comment about supremely timid warlocks.
"Why did you ever hire him?"
Herne shrugged. "He's powerful."
Kir snorted. "Power is useless if he's too busy cowering to actually use it."
Herne shot him a pointed look. "He has his uses. So do you. Go."
For a moment, Kir considered arguing further, but decided that it probably wasn't worth the hassle. He did flip Herne the bird on the way out, ducking around the corner to avoid the paperweight that crashed into the wall right where his head had been. Kir heard a growl come from the office he'd just left and smiled.
Making Herne the Hunter miss was a lot of fun.
The smile faded, however, as he left the building and stepped out into the parking lot. Why couldn't it have just been a normal call? Why did PD have to be involved? The muscles in his shoulders were already tensing and he hadn't even gotten there yet. By tonight he was going to be a stiff mess.
Stupid PD thought they knew everything and looked down on Animal Control for only dealing with the 'easy' cases. They didn't know a fraction of what they thought they knew, which was only all too evident any time they had to call for help.
Kir snorted. If PD couldn't shoot it, they didn't know what to do. Hence how he'd deduced that, whatever the giant snake was, it was bulletproof.
"Hey guys," Kir greeted as he opened the door of the truck. "Been good?"
Two cheerful chirps answered him, followed by a quiet snort. Kir smiled as George crawled up onto the seat and eyed the two kitsune with obvious disdain.
It was hard not to laugh. "Really, George? They were that bad?"
Akisu and Itazura chattered wildly until George blew a lick of flame at them, prompting the furry duo to yelp and hide under the seat and away from the big scary dragon.
Snickering quietly, Kir fished his supply case out from behind the seat and rummaged around until he found a bottle marked sunscreen. He snorted - sunscreen indeed - and set about stripping down to his skin. If a few of his idiot co-workers got an eyeful, then so be it. He wasn't going in unprepared.
Kir lavishly coated himself in 'sunscreen' (SPF 2K) then redressed and hopped into the driver's seat of his truck. Akisu and Itazura bounced up to greet him, stopping and wrinkling their noses at the smell that coated him.
"Yeah, I know, nasty," Kir said, pulling out and heading to the address of the snake-monster. "I'll wash it off when we get back."
Akisu and Itazura chattered at him for a minute before reluctantly settling on the far side of the seat, offering the occasional grumpy protest for the rest of the ride. George, true to form, ignored all three of them.
It was impossible to miss the place when they arrived; three police cars - two marked, one less so - stood out, even without the aid of yards and yards of caution tape. Kir rolled his eyes as he pulled up, hopping out and heading around back to where he found a cluster of terrified mortals and two somewhat-irritated-looking cops. They all looked over at him as he approached, and the uniformed officer held up a hand as if to stop him.
"This is a restricted area."
Kir snorted. As if all the bright yellow DANGER tape hadn't been a big enough clue.
"No, really?"
The other cop, the one not in uniform, narrowed his eyes and studied Kir for a moment, then abruptly scowled. "You're the expert from Animal Control."
Kir smirked. "Expert? I'm flattered." The man got a point for intelligence, and another for filling out his clothing in entirely appealing ways, but his total was still negative due to the whole being-a-cop thing.
The hot cop's scowl darkened. "ID."
Oh, this was fun. "You first."
Although Kir expected him to argue further, he was surprised as the man reached inside his jacket and flipped open his badge. A moment of hesitation later and a sharp glance from Mister tall, dark, and surprisingly cooperative, the uniformed cop did so as well.
Uniform was Officer Nathan Connor. His authoritative plain clothed friend was Detective Kallias Anderson.
Kir could feel an incredulous smile spreading across his face and didn't even bother to hide it. "Kallias? Your name is beauty?"
Uniformed cop, aka Officer Connor, turned toward his fellow officer in surprise. Detective Kallias Anderson merely grit his teeth.
"ID."
"I mean, not that I'm disputing the validity of it, but really. Kallias?" Kir said cheerfully as he fished out his wallet and brandished his ID. He wasn't remotely surprised when Detective Anderson snatched it out of his hand and subjected it to intense scrutiny. Unfortunately for the detective, it was perfectly legit.
Well, the part about him being a licensed animal control officer was legit. Most of the rest of it wasn't. But that was just par for the course when you were an immortal living in the human world.
And, given the way Detective Anderson's gaze flicked from the ID to Kir to Officer Connor and back down before his lips thinned and Kir's ID was shoved roughly back, Kir suspected that the detective was not unaware of the inaccuracies, yet was saying nothing. Interesting. So was he merely an informed mortal, or something else? He hadn't displayed any indications, but then, some didn't at first.
It bore watching.
"You can deal with the serpent?" Detective Anderson demanded gruffly.
Kir shrugged and pocketed his ID. "Probably. Won't know till I see it." He glanced around, noting a large opening formerly covered by a grate that led underneath the house. "In there?"
He headed toward it, only to get yanked back after only a few steps.
"Don't get close," Detective Anderson warned, his hand tight around Kir's arm. "We've already lost two men that way."
Kir resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Yes, I know." He pointedly eyed the hand on his arm until Detective Anderson let go. "Contrary to popular opinion, I do know what I'm doing."
"Right, so you're just going to walk in there unarmed to face a serpent that's already killed two good cops."
"Killed?" Kir arched a brow. "Snakes have a slow digestive system. Your men may still be alive."
"Alive?" Detective Anderson echoed, as though the thought had never before occurred to him. Which it probably hadn't.
Kir took the opportunity to make for the house again before the shock wore off, whistling quietly under his breath. With any luck, it would be one of the serpents susceptible to such things. If not, well, he'd deal with that when the time came.
Nothing happened as he approached and knelt down, nor as he began crawling into the gaping darkness, but once he was completely inside he caught a glimpse of scales. Dark scales, perhaps black, but more likely a deep green. If he was right...
Testing his theory, Kir stopped his whistling. There was silence for a moment, then the vague shifting of a large scaled body, and then it struck.
He didn't even try to dodge, but instead dove headfirst into the serpent's mouth. The brief glimpse he got before he was swallowed entirely was all he needed to confirm that, yes, he was up against exactly what he'd thought he was.
A midgard serpent.
Suddenly cheerful, Kir wriggled his way down the snake's gullet until he found something blocking his way. A few exploratory gropes revealed it to be man-shaped, and Kir set about dragging his find backwards up the belly of the snake.
It was slow going, but doable. The hardest part was once he got to the snake's mouth and had to extricate both himself and his cargo without falling afoul of those poisoned fangs. There were a few possible options, but the swiftest one was to apply a little judicious magic. Hopefully it would be small enough that no one would be able to sense it.
Open up, little guy...
For a moment it seemed as though the midgard serpent would fight him, forcing Kir to use stronger magic, but finally it opened up and Kir was able to shimmy out. He hauled the dead weight of the unconscious cop to the hole, whistling to get the waiting officers' attention.
He wasn't really surprised when Detective Pretty was the one to respond.
"Do you have gloves?" Kir demanded as soon as the man was within earshot.
The confusion was obvious. "Gloves?"
"Yeah, you know, goes over your hands? Protects them from heat and cold and toxic snake spit?"
Detective Anderson blinked, then comprehension dawned. He fished a pair of well-used gloves out of his pockets, and as soon as they were on Kir handed the unconscious cop out to him.
"How did you-"
Kir cut him off. "Don't touch the slime with your bare skin. Get him washed off and get someone here who can treat him for chemical burns. I'll be back."
Ignoring the oath and beginning of an objection, Kir ducked back under the house and relocated the midgard serpent's head. It had shaken off the earlier magic and hissed at him as he approached.
"Well?" he asked. "Aren't you going to eat me?"
Apparently that was all it had been waiting for - or it just found the sound of Kir's voice particularly irritating - for in the next moment it struck. Quick reflexes let him narrowly avoid the sharp fangs, and once more utter darkness closed in around him as he went for a swim in the belly of a snake.
He so wasn't getting paid enough for this.
It took longer this time to locate the second officer, given that he'd been swallowed first and was thus further inside the snake's digestive system. But eventually Kir managed to get him hauled out of the snake and back into the light.
There were paramedics waiting, all of whom were wearing full protective gear - including gloves. Interesting. Kir handed his find out to them and crawled out, grimacing at the slime that covered him. So much for that uniform. Although, at least his was still mostly intact. The two police officers he'd rescued were practically nude, their clothes eaten away into nothing.
Ignoring his audience for the time being, Kir turned back toward the dark hole where the midgard serpent lurked. It wasn't attacking yet, which meant either his second spell was still active or the snake had realized he was a force to be wary of. Good. Maybe it would come along quietly.
He was debating the various methods of snake enchantment and whether or not they would apply to midgard serpents when a firm hand landed on his shoulder.
"What's going on here? How can they still be alive?"
Detective Sexy. Oh joy.
"It's a paralyzing enzyme that places the serpent's food into a state of suspended animation until it gets time to digest." Kir said blandly.
The detective's eyes narrowed. "So why aren't you affected?"
Kir grinned. "Sunscreen for snake spit. I greased up ahead of time when I got the assignment. Just in case, y'know, I had to go diving into a snake's belly."
"Sunscreen for snake saliva," Detective Anderson repeated flatly. "And you just happened to have some available."
"Of course!" Kir replied with mock surprise. "In my line of work, you learn to be prepared for every possible scenario."
The detective didn't look convinced. Kir didn't care. He had a job to do. He was going to do it, and leave.
Ignoring Anderson, Kir returned his attention to the hole. He wasn't really in the mood for experimenting anymore, so the old tried and true it was. Time to charm a snake.
There was a small whistle on his key ring. A softly breathed word gave it the properties of a flute, and a second word strengthened the spell he was about to weave. His playing wasn't superb, but the notes were beyond the range of human hearing and the magic was more important to the midgard serpent.
Several people gaped as the serpent emerged from the hole. Kir ignored all of them in favor of drawing the creature to his waiting truck. There was a bit of a tense moment when it paused and looked over at the frightened onlookers and Kir had to risk a bit more magic to get it to behave as he wanted.
Finally, however, the snake was in the truck.
Thank goodness for folded-space spells.
"That was not an anaconda."
Kir turned around to find that Detective Anderson had followed him to his truck.
"It's not?" Kir feigned surprise. "Are you sure?"
Detective Anderson scowled at him. "Anaconda do not get that large. I want to know what that thing really was."
Kir summoned up the blandest expression he could manage. "A snake."
The detective's eye twitched. "Yes, I could see that. But what kind of snake?"
Oh, this was fun. "A big one?"
Detective Anderson's eyes flashed. "What is your problem?"
"My problem?" Kir dropped the facade. "My problem is with arrogant idiots who think they know everything and can't admit they're out of their league until someone gets hurt! Not every problem can be solved by shooting it!"
The detective's eyes widened, then narrowed. "You think your job is so complicated? Chasing down stray pets and overactive wildlife? Not a one of you could hack it on the Force."
Was it worth the repercussions to turn him into a gerbil? For a moment, Kir was sorely tempted. But that was fairly significant magic, and would almost certainly be noticed. The need for caution once again won out.
"No, of course not. We restrict ourselves to retrieving reptiles from under houses and rescuing competent police offers from the stomachs of baby serpents," Kir snapped. "We couldn't possibly face down what you great and mighty assholes do."
He stormed to the door of his truck, yanking it open with more force than was strictly necessary and throwing himself inside. The furry duo hid on the floor, picking up on his foul mood and staying scarce. As usual, George was nowhere to be seen. That was all to the better, really. Explaining foxes in his truck would be hard enough. Explaining a dragon would be something else entirely.
Detective Anderson appeared as Kir slammed the door shut. Kir could see his lips moving, the words, "What do you mean baby serpent?" easily understandable even muffled by the door. Kir rolled down the window and stuck his head out.
"Why don't you go look up 'midgard serpent' and then tell me what I can and can't hack." He started the truck and flipped Anderson off as he pulled away.
Stupid cops.
Stupid arrogant assholes.
Kir looked down at the tip of a scaled snout sticking out from underneath the seat. "George, I give you permission to roast any assholes we meet."
George's head emerged from beneath the seat enough to look up at Kir and blow a little trickle of flame. Kir grinned.
"And if we meet Detective Asshole Anderson again, I'll help you."
George's head disappeared back underneath the seat, and a moment later the seat gave a pleased little growly purr. Kir felt much better.
The happy feeling evaporated, however, when he'd barely gotten the midgard serpent put away and hadn't even made it back to his desk when Herne bellowed out his name. Sighing, Kir detoured to the boss's office.
"I just got off a call with the police department," Herne stated flatly as Kir entered. "Got a complaint on you."
Kir snorted. "And?"
Herne gave an exasperated sigh. "Could you at least try not to piss off anyone else? We have a hard enough time getting along with them in the first place. We don't need you to make it worse."
"If I'd been trying to piss them off, believe me, you'd have gotten a lot worse than just a complaint," Kir retorted, baring his teeth.
Herne considered that for a moment, then sighed again. "Get out."
There was something to be said for the fact that even Herne couldn't argue with that. Kir wondered if he should be proud of that or not. Probably.
His spirits picked up as he walked back to his desk and Martin cringed on the way by. Intimidating powerful warlocks was always an uplifting feeling. And in three more hours Igor would be in.
Time to go put epoxy in Purell bottles.
Kir whistled quietly to himself as he went to work.
...
Yeah, I thought not. -__-
Well, this is the second in my series of ficlets starring him. Howler was the first.
This one is called...
Chronicles of an Animal Control Officer: 2. Serpent
"Kir!"
Setting aside the report he'd been working on, Kir slowly looked up to meet Martin's gaze with one of his favorite "Do Not Disturb" glares. As usual, the warlock flinched and fidgeted nervously.
"Uh, Herne wants to see you," Martin mumbled, backing away. Kir waited until the man had backed into the water cooler before looking away, setting aside the papers to be worked on later. Or maybe he'd make Martin do it. That was always fun.
He carried that happy thought with him to Herne's office, though it evaporated immediately upon meeting his boss's eyes.
"No."
Herne's smirk widened. "I haven't even explained the assignment yet."
Kir crossed his arms. "Whenever you grin at me like that, I know you're up to no good."
"You have a point there," Herne admitted cheerfully, leaning forward. "So, here's the deal. PD got a call about a monster under a house. As usual, nobody bothered to consult us and they tried to handle it themselves."
Kir arched a brow. "So what happened?"
Herne shrugged. "Two people got eaten. Or so they tell me."
"Ah." Kir grimaced. "Any guesses on the nature of this man-eating monster?"
Herne smirked. "Those on the scene said it looked like an anaconda."
"Anaconda." Mortals these days watched far too many movies. "PD wouldn't have bothered to call us if it was simply someone's exotic pet that had gotten loose." Kir arched a brow. "I take it this 'anaconda' is bulletproof."
Herne's smirk widened. "Got it in one. Knew there was a reason I keep your uppity ass around."
Kir snorted. "Keep talking like that and I'll mount your antlers on my wall."
Herne bared his teeth in a feral smile. "Try it."
"You don't think I could take you down?"
"No one takes down Herne the Hunter, mutt."
"Call me that one more time and-" Kir broke off as Celaina poked her head into the office.
"Hey boss, got a badge on the line wanting to know when our expert's gonna be there." She paused, then smirked at Kir. "Lucky you."
Kir stiffened. "PD's still on the scene? Fuck no."
Herne's eyes narrowed. "This is not a discussion. There are only a handful of creatures our mystery snake may be, and you're the best one to deal with them." He paused, then gave Celaina a pointed look. "Although if someone doesn't get her feathery ass out of my office now..."
Celaina eeped and made a hasty retreat. Kir simply grimaced.
"Can't you send Igor? He likes snakes."
Herne arched a brow. "He's a vampire."
"So?"
They both turned to the window, through which bright morning sunlight was shining.
Kir sighed. "Martin?"
Herne simply arched a brow. Kir spared a moment to make a disparaging mental comment about supremely timid warlocks.
"Why did you ever hire him?"
Herne shrugged. "He's powerful."
Kir snorted. "Power is useless if he's too busy cowering to actually use it."
Herne shot him a pointed look. "He has his uses. So do you. Go."
For a moment, Kir considered arguing further, but decided that it probably wasn't worth the hassle. He did flip Herne the bird on the way out, ducking around the corner to avoid the paperweight that crashed into the wall right where his head had been. Kir heard a growl come from the office he'd just left and smiled.
Making Herne the Hunter miss was a lot of fun.
The smile faded, however, as he left the building and stepped out into the parking lot. Why couldn't it have just been a normal call? Why did PD have to be involved? The muscles in his shoulders were already tensing and he hadn't even gotten there yet. By tonight he was going to be a stiff mess.
Stupid PD thought they knew everything and looked down on Animal Control for only dealing with the 'easy' cases. They didn't know a fraction of what they thought they knew, which was only all too evident any time they had to call for help.
Kir snorted. If PD couldn't shoot it, they didn't know what to do. Hence how he'd deduced that, whatever the giant snake was, it was bulletproof.
"Hey guys," Kir greeted as he opened the door of the truck. "Been good?"
Two cheerful chirps answered him, followed by a quiet snort. Kir smiled as George crawled up onto the seat and eyed the two kitsune with obvious disdain.
It was hard not to laugh. "Really, George? They were that bad?"
Akisu and Itazura chattered wildly until George blew a lick of flame at them, prompting the furry duo to yelp and hide under the seat and away from the big scary dragon.
Snickering quietly, Kir fished his supply case out from behind the seat and rummaged around until he found a bottle marked sunscreen. He snorted - sunscreen indeed - and set about stripping down to his skin. If a few of his idiot co-workers got an eyeful, then so be it. He wasn't going in unprepared.
Kir lavishly coated himself in 'sunscreen' (SPF 2K) then redressed and hopped into the driver's seat of his truck. Akisu and Itazura bounced up to greet him, stopping and wrinkling their noses at the smell that coated him.
"Yeah, I know, nasty," Kir said, pulling out and heading to the address of the snake-monster. "I'll wash it off when we get back."
Akisu and Itazura chattered at him for a minute before reluctantly settling on the far side of the seat, offering the occasional grumpy protest for the rest of the ride. George, true to form, ignored all three of them.
It was impossible to miss the place when they arrived; three police cars - two marked, one less so - stood out, even without the aid of yards and yards of caution tape. Kir rolled his eyes as he pulled up, hopping out and heading around back to where he found a cluster of terrified mortals and two somewhat-irritated-looking cops. They all looked over at him as he approached, and the uniformed officer held up a hand as if to stop him.
"This is a restricted area."
Kir snorted. As if all the bright yellow DANGER tape hadn't been a big enough clue.
"No, really?"
The other cop, the one not in uniform, narrowed his eyes and studied Kir for a moment, then abruptly scowled. "You're the expert from Animal Control."
Kir smirked. "Expert? I'm flattered." The man got a point for intelligence, and another for filling out his clothing in entirely appealing ways, but his total was still negative due to the whole being-a-cop thing.
The hot cop's scowl darkened. "ID."
Oh, this was fun. "You first."
Although Kir expected him to argue further, he was surprised as the man reached inside his jacket and flipped open his badge. A moment of hesitation later and a sharp glance from Mister tall, dark, and surprisingly cooperative, the uniformed cop did so as well.
Uniform was Officer Nathan Connor. His authoritative plain clothed friend was Detective Kallias Anderson.
Kir could feel an incredulous smile spreading across his face and didn't even bother to hide it. "Kallias? Your name is beauty?"
Uniformed cop, aka Officer Connor, turned toward his fellow officer in surprise. Detective Kallias Anderson merely grit his teeth.
"ID."
"I mean, not that I'm disputing the validity of it, but really. Kallias?" Kir said cheerfully as he fished out his wallet and brandished his ID. He wasn't remotely surprised when Detective Anderson snatched it out of his hand and subjected it to intense scrutiny. Unfortunately for the detective, it was perfectly legit.
Well, the part about him being a licensed animal control officer was legit. Most of the rest of it wasn't. But that was just par for the course when you were an immortal living in the human world.
And, given the way Detective Anderson's gaze flicked from the ID to Kir to Officer Connor and back down before his lips thinned and Kir's ID was shoved roughly back, Kir suspected that the detective was not unaware of the inaccuracies, yet was saying nothing. Interesting. So was he merely an informed mortal, or something else? He hadn't displayed any indications, but then, some didn't at first.
It bore watching.
"You can deal with the serpent?" Detective Anderson demanded gruffly.
Kir shrugged and pocketed his ID. "Probably. Won't know till I see it." He glanced around, noting a large opening formerly covered by a grate that led underneath the house. "In there?"
He headed toward it, only to get yanked back after only a few steps.
"Don't get close," Detective Anderson warned, his hand tight around Kir's arm. "We've already lost two men that way."
Kir resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Yes, I know." He pointedly eyed the hand on his arm until Detective Anderson let go. "Contrary to popular opinion, I do know what I'm doing."
"Right, so you're just going to walk in there unarmed to face a serpent that's already killed two good cops."
"Killed?" Kir arched a brow. "Snakes have a slow digestive system. Your men may still be alive."
"Alive?" Detective Anderson echoed, as though the thought had never before occurred to him. Which it probably hadn't.
Kir took the opportunity to make for the house again before the shock wore off, whistling quietly under his breath. With any luck, it would be one of the serpents susceptible to such things. If not, well, he'd deal with that when the time came.
Nothing happened as he approached and knelt down, nor as he began crawling into the gaping darkness, but once he was completely inside he caught a glimpse of scales. Dark scales, perhaps black, but more likely a deep green. If he was right...
Testing his theory, Kir stopped his whistling. There was silence for a moment, then the vague shifting of a large scaled body, and then it struck.
He didn't even try to dodge, but instead dove headfirst into the serpent's mouth. The brief glimpse he got before he was swallowed entirely was all he needed to confirm that, yes, he was up against exactly what he'd thought he was.
A midgard serpent.
Suddenly cheerful, Kir wriggled his way down the snake's gullet until he found something blocking his way. A few exploratory gropes revealed it to be man-shaped, and Kir set about dragging his find backwards up the belly of the snake.
It was slow going, but doable. The hardest part was once he got to the snake's mouth and had to extricate both himself and his cargo without falling afoul of those poisoned fangs. There were a few possible options, but the swiftest one was to apply a little judicious magic. Hopefully it would be small enough that no one would be able to sense it.
Open up, little guy...
For a moment it seemed as though the midgard serpent would fight him, forcing Kir to use stronger magic, but finally it opened up and Kir was able to shimmy out. He hauled the dead weight of the unconscious cop to the hole, whistling to get the waiting officers' attention.
He wasn't really surprised when Detective Pretty was the one to respond.
"Do you have gloves?" Kir demanded as soon as the man was within earshot.
The confusion was obvious. "Gloves?"
"Yeah, you know, goes over your hands? Protects them from heat and cold and toxic snake spit?"
Detective Anderson blinked, then comprehension dawned. He fished a pair of well-used gloves out of his pockets, and as soon as they were on Kir handed the unconscious cop out to him.
"How did you-"
Kir cut him off. "Don't touch the slime with your bare skin. Get him washed off and get someone here who can treat him for chemical burns. I'll be back."
Ignoring the oath and beginning of an objection, Kir ducked back under the house and relocated the midgard serpent's head. It had shaken off the earlier magic and hissed at him as he approached.
"Well?" he asked. "Aren't you going to eat me?"
Apparently that was all it had been waiting for - or it just found the sound of Kir's voice particularly irritating - for in the next moment it struck. Quick reflexes let him narrowly avoid the sharp fangs, and once more utter darkness closed in around him as he went for a swim in the belly of a snake.
He so wasn't getting paid enough for this.
It took longer this time to locate the second officer, given that he'd been swallowed first and was thus further inside the snake's digestive system. But eventually Kir managed to get him hauled out of the snake and back into the light.
There were paramedics waiting, all of whom were wearing full protective gear - including gloves. Interesting. Kir handed his find out to them and crawled out, grimacing at the slime that covered him. So much for that uniform. Although, at least his was still mostly intact. The two police officers he'd rescued were practically nude, their clothes eaten away into nothing.
Ignoring his audience for the time being, Kir turned back toward the dark hole where the midgard serpent lurked. It wasn't attacking yet, which meant either his second spell was still active or the snake had realized he was a force to be wary of. Good. Maybe it would come along quietly.
He was debating the various methods of snake enchantment and whether or not they would apply to midgard serpents when a firm hand landed on his shoulder.
"What's going on here? How can they still be alive?"
Detective Sexy. Oh joy.
"It's a paralyzing enzyme that places the serpent's food into a state of suspended animation until it gets time to digest." Kir said blandly.
The detective's eyes narrowed. "So why aren't you affected?"
Kir grinned. "Sunscreen for snake spit. I greased up ahead of time when I got the assignment. Just in case, y'know, I had to go diving into a snake's belly."
"Sunscreen for snake saliva," Detective Anderson repeated flatly. "And you just happened to have some available."
"Of course!" Kir replied with mock surprise. "In my line of work, you learn to be prepared for every possible scenario."
The detective didn't look convinced. Kir didn't care. He had a job to do. He was going to do it, and leave.
Ignoring Anderson, Kir returned his attention to the hole. He wasn't really in the mood for experimenting anymore, so the old tried and true it was. Time to charm a snake.
There was a small whistle on his key ring. A softly breathed word gave it the properties of a flute, and a second word strengthened the spell he was about to weave. His playing wasn't superb, but the notes were beyond the range of human hearing and the magic was more important to the midgard serpent.
Several people gaped as the serpent emerged from the hole. Kir ignored all of them in favor of drawing the creature to his waiting truck. There was a bit of a tense moment when it paused and looked over at the frightened onlookers and Kir had to risk a bit more magic to get it to behave as he wanted.
Finally, however, the snake was in the truck.
Thank goodness for folded-space spells.
"That was not an anaconda."
Kir turned around to find that Detective Anderson had followed him to his truck.
"It's not?" Kir feigned surprise. "Are you sure?"
Detective Anderson scowled at him. "Anaconda do not get that large. I want to know what that thing really was."
Kir summoned up the blandest expression he could manage. "A snake."
The detective's eye twitched. "Yes, I could see that. But what kind of snake?"
Oh, this was fun. "A big one?"
Detective Anderson's eyes flashed. "What is your problem?"
"My problem?" Kir dropped the facade. "My problem is with arrogant idiots who think they know everything and can't admit they're out of their league until someone gets hurt! Not every problem can be solved by shooting it!"
The detective's eyes widened, then narrowed. "You think your job is so complicated? Chasing down stray pets and overactive wildlife? Not a one of you could hack it on the Force."
Was it worth the repercussions to turn him into a gerbil? For a moment, Kir was sorely tempted. But that was fairly significant magic, and would almost certainly be noticed. The need for caution once again won out.
"No, of course not. We restrict ourselves to retrieving reptiles from under houses and rescuing competent police offers from the stomachs of baby serpents," Kir snapped. "We couldn't possibly face down what you great and mighty assholes do."
He stormed to the door of his truck, yanking it open with more force than was strictly necessary and throwing himself inside. The furry duo hid on the floor, picking up on his foul mood and staying scarce. As usual, George was nowhere to be seen. That was all to the better, really. Explaining foxes in his truck would be hard enough. Explaining a dragon would be something else entirely.
Detective Anderson appeared as Kir slammed the door shut. Kir could see his lips moving, the words, "What do you mean baby serpent?" easily understandable even muffled by the door. Kir rolled down the window and stuck his head out.
"Why don't you go look up 'midgard serpent' and then tell me what I can and can't hack." He started the truck and flipped Anderson off as he pulled away.
Stupid cops.
Stupid arrogant assholes.
Kir looked down at the tip of a scaled snout sticking out from underneath the seat. "George, I give you permission to roast any assholes we meet."
George's head emerged from beneath the seat enough to look up at Kir and blow a little trickle of flame. Kir grinned.
"And if we meet Detective Asshole Anderson again, I'll help you."
George's head disappeared back underneath the seat, and a moment later the seat gave a pleased little growly purr. Kir felt much better.
The happy feeling evaporated, however, when he'd barely gotten the midgard serpent put away and hadn't even made it back to his desk when Herne bellowed out his name. Sighing, Kir detoured to the boss's office.
"I just got off a call with the police department," Herne stated flatly as Kir entered. "Got a complaint on you."
Kir snorted. "And?"
Herne gave an exasperated sigh. "Could you at least try not to piss off anyone else? We have a hard enough time getting along with them in the first place. We don't need you to make it worse."
"If I'd been trying to piss them off, believe me, you'd have gotten a lot worse than just a complaint," Kir retorted, baring his teeth.
Herne considered that for a moment, then sighed again. "Get out."
There was something to be said for the fact that even Herne couldn't argue with that. Kir wondered if he should be proud of that or not. Probably.
His spirits picked up as he walked back to his desk and Martin cringed on the way by. Intimidating powerful warlocks was always an uplifting feeling. And in three more hours Igor would be in.
Time to go put epoxy in Purell bottles.
Kir whistled quietly to himself as he went to work.