Severus, Redux: Chapter Eleven
Chapter Dedication: My 200th reviewer for Severus, Redux requested only that I continue my SSHG works-in-progress. Therefore this chapter is dedicated to the fabulous Azulkan2.
(In which Hermione attempts to learn Occlumancy, and Severus finds more than he expected.)
Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, 22 July 1996, 12:16 PM
"What are you doing?" Severus frowned at Hermione, bewildered. She was sitting on the floor cross-legged, facing the fireplace in Number Twelve’s library as if expecting a floo call. Except that the flames remained firmly yellow-orange, and her eyes were closed. He’d been watching her for about four minutes now as her brows knit and smoothed in turns, trying to figure out what in the world she could possibly be doing.
"Meditating." She answered.
"Meditating." He repeated doubtfully, and then sniffed heavily.
"Still have that cold? Been a while. The Professor mentioned to me that people who can Occlude are better at memory spells because they understand memories and thought patterns better. He won’t teach me Occlumency, but he told Harry last year that the first step is to clear your mind. So that’s what I’m doing." Her eyes opened and she gave him a hard stare. "It’s difficult though, with you staring at me like that."
Severus struggled to keep his face straight. "How are you supposed to Occlude someone trying to break into your mind if you can’t even keep your mind clear just because someone notices you behaving like a blockhead?"
She came perilously close to pouting then, her lips pursing prettily. Severus felt his pulse skip and had to control his shock. Her mouth. When had he started to notice her mouth? A cold frisson of dread snaked its way down his spine. It was happening again. He was starting to be far too comfortable with a girl who would never consider him that way. That would only end badly for him.
"Right then, it’s supposed to be so easy for you. You tell me how to do it."
"I…I don’t know. I just do it." Severus mumbled, sniffing again. Bloody head cold had been plaguing him for days now. "It sort of feels like I’ve got a wall of nothingness that hides my thoughts that I can slide up and down. Or maybe my thoughts sink back behind it. Or fade…I’m not really sure. I just sort of…do it. You just clear your thoughts out of the areas that people can go."
Hermione gave him a frustrated look. "How do you know where people can go? And how do you not think of something? As soon as I try to stop thinking, my brain suddenly seems to be even noisier than usual."
Severus sighed. A week into summer holidays, he had been transplanted to Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place as its only primary occupant. Order members breezed in and out on a regular basis, some staying for only a day or two, some as long as a week, apparently taking turns gawking and "babysitting" him. His older self had apparently been ordered by either Dumbledore or Lord Voldemort or both to take up residence at the old house on Spinners End only a few days after Hermione had finally been allowed to return to her home. For the remaining two-and-a-half months of summer, he had been stuck at the old, creepy house of his former nemesis.
Another week into his stay, Hermione had shown up again, school trunk in hand, accompanied by the professor. The older man had ostensibly picked up Hermione from her parents’ home on Dumbledore’s request, and she was to stay for the remaining couple of months before Hermione and Severus were to start their Sixth Year. The professor had told them rather curtly to stay out of trouble and had left again, barely remaining at the house longer than an hour.
When asked if her parents were bothered by the fact that she had only been home for a week between arriving late and leaving early, the girl had only stammered and looked guilty. She had finally muttered something about how they were perfectly fine with it, but her eyes wouldn’t meet his. Obviously her parents had been told something entirely different about where and with whom she was staying. She really was a rather dreadful liar.
A dreadful liar with a rather enchanting blush and really luscious lips and insane hair that really shouldn’t be attractive in the slightest, but somehow in the firelight looked…fetching. Severus shook himself. Fetching? He was an idiot. An absolutely ridiculous, senseless idiot. He groaned and dropped his head into his hands.
"What? It’s a perfectly reasonable question! And do you need a tissue?"
Severus deliberately took another congested sounding sniff, shaking his head. There had been a question? Oh, yes. Occlumency. "I don’t know!" He growled. "I can’t explain it. Better if I show you."
A flicker of fear passed over her features. "Show me? Like…you’ll be inside my head?"
"Well, how else are you supposed to learn?"
"Well, how did you?"
"I’m a born prodigy." He teased her smugly. "Special, you know?" He ruined it by sniffing again, feeling his chest tighten a bit as he did so.
She made a face at him and then said nervously, "What if you see something I don’t want you to?"
"I won’t go very deep. Try concentrating on something you don’t mind if I see. Or think of song lyrics or something. Once you get a feel for where I am, I’ll let go."
She wavered, clearly apprehensive. "Promise?"
He rolled his eyes. "Yes. Or I’ll stop where I am, anyway." He smirked at her. "We’ll go from there." She would have a harder time throwing him out once he was already in than keeping him out. Not that he really had any faith in her ability to do either at this point.
Her lips pursed again and Severus deliberately forced himself to think of something else. It would hardly do to enter her thoughts with her lips on his mind. She probably would not be able to tell, but it was always much more difficult to occlude from someone whose mind one was in.
"Here. Look me directly in the eyes." Severus reached out and placed just the tips of his fingers at her temples. Locking eyes with hers, he let himself fall into them, behind them, into her surface thoughts. His hands. There were no words; just the image of his hands and a wealth of emotions and memories combining and overlapping to create the thought.
Severus nearly recoiled from her mind in shock. She was thinking about his hands. The texture and heat of them against her temples layered with the memory of watching them while he talked. There was an image of him brewing chased by the image of the Professor’s hands while he brewed. She found his hands fascinating. She found the way he flicked his wand delightful and the way he gestured unerringly elegant.
Surprised, Severus watched, felt the images flicker about him: his hands wrapped around his wand, and the memory of them sliding up her bare waist, leaving warm trails of sensation behind them. His thumbs flicked over her nipples and caused little jolts of electricity, while his voice told her in a low, rumbling purr that he found her beautiful, sexy, perfect.
That had never happened. For a split second, Severus felt a flash of jealous anger at the thought that the professor must have touched Hermione this way. Then he realised that the hands in her thoughts were his; they were younger, less calloused, indisputably his. The thought jolted through him like a bolt of lightning. It wasn’t a memory; it was a fantasy! Hermione Granger had fantasised about his hands-about him touching her like that. The realisation made him hard as a rock, and the image of her fantasy-how she imagined his hands would make her feel-flashed through his mind again.
The imagery around him in her mind suddenly changed as she became aware what thoughts had risen to the surface at his touch-thoughts he had then seen. Horrified embarrassment coloured the mental world around him like a vivid pink/purple, and her thoughts coalesced into clear words.
Oh, gods! I can’t believe he saw me thinking th-! She abruptly cut herself off, and he felt her try to mentally jerk away from him, her eyes squeezing shut. Still surprised, he let her go, releasing his connection to her mind. They stared at each other for a moment, wide eyed.
"You-" He began.
"I never meant you to know about that!" She blurted. "I know you don’t like me like that, and gods, this is awkward. Can we just…pretend you didn’t see?" Her cheeks were flushed prettily, her eyes pleading with him. He stared at her a moment longer, trying to process what he had just seen.
She had fantasised about him, or about his hands and his voice, at least. Judging by her words, however-I know you don’t like me like that-probably more. A warm, incredulous feeling stole over him; a girl liked him-or wanted him, at least. Not just any girl, but one with really luscious lips, and apparently equally luscious looking tits.
She had imagined his hands on her naked body, had touched herself and heard his voice in her ear. The thought was incredibly flattering and did nothing for the erection her slightly pornographic thoughts had established. He shifted a little, glad that he was sitting in a way that didn’t make his problem obvious.
"No," he found himself suddenly answering. "We can’t. I can’t. Did you really…I mean, do you really…?"
The pink in her cheeks deepened and her eyes averted, her teeth sinking into her lower lip. Severus found himself wanting to bite her lip, too. He mentally replayed the moment in her fantasy where his thumbs had grazed her nipples. Like her cheeks, they had been flushed with colour, he remembered. They were a bit on the smaller side, the nipples tight little buds and a dusky coral colour. He didn’t have to make up what they might look like-he had her fantasies. They were perfect little handfuls and he wanted to see them in person.
"Stop staring at my chest," she groused waspishly.
"Hermione-" He started.
"Alright, yes, I did. I had a f-fan-tasy." She stumbled over the word, and her head ducked briefly. Then her chin jerked up and she stared at him mutinously. It lit her eyes on fire and her lips were redder from her teeth. He wanted to suck on them and then on those pretty, coral tipped breasts that he now knew she had.
She wasn’t beautiful the way Lily was-no, dumbshit, don’t think of Lily now!-Severus shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Classically lovely or not, Hermione was pretty, and definitely hot-blooded. More than that, she wanted him enough to think about it at least once. She wanted him. It was a rather mind-altering thought. To his surprise, tears glittered in her eyes when he refocused his attention again.
"You don’t have to shake your head and look so horrified! I said I know you don’t like me like that, didn’t I? You don’t have to be cruel. Just…forget about it. I’m sure you’ve had...thoughts before, about girls who didn’t want you. You don’t have to be an arse just because you caught me in mine!"
"I’m not! I mean, you’ve misunderstood," he blurted, feeling his own cheeks heat. "I’m not…I’m not horrified." Nervously, he felt his fingers pluck at the robes covering his knee, and then watched as her eyes were briefly drawn by the gesture. She realised he noticed, and blushed again, a little. The small gesture emboldened him. She wanted him.
"You...you’re not going to hold it over me are you? Tease me all the time?"
"Well…maybe a little," he smirked at her when she moaned a little, dropping her face into her hands. He lowered his voice a bit, trying to mimic the pitch she had fantasised about, and continued as casually as he could, "I suppose it rather depends on you."
She cautiously peeked up from her hands and to his gratification, her brown eyes had darkened just the slightest bit. She’d also sunk her teeth unconsciously into her lower lip again. "Me?"
Severus fidgeted, slightly, and said, "Well…yeah. Was it just…just that? I mean, were you just bored, and I was handy in your head, or was it…do you…?" Gods, he was going to die of mortification. He wished he had the same sort of confidence that Lucius Malfoy had, or even Sirius Black. He doubted either of them had ever had a conversation this awkward. Severus wasn’t about to let it go, though. Not now that he knew she had had thoughts like that about him.
She twisted her fingers nervously, "Oh. You mean…you mean do I fancy you?" Her eyes darkened again, this time with hurt. "What kind of girl do you think I am, Severus? You think I just think like that about…everyone?"
Shit. He’d fucked it up. Severus backpedalled. "No…of course not. I just…"
"Do you fancy me?" She returned, then quickly offered, "If you don’t, that’s okay-I don’t expect you to like me just because I, you know, like you, and if you don’t-"
"So you do then. Fancy me, I mean." He interrupted her.
She flushed again. "I…I rather thought that was made more than abundantly clear."
Severus spoke, so quietly that he could barely hear himself, "So do I. Fancy you, I mean." Hermione heard him, despite how quiet he was, and he was rewarded with a dazzling smile, her brown eyes lighting up again. It prompted him further and he daringly asked, "So if I were to say that I wanted to kiss you then, you’d say…?"
She gave him a tiny smile, and answered, "Maybe you should try it, instead."
Severus drew in a shuddering breath, his heart pounding, and crept a little closer to where she was. "Even though I’ve still got this cold?"
"Severus." She spoke quite firmly. "I’m really not going to say it again. This whole thing has already been awkward and embarrassing enough already. So either put your money where your mouth is and kiss me, or we never bring it up again."
Well, that was certainly clear enough. It was now or never, and that thought was really not acceptable. He wasn’t entirely sorted out in his head yet about how he felt about her, but he definitely did want to kiss her.
He shuffled closer, still on his knees, so that they were only a hairsbreadth apart. The image of her smooth skin suddenly flashed in his mind again, her small but pretty breasts, the image of his hands sliding over them both. He shivered slightly in reaction, trying to suppress a noise as he felt himself thump almost painfully in his pants. He supposed now would probably not be the best time to adjust himself, however.
Cautiously, he put his hands on her waist, and felt something inside him loosen a little in relief as her breath hitched. Suddenly feeling more confident, he slid his hands up her ribcage, the way they had in her fantasy. Her Muggle shirt was in the way, of course, but the action clearly reminded her as well; she stared at him with wide eyes, her breath coming out in small puffs of air.
"Like this, yeah?" he whispered. She didn’t answer, just stared at him, clearly anticipatory. Slowly, as if afraid she was going to suddenly shove him away, he leaned in and brushed his mouth against hers.
Her lips were soft and slightly parted and the kiss was over far too soon. He pulled back slightly, just in time to see her eyes flutter closed, and then leaned in again, closing his own eyes. His nose bumped hers and both their eyes flew open in shock. They paused a moment, and then her lips quivered in a half-smile.
He felt his cheeks heat. "Sorry," he muttered, scrunching his nose slightly. "It’s kind of big and I haven’t really done this before-"
"I like your nose."
"You what?" He stared at her in bemusement, feeling his own awkwardness settle again as she giggled slightly.
"I like your nose. It’s distinguished. It suits your face." She tilted her chin up and, to his shock, pressed a small kiss to the end of his nose. Severus blinked at her, not sure how to respond. She tilted her head at him slightly, and added, "I think you should kiss me again, now."
"Bossy," he informed her, but complied, pressing his lips to hers again. She responded just as softly, as sweetly as before, her lips clinging to his, parting a little, and then back again. He tightened his hold on her, enjoying the way she felt against him. When he felt her tongue lightly lick against his lower lip, he very nearly groaned out loud.
He hadn’t believed it would be like that book had described, all fire and absurd amount of "passionately"s, but he could certainly feel the potential. Remembering what it had mentioned about kissing, Severus tentatively touched his tongue to hers. The girl made a soft noise of pleased compliance and kissed him more thoroughly back, pressing herself more firmly against him, until she inevitably felt what Severus had been trying to circumspectly hide.
She pulled back slightly, her eyes wide again, and they stayed like that for a half beat, breaths mingling. "You want me," she whispered. "You really, actually want me. Me."
Severus felt his eyebrows lift. "Demonstrably," he answered, uncertain what else to say.
The girl gave a breathless sort of laugh, and then tugged his head back down to kiss him again. He was just beginning to wonder how long he’d be able to get away with snogging her, and whether or not he was allowed to kiss the spot behind her jaw and just under her ear that the book had mentioned, when the front door opened and shut with a thud.
Walburga Black’s portrait started hurling abuse at the newcomer and the two teenagers jerked apart as if burned. "Hello? Hermione? Atreus?" It was that rather depressed looking Auror, Tonks, back after being gone for nearly a week. "Where are you two?"
Hermione looked at Severus, smiling slightly, and then raised her voice, calling, "In the library!"
"Of course," the answer came back, "don’t know why I bothered asking."
"Hermione." Severus hissed it at her. Her eyes shot to him again. "This isn’t done. You and I…we’re not done."
Her smile widened. "Of course not, Atreus. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, you may have noticed, and the only way one can attain that is to practice."
Severus gave her an almost evil grin back. "That’s what I’ve always said about Occlumency, too," he retorted. The look on her face was priceless.
A/N: Man, I totally love awkward teenage crushes and puppy-love. I think it's so adorable. I remember being that age and feeling like the whole world hung on that one answer or kiss. Good to know Severus can put what he learned from "that book" too good use, eh? ;-)
Extra special thanks to my new final Nit-And-Brit Picker, Nathaniel Cardeu, who has made it possible for me to finally start posting this story once more. It was a rough road finding a good match who was both willing and had the time, and it's awesome to finally be back in the game again. :-)
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