You Thought WHAT Was A Good Idea?
Title: You Thought WHAT Was A Good Idea?
Author: Wyndewalker
Xover Fandom: The Losers (Movieverse)
Series: Five Relatives Xander Never Knew And One Who Wasn't But Wished He Was
Summary : Jensen's cousin comes to visit.
Challenge: twistedshorts August-Fic-A-Day - Day Seven
Author's note: I'm not completely happy with how this went but after the third rewrite I gave up and posted any way. Let me know if it works or not.
Rating: R for some swearing and mild violence.
Word Count: 1,611 according to Word
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to The Losers or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. All rights belong to their owners and I merely borrow the characters for your amusement.
Watching the standoff between Clay, Roque and Aisha that his announcement had provoked, Jake Jensen knew things were about to go very very badly. It wasn't all that surprising really. This had been building since Brazil and he'd known it was only a matter of time before the rest of them were going to have to choose between Clay and Roque. The decision was easy for him; where Cougar went, he went. Jake just hadn't expected that today would be decision day.
"I say we kill her and give Max back his hard drive once he agrees to clear our names," Roque insisted, pressing his gun harder against Aisha's forehead. She just bared her teeth in a feral snarl that Jake didn't find hot at all. Well, okay, he did but he knew he was messed up. Before Clay could respond the sound of I'm Too Sexy started coming from Jake's back pocket. Everyone turned to stare at him.
"Really, Jensen?" Pooch demanded.
"What?" Jake looked back at them, ignoring Cougar's amused, "Idiota." It wasn't like he'd done it on purpose. "Should I answer it? I should answer it. I'm gonna answer it." Jake tentatively flipped open his phone putting it to his ear. "Hello?"
"Are you or are you not supposed to be the smart cousin, Jake?" A familiar voice growled.
Jake's eyebrows practically crawled into his hairline. "Xander? How'd you get this phone number? How did you even know I was alive?"
"Yes, it's Xander and I knew because you are a dumbass, Jacob Jensen!" Xander shouted. "Did it not occur to you when you realized that you'd been fucked over by some shady CIA spook that, oh, maybe you should call your cousin who works for an organization with ties to *every* major world government? Did that thought never worm it's way through your tiny little pea-sized brain?"
Jake winced. "Uhm, is there any way I can answer that without you calling me a dumbass again?"
"Not really, no," Xander answered, snapping his phone shut as he walked into their current hideout. He was flanked by three gorgeous young women that had Jensen perking right up. It was only Xander's knowing look that kept him from saying anything. He did give Xander a quizzical look at the leather jacket he was wearing despite the Miami heat. Between that and the eye patch Jake really wanted to make a Nick Fury comment.
"Who the fuck are you?" Roque demanded keeping his gun trained on Aisha while pulling a large Bowie knife out of the sheath on his back. "You know this asshole, Jensen?"
"I'm the one with the connections to get you guys out of the holes you've dug yourselves," Xander answered before Jake could say anything. "Because seriously, you dipshits thought hijacking an armored truck in the middle of Miami in broad daylight with a helicopter that you'd already hijacked from the Army was a *good* idea? Put the gun down, Captain, before she snaps your arm in half. And, Aisha? What the fuck? You know better than this."
Jake tensed, getting ready to grab Cougar and get the hell out of the line of fire when Roque shifted his gun from Aisha to Xander. Before any of the Losers could even think to move Aisha had Roque on his knees, his gun arm twisted painfully to the side. One wrong move and he'd dislocate his shoulder at best. His gun was lying at Xander's feet while Aisha held the Bowie knife to Roque's throat. The other three women started to move but a hand gesture from Xander stilled them.
"No one threatens, Xander" Aisha snarled in Roque's ear.
"Aisha," Xander barked. She glared mutinously at him. "Let him go."
"But..."
"You're already skating on thin ice here. Let him go."
Letting out a hiss of frustration, she shoved Roque forward releasing him at the same time. He barely managed to stop himself from face-planting into the ground. A quick jerk of his head had Aisha shifting over to stand with three women. The immediately closed ranks around her without a word spoken.
"Alright," Clay said trying to get control of the situation. He had his pistol in hand but wisely kept it pointed at the ground. Jake could feel Cougar at his back and knew if any more violence erupted he would be yanked out of the way.
"I think you need to tell us who exactly you are, what your connection to Jensen and Aisha is, and just how you think you can help us."
"What? You can't..." Roque sputtered. "He's working for Max. He has to be."
"Shut up, Roque," Clay snapped.
"Yes," Xander drawled, "because if I was working for your archenemy I would walk right into your secret lair with seemingly minimal backup right after you made fools of almost two dozen armed men in the middle of Miami. You've figured out my daring plan to appear harmless and steal back whatever the hell it is you guys stole in the first place."
Jake couldn't help snickering at Xander's dramatics. He really wasn't surprised when Cougar smacked the back of his head. He let out a huff. "Guys, he's not working for Max. I don't know how he knows Aisha but he's my cousin Xander Harris." Jake frowned suddenly. "Aren't you supposed to be in Africa right now?"
"Yes, Jake, I'm supposed to be in Africa but my idiot cousin went and got himself 'killed'," Xander reminded him, making actual quote marks with his fingers. Xander turned his attention back to Clay. "It's really simple. As Jake said, I'm his cousin. I also happen to be the head of the African branch of the ICSW, and like third or fourth in command of the overall organization depending on the day. Aisha is one of my girls who went walkabout without telling anyone." He glared briefly at her for that.
"As for how I can help you? Easy. Based on what I've been able to dig up on the Max character I have resources he can only dream about and since his current plan appears to involve destroying the world and then remaking it to his specifications..." Xander spread his hands giving them a wide smile. "It wouldn't normally be in my jurisdiction but after hearing how this involved a family member I actually like plus one of my girls, well, the President was more than happy to let me takeover. He just asked that I keep the property damage to a minimum. I told him I'd try but I couldn't make any promises."
"President? As in the US President?" Clay asked in disbelief.
"Yep. So this is how it's going to work. You all are going to come with us. My people are going to wipe your slates, though I wouldn't recommend coming back to Miami for awhile. We'll get rid of those pesky death certificates. A little mojo and everyone will forget about your involvement in Brazil."
"What about Max? Our families?" Pooch asked. "I'm sure I was recognized earlier so he has to know about them by now."
"They're safe. One of the first things I did was put 24/7 security details on them."
"Yeah but they can be gotten around," Pooch started. Xander cut him off.
"No one gets past a Slayer much less five. Plus Max won't be a problem for much longer. Your wife is safe and other than some stress her pregnancy is going fine. Assuming she doesn't kill you you'll be home in time to see your kid born."
"Thank you," Pooch breathed a sigh of relief.
"Even if we believed you could do all that," Clay said, "you haven't said what you're going to do about Max."
"Max is mine," Aisha snarled stepping forward.
"You," Xander snapped, "are going to Cleveland so Faith can pound some sense into your head. You know the second rule of Slaying."
"I haven't killed anyone. Yet."
"And that is the only reason we're not having a very different kind of conversation, missy."
"Max is the reason my father is dead." She tried for fierce but came off more little girl lost than anything else.
"I know," Xander said gently, cupping her cheek with his hand, "but we've talked about this. Vengeance isn't for Slayers. Max will be dealt with. You have my word."
She let out a sigh but nodded in agreement.
"Good. Katja and Naledi will take you back to the hotel while I deal with the Lost Boys here."
Aisha smirked at his description of the Losers then turned and walked away. The two women he'd indicated followed her. Xander crossed his arms over his chest turning his attention back to the five men who were watching him with varying degrees of suspicion, disbelief and, in Jensen's case, awe.
"You're totally Nick Fury, dude," Jake blurted out, drawing blank looks from his teammates and a chuckle of amusement from Xander.
"Alright, Losers, let's see just what information you have on Max, get you listed back among the living, and then you," Xander stabbed a finger at Jake who had the grace to look contrite, "and I are going to discuss why I should have been your first call when this whole mess started."
"Yes, Xander." Jake immediately launched into an explanation of everything that had been happening and what exactly it was he suspected they'd stolen from Max. The rest of the Losers just looked on in bewilderment feeling like they'd been run over by a steamroller. Or maybe fallen down the rabbit hole. Either way their lives were never going to be the same again.
Finis.