How Hogwarts Became a Nudist Colony - Harry Potter - 1/2
So, I have to start this with an explanation... When I opened this LJ pg, I told myself I'd archive all my old fanfiction here. I haven't had a chance to transfer most of it, but here we go back to 2004, when I was in high school. I started this story, How Hogwarts Became a Nudist Colony, just to get some laughs out of my best friend, PatriciaTepes.
Thus, this piece of crack was born into the world. It's crack on crack, having unprotected crack in order to make crack babies. It likely hasn't been properly edited. It follows "the rule of funny", which is to say, it defies all logic in order to amuse. I wrote it as a parody, and that's what it is, ladies and gents. And of course it became, at the time, my most popular fanfic. Still brings in the occasional reader and sits at over 300 reviews (not that impressive to some people, but that's a huge number for me). Kinda makes me sad *this* story is the one to receive so much love, but that's life, kids.
So, recently, I was trying to find out where I have it archived other than fanfiction.net (apparently over at fictionalley), and I stumbled across a quote from the story on tumbler as well as a page for it on TVtropes (check it out). I am seriously amazed that someone took the time to find all the tropes I used! It's really a hilarious list.
Now, before I decide that this is a very, very stupid idea, letting my new LJ friends see how my sense of humor compares to a twelve-year-old boy's (or Dean Winchester's), I suppose I should post the story...
Title: How Hogwarts Became a Nudist Colony
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: Teen (PG-13) but includes a few partial nudity NSFW doodles
Wordcount: ~15k
Warnings: Uh, nudity, duh. Also, underage students involved in nongraphic sexual situations. Teacher/Student.
Summary: Harry Potter arrives at school to find the students nude. Where are their clothes? Why are the Houses getting along better? What do Hermione and Snape have to do with the nudity?
Pairings: While none are centered upon, hints of Hermione/Severus, Ron/Pansy, Draco/Ginny
A/N: Half Blood Prince and onward didn't happen in this 'verse.
Disclaimer: As I told you nine times before, these are not my characters I explore. They are on loan from the authoress--whom I'm sure would not approve of such crude nakedness. Nevertheless, let it be known that nakedness so true and pure can lead to victory for those who secure their faith and hope in an Eden of education and dare not elope just because a Hufflepuff has a nice arse for the duration. So, as you surely recognize those who frolic about in naked bliss, I honestly swear that I don't own a bit of this.
Part 1: A Hero's Welcome
Sunlight filtered through the dark foliage and onto Harry's bare neck. He stumbled forward, tired and worn. The battle had lasted the entire night, but it seemed like only seconds ago that Harry was fighting off the Death Eaters alone, unaided by the Order or his friends. He was glad that none of his loved ones were lost to him, that they were all back at Hogwarts, safe from harm. After all, that was the reason why he'd ran away two weeks ago. However, all was not well. Voldemort still lived, though most of his followers were dead and he himself was injured.
Harry didn't know how to break it to those who'd believed in him. For all the dead Death Eaters, he felt as if he'd accomplished little.
He trudged forward, wand still in hand, until he reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Wincing at the bright morning light, he forced himself to look up at the welcoming castle. The castle itself was the same, but he noticed a small difference in the students outside.
At first he thought he was dreaming, or perhaps he was dead and this was some twisted form of the afterlife. Nevertheless, one thing was for sure. The students strolling in front of the castle were completely and totally naked. In the nude. In their birthday suits. Devoid of clothing.
" 'Arry, you're back! Where've you been, mate?"
Harry, finding it hard to turn from the group of students in front of the castle, issued only a questionable groan of awe. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned to see Ron standing beside him, also nude, and holding a broomstick in front of his 'member'. Harry's mouth dropped open, and he took a step back, avoiding a hug from his best friend.
"What the hell happened?" Harry gasped. "Why are you…naked?"
"Huh?" Ron looked down at himself. "Oh, yeah. You sort of forget about it after a while..."
Harry was about to interrupt when he saw another figure walking toward him. A very pale, and bare, Draco Malfoy approached with a smirk. Thankfully, he too was holding a broom in front of him.
"Ignore him, Ron," Draco sneered. (Since when does he call Ron by his first name! Harry thought.) "The perfect Harry Potter is too good to hug a naked male. Always have to be different, don't you? Well, guess what, Hogwarts does not accept clothing anymore, so strip down if you expect to stay, Potter."
"What?!" Harry's eyes widened. "I'm not taking off my clothes! What are you playing at Malfoy?"
"You know he's right, Harry. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone's doing it," Ron said, giving a reassuring smile.
"Doing what?" Harry shouted. Was the entire school under the influence of some terrible curse? "What sort of drugs are you on? Does Dumbledore know about this?"
At this the other boys turned toward one another and burst into laughter.
"What?" Harry flushed with anger.
"We'll take you to see Dumbledore soon enough, but I think you should see Hermione first," Ron laughed. "She's at Hagrid's. She wanted to help him with his garden while we were practicing a bit of quidditch."
Hopefully, she'll still be sane, Harry thought, following the two boys and desperately trying to make sure his eyes were up when they turned. Harry soon realized that he had the worst possible luck because, low and behold, Hermione was not the same. The three boys reached the back of Hagrid's hut and Hermione's face appeared from behind the garden fence. Harry was extremely glad that the new fence had been constructed over the summer because it was only too obvious that Hermione Granger was either topless or wearing a halter top--either way, she was not wearing her usual attire.
"Harry!" she shouted, leaning over the garden fence. The fence came to right below her pale, bare shoulders. "Where have you been!? We've been looking everywhere for you!"
Harry was more afraid than ever. Whatever had happened to Malfoy and Ron had obviously happened to Hermione too. If this curse or drug or new age movement could affect the most logical girl in Gryffindor, then surely all of Hogwarts was doomed!
"What's going on?" Harry snapped.
"Wait right there, Harry. I'll come around the fence and explain," Hermione answered.
"NO! Don't! It's so important to our friendship that you do not step out from behind that fence!"
Hermione looked confused. "Well, alright, Harry. You're not taking this very well. Maybe you should go straight to Dumbledore."
Harry nodded at such a speed that he almost toppled over from dizziness. "Yes, yes, good idea. Dumbledore. He'll set everything right."
Hermione shared a look with Ron then began to giggle. Draco was bent over laughing--not a pretty sight from where Harry was standing. "Take me to the Headmaster. Or the hospital wing, whichever you prefer. Maybe, I was poisoned..."
"Oh, you're not poisoned, mate," Ron laughed. "Come with us. Dumbledore will tell you the whole story."
Harry, still hoping to be experiencing an acid trip, shut his eyes and asked Ron to lead him by hand through the castle. Though Malfoy snorted at this, Ron agreed.
"Perhaps you should take this slowly. Plus, if we were to run into Madam Pomfrey, you would probably ask a bunch of embarrassing questions about that birth mark on her--"
"Getting to the point, Ron!" Harry shouted.
Ron shrugged, grabbed Harry's elbow, and led him up to Dumbledore's office. When Harry heard the door slide open, he opened his eyes and ran forward.
"Headmaster, something terrible has happened. I--"
Harry stopped, gasped, and stumbled back into a chair. "Oh, for Merlin's sake. Not you too..."
Dumbledore smiled, his eyes glistening through half-moon spectacles. He gestured, with bare arms covered in a layer of curly silver hair, for Ron and Draco to sit. From the chest up, Dumbledore was nude (not counting the new hat he was wearing), and Harry was quite glad the Headmaster had opted to stay seated behind his desk instead of standing to greet him.
"I'm happy to see you, Harry. We were worried something had happened to you," Dumbledore said in a cheerful voice.
"Something did happen, Professor. I fought Voldemort and...I lost the battle. I'm sorry," Harry said.
"You lost the battle but not the war," Dumbledore supplied.
Draco piped up. "Yes, we can tell because you're not dead, you see."
"Very funny, Malfoy," Harry growled. "Headmaster, why is Malfoy still here? I mean, isn't this information private."
"I think he's talking about that Order of the Bird thing," Draco sneered.
"It's the Order of the Phoenix, you idiot. Wait a second! How do you know about the Order?"
"Oh, of course, you couldn't know, Harry." Dumbledore's smiled widened. "You may have noticed a few changes around school?"
"A FEW!" Harry was fuming. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAY? WHERE'S EVERYONE'S BLOODY CLOTHING? ARE YOU ALL MAD!?"
" 'arry, that's just not polite," Ron whispered.
"It's not bloody polite to flash your parts to everyone in the vicinity either, but that seems to be a very popular trend!"
Draco gave a wolf's smile. "Oh, I think it's very polite. I truly feel I've gotten to know the Gryffindors better... Merlin, I've gotten to know so many--"
"I don't need to hear this!" Harry leaned forward. "Why. Is. Malfoy. Sharing. Experiences?"
Dumbledore, in turn, leaned back. "It is a very long story, Harry. If you want to know about our new nudist trends and why Mr. Malfoy, and many of his fellow Slytherins, are behaving civil, you will be sitting here for quite a while."
"Please, tell me what's going on," Harry pleaded.
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "It began on the second day of your absence. The seed was, strangely enough, planted in Professor Snape's dungeon room... "
Part 2: A Change of Tactics
Severus Snape was frustrated. In fact, he was downright steaming, writhing in anger, hoping to unleash a furious storm of insults and curses upon any who crossed his path, especially if it was a Hufflepuff. In other words, he was entirely pissed off at the world in general. It was a situation that even the muggle antidote of coffee and Valium could not cure.
Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger could not have chosen a worst day to give him lip. Severus had simply been grading Neville Longbottom's parchment (though aloud and with the added feature of cynical insults) when Granger finally snapped.
"Will you leave him the hell alone?"
Weasley, of course, being the twit that he is, backed her up. The fact that their stupid little friend Harry Potter was off in Merlin-knows-where, fighting the Dark Lord in some epic battle, did not give them an excuse to forget their place (in this case, at the bottom of the food chain). Fifty points and two detentions later, the duet of do-gooders had given up.
Had Severus Snape known what catastrophe the two's first detention would lead to, he would have most certainly sent them to Filch. However, he did not, and he was resolved to bathe in the pain of two over-worked Gryffindors. Sadly, it would be a very short bath.
Severus's head snapped up to watch the pair of students scrubbing cauldrons across the room. He dropped his quill and walked to them, peering over Granger's back. She abruptly stopped her cleaning and turned, both hands on her hips.
"Why?" she asked. Snape's brow raised quizzically. "Why are you such a slimy git?" With this, Ron quit working, eyes widening.
"Because I'm miserable and deranged," Snape answered without hesitation. "It's what I do, Ms. Granger." He glanced the pile of dirty cauldrons. "Weasley, you may leave. Ms. Granger, I'm sure you will be willing to play house elf for the rest of the evening."
With a worried glance in Hermione's direction, Ron collected his things and left. Hermione barely noticed. She was too busy fuming over a soon to arrive outburst. "Play house elf," Hermione said in a low, dangerous voice. Her face softened suddenly. "Professor, have I ever told you about S.P.E.W?"
Oh, bloody hell, look what I've done now, Severus thought, taking a step back. "I'm quite aware of your program. I completely disagree with your--" He stopped abruptly, a small lightbulb going off in his head. Why not play with Granger's mind? It would be worth a few laughs.
"Professor?"
"I completely disagree with your 'tactics'," Snape answered with a sly smile. This was going to be fun. "Quite frankly, your organization is a bore, and the badges are appalling." Hermione looked crestfallen. "Think of something more appealing, something that would leave an impact on those whom you wish to influence. You need something that will really...catch their eyes." Snape was finding it hard not to laugh at his little ploy.
Hermione's eyes glistened with curiosity. "What do you suggest?"
"When I was a young wizard, rallies and rebellions were quite popular. One form of protest was streaking." The bait was given.
"Streaking? Like in the nude? Are you sure that streaking is a form of protest?"
Now for the hook. "In your case, yes. To free house elves the owner must give them a piece of clothing. By streaking, you'd be setting an example."
Severus was expecting a scowl, a frown, a scream, but, alas, he received an unexpected response.
"That's brilliant, Professor!" Hermione squealed with a huge smile lighting her face.
Snape could not resist--he burst into laughter, putting one arm on a nearby table to support himself. He wiped his eyes and looked back up.
Hermione had a dreamy expression on her face. "Brilliant," she whispered.
Snape's humor slipped away. "I was teasing you, Ms. Granger," he snapped, but she only smiled wider. "NO. No, you stupid girl! It was a joke. I'm not serious!"
"May I leave, Professor," she said, obviously making plans.
"Yes. NO. No streaking! It's a foolish idea and against the school rules."
Snape was worried now. Surely one of the most intelligent students he knew would not be foolish enough to run about in the nude. Of course, it was not often that Granger stood down when she believed strongly in something, be that friends, school, books, or house elf rights.
"Against the rules," he repeated in a last minute effort to erase the idea from her mind. If Albus got wind of this, he would be the one to blame.
"Thank you, Professor," Hermione said with a pensive face. She gathered her bag and walked off with a polite "good evening."
"Merlin, what have I done," Snape whispered.
The Morning After
Snape kept quite. He avoided the other professors in an attempt to divert attention from himself. All was going well until the next morning. Severus did not normally eat breakfast, but acid reflex, do to induced stress throughout the last twenty years, forced him to surface for a few quick bites of toast. However, as he was about to leave the dining hall, he noticed something particularly strange; Hermione Granger had entered the room wearing what appeared to be a piece of muggle clothing called a trench coat.
"Oh, no…"
Ron Weasley was worried. Hermione had refused to speak to him when she'd came back from her detention the night before, and she hadn't even left her room this morning. He'd checked the library, but she wasn't there. Perhaps Snape had done something to her. Ron's face flushed red as he daydreamed of pounding in the greasy-haired Professor's long nose.
"Ron."
Ron turned around to see Hermione standing behind him. She was wearing a long coat but her legs and feet were bare. In her hand was a lumpy looking bag. She gave him a nervous smile.
"Ron. Would you please stand up for a moment?"
"Hermione, where have you been? I thought something was wrong," Ron hissed. He noticed that the entire hall had become very quiet upon Hermione's arrival.
"I was making plans," Hermione answered, reaching a hand into the bag. She pulled out what seemed to be a muggle t-shirt. "Ron, I want you to listen to me, alright? This won't take very long."
"Why do you have clothes in your bag?"
Hermione's nostrils flared, and she wore a determined face. "Because I won't have enough time to strip if the professors come to their senses."
Ron gasped but had no time to reply.
Hermione stepped onto the Gryffindor table and took a deep breath. She held up a shirt and a pair of jeans, throwing down the bag. Every eye was now on her. Dumbledore was looking amused, McGonagall was looking aghast, and Snape was beginning to panic.
"Ms. Granger!" Snape shouted, hurrying toward the table.
Hermione ignored him. She pulled a wand from her coat and put it to her throat so that her voice now echoed throughout the school.
"Here me, students of Hogwarts!"
A few coughs issued from the group.
"For too long, the house elves have been ignored! We must aid our small, working-class brothers and sisters!"
Silence.
Hermione looked like a statue of a goddess as she spoke next in a war cry very much like one would hear on the movie Braveheart. "FREE THE HOUSE ELVES! GIVE THEM YOUR CLOTHES!"
The t-shirt and jeans were thrown toward the other houses and Hermione's hand tugged the trench coat's belt. The coat flew open and a unified gasp was heard throughout the school. Everywhere there was chaos.
McGonagall fainted on the spot.
Flitwick choked on a prune.
Snape covered his ears, closed his eyes, and began humming very loudly.
Dumbledore continued to shove eggs into his mouth.
Then from the mist of horror came an applause...
"Bloody hell, Granger! Bravo!" came Draco Malfoy's voice. "This is better than those parties my dad used to hold in the basement."
Several students, mostly male, began to stand and chant, "STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!"
Now most of the students were laughing or chanting or beginning to pull off their robes.
Snape looked up and cried desperately. "Ms. Granger, you don't have to give the house elves all of your clothes!"
Hermione laughed. "BUT WE MUST MAKE A STATEMENT, PROFESSOR SNAPE--CATCH THEIR EYES! I SEEM TO HAVE CAUGHT YOURS!"
Snape's jaw dropped open, and he forced his eyes to close. His pale face was becoming very red. The man seemed be having a nervous breakdown.
Ginny Weasley, along with several other Gryffindor girls (oh, and Neville) stood up and began to take off their clothing. Hermione looked truly inspired. She threw her coat over Snape's head and waved toward the Slytherin table, exposing herself quite well.
"ALL WHO WISH TO JOIN OUR CAUSE, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHING AND FOLLOW ME! COME AND FOLLOW THE WAYS OF S.P.E.W. WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"
She sprinted down the table, knocking off bowls of food and laughing in merriment at the freedom only a nudist knows. Stampedes of teenagers were following her outside the castle. Clothing was left on the floor.
Socks, shirts, robes, slacks, knickers, and various other items of clothing buried Professor Snape. He dug is way out, gasping for air. He looked up to see the entire faculty still in their seats.
"Oh, there you are, Severus. I thought you had went off to join the young ones," Dumbledore said.
Snape crawled to the table, past an unconscious McGonagall. "I didn't have a part in this! I didn't do it! It was a joke, I swear! I'm not to blame!"
"Of course not, Severus. Children are prone to rebellions," Dumbledore answered. "However, we have a very strange riot on our hands. I suggest all faculty members remain in their quarters until this is resolved. I will try talking to Ms. Granger. In the meantime, all classes are cancelled."
"That's it? We're going to hide in our rooms?" Snape spouted.
Dumbledore smiled. "For the moment, yes. Severus, if you have anymore ideas on the subject, you're welcome to voice them...to the faculty, of course."
"Oh, for Merlin's sake!"
Part 3: The Flashing Brigade
Harry collected his jaw from the ground and blinked several times.
"Are you telling me that Hermione Granger, our Hermione Granger, began this campaign for nudity?"
"Well, if you'd let the headmaster finish the story, Potter," Draco hissed. "Of course, you'll never truly 'get it' because you weren't there. It was quite a spectacle, one of the most beautiful days of my life." He wore a dreamy expression. "I knew from that moment on that I was quite straight..."
"Quite liberating," Ron added, stuffing his face with lemon drops from the Headmaster's desk.
"Yes, you've said that before," Harry snapped. "But this makes no sense! No bloody sense at all! Hermione knows better than to devise such a plan; there are so many flaws! Why? Why? Why!?"
Dumbledore grinned. "Not so very flawed actually. In fact, it was one of the best plans of the century."
"For House Elf Rights?" Harry frowned.
"Oh, no, my boy," Dumbledore chucked. "That part was a bit strange; however, Ms. Granger could never have guessed how important her actions were that day."
"Stripping?"
"Shut up, mate," Ron scowled.
"Yeah," Draco pitched in, "Dumbledore's about to tell you about The Flashing Brigade, right?"
"That I am, Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore answered.
"Bloody Flashing Brigade?" Harry asked.
"Yes, The Flashing Brigade, Harry," Dumbledore answered. "After Hermione Granger led the students to nudity, she realized that the group needed to organize its attacks."
Harry's brow furrowed. "Attacks?"
Exactly 23 seconds after Hermione's rally...
Shouts issued through the air. Flags made of underwear were raised from every tower. Quidditch players rode their brooms high above the castle, unaffected by the morning chill (not). All of them were shouting toward Dumbledore's office. All stood for one cause: Nudity.
"STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!"
"WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"
"TAKE YOUR BLOODY CLOTHES OFF!"
"HELLO?"
This last cry came from Hagrid. The poor chap had been out drinking the night before and had been running late for breakfast. To say the least, he missed a lot.
Hermione hitched a ride on Ginny's broom, and they landed before the half-giant. Hermione approached the Professor/grounds-keeper with a smile, her cheeks rosy with exhilaration. The large man was rubbing his eyes furiously.
"Hagrid, you're not dreaming," Hermione said, in a kind voice. "We're streaking for House Elf's Rights. I finally got S.P.E.W off the ground." Hagrid looked down at her and the hundred plus students behind her. "You have but one choice, Professor. Surrender your clothing for the benefit off all and become one of us."
"Don't look like I have much of a choice, do it?" Hagrid grunted.
Hermione turned to her followers. "HEAR ME! THE FIRST PROFESSOR HAS JOINED OUR LEGION OF NUDISTS! HAGRID IS ONE OF OURS. NOW WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES TO THE REST OF THE FACULTY WHO HIDE AWAY IN THEIR ROOMS. I NEED A GROUP WHO IS WILLING TO GO WITH ME TO CONVERT THE OTHERS! THOSE WHO WILL UNDERTAKE SUCH DANGERS, FOLLOW ME!"
Twenty students made their way out of the group of protesters and stood around Hermione. Amongst them were familiar faces including Ginny, Luna, Neville, Ron, Lavender, Cho, Draco, Pansy, and Goyle. (Draco excused Crabbe, saying that he was enjoying himself by sewing underwear into banners.) Hermione glowed with pride as she surveyed them.
"You will be perfect," she said. "Everyone huddle up."
Ron looked a bit worried. "This is fun and all, but how on earth are we going to get the Professors to join us. Do we actually want them to join us?"
"Good point," Draco nodded.
"Thanks, Malfoy."
"You're welcome, Weasley."
"We want everyone to join us," Hermione said firmly. "Legally, Dumbledore is in charge of this castle. He and the Professors own shares of Hogwarts and Wal-Mart (no, I don't know why), therefore, if they give up clothing, the House Elves will be set free."
"Oh, yeah, the House Elves," Ron said. "I'd forgotten about them."
"Why else would we be stripping, Ron?" Hermione snapped.
"Because it's fun?" Ron asked.
"You're right, Weasley," Draco agreed.
"Thanks, Malfoy."
"Oh, get a room!" Ginny snapped at the two boys.
"Oh, I'm quite straight now," Draco smiled, giving her a wink.
"Now?" Pansy asked, aghast.
"I'm quite sure I am, too," Ron smiled, giving Pansy a wink of her own.
"This is odd," Hermione stated. "Back to business. I have a plan for winning over the faculty. We have Hagrid, but, let's face it, the other Professors already know that he's outlandish."
"What's the plan?" Neville asked, looking very confused.
"Well, I was going to go into detail, but Ron and Malfoy have the attention spans of goldfish, so I'll give you the basic outline." Hermione took a deep breath. "We're going to put together a Flashing Brigade."
"Flashing Brigade?" Neville asked.
"Oh, that sounds lovely," Luna laughed.
"Neat," Goyle stated. "What's that?"
Hermione pulled the group in closer and began the first secret meeting of The Flashing Brigade. A good two and a half minutes later, they stood back up, smiling and nodding. All in all, they seemed very proud of themselves.
"So, my brigade, are you ready to face unparalleled dangers and take on the faculty?" Hermione asked.
Ron frowned. "You're being a bit melodramatic, Hermione."
Lunchtime: Still day one of the new nudist trend...
Minerva McGonagall was grading the third years' essays on mug transfigurations when she heard a knock at the door. She stopped, sat down her quill, and stood slowly, listening. The knock came again. She swallowed. At the moment, she was feeling very paranoid. After all, her favorite student had just performed at quick version of strip-tease in front of the entire school only a few hours ago.
She approached the door as if she were an actress in a cheap muggle horror film. Her fingers were mere inches from the knob when she pulled back.
"Who is it?" she asked, cautiously.
There was a moment of silence before she heard Hermione Granger's voice issue from outside the door.
"Professor McGonagall? May I have a word?"
"No. You may not have a word, Ms. Granger!" McGonagall snapped.
"I'm so sorry, Professor. I realize what a fool I was this morning. Don't you forgive me?"
McGonagall softened. "Of course, I forgive you."
"Perhaps, we should discuss my punishment," Hermione said, her voice seeming strained. "I feel sort of awkward speaking to you through the door. Mind if I come in?"
"I'm expecting a good explanation for your actions, Ms. Granger," McGonagall replied. She turned the knob, and the door burst open. Seven nude students ran inside, howling and chanting like buffoons. McGonagall did the only rational thing she could do and screamed.
"Join us!" the nude students shouted, running around her like a group of natives. They howled and made strange animal noises before exiting out the door. Hermione was the only student left in the room.
"Sorry for lying to you, Professor, but I do believe we've made our point," she said with a gentle smile. "House Elf rights are very important. I expect the faculty should come to terms with our new beliefs and surrender over all articles of clothing."
"You're all mad!" McGonagall shouted, shooing Hermione out of the room. "Put your clothes back on!" She slammed the door shut, and immediately pulled out a bottle of fire whiskey.
Hermione smiled outside the door. "She'll join us soon enough," she stated confidently. "How are the other groups doing?"
Like clockwork, Ginny reported back, carrying news from the other members of The Flashing Brigade. "Six faculty members have opened their doors to us. Two passed out and the rest are scared out of their minds. One has joined us: Trelawney. She claims to foresee our victory."
"Only decent prediction the woman's made all year," Ron piped up.
Draco appeared from around the corner. "I have news everyone. Pomfrey and Sprout are ours--though they now refuse to leave their rooms."
"But their clothes are gone?" Hermione asked. Draco nodded. "Fabulous!" she screeched.
Draco looked very proud of himself indeed. "Who's next?"
"Well, we have but one professor to speak to before we take our case to Dumbledore," Hermione said. "We should go speak to Professor Snape. After all, this was all his idea."
Hermione cleared her throat. "Come on Flashing Brigade! To the Dungeons!"
Part 4: Snake Out of the Bag
Dumbledore paused. "Well?"
Harry raised a brow yet again. "Well, what?"
"Well aren't you enraged, I think he means," Ron explained.
"Yeah, aren't you amazed that Granger lied to a teacher? Hell, I was." Draco smiled wickedly. "Not that I had anything against it, of course."
Harry did indeed look amazed. "I'm at a bloody school filled with bloody nudists, and my friend telling a lie-the same friend who started this bloody nudist rally for house elf rights-is suppose to shock and amaze me?! I'm way past SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT right now, thank you very much, straight-Malfoy!"
"I was just asking," Draco sneered.
"Yeah, Harry," Ron put in, "that's no reason to yell at Draco."
"I don't need an excuse to yell at a Slytherin!" Harry erupted.
"Slytherin?" Ron asked. "Oh, the Headmaster hasn't gotten to the part where--"
"On with the tale," Dumbledore interrupted. "Where was I? Oh, yes, back to the dungeon..."
"Scene of the bloody crime," Harry muttered.
The Dungeons. Exactly six hours, thirty-seven minutes, and fifty-four seconds after initiation of project Birthday Suit
Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, and Ginny Weasley stood before the door to Professor Snape's office. The rest of the Flashing Brigade had decided not to try their hands (and other various body parts) at converting the potion's master. Hermione was ashamed to say that Ron would not be joining them in the dungeons. He had backed out of the latest mission after Pansy Parkinson had decided to make protest signs for their final stand. ("I got to work out some ahem house relations," Ron had gushed.)
"I can't believe that git dropped us!" Ginny shouted, crossing her arms.
Draco put a hand on her shoulder. "You shouldn't talk about your brother that way. He's serving the cause, just not in the dungeons."
"Wimps," Ginny hissed. "You know, he's snogging Parkinson somewhere."
"I don't have a problem with that," Draco replied. "I think I got the better deal."
Hermione turned to the two with a raised brow. "What? Is seeing Snape the better deal, Draco?"
Draco grinned wickedly. "Not how I see it."
Ginny squealed and jumped, putting a hand on her backside. "DRACO!"
"We have a job to do!" Hermione yelled. "Quit fooling around. Professor Snape must fall to us, or else our mission is over. Do you understand?"
"Sir, yes, sir," Draco saluted. "Sorry, Hermione." The Slytherin had loosened up considerably after sharing a flask of fire whiskey with a Hufflepuff, their own form of breaking bread.
"We'll be good," Ginny said.
Hermione nodded. "Let's get to it then, shall we?"
She knocked on the door. They immediately hear footsteps approaching from inside.
"Who dares disturb me!" shouted a voice. The three students jumped backward.
"This is Hermione Granger, Professor. We are here for your clothing. Surrender. Or face the consequences."
"Oh, in that case..." The students heard an unlocking spell being muttered within. Hermione gave Ginny a questionable stare. Was the professor going to attack them? Or had he literally lost his mind?
There was silence.
"Where is he?" Ginny asked.
The door flung open, half lifted off its hinges.
"Hello, my pupils..."
Draco Malfoy fell to the floor, Ginny Weasley burst into girlish giggles, and Hermione stood with mouth dropped open. Behold! Severus Snape stood before them, braced against the doorway, a cool, calculated expression on his face. Oh, and he was nude. Yes. The great, evil, slimy git, Professor Snape was without clothing.
Hermione recovered, taking a deep breath. "Professor? It seems you've, umm. Well..."
Hermione surveyed the man before her in disbelief. He was as pale as marble, wearing only a black band tied onto his lower arm. He was nude. An older man nude. And she liked it. She felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment.
Draco stood back up, a bit tipsy from the turn of events (and the fire whiskey). "Well… Umm, Ginny and I will be going somewhere because there has to be something to do or something."
Ginny shook her head quickly. "Yes, that thing we were going to do. We'll see you later. Congratulations on joining the winners, Professor Snape."
The two students ran away, leaving Hermione with Snape.
"Professor, you changed your mind about joining?"
Snape frowned, as if bored. "It was my idea, you know."
"Of-of course," Hermione stuttered. "What's with the black band?"
Snape seemed to be losing control of the situation. "It's for mourning. I'm mourning that stupid mutt, Black."
Hermione raised brow.
"Fine! I couldn't find a proper glamour to hide the Dark Mark. I couldn't just go prancing around with it showing!" Snape glared.
"I understand." Hermione smiled. "So glamours don't work?" Snape glared. "Have you tried makeup?"
"You stupid girl, of course I've tried... Makeup? Makeup. That could work." Snape frowned. "But where would I find makeup?"
Hermione's cheeks turned redder, if that was possible. "Well, up in my room, I have a great supply of makeup. I even have some that magically blends in with your skin color. It's by Maybelline."
"Ingenious. To your room then, Ms. Granger?"
Hermione showed Snape to her room. As Head Girl, she had quarters all to her own, which at this moment she found overly convenient. Snape sat on the edge of her bed as she dug through a box of lipstick and foundation.
"Professor, why exactly did you join us?"
Snape smiled, but Hermione didn't see that since her back was to him. "I always join the winning side. It's a problem that's gotten me into trouble in the past. Plus, since I am to blame for this catastrophe..."
"It's no catastrophe, Professor," Hermione muttered, still searching for the right bottle.
Snape, however, was enjoying the view. In fact, some might say that he was enjoying it a bit too much. Snape noticed what was happening at once and grabbed a pillow to cover 'himself' with.
"Aha!" Hermione turned around, holding up a small vial. She sat on the bed beside her professor and took off his arm band. She stopped, thinking.
"Perhaps you should take a shower first, Professor," she suggested.
Snape held the pillow tightly. "Excuse me! Ms. Granger! Why would you suggest such a thing?"
She looked confused. "Because I'll have to redo your makeup before tomorrow if you don't take your shower first," she explained.
Snape calmed down, somewhat. "Oh. Well, I assure you that I'm perfectly clean."
Hermione laughed at his expression and stood up to get a makeup sponge. She turned suddenly and looked down at the pillow Snape was holding in his lap. A wicked, knowing smile crept onto her face.
"Why, Professor!"
Dumbledore's office. The present.
"STOP! Stop the story!" Harry shouted. "Why is this information important?!"
"You asked," Dumbledore explain. "Plus, it adds to the plot."
"How in Merlin's name does this add to the plot!" Harry choked.
"Potter, I do wish you'd quit interrupting the tale," Draco whined. He had magicked up a bowl of popcorn for him and Ron to share.
"Yeah! We were getting to the good part!" Ron said.
"I'm going to vomit," Harry stated, his voice monotone.
"Do step outside the room." Draco shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
Dumbledore frowned. "It seems I will not be allowed to tell that part of the story. Perhaps I should transfer the setting to that of the broom closet."
"NO!" Ron and Draco shouted.
"Which…ahem…one?" Ron asked.
"Third floor," Dumbledore answered.
"NO!" Draco shouted, choking on a kernel. "Let's not. Perhaps we should fast forward to the important part."
"Hey, where were you at this time?" Ron asked Draco.
Draco turned pale. "Not with your sister in the broom closet, that's for sure."
Ron smiled and nodded dully. "And I was not in the broom closet on the sixth floor with your ex, either, mate."
"I can't believe you've lost your brains with your boxers!" Harry shouted.
"Boys, we can discuss this later. Time is drawing near. Our tale must be hurried somewhat." Dumbledore announced.
Draco and Ron looked downtrodden but nodded. Harry covered his face with his hands. This was going to be a long story.
Dumbledore began. "As you know, the students were now aiming to bring their terms to me. The protest gained fury and the students were. . . ."
Link to the second half and more nekkidness...
Thus, this piece of crack was born into the world. It's crack on crack, having unprotected crack in order to make crack babies. It likely hasn't been properly edited. It follows "the rule of funny", which is to say, it defies all logic in order to amuse. I wrote it as a parody, and that's what it is, ladies and gents. And of course it became, at the time, my most popular fanfic. Still brings in the occasional reader and sits at over 300 reviews (not that impressive to some people, but that's a huge number for me). Kinda makes me sad *this* story is the one to receive so much love, but that's life, kids.
So, recently, I was trying to find out where I have it archived other than fanfiction.net (apparently over at fictionalley), and I stumbled across a quote from the story on tumbler as well as a page for it on TVtropes (check it out). I am seriously amazed that someone took the time to find all the tropes I used! It's really a hilarious list.
Now, before I decide that this is a very, very stupid idea, letting my new LJ friends see how my sense of humor compares to a twelve-year-old boy's (or Dean Winchester's), I suppose I should post the story...
Title: How Hogwarts Became a Nudist Colony
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: Teen (PG-13) but includes a few partial nudity NSFW doodles
Wordcount: ~15k
Warnings: Uh, nudity, duh. Also, underage students involved in nongraphic sexual situations. Teacher/Student.
Summary: Harry Potter arrives at school to find the students nude. Where are their clothes? Why are the Houses getting along better? What do Hermione and Snape have to do with the nudity?
Pairings: While none are centered upon, hints of Hermione/Severus, Ron/Pansy, Draco/Ginny
A/N: Half Blood Prince and onward didn't happen in this 'verse.
Disclaimer: As I told you nine times before, these are not my characters I explore. They are on loan from the authoress--whom I'm sure would not approve of such crude nakedness. Nevertheless, let it be known that nakedness so true and pure can lead to victory for those who secure their faith and hope in an Eden of education and dare not elope just because a Hufflepuff has a nice arse for the duration. So, as you surely recognize those who frolic about in naked bliss, I honestly swear that I don't own a bit of this.
Part 1: A Hero's Welcome
Sunlight filtered through the dark foliage and onto Harry's bare neck. He stumbled forward, tired and worn. The battle had lasted the entire night, but it seemed like only seconds ago that Harry was fighting off the Death Eaters alone, unaided by the Order or his friends. He was glad that none of his loved ones were lost to him, that they were all back at Hogwarts, safe from harm. After all, that was the reason why he'd ran away two weeks ago. However, all was not well. Voldemort still lived, though most of his followers were dead and he himself was injured.
Harry didn't know how to break it to those who'd believed in him. For all the dead Death Eaters, he felt as if he'd accomplished little.
He trudged forward, wand still in hand, until he reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Wincing at the bright morning light, he forced himself to look up at the welcoming castle. The castle itself was the same, but he noticed a small difference in the students outside.
At first he thought he was dreaming, or perhaps he was dead and this was some twisted form of the afterlife. Nevertheless, one thing was for sure. The students strolling in front of the castle were completely and totally naked. In the nude. In their birthday suits. Devoid of clothing.
" 'Arry, you're back! Where've you been, mate?"
Harry, finding it hard to turn from the group of students in front of the castle, issued only a questionable groan of awe. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned to see Ron standing beside him, also nude, and holding a broomstick in front of his 'member'. Harry's mouth dropped open, and he took a step back, avoiding a hug from his best friend.
"What the hell happened?" Harry gasped. "Why are you…naked?"
"Huh?" Ron looked down at himself. "Oh, yeah. You sort of forget about it after a while..."
Harry was about to interrupt when he saw another figure walking toward him. A very pale, and bare, Draco Malfoy approached with a smirk. Thankfully, he too was holding a broom in front of him.
"Ignore him, Ron," Draco sneered. (Since when does he call Ron by his first name! Harry thought.) "The perfect Harry Potter is too good to hug a naked male. Always have to be different, don't you? Well, guess what, Hogwarts does not accept clothing anymore, so strip down if you expect to stay, Potter."
"What?!" Harry's eyes widened. "I'm not taking off my clothes! What are you playing at Malfoy?"
"You know he's right, Harry. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone's doing it," Ron said, giving a reassuring smile.
"Doing what?" Harry shouted. Was the entire school under the influence of some terrible curse? "What sort of drugs are you on? Does Dumbledore know about this?"
At this the other boys turned toward one another and burst into laughter.
"What?" Harry flushed with anger.
"We'll take you to see Dumbledore soon enough, but I think you should see Hermione first," Ron laughed. "She's at Hagrid's. She wanted to help him with his garden while we were practicing a bit of quidditch."
Hopefully, she'll still be sane, Harry thought, following the two boys and desperately trying to make sure his eyes were up when they turned. Harry soon realized that he had the worst possible luck because, low and behold, Hermione was not the same. The three boys reached the back of Hagrid's hut and Hermione's face appeared from behind the garden fence. Harry was extremely glad that the new fence had been constructed over the summer because it was only too obvious that Hermione Granger was either topless or wearing a halter top--either way, she was not wearing her usual attire.
"Harry!" she shouted, leaning over the garden fence. The fence came to right below her pale, bare shoulders. "Where have you been!? We've been looking everywhere for you!"
Harry was more afraid than ever. Whatever had happened to Malfoy and Ron had obviously happened to Hermione too. If this curse or drug or new age movement could affect the most logical girl in Gryffindor, then surely all of Hogwarts was doomed!
"What's going on?" Harry snapped.
"Wait right there, Harry. I'll come around the fence and explain," Hermione answered.
"NO! Don't! It's so important to our friendship that you do not step out from behind that fence!"
Hermione looked confused. "Well, alright, Harry. You're not taking this very well. Maybe you should go straight to Dumbledore."
Harry nodded at such a speed that he almost toppled over from dizziness. "Yes, yes, good idea. Dumbledore. He'll set everything right."
Hermione shared a look with Ron then began to giggle. Draco was bent over laughing--not a pretty sight from where Harry was standing. "Take me to the Headmaster. Or the hospital wing, whichever you prefer. Maybe, I was poisoned..."
"Oh, you're not poisoned, mate," Ron laughed. "Come with us. Dumbledore will tell you the whole story."
Harry, still hoping to be experiencing an acid trip, shut his eyes and asked Ron to lead him by hand through the castle. Though Malfoy snorted at this, Ron agreed.
"Perhaps you should take this slowly. Plus, if we were to run into Madam Pomfrey, you would probably ask a bunch of embarrassing questions about that birth mark on her--"
"Getting to the point, Ron!" Harry shouted.
Ron shrugged, grabbed Harry's elbow, and led him up to Dumbledore's office. When Harry heard the door slide open, he opened his eyes and ran forward.
"Headmaster, something terrible has happened. I--"
Harry stopped, gasped, and stumbled back into a chair. "Oh, for Merlin's sake. Not you too..."
Dumbledore smiled, his eyes glistening through half-moon spectacles. He gestured, with bare arms covered in a layer of curly silver hair, for Ron and Draco to sit. From the chest up, Dumbledore was nude (not counting the new hat he was wearing), and Harry was quite glad the Headmaster had opted to stay seated behind his desk instead of standing to greet him.
"I'm happy to see you, Harry. We were worried something had happened to you," Dumbledore said in a cheerful voice.
"Something did happen, Professor. I fought Voldemort and...I lost the battle. I'm sorry," Harry said.
"You lost the battle but not the war," Dumbledore supplied.
Draco piped up. "Yes, we can tell because you're not dead, you see."
"Very funny, Malfoy," Harry growled. "Headmaster, why is Malfoy still here? I mean, isn't this information private."
"I think he's talking about that Order of the Bird thing," Draco sneered.
"It's the Order of the Phoenix, you idiot. Wait a second! How do you know about the Order?"
"Oh, of course, you couldn't know, Harry." Dumbledore's smiled widened. "You may have noticed a few changes around school?"
"A FEW!" Harry was fuming. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS AWAY? WHERE'S EVERYONE'S BLOODY CLOTHING? ARE YOU ALL MAD!?"
" 'arry, that's just not polite," Ron whispered.
"It's not bloody polite to flash your parts to everyone in the vicinity either, but that seems to be a very popular trend!"
Draco gave a wolf's smile. "Oh, I think it's very polite. I truly feel I've gotten to know the Gryffindors better... Merlin, I've gotten to know so many--"
"I don't need to hear this!" Harry leaned forward. "Why. Is. Malfoy. Sharing. Experiences?"
Dumbledore, in turn, leaned back. "It is a very long story, Harry. If you want to know about our new nudist trends and why Mr. Malfoy, and many of his fellow Slytherins, are behaving civil, you will be sitting here for quite a while."
"Please, tell me what's going on," Harry pleaded.
Dumbledore took a deep breath. "It began on the second day of your absence. The seed was, strangely enough, planted in Professor Snape's dungeon room... "
Part 2: A Change of Tactics
Severus Snape was frustrated. In fact, he was downright steaming, writhing in anger, hoping to unleash a furious storm of insults and curses upon any who crossed his path, especially if it was a Hufflepuff. In other words, he was entirely pissed off at the world in general. It was a situation that even the muggle antidote of coffee and Valium could not cure.
Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger could not have chosen a worst day to give him lip. Severus had simply been grading Neville Longbottom's parchment (though aloud and with the added feature of cynical insults) when Granger finally snapped.
"Will you leave him the hell alone?"
Weasley, of course, being the twit that he is, backed her up. The fact that their stupid little friend Harry Potter was off in Merlin-knows-where, fighting the Dark Lord in some epic battle, did not give them an excuse to forget their place (in this case, at the bottom of the food chain). Fifty points and two detentions later, the duet of do-gooders had given up.
Had Severus Snape known what catastrophe the two's first detention would lead to, he would have most certainly sent them to Filch. However, he did not, and he was resolved to bathe in the pain of two over-worked Gryffindors. Sadly, it would be a very short bath.
Severus's head snapped up to watch the pair of students scrubbing cauldrons across the room. He dropped his quill and walked to them, peering over Granger's back. She abruptly stopped her cleaning and turned, both hands on her hips.
"Why?" she asked. Snape's brow raised quizzically. "Why are you such a slimy git?" With this, Ron quit working, eyes widening.
"Because I'm miserable and deranged," Snape answered without hesitation. "It's what I do, Ms. Granger." He glanced the pile of dirty cauldrons. "Weasley, you may leave. Ms. Granger, I'm sure you will be willing to play house elf for the rest of the evening."
With a worried glance in Hermione's direction, Ron collected his things and left. Hermione barely noticed. She was too busy fuming over a soon to arrive outburst. "Play house elf," Hermione said in a low, dangerous voice. Her face softened suddenly. "Professor, have I ever told you about S.P.E.W?"
Oh, bloody hell, look what I've done now, Severus thought, taking a step back. "I'm quite aware of your program. I completely disagree with your--" He stopped abruptly, a small lightbulb going off in his head. Why not play with Granger's mind? It would be worth a few laughs.
"Professor?"
"I completely disagree with your 'tactics'," Snape answered with a sly smile. This was going to be fun. "Quite frankly, your organization is a bore, and the badges are appalling." Hermione looked crestfallen. "Think of something more appealing, something that would leave an impact on those whom you wish to influence. You need something that will really...catch their eyes." Snape was finding it hard not to laugh at his little ploy.
Hermione's eyes glistened with curiosity. "What do you suggest?"
"When I was a young wizard, rallies and rebellions were quite popular. One form of protest was streaking." The bait was given.
"Streaking? Like in the nude? Are you sure that streaking is a form of protest?"
Now for the hook. "In your case, yes. To free house elves the owner must give them a piece of clothing. By streaking, you'd be setting an example."
Severus was expecting a scowl, a frown, a scream, but, alas, he received an unexpected response.
"That's brilliant, Professor!" Hermione squealed with a huge smile lighting her face.
Snape could not resist--he burst into laughter, putting one arm on a nearby table to support himself. He wiped his eyes and looked back up.
Hermione had a dreamy expression on her face. "Brilliant," she whispered.
Snape's humor slipped away. "I was teasing you, Ms. Granger," he snapped, but she only smiled wider. "NO. No, you stupid girl! It was a joke. I'm not serious!"
"May I leave, Professor," she said, obviously making plans.
"Yes. NO. No streaking! It's a foolish idea and against the school rules."
Snape was worried now. Surely one of the most intelligent students he knew would not be foolish enough to run about in the nude. Of course, it was not often that Granger stood down when she believed strongly in something, be that friends, school, books, or house elf rights.
"Against the rules," he repeated in a last minute effort to erase the idea from her mind. If Albus got wind of this, he would be the one to blame.
"Thank you, Professor," Hermione said with a pensive face. She gathered her bag and walked off with a polite "good evening."
"Merlin, what have I done," Snape whispered.
The Morning After
Snape kept quite. He avoided the other professors in an attempt to divert attention from himself. All was going well until the next morning. Severus did not normally eat breakfast, but acid reflex, do to induced stress throughout the last twenty years, forced him to surface for a few quick bites of toast. However, as he was about to leave the dining hall, he noticed something particularly strange; Hermione Granger had entered the room wearing what appeared to be a piece of muggle clothing called a trench coat.
"Oh, no…"
Ron Weasley was worried. Hermione had refused to speak to him when she'd came back from her detention the night before, and she hadn't even left her room this morning. He'd checked the library, but she wasn't there. Perhaps Snape had done something to her. Ron's face flushed red as he daydreamed of pounding in the greasy-haired Professor's long nose.
"Ron."
Ron turned around to see Hermione standing behind him. She was wearing a long coat but her legs and feet were bare. In her hand was a lumpy looking bag. She gave him a nervous smile.
"Ron. Would you please stand up for a moment?"
"Hermione, where have you been? I thought something was wrong," Ron hissed. He noticed that the entire hall had become very quiet upon Hermione's arrival.
"I was making plans," Hermione answered, reaching a hand into the bag. She pulled out what seemed to be a muggle t-shirt. "Ron, I want you to listen to me, alright? This won't take very long."
"Why do you have clothes in your bag?"
Hermione's nostrils flared, and she wore a determined face. "Because I won't have enough time to strip if the professors come to their senses."
Ron gasped but had no time to reply.
Hermione stepped onto the Gryffindor table and took a deep breath. She held up a shirt and a pair of jeans, throwing down the bag. Every eye was now on her. Dumbledore was looking amused, McGonagall was looking aghast, and Snape was beginning to panic.
"Ms. Granger!" Snape shouted, hurrying toward the table.
Hermione ignored him. She pulled a wand from her coat and put it to her throat so that her voice now echoed throughout the school.
"Here me, students of Hogwarts!"
A few coughs issued from the group.
"For too long, the house elves have been ignored! We must aid our small, working-class brothers and sisters!"
Silence.
Hermione looked like a statue of a goddess as she spoke next in a war cry very much like one would hear on the movie Braveheart. "FREE THE HOUSE ELVES! GIVE THEM YOUR CLOTHES!"
The t-shirt and jeans were thrown toward the other houses and Hermione's hand tugged the trench coat's belt. The coat flew open and a unified gasp was heard throughout the school. Everywhere there was chaos.
McGonagall fainted on the spot.
Flitwick choked on a prune.
Snape covered his ears, closed his eyes, and began humming very loudly.
Dumbledore continued to shove eggs into his mouth.
Then from the mist of horror came an applause...
"Bloody hell, Granger! Bravo!" came Draco Malfoy's voice. "This is better than those parties my dad used to hold in the basement."
Several students, mostly male, began to stand and chant, "STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!"
Now most of the students were laughing or chanting or beginning to pull off their robes.
Snape looked up and cried desperately. "Ms. Granger, you don't have to give the house elves all of your clothes!"
Hermione laughed. "BUT WE MUST MAKE A STATEMENT, PROFESSOR SNAPE--CATCH THEIR EYES! I SEEM TO HAVE CAUGHT YOURS!"
Snape's jaw dropped open, and he forced his eyes to close. His pale face was becoming very red. The man seemed be having a nervous breakdown.
Ginny Weasley, along with several other Gryffindor girls (oh, and Neville) stood up and began to take off their clothing. Hermione looked truly inspired. She threw her coat over Snape's head and waved toward the Slytherin table, exposing herself quite well.
"ALL WHO WISH TO JOIN OUR CAUSE, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHING AND FOLLOW ME! COME AND FOLLOW THE WAYS OF S.P.E.W. WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"
She sprinted down the table, knocking off bowls of food and laughing in merriment at the freedom only a nudist knows. Stampedes of teenagers were following her outside the castle. Clothing was left on the floor.
Socks, shirts, robes, slacks, knickers, and various other items of clothing buried Professor Snape. He dug is way out, gasping for air. He looked up to see the entire faculty still in their seats.
"Oh, there you are, Severus. I thought you had went off to join the young ones," Dumbledore said.
Snape crawled to the table, past an unconscious McGonagall. "I didn't have a part in this! I didn't do it! It was a joke, I swear! I'm not to blame!"
"Of course not, Severus. Children are prone to rebellions," Dumbledore answered. "However, we have a very strange riot on our hands. I suggest all faculty members remain in their quarters until this is resolved. I will try talking to Ms. Granger. In the meantime, all classes are cancelled."
"That's it? We're going to hide in our rooms?" Snape spouted.
Dumbledore smiled. "For the moment, yes. Severus, if you have anymore ideas on the subject, you're welcome to voice them...to the faculty, of course."
"Oh, for Merlin's sake!"
Part 3: The Flashing Brigade
Harry collected his jaw from the ground and blinked several times.
"Are you telling me that Hermione Granger, our Hermione Granger, began this campaign for nudity?"
"Well, if you'd let the headmaster finish the story, Potter," Draco hissed. "Of course, you'll never truly 'get it' because you weren't there. It was quite a spectacle, one of the most beautiful days of my life." He wore a dreamy expression. "I knew from that moment on that I was quite straight..."
"Quite liberating," Ron added, stuffing his face with lemon drops from the Headmaster's desk.
"Yes, you've said that before," Harry snapped. "But this makes no sense! No bloody sense at all! Hermione knows better than to devise such a plan; there are so many flaws! Why? Why? Why!?"
Dumbledore grinned. "Not so very flawed actually. In fact, it was one of the best plans of the century."
"For House Elf Rights?" Harry frowned.
"Oh, no, my boy," Dumbledore chucked. "That part was a bit strange; however, Ms. Granger could never have guessed how important her actions were that day."
"Stripping?"
"Shut up, mate," Ron scowled.
"Yeah," Draco pitched in, "Dumbledore's about to tell you about The Flashing Brigade, right?"
"That I am, Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore answered.
"Bloody Flashing Brigade?" Harry asked.
"Yes, The Flashing Brigade, Harry," Dumbledore answered. "After Hermione Granger led the students to nudity, she realized that the group needed to organize its attacks."
Harry's brow furrowed. "Attacks?"
Exactly 23 seconds after Hermione's rally...
Shouts issued through the air. Flags made of underwear were raised from every tower. Quidditch players rode their brooms high above the castle, unaffected by the morning chill (not). All of them were shouting toward Dumbledore's office. All stood for one cause: Nudity.
"STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!"
"WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!"
"TAKE YOUR BLOODY CLOTHES OFF!"
"HELLO?"
This last cry came from Hagrid. The poor chap had been out drinking the night before and had been running late for breakfast. To say the least, he missed a lot.
Hermione hitched a ride on Ginny's broom, and they landed before the half-giant. Hermione approached the Professor/grounds-keeper with a smile, her cheeks rosy with exhilaration. The large man was rubbing his eyes furiously.
"Hagrid, you're not dreaming," Hermione said, in a kind voice. "We're streaking for House Elf's Rights. I finally got S.P.E.W off the ground." Hagrid looked down at her and the hundred plus students behind her. "You have but one choice, Professor. Surrender your clothing for the benefit off all and become one of us."
"Don't look like I have much of a choice, do it?" Hagrid grunted.
Hermione turned to her followers. "HEAR ME! THE FIRST PROFESSOR HAS JOINED OUR LEGION OF NUDISTS! HAGRID IS ONE OF OURS. NOW WE MUST PROVE OURSELVES TO THE REST OF THE FACULTY WHO HIDE AWAY IN THEIR ROOMS. I NEED A GROUP WHO IS WILLING TO GO WITH ME TO CONVERT THE OTHERS! THOSE WHO WILL UNDERTAKE SUCH DANGERS, FOLLOW ME!"
Twenty students made their way out of the group of protesters and stood around Hermione. Amongst them were familiar faces including Ginny, Luna, Neville, Ron, Lavender, Cho, Draco, Pansy, and Goyle. (Draco excused Crabbe, saying that he was enjoying himself by sewing underwear into banners.) Hermione glowed with pride as she surveyed them.
"You will be perfect," she said. "Everyone huddle up."
Ron looked a bit worried. "This is fun and all, but how on earth are we going to get the Professors to join us. Do we actually want them to join us?"
"Good point," Draco nodded.
"Thanks, Malfoy."
"You're welcome, Weasley."
"We want everyone to join us," Hermione said firmly. "Legally, Dumbledore is in charge of this castle. He and the Professors own shares of Hogwarts and Wal-Mart (no, I don't know why), therefore, if they give up clothing, the House Elves will be set free."
"Oh, yeah, the House Elves," Ron said. "I'd forgotten about them."
"Why else would we be stripping, Ron?" Hermione snapped.
"Because it's fun?" Ron asked.
"You're right, Weasley," Draco agreed.
"Thanks, Malfoy."
"Oh, get a room!" Ginny snapped at the two boys.
"Oh, I'm quite straight now," Draco smiled, giving her a wink.
"Now?" Pansy asked, aghast.
"I'm quite sure I am, too," Ron smiled, giving Pansy a wink of her own.
"This is odd," Hermione stated. "Back to business. I have a plan for winning over the faculty. We have Hagrid, but, let's face it, the other Professors already know that he's outlandish."
"What's the plan?" Neville asked, looking very confused.
"Well, I was going to go into detail, but Ron and Malfoy have the attention spans of goldfish, so I'll give you the basic outline." Hermione took a deep breath. "We're going to put together a Flashing Brigade."
"Flashing Brigade?" Neville asked.
"Oh, that sounds lovely," Luna laughed.
"Neat," Goyle stated. "What's that?"
Hermione pulled the group in closer and began the first secret meeting of The Flashing Brigade. A good two and a half minutes later, they stood back up, smiling and nodding. All in all, they seemed very proud of themselves.
"So, my brigade, are you ready to face unparalleled dangers and take on the faculty?" Hermione asked.
Ron frowned. "You're being a bit melodramatic, Hermione."
Lunchtime: Still day one of the new nudist trend...
Minerva McGonagall was grading the third years' essays on mug transfigurations when she heard a knock at the door. She stopped, sat down her quill, and stood slowly, listening. The knock came again. She swallowed. At the moment, she was feeling very paranoid. After all, her favorite student had just performed at quick version of strip-tease in front of the entire school only a few hours ago.
She approached the door as if she were an actress in a cheap muggle horror film. Her fingers were mere inches from the knob when she pulled back.
"Who is it?" she asked, cautiously.
There was a moment of silence before she heard Hermione Granger's voice issue from outside the door.
"Professor McGonagall? May I have a word?"
"No. You may not have a word, Ms. Granger!" McGonagall snapped.
"I'm so sorry, Professor. I realize what a fool I was this morning. Don't you forgive me?"
McGonagall softened. "Of course, I forgive you."
"Perhaps, we should discuss my punishment," Hermione said, her voice seeming strained. "I feel sort of awkward speaking to you through the door. Mind if I come in?"
"I'm expecting a good explanation for your actions, Ms. Granger," McGonagall replied. She turned the knob, and the door burst open. Seven nude students ran inside, howling and chanting like buffoons. McGonagall did the only rational thing she could do and screamed.
"Join us!" the nude students shouted, running around her like a group of natives. They howled and made strange animal noises before exiting out the door. Hermione was the only student left in the room.
"Sorry for lying to you, Professor, but I do believe we've made our point," she said with a gentle smile. "House Elf rights are very important. I expect the faculty should come to terms with our new beliefs and surrender over all articles of clothing."
"You're all mad!" McGonagall shouted, shooing Hermione out of the room. "Put your clothes back on!" She slammed the door shut, and immediately pulled out a bottle of fire whiskey.
Hermione smiled outside the door. "She'll join us soon enough," she stated confidently. "How are the other groups doing?"
Like clockwork, Ginny reported back, carrying news from the other members of The Flashing Brigade. "Six faculty members have opened their doors to us. Two passed out and the rest are scared out of their minds. One has joined us: Trelawney. She claims to foresee our victory."
"Only decent prediction the woman's made all year," Ron piped up.
Draco appeared from around the corner. "I have news everyone. Pomfrey and Sprout are ours--though they now refuse to leave their rooms."
"But their clothes are gone?" Hermione asked. Draco nodded. "Fabulous!" she screeched.
Draco looked very proud of himself indeed. "Who's next?"
"Well, we have but one professor to speak to before we take our case to Dumbledore," Hermione said. "We should go speak to Professor Snape. After all, this was all his idea."
Hermione cleared her throat. "Come on Flashing Brigade! To the Dungeons!"
Part 4: Snake Out of the Bag
Dumbledore paused. "Well?"
Harry raised a brow yet again. "Well, what?"
"Well aren't you enraged, I think he means," Ron explained.
"Yeah, aren't you amazed that Granger lied to a teacher? Hell, I was." Draco smiled wickedly. "Not that I had anything against it, of course."
Harry did indeed look amazed. "I'm at a bloody school filled with bloody nudists, and my friend telling a lie-the same friend who started this bloody nudist rally for house elf rights-is suppose to shock and amaze me?! I'm way past SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT right now, thank you very much, straight-Malfoy!"
"I was just asking," Draco sneered.
"Yeah, Harry," Ron put in, "that's no reason to yell at Draco."
"I don't need an excuse to yell at a Slytherin!" Harry erupted.
"Slytherin?" Ron asked. "Oh, the Headmaster hasn't gotten to the part where--"
"On with the tale," Dumbledore interrupted. "Where was I? Oh, yes, back to the dungeon..."
"Scene of the bloody crime," Harry muttered.
The Dungeons. Exactly six hours, thirty-seven minutes, and fifty-four seconds after initiation of project Birthday Suit
Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, and Ginny Weasley stood before the door to Professor Snape's office. The rest of the Flashing Brigade had decided not to try their hands (and other various body parts) at converting the potion's master. Hermione was ashamed to say that Ron would not be joining them in the dungeons. He had backed out of the latest mission after Pansy Parkinson had decided to make protest signs for their final stand. ("I got to work out some ahem house relations," Ron had gushed.)
"I can't believe that git dropped us!" Ginny shouted, crossing her arms.
Draco put a hand on her shoulder. "You shouldn't talk about your brother that way. He's serving the cause, just not in the dungeons."
"Wimps," Ginny hissed. "You know, he's snogging Parkinson somewhere."
"I don't have a problem with that," Draco replied. "I think I got the better deal."
Hermione turned to the two with a raised brow. "What? Is seeing Snape the better deal, Draco?"
Draco grinned wickedly. "Not how I see it."
Ginny squealed and jumped, putting a hand on her backside. "DRACO!"
"We have a job to do!" Hermione yelled. "Quit fooling around. Professor Snape must fall to us, or else our mission is over. Do you understand?"
"Sir, yes, sir," Draco saluted. "Sorry, Hermione." The Slytherin had loosened up considerably after sharing a flask of fire whiskey with a Hufflepuff, their own form of breaking bread.
"We'll be good," Ginny said.
Hermione nodded. "Let's get to it then, shall we?"
She knocked on the door. They immediately hear footsteps approaching from inside.
"Who dares disturb me!" shouted a voice. The three students jumped backward.
"This is Hermione Granger, Professor. We are here for your clothing. Surrender. Or face the consequences."
"Oh, in that case..." The students heard an unlocking spell being muttered within. Hermione gave Ginny a questionable stare. Was the professor going to attack them? Or had he literally lost his mind?
There was silence.
"Where is he?" Ginny asked.
The door flung open, half lifted off its hinges.
"Hello, my pupils..."
Draco Malfoy fell to the floor, Ginny Weasley burst into girlish giggles, and Hermione stood with mouth dropped open. Behold! Severus Snape stood before them, braced against the doorway, a cool, calculated expression on his face. Oh, and he was nude. Yes. The great, evil, slimy git, Professor Snape was without clothing.
Hermione recovered, taking a deep breath. "Professor? It seems you've, umm. Well..."
Hermione surveyed the man before her in disbelief. He was as pale as marble, wearing only a black band tied onto his lower arm. He was nude. An older man nude. And she liked it. She felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment.
Draco stood back up, a bit tipsy from the turn of events (and the fire whiskey). "Well… Umm, Ginny and I will be going somewhere because there has to be something to do or something."
Ginny shook her head quickly. "Yes, that thing we were going to do. We'll see you later. Congratulations on joining the winners, Professor Snape."
The two students ran away, leaving Hermione with Snape.
"Professor, you changed your mind about joining?"
Snape frowned, as if bored. "It was my idea, you know."
"Of-of course," Hermione stuttered. "What's with the black band?"
Snape seemed to be losing control of the situation. "It's for mourning. I'm mourning that stupid mutt, Black."
Hermione raised brow.
"Fine! I couldn't find a proper glamour to hide the Dark Mark. I couldn't just go prancing around with it showing!" Snape glared.
"I understand." Hermione smiled. "So glamours don't work?" Snape glared. "Have you tried makeup?"
"You stupid girl, of course I've tried... Makeup? Makeup. That could work." Snape frowned. "But where would I find makeup?"
Hermione's cheeks turned redder, if that was possible. "Well, up in my room, I have a great supply of makeup. I even have some that magically blends in with your skin color. It's by Maybelline."
"Ingenious. To your room then, Ms. Granger?"
Hermione showed Snape to her room. As Head Girl, she had quarters all to her own, which at this moment she found overly convenient. Snape sat on the edge of her bed as she dug through a box of lipstick and foundation.
"Professor, why exactly did you join us?"
Snape smiled, but Hermione didn't see that since her back was to him. "I always join the winning side. It's a problem that's gotten me into trouble in the past. Plus, since I am to blame for this catastrophe..."
"It's no catastrophe, Professor," Hermione muttered, still searching for the right bottle.
Snape, however, was enjoying the view. In fact, some might say that he was enjoying it a bit too much. Snape noticed what was happening at once and grabbed a pillow to cover 'himself' with.
"Aha!" Hermione turned around, holding up a small vial. She sat on the bed beside her professor and took off his arm band. She stopped, thinking.
"Perhaps you should take a shower first, Professor," she suggested.
Snape held the pillow tightly. "Excuse me! Ms. Granger! Why would you suggest such a thing?"
She looked confused. "Because I'll have to redo your makeup before tomorrow if you don't take your shower first," she explained.
Snape calmed down, somewhat. "Oh. Well, I assure you that I'm perfectly clean."
Hermione laughed at his expression and stood up to get a makeup sponge. She turned suddenly and looked down at the pillow Snape was holding in his lap. A wicked, knowing smile crept onto her face.
"Why, Professor!"
Dumbledore's office. The present.
"STOP! Stop the story!" Harry shouted. "Why is this information important?!"
"You asked," Dumbledore explain. "Plus, it adds to the plot."
"How in Merlin's name does this add to the plot!" Harry choked.
"Potter, I do wish you'd quit interrupting the tale," Draco whined. He had magicked up a bowl of popcorn for him and Ron to share.
"Yeah! We were getting to the good part!" Ron said.
"I'm going to vomit," Harry stated, his voice monotone.
"Do step outside the room." Draco shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
Dumbledore frowned. "It seems I will not be allowed to tell that part of the story. Perhaps I should transfer the setting to that of the broom closet."
"NO!" Ron and Draco shouted.
"Which…ahem…one?" Ron asked.
"Third floor," Dumbledore answered.
"NO!" Draco shouted, choking on a kernel. "Let's not. Perhaps we should fast forward to the important part."
"Hey, where were you at this time?" Ron asked Draco.
Draco turned pale. "Not with your sister in the broom closet, that's for sure."
Ron smiled and nodded dully. "And I was not in the broom closet on the sixth floor with your ex, either, mate."
"I can't believe you've lost your brains with your boxers!" Harry shouted.
"Boys, we can discuss this later. Time is drawing near. Our tale must be hurried somewhat." Dumbledore announced.
Draco and Ron looked downtrodden but nodded. Harry covered his face with his hands. This was going to be a long story.
Dumbledore began. "As you know, the students were now aiming to bring their terms to me. The protest gained fury and the students were. . . ."
Link to the second half and more nekkidness...