[026] The Fifth Season
Title: The Fifth Season
Group: TOKIO
Pairing/Genre: Leader/Gussan, Leader/Taichi, implied Taichi/Nagase (assorted friendship pairings); angst, fluff, romance
Rating/Warnings: PG-13; none (language, angst, some fluff, excessive use of lyrical quotations)
Word Count: 3400
Summary: Who's there to pick up the pieces when your whole world collapses?
Notes: Written for basil_ovelby for je_holiday. <3 Originally posted HERE. Many thanks to my beta, astrangerenters, for being lovely as always. :3 Lyrics blatantly stolen from Akanishi Jin's The Fifth Season.
Spring was just beginning to creep in when Joshima's world fell apart. Soft breezes pushed the early cherry blossoms from their branches, tumbling them through the streets of Tokyo in a haphazard dance welcoming new life. Joshima loved spring - the birth of a new year, new animals, new opportunities.
But spring also brought him endings - of happiness, of joy, of early mornings waking up in the arms of the one he so desperately loved and wanted to have love him back.
The clock on the bedroom wall ticked seconds away. Joshima could just barely make out the hands as they moved around the face in the shadows of the early morning city lights. Sometime after 3 a.m., he was sure of it. He could feel fatigue creeping in, soaking his brain in post-coital bliss and exhaustion. Joshima fought it, pushed it back. 'Not yet,' he thought, pinpricks of cold penetrating the warm cocoon they'd created. A strong, warm arm wrapped around his waist and Joshima felt himself melt into it, giving in to the endorphins racing through his body. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
He woke up alone.
---
It's spring, but you're still snowing after two and a half years.
---
Joshima was well accustomed to waking up alone. Tatsuya had set that standard years ago, when they were still bright eyed with the early touches of fame and terrified of what the future held. They'd clung to each other, tighter than ever before. The first morning Joshima had woken up alone felt like the first snap of winter cold against his skin. They'd never spoken of it, never discussed why Tatsuya had left him alone. Joshima chose to assume the best instead - they'd never kept personal belongings at each other's homes, surely Tatsuya just needed to get something. Clothes or his planner, maybe. Not at all that he didn't want to be there in the morning.
That would be too heartbreaking.
What Joshima wasn't accustomed to was finding a fully dressed and rather dour-looking Tatsuya sitting in his living room at six in the morning.
"Tatsuya," Joshima breathed, a bit shell-shocked as he stood there in his pajama bottoms and socks. The room was cold, but not nearly as icy as the look Tatsuya leveled at him. "I thought...." He trailed off, afraid to verbalize what he actually thought. Afraid it might be true.
"I know. I'm sorry," Tatsuya said flatly, his eyes solid blocks of ice. "I meant to tell you this last night, but we got....distracted."
He stood and walked to Joshima slowly, deliberately. Joshima's mind whirled with possibilities. A rock of insecurity settled deep in his stomach as he waited, holding his breath in anticipation.
He wasn't prepared for the two words that would forever change the course of his life.
"Reina's pregnant."
---
From a belief that I had placed you in the container of love and sorrow, now it never comes off
---
You have eighteen missed calls. *beep*
"Leader? It's Mabo. Pick up. Pick uuuuuup. Pick up the phone. I know you're there and I know you're screening. Pick up the phoooone. You know I'm just going to call back, right? Well. If you think about it, call me. If you need anything. You have my number. Bye."
*beep*
"Old man! Mabo told me to call and harass you. Get off your wrinkled old ass and come to karaoke with me tonight! I'll make one of the waitresses hit on you or something. CALL ME."
*beep*
"That was Nagase, by the way. CALL ME. KARAOKE AND BOOBS."
*beep*
"Joshima-san, this is Kyoko from the company. We were wondering if you would be at filming today? Please call us back either way. Thank you."
*beep*
"Seriously, Shige, it's Matsuoka again. I am no longer amused. I'm coming over there in 20 minutes if you don't call me back."
*beep*
"Leader? It's uh. It's Taichi. Yeah. I, um. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Um.....yeah. Mabo's being a pushy bastard. Would you please at least mail him or something so he knows you're alive? We're all worried about you. Even Nagase, which is, you know, saying something. Please? I just....I hate seeing you like this and... Yeah. Just...just call someone. Bye. Oh, and I'll see you tomorrow? For rehearsal? Yeah? I hope so. Um. Bye."
---
I wanted it to be somewhere inside of me and never back there
---
Mabo snapped his phone shut for the fourth time in as many hours and scowled down at the little light up display. He'd finally gotten Leader on the phone after countless messages, texts and threats to his person. Mabo wasn't sure what else he could possibly do to bring Leader out of his funk. They'd all seen it coming, Gussan's wedding. He'd been with Reina almost a decade. He'd been with Leader, though, for almost two. Mabo had known that eventually, Leader would feel that heartbreak - that soul-crushing moment, all breath forced from his body, all hope extinguished.
Sighing, Mabo pulled another beer from Taichi's fridge and took a long pull, enjoying the cold bitterness as it swept down his throat. Taichi had excellent taste in booze for being barely tall enough to be considered a human.
"Toss me one," Taichi said, entering the kitchen, empty chip bowl in hand. He leaned against the counter next to Mabo, sipping at his own beer for a moment before speaking. "Poker night was a good idea," he mused. It had started simply enough - a few guys from the Shonen Club staff getting together once a week or so to play poker, drink beer, bitch about their wives. It hadn't taken long for Taichi to get involved, and then Mabo, who was a better poker player than should have been allowed among amateurs.
Mabo nodded in agreement, a quiet hum in the back of his throat. "Shame we couldn't get Leader out here with us," he said, carefully watching Taichi out of the corner of his eye.
Taichi's eyes slid out of focus for a moment as he took a drink. "Yeah," he breathed. "He's, you know, having a hard time right now. I'm not sure the guys would understand, exactly."
"Have you gone to talk to him yet?" Mabo asked, taking another swig from his drink.
Taichi sighed and looked down, his fingers fiddling with the bottle label. "No. I left him a message the other day. I just....don't know what to say, how to make it better. You know?"
Mabo pushed himself off the counter, grabbed the replenished bowl of snacks and clapped one hand on Taichi's shoulder. "Start simple," he advised, smiling sadly.
"Simple," Taichi breathed, watching Mabo walk out of the room.
How in the world do you help someone piece their heart back together?
---
But every time you're near you stir my heart again
---
Joshima leaned against the balcony with a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure why he had even come. Mabo had repeated something about "closure" and "if you don't go I'll drag you" over and over. Joshima had to admit he'd had a point - watching Tatsuya marry someone else had been closure, in a way. The reception was lovely. One of the older hotels in the area had hosted - delicious food, free beer and a view of the countryside unmatched by anything Joshima had seen so far.
He chalked up the numbness of his limbs to the cool early-spring air, rather than the sorrow threatening to creep into his heart again.
"Alright there?" Nagase's voice broke through the reverie of the reception. Joshima turned and smiled, a bit sad, but mostly grateful for the company.
"I'm okay," he replied quietly.
Nagase handed him a beer, taking a deep swig of his own and looked at the sky.
"Nice night," he remarked. Joshima sipped at his drink and watched Nagase carefully. They'd never been particularly close, both age and interests keeping them a safe distance apart, but he liked Nagase for the most part, could respect him for what he'd done in the industry. Joshima knew the sacrifices Nagase had made to get to this point, just as he had made his own.
"Hmm," Joshima hummed in agreement. He looked at his hands and wondered how much longer his awkward teenage phase was going to last. It was pushing thirty years.
"Look, Leader," Nagase started, visibly tense.
"Yeah?"
"I, uh." Nagase took another drink and avoided Joshima's eyes. Joshima raised one eyebrow in question.
"Just, you know, we can talk. If you need to. About, you know, things. I won't judge," Nagase said quickly. "And not just boobs. That voice mail was mostly a joke. We can talk about serious things, too."
Joshima's confusion settled into a warm glow in his stomach. For all his teasing and gruffness, Nagase had a tendency to surprise him with moments like this.
"Thanks, Tomoya. I appreciate that," he said, extending his hand.
Nagase looked down at it, chuckled, and pulled Joshima into a quick, bone-crushing hug. "Tell no one about this," he whispered and releasing Joshima, hurried back inside.
Maybe it wouldn't be all bad, Joshima thought, small smile still playing across his lips. Putting on a brave face, Joshima turned to head back inside to congratulate the new bride and her husband.
---
Now I'm losing my sense of seasons
---
Joshima's feet were freezing. It had been almost twenty years of outdoor summer-themed photoshoots in the dead of winter and he'd yet to get used to it. He prayed fervently that he never would.
Stumbling into the dressing room, Joshima's complaints died in his throat as he heard the sounds of piano keys being delicately pressed. He poked his head around the corner and smiled. Taichi's eyes were closed, fingers carefully finding each key from memory. Joshima didn't recognize the song offhand, maybe something by Bach, perhaps. He backed away slowly, not wanting to disturb Taichi's moment of peace, and headed to his bag.
Something shiny poked out the top. Placing his hand in the bag, Joshima realized it was warm, too.
"What in the world?" he mumbled, tugging the oblong item out for closer inspection. He peeled away a corner of the foil wrapping and beamed. A sweet potato, hot and fresh. They'd gone for them once, he and Taichi. Joshima had nearly forgotten the day they'd bundled up between meetings and gotten a snack from the vendor on the corner. He'd off-handedly mentioned they were his favorite, something he'd never expected anyone to remember.
Picking up the accompanying note, Joshima felt tears sting the corners of his eyes as he read two simple words: Feel better.
He smiled at Taichi's back and took a bite, already feeling infinitely better.
---
I hear clock ticks, louder than usual
---
The knock at the door was loud, insistent. Joshima looked at the clock next to the bed - 2:24 a.m. Who in the world would be knocking at his door at that time of the night?
Flipping on the light, Joshima padded to the front door, calling a quiet "hold on, please!" on his way. He opened the door and blinking, stepped out of the way as a very wet and, apparently, drunk Taichi stumbled in.
"Taichi?" he asked, eyes wide with curiosity and placing one hand on the man's shoulder to help him stand up. "What are you doing here? You know you live a few blocks over, right?"
"Leader," Taichi started. His eyes were bright with a combination of alcohol and something Joshima couldn't quite put his finger on. "Shige," he said, quieter this time.
"Are you oka-"
Taichi cut him off, speaking quickly. "Shige, I love you."
Silence.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Taichi started again, slower this time. "I love you. I've loved you for...forever. I watched you waste so much time on Gussan and he never loved you back, ever, and it breaks my goddamn heart."
Joshima realized with a start that he'd stopped breathing. "But, I. I thought you and Nagase....?" he trailed off questioningly.
Taichi's eyes went, if possible, even wider. "What?" he squealed. "What? No. Oh god. No. No. No. Like that is just...you know, just flirting. That's just Nagase. He's just...like that." Taichi waved one hand vaguely for a moment before pressing on, taking an unsteady step forward. "You, though, Shige. You're special. You're so special it hurts."
Joshima didn't know what to say, choosing to stay still and quiet for a moment, watching Taichi sway slightly under the influence of the alcohol.
"Goddammit," Taichi breathed, bitter laughter tinging his voice. "I walked all the way over here in the fucking rain. I've followed you around like a goddamn puppy for years. I just want you to love me. Why won't you just love me back? Why? All I want is...all I want is you."
He moved to the door, stumbling over a pair of shoes on the floor. "All I've ever wanted was you, Shige," he said over one shoulder. Nodding, Taichi slammed the door behind him.
Joshima leaned against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor in the dark.
"Shit," he whispered.
---
The summer went away faster and like that
---
Days later Joshima's world, already spinning wildly out of control, tilted even further on its axis. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and he wasn't sure what to do to fix it.
It was one of those rare occasions, just him and Nagase for an interview. Nagase joked and prodded, made the expected remarks about age and intelligence. Joshima watched him carefully, analyzing in his head who Nagase really was. They'd known each other for years, but what did he really know about his bandmate? They'd never discussed their private lives, who they were dating, what they did outside of work.
They walked back to the green room in comfortable silence. The difference in demeanor between Nagase's public and private faces never ceased to surprise Joshima. He was a better actor than he got credit for, carefully blending the serious and silly every moment the cameras were on. Joshima could respect him for that.
Stretching, Nagase plopped down on one of the couches as they reentered the room.
"I am beat," he mumbled into the arm tossed across his face.
"Long night?" Joshima asked, carefully taking off the sequined jacket wardrobe had provided.
"Mmm," Nagase hummed. "Taichi had me up late the last few days. Midget just goes for hours and hours. You'd think he was a fuckin' bunny or something. Maybe a lemming. Or, wait, a cheetah? Which one is faster? Leader?"
Joshima had frozen mid-strip, pants at his knees and shirt undone.
"What's wrong? Got Little Shige caught there or something?"
All the air had rushed from the room. Joshima felt as if he were in a vacuum, Nagase's voice hollow and far away. He coughed and finished dressing.
"I just have to....go," Joshima raced from the room, shirt still unbuttoned and more than a little ruffled. He wasn't sure what to think. Half of him wanted to be infuriated - Taichi confesses than goes and sleeps with Nagase? - the other half, sorry he missed his chance. Emotions surged through him - confusion, frustration, anger, but most of all, regret. It was the regret that shone brightest as Joshima hurried through the halls, desperate for an escape.
He'd missed his chance.
He wasn't going to miss it again.
---
Engraved your name on this song
---
Joshima shuffled past number 518 for easily the sixth time in ten minutes. He knew what needed to be done, but the prospect terrified him. What if he was rejected? What if he broke up a relationship? He wasn't sure if he could live with himself if that happened.
"You can do this, you can do this," he murmured, pushing aside his fears and insecurities. Joshima had to believe in himself if he was ever going to get what he wanted. And what he wanted right now was some answers.
Steeling himself, he raised one hand and knocked quickly. What followed was the longest 27 seconds of his life.
Then, footsteps. The chain on the door. Joshima's stomach turned somersaults at top speed.
"Shige?" Taichi asked, opening the door tentatively.
"Um, hi," Joshima breathed, not trusting his voice to work properly. Clearing his throat, he gathered his confidence and spoke. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." Taichi stepped backward, opening the door widely and letting Joshima shuffle in, toeing off his shoes. He stood there for a moment, stocking feet bouncing a bit on the gleaming wood floors before speaking again.
"I, um. I'm sorry, I didn't call. I just, wanted to talk to you and, you know, I'm bad with people," Joshima looked down, noting a small hole in one of his socks and desperately avoiding Taichi's eyes.
"No, it's fine," Taichi said quietly. Joshima saw him cross his arms defensively and his heart sunk. "I was just wondering why you're here at all."
Joshima's head snapped up, eyes wide. "Because. Well, because you...and my apartment? And then Nagase and the...thing. And he said...."
"Leader, I have no idea what you're talking about," Taichi said, face a mask of confusion.
Taking a deep breath, Joshima started over. "You came over to my apartment and said you loved me and then Nagase said, well he implied, but you know Nagase, that you slept with him and I just wanted to know if you actually loved me or if you're just messing with my head while you're actually...messing around with Nagase." Joshima wrinkled his nose at his own awkwardness and pressed forward. "Because if you actually did love me, then you should probably know that..."
"That what, Shige?" Taichi asked, eyes the size of saucers.
"Y-you're the only one who ever calls me Shige," he muttered, thoughtful. Joshima had never noticed before. Almost everyone called him Leader. Even Tatsuya had called him 'Joshima' most of the time. Mabo only ever used his first name when he was scolding him. But Taichi...
"I mean, that...that I love you, too. And I'm sorry," Joshima finished, diverting his eyes again. Here it comes, he thought. The big rejection. 'Sorry, but I love Monkey Boy.' He could hear the words tumbling from Taichi's lips and prepared to run.
"Three things," Taichi started. Joshima could have sworn he heard a tinge of amusement in his voice. His shoulders slumped as he waited for it. "Firstly, I've never, and I would like to emphasize never, slept with Nagase. Secondly, Gussan's a complete and utter dick."
Joshima looked up slowly, not daring to hope, but praying deep inside that it wasn't what he expected. Taichi took a step toward him and grasped one hand in his own, smiling.
"Lastly," Taichi said, beaming so bright Joshima feared being blinded. "I want nothing more than to give you the kind of love you deserve for as long as you'll let me."
When their lips met for the first time, Joshima finally understood what it meant to believe you were worthy of being loved.
---
I know, it's love. It's overflowing.
---
Group: TOKIO
Pairing/Genre: Leader/Gussan, Leader/Taichi, implied Taichi/Nagase (assorted friendship pairings); angst, fluff, romance
Rating/Warnings: PG-13; none (language, angst, some fluff, excessive use of lyrical quotations)
Word Count: 3400
Summary: Who's there to pick up the pieces when your whole world collapses?
Notes: Written for basil_ovelby for je_holiday. <3 Originally posted HERE. Many thanks to my beta, astrangerenters, for being lovely as always. :3 Lyrics blatantly stolen from Akanishi Jin's The Fifth Season.
Spring was just beginning to creep in when Joshima's world fell apart. Soft breezes pushed the early cherry blossoms from their branches, tumbling them through the streets of Tokyo in a haphazard dance welcoming new life. Joshima loved spring - the birth of a new year, new animals, new opportunities.
But spring also brought him endings - of happiness, of joy, of early mornings waking up in the arms of the one he so desperately loved and wanted to have love him back.
The clock on the bedroom wall ticked seconds away. Joshima could just barely make out the hands as they moved around the face in the shadows of the early morning city lights. Sometime after 3 a.m., he was sure of it. He could feel fatigue creeping in, soaking his brain in post-coital bliss and exhaustion. Joshima fought it, pushed it back. 'Not yet,' he thought, pinpricks of cold penetrating the warm cocoon they'd created. A strong, warm arm wrapped around his waist and Joshima felt himself melt into it, giving in to the endorphins racing through his body. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
He woke up alone.
---
It's spring, but you're still snowing after two and a half years.
---
Joshima was well accustomed to waking up alone. Tatsuya had set that standard years ago, when they were still bright eyed with the early touches of fame and terrified of what the future held. They'd clung to each other, tighter than ever before. The first morning Joshima had woken up alone felt like the first snap of winter cold against his skin. They'd never spoken of it, never discussed why Tatsuya had left him alone. Joshima chose to assume the best instead - they'd never kept personal belongings at each other's homes, surely Tatsuya just needed to get something. Clothes or his planner, maybe. Not at all that he didn't want to be there in the morning.
That would be too heartbreaking.
What Joshima wasn't accustomed to was finding a fully dressed and rather dour-looking Tatsuya sitting in his living room at six in the morning.
"Tatsuya," Joshima breathed, a bit shell-shocked as he stood there in his pajama bottoms and socks. The room was cold, but not nearly as icy as the look Tatsuya leveled at him. "I thought...." He trailed off, afraid to verbalize what he actually thought. Afraid it might be true.
"I know. I'm sorry," Tatsuya said flatly, his eyes solid blocks of ice. "I meant to tell you this last night, but we got....distracted."
He stood and walked to Joshima slowly, deliberately. Joshima's mind whirled with possibilities. A rock of insecurity settled deep in his stomach as he waited, holding his breath in anticipation.
He wasn't prepared for the two words that would forever change the course of his life.
"Reina's pregnant."
---
From a belief that I had placed you in the container of love and sorrow, now it never comes off
---
You have eighteen missed calls. *beep*
"Leader? It's Mabo. Pick up. Pick uuuuuup. Pick up the phone. I know you're there and I know you're screening. Pick up the phoooone. You know I'm just going to call back, right? Well. If you think about it, call me. If you need anything. You have my number. Bye."
*beep*
"Old man! Mabo told me to call and harass you. Get off your wrinkled old ass and come to karaoke with me tonight! I'll make one of the waitresses hit on you or something. CALL ME."
*beep*
"That was Nagase, by the way. CALL ME. KARAOKE AND BOOBS."
*beep*
"Joshima-san, this is Kyoko from the company. We were wondering if you would be at filming today? Please call us back either way. Thank you."
*beep*
"Seriously, Shige, it's Matsuoka again. I am no longer amused. I'm coming over there in 20 minutes if you don't call me back."
*beep*
"Leader? It's uh. It's Taichi. Yeah. I, um. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Um.....yeah. Mabo's being a pushy bastard. Would you please at least mail him or something so he knows you're alive? We're all worried about you. Even Nagase, which is, you know, saying something. Please? I just....I hate seeing you like this and... Yeah. Just...just call someone. Bye. Oh, and I'll see you tomorrow? For rehearsal? Yeah? I hope so. Um. Bye."
---
I wanted it to be somewhere inside of me and never back there
---
Mabo snapped his phone shut for the fourth time in as many hours and scowled down at the little light up display. He'd finally gotten Leader on the phone after countless messages, texts and threats to his person. Mabo wasn't sure what else he could possibly do to bring Leader out of his funk. They'd all seen it coming, Gussan's wedding. He'd been with Reina almost a decade. He'd been with Leader, though, for almost two. Mabo had known that eventually, Leader would feel that heartbreak - that soul-crushing moment, all breath forced from his body, all hope extinguished.
Sighing, Mabo pulled another beer from Taichi's fridge and took a long pull, enjoying the cold bitterness as it swept down his throat. Taichi had excellent taste in booze for being barely tall enough to be considered a human.
"Toss me one," Taichi said, entering the kitchen, empty chip bowl in hand. He leaned against the counter next to Mabo, sipping at his own beer for a moment before speaking. "Poker night was a good idea," he mused. It had started simply enough - a few guys from the Shonen Club staff getting together once a week or so to play poker, drink beer, bitch about their wives. It hadn't taken long for Taichi to get involved, and then Mabo, who was a better poker player than should have been allowed among amateurs.
Mabo nodded in agreement, a quiet hum in the back of his throat. "Shame we couldn't get Leader out here with us," he said, carefully watching Taichi out of the corner of his eye.
Taichi's eyes slid out of focus for a moment as he took a drink. "Yeah," he breathed. "He's, you know, having a hard time right now. I'm not sure the guys would understand, exactly."
"Have you gone to talk to him yet?" Mabo asked, taking another swig from his drink.
Taichi sighed and looked down, his fingers fiddling with the bottle label. "No. I left him a message the other day. I just....don't know what to say, how to make it better. You know?"
Mabo pushed himself off the counter, grabbed the replenished bowl of snacks and clapped one hand on Taichi's shoulder. "Start simple," he advised, smiling sadly.
"Simple," Taichi breathed, watching Mabo walk out of the room.
How in the world do you help someone piece their heart back together?
---
But every time you're near you stir my heart again
---
Joshima leaned against the balcony with a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure why he had even come. Mabo had repeated something about "closure" and "if you don't go I'll drag you" over and over. Joshima had to admit he'd had a point - watching Tatsuya marry someone else had been closure, in a way. The reception was lovely. One of the older hotels in the area had hosted - delicious food, free beer and a view of the countryside unmatched by anything Joshima had seen so far.
He chalked up the numbness of his limbs to the cool early-spring air, rather than the sorrow threatening to creep into his heart again.
"Alright there?" Nagase's voice broke through the reverie of the reception. Joshima turned and smiled, a bit sad, but mostly grateful for the company.
"I'm okay," he replied quietly.
Nagase handed him a beer, taking a deep swig of his own and looked at the sky.
"Nice night," he remarked. Joshima sipped at his drink and watched Nagase carefully. They'd never been particularly close, both age and interests keeping them a safe distance apart, but he liked Nagase for the most part, could respect him for what he'd done in the industry. Joshima knew the sacrifices Nagase had made to get to this point, just as he had made his own.
"Hmm," Joshima hummed in agreement. He looked at his hands and wondered how much longer his awkward teenage phase was going to last. It was pushing thirty years.
"Look, Leader," Nagase started, visibly tense.
"Yeah?"
"I, uh." Nagase took another drink and avoided Joshima's eyes. Joshima raised one eyebrow in question.
"Just, you know, we can talk. If you need to. About, you know, things. I won't judge," Nagase said quickly. "And not just boobs. That voice mail was mostly a joke. We can talk about serious things, too."
Joshima's confusion settled into a warm glow in his stomach. For all his teasing and gruffness, Nagase had a tendency to surprise him with moments like this.
"Thanks, Tomoya. I appreciate that," he said, extending his hand.
Nagase looked down at it, chuckled, and pulled Joshima into a quick, bone-crushing hug. "Tell no one about this," he whispered and releasing Joshima, hurried back inside.
Maybe it wouldn't be all bad, Joshima thought, small smile still playing across his lips. Putting on a brave face, Joshima turned to head back inside to congratulate the new bride and her husband.
---
Now I'm losing my sense of seasons
---
Joshima's feet were freezing. It had been almost twenty years of outdoor summer-themed photoshoots in the dead of winter and he'd yet to get used to it. He prayed fervently that he never would.
Stumbling into the dressing room, Joshima's complaints died in his throat as he heard the sounds of piano keys being delicately pressed. He poked his head around the corner and smiled. Taichi's eyes were closed, fingers carefully finding each key from memory. Joshima didn't recognize the song offhand, maybe something by Bach, perhaps. He backed away slowly, not wanting to disturb Taichi's moment of peace, and headed to his bag.
Something shiny poked out the top. Placing his hand in the bag, Joshima realized it was warm, too.
"What in the world?" he mumbled, tugging the oblong item out for closer inspection. He peeled away a corner of the foil wrapping and beamed. A sweet potato, hot and fresh. They'd gone for them once, he and Taichi. Joshima had nearly forgotten the day they'd bundled up between meetings and gotten a snack from the vendor on the corner. He'd off-handedly mentioned they were his favorite, something he'd never expected anyone to remember.
Picking up the accompanying note, Joshima felt tears sting the corners of his eyes as he read two simple words: Feel better.
He smiled at Taichi's back and took a bite, already feeling infinitely better.
---
I hear clock ticks, louder than usual
---
The knock at the door was loud, insistent. Joshima looked at the clock next to the bed - 2:24 a.m. Who in the world would be knocking at his door at that time of the night?
Flipping on the light, Joshima padded to the front door, calling a quiet "hold on, please!" on his way. He opened the door and blinking, stepped out of the way as a very wet and, apparently, drunk Taichi stumbled in.
"Taichi?" he asked, eyes wide with curiosity and placing one hand on the man's shoulder to help him stand up. "What are you doing here? You know you live a few blocks over, right?"
"Leader," Taichi started. His eyes were bright with a combination of alcohol and something Joshima couldn't quite put his finger on. "Shige," he said, quieter this time.
"Are you oka-"
Taichi cut him off, speaking quickly. "Shige, I love you."
Silence.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Taichi started again, slower this time. "I love you. I've loved you for...forever. I watched you waste so much time on Gussan and he never loved you back, ever, and it breaks my goddamn heart."
Joshima realized with a start that he'd stopped breathing. "But, I. I thought you and Nagase....?" he trailed off questioningly.
Taichi's eyes went, if possible, even wider. "What?" he squealed. "What? No. Oh god. No. No. No. Like that is just...you know, just flirting. That's just Nagase. He's just...like that." Taichi waved one hand vaguely for a moment before pressing on, taking an unsteady step forward. "You, though, Shige. You're special. You're so special it hurts."
Joshima didn't know what to say, choosing to stay still and quiet for a moment, watching Taichi sway slightly under the influence of the alcohol.
"Goddammit," Taichi breathed, bitter laughter tinging his voice. "I walked all the way over here in the fucking rain. I've followed you around like a goddamn puppy for years. I just want you to love me. Why won't you just love me back? Why? All I want is...all I want is you."
He moved to the door, stumbling over a pair of shoes on the floor. "All I've ever wanted was you, Shige," he said over one shoulder. Nodding, Taichi slammed the door behind him.
Joshima leaned against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor in the dark.
"Shit," he whispered.
---
The summer went away faster and like that
---
Days later Joshima's world, already spinning wildly out of control, tilted even further on its axis. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore and he wasn't sure what to do to fix it.
It was one of those rare occasions, just him and Nagase for an interview. Nagase joked and prodded, made the expected remarks about age and intelligence. Joshima watched him carefully, analyzing in his head who Nagase really was. They'd known each other for years, but what did he really know about his bandmate? They'd never discussed their private lives, who they were dating, what they did outside of work.
They walked back to the green room in comfortable silence. The difference in demeanor between Nagase's public and private faces never ceased to surprise Joshima. He was a better actor than he got credit for, carefully blending the serious and silly every moment the cameras were on. Joshima could respect him for that.
Stretching, Nagase plopped down on one of the couches as they reentered the room.
"I am beat," he mumbled into the arm tossed across his face.
"Long night?" Joshima asked, carefully taking off the sequined jacket wardrobe had provided.
"Mmm," Nagase hummed. "Taichi had me up late the last few days. Midget just goes for hours and hours. You'd think he was a fuckin' bunny or something. Maybe a lemming. Or, wait, a cheetah? Which one is faster? Leader?"
Joshima had frozen mid-strip, pants at his knees and shirt undone.
"What's wrong? Got Little Shige caught there or something?"
All the air had rushed from the room. Joshima felt as if he were in a vacuum, Nagase's voice hollow and far away. He coughed and finished dressing.
"I just have to....go," Joshima raced from the room, shirt still unbuttoned and more than a little ruffled. He wasn't sure what to think. Half of him wanted to be infuriated - Taichi confesses than goes and sleeps with Nagase? - the other half, sorry he missed his chance. Emotions surged through him - confusion, frustration, anger, but most of all, regret. It was the regret that shone brightest as Joshima hurried through the halls, desperate for an escape.
He'd missed his chance.
He wasn't going to miss it again.
---
Engraved your name on this song
---
Joshima shuffled past number 518 for easily the sixth time in ten minutes. He knew what needed to be done, but the prospect terrified him. What if he was rejected? What if he broke up a relationship? He wasn't sure if he could live with himself if that happened.
"You can do this, you can do this," he murmured, pushing aside his fears and insecurities. Joshima had to believe in himself if he was ever going to get what he wanted. And what he wanted right now was some answers.
Steeling himself, he raised one hand and knocked quickly. What followed was the longest 27 seconds of his life.
Then, footsteps. The chain on the door. Joshima's stomach turned somersaults at top speed.
"Shige?" Taichi asked, opening the door tentatively.
"Um, hi," Joshima breathed, not trusting his voice to work properly. Clearing his throat, he gathered his confidence and spoke. "Can I come in?"
"Sure." Taichi stepped backward, opening the door widely and letting Joshima shuffle in, toeing off his shoes. He stood there for a moment, stocking feet bouncing a bit on the gleaming wood floors before speaking again.
"I, um. I'm sorry, I didn't call. I just, wanted to talk to you and, you know, I'm bad with people," Joshima looked down, noting a small hole in one of his socks and desperately avoiding Taichi's eyes.
"No, it's fine," Taichi said quietly. Joshima saw him cross his arms defensively and his heart sunk. "I was just wondering why you're here at all."
Joshima's head snapped up, eyes wide. "Because. Well, because you...and my apartment? And then Nagase and the...thing. And he said...."
"Leader, I have no idea what you're talking about," Taichi said, face a mask of confusion.
Taking a deep breath, Joshima started over. "You came over to my apartment and said you loved me and then Nagase said, well he implied, but you know Nagase, that you slept with him and I just wanted to know if you actually loved me or if you're just messing with my head while you're actually...messing around with Nagase." Joshima wrinkled his nose at his own awkwardness and pressed forward. "Because if you actually did love me, then you should probably know that..."
"That what, Shige?" Taichi asked, eyes the size of saucers.
"Y-you're the only one who ever calls me Shige," he muttered, thoughtful. Joshima had never noticed before. Almost everyone called him Leader. Even Tatsuya had called him 'Joshima' most of the time. Mabo only ever used his first name when he was scolding him. But Taichi...
"I mean, that...that I love you, too. And I'm sorry," Joshima finished, diverting his eyes again. Here it comes, he thought. The big rejection. 'Sorry, but I love Monkey Boy.' He could hear the words tumbling from Taichi's lips and prepared to run.
"Three things," Taichi started. Joshima could have sworn he heard a tinge of amusement in his voice. His shoulders slumped as he waited for it. "Firstly, I've never, and I would like to emphasize never, slept with Nagase. Secondly, Gussan's a complete and utter dick."
Joshima looked up slowly, not daring to hope, but praying deep inside that it wasn't what he expected. Taichi took a step toward him and grasped one hand in his own, smiling.
"Lastly," Taichi said, beaming so bright Joshima feared being blinded. "I want nothing more than to give you the kind of love you deserve for as long as you'll let me."
When their lips met for the first time, Joshima finally understood what it meant to believe you were worthy of being loved.
---
I know, it's love. It's overflowing.
---