[Fic] A Perfect Christmas
Title: A Perfect Christmas
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None really, worksafe.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Tuti and Nagayan exchange Christmas gifts. Mostly just a bit of sappy Christmas fluff.
Notes: My first Christmassy fic, because I just couldn't resist. I hope you enjoy it. Comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Oh! And Happy Holidays to everyone since this will probably be my last post before leaving for home tomorrow. ^____^
Nagayan paced back and forth across the room, pausing here and there to sigh, or to look at the clock, or to stare out the window at the light snow falling onto the railing of the balcony. He was fine doing anything really, as long as it distracted him from what he really wanted to do, which was to get Tuti on the phone, right now, and call this whole stupid gift exchange thing off.
And it was strange, because normally Nagayan loved Christmas. He loved the snow, and the gift giving, and even just the novelty of saying Merry Christmas, which he always thought was fun, even if he got the English words wrong on most attempts.
This year he was just at a complete loss though.
He was in love, and he suspected that this had a lot to do with why rather than enjoying this Christmas season, he was instead just completely and totally stressed out.
Normally he had no problems picking out gifts either, no matter who they were for. In fact, he sort of prided himself on his talent for gift-giving perfection, usually. But with Tuti it was different. With Tuti it had to be really perfect. It had to mean something. It definitely wasn’t something he could just buy in a store. It was way too late to order anything online too, and he had exhausted all of those possibilities anyway. And regardless, Nagayan already had what he thought had been great idea.
He’d actually been thinking about and planning Tuti’s gift for a long time, but that didn’t make him feel any better right now, or stop him from wondering if maybe his idea wasn’t so great after all. Nagayan looked down at the largish-sized shoebox in his hands as he slumped down onto the couch, realizing suddenly how plain and un-Christmassy it looked, among other things. He sighed again, wondering if he was really up to the task of going through with this.
He tried thinking back to why this had seemed like such a good idea in the first place though, hoping to bring back a little of his inspiration. He closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself a break from the blinking red and green of the Christmas lights against the walls of his living room.
It had been almost six months since they had confessed to each other, and a year, at least for Nagayan (and he suspected the same was true for Tuti), since he had realized that he had serious feelings for his friend. His feelings hadn’t changed much over the time he’d been with Tuti either. Because with Tuti it was all or nothing; Nagayan had realized this a long time ago. He just couldn’t be with Tuti halfway, like he suspected may have been the case with some of his past relationships.
And this was a good thing, he figured, because he knew without a doubt that Tuti was perfect for him, and that they were good together. Being with Tuti had brought balance and a certain amount of stability to Nagayan’s life that he had never really experienced before, and for this, and for a lot of other things too, he knew he would always be grateful.
The problem was that he really didn’t know how to tell Tuti this. He didn’t know how to tell him how important he was, or how much he needed him, or how happy it made him, just to have Tuti in his life, just to be able to wake up next to him, or to be able to hear his voice on the phone on days when they couldn’t be together. He didn’t know how to say these things without sounding cheesy or wimping out halfway through, or turning it into a joke. He had told Tuti that he loved him, plenty of times, but this was more than that. He hoped that at the very least he had managed to show Tuti, through his actions, how much everything meant to him. But Nagayan really wasn’t sure if he had accomplished this, or if he had properly expressed his true feelings to the other man yet.
And so that was the point of this gift.
For the past year, longer than that even, going back to when they were just friends and fellow cast members, Nagayan had somehow, without even really meaning to, saved just about everything that made him think of Tuti. Ticket stubs, flyers, receipts from times when they had gone out for coffee or for meals, anything and everything from all of their dates - Nagayan had saved it all. He really hadn’t done it on purpose either. It just sort of seemed to happen that way. He hadn’t even realized it at first, until one day it dawned on him that there were so many papers cluttering his apartment that he had to either throw them away, which was out of the question, or he had to find somewhere to put them all.
And that was how he had ended up with the box.
There were also emails that he’d printed out and saved, and pictures, and stupid sappy poems and song lyrics that he’d scribbled down on scraps of paper here and there, and just a whole mess of things that would certainly change Tuti’s opinion of him when he saw them. But Nagayan hoped that it would be a good change. He hoped that by letting Tuti see this side of him - this nostalgic side that was completely in love and wanted to hold on to that love more than anything - well, he just hoped it would make Tuti realize how much he meant to him. That not only would Nagayan show him these things, but that he would be willing to part with them. Because he really didn’t need all these reminders and scraps of paper anymore. Because he had Tuti. That was the idea anyway.
And it had seemed like a great idea at 2AM when Tuti was out of town, and Nagayan had been feeling sad and a little lonely. It had seemed great too after hours of lying naked next to Tuti in his bed and feeling Tuti’s warm breath on his cheek after he’d been exhausted by the great sex they’d been having all night. Nestled in the warmth of Tuti’s shoulder after not being able to say “I love you” enough times to make it really count, it had seemed perfect. It had even seemed perfect after the fight that had left him out of contact with Tuti for almost a week. But now, when he was faced with Tuti stopping by for what felt like an all-too-formal gift exchange, it just seemed sort of silly. Juvenile even. Nagayan sighed.
He should have at least wrapped it, he thought, pouting a little, and eyeing the box on his lap again. But he had been adding things up to the last minute, he told himself, and scrounging through his closet, because he hadn’t wanted to miss anything, and so it made sense that what he’d ended up with was a plain, unwrapped box.
There was one thing that he most definitely had missed though, and Nagayan realized that his disappointment at this was probably fueling a lot of his bad mood right now. Because there was one picture in particular that he had really wanted to find, and he just hadn’t been able to locate it anywhere. Just thinking about having possibly lost it made him angry and a little sad again.
Nagayan knew it was silly, but for some reason this picture was something that really meant a lot to him. Maybe because it had been a gift, or because it sort of symbolized the unofficial start of something in Nagayan’s mind, he really wasn’t sure. It always made him a little nostalgic though, thinking about it, and about how it had made him feel at the time. Because while a lot had changed, part of Nagayan still really identified with the person he had been when he first met Tuti. He liked being reminded sometimes of how it had all started with Tuti too, Nagayan thought with a smile.
Because back during the first of the musicals a few years ago, they all just been friends.
And he wasn't sure why exactly Souta had taken even the photo at first, but he did know that his friend had acquired a bad habit of going around backstage taking pictures of his fellow cast members with his digital camera, trying to catch moments that would improve his data, as he jokingly called it. Nagayan had tried, on many occasions, to attribute this quirk to Souta identifying with his character a little too much, but he’d been forced to give up trying to understand it after a while.
One Christmas though, his friend had made prints of the pictures he’d taken that had struck him most. He had included them with his Christmas cards, and the one that he’d given Nagayan just happened to be of him and Tuti. It was just a moment that Souta had captured backstage, just a smile between friends, but Nagayan remembered that even at the time he’d felt a twinge of something looking at that photo. He’d brushed it off as just the happy feeling of new friendship, but he had spent a lot of time examining the look in Tuti’s eyes as he smiled at him in the photo, and he had wondered, more than once, about just what exactly that look had meant.
Nagayan hadn’t shown the picture to Tuti at first either. In fact, he’d been really embarrassed, and really worried at the time, thinking that maybe Souta had given Tuti the same picture, and he had been relieved when he realized that all Tuti had gotten was a silly shot of all of them during one of Tuti’s days playing tennis instructor to the cast.
It had only been much later that he’d actually let Tuti see it. And when Nagayan looked at it again, after they had gotten together, he had realized, and Tuti had agreed, that they had probably been just a little bit in love, even back then. Tuti had even jokingly referred to that picture as the first real proof of their feelings.
And now it was gone.
Nagayan couldn’t find it anywhere, even though he swore he hadn’t moved it from its spot in front of the mirror on his dresser. He’d asked Tuti about it a few days ago, but he figured that Tuti had probably been right when he told him that there was no way Nagayan could really have been meaning to keep track of anything there, with all the piles of papers, and other various forms of junk that he managed to pile up on his dresser. Tuti said he was sure the picture would turn up somewhere, at some point, and Nagayan had agreed, but it still frustrated him that he hadn’t been able to find it in time to include it with his gift. He had even thought about contacting Souta, in hopes that his friend had another copy somewhere, but he just hadn’t had time.
Nagayan pouted, and looked at his watch.
Tuti was late.
He looked at the brown box on his lap one last time before depositing it in the way-too-festive holiday bag he’d picked up on the way home from the studio today. At least now it looked like a gift, he thought to himself hopefully. In the end, having that picture in there shouldn’t matter, he figured. There were plenty of other things in there that he would have to explain and that should prove his love to Tuti once and for all. Nagayan grimaced though, because this idea somehow sounded stupider and sappier each time he thought about it.
Not to mention the fact that he was going to be kind of sad, parting with all of these things he’d saved. But that was part of the point, he reminded himself. Because this gift was supposed to be symbolic. Nagayan wanted to show Tuti that he trusted him completely. This was something that was really hard for Nagayan to do sometimes, and he knew that it frustrated Tuti, so giving up these reminders of their relationship in an attempt to prove this was important. It would show that he trusted that Tuti would be around for a long time, and that he knew that there would be more memories of them together, and more things for him to save in the future. He just hoped Tuti would recognize what he was trying to do and that in the end it wouldn’t look like he had just been lazy this year. Or cheap.
Nagayan sighed. He was just considering the fact that he’d forgotten to get Tuti a card, on top of everything else, when he heard a soft knock on the door.
Nagayan smiled despite his less-than-festive mood as he made his way down the hallway, because even if he was nervous, he couldn’t help but feel a little happy that Tuti was here, as always.
Nagayan was grateful when Tuti moved inside quickly, closing the door behind them, and shutting out the draft of cold air that had followed him in as he set down his bag. He let his hands rest around Nagayan’s waist for a second before he pulled him close. Nagayan breathed deeply after a second, as he pressed his cheek against the other man’s chest, smiling a little. He felt a little shorter than normal too, since he was barefoot, but it was a familiar feeling, and with Tuti, Nagayan didn’t really mind. He liked the feeling of Tuti’s coat-covered arms wrapping around him too as the other man’s chest expanded against him.
“Sorry I’m late,” Tuti said a little breathlessly.
Nagayan laughed, but the sound was muffled against Tuti’s scarf. He pushed back a little, staring up at Tuti’s face, which was flushed a little from the cold.
“For you, this isn’t late,” Nagayan teased, reaching up for the other man’s hat and swiping it from his head. “I missed you anyway though.”
And Nagayan was surprised when Tuti leaned forward, seizing his lips in a bright, warm kiss that seemed to melt away the cold draft of the entry way, along with everything else uncomfortable that Nagayan had been feeling. Nagayan felt himself moving backwards, his back searching for the wall, as they kissed deeply. He felt a shiver of pleasure at this contact, and almost immediately he felt a little more confident about his gift too, and a little happier about Christmas in general.
He realized suddenly that he was a little excited too, because he really wanted to know what Tuti had gotten him, and after a moment he broke the kiss, laughing at the confused look on Tuti’s face.
“Hurry up and take off your shoes,” Nagayan told him, smiling, and bouncing a little on the back of his heels. “I want my gift.”
Tuti laughed after a second and kicked off his shoes, shrugging out of his coat in the same motion.
“And I want mine.” He grinned at Nagayan. “Let’s do it.”
Nagayan raised an eyebrow at Tuti and chuckled, before they walked back down the hallway and into the living room. Nagayan smiled a little, as he realized what a haphazard job he’d done with hanging Christmas lights around the ceiling of the room. He figured Tuti would like them anyway though. They had been his idea, after all.
“So what do you think?” Nagayan gestured to the lights as he sat down on the couch.
Tuti smiled, and turned his gaze upward. “Quite a transformation from last night. Although…” He squinted a little. “Do they blink like that all the time?”
Nagayan sighed, sticking his tongue out at the other man. “Of course they do.” Then he laughed, glancing at the lights again. “I didn’t realize how annoying it would be either. Do you want me to turn them off?”
“No way,” Tuti grinned, and settled down next to Nagayan on the couch. “I like them. They’re festive.”
Nagayan smiled back and there was a brief silence during which he felt a little of his nervousness from before creeping in as he shifted on the couch. They were sitting close to each other, their legs pressed together with a familiar warmth, and Nagayan tried to concentrate on this point of contact, as he took as deep breath. He was just about to ask Tuti if he wanted to open his first, but Tuti beat him to it.
“So do you want to go first?” the other man asked, smiling.
Nagayan blinked at Tuti’s question. “No,” he said quickly, trying to smile at the look of confusion on Tuti's face. “I just… I want you to have yours first.” He reached for the bag by his feet and handed it to Tuti. “Here. It’s not much, but…”
Tuti studied him for a moment before peering into the bag, and pulling out the box. He eyed Takashi curiously.
“I know what you’re thinking, but…” Nagayan smiled, and tried to relax. “Just look inside, ok?”
“I was just thinking that I’ve seen this box in your closet.”
Nagayan blinked. “Really?”
“Sure I have, lots of times. I’ve seen you putting things in there too. Usually right after we get home.” And Tuti was grinning now.
Nagayan sighed. He really hadn’t thought of this, but he guessed that it made sense. Because while he had never actually shown the box to Tuti, he hadn’t exactly been discreet about it either. He shook his head though. It was too late to worry about that now, he figured.
“Just open it, ok?” He told the other man nervously.
“Hai, hai.”
Tuti’s eyes widened a little as he opened the box, staring down at the contents for a second before his fingers began moving through the papers curiously. He turned to Nagayan, and his eyes were warm and happy. “What is all this?”
Nagayan smiled tentatively. “It’s um… It’s my Tuti box.”
“Your what?”
“My Tuti box.” Takashi laughed nervously. “It’s where I’ve been keeping all of the things that well… That remind me of you. And us.” Nagayan could feel his cheeks getting warm. “But now I don’t need it, because I have you, and so… I wanted you to have it. I know you always throw everything away, and so I thought it might be nice sometimes, if you looked through it, you know? There’s a lot of stuff in there. Starting from when we met. There’s more from this summer, and recently, since we’ve done more things together, but-” Nagayan paused, watching Tuti. “What?”
Tuti shook his head, smiling, but didn’t say anything.
“Look, I know it’s dumb, but…” He watched Tuti nervously. “But we said we weren’t getting expensive gifts, and… I wanted you to know.”
Tuti looked puzzled. “Know what?”
“Just how much it means to me. Everything.” Nagayan could feel the lump gathering in his throat. “Because I don’t think that I say it enough, you know? All of these memories are really important to me though.” He paused. “And I wanted you to know that.”
“Takashi…” Nagayan watched the other man take a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I wanted you to see everything I’d saved.” Nagayan said quietly. “And… And I wanted you to see that I don’t need to save it any more. That I want to share it instead. You know?”
Tuti nodded. He glanced down at the open box, and then back at Takashi. “It’s perfect.”
“Really??” Nagayan let out the breath he’d been holding and smiled because he could tell that Tuti had meant what he had said. Then he laughed, realizing how relieved he was. “I was really worried.”
“I could tell.” Tuti smiled. “You shouldn’t have been though.”
Nagayan smiled back a little sheepishly. “There are some pictures in there too, but you’ll probably have to dig for them.” He frowned. “But I still can’t find the one that Souta took of us. You know, the one I was asking you about before?”
And now Tuti looked suspiciously guilty.
“Well…”
“Well, what?” Nagayan looked at Tuti. “I was just going to say that I would have put it in there, if I had been able to find it. But I couldn’t-” Nagayan sighed at the strange expression on Tuti’s face. “What?”
Tuti grinned. “Nothing, just…” He reached down into his bag and pulled out a thin box, handing it to Nagayan. “It’s your turn.”
Nagayan sighed but forgot about the picture for a second, as he tried to figure out what on earth Tuti could have gotten him. He looked down at the box in his hands, turning it over in his hands several times as he grinned at Tuti. “This better not be another silk robe, because I already told you-”
Tuti was shaking his head. “Just open it,” he said softly.
Nagayan pulled back the wrapping paper slowly. When he saw the edge of a picture frame suddenly something dawned on him. He had a feeling that he knew exactly why a certain photo had disappeared from his dresser so curiously. He finished unwrapping the box though, and stared down at the framed picture in his lap a second later. He blinked several times.
“I knew you were probably getting suspicious, but…” Tuti looked at him guiltily. “I asked Souta if he had another copy, but he didn’t and so I had to steal yours.” He winked. “So what do you think?” Tuti asked him, grinning. “I think we look even more stupidly in love from the larger angle.”
Nagayan nodded. “We totally do.” And it was true. Now that the photo had been enlarged, Nagayan could see the glazed over look in their eyes a lot more clearly. “Mou… Tuti…it’s perfect. It’s…” Nagayan swallowed. “I don’t know. I just… Thank you.”
“I knew how much you liked that picture,” Tuti said softly. “And it used to drive me nuts how it was always falling off your dresser.”
Nagayan smiled. “I know.”
And Nagayan was a little amazed. Just because in general, he was always a little disappointed with gifts. Not that he ever said anything, or that he was ungrateful, but especially when it came to someone he cared a lot about, he always ended up wishing that the gift had been a little better thought out, or something… But this was perfect. In fact, it was more than perfect.
“Tuti…” He said, and it came out as a sort of whisper. He cleared his throat.
“What?”
“Do you mind if I show you a few things from the box later?”
“Sure.” Tuti looked confused. “Or you could show me now?”
Nagayan shook his head. “Later,” he said, and his voice was low and a little rough.
“Oh.” Tuti laughed, a knowing glint in his eyes. “Are we doing something else right now?”
Nagayan nodded, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Now I’m going to thank you for giving me the best present ever.”
“Are you?”
“I am.”
But before Nagayan could move the gift from Tuti’s lap and pounce on the other man like he had been planning, he realized that Tuti was already moving the wrapping paper and box from between them, and was moving closer to him. Before he knew it, Tuti had pinned his arms and his body against the back of the couch and was grinning down at him.
“Not if I thank you first, you’re not.”
“Fine by me-” Nagayan said softly, though he found that his words were curiously cut off by a kiss that rivaled anything he would have been able to deliver right now, were he in the position to do so.
After a second Tuti allowed him a gasping breath though and he heard the other man laugh.
“What?” Nagayan asked breathlessly.
“Nothing, I just…” Tuti grinned. “I meant to at least say Merry Christmas and buy you dinner before we ended up on the couch like this.”
“Baka.” Nagayan laughed, and then lowered his voice. “You think I care about dinner?”
“Well, no…”
And Nagayan was happier than he figured he should have been when Tuti leaned forward and kissed him again. He closed his eyes, feeling his body relax and his insides turn to jelly, as he wondered if it was his imagination or if the blinking of the lights behind his eyes had somehow, in a strange sort of Christmassy magic, managed to synchronize themselves with his heartbeat. Then he realized what a stupid thought that was, because his heart was only beating faster by the second, and he doubted if this pattern would let up anytime soon.
“Merry Christmas, Takashi.” Tuti breathed the words a few seconds later.
“Mmmm…” Nagayan mumbled as his eyes cleared for a moment and he looked up at Tuti. “Merry Christmas,” he told him in English, though he was sure that in his slightly dazed state he had screwed up something in his pronunciation. Or maybe a lot of things.
“What was that?” Tuti asked, grinning down at him, looking somewhat pleased.
Nagayan rolled his eyes, and moved his hips a little, enjoying the slight gasp that escaped from Tuti’s lips at the contact.
“Just shut up and kiss me,” Nagayan told him, purposefully lowering his voice, in an attempt to sound calm and sexy even though Tuti was driving him more than a little crazy right now.
As expected, Tuti obliged, and their lips met again with a surprising amount of passion and intensity.
This had been part of his plan too, Nagayan told himself after a moment, as he allowed the kiss to deepen. Sex on the couch while surrounded by Christmas lights and discarded wrapping paper was definitely something he had been counting on. He thought about mentioning this to Tuti, just in case the other man was getting some kind of satisfaction out of catching him off guard or something, but Nagayan found that after another moment he’d forgotten all about his plan. He'd forgotten all about gifts and lights and Christmas too.
Which was fine, he figured, since he was pretty sure Tuti had forgotten too.
***
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Warnings: None really, worksafe.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Tuti and Nagayan exchange Christmas gifts. Mostly just a bit of sappy Christmas fluff.
Notes: My first Christmassy fic, because I just couldn't resist. I hope you enjoy it. Comments are greatly appreciated. ^_^
Oh! And Happy Holidays to everyone since this will probably be my last post before leaving for home tomorrow. ^____^
Nagayan paced back and forth across the room, pausing here and there to sigh, or to look at the clock, or to stare out the window at the light snow falling onto the railing of the balcony. He was fine doing anything really, as long as it distracted him from what he really wanted to do, which was to get Tuti on the phone, right now, and call this whole stupid gift exchange thing off.
And it was strange, because normally Nagayan loved Christmas. He loved the snow, and the gift giving, and even just the novelty of saying Merry Christmas, which he always thought was fun, even if he got the English words wrong on most attempts.
This year he was just at a complete loss though.
He was in love, and he suspected that this had a lot to do with why rather than enjoying this Christmas season, he was instead just completely and totally stressed out.
Normally he had no problems picking out gifts either, no matter who they were for. In fact, he sort of prided himself on his talent for gift-giving perfection, usually. But with Tuti it was different. With Tuti it had to be really perfect. It had to mean something. It definitely wasn’t something he could just buy in a store. It was way too late to order anything online too, and he had exhausted all of those possibilities anyway. And regardless, Nagayan already had what he thought had been great idea.
He’d actually been thinking about and planning Tuti’s gift for a long time, but that didn’t make him feel any better right now, or stop him from wondering if maybe his idea wasn’t so great after all. Nagayan looked down at the largish-sized shoebox in his hands as he slumped down onto the couch, realizing suddenly how plain and un-Christmassy it looked, among other things. He sighed again, wondering if he was really up to the task of going through with this.
He tried thinking back to why this had seemed like such a good idea in the first place though, hoping to bring back a little of his inspiration. He closed his eyes for a moment, allowing himself a break from the blinking red and green of the Christmas lights against the walls of his living room.
It had been almost six months since they had confessed to each other, and a year, at least for Nagayan (and he suspected the same was true for Tuti), since he had realized that he had serious feelings for his friend. His feelings hadn’t changed much over the time he’d been with Tuti either. Because with Tuti it was all or nothing; Nagayan had realized this a long time ago. He just couldn’t be with Tuti halfway, like he suspected may have been the case with some of his past relationships.
And this was a good thing, he figured, because he knew without a doubt that Tuti was perfect for him, and that they were good together. Being with Tuti had brought balance and a certain amount of stability to Nagayan’s life that he had never really experienced before, and for this, and for a lot of other things too, he knew he would always be grateful.
The problem was that he really didn’t know how to tell Tuti this. He didn’t know how to tell him how important he was, or how much he needed him, or how happy it made him, just to have Tuti in his life, just to be able to wake up next to him, or to be able to hear his voice on the phone on days when they couldn’t be together. He didn’t know how to say these things without sounding cheesy or wimping out halfway through, or turning it into a joke. He had told Tuti that he loved him, plenty of times, but this was more than that. He hoped that at the very least he had managed to show Tuti, through his actions, how much everything meant to him. But Nagayan really wasn’t sure if he had accomplished this, or if he had properly expressed his true feelings to the other man yet.
And so that was the point of this gift.
For the past year, longer than that even, going back to when they were just friends and fellow cast members, Nagayan had somehow, without even really meaning to, saved just about everything that made him think of Tuti. Ticket stubs, flyers, receipts from times when they had gone out for coffee or for meals, anything and everything from all of their dates - Nagayan had saved it all. He really hadn’t done it on purpose either. It just sort of seemed to happen that way. He hadn’t even realized it at first, until one day it dawned on him that there were so many papers cluttering his apartment that he had to either throw them away, which was out of the question, or he had to find somewhere to put them all.
And that was how he had ended up with the box.
There were also emails that he’d printed out and saved, and pictures, and stupid sappy poems and song lyrics that he’d scribbled down on scraps of paper here and there, and just a whole mess of things that would certainly change Tuti’s opinion of him when he saw them. But Nagayan hoped that it would be a good change. He hoped that by letting Tuti see this side of him - this nostalgic side that was completely in love and wanted to hold on to that love more than anything - well, he just hoped it would make Tuti realize how much he meant to him. That not only would Nagayan show him these things, but that he would be willing to part with them. Because he really didn’t need all these reminders and scraps of paper anymore. Because he had Tuti. That was the idea anyway.
And it had seemed like a great idea at 2AM when Tuti was out of town, and Nagayan had been feeling sad and a little lonely. It had seemed great too after hours of lying naked next to Tuti in his bed and feeling Tuti’s warm breath on his cheek after he’d been exhausted by the great sex they’d been having all night. Nestled in the warmth of Tuti’s shoulder after not being able to say “I love you” enough times to make it really count, it had seemed perfect. It had even seemed perfect after the fight that had left him out of contact with Tuti for almost a week. But now, when he was faced with Tuti stopping by for what felt like an all-too-formal gift exchange, it just seemed sort of silly. Juvenile even. Nagayan sighed.
He should have at least wrapped it, he thought, pouting a little, and eyeing the box on his lap again. But he had been adding things up to the last minute, he told himself, and scrounging through his closet, because he hadn’t wanted to miss anything, and so it made sense that what he’d ended up with was a plain, unwrapped box.
There was one thing that he most definitely had missed though, and Nagayan realized that his disappointment at this was probably fueling a lot of his bad mood right now. Because there was one picture in particular that he had really wanted to find, and he just hadn’t been able to locate it anywhere. Just thinking about having possibly lost it made him angry and a little sad again.
Nagayan knew it was silly, but for some reason this picture was something that really meant a lot to him. Maybe because it had been a gift, or because it sort of symbolized the unofficial start of something in Nagayan’s mind, he really wasn’t sure. It always made him a little nostalgic though, thinking about it, and about how it had made him feel at the time. Because while a lot had changed, part of Nagayan still really identified with the person he had been when he first met Tuti. He liked being reminded sometimes of how it had all started with Tuti too, Nagayan thought with a smile.
Because back during the first of the musicals a few years ago, they all just been friends.
And he wasn't sure why exactly Souta had taken even the photo at first, but he did know that his friend had acquired a bad habit of going around backstage taking pictures of his fellow cast members with his digital camera, trying to catch moments that would improve his data, as he jokingly called it. Nagayan had tried, on many occasions, to attribute this quirk to Souta identifying with his character a little too much, but he’d been forced to give up trying to understand it after a while.
One Christmas though, his friend had made prints of the pictures he’d taken that had struck him most. He had included them with his Christmas cards, and the one that he’d given Nagayan just happened to be of him and Tuti. It was just a moment that Souta had captured backstage, just a smile between friends, but Nagayan remembered that even at the time he’d felt a twinge of something looking at that photo. He’d brushed it off as just the happy feeling of new friendship, but he had spent a lot of time examining the look in Tuti’s eyes as he smiled at him in the photo, and he had wondered, more than once, about just what exactly that look had meant.
Nagayan hadn’t shown the picture to Tuti at first either. In fact, he’d been really embarrassed, and really worried at the time, thinking that maybe Souta had given Tuti the same picture, and he had been relieved when he realized that all Tuti had gotten was a silly shot of all of them during one of Tuti’s days playing tennis instructor to the cast.
It had only been much later that he’d actually let Tuti see it. And when Nagayan looked at it again, after they had gotten together, he had realized, and Tuti had agreed, that they had probably been just a little bit in love, even back then. Tuti had even jokingly referred to that picture as the first real proof of their feelings.
And now it was gone.
Nagayan couldn’t find it anywhere, even though he swore he hadn’t moved it from its spot in front of the mirror on his dresser. He’d asked Tuti about it a few days ago, but he figured that Tuti had probably been right when he told him that there was no way Nagayan could really have been meaning to keep track of anything there, with all the piles of papers, and other various forms of junk that he managed to pile up on his dresser. Tuti said he was sure the picture would turn up somewhere, at some point, and Nagayan had agreed, but it still frustrated him that he hadn’t been able to find it in time to include it with his gift. He had even thought about contacting Souta, in hopes that his friend had another copy somewhere, but he just hadn’t had time.
Nagayan pouted, and looked at his watch.
Tuti was late.
He looked at the brown box on his lap one last time before depositing it in the way-too-festive holiday bag he’d picked up on the way home from the studio today. At least now it looked like a gift, he thought to himself hopefully. In the end, having that picture in there shouldn’t matter, he figured. There were plenty of other things in there that he would have to explain and that should prove his love to Tuti once and for all. Nagayan grimaced though, because this idea somehow sounded stupider and sappier each time he thought about it.
Not to mention the fact that he was going to be kind of sad, parting with all of these things he’d saved. But that was part of the point, he reminded himself. Because this gift was supposed to be symbolic. Nagayan wanted to show Tuti that he trusted him completely. This was something that was really hard for Nagayan to do sometimes, and he knew that it frustrated Tuti, so giving up these reminders of their relationship in an attempt to prove this was important. It would show that he trusted that Tuti would be around for a long time, and that he knew that there would be more memories of them together, and more things for him to save in the future. He just hoped Tuti would recognize what he was trying to do and that in the end it wouldn’t look like he had just been lazy this year. Or cheap.
Nagayan sighed. He was just considering the fact that he’d forgotten to get Tuti a card, on top of everything else, when he heard a soft knock on the door.
Nagayan smiled despite his less-than-festive mood as he made his way down the hallway, because even if he was nervous, he couldn’t help but feel a little happy that Tuti was here, as always.
Nagayan was grateful when Tuti moved inside quickly, closing the door behind them, and shutting out the draft of cold air that had followed him in as he set down his bag. He let his hands rest around Nagayan’s waist for a second before he pulled him close. Nagayan breathed deeply after a second, as he pressed his cheek against the other man’s chest, smiling a little. He felt a little shorter than normal too, since he was barefoot, but it was a familiar feeling, and with Tuti, Nagayan didn’t really mind. He liked the feeling of Tuti’s coat-covered arms wrapping around him too as the other man’s chest expanded against him.
“Sorry I’m late,” Tuti said a little breathlessly.
Nagayan laughed, but the sound was muffled against Tuti’s scarf. He pushed back a little, staring up at Tuti’s face, which was flushed a little from the cold.
“For you, this isn’t late,” Nagayan teased, reaching up for the other man’s hat and swiping it from his head. “I missed you anyway though.”
And Nagayan was surprised when Tuti leaned forward, seizing his lips in a bright, warm kiss that seemed to melt away the cold draft of the entry way, along with everything else uncomfortable that Nagayan had been feeling. Nagayan felt himself moving backwards, his back searching for the wall, as they kissed deeply. He felt a shiver of pleasure at this contact, and almost immediately he felt a little more confident about his gift too, and a little happier about Christmas in general.
He realized suddenly that he was a little excited too, because he really wanted to know what Tuti had gotten him, and after a moment he broke the kiss, laughing at the confused look on Tuti’s face.
“Hurry up and take off your shoes,” Nagayan told him, smiling, and bouncing a little on the back of his heels. “I want my gift.”
Tuti laughed after a second and kicked off his shoes, shrugging out of his coat in the same motion.
“And I want mine.” He grinned at Nagayan. “Let’s do it.”
Nagayan raised an eyebrow at Tuti and chuckled, before they walked back down the hallway and into the living room. Nagayan smiled a little, as he realized what a haphazard job he’d done with hanging Christmas lights around the ceiling of the room. He figured Tuti would like them anyway though. They had been his idea, after all.
“So what do you think?” Nagayan gestured to the lights as he sat down on the couch.
Tuti smiled, and turned his gaze upward. “Quite a transformation from last night. Although…” He squinted a little. “Do they blink like that all the time?”
Nagayan sighed, sticking his tongue out at the other man. “Of course they do.” Then he laughed, glancing at the lights again. “I didn’t realize how annoying it would be either. Do you want me to turn them off?”
“No way,” Tuti grinned, and settled down next to Nagayan on the couch. “I like them. They’re festive.”
Nagayan smiled back and there was a brief silence during which he felt a little of his nervousness from before creeping in as he shifted on the couch. They were sitting close to each other, their legs pressed together with a familiar warmth, and Nagayan tried to concentrate on this point of contact, as he took as deep breath. He was just about to ask Tuti if he wanted to open his first, but Tuti beat him to it.
“So do you want to go first?” the other man asked, smiling.
Nagayan blinked at Tuti’s question. “No,” he said quickly, trying to smile at the look of confusion on Tuti's face. “I just… I want you to have yours first.” He reached for the bag by his feet and handed it to Tuti. “Here. It’s not much, but…”
Tuti studied him for a moment before peering into the bag, and pulling out the box. He eyed Takashi curiously.
“I know what you’re thinking, but…” Nagayan smiled, and tried to relax. “Just look inside, ok?”
“I was just thinking that I’ve seen this box in your closet.”
Nagayan blinked. “Really?”
“Sure I have, lots of times. I’ve seen you putting things in there too. Usually right after we get home.” And Tuti was grinning now.
Nagayan sighed. He really hadn’t thought of this, but he guessed that it made sense. Because while he had never actually shown the box to Tuti, he hadn’t exactly been discreet about it either. He shook his head though. It was too late to worry about that now, he figured.
“Just open it, ok?” He told the other man nervously.
“Hai, hai.”
Tuti’s eyes widened a little as he opened the box, staring down at the contents for a second before his fingers began moving through the papers curiously. He turned to Nagayan, and his eyes were warm and happy. “What is all this?”
Nagayan smiled tentatively. “It’s um… It’s my Tuti box.”
“Your what?”
“My Tuti box.” Takashi laughed nervously. “It’s where I’ve been keeping all of the things that well… That remind me of you. And us.” Nagayan could feel his cheeks getting warm. “But now I don’t need it, because I have you, and so… I wanted you to have it. I know you always throw everything away, and so I thought it might be nice sometimes, if you looked through it, you know? There’s a lot of stuff in there. Starting from when we met. There’s more from this summer, and recently, since we’ve done more things together, but-” Nagayan paused, watching Tuti. “What?”
Tuti shook his head, smiling, but didn’t say anything.
“Look, I know it’s dumb, but…” He watched Tuti nervously. “But we said we weren’t getting expensive gifts, and… I wanted you to know.”
Tuti looked puzzled. “Know what?”
“Just how much it means to me. Everything.” Nagayan could feel the lump gathering in his throat. “Because I don’t think that I say it enough, you know? All of these memories are really important to me though.” He paused. “And I wanted you to know that.”
“Takashi…” Nagayan watched the other man take a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I wanted you to see everything I’d saved.” Nagayan said quietly. “And… And I wanted you to see that I don’t need to save it any more. That I want to share it instead. You know?”
Tuti nodded. He glanced down at the open box, and then back at Takashi. “It’s perfect.”
“Really??” Nagayan let out the breath he’d been holding and smiled because he could tell that Tuti had meant what he had said. Then he laughed, realizing how relieved he was. “I was really worried.”
“I could tell.” Tuti smiled. “You shouldn’t have been though.”
Nagayan smiled back a little sheepishly. “There are some pictures in there too, but you’ll probably have to dig for them.” He frowned. “But I still can’t find the one that Souta took of us. You know, the one I was asking you about before?”
And now Tuti looked suspiciously guilty.
“Well…”
“Well, what?” Nagayan looked at Tuti. “I was just going to say that I would have put it in there, if I had been able to find it. But I couldn’t-” Nagayan sighed at the strange expression on Tuti’s face. “What?”
Tuti grinned. “Nothing, just…” He reached down into his bag and pulled out a thin box, handing it to Nagayan. “It’s your turn.”
Nagayan sighed but forgot about the picture for a second, as he tried to figure out what on earth Tuti could have gotten him. He looked down at the box in his hands, turning it over in his hands several times as he grinned at Tuti. “This better not be another silk robe, because I already told you-”
Tuti was shaking his head. “Just open it,” he said softly.
Nagayan pulled back the wrapping paper slowly. When he saw the edge of a picture frame suddenly something dawned on him. He had a feeling that he knew exactly why a certain photo had disappeared from his dresser so curiously. He finished unwrapping the box though, and stared down at the framed picture in his lap a second later. He blinked several times.
“I knew you were probably getting suspicious, but…” Tuti looked at him guiltily. “I asked Souta if he had another copy, but he didn’t and so I had to steal yours.” He winked. “So what do you think?” Tuti asked him, grinning. “I think we look even more stupidly in love from the larger angle.”
Nagayan nodded. “We totally do.” And it was true. Now that the photo had been enlarged, Nagayan could see the glazed over look in their eyes a lot more clearly. “Mou… Tuti…it’s perfect. It’s…” Nagayan swallowed. “I don’t know. I just… Thank you.”
“I knew how much you liked that picture,” Tuti said softly. “And it used to drive me nuts how it was always falling off your dresser.”
Nagayan smiled. “I know.”
And Nagayan was a little amazed. Just because in general, he was always a little disappointed with gifts. Not that he ever said anything, or that he was ungrateful, but especially when it came to someone he cared a lot about, he always ended up wishing that the gift had been a little better thought out, or something… But this was perfect. In fact, it was more than perfect.
“Tuti…” He said, and it came out as a sort of whisper. He cleared his throat.
“What?”
“Do you mind if I show you a few things from the box later?”
“Sure.” Tuti looked confused. “Or you could show me now?”
Nagayan shook his head. “Later,” he said, and his voice was low and a little rough.
“Oh.” Tuti laughed, a knowing glint in his eyes. “Are we doing something else right now?”
Nagayan nodded, his eyes flashing dangerously. “Now I’m going to thank you for giving me the best present ever.”
“Are you?”
“I am.”
But before Nagayan could move the gift from Tuti’s lap and pounce on the other man like he had been planning, he realized that Tuti was already moving the wrapping paper and box from between them, and was moving closer to him. Before he knew it, Tuti had pinned his arms and his body against the back of the couch and was grinning down at him.
“Not if I thank you first, you’re not.”
“Fine by me-” Nagayan said softly, though he found that his words were curiously cut off by a kiss that rivaled anything he would have been able to deliver right now, were he in the position to do so.
After a second Tuti allowed him a gasping breath though and he heard the other man laugh.
“What?” Nagayan asked breathlessly.
“Nothing, I just…” Tuti grinned. “I meant to at least say Merry Christmas and buy you dinner before we ended up on the couch like this.”
“Baka.” Nagayan laughed, and then lowered his voice. “You think I care about dinner?”
“Well, no…”
And Nagayan was happier than he figured he should have been when Tuti leaned forward and kissed him again. He closed his eyes, feeling his body relax and his insides turn to jelly, as he wondered if it was his imagination or if the blinking of the lights behind his eyes had somehow, in a strange sort of Christmassy magic, managed to synchronize themselves with his heartbeat. Then he realized what a stupid thought that was, because his heart was only beating faster by the second, and he doubted if this pattern would let up anytime soon.
“Merry Christmas, Takashi.” Tuti breathed the words a few seconds later.
“Mmmm…” Nagayan mumbled as his eyes cleared for a moment and he looked up at Tuti. “Merry Christmas,” he told him in English, though he was sure that in his slightly dazed state he had screwed up something in his pronunciation. Or maybe a lot of things.
“What was that?” Tuti asked, grinning down at him, looking somewhat pleased.
Nagayan rolled his eyes, and moved his hips a little, enjoying the slight gasp that escaped from Tuti’s lips at the contact.
“Just shut up and kiss me,” Nagayan told him, purposefully lowering his voice, in an attempt to sound calm and sexy even though Tuti was driving him more than a little crazy right now.
As expected, Tuti obliged, and their lips met again with a surprising amount of passion and intensity.
This had been part of his plan too, Nagayan told himself after a moment, as he allowed the kiss to deepen. Sex on the couch while surrounded by Christmas lights and discarded wrapping paper was definitely something he had been counting on. He thought about mentioning this to Tuti, just in case the other man was getting some kind of satisfaction out of catching him off guard or something, but Nagayan found that after another moment he’d forgotten all about his plan. He'd forgotten all about gifts and lights and Christmas too.
Which was fine, he figured, since he was pretty sure Tuti had forgotten too.
***