[Fic] Cold - Part Two
Title: Cold
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan, KimeruxNagayan friendship.
Chapter: Part 2/2
Warnings: angst, sap, worksafe
Rating: PG
Notes: I really didn't mean to write this. But then I couldn't help it. ^_~ Comments are much appreciated. ^_^
(For nekonezumi, because I think I wrote this because I couldn't get her comment out of my mind. XD;;)
( Part One )
I look down and Yuuichi is there, but I almost don’t recognize him.
He’s so still, and so quiet, and he looks almost small, which is maybe the strangest thing - me towering over him for the first time like this. The plastic tubes don’t make be feel any better either and… I glance down for a second again, but find that it hurts, a lot, to look at him any longer, and so I focus my eyes on the wall instead. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do, so I just stand there for a few seconds, staring off at nothing. His eyes are closed, and I don’t want to wake him up, even though I’m sure the doctors said it was ok, and that I would be able to talk to him now.
There’s a chair next to the bed, but that seems too far away, and even though my knees are weak, I just can’t move. I place my hand on the bed to steady myself, and I’m surprised when Yuuichi moves a little, and my heart almost stops when I feel his fingers touch my hand.
He whispers my name and all I can manage is a small sound of acknowledgement, until he says it again, and I realize, horrified, that it’s a question.
“I’m here,” I tell him. And then I repeat this a few times, because I can’t help it. It feels so good to be able to say this, and I’ve been waiting for so long, it seems. I tell him this too, and some other incoherent things until I realize that I’m babbling, and that Yuuichi is silent.
I force myself to look down at him, and realize that on second thought, he really doesn’t look so bad. It’s still Yuuichi. His skin is still warm, and his chest is rising as he breathes. I tighten my grip on his hand, and his eyes slide open, slowly.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, and his eyes look sad, and tired and a little lost, and it feels almost as if my heart is breaking, but I’m not sure why.
“Me too.”
I look down at him and his eyes look half-surprised now. This makes my chest clench even more, thinking that all this time he might not have known this. “I wanted to tell you before, but they wouldn’t let me, and… Yuuichi…” And I feel his fingers quiver a little as I say that word. I don’t need any encouragement, but…It’s nice to feel his hand there anyway, squeezing mine a little.
“I love you,” I tell him, and really, it’s the first time I’ve said this and truly meant it. “I know I said I wasn’t sure before, but… I am now. I love you, and I… I can’t stop. I don’t want to. I need you. And if… if anything…”
And suddenly my head is spinning, because I realize where I am, and where Yuuichi is, and how real this possibility was… is… Of Yuuichi being gone… Really gone. Gone and not ever, ever coming back, not ever being next to me again. And I start to feel cold again, and I know that I shouldn’t be doing this right now, but… I feel the tears on my face again anyway.
Yuuichi’s never seen me cry before, I realize suddenly, and this explains the look on his face. I’m so angry at myself for being like this too, when the only thing I should be thinking about is him. Because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I should be worried about Yuuichi, and nothing else. And I am worried, but… I’m also really, really unable to control my emotions, I realize. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to be alone with him, and I know that this something that I have to do on my own, but… I find myself wishing that Kime were here.
“I’m sorry…” I say out loud, as much to myself as to Yuuichi. I repeat this a few times too, as I wipe at my eyes, and try to breathe. Then I hear my name, a quiet, rough sound, and I blink several times, realizing that Yuuichi is motioning for me to sit down. There doesn’t seem to be enough room, and I’m afraid to touch him, or to move the bed, but…I sit down anyway, as softly as I can. I have to let go of his hand and I’m surprised when he moves it on top of my knee, gently.
He squeezes my leg a little and smiles at me, and even though I feel incredibly stupid, because I’m sure my eyes are swollen and red, I smile down at him anyway. We stay that way for what feels like a really long time, just smiling at each other, before suddenly he opens his mouth, and thanks me.
“For what?” I ask, because I’m a little confused.
“Smiling,” he says, which makes me laugh for a moment.
I’m starting to feel a little more like myself too, the longer I smile, despite my fatigue, and despite where I am, and how sad I am, and how worried I am. It doesn’t last though. Because I’m scared. I try to hold onto this smile for just a little longer, but it’s fading, I can feel it.
Because I can’t help it, I move my hand and trace a finger down Yuuichi’s face, and watch as he closes his eyes. I gently bypass the plastic that cuts across his face, and rest my hand on his forehead for a moment, touching his hair, and moving my finger across his cheek. Then I move my finger to the line of his chin, and move along it, before I touch his neck. I feel him swallow, and then my finger creeps down a little, along his collarbone, and then… Then I stop, because my heart is pounding, and I can tell that my cheeks are getting warm.
He blinks up at me slowly though, and his eyes are dark, and I can tell what he’s thinking, and even though he mouths the words, my lips are on his before he can ask me. His lips are dry but warm, and I feel the familiar warmth inside his mouth too, as his lips part a little, and I dip my tongue inside, tasting him. He moves his tongue slowly inside my mouth too, deliberately, and it’s really amazing, I realize, to feel this kind of gentleness after so long. I stop after a moment though, because I’m worried that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now.
When I look down again, I start to panic a little, because I can’t read the expression on his face, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I’m terrified that something has happened, because I can see the tears in his eyes, and I’m worried that I’ve hurt him somehow. I start to move to get up, to find someone to help me, but then I realize that his grip has tightened on my knee.
“What’s wrong?” I choke out the words. “Do you want me to-”
“No.” He says and closes his eyes slowly for a moment before opening them again. “I love you,” he whispers, his lips curling up into a smile.
I nod because at first I can’t find my voice. “I love you too,” I tell him, realizing how incredibly happy I am that he’s given me another reason to say this today. And it’s strange, that this feels so natural, I realize. It almost feels as if no time at all has passed since we last exchanged these words.
And then there’s a swift knock, and a second later the door swings open, and there’s someone there, telling me that I have to leave, and immediately my chest clenches because even though I know they told me I would only have a few minutes, some stupid, irrational part of my brain thought for a second that I would be able to stay here forever, that I wouldn’t leave this room until Yuuichi was able to leave it with me.
But that’s impossible, I tell myself, willing myself to smile down at Yuuichi, and to blink away the tears in my eyes. He squeezes my knee again before I stand up. I glance down at him, and he’s staring at me, and I try to tell him with my eyes that I love him again, that I’ll be back tomorrow, that I’ll be back in five minutes if they’ll let me, but… I know that I can’t stand here forever, that I need to go, and so I smile again.
“I’ll be back as soon as they’ll let me,” I tell him, locking my eyes to his quickly for a second before I turn around.
Back in the waiting room, Kime is there, as promised, holding my coat out to me as he stands. I want to thank him, for waiting, but he ushers me out of the room before I have a chance to open my mouth.
Out in the cold air again, he leads me to a bench - a different bench this time - and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“How did it go?” he asks, studying my face, and looking concerned.
“Ok. I mean… Good. He seemed ok. He was himself, you know?” I pause for a second, glancing at Kime nervously. “He looked tired though,” I finish.
Kime nods, though I wonder if I’m making any sense. I’m suddenly a little jittery, and find myself wishing for a cigarette, even though I don’t smoke. Maybe just because I remember Yuuichi seeming like this sometimes, before performances, and it seemed to help. I don’t know.
“I talked to the doctors,” Kime says quietly after few minutes.
I don’t say anything, mostly because I’m scared. I know I wasn’t listening before, to anything anyone told me about the accident, or Yuuichi’s condition.
“Did they tell you anything before you went in to see him?” he asks me.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly, and I can feel myself begin to shake a little.
“Takashi, it’s good news, ok?” And I feel him move a little closer to me, and he moves his hand up and down my back as he talks. “Now that he’s awake, there’s a really good chance that he’ll make it out of this with a full recovery. Everything internally is fine. He was at the highest risk before he woke up, and that’s over now. He’ll need time to recover, but he’ll be ok.”
I take all of this in as best I can, and there are a million questions that I have, of course, but somehow I don’t have the energy to ask them right now.
“So did you tell him?” Kime asks me after a second, and after he gives my arm a slight squeeze.
The look in his eyes tells me that he already knows the answer to this, but I nod anyway, and smile a little.
He smiles back at me. “So does this mean the ‘break’ is over?” He asks, winking at me, and I laugh.
“I think so,” I tell him, smiling.
“Well, it’s about time,” Kime says and shakes his head at me. “You guys are so in love it’s not even funny. Why on earth you would ever think you could handle being on a break?” And I somehow sense that he’s wanted to tell me this for a while maybe.
“Leave me alone,” I protest, though I know that Kime’s just being himself, and I don’t really mind. And he’s right anyway; it was a stupid idea for either of us to agree to in the first place. And then suddenly I feel myself getting sad again, because I know it was all my fault to begin with. Tuti being gone. Us being gone. Everything. I feel my shoulders slumping a little, but Kime is pulling me close before I have a chance to think anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, though there’s no need for him to apologize.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, realizing suddenly that this is true, and knowing that Kime will understand what I mean. “I just want him to be ok.”
Kimeru nods, and pulls away after a moment, holding my shoulders firmly. “He will be,” he tells me, and I believe him, much more so than I did the last time he told me this.
“Come on,” he says after a minute, grabbing my arm, and I get up automatically, following him. Until I realize that we’re not going back to the hospital. I start to protest, but he shakes his head.
“We’re going home,” he says, and his tone of voice leaves no room for argument, though I know I will argue anyway, because just the thought of leaving Yuuichi there, and being so far away from him scares me, and makes me feel like even being out here, is too much distance, let alone if I go all the way home.
“No, no, I want to stay,” I tell him, a little frantically. “You can go, I’ll be ok, but-”
“Takashi, we are staying. But first you’re going to relax and take a bath. And you have to sleep a little.” He looks at me. “It’s been two days. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I know, but…”
“We’ll come back tomorrow morning. Sooner, if you really want to, ok? But at least for a little while, we’re leaving.”
And then I realize that the car is already here, and I feel my vision clouding over because I’m so tired, and I really, really want to stay, but at the same time, Kime’s prospect of a bath, and a bed seems amazingly perfect to me right now.
“You’ll come back with me later?” I ask, pouting a little.
My friend sighs at me, and lowers his eyes. “Yes. Now get in the car.”
And I do. And my eyes close immediately, the second Kime pulls my head against his chest.
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan, KimeruxNagayan friendship.
Chapter: Part 2/2
Warnings: angst, sap, worksafe
Rating: PG
Notes: I really didn't mean to write this. But then I couldn't help it. ^_~ Comments are much appreciated. ^_^
(For nekonezumi, because I think I wrote this because I couldn't get her comment out of my mind. XD;;)
( Part One )
I look down and Yuuichi is there, but I almost don’t recognize him.
He’s so still, and so quiet, and he looks almost small, which is maybe the strangest thing - me towering over him for the first time like this. The plastic tubes don’t make be feel any better either and… I glance down for a second again, but find that it hurts, a lot, to look at him any longer, and so I focus my eyes on the wall instead. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do, so I just stand there for a few seconds, staring off at nothing. His eyes are closed, and I don’t want to wake him up, even though I’m sure the doctors said it was ok, and that I would be able to talk to him now.
There’s a chair next to the bed, but that seems too far away, and even though my knees are weak, I just can’t move. I place my hand on the bed to steady myself, and I’m surprised when Yuuichi moves a little, and my heart almost stops when I feel his fingers touch my hand.
He whispers my name and all I can manage is a small sound of acknowledgement, until he says it again, and I realize, horrified, that it’s a question.
“I’m here,” I tell him. And then I repeat this a few times, because I can’t help it. It feels so good to be able to say this, and I’ve been waiting for so long, it seems. I tell him this too, and some other incoherent things until I realize that I’m babbling, and that Yuuichi is silent.
I force myself to look down at him, and realize that on second thought, he really doesn’t look so bad. It’s still Yuuichi. His skin is still warm, and his chest is rising as he breathes. I tighten my grip on his hand, and his eyes slide open, slowly.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers, and his eyes look sad, and tired and a little lost, and it feels almost as if my heart is breaking, but I’m not sure why.
“Me too.”
I look down at him and his eyes look half-surprised now. This makes my chest clench even more, thinking that all this time he might not have known this. “I wanted to tell you before, but they wouldn’t let me, and… Yuuichi…” And I feel his fingers quiver a little as I say that word. I don’t need any encouragement, but…It’s nice to feel his hand there anyway, squeezing mine a little.
“I love you,” I tell him, and really, it’s the first time I’ve said this and truly meant it. “I know I said I wasn’t sure before, but… I am now. I love you, and I… I can’t stop. I don’t want to. I need you. And if… if anything…”
And suddenly my head is spinning, because I realize where I am, and where Yuuichi is, and how real this possibility was… is… Of Yuuichi being gone… Really gone. Gone and not ever, ever coming back, not ever being next to me again. And I start to feel cold again, and I know that I shouldn’t be doing this right now, but… I feel the tears on my face again anyway.
Yuuichi’s never seen me cry before, I realize suddenly, and this explains the look on his face. I’m so angry at myself for being like this too, when the only thing I should be thinking about is him. Because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I should be worried about Yuuichi, and nothing else. And I am worried, but… I’m also really, really unable to control my emotions, I realize. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to be alone with him, and I know that this something that I have to do on my own, but… I find myself wishing that Kime were here.
“I’m sorry…” I say out loud, as much to myself as to Yuuichi. I repeat this a few times too, as I wipe at my eyes, and try to breathe. Then I hear my name, a quiet, rough sound, and I blink several times, realizing that Yuuichi is motioning for me to sit down. There doesn’t seem to be enough room, and I’m afraid to touch him, or to move the bed, but…I sit down anyway, as softly as I can. I have to let go of his hand and I’m surprised when he moves it on top of my knee, gently.
He squeezes my leg a little and smiles at me, and even though I feel incredibly stupid, because I’m sure my eyes are swollen and red, I smile down at him anyway. We stay that way for what feels like a really long time, just smiling at each other, before suddenly he opens his mouth, and thanks me.
“For what?” I ask, because I’m a little confused.
“Smiling,” he says, which makes me laugh for a moment.
I’m starting to feel a little more like myself too, the longer I smile, despite my fatigue, and despite where I am, and how sad I am, and how worried I am. It doesn’t last though. Because I’m scared. I try to hold onto this smile for just a little longer, but it’s fading, I can feel it.
Because I can’t help it, I move my hand and trace a finger down Yuuichi’s face, and watch as he closes his eyes. I gently bypass the plastic that cuts across his face, and rest my hand on his forehead for a moment, touching his hair, and moving my finger across his cheek. Then I move my finger to the line of his chin, and move along it, before I touch his neck. I feel him swallow, and then my finger creeps down a little, along his collarbone, and then… Then I stop, because my heart is pounding, and I can tell that my cheeks are getting warm.
He blinks up at me slowly though, and his eyes are dark, and I can tell what he’s thinking, and even though he mouths the words, my lips are on his before he can ask me. His lips are dry but warm, and I feel the familiar warmth inside his mouth too, as his lips part a little, and I dip my tongue inside, tasting him. He moves his tongue slowly inside my mouth too, deliberately, and it’s really amazing, I realize, to feel this kind of gentleness after so long. I stop after a moment though, because I’m worried that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this right now.
When I look down again, I start to panic a little, because I can’t read the expression on his face, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I’m terrified that something has happened, because I can see the tears in his eyes, and I’m worried that I’ve hurt him somehow. I start to move to get up, to find someone to help me, but then I realize that his grip has tightened on my knee.
“What’s wrong?” I choke out the words. “Do you want me to-”
“No.” He says and closes his eyes slowly for a moment before opening them again. “I love you,” he whispers, his lips curling up into a smile.
I nod because at first I can’t find my voice. “I love you too,” I tell him, realizing how incredibly happy I am that he’s given me another reason to say this today. And it’s strange, that this feels so natural, I realize. It almost feels as if no time at all has passed since we last exchanged these words.
And then there’s a swift knock, and a second later the door swings open, and there’s someone there, telling me that I have to leave, and immediately my chest clenches because even though I know they told me I would only have a few minutes, some stupid, irrational part of my brain thought for a second that I would be able to stay here forever, that I wouldn’t leave this room until Yuuichi was able to leave it with me.
But that’s impossible, I tell myself, willing myself to smile down at Yuuichi, and to blink away the tears in my eyes. He squeezes my knee again before I stand up. I glance down at him, and he’s staring at me, and I try to tell him with my eyes that I love him again, that I’ll be back tomorrow, that I’ll be back in five minutes if they’ll let me, but… I know that I can’t stand here forever, that I need to go, and so I smile again.
“I’ll be back as soon as they’ll let me,” I tell him, locking my eyes to his quickly for a second before I turn around.
Back in the waiting room, Kime is there, as promised, holding my coat out to me as he stands. I want to thank him, for waiting, but he ushers me out of the room before I have a chance to open my mouth.
Out in the cold air again, he leads me to a bench - a different bench this time - and wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“How did it go?” he asks, studying my face, and looking concerned.
“Ok. I mean… Good. He seemed ok. He was himself, you know?” I pause for a second, glancing at Kime nervously. “He looked tired though,” I finish.
Kime nods, though I wonder if I’m making any sense. I’m suddenly a little jittery, and find myself wishing for a cigarette, even though I don’t smoke. Maybe just because I remember Yuuichi seeming like this sometimes, before performances, and it seemed to help. I don’t know.
“I talked to the doctors,” Kime says quietly after few minutes.
I don’t say anything, mostly because I’m scared. I know I wasn’t listening before, to anything anyone told me about the accident, or Yuuichi’s condition.
“Did they tell you anything before you went in to see him?” he asks me.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly, and I can feel myself begin to shake a little.
“Takashi, it’s good news, ok?” And I feel him move a little closer to me, and he moves his hand up and down my back as he talks. “Now that he’s awake, there’s a really good chance that he’ll make it out of this with a full recovery. Everything internally is fine. He was at the highest risk before he woke up, and that’s over now. He’ll need time to recover, but he’ll be ok.”
I take all of this in as best I can, and there are a million questions that I have, of course, but somehow I don’t have the energy to ask them right now.
“So did you tell him?” Kime asks me after a second, and after he gives my arm a slight squeeze.
The look in his eyes tells me that he already knows the answer to this, but I nod anyway, and smile a little.
He smiles back at me. “So does this mean the ‘break’ is over?” He asks, winking at me, and I laugh.
“I think so,” I tell him, smiling.
“Well, it’s about time,” Kime says and shakes his head at me. “You guys are so in love it’s not even funny. Why on earth you would ever think you could handle being on a break?” And I somehow sense that he’s wanted to tell me this for a while maybe.
“Leave me alone,” I protest, though I know that Kime’s just being himself, and I don’t really mind. And he’s right anyway; it was a stupid idea for either of us to agree to in the first place. And then suddenly I feel myself getting sad again, because I know it was all my fault to begin with. Tuti being gone. Us being gone. Everything. I feel my shoulders slumping a little, but Kime is pulling me close before I have a chance to think anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, though there’s no need for him to apologize.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him, realizing suddenly that this is true, and knowing that Kime will understand what I mean. “I just want him to be ok.”
Kimeru nods, and pulls away after a moment, holding my shoulders firmly. “He will be,” he tells me, and I believe him, much more so than I did the last time he told me this.
“Come on,” he says after a minute, grabbing my arm, and I get up automatically, following him. Until I realize that we’re not going back to the hospital. I start to protest, but he shakes his head.
“We’re going home,” he says, and his tone of voice leaves no room for argument, though I know I will argue anyway, because just the thought of leaving Yuuichi there, and being so far away from him scares me, and makes me feel like even being out here, is too much distance, let alone if I go all the way home.
“No, no, I want to stay,” I tell him, a little frantically. “You can go, I’ll be ok, but-”
“Takashi, we are staying. But first you’re going to relax and take a bath. And you have to sleep a little.” He looks at me. “It’s been two days. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I know, but…”
“We’ll come back tomorrow morning. Sooner, if you really want to, ok? But at least for a little while, we’re leaving.”
And then I realize that the car is already here, and I feel my vision clouding over because I’m so tired, and I really, really want to stay, but at the same time, Kime’s prospect of a bath, and a bed seems amazingly perfect to me right now.
“You’ll come back with me later?” I ask, pouting a little.
My friend sighs at me, and lowers his eyes. “Yes. Now get in the car.”
And I do. And my eyes close immediately, the second Kime pulls my head against his chest.