Grievin'

[turgidearth]

Grief is unpleasant to discuss, but there are some things about it that are worth knowing. I'm not going to go into detail about the death of my housemate and friend this summer, simply because I just can't and won't, but I'll tell ya some of what I learned

Comments

[nubule]

one of the worst things you can do for yourself is think that you have no right to be so affected because you weren't that close or didn't know them that well. I did this a year ago and it was very damaging, and I've seen people do it this time too. You don't have to be close to someone to be hit hard by their death.
This is so important! And it's something people should realise from the other side, too; I've heard ridiculous "How well did you know him"-like questions, as if there's a minimum level of familiarity that is required for one to be affected.

yuuup

[pball]

Thanks for comments - i totally agree. i asked a couple times (sort of unconsciously) how well people knew Dave, but i didn't mean it as a judgement, but because I didn't really know him that well (it was always an intention, but i didn't follow up quick enough)... but truthfully i was surprised by the breadth of his community and just wanted to figure out who was closest in his life.

[boreal_circle_a]

thanks for posting this!

[teysah]

you make many good points; i absolutely agree with what you've written here.

my grandma passed earlier this year and although things have been so sad without her around, i feel really good about the way i'm grieving her.

[5_miles]

I am finding myself settling into the knowledge that I will never see him again and I think it's harder now than when he died. The shock has worn off, now I am just sad. I see him quite frequently these days in tall slim strangers or men with his hair colour. The grief is overwhelming when I think I see him or bike by the place I last saw him or do things that I did with him, like play basebal or basketball.
It's still hard, I think it is going to be hard for a while. I think spreading his ashes in October will be really good. I think we need an excuse to all get together and talk some more.

[turgidearth]

Hells yeah. I've stopped seeing Dave everywhere, in everyone, but it still happens now and then. I find it harder with time too: the time of shocked horror fades into a mass of greyness that gets all mixed up in the everyday life you're supposed to go back to.

In some ways I'm exhausted of going there, but in another I think many of us definitely need to process more together, in some ongoing way. Getting out of the city together will be a good thing.

[creedoflux]

It's good to know we don't always have to do the right thing in order to be helpful. I just wish more people could realise that.

My mom always used to say to me, "Using a word like 'process' make you sound like a machine!" but I always said that it's more about the journey than the destination, and some of us don't grieve all at once anyhow.