funny, movies.....
Something about them that make you think. The good ones that is. I just went to see "Behind Enemy Lines" Good movie if you like military type things. But now I have a sea of thoughts in my head. I'm sorry this is probably going to be pretty long and if doesn't interest you just got ahead and pass it up. I just need to get some thoughts out. I need someone/thing to tell it too...
So. go back to the Air Force or not. That's the big big question in my head right now. I know maybe some of you don't like the military some do. Me? I grew up with a father in the air force for 27 years, a grandfather in the army, uncle in the navy, uncle in the marines and coast guard. You can sort of say it's been around in my environment. Not to mention I've lived on a couple military bases. Not to mention... I was cadet in the air force for two years. I wan to be a pilot. More specifically a fighter pilot. Boyhood dreams I know... but you don't know how close I came and now I wonder did I throw it all away cause I thought Art was the way to go. Here's some back-story. I was a ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) Cadet for the air force while going to college in Chicago. I don't know if my heart wasn't in it till right near the end. Cause my grades were slipping, my attitude was less then stellar. Yet I was second in my class for a pilot slot, I was selected as Warrior Officer for the entire squadron of 150 cadets in the last semester. Warrior Officer is usually the most gung ho, the one that pumps everyone up, the one that really helps build that military bond between them all. Sure the last semester I was that but up till then. The 3 semesters before that I didn't really care. And why I started to care near the end I don't know. But then they dropped the bomb on me. They gave me the option to get out. Too many cadets in the Fiscal year so they gave options to the cadets to get out. Honorable discharge, don't own us for the first two years of school, no strings attached. Talk about confused then. I got out thought art where was my heart need to go. Now... three years of design school, $30,000 in student loans, two design jobs later in a failing IT economy. No more dot coms. No more money. No more jobs. So I now I look where do I fit in this? They're is amazing people doing design. Levels I can hardly fathom. And I know just know, deep down inside I don't ever see myself being good enough to do what I want to do. Be a movie conceptual artist. I feel like I'm causing a dream I can never catch cause it's faster to move away then I can. People have always said you can achieve anything if you really put your mind to it. And there's even the saying "If you shoot for the moon and you miss you'll still be among the stars." Well that's nice and I used to love that. But now I understand me better. I don't want the stars I'm shooting for the moon.
So. I'm not a failure as a designer. I can prove that. But I'm not a pioneer, an innovator, and I haven't caught the moon. And I'm afraid if I keep trying I'm going to die... trying. Now... the military. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to be a bird. I want to fly. How bad? Ever not eaten for a day or two and then smelled a thanksgiving type banquet. and someone hands you a bite of turkey and goes that's it. No more. You'd nearly bite the persons arm off if they didn't let you have the rest wouldn't you? The feeling it must be to fly a fighter plane... is the banquet. My Rx7 is that bite. The feel of speed, high-speed turns, and the gentle glide of cruising past things at incredible speeds. And the military. Well I'm sort of in need of structure. heck I've lived with it all my life and now being as free as this. It's almost scary. And the brotherhood among soldiers. I've always reveled in medieval times of knights and kings. The honor of knights and how they are sworn to protect and serve. or as they say in A Few Good Men "...protect people who can't protect themselves." I know you're probably thinking "I can protect my own damn self" Fine, dandy, glad you can. I'm not talking about you then am I. but then there was Sept. 11th.
It actually sort of amazed me. Waking up at 10:30am thinking the whole world was going to war when I turned on the TV. But the part that amazed me was this country. AS much as people whine and crap about how horrible it is It still amazes me when things like this happen how people band together become one. Isn't this what we all hope for? For everyone to be together and one with each other. To bad it takes something so dark to do it but look for the silver lining if you can. I had friends who I NEVER would have thought would praise the military or anything of the sort, stand up and say let me join the military and help defend this country. Yes defend not go gut people in some other country. Me too. I want to protect and defend. I want to be a knight of times today. I want to fly.
So. Go join up you say. Well that's where the ocean hits the building wall. My life if going to have to drastically change for that to happen and I don't know what parts of my life will become the casualties. Sure you can say let fate decide. Let God pick the answers. Things will work out. I don't think any of us at our current ages really knows how much of all this one should believe. Will things work out? Will fate step in? Or am I just rolling dice and have to live with what I roll? People always say don't rock the boat, don't disturb the foundation you stand upon. But what if the foundation needs some parts replaced? What if my boat has SOME rotting board not all of them? Do I attempt to fix the boat with the chance of sinking the whole thing and loosing the boards that matter most to me? Or do I opt for a new boat all together? What is up with all this esoteric blabbing? I'll tell you ... my soulmate.
Her. The flying lady on the bow of my boat and the keel. She's the one. How do I know? I can't explain it I just do. It is like they say in the matrix "being the one is just like being in love. no one can tell you your in love you just know it. through and through." I couldn't tell you how I know she's the one. I just know it. So then I should have nothing to worry about tossing the boat about cause she's the one right? Right? Only if you believe 100% in fate. I think I'm at 85%. I've got the scientific mind that wants those silly things called proof. Yes I'm being semi contradictory but still I know she's the person for me forever, but that may mean if we can actually be together. See she sings Opera.
As in she sings better then anyone you've ever heard. I've heard quite a few musicians in my time not to mention I sing, play about 20+ instruments and compose music. I'm not basing my thoughts on pure bias but I'm sure there is some in there. Now just think pure singing ability now think Andrea Bocelli, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Sarah Brightman. People who can really sing. Not just semi sing and allow some studio to clean up all their little vocal imperfections. Well the big thing about Opera and such is you travel and work and sing... ALOT. As in even if I left my life and tried to travel and such with her I wouldn't see her very often. I guess the curse to having a musical career like that is your regular life is basically put on hold cause your to busy with the rest of it. I guess Celine Dion had like three miscarriages cause her musical life was too much stress on her body she couldn't keep the baby.
So. If I join the military I'll basically never see her. Now that doesn't mean I'm sinking the boat... but I'm rolling dice with that one. I'll be in aveano air force base in Italy while she's in New York, or I'll be at Eglin air force base in Florida while she's in Vienna. We would basically never see each other. Our schedules would probably never match. But then again... maybe it would all work out. It's sort of like gambling with your dreams. I've got one solid dream in my life. Her. But do I place that on the line for potential both? Am I playing double or nothing here? I guess for more impact. Say you had a child. One you loved very dearly. Someone says you could have another child that you would love just as dearly and have two children you love dearly and bring twice the joy to your lives. The stipulation? You have to risk losing the first child to have both. You could end up with one without the other or neither or both.
If. To many damn "if"s. Even life has an if in the middle of it. But at least I feel better I've gotten this all out. But it's still going to trouble me for days, maybe even the rest of my life depending on what I choose, but thanks for listening if you did. I'm sure... it will all work out.
So. go back to the Air Force or not. That's the big big question in my head right now. I know maybe some of you don't like the military some do. Me? I grew up with a father in the air force for 27 years, a grandfather in the army, uncle in the navy, uncle in the marines and coast guard. You can sort of say it's been around in my environment. Not to mention I've lived on a couple military bases. Not to mention... I was cadet in the air force for two years. I wan to be a pilot. More specifically a fighter pilot. Boyhood dreams I know... but you don't know how close I came and now I wonder did I throw it all away cause I thought Art was the way to go. Here's some back-story. I was a ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps) Cadet for the air force while going to college in Chicago. I don't know if my heart wasn't in it till right near the end. Cause my grades were slipping, my attitude was less then stellar. Yet I was second in my class for a pilot slot, I was selected as Warrior Officer for the entire squadron of 150 cadets in the last semester. Warrior Officer is usually the most gung ho, the one that pumps everyone up, the one that really helps build that military bond between them all. Sure the last semester I was that but up till then. The 3 semesters before that I didn't really care. And why I started to care near the end I don't know. But then they dropped the bomb on me. They gave me the option to get out. Too many cadets in the Fiscal year so they gave options to the cadets to get out. Honorable discharge, don't own us for the first two years of school, no strings attached. Talk about confused then. I got out thought art where was my heart need to go. Now... three years of design school, $30,000 in student loans, two design jobs later in a failing IT economy. No more dot coms. No more money. No more jobs. So I now I look where do I fit in this? They're is amazing people doing design. Levels I can hardly fathom. And I know just know, deep down inside I don't ever see myself being good enough to do what I want to do. Be a movie conceptual artist. I feel like I'm causing a dream I can never catch cause it's faster to move away then I can. People have always said you can achieve anything if you really put your mind to it. And there's even the saying "If you shoot for the moon and you miss you'll still be among the stars." Well that's nice and I used to love that. But now I understand me better. I don't want the stars I'm shooting for the moon.
So. I'm not a failure as a designer. I can prove that. But I'm not a pioneer, an innovator, and I haven't caught the moon. And I'm afraid if I keep trying I'm going to die... trying. Now... the military. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to be a bird. I want to fly. How bad? Ever not eaten for a day or two and then smelled a thanksgiving type banquet. and someone hands you a bite of turkey and goes that's it. No more. You'd nearly bite the persons arm off if they didn't let you have the rest wouldn't you? The feeling it must be to fly a fighter plane... is the banquet. My Rx7 is that bite. The feel of speed, high-speed turns, and the gentle glide of cruising past things at incredible speeds. And the military. Well I'm sort of in need of structure. heck I've lived with it all my life and now being as free as this. It's almost scary. And the brotherhood among soldiers. I've always reveled in medieval times of knights and kings. The honor of knights and how they are sworn to protect and serve. or as they say in A Few Good Men "...protect people who can't protect themselves." I know you're probably thinking "I can protect my own damn self" Fine, dandy, glad you can. I'm not talking about you then am I. but then there was Sept. 11th.
It actually sort of amazed me. Waking up at 10:30am thinking the whole world was going to war when I turned on the TV. But the part that amazed me was this country. AS much as people whine and crap about how horrible it is It still amazes me when things like this happen how people band together become one. Isn't this what we all hope for? For everyone to be together and one with each other. To bad it takes something so dark to do it but look for the silver lining if you can. I had friends who I NEVER would have thought would praise the military or anything of the sort, stand up and say let me join the military and help defend this country. Yes defend not go gut people in some other country. Me too. I want to protect and defend. I want to be a knight of times today. I want to fly.
So. Go join up you say. Well that's where the ocean hits the building wall. My life if going to have to drastically change for that to happen and I don't know what parts of my life will become the casualties. Sure you can say let fate decide. Let God pick the answers. Things will work out. I don't think any of us at our current ages really knows how much of all this one should believe. Will things work out? Will fate step in? Or am I just rolling dice and have to live with what I roll? People always say don't rock the boat, don't disturb the foundation you stand upon. But what if the foundation needs some parts replaced? What if my boat has SOME rotting board not all of them? Do I attempt to fix the boat with the chance of sinking the whole thing and loosing the boards that matter most to me? Or do I opt for a new boat all together? What is up with all this esoteric blabbing? I'll tell you ... my soulmate.
Her. The flying lady on the bow of my boat and the keel. She's the one. How do I know? I can't explain it I just do. It is like they say in the matrix "being the one is just like being in love. no one can tell you your in love you just know it. through and through." I couldn't tell you how I know she's the one. I just know it. So then I should have nothing to worry about tossing the boat about cause she's the one right? Right? Only if you believe 100% in fate. I think I'm at 85%. I've got the scientific mind that wants those silly things called proof. Yes I'm being semi contradictory but still I know she's the person for me forever, but that may mean if we can actually be together. See she sings Opera.
As in she sings better then anyone you've ever heard. I've heard quite a few musicians in my time not to mention I sing, play about 20+ instruments and compose music. I'm not basing my thoughts on pure bias but I'm sure there is some in there. Now just think pure singing ability now think Andrea Bocelli, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Sarah Brightman. People who can really sing. Not just semi sing and allow some studio to clean up all their little vocal imperfections. Well the big thing about Opera and such is you travel and work and sing... ALOT. As in even if I left my life and tried to travel and such with her I wouldn't see her very often. I guess the curse to having a musical career like that is your regular life is basically put on hold cause your to busy with the rest of it. I guess Celine Dion had like three miscarriages cause her musical life was too much stress on her body she couldn't keep the baby.
So. If I join the military I'll basically never see her. Now that doesn't mean I'm sinking the boat... but I'm rolling dice with that one. I'll be in aveano air force base in Italy while she's in New York, or I'll be at Eglin air force base in Florida while she's in Vienna. We would basically never see each other. Our schedules would probably never match. But then again... maybe it would all work out. It's sort of like gambling with your dreams. I've got one solid dream in my life. Her. But do I place that on the line for potential both? Am I playing double or nothing here? I guess for more impact. Say you had a child. One you loved very dearly. Someone says you could have another child that you would love just as dearly and have two children you love dearly and bring twice the joy to your lives. The stipulation? You have to risk losing the first child to have both. You could end up with one without the other or neither or both.
If. To many damn "if"s. Even life has an if in the middle of it. But at least I feel better I've gotten this all out. But it's still going to trouble me for days, maybe even the rest of my life depending on what I choose, but thanks for listening if you did. I'm sure... it will all work out.