Confessions of a Pregnant Silver Ranger (inSpace, K+)

[tsukino_akume]

For the first time ever, I wrote CrackFic. On *purpose*. And not just CrackFic, but M-preg CrackFic.

-Whimpers- I am *so* going to hell.

Title: Confessions of a Pregnant Silver Ranger
Pairing: Andros/Zhane, Ashley/Cassie
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: Thank god I don’t own it. If I actually did something like this, the characters would kill me - if the fandom didn’t get to me first.
Warnings: CrackFic, m-preg, mild langauge. I do not recommend eating before reading this fic.
Summary: Being pregnant sucks. Especially when you don’t get the attention you demand.
Author's Notes: I blame this entirely on Challon86, phantom_blue, and the cake-flavored ice cream I consumed shortly before writing this.

Happy belated birthday, starandrea. I'm so, so sorry. -_-;;

"I'm fat," Cassie moaned.

"*You're* fat?" Zhane shot back. "At least you're built the right way for this! Every time I stand up I feel like I'm gonna fall over."

She leveled him with a dark look from under her hair, which was slipping out of its scrunchie and falling into her eyes. "*You* volunteered. I was conned."

"Well yeah, because I figured I was in for nine months of pampering." He sighed, leaning his chin on his hand. "Making Andros and everyone else wait on me hand and foot? Who *wouldn't* want that?"

"Me," Cassie grumbled.

"You still agreed to do it," he pointed out. He frowned at the table. "Are we out of Cheez-Its again?"

She looked up from nursing the bowl of nachos he'd refused to touch after he saw what she was putting on them. "You ate the last bag yesterday," she reminded him.

"Damn it," he grumbled.

"We have cheese," she offered. "Will that work?"

"I don't want *real* food," he complained. "I want *fake* food. You know, that ... powdered stuff that turns your fingers orange."

"I think T.J. had a secret stash of Doritos somewhere," she returned distractedly, already looking back down at the bowl balanced on her bulging stomach. She frowned. "Why did I put cherries in this again?"

"You said you needed more fruit, but you didn't want to give up the refried beans," he answered. He looked down at his own bulge and winced. "Do you guys *really* have to have it?" he whined. "There's food all over the table ... And I don't wanna get up ... "

A sharp kick to his kidneys made him wince. "Ow! Okay, okay, I'm moving. I'm moving!" he moaned, rubbing his side placating. He stared at the floor, whimpered pathetically for a moment, and struggled to push himself up out of the chair.

"Zhane." D.E.C.A. blinked into existence, her red camera light glaring down at him. "You are not supposed to be moving without assistance. Your current body mass requires rest and relaxation to prevent overtaxing your physical ability."

"'My current body mass'?" he repeated, glaring up at her. "Thanks, D.E.C.A. You really know how to make a guy feel special, you know that?"

"You are not supposed to move without assistance," she insisted again.

"Cassie's assisting me. She's providing moral support."

Cassie raised a fist into the air silently, popping another nacho into her mouth.

Zhane glared at the floor in consternation. "Okay. We can do this, right guys? You don't want to make Daddy face plant before he can feed you, right?"

Another, softer kick to his bladder declared the need to stand increasingly more important.

He sucked in a deep breath, grasped at the side of the table, and heaved. It was a struggle not to windmill his arms as his balance tilted, but he finally found his center of gravity by thrusting his hips forward and shoulders back. "My spine ... " he groaned.

"You might want to move before you wet your pants again," Cassie commented mildly, reaching over to snag a pickle from the open jar.

"Good point," he mumbled, placing a hand on his back as he shuffled quickly off in the direction of the bathroom.

As he and Cassie had both gotten further into their pregnancies, it was quickly decided that while the Megaship was the best place to keep two former Astro Rangers who weren't exactly capable of taking on any assassination attempts from Dark Specter's former loyal subjects. While the Astro Rangers were only *part* of the defeat of Dark Specter's empire, they tended to be credited with doing more than they actually had. As a result, they were forced to occasionally deal with the odd attempt on their lives.

Unanimous vote blamed it on Andros, whose own vote was thrown out as invalid.

It wasn't normally a problem, but in the condition the Silver and Pink Rangers were in, it was more than slightly inconvenient. So Andros had loaded the entire team onto the Megaship Mark2, as he called it, the newest incarnation of their ship now that the Galaxy Rangers had destroyed - sorry, 'lost' the original in battle.

Zhane was only *slightly* bitter about it.

Being pregnant itself wasn't terrible - in concept, at least. The idea of having children with Andros was nice to think about, and as he'd told Cassie, he'd been looking forward to being fussed over and spoiled in his condition. Besides, who really wanted to see a pregnant Andros, anyway? He'd either kill them all while he was feeling hormonal, or they'd all kill *him* for driving them crazy.

Adoption would have been a much easier option, but the idea of carrying his own child had really appealed to Zhane. He'd heard stories about how the mother - or father, in his case - would bond with their child throughout the experience. His own mother had called it the most horrible experience she'd ever had, but claimed she was stronger for it. And well ... he really was a bit of a softy at heart.

It was Ashley's fault, really. She'd been wistfully talking about having children with Cassie after reading some announcement from Earth about their 'science' advancing medicine so that male couples could have children, and admitted that someday she wanted to have her own. Zhane had overheard and asked why, and Ash's longing expression as she talked about wanting a little girl with Cassie's eyes had sparked something in him.

So he told her that Earth's idea of 'science' was a bit behind, and mentioned that Triforia had been able to create children between same-sex couples and impregnate one of them for ages. If she really wanted a child that bad, they could go see some of the healers on Triforia. Apparently the idea was a dream come true for the girls, and Ashley's growing excitement had been catching. Soon the entire team was trying to figure out how to baby-proof the Megaship.

But the healers had discovered a problem: Ashley wasn't capable of carrying a baby to full term. They'd given some sort of technological jargon that basically boiled down to some issue with her immune system. Ash had been devastated.

Which is when Cassie stepped up, and volunteered to carry the child instead.

Zhane had finally convinced Andros that he was serious, that he really wanted to do this, and that having a baby together really was a good idea, about a month later. For them, there was never any question of who would carry the baby. Zhane wanted it, and the very idea of Andros being pregnant had given T.J. nightmares for weeks after it was mentioned.

Cassie was just weeks away from her due date now, snapping at everyone left and right and inhaling more food than one baby should ever have needed her to consume. She *hated* being pregnant, and made sure that everyone knew it. The only person who escaped her wrath was Zhane, because she seemed to get some sort of perverse pleasure out of seeing him suffer alongside her.

Zhane meanwhile, was absolutely *miserable*. It wasn't that he didn't like being pregnant, because he was pretty sure that in any other circumstance, he probably would have. But by some strike of dumb luck or Andros Chaos Factor - Carlos' theory - Zhane had ended up not just pregnant, but pregnant with *twins*.

It had been a shock, and once they were finally removed from his person, he was pretty sure he'd be thrilled to have his boys. But right now they were heavy, one of them was always kicking him, there was *always* somebody sitting on his bladder, and they never slept at the same time, which ensured *he* didn't sleep enough. He was huge, hungry one minute and nauseous the next, exhausted and restless all at once. Just standing up was an adventure, and getting to the bathroom and back was a marathon.

And Andros kept reminding him that he'd wanted to do this.

He scowled as he shuffled back out to the table and chairs that had been set up for them. Being that neither of them were exactly able to move around much at the moment, D.E.C.A. had ordered them to the medlab during the day, only allowing them back to their respective rooms at night, and only if someone was there to help them. The rest of the team kept them stocked with as much food as they needed, and there was always someone coming by to check up on them, but it was still frustrating. Zhane liked being fussed over, but only if he had the *choice* not to be.

Cassie glanced up at him when he made his way over to the table again. "I think the Doritos are stashed in one of the blanket cabinets," she informed him. "And can you get me some hot chocolate while you're up?"

He nodded with a weary sigh. "Make your orders now, 'cause once I sit back down I'm not getting up again," he warned.

She shrugged. "Get me some hot chocolate and I'll call somebody to bring the marshmallows."

He searched the cabinets and let out a frustrated sigh. "Are you *sure* they were in with the blankets?" he called back over his shoulder.

"Unless he moved them, I think so."

"Damn it," he muttered. He winced, putting a hand on his back. "Okay, one hot chocolate coming up."

"Zhane, your pulse has become elevated," D.E.C.A. spoke up again. "Please return to your seat."

He growled under his breath. "I'm *fine*, D.E.C.A. Just leave me alone."

"An elevated pulse is an indicator that you may be in pain and is not good for the infants in their current stage of growth," she argued. "You must sit down, or I will be forced to summon Andros."

He shot a dark look toward the camera. "Go ahead," he challenged. "Andros won't set foot anywhere near me right now. He's too busy investigating ... whatever the hell he was rambling about this morning."

"The dispute between the Fel'nahi and Ignis over border lines," Cassie spoke up, frowning at her bowl. "Ash said they were threatening to declare war or something. I need more hot sauce."

Zhane reached across the table to push it in her direction. "Whatever. He's just using it as an excuse to avoid me, I know it." he sulked.

Cassie nodded. "Nobody talks to us anymore unless D.E.C.A. tells them we need more food," she agreed, frowning at the hot sauce. "Speaking of which, we need more of this," she went on, waving the bottle for D.E.C.A. to see. She glanced over the table and sighed. "And T.J. needs to stop hoarding the Doritos."

The door to the medlab slid open abruptly, and they both looked up.

Carlos froze in mid-step. " ... Hi," he said after a long pause, visibly swallowing and nodding to them. "How are you two doing?"

"See? Doesn't want to talk to us," Zhane complained to Cassie. "We're fat and cranky and tired, and no one cares. Not even the people who *should* care." He flopped back down into his chair with the all the grace of a beached whale. "And my feet hurt," he grumbled to no one in particular.

"We need hot sauce and Doritos," Cassie informed Carlos. "And something chocolate. Zhane's cranky." She paused. "And can you tell D.E.C.A. to stop locking us out of the temperature controls? It's hotter than Hades in here."

"You know, I'd love to help," Carlos began, fidgeting slightly. "But I'm on duty right now, and I really just came here for some band-aids ... " He paused as they both turned to glare at him, and glanced out the door down the hallway he'd come from. "T.J.!" he blurted suddenly.

Zhane glanced at Cassie, raising his eyebrows. She shrugged back at him.

Carlos returned, pushing a startled T.J. in front of him. "Teej, you're not busy right now, right? You can help them out with whatever they need. I've ... I need to get back to ... stuff. I'll see you both later okay?" Snagging a small first-aid kid from beside one of the beds, he waved distractedly as he practically ran out the door.

T.J. blinked, looking back after Carlos for a moment before turning to offer them both a bright smile. "So. How are you guys doing?"

"Hot," Cassie said bluntly.

"Tired," Zhane groused.

"Hungry. You ate all the Doritos, didn't you?" she accused.

"My feet hurt," Zhane mumbled, still staring at the floor. The loneliness, frustration, and general misery was suddenly overwhelming, and his eyes started to water. "And ... and Andros hates me!"

Cassie reached out to pat his arm understandingly as he burst into tears.

T.J. stared at them both, wide-eyed. "I'll ... go get you some Doritos .... "

****

" ... Zhane?"

He muttered and tried to roll over to avoid the soft voice above him. All he managed was to wriggle into an even more awkward position. No matter what D.E.C.A. wanted to claim, these 'beds' were the most uncomfortable things he'd ever tried to lay down on.

"Zhane, I've got some hot chocolate for you ... " the voice coaxed gently.

"Don't want hot chocolate," he mumbled irritably. "M' hot." He wasn't, but he was still miserable and he felt like being contrary right now.

"Come on, Zhane. You need to drink something."

He cracked open an eye and glared blearily at the yellow blur in front of him. "If I drink it, will you go away?"

A gentle hand ran over his hair. "Poor Zhane," Ashley said softly, her voice sympathetic. "You're really feeling awful, aren't you?"

"Yes," he sniffed, glad *someone* was finally feeling sorry for him. "I hate this."

She kissed his head lightly. "I think you're really brave, doing this for your boys. I know they said it wasn't going to be easy on you, but you're doing it anyway."

He shrugged a shoulder. "Never do what's easy. That's boring," he said simply. "Harder things are worth it in the end."

She smiled warmly at him. "They are," she agreed. "You want me to help you sit up, so you can have your chocolate?"

"I guess," he sighed unhappily. Moving seemed like too much work right now, even for chocolate.

Her arm slipped carefully under his, gently hauling him backwards until he was leaning against the wall behind him. Her hands remained on his shoulders for a moment, making sure he stayed put, and he stared blankly at his stomach protruding in front of him. "I'm huge," he informed her blandly.

"You're beautiful," Ashley corrected, kissing his temple.

"I'm fat," he grumbled. He moved a hand to rest on top of his belly button, contemplating the bulge as one of the twins shifted under his touch. "Do you ever sleep?" he asked the baby rhetorically. "I swear, your brother's always sleeping, but you never do."

"Which one is it?" Ashley asked, leaning closer.

"Castor," he sighed, rubbing a hand soothingly over the spot. "He never sleeps. If Pollux didn't keep rolling over onto my bladder, I'd wonder if he was okay in there."

"All three infants are healthy and developing at the appropriate growth rates," D.E.C.A. interjected.

He scowled up at her. "Thanks, D.E.C.A."

Ashley smiled at him. "Here, maybe the chocolate will help them settle down. That usually soothes your stomach, right?"

He nodded, pleased that she'd remembered. "They like that, and soup. Everything else is sort of touch and go."

"Not like Cassie," she teased, grinning faintly now. "She can eat *anything*."

"I dunno. Her nachos were gross, but the peanut butter, bacon bits, and strawberry jelly sandwich wasn't bad," he told her, contemplating the mug she offered him for a moment. He took a long, slow sip, and was happy to note that it was just the right temperature: not hot, but just warm enough.

Ashley wrinkled her nose. "I'll pass, thanks. You okay here for now? Andros said he'd be in soon."

He scowled. "I'll be fine. And he doesn't have to bother. I can sleep in here tonight."

She looked at him for a moment, stroking his hair again. "He's trying," she offered finally. "He just doesn't really understand what you're going through right now."

"He doesn't *want* to," he muttered.

She sighed. "I'll see you in the morning, okay Zhane?" She kissed his temple again. "Feel better."

"Thanks, Ash," he said softly, feeling guilty for snapping at her.

She offered him another warm smile before turning to Cassie. "You ready for bed?"

"I'm ready to be done with this," Cassie grumbled, but she took Ashley's arm anyway, allowing herself to be escorted. She leaned heavily against her girlfriend as they moved, and Ashley walked slowly, rubbing her back and pausing to kiss her cheek.

Zhane looked away, blinking back tears.

Andros wasn't an unfeeling sort of guy. He could be really sweet when he tried. Sympathy just ... wasn't really his thing. He was too logical, really. In his mind, Zhane had asked for this, so there was no reason for him to complain.

He tilted his head back with a sigh, absently rubbing his stomach. Being pregnant was awkward. The male body wasn't exactly built for it, even if science had made it possible. And now he had a funny scar from the insemination that would only get bigger when it was time to take the boys out. He had plenty of old scars of course, but those were from fighting. This was something different. It was more important in some ways, and more upsetting in others.

Zhane didn't like to think of himself as being vain, but sometimes ...

"Zhane?"

He looked up, blinking at Andros hovering uncertainly in the doorway. Andros looked tired, and not quite ready to drop, but close enough. "You ready to go?" he asked wearily.

Zhane shook his head. "I'm gonna stay in here for tonight. You go on without me."

Andros gave him an unamused look. "You hate these beds," he reminded him flatly. "You always say that metal sheets are impossible to sleep on."

He shrugged. "I'm just gonna have to make my way back in here in the morning. Might as well save the trip."

There was a sigh, and Andros came over to lean against the wall beside him. "Ash said you weren't feeling well," he said finally.

He looked at him. "I'm pregnant."

The corner of Andros' mouth twitched. "Yeah, I got that." He hesitated, reaching out slowly to put his hand on Zhane's stomach. "How are they doing?"

Zhane made a face as one of the twins responded with another kick. "Castor says hello."

Andros frowned, then slowly began to rub along Zhane's stomach.

The back and forth motion was soothing, and Zhane found himself yawning and fighting sleep. "That ... feels nice," he mumbled.

"I heard it helps soothe the babies when they don't want to sleep," Andros answered softly. Something pressed lightly to his forehead, and he felt a hand tug gently on his arm. "Zhane. Come on. We'll all sleep better once you're in bed," he coaxed.

Zhane grumbled, sighed, and winced as he slowly slid to the floor.

"Your feet still hurting?" Andros asked, pulling him slowly toward the door.

"Mmm," he mumbled. "Think they're swollen."

"How's your stomach?"

"I think that broccoli and ketchup thing Cassie made me try earlier is fighting back."

"You still hot?"

He shook his head, leaning a little closer. "Cold now. D.E.C.A.'s been keeping the medlab warmer, and she won't let us change the temperature. Says it's not healthy."

"I'll talk to her about it tomorrow."

He yawned, pausing for a moment to stretch out his back. "Thanks."

D.E.C.A. already had the lift waiting for them, and Zhane leaned against Andros as it brought them to the habitation deck. "Wish I wasn't so tired all the time," he grumbled.

"That's what happens when you've got two other people trying to share your energy," Andros reminded him. "Especially when they take after you."

"No, *Castor* takes after you," he argued, yawning again in mid-argument. "He never sits still. And Pollux sleeps too much to know which one of us he's like yet."

"You're not actually going to name them Castor and Pollux, are you?" Andros asked warily as the doors opened again.

"Why not?"

T.J. was just stepping out of Cassie and Ashley's room when as they passed it, and he stopped in surprise.
"Hey," he greeted softly. "You two okay?"

Zhane nodded.

"Everything all right?" Andros whispered, nodding toward the girl's room.

T.J. winced. "Ash needed help getting Cassie back to bed. Apparently the nachos were a bad idea."

Zhane winced too, glancing through the still open door. Cassie was stretched out on the bed, hair spread out around her as she frowned in her sleep. Ashley was curled around her, one hand placed possessively on Cassie's stomach and chin on her shoulder.

He smiled a little, and caught himself yawning again.

Andros tugged gently on his arm. "Come on, Zhane."

"Night," T.J. called softly.

Zhane waved absently after him, focusing on the door just a few more feet ahead of him. He was almost there. He could do this. And once he was in bed, no one was getting him back out of it. Ever.

And then the door was open, and Andros was pulling off his shirt and guiding him to sit down. He sighed in relief as his head hit a pillow and his feet were pulled up after the rest of him. "Thanks," he mumbled.

"Anytime," Andros said softly.

He made a pleased noise as he felt his shoes removed and hands began rubbing his feet. "I love you ... " he sighed into the pillow.

There was a soft chuckle from somewhere. "I guess I should give you foot massages more often?"

"Yes," he declared, trying to be firm but only managing to sound sleepy.

"I'll keep that in mind."

He wasn't sure how much time had passed when the massage finally stopped, only that now there was a hand rubbing his stomach again and Andros was kissing him. He sighed in contentment. "I really do, you know," he mumbled, almost asleep now.

"I know," Andros said softly, and there was another kiss, this time to his stomach. "I love you, too."

" ... Hey, Andros?"

"Yeah?"

"The next time I say I want to do something like this ... shoot me."

"I won't. I promise."