A Darker Shade of Red (Time Force/Power Rangers, T, Chapter 11: Acceptance)
Lately I want to write more Bright Skies, but I can't, because I need A Darker Shade of Red to catch up to it first. -Glares at Alex- So, instead I give you another chapter of Alex torment, and hope that Alex Muse continues to cooperate.
Fandom/: Power Rangers Time Force, slight crossover with S.P.D. (In Bright Skies universe)
Characters/: Alex
Pairings/: Alex/Jen, Lucas/Trip, Katie/OC, Wes/Eric
Rating/: T
Disclaimer/: Saban/Disney/Whoever sure didn't write *this* into the series. The plot comes purely from my own warped little mind, and the characters are merely borrowed from them for my own amusement. Lucky you.
Summary/: The legacy of Wesley Collins and Eric Myers didn't just affect the past - it affected the future. One thousand years after they became Rangers, one person is still struggling against the corruption of Time Force and the heritage he never wanted.
Warnings/: People used for scientific experimentation, corrupted Time Force, character with self-image issues
Author's Notes/: Alex's Nervous Breakdown continues, although this time it has Alex/Jen interaction, too. Apparently I enjoy causing the poor boy trauma. I is evil.
"We shouldn't have come here," Alex muttered, pacing Jen's bedroom before she'd even shut the door. "It's not safe."
"I feel safer here than I do at Time Force," she returned. "And I wouldn't put it past them to have surveillance on our rooms."
He paused at the thought, closing his eyes and turning to hit his head against the wall. "Thanks, Jen," he muttered irritably. "Now I'll never be able to sleep in my apartment again."
"You barely sleep as it is," Trip reminded him. "You're getting circles under your eyes."
He glanced at him, but Trip was still frowning. "You're not sleeping enough, Alex," he repeated. "And don't lie - I can tell."
It was hard not to demand to know why he cared.
"Alex, how long ago did Blakemore threaten you?" Katie asked suddenly, frowning at him.
He didn't threaten *me*, he wanted to say. I wouldn't care if it was me. Instead he just shrugged a little.
Jen's eyes narrowed as she folded her arms. "It happened the day I came to see you at your apartment last week, didn't it?" she demanded. "You said you'd been working but you weren't now, and you wouldn't tell me why."
Lucas studied him with a look he couldn't read. "And you've been avoiding us for a week," he commented pointedly.
He felt his jaw clench without meaning to, and moved to look out the room's window. For a moment, he entertained the thought of just ignoring them all. They were always ready to get of him when he started acting like a jerk. If he pushed just enough ...
A hand settled on his arm. He started wildly, spinning into a defensive stance, and glared. His breath was fast, and he could hear his heart pounding.
Jen stared at him, her eyes wide.
It took a moment for him to breathe deeply enough to calm, and his heart was still pounding as he forced himself to relax. "*Don't*. Sneak up on me," he warned her.
Her mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. "Alex ... " she whispered at last.
He took another deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment as he centered himself. They were all watching him when he opened them again, and he fought the urge to sigh. "What do you want me to say?" he asked finally, feeling defeated. Déja vu hit him - hadn't he already asked Jen that same question?
"The truth," Lucas retorted immediately.
He gave him a skeptical look and finally shook his head. "No, you don't. You just think you do."
"Don't tell us what we think, Alex," Katie told him, glaring as she moved closer. "We may not know you that well, but you don't know *us*, either."
He started to protest and frowned, thinking. He could recite statistics about each of them off the top of his head in an instant. He could tell them more about their morphers than *they* probably knew. He knew the things they'd told him, whether on purpose or not. What else *did* he know?
"I know the only thing more important to Katie than her family is Collins and the three of you, because she thinks of you *as* family," he said slowly. "I know that she's been worried because her brother Brett has been getting into trouble lately, and her parents don't know what to do with him. I know Lucas hates people telling him what to do without saying why - which actually makes me wonder why you ever joined Time Force. I know Jen. I know Trip tries so hard because he thinks he has something to prove." He swallowed without meaning to, and felt his eyes burn. "And I know that you all miss Wes more than you want to say in front of me."
It surprised him when it was Lucas who finally broke the long silence. "Then you should also know that we're worried about *you*," he informed him. He hesitated, sighed, and glanced away. "You're not the person I thought you were. And I'm starting to realize that."
Katie nodded quickly in agreement, moving even closer to slowly put a hand on his arm. "And we want to help you, Alex. We just need you to let us," she told him softly.
He glanced over at Trip, who gave him a rueful smile. "I've always been on your side," he said simply.
He felt his free hand being squeezed, and looked to Jen in surprise. She gave a tentative smile of her own that warmed a little as he stared at her. "I told you before. I just want to know the real you, Alex."
There was a lump in his throat he couldn't seem to swallow. Her eyes were hopeful as she watched him, and it was killing him. "There is no real me," he heard himself whisper. "There's just ... just .... "
"Just what?" Jen asked softly. The hope was fading to concern.
He swallowed again and blinked hard. "There's just the Red Ranger. That's all I've ever been."
"That's not true!" Trip blurted out, and he started at the sudden loud voice. "Alex ... " He faltered for a moment before his eyes narrowed in determination. "What's your favorite training sim?" he asked suddenly.
Alex frowned, startled by the question. "Guile."
"Where'd he come from? That’s not a normal sim." Trip pointed out.
"I hacked the system and created it based off a video game from the early 1990's." He ignored the incredulous looks Lucas and Katie were giving him.
"Why doesn't your car have a hover function?"
He scowled at him, because Trip already knew these answers. "It *does*. I never use it because most criminals expect to be attacked from the air, so their ground defense is weaker."
"Never thought of that," he heard Lucas mutter.
"And?" Trip persisted.
He shrugged. "And I like driving on the ground. It's the way crime prevention organizations functioned in the twentieth century."
"What sort of movies do you like?"
He sighed. "Early twentieth century science-fiction. Is this going somewhere?"
"Wes doesn't play video games," Trip informed him. "He likes driving his motorcycle better than cars, and his favorite movies are Westerns." He shook his head as Alex frowned. "You're *not* Wes, Alex. And you're not just the Red Ranger. Why would the Red Ranger care about movies and video games?"
Jen was starting to grin. "Why would the Red Ranger insist chivalry is archaic while he's still holding open doors for me? " she asked. "Why would he read history books for *fun*?"
He grit his teeth, shaking his head. "I know what you're trying to do. But you're *wrong*." He shook his head again, and felt a bitter smile cross his face. "I used to think that maybe I could exist without this morpher. That maybe I could be like everyone else. But it just comes back to me. And now ... " Another head shake, and a laugh bubbled up that sounded slightly hysterical. "And now if I don't play their little game and be the perfect solitary Red Ranger, they'll go after your families, too. Just like they went after Ben."
Katie's eyes widened. "Alex ... "
He kept shaking his head, laughing until his face felt wet. "All anyone will ever want me to be is Wesley Collins. And no matter how hard I try, I can't. I'm not him. I don't want to *be* him. And after everything I've done to the four of you ... " Another head shake. "I owe you all, so much. And no matter what I try to make it better it isn't good enough."
"Alex!"
It was hard to say whether it was the sharp sound of his name or Jen's arms around him that forced him to stop talking. He swallowed as his head was forced against her shoulder and she squeezed him tightly. "I couldn't protect Ben," he whispered finally. "The least I can do is protect the four of you."
"You're not a martyr, Alex," Jen said softly, and he felt fingers run through his hair. "No matter what they told you. You're not anyone else, and you're *not* anyone's replacement. You're *you*. That's all you ever need to be."
His eyes scrunched shut in a pathetic attempt to stop the tears. When had he gotten so weak? "What if being myself isn't enough?"
"It's *more* than enough." Her voice cracked slightly, and he felt a kiss pressed to his temple. "You don't need to be anyone but yourself, Alex. That's all I've - we've, ever wanted."
He didn't know how long they stayed like that. He was aware, distantly, that at some point he'd been maneuvered to sit down. Jen's arms never let go, and he didn't even try to move away. Her shoulder was wet where his face buried against it, but he couldn't find the will to care at the moment.
"If I could make them leave you all alone, I would," he croaked eventually.
"I won't let them hurt you again," she murmured back. Her hands continued to run through his hair, and there was another squeeze. "You're not alone anymore, Alex. I promise. We'll help you."
"Don't want you hurt."
"Then don't make me watch *you* be hurt," she retorted softly. "Because that hurts more than anything else they could do to me."
He frowned a little at that, slowly pulling away to sit up and look at her. She seemed reluctant to let go, but she met his eyes easily. "But ... you ... I don't - I don't understand." he muttered in confusion.
Her hands reached up to touch his cheeks, thumbs wiping away tears he didn't know he'd still been shedding. She leaned closer, her forehead resting against his. "I told you, Alex. I want you to be honest with me. I want the chance to love the bad things about you, not just the good."
He tried to shake his head, but her hands were still on his face, keeping him in place. "You ... you picked Wes. You wanted him. Not me."
She pulled back, her expression serious, and it hurt to lose that sense of closeness. "I do love Wes," she agreed solemnly.
He swore he *heard* his heart shatter.
But Jen's eyes were still staring into his, and he couldn't look away. "Wes is my best friend," she continued. "I love him because he taught me so much about being a Ranger, about being a *person*. He taught me how to laugh again. I'll never not care about him. But he's not *you*, Alex."
He started. "W-what?"
One of her thumbs started to stroke his cheek. "Wes isn't the person I want to marry. You are." She swallowed, and her smile was slightly shaky. "That is ... if you ... if you still want me."
He couldn't breathe. "You ... but I ... huh?" he finished weakly.
She burst into giggles; it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. Her eyes sparkled merrily, and he was mesmerized. "I love you, Alex." Her smile warmed. "I want to marry you. If you'll take me."
He shook his head slowly, still rattled and no closer to understanding than he'd been a moment ago. "But ... you and Wes ... I thought .... "
"Wes isn't you," she repeated. "I love him because of the things he taught me, because he's the best friend I've ever had. And I do miss him," she admitted. "How could I not? But Alex ... " She shook her head, eyes raising meeting his again. "Alex, you made me feel important. You made me ... special. I wouldn't be where I am now, *who* I am now, without you. And ... I don't want to be without you."
"I ... " He shook his head again, at last bringing up a hand to pinch his nose. "Jen, I don't ... I mean, I do love you. I never stopped. But I don't ... I don't know if I can do this again."
She nodded slowly, but he could see the hurt shining in her eyes. "I understand," she said softly.
"I'm not saying that I don't *want* ... something, between us," he rushed out, wanting that look to go away. "I just ... I don't know if I could handle it if you ... if you didn't ... "
"Alex," she cut in. "I understand." She gave a forced smile. "I can't expect you to just forgive me for hurting you."
"I want to," he muttered, feeling like a heel.
She shook her head, and her hands reached out to squeeze his. "Don't," she insisted. "You haven't done anything wrong. I'm serious!" she added when he snorted. "Maybe some things should have been done differently, but you're not the only one who could have made better decisions. I'm at fault here, too. We both have things to be sorry for."
Mine are a lot worse than yours, he mused bitterly, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.
A soft knock on the door startled them both into looking up, and Alex finally noticed that the other three had mysteriously disappeared at some point. Katie poked her head into the room, offering a bright smile. "Sorry to bug you two, but dinner's ready."
"We'll be right there," Jen promised.
She looked at him when the door closed again, giving a rueful smile. "You look terrible. Your eyes are all red." One of her hands reached up to run through his hair again, apparently attempting to smooth it out.
"How is it you always manage to turn me into a complete wreck?" he muttered, rubbing at his eyes. He glanced at her shoulder. "You may want to take off your jacket and run it through the refresher."
"Since when?" she demanded, giving him an exasperated look. She shrugged out of her jacket as she stood, moving to the dresser. "You're always perfectly composed."
"I am not," he retorted. "I just hide it well."
"Name *one* time that I turned you into a wreck," she insisted, setting out some clothes before turning to scowl at him, arms folded.
"The day I asked you out," he answered immediately. "Our first date. Meeting your parents. The day I asked you to ma - " He cut himself off, looking away uncomfortably. "It was more than once."
She grabbed the clothes and headed toward the adjacent bathroom, pausing to give him an odd look before searching the medicine cabinet. "Our first date was dinner and a movie. How did that turn you into a wreck?"
"I'd never eaten outside of the cafeteria before, and the only movies I watched were on Squad Nights," he returned. "I had no idea what I was doing."
She frowned a little, brightening as she located whatever she was looking for. "You could have fooled me."
"That was the point," he said wryly.
She turned to him and abruptly froze, eyes widening.
He frowned. "Jen? What's wrong?"
She blinked several times before she recovered. "I ... it's nothing. Here." She tossed a small bottle, and he caught it on reflex. "For your eyes," she explained before shutting the bathroom door.
He eyed the tiny bottle in his hand warily. As a rule, he disliked taking any sort of medication whenever possible. Other than the standard immunization shots the medical department gave every year - and even those he had to be forced into - he refused to take so much as an aspirin anymore. He never knew what sort of effects it would have, or if it was really what it said it was. But then, this *was* Jen.
He sighed, forcing himself to do it before he could change his mind. The drops burned a little, but he supposed that was to be expected. He blinked rapidly for a moment, and the pain was gone.
Jen emerged a moment later, her uniform in one hand. She'd changed into a pink T-shirt and jeans, leaving her hair around her shoulders. Seeing her out of Time Force gear was rare, and he tried not to be obvious as he took a moment to appreciate it.
"Here," he said after a pause, casually tossing the eye drops back. "Thanks."
"No problem," she dismissed easily. She paused to look him over, nodded once, and opened the bedroom door. "Hey, Katie! You want something to wear?"
"Ooh, yes," came the immediate response as she rushed into the room. "Get me *out* of this uniform."
Jen smiled wryly as she fished around, passing over some clothing. "You're just lucky I still have yellow," she teased.
"You're a lifesaver, Jen."
She shrugged lightly. "We'll have to find something for the guys after dinner."
"Definitely." Katie turned, caught sight of him, and paused much the way Jen had.
"What?" he demanded, getting irritated.
"Just ... not used to seeing your hair down," Katie said quickly, smiling at him. "You always gel it back."
He frowned a little, shrugging and resisting the urge to run a hand over it. "I didn't realize it looked that bad."
"Not bad," she assured him. "Just different."
He looked at her skeptically, but she was already rushing off to change.
"Are the four of you always this weird?" he asked after a moment, getting up to follow Jen to the dining room.
She rolled her eyes, giving him an amused smile. "Yes. And just think: now you're one of us," she taunted.
He paused in mid-step, blinking. Something about that made him feel oddly ... warm.
It shouldn't. He was putting them all at risk by being here. Blakemore would have a fit once they found out he was gone, especially after realizing he was with the others. Things could only get worse from here.
"Alex?" Jen was watching him, frowning slightly. After a moment she reached out to catch his hand, giving a gentle tug. "Come on. You don't want to miss Papa's corn chowder," she told him with a warm smile.
"That's for sure!" Katie piped up, bounding around to his other side and catching his arm to help pull him along. "Trust me, it's *fantastic*."
... But somehow, he couldn't make himself care.
Fandom/: Power Rangers Time Force, slight crossover with S.P.D. (In Bright Skies universe)
Characters/: Alex
Pairings/: Alex/Jen, Lucas/Trip, Katie/OC, Wes/Eric
Rating/: T
Disclaimer/: Saban/Disney/Whoever sure didn't write *this* into the series. The plot comes purely from my own warped little mind, and the characters are merely borrowed from them for my own amusement. Lucky you.
Summary/: The legacy of Wesley Collins and Eric Myers didn't just affect the past - it affected the future. One thousand years after they became Rangers, one person is still struggling against the corruption of Time Force and the heritage he never wanted.
Warnings/: People used for scientific experimentation, corrupted Time Force, character with self-image issues
Author's Notes/: Alex's Nervous Breakdown continues, although this time it has Alex/Jen interaction, too. Apparently I enjoy causing the poor boy trauma. I is evil.
"We shouldn't have come here," Alex muttered, pacing Jen's bedroom before she'd even shut the door. "It's not safe."
"I feel safer here than I do at Time Force," she returned. "And I wouldn't put it past them to have surveillance on our rooms."
He paused at the thought, closing his eyes and turning to hit his head against the wall. "Thanks, Jen," he muttered irritably. "Now I'll never be able to sleep in my apartment again."
"You barely sleep as it is," Trip reminded him. "You're getting circles under your eyes."
He glanced at him, but Trip was still frowning. "You're not sleeping enough, Alex," he repeated. "And don't lie - I can tell."
It was hard not to demand to know why he cared.
"Alex, how long ago did Blakemore threaten you?" Katie asked suddenly, frowning at him.
He didn't threaten *me*, he wanted to say. I wouldn't care if it was me. Instead he just shrugged a little.
Jen's eyes narrowed as she folded her arms. "It happened the day I came to see you at your apartment last week, didn't it?" she demanded. "You said you'd been working but you weren't now, and you wouldn't tell me why."
Lucas studied him with a look he couldn't read. "And you've been avoiding us for a week," he commented pointedly.
He felt his jaw clench without meaning to, and moved to look out the room's window. For a moment, he entertained the thought of just ignoring them all. They were always ready to get of him when he started acting like a jerk. If he pushed just enough ...
A hand settled on his arm. He started wildly, spinning into a defensive stance, and glared. His breath was fast, and he could hear his heart pounding.
Jen stared at him, her eyes wide.
It took a moment for him to breathe deeply enough to calm, and his heart was still pounding as he forced himself to relax. "*Don't*. Sneak up on me," he warned her.
Her mouth worked soundlessly for a moment. "Alex ... " she whispered at last.
He took another deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment as he centered himself. They were all watching him when he opened them again, and he fought the urge to sigh. "What do you want me to say?" he asked finally, feeling defeated. Déja vu hit him - hadn't he already asked Jen that same question?
"The truth," Lucas retorted immediately.
He gave him a skeptical look and finally shook his head. "No, you don't. You just think you do."
"Don't tell us what we think, Alex," Katie told him, glaring as she moved closer. "We may not know you that well, but you don't know *us*, either."
He started to protest and frowned, thinking. He could recite statistics about each of them off the top of his head in an instant. He could tell them more about their morphers than *they* probably knew. He knew the things they'd told him, whether on purpose or not. What else *did* he know?
"I know the only thing more important to Katie than her family is Collins and the three of you, because she thinks of you *as* family," he said slowly. "I know that she's been worried because her brother Brett has been getting into trouble lately, and her parents don't know what to do with him. I know Lucas hates people telling him what to do without saying why - which actually makes me wonder why you ever joined Time Force. I know Jen. I know Trip tries so hard because he thinks he has something to prove." He swallowed without meaning to, and felt his eyes burn. "And I know that you all miss Wes more than you want to say in front of me."
It surprised him when it was Lucas who finally broke the long silence. "Then you should also know that we're worried about *you*," he informed him. He hesitated, sighed, and glanced away. "You're not the person I thought you were. And I'm starting to realize that."
Katie nodded quickly in agreement, moving even closer to slowly put a hand on his arm. "And we want to help you, Alex. We just need you to let us," she told him softly.
He glanced over at Trip, who gave him a rueful smile. "I've always been on your side," he said simply.
He felt his free hand being squeezed, and looked to Jen in surprise. She gave a tentative smile of her own that warmed a little as he stared at her. "I told you before. I just want to know the real you, Alex."
There was a lump in his throat he couldn't seem to swallow. Her eyes were hopeful as she watched him, and it was killing him. "There is no real me," he heard himself whisper. "There's just ... just .... "
"Just what?" Jen asked softly. The hope was fading to concern.
He swallowed again and blinked hard. "There's just the Red Ranger. That's all I've ever been."
"That's not true!" Trip blurted out, and he started at the sudden loud voice. "Alex ... " He faltered for a moment before his eyes narrowed in determination. "What's your favorite training sim?" he asked suddenly.
Alex frowned, startled by the question. "Guile."
"Where'd he come from? That’s not a normal sim." Trip pointed out.
"I hacked the system and created it based off a video game from the early 1990's." He ignored the incredulous looks Lucas and Katie were giving him.
"Why doesn't your car have a hover function?"
He scowled at him, because Trip already knew these answers. "It *does*. I never use it because most criminals expect to be attacked from the air, so their ground defense is weaker."
"Never thought of that," he heard Lucas mutter.
"And?" Trip persisted.
He shrugged. "And I like driving on the ground. It's the way crime prevention organizations functioned in the twentieth century."
"What sort of movies do you like?"
He sighed. "Early twentieth century science-fiction. Is this going somewhere?"
"Wes doesn't play video games," Trip informed him. "He likes driving his motorcycle better than cars, and his favorite movies are Westerns." He shook his head as Alex frowned. "You're *not* Wes, Alex. And you're not just the Red Ranger. Why would the Red Ranger care about movies and video games?"
Jen was starting to grin. "Why would the Red Ranger insist chivalry is archaic while he's still holding open doors for me? " she asked. "Why would he read history books for *fun*?"
He grit his teeth, shaking his head. "I know what you're trying to do. But you're *wrong*." He shook his head again, and felt a bitter smile cross his face. "I used to think that maybe I could exist without this morpher. That maybe I could be like everyone else. But it just comes back to me. And now ... " Another head shake, and a laugh bubbled up that sounded slightly hysterical. "And now if I don't play their little game and be the perfect solitary Red Ranger, they'll go after your families, too. Just like they went after Ben."
Katie's eyes widened. "Alex ... "
He kept shaking his head, laughing until his face felt wet. "All anyone will ever want me to be is Wesley Collins. And no matter how hard I try, I can't. I'm not him. I don't want to *be* him. And after everything I've done to the four of you ... " Another head shake. "I owe you all, so much. And no matter what I try to make it better it isn't good enough."
"Alex!"
It was hard to say whether it was the sharp sound of his name or Jen's arms around him that forced him to stop talking. He swallowed as his head was forced against her shoulder and she squeezed him tightly. "I couldn't protect Ben," he whispered finally. "The least I can do is protect the four of you."
"You're not a martyr, Alex," Jen said softly, and he felt fingers run through his hair. "No matter what they told you. You're not anyone else, and you're *not* anyone's replacement. You're *you*. That's all you ever need to be."
His eyes scrunched shut in a pathetic attempt to stop the tears. When had he gotten so weak? "What if being myself isn't enough?"
"It's *more* than enough." Her voice cracked slightly, and he felt a kiss pressed to his temple. "You don't need to be anyone but yourself, Alex. That's all I've - we've, ever wanted."
He didn't know how long they stayed like that. He was aware, distantly, that at some point he'd been maneuvered to sit down. Jen's arms never let go, and he didn't even try to move away. Her shoulder was wet where his face buried against it, but he couldn't find the will to care at the moment.
"If I could make them leave you all alone, I would," he croaked eventually.
"I won't let them hurt you again," she murmured back. Her hands continued to run through his hair, and there was another squeeze. "You're not alone anymore, Alex. I promise. We'll help you."
"Don't want you hurt."
"Then don't make me watch *you* be hurt," she retorted softly. "Because that hurts more than anything else they could do to me."
He frowned a little at that, slowly pulling away to sit up and look at her. She seemed reluctant to let go, but she met his eyes easily. "But ... you ... I don't - I don't understand." he muttered in confusion.
Her hands reached up to touch his cheeks, thumbs wiping away tears he didn't know he'd still been shedding. She leaned closer, her forehead resting against his. "I told you, Alex. I want you to be honest with me. I want the chance to love the bad things about you, not just the good."
He tried to shake his head, but her hands were still on his face, keeping him in place. "You ... you picked Wes. You wanted him. Not me."
She pulled back, her expression serious, and it hurt to lose that sense of closeness. "I do love Wes," she agreed solemnly.
He swore he *heard* his heart shatter.
But Jen's eyes were still staring into his, and he couldn't look away. "Wes is my best friend," she continued. "I love him because he taught me so much about being a Ranger, about being a *person*. He taught me how to laugh again. I'll never not care about him. But he's not *you*, Alex."
He started. "W-what?"
One of her thumbs started to stroke his cheek. "Wes isn't the person I want to marry. You are." She swallowed, and her smile was slightly shaky. "That is ... if you ... if you still want me."
He couldn't breathe. "You ... but I ... huh?" he finished weakly.
She burst into giggles; it was the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. Her eyes sparkled merrily, and he was mesmerized. "I love you, Alex." Her smile warmed. "I want to marry you. If you'll take me."
He shook his head slowly, still rattled and no closer to understanding than he'd been a moment ago. "But ... you and Wes ... I thought .... "
"Wes isn't you," she repeated. "I love him because of the things he taught me, because he's the best friend I've ever had. And I do miss him," she admitted. "How could I not? But Alex ... " She shook her head, eyes raising meeting his again. "Alex, you made me feel important. You made me ... special. I wouldn't be where I am now, *who* I am now, without you. And ... I don't want to be without you."
"I ... " He shook his head again, at last bringing up a hand to pinch his nose. "Jen, I don't ... I mean, I do love you. I never stopped. But I don't ... I don't know if I can do this again."
She nodded slowly, but he could see the hurt shining in her eyes. "I understand," she said softly.
"I'm not saying that I don't *want* ... something, between us," he rushed out, wanting that look to go away. "I just ... I don't know if I could handle it if you ... if you didn't ... "
"Alex," she cut in. "I understand." She gave a forced smile. "I can't expect you to just forgive me for hurting you."
"I want to," he muttered, feeling like a heel.
She shook her head, and her hands reached out to squeeze his. "Don't," she insisted. "You haven't done anything wrong. I'm serious!" she added when he snorted. "Maybe some things should have been done differently, but you're not the only one who could have made better decisions. I'm at fault here, too. We both have things to be sorry for."
Mine are a lot worse than yours, he mused bitterly, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.
A soft knock on the door startled them both into looking up, and Alex finally noticed that the other three had mysteriously disappeared at some point. Katie poked her head into the room, offering a bright smile. "Sorry to bug you two, but dinner's ready."
"We'll be right there," Jen promised.
She looked at him when the door closed again, giving a rueful smile. "You look terrible. Your eyes are all red." One of her hands reached up to run through his hair again, apparently attempting to smooth it out.
"How is it you always manage to turn me into a complete wreck?" he muttered, rubbing at his eyes. He glanced at her shoulder. "You may want to take off your jacket and run it through the refresher."
"Since when?" she demanded, giving him an exasperated look. She shrugged out of her jacket as she stood, moving to the dresser. "You're always perfectly composed."
"I am not," he retorted. "I just hide it well."
"Name *one* time that I turned you into a wreck," she insisted, setting out some clothes before turning to scowl at him, arms folded.
"The day I asked you out," he answered immediately. "Our first date. Meeting your parents. The day I asked you to ma - " He cut himself off, looking away uncomfortably. "It was more than once."
She grabbed the clothes and headed toward the adjacent bathroom, pausing to give him an odd look before searching the medicine cabinet. "Our first date was dinner and a movie. How did that turn you into a wreck?"
"I'd never eaten outside of the cafeteria before, and the only movies I watched were on Squad Nights," he returned. "I had no idea what I was doing."
She frowned a little, brightening as she located whatever she was looking for. "You could have fooled me."
"That was the point," he said wryly.
She turned to him and abruptly froze, eyes widening.
He frowned. "Jen? What's wrong?"
She blinked several times before she recovered. "I ... it's nothing. Here." She tossed a small bottle, and he caught it on reflex. "For your eyes," she explained before shutting the bathroom door.
He eyed the tiny bottle in his hand warily. As a rule, he disliked taking any sort of medication whenever possible. Other than the standard immunization shots the medical department gave every year - and even those he had to be forced into - he refused to take so much as an aspirin anymore. He never knew what sort of effects it would have, or if it was really what it said it was. But then, this *was* Jen.
He sighed, forcing himself to do it before he could change his mind. The drops burned a little, but he supposed that was to be expected. He blinked rapidly for a moment, and the pain was gone.
Jen emerged a moment later, her uniform in one hand. She'd changed into a pink T-shirt and jeans, leaving her hair around her shoulders. Seeing her out of Time Force gear was rare, and he tried not to be obvious as he took a moment to appreciate it.
"Here," he said after a pause, casually tossing the eye drops back. "Thanks."
"No problem," she dismissed easily. She paused to look him over, nodded once, and opened the bedroom door. "Hey, Katie! You want something to wear?"
"Ooh, yes," came the immediate response as she rushed into the room. "Get me *out* of this uniform."
Jen smiled wryly as she fished around, passing over some clothing. "You're just lucky I still have yellow," she teased.
"You're a lifesaver, Jen."
She shrugged lightly. "We'll have to find something for the guys after dinner."
"Definitely." Katie turned, caught sight of him, and paused much the way Jen had.
"What?" he demanded, getting irritated.
"Just ... not used to seeing your hair down," Katie said quickly, smiling at him. "You always gel it back."
He frowned a little, shrugging and resisting the urge to run a hand over it. "I didn't realize it looked that bad."
"Not bad," she assured him. "Just different."
He looked at her skeptically, but she was already rushing off to change.
"Are the four of you always this weird?" he asked after a moment, getting up to follow Jen to the dining room.
She rolled her eyes, giving him an amused smile. "Yes. And just think: now you're one of us," she taunted.
He paused in mid-step, blinking. Something about that made him feel oddly ... warm.
It shouldn't. He was putting them all at risk by being here. Blakemore would have a fit once they found out he was gone, especially after realizing he was with the others. Things could only get worse from here.
"Alex?" Jen was watching him, frowning slightly. After a moment she reached out to catch his hand, giving a gentle tug. "Come on. You don't want to miss Papa's corn chowder," she told him with a warm smile.
"That's for sure!" Katie piped up, bounding around to his other side and catching his arm to help pull him along. "Trust me, it's *fantastic*."
... But somehow, he couldn't make himself care.