And The Bible Didn't Mention Us (Not Even Once) [1/4]

[agirlnamedtruth]

Title: And The Bible Didn't Mention Us (Not Even Once)
Author: agirlnamedtruth
Artist: patriciatepes
Beta(s): xthursdaynextx
Pairing(s): Anna/Castiel (with mild background Dean/Castiel 'profound bond' and canon Anna/Dean scenes)
Rating: R
Word count: ~25k
Genres: Het, angst, canon manipulation and some pre-series Angel stuff.
Warnings: Descriptions of violence and character deaths, religious overtones and sexual content.

Summary: When it comes to things they aren’t meant to feel, Anna and Castiel are on the same path, they’re just traveling at different times.

Author’s Notes: I'd like to majorly thank xthursdaynextx for stepping in at the last minute to beta this fic, even though she was completely unfamiliar with the fandom.

Anna was sat under a tree in her favourite garden. And no, before you ask, it wasn’t that garden. She did this with all new recruits. It was her way of bringing them down from whatever previous, high-stress mission they’d been on. Because she always got the ones that were in need of a come down. She kept her garrison very informal and was used mainly as a PTSD therapist for every Angel that had seen too many battles and just wanted to lie low for a bit.

She knew why this was. It was because she was in charge of watching over the humans. And aside from the odd special one, mostly their job would be just that; watching. She rarely called on her soldiers to fight and she wouldn’t ask anything of them that she wouldn’t do herself. She was told it worked well for heaven too, because sooner or later they would get bored and come crawling back on hands and knees, begging for a real job.

The Angel she was expecting was young; he’d probably just been through his first battle. He’d probably never even seen Hell before and when he did, it would probably scar him beyond all repair. It usually did. For a while at least.

He was late. If one could be late with no sense of real time. Maybe it was just that she’d been here too long. Being up here made her anxious and without a vessel, she felt naked. Some said she’d been among the humans too long. She longed to be back with them.

Then suddenly, she wasn’t alone. She felt him before she saw him and she was almost taken aback by how young he felt. There was no real way of aging an Angel but sometimes you could feel the new ones, feel how they were still hopeful and naive. She heard the flutter of his wings behind her and turned. Anna didn’t stand, instead she gestured for him to sit.

“Castiel,” She said, just for formalities sake, she already knew he was who she was looking for.

“Yes,” he said and another wave of new washed over her. She wondered if he’d even seen a battle.

“I’m Anna. Please, join me.” She prompted him to sit again and this time he did, still with an air of uncertainty.

“I was sent...” he started and Anna cut him off with another hand gesture. Too many Angels came to her thinking that they were being punished.

“You weren’t sent, you were assigned to my garrison. Despite what people say, there is no shame in observing the humans and this isn’t a punishment.”

He looked uncertain again and she felt for him. “I didn’t...” He started and she cut him off again.

“Relax. I might be in charge but I’m not going to eat you. You are as much an Angel as I am, you should not be afraid to be in my presence.”

“Ok.” He nodded and looked at her expectantly. She wished he wouldn’t. But then he was an Angel, they had to look at someone expectantly because they didn’t know what else to do. She’d never been very good at it herself, which was probably why she was a leader.

“Ok. Now, let’s get some basics on file. Name: Castiel.” She filled in for him. “Preferred sex?”

He hesitated and Anna smiled at him. “Meaning: which gender vessel do you prefer to inhabit and what shall I address you as?”

“Oh. Male.”

“Male. Check. As you have probably gathered, I tend towards the female. Hence the common shortening to ‘Anna’. Do you have a vessel prepared or would you like us to prepare one for you?”

“I’ve never...left before.”

“Alright, we’ll sort something out for you. We can’t have you going around blinding people, can we?” She paused, looking at him out of the corner of her eyes. He’d never even been allowed out. She both pitied and envied him, he had so much to see.

She suddenly felt tense and nervous, like a child holding a newborn for the first time. He was her responsibility, it was up to her to mould him into heaven’s image (or her own, she whispered to herself, in that dark place she wouldn’t admit to having). It was up to her to take him under her wing and teach him what it meant to be an Angel (and what horrible fate he was now beholden to). She shook her head, clearing her mind of these unbidden thoughts.

Still, she couldn’t let his first experience of humanity and Earth be on some mission. The rest of the formalities could wait.

“How would you like to see our Father’s creation?” She asked him and for once he didn’t look uncertain or nervous, he looked her straight in the eyes and nodded. Her breath caught in her throat, another, different type of unwelcome thought rising in her mind; what beautiful eyes he had.

-x-
On her first trip to Earth she’d felt like a kid being dragged through a museum and told they couldn’t stop to look at anything. She had so many questions but nobody had the time or the desire to answer them. She was told to be quiet and watch God’s work.

She was brought into a dwelling and made to kneel and pray for this child of fate that they were about to communicate with. She looked up and around while her brothers and sisters bowed their heads.

Each one of them had special ranks and special titles acquired because of what they did best, their specialist skill. She looked at each one of them; Elijah (of innocence), Sachael (of purity), Anahita (of fertility), Lailah (of conception) and Pistis Sophia (of creation). Gabriel (the messenger) was still standing, elevated above them all in status and rank. Their names and titles echoed around her head like they were mocking her. She’d never left heaven, she’d never done anything of note, she hadn’t earned her title yet. She was Ananchel of nothing. She felt like a child amongst them, not worthy of this privilege.

She watched, still overwhelmed and embittered by her placement, as the girl they were seeking came into Gabriel’s light. She looked like little more than a child in Anna’s eyes. Gabriel delivered his message, whatever it was that they weren’t allowed to hear, and a look of fear and confusion passed over the girl’s face. Anna’s heart went out to the child, something she wasn’t aware of yet as being wrong. She got to her feet and reached out a hand, unable to move any further because she was not a messenger, she was meant to go unnoticed, unseen.

“It’ll be ok,” she whispered, her hand seeping light from it, passing through Gabriel’s own light to weave its way around the frightened child. “Everything’s going to be ok.”

To her shock the girl seemed to recover, smiling and becoming more sure of herself.

Once they were done, Anna was rushed back to heaven, not allowed to stay behind with the other Angels but kept in solitude. She wanted to kick and scream and shout her way out but she knew that would land her in more trouble.

Eventually she was joined by four older Angels, each one carrying that weary look they grew over time. They didn’t introduce themselves but Anna recognized Gabriel from before. She was told later that these were the Archangels. One of them turned to her and placed a hand to her chest. Her grace seemed to rise to the surface and glow against her skin.

“You are Ananchel; Angel of Grace,” she said, pushing her grace back into her until she saw white behind her eyes.

“Thank you,” she said shakily, knowing she’d earned something more than a title.

-x-

Anna shook her head, clearing her mind of the memory. It had been the first time she felt she belonged in heaven and it made her sad because she hadn’t felt like that since. As soon as she was put back with the other Angels of her age and rank, they began to make fun of her, calling her human and laughing at how she had an open heart. They told her Angels weren’t meant to have open hearts and that she couldn’t really be an Angel.

She shook her head again; she was above that now and above them. Below almost four centuries had passed since that day and she didn’t know where to begin counting the passage of time in heaven but it had been a while.

She chose vessels for Castiel and herself from the many they had on standby. Angels usually felt most comfortable with a constant vessel, one they had obtained consent from themselves. But there were a few, like her that didn’t. She felt that claiming a vessel for life, or at least until it was destroyed, was a terrible cruelty to the human that you were sharing it with. So she used what she’d had come to refer to as ‘stock vessels’. They were also perfect in a situation like Castiel’s, where he’d never had the chance to seek his own. This way you just borrowed them and then returned them to themselves when you were done. Anyone who’d ever claimed to serve heaven was a possible candidate for that. They really should read the fine print, Anna thought, looking over a brother and sister in Rome. They would do. She’d already been told her next mission, it would take place this afternoon there and she told herself she was only bending the rules by going there early and taking him with her.

“Ready?” She asked, unfolding her wings for the first time in Castiel’s presence.

He didn’t answer straight away, he just stared at her wings. She didn’t blame him, they were unusual. They weren’t black or white or some grey in between like most others, they were enflamed red, like wine that had been watered down. She shook them self-consciously and made him blink. He unfolded his and they were pure black, like those of a raven or some similar bird.

“Alright then,” she said and took his hand, smiling nervously. “Don’t let go or you might end up somewhere you don’t want to be,” she said by way of explanation, making him grip her hand tighter before they descended. Soon enough she’d teach him how to fly to Earth properly, on his own, but not yet.

-x-

When they landed, it was no more than a ruffle of feathers and nobody but the two people they landed in seemed to notice.

“How does it feel?” Anna asked, knowing from experience that he’d have a million questions that he’d be too scared to ask.

“Unnatural,” Castiel said and Anna laughed.

The shoulders of his vessel rotated like he was trying to make his wings sit comfortably inside them. It was a hard skill to learn, she had to admit. Even if he were to keep them unbound, they’d be nothing more than shadow and light, it was one of the compromises made in order to walk amongst the humans.

“You’ll get used to it. It’s better if you can find a vessel of your own,” she said, mildly annoyed at herself for promoting the idea but knowing it was the truth.

“I’ll bear that in mind,” he said, looking uncomfortable at the idea. She smiled, proud of him.

She steered them over to a low wall so they could sit, watching over the busy Forum.

“So,” she started, trying to prompt his questions. He still didn’t rise to the bait. “Isn’t there anything you want to know?”

He paused, thinking it over and then finally said “Why do we have to watch them? I thought they had free will.”

Anna considered his question, it was a good one. “I suppose, we have to make sure their free will its in with the Divine Plan.”

“If that’s true then why give them free will?”

“Because without it, what would be the point?” Anna asked, voicing something she’d secretly thought for a long time; without free will, what was the point of them?

“I don’t know,” he said, with that mild resignation she’d always carried with her. She felt bad for inflicting that on him so early.

“Some people are very important and we have to make sure they make the most of their destiny. For example, it wouldn’t do to have Jesus accidentally hammer a nail through his own hand in his early stages of carpentry.” Castiel looked at her shocked, probably thinking she was close to blaspheming. “It very nearly happened and what would have become of stigmata then?” This time she knew she was close to blaspheming but it didn’t matter because he smiled.

“What are the rules?” He asked and Anna felt like rolling her eyes, it was another one of those things that every Angel did, asked what the rules were, so that they could start following them as soon as possible.

“They’re pretty much what you’d expect. Don’t question your orders, they are the orders of God. Don’t develop emotions and under no circumstances ever have doubts.” She wanted to add and never, ever think for yourself.

Castiel nodded, no doubt everyone he’d ever spoken to had told him this.

“Then there are the human specific ones. Don’t let yourself be seen except when sanctioned. Don’t interfere unless sanctioned. Don’t do anything unless it’s sanctioned, basically,” Anna continued.

He nodded again, all of his concentration going on listening and recording what she was saying in his memory.

“There are some special cases in which we can reveal ourselves and interfere but these are few and far between, mostly we bear witness and report back to heaven.” She sighed, knowing the inevitable was about to happen.

“That doesn’t sound very interesting,” he said. And there it was.

“It’s more interesting than you’d think. People really are amazing. They feel. They feel everything. They can hunger and thirst and lust and love and be jealous and angry and happy and sad.” She stopped herself short, realising she was getting carried away.

“And we’re not allowed to feel any of that?” Castiel asked. Anna marked his use of words, most Angels said they couldn’t feel any emotions.

“No.” She lowered her head.

“How do we know if we are feeling them? How do we stop ourselves?”

“It depends on the feeling. We’ll never feel hunger or thirst because we don’t eat or drink, we are not dependant on chemical energy like they are.”

“That sounds like a good thing.”

“I suppose it is,” Anna conceded. “But happiness and sadness, anger, jealousy, they are all things we should be able to feel, but all too often we can’t because we don’t understand them and we’re not allowed to ask.”

“What about lust and love?” Castiel asked.

“Love,” she repeated. “I used to think that was the point of us, to be creatures of great love but every time I try to tell them this, they convince me I’m wrong.” She didn’t tell him about Heaven’s methods of persuasion; hopefully he’d never know what they were.

“And lust or acts of love are completely forbidden,” she continued. “It is the source of all we see here but we are not allowed to experience it, not with them and not with each other. They say committing acts of love make it easier for us to feel emotions, which lead to doubts. It’s because of that rule that many consider falling.”

Castiel looked at her and then back at the people, probably wondering why any Angel would fall for them, but they did, sometimes in droves. He didn’t say anything so she continued.

“They also say things about sacredness and purity but if that’s not true of them, why should it be true of us? They are just as much our Father’s creation as we are.” She sighed again, realising that she’d been far too open with this new one, she’d let her guard down because he hadn’t had all these prejudices burned into him yet. He could still turn her over.

He looked at her, his head leaning to one side as if looking at her from that angle would somehow make her easier to understand. “I...” he started.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything. I know I shouldn’t have said all that. Just forget it,” she said, knowing that for better or worse, he wouldn’t forget it. “Come on, we’ve got somewhere to be.”

-x-

Anna stayed leader of her garrison and Angels moved in and out of it like amphibians in water. Somewhere along the line, over a millennia had passed below since she first met Castiel but it didn’t feel like that to her.

He came and went between battles and service to the courts of heaven. She didn’t have the aptitude for either of those things. She didn’t have enough righteous fury in her to be a warrior and she couldn’t bear to inflict suffering on others unlike some Angels. She liked to think he came back to her, or rather her garrison, when he felt he was losing himself to the mindless obedience of being either of those but in her heart she knew, like everyone else, he just wanted a break from the bloodshed.

She was under her tree, still using it for the same purpose when he approached her.

“Castiel!” She said, standing and embracing him. She hadn’t been told who she would be seeing but she could have picked him out from a crowd blindfolded had she been asked to.

“Anna.” He said, vaguely hugging her back. He’d always been oddly wary of too much physical contact. Maybe he’d taken their first meeting too much to heart.

“I’ve told them before, you don’t need to go through the formal interview every time.” She said by way of apology before sitting down. He sat immediately, highlighting how he’d changed over the years.

“So they tell me but I’ve grown to like them.” He smiled but she honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not.

“How long’s it been?” She asked, dreading the answer. Centuries seemed to pass between them as easily as days did for mortals. The last time he’d left the garrison, he’d promised to keep it touch. So had she. Neither had, but then again they never did.

“A hundred and ten, maybe a hundred and twenty years,” he answered and she winced.

“Have you been fighting all this time?”

“Courts of law. So many people are caught up in this divide between these two new factions in Europe. Angels are falling left, right and center because they can’t stop the humans from persecuting each other and then we have to decide if we let them fall.”

“I’m having the same problem. Our work load has doubled trying to keep track of who can kill who and who must be saved. You wouldn’t think they were all worshipping the same God. I don’t even want to think about this new ‘witch’ thing they’ve started. I bet someone is regretting giving them fire now.”

“That’s the problem with free will.” Castiel said, looking at her sideways, he knew what was coming.

“But what would be the point without it?” Anna said, obliging him. She wasn’t even sure she believed that anymore. She was running out of things she did believe in. “Do you remember the day we were witness to the creation of Damasus’ bible. The Greeks accepted that easier than this whole ‘divorce’ thing.”

“I remember. It was my first time.”

“Yeah. You weren’t even meant to come. Don’t ever tell anyone about it,” she said dramatically, her warning over a thousand years late.

“I was too scared to speak back then. The way you painted it, we couldn’t say anything without it being against the rules.”

“We still can’t.” Anna said, now much freer with how she spoke around him, knowing she could trust him.

“We can. We just don’t have doubts or emotions.”

“I’d say that’s a pretty large part of ‘everything’.” Anna said, wondering when he’s started saying he didn’t have emotions rather than he couldn’t have them.

“It’s an easy sacrifice.”

“How do you know? You’ve never had them.” She countered.

“That must make it even easier to be without them.”

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Anna quoted at him, a human saying she’d picked up.

“I would sooner not have to lose anyone,” he said and she conceded, letting him win this one.

-x-

He eventually went back to some battle or other. At some point, he heard that Lucifer had been put in a cage in Hell and was bound there. After rumours of that had died down he returned, once again seeking the peace of Anna’s Garrison.

“She’s late.” He said mostly to himself, sitting down under the tree and waiting for her.

After a while he felt her presence and then he spotted her, the glow of red amongst the other dull colours. He’d never said it but he envied her wings. She disappeared and reappeared beside him.

“I’m sorry Cas, you’ll never believe what the humans are doing,” she muttered.

“I’ve heard,” he replied. “They seem to have more wars than we do.”

“Let’s go for a walk,” she suggested, not liking how many Angels were in what she’d come to consider her garden. They didn’t know what to do with themselves at the moment, more and more people were losing faith or abandoning entirely to commit terrible atrocities and aside from the select few, all they could do was sit and wait for them to stop.

They walked, exchanging pleasantries and small talk until they found somewhere away from earshot. It wasn’t that they had anything to hide; it was just being alone like this, Anna felt free to be honest and completely herself. Well, maybe not completely herself but more so than she was with any other Angel. They found themselves in another garden, this one darker and more overgrown but she still liked it.

“I’m worried, Cas.” Anna said finally. “No-one has heard from God in decades, all we get is second hand messages from Joshua and now their world is falling apart around them.”

Castiel put a hand on her arm and steered her over to a tree. “Anna, you have to be more careful than this. Especially if you’re worried. We’re not meant to feel anything. We’re not meant to worry; it’s too close to doubt.”

“Meant to? Does that mean you feel it too?” She asked, not caring for half-secrets and omissions of truth anymore.

“Of course not, I’m an Angel, I feel nothing.” He answered, looking at her and tightening his hand on her arm in an attempt to get her to come to her senses.

“No, Cas, that’s what they want you to think! I’m an Angel and I feel.”

“Be quiet!” Castiel urged her, not for his sake but for hers.

“No, I’m done with this bullshit. I feel. I feel! I feel happy that you’re coming back to me. I feel sad that you will eventually leave again. I feel angry at this damned system we are forced into!” Castiel attempted to cover her mouth with his hand and she pulled it off again “I feel love for you, Castiel. I feel envious of the humans because they are allowed to feel. I feel everything and I cannot be the only one.”

Anna had more she wanted to say but Castiel had covered her mouth with his own and that stopped her dead in her tracks. He reeled back as soon as he realised what he had done.

“What are you doing?” she asked, incredulously. There she’d been making a speech about the rules and then he goes and actually breaks one of them.

“I don’t know. I just...had to shut you up. I’m sorry.”

“Cas...” Anna started but was cut off by the flutter of wings. He’d gone. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the tree with a sigh.

-x-

Thirty years passed on Earth below her. It was nothing to her; she didn’t care about that anymore. If she’d thought she’d felt things before that day with Cas in the forest, then talking about it had made it a thousand times worse. Now it was always on the tip of her tongue, tormenting her, the words she’d said echoing inside her head. It had just about driven her insane. Especially that one thing that she hadn’t even known she was feeling. I feel love for you, Castiel. She hadn’t even noticed what she’d said until after he’d left. That combined with the way that every worry, every doubt disappeared from her for that second in which he’d broken that one rule. The rule that she’d been thinking about ever since.

She cleared the garden, pulling rank for the first time in her life. Then she sat below her tree, their tree and did something she never thought she’d ever do. She prayed. She prayed directly for him, for Castiel (of temperance, of solitude, of tears and of Thursday). She took a moment to wonder how he’d racked up four titles and what he’d done to get them. She didn’t even want to think about some of them.

“Are you aware that you end your prayers Ananchel of Grace, like you’re writing a letter.”

“Castiel.” She wanted to get to her feet and embrace him but she held herself back in case he disappeared again. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve not done this before,” she admitted. She didn’t know if that was considered a sin or not but it seemed everything was a sin these days.

“You were the last person I expected to pray for me,” he said, sitting beside her. If he hadn’t insisted he felt nothing, she would have said he felt guilt in that moment.

“Do you remember that first day in Rome, witnessing...”

“...Damasus create his new bible? Yes because you bring it up every time I see you,” he interrupted.

“Well, I said to you that many an Angel had considered falling for that last rule.”

“Love?”

“More or less.” She nodded. “Well, since then 200 Angels have fallen for love.”

“I know, I presided over their trial. The Watchers we called them.”

“And why were they called that?” Anna asked, already knowing the answer.

“Because they watched the humans too long and became too much like them.” He stopped and looked at her. “Are you saying you want to fall?”

“No. Of course I don’t want to fall. But I don’t want to keep living like this, like dogs to one grand master. If we’re not supposed to feel things, why give us the ability to? It’s nothing short of torture,” she said, tears coming unbidden to her eyes.

“He didn’t,” Castiel said quietly.

“Stop it Cas, you know as well as I, we can feel, if we want to.”

“You might be able to but the rest of us can’t.” He said and she could tell from the mildest shade of regret in his voice, he believed it to be true and he wasn’t completely happy about it.

“There was a time when you could. I could see it, I could feel it inside you. You were different.” She wanted to point out that even in saying he didn’t feel anything, there had been the barest hint of emotion but she didn’t, there was no point if he wouldn’t see it.

“I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to leave here, I don’t want to leave you, Cas.” She raised her hand to touch his face, right by those bright blue eyes and he didn’t stop her.

“Then don’t.” He said it as if it was the simplest thing in the world and for that second, she could see him like he was when they first met. Uncertain and so young, he was only three centuries below younger than her but back then it seemed such a difference.

“I think I love you, Cas,” she said finally, giving a voice to the something she hadn’t known she had been feeling all these years.

“You once said that Angels were meant to be creatures of great love.”

“No, Castiel, I mean I love you. In all the ways we’re not meant to.” She leaned forward on her knees and caught his mouth with hers, just for a second, just like he had done with hers in the other garden. “That’s how I love you.”

“Anna...” He started but he didn’t move away, he just sat, looking at her expectantly like all Angels did when they didn’t know what else to do. She kissed him again, this time like the humans kissed. She pressed her body into his, closing her eyes and opening her mouth, breathing him in.

It took longer than she expected but eventually she felt his hand on her, pushing her back.

“You cannot make me feel.” He said, which was more devastating to her than if he’d handed her over for breaking the rules. Torture under heaven’s hands didn’t hurt as much as those five words and the way they were said. She unfolded her wings and flung herself into the furthest corner of heaven, where she knew he wouldn’t find her, even if he tried.

-x-

She sat there for hours, asking herself what she had in heaven that was so worth hanging onto. It used to be Castiel but now even that had become forbidden.

She looked down at the humans and for the first time in her life wondered whether she would she be better off without these emotions that were plaguing her.

Tears rose in her eyes again. She would miss him. She’d put his name forward to lead the garrison should she wish to retire. They hadn’t realised that when she said retire, she meant permanently. Heaven was the original Hotel California.

She looked down at herself, her true form felt less hers, than any borrowed vessel did. She put a hand to her chest, feeling her grace reach out of her body as mist and glowing light, its tendrils wrapping themselves around her fingers, curling itself around her hand.

This had been what she’d been named for, Ananchel; Angel of Grace. She looked at it like some foreign creature, it wasn’t even a part of her anymore, it was just something that had taken up residence in her being and she’d never had the heart to evict it.

It was time that changed; she thought to herself defiantly, flinging it as far from her as she could before she erupted into light, her being following her grace down to Earth, thankfully, irreparably and finally separated from it.

-x-

PART 2...