fic: regrets collect like old friends (rachel, pg)
Title: regrets collect like old friends
Pairing/Characters: Rachel (background Finn, Quinn, Puck, Finn/Rachel, Kurt/Blaine)
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,000
Spoilers: through 3x18; everything else is pure conjecture
Summary: The biggest tragedy of the class of 2012 won't be found in the memorial pages of any Thunderclap.
The biggest tragedy of the class of 2012 won't be found in the memorial pages of any Thunderclap, but in the insignificance of Rachel Berry's life.
Which, if you think about it (and she does, often), is almost impressive.
(It was never meant to be her).
It could've been Quinn so easily; the pregnant Chastity Club president, the head cheerleader who got thrown out of home, the girl who tried to steal her own daughter, pink hair and bad tattoos and men old enough to be her father, an accident Rachel still hasn't forgiven herself for (but Quinn gets out - out of her chair and out of Lima; she walks the halls of Yale and sends Beth a birthday present every year and after a year of being single, of what she calls "finding herself", gets engaged to an age-appropriate law student she'll never bring back to Ohio).
And if not Quinn, then Puck, god; Puck, who slept with at least one teacher and knocked up his best friend's girlfriend, who went to juvie and had less than two hundred dollars to his name when he moved to LA, whose pool cleaning business went under in less than a month (but somehow, somehow, he ends up playing in a band, just for fun, does a bit of construction work while he figures stuff out, stays out of jail, and at Beth's eighth birthday party, Quinn will curl her hand around his elbow and murmur, in a voice he remembers, "I'm sorry I called you a Lima Loser," and they'll both laugh, fond and a little nostalgic).
And if not them, then take your pick - their graduating class boasts a boy voted Prom Queen in his junior year, will be remembered for the class president who flunked out of senior year and was responsible for at least two riots and one small fire.
But Rachel Berry is the biggest disappointment.
She gives her Nationals solo to Tina and says it's because she's had so many over the years, but the others looks at her with knowing eyes and sad smiles, and everyone in the room knows it's because she's scared, too scared (it's too much pressure and much too soon; she hasn't sung properly since her audition, her nerves are strangling her and this, Nationals - she can't. It wasn't so long ago that everyone hated her; she still remembers what that feels like, is still enchanted by the newness of real friends and can't, won't, finish the high school the same lonely way she started it).
They place sixth, which would've been pretty damn awesome, any other year.
She marries Finn the week Kurt leaves for New York, marries him with just their parents present, no friends or flowers or stupid pink dresses.
(She wears the black dress she wore to her NYADA audition and Finn asks her, with surprisingly perceptiveness, over and over, if she's sure she wants to do this now, until her cheeks ache with her frozen smile and she clutches his hand so tightly she must be hurting him).
She signs the marriage license and - for the first time she can remember - doesn't add a gold star
(gold stars are for silly little girls, silly little girls who think their dreams might actually come true, and Rachel Hudson is none of those things).
She marries Finn, no-one nearly dies, and life goes on.
Mr. Schue asks her to help out with glee club, and because she knows exactly what he's doing, she says no
(she sees herself in his forgotten dreams and small life and hates, so much, that he does, too).
It's OK, her dads tell her, to stay at home for a year. You can work, save some money for New York
(they still believe, believe in her, and she lets them).
There are other ways, they tell her, It doesn't have to be NYADA
(but there aren't, and it did).
Finn picks up more work with Burt, and she kisses him, whispering Congratulations, congratulations, against his lips
(but it was never meant to be like this).
Kurt emails and calls and texts for the first few months, but it's too hard, it's too hard for him not to talk about NYADA and New York and singing, and it's too hard for her to pretend to be happy, and it's a relief for both of them when the contact dwindles.
She does fly out for his mid-year show, though. Fingers laced with Blaine's, Kurt shows them his dorm room, quickly (which was never the plan; it was meant to be a small apartment - crappy, yes, but hers and Finn's and Kurt's, until Blaine joined them, and her fingernails are digging into the back of Finn's hand so hard).
She lasts until intermission; she tells Finn she's just going to freshen up, but she walks out the front doors and doesn't look back, sits on the edge of a water fountain until the show ends and the others find her. Carole says only, Oh, honey, as she rubs her back, and Rachel plays with a button on her coat while they wait for Kurt (Kurt and his bright eyes and flushed cheeks and flowers from Blaine clutched tight in his hand; Kurt, who talks a mile a minute about who did well and who didn't while everyone looks on, so proud, and Kurt turns to her suddenly, looks her directly in the eyes and says he wishes she'd been up there with him and her lips twist up a little into what she hopes is a smile).
Everyone's gentle with her on the flight home; Blaine starts up a conversation with Finn about football to break the silence, and she slips on her eye mask and blocks out the world.
(Finn doesn't ask if she wants to go to the end-of-year show, when the time comes, and for that, she's grateful)
Rachel Berry is possibly the most talented - definitely the most driven - student to grace the halls of McKinley in years, but she never makes it out of Ohio, never sings on Broadway and never dreams quite as big again
(and that is, perhaps, the biggest tragedy of all).
Disclaimer: Glee is owned by Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, FOX et al.
Pairing/Characters: Rachel (background Finn, Quinn, Puck, Finn/Rachel, Kurt/Blaine)
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,000
Spoilers: through 3x18; everything else is pure conjecture
Summary: The biggest tragedy of the class of 2012 won't be found in the memorial pages of any Thunderclap.
The biggest tragedy of the class of 2012 won't be found in the memorial pages of any Thunderclap, but in the insignificance of Rachel Berry's life.
Which, if you think about it (and she does, often), is almost impressive.
(It was never meant to be her).
It could've been Quinn so easily; the pregnant Chastity Club president, the head cheerleader who got thrown out of home, the girl who tried to steal her own daughter, pink hair and bad tattoos and men old enough to be her father, an accident Rachel still hasn't forgiven herself for (but Quinn gets out - out of her chair and out of Lima; she walks the halls of Yale and sends Beth a birthday present every year and after a year of being single, of what she calls "finding herself", gets engaged to an age-appropriate law student she'll never bring back to Ohio).
And if not Quinn, then Puck, god; Puck, who slept with at least one teacher and knocked up his best friend's girlfriend, who went to juvie and had less than two hundred dollars to his name when he moved to LA, whose pool cleaning business went under in less than a month (but somehow, somehow, he ends up playing in a band, just for fun, does a bit of construction work while he figures stuff out, stays out of jail, and at Beth's eighth birthday party, Quinn will curl her hand around his elbow and murmur, in a voice he remembers, "I'm sorry I called you a Lima Loser," and they'll both laugh, fond and a little nostalgic).
And if not them, then take your pick - their graduating class boasts a boy voted Prom Queen in his junior year, will be remembered for the class president who flunked out of senior year and was responsible for at least two riots and one small fire.
But Rachel Berry is the biggest disappointment.
She gives her Nationals solo to Tina and says it's because she's had so many over the years, but the others looks at her with knowing eyes and sad smiles, and everyone in the room knows it's because she's scared, too scared (it's too much pressure and much too soon; she hasn't sung properly since her audition, her nerves are strangling her and this, Nationals - she can't. It wasn't so long ago that everyone hated her; she still remembers what that feels like, is still enchanted by the newness of real friends and can't, won't, finish the high school the same lonely way she started it).
They place sixth, which would've been pretty damn awesome, any other year.
She marries Finn the week Kurt leaves for New York, marries him with just their parents present, no friends or flowers or stupid pink dresses.
(She wears the black dress she wore to her NYADA audition and Finn asks her, with surprisingly perceptiveness, over and over, if she's sure she wants to do this now, until her cheeks ache with her frozen smile and she clutches his hand so tightly she must be hurting him).
She signs the marriage license and - for the first time she can remember - doesn't add a gold star
(gold stars are for silly little girls, silly little girls who think their dreams might actually come true, and Rachel Hudson is none of those things).
She marries Finn, no-one nearly dies, and life goes on.
Mr. Schue asks her to help out with glee club, and because she knows exactly what he's doing, she says no
(she sees herself in his forgotten dreams and small life and hates, so much, that he does, too).
It's OK, her dads tell her, to stay at home for a year. You can work, save some money for New York
(they still believe, believe in her, and she lets them).
There are other ways, they tell her, It doesn't have to be NYADA
(but there aren't, and it did).
Finn picks up more work with Burt, and she kisses him, whispering Congratulations, congratulations, against his lips
(but it was never meant to be like this).
Kurt emails and calls and texts for the first few months, but it's too hard, it's too hard for him not to talk about NYADA and New York and singing, and it's too hard for her to pretend to be happy, and it's a relief for both of them when the contact dwindles.
She does fly out for his mid-year show, though. Fingers laced with Blaine's, Kurt shows them his dorm room, quickly (which was never the plan; it was meant to be a small apartment - crappy, yes, but hers and Finn's and Kurt's, until Blaine joined them, and her fingernails are digging into the back of Finn's hand so hard).
She lasts until intermission; she tells Finn she's just going to freshen up, but she walks out the front doors and doesn't look back, sits on the edge of a water fountain until the show ends and the others find her. Carole says only, Oh, honey, as she rubs her back, and Rachel plays with a button on her coat while they wait for Kurt (Kurt and his bright eyes and flushed cheeks and flowers from Blaine clutched tight in his hand; Kurt, who talks a mile a minute about who did well and who didn't while everyone looks on, so proud, and Kurt turns to her suddenly, looks her directly in the eyes and says he wishes she'd been up there with him and her lips twist up a little into what she hopes is a smile).
Everyone's gentle with her on the flight home; Blaine starts up a conversation with Finn about football to break the silence, and she slips on her eye mask and blocks out the world.
(Finn doesn't ask if she wants to go to the end-of-year show, when the time comes, and for that, she's grateful)
Rachel Berry is possibly the most talented - definitely the most driven - student to grace the halls of McKinley in years, but she never makes it out of Ohio, never sings on Broadway and never dreams quite as big again
(and that is, perhaps, the biggest tragedy of all).
Disclaimer: Glee is owned by Ryan Murphy, Ian Brennan, Brad Falchuk, FOX et al.