I will definitely have to re-read the whole story at some point. While I can certainly understand why you left this alone for a while, as a reader it is a bit difficult to not feel a bit disjointed. I think I need to refresh my memory of how the story was proceeding before offering any real criticism.
That said, the above chapter works well. The dialogue comes across very natural and well-paced.
If I may humbly point out a small but persistent grammatical error:
When a character addresses another character and names them (by actual name or pronoun) at the end of the sentence, there should be a comma before the person's name. I always get tripped up by that particular rule, so don't feel too bad about it. It feels very unnatural when writing it, I know. I try to remind myself by rearranging the sentence so that the name/pronoun is at the beginning. Makes more sense that there should be a comma when seen that way *shrug*.
Yeah I'm horrible about punctuation. I would have caught that stuff with my first edit, however. Especially with my grammar nazi mom reading over my shoulder. Haha.
Thanks so much for the help doll. I appreciate it. *muah*
You know, come to think of it, I think there might be a comma before and after too, also.
“Always a pleasure to see you again too, Cal.”
God, how I hate commas. We need to just extricate them from the language altogether. Bastards. Replace you all with periods and exclamation marks, dammit!
I'm still impressed by this story. It's very real, not something polished up and set in a display case, and I like that a lot about your story. I look forward to reading much more of it. I'm very glad you were able to get past your "writer's block".
looking forward to the zombies... there are zombies, right?? ;)
i like where it's going. i think cal should be randomly gay. like the cop in boondock saints. i think it adds a lot. or that feinsburg guy; him and cal should have a past relationship. that'd rock.
You're really hitting your stride. I'll admit to not having remembered some of the aspects of the story (I *will* be going back and re-reading) but your dialog is really, really good. Visually, like w/ the parts previous, it works. I see it like I would a movie.
Only part that thew me for a loop was the exchange between the Billy and Joel. One second they come across as cold, immature punks, and the next they are saying things like, "demise". No matter, I suppose whatever they have cooking allows them room to act/talk however they wish. Clearly it's something big.
"not to mention he had the confidence of a mouse caught under a cat’s paw."
Well they do have scholarships to college, they have to maintain -some- sort of intelligence, even if they're sports scholarships. I didn't think demise was that big of word for them. But perhaps a different word would suffice.
I'm so glad you caught that analogy. That was my favorite line of this part. Great minds think alike.
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I will definitely have to re-read the whole story at some point. While I can certainly understand why you left this alone for a while, as a reader it is a bit difficult to not feel a bit disjointed. I think I need to refresh my memory of how the story was proceeding before offering any real criticism.
That said, the above chapter works well. The dialogue comes across very natural and well-paced.
If I may humbly point out a small but persistent grammatical error:
When a character addresses another character and names them (by actual name or pronoun) at the end of the sentence, there should be a comma before the person's name. I always get tripped up by that particular rule, so don't feel too bad about it. It feels very unnatural when writing it, I know. I try to remind myself by rearranging the sentence so that the name/pronoun is at the beginning. Makes more sense that there should be a comma when seen that way *shrug*.
For example:
“So how do you and Cal know each other sir?”
should read:
“So how do you and Cal ( ... )
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Thanks so much for the help doll. I appreciate it. *muah*
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“Always a pleasure to see you again too, Cal.”
God, how I hate commas. We need to just extricate them from the language altogether. Bastards. Replace you all with periods and exclamation marks, dammit!
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there are zombies, right?? ;)
i like where it's going. i think cal should be randomly gay. like the cop in boondock saints. i think it adds a lot. or that feinsburg guy; him and cal should have a past relationship. that'd rock.
you know what else rocks?
crack.
crack rocks!!
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Only part that thew me for a loop was the exchange between the Billy and Joel. One second they come across as cold, immature punks, and the next they are saying things like, "demise". No matter, I suppose whatever they have cooking allows them room to act/talk however they wish. Clearly it's something big.
"not to mention he had the confidence of a mouse caught under a cat’s paw."
That kicked ass.
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I'm so glad you caught that analogy. That was my favorite line of this part. Great minds think alike.
Thanks for the feedback test bunny. *muah*
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