[fic] colorblind. the o.c., summer/marissa
title: colorblind
fandom: the o.c.
pairing: summer/marissa
warnings/notes: FINALE SPOILERS. nothing else, except that the style is um weird.
i love you like a brother
and i love you like a child
and i love you like a lover
and i love you dumb and colorblind
-the dresden dolls, 'colorblind'
She couldn’t think. The first thing that Summer thought was that she couldn’t think. She couldn’t think because the things she was hearing were not making sense and Seth was beside her and was giving her a very regular blankstare and she did not feel this was appropriate and she felt he should look more bewildered and defiant and the exact emotions she was really feeling.
Her brain would not think them and the emotions would not transfer onto her face. A numb part of her continued to deny that she must have the same blankstare because she couldn’t. That was Cohen. Cohen. Cohen. Cohen was right, and that was okay because he was what was supposed to happen.
She had not slept in days, which was very unlike her. And when she was alone she found she did not want to think and so Cohen was there. And around Seth she could say things like why didn't I tell her I loved her and he wouldn't bat an eyelash but he would give her a blankstare. Okay.
What if she had known. What would she have done. Period. It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t worth considering because it wasn’t real. It was multicolored and lurid and RAINBOWS and something she may or may not have started to dream about and
(slept like a baby)
She only started sobbing at the wake. It hadn’t really happened, no. It wasn’t that. But she found herself staring at an oblong box that did not belong with Marissa but Marissa was there. And this was about the flowers. The way they were arranged suddenly irritated her and it was suddenly irritating that they had chosen multicolored flowers because they did not belong here. This wasn’t the rainbow. Later on she might have remembered screaming inside YES MARISSA I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS. She didn’t remember giving a speech.
Summer started sobbing. It was irritating. It was irritating because she was expected to feel as if she had lost her best friend but she didn’t feel that way SO THERE. And why was Atwood blankstared, Atwood had no right to be blankstared because this was not his story FUCK YOU. It was not Atwood’s right. No. It was Atwood’s right. Right. Nevermind. She had almost forgotten that it was okay, but it was okay because that part was right. Atwood was what was supposed to happen.
But it looks as if Marissa is being buried at noon tomorrow in a Very Wrong Oblong Box. And this was not supposed to happen. No.
Summer started sobbing but she was okay and she fell asleep again and she may or may not have kept dreaming
(slept like a baby)
(she woke up every hour crying)
...
marissa always knew. on some levels. she knew that when summer was around she didn’t really care for cohen much and that she was utterly sick of hearing cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. she would feel physically ill and sometimes turn her head and summer didn’t notice or she did. later marissa decided that she must have had a small thing for cohen. she liked cohen. something like that.
sometimes she missed the good old days. the good old days when marissa and summer talked less about boys and more about ponies and friendship and everything was a little bit more like a rainbow. sometimes marissa thought summer wanted to stay longer than she did that way. that she wanted to stay till they were over and dead. or was this wishful thinking. period. not a question. it was wishful thinking.
she always felt during those times like she was grasping something a little too big for her, and it was pulling at her heartstrings but she couldn’t digest it but it made her feel the best way
(this isn’t like turning you on, is it)
often marissa didn’t think about things like volchek, she didn’t think about volchek. it wasn’t about anything but volchek, she just liked him and she liked ryan. she liked alex a lot. she liked people because they made her feel better, more comfortable and a better person until she left. then they would tell her how much of a horrible person she must be and she would say things like, “it’s not like that, it’s not like that, you know i’m not like that.” She wasn’t like that either, it was just that sometimes she missed the good old days.
on late summer evenings when it was just now turning into fall, that was her favorite season. the weather was the best then, it was warm and it smelled nice and the only bad part was that you kind of knew summer was leaving. it scares you a little bit and you have to find something, someone to do.
marissa found a lot of things, she found a lot of people and it’s not as good as this season but everyone kind of likes her so she’s not a
(slut spiral)
she knew when she was dying. she told ryan not to leave, don’t leave rainbows are swirling in my eyes so i’m dying and maybe i shouldn’t have… maybe I should have done something before the summer left.
when she died it was summer.
fandom: the o.c.
pairing: summer/marissa
warnings/notes: FINALE SPOILERS. nothing else, except that the style is um weird.
i love you like a brother
and i love you like a child
and i love you like a lover
and i love you dumb and colorblind
-the dresden dolls, 'colorblind'
She couldn’t think. The first thing that Summer thought was that she couldn’t think. She couldn’t think because the things she was hearing were not making sense and Seth was beside her and was giving her a very regular blankstare and she did not feel this was appropriate and she felt he should look more bewildered and defiant and the exact emotions she was really feeling.
Her brain would not think them and the emotions would not transfer onto her face. A numb part of her continued to deny that she must have the same blankstare because she couldn’t. That was Cohen. Cohen. Cohen. Cohen was right, and that was okay because he was what was supposed to happen.
She had not slept in days, which was very unlike her. And when she was alone she found she did not want to think and so Cohen was there. And around Seth she could say things like why didn't I tell her I loved her and he wouldn't bat an eyelash but he would give her a blankstare. Okay.
What if she had known. What would she have done. Period. It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t worth considering because it wasn’t real. It was multicolored and lurid and RAINBOWS and something she may or may not have started to dream about and
(slept like a baby)
She only started sobbing at the wake. It hadn’t really happened, no. It wasn’t that. But she found herself staring at an oblong box that did not belong with Marissa but Marissa was there. And this was about the flowers. The way they were arranged suddenly irritated her and it was suddenly irritating that they had chosen multicolored flowers because they did not belong here. This wasn’t the rainbow. Later on she might have remembered screaming inside YES MARISSA I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS. She didn’t remember giving a speech.
Summer started sobbing. It was irritating. It was irritating because she was expected to feel as if she had lost her best friend but she didn’t feel that way SO THERE. And why was Atwood blankstared, Atwood had no right to be blankstared because this was not his story FUCK YOU. It was not Atwood’s right. No. It was Atwood’s right. Right. Nevermind. She had almost forgotten that it was okay, but it was okay because that part was right. Atwood was what was supposed to happen.
But it looks as if Marissa is being buried at noon tomorrow in a Very Wrong Oblong Box. And this was not supposed to happen. No.
Summer started sobbing but she was okay and she fell asleep again and she may or may not have kept dreaming
(slept like a baby)
(she woke up every hour crying)
...
marissa always knew. on some levels. she knew that when summer was around she didn’t really care for cohen much and that she was utterly sick of hearing cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. cohen. she would feel physically ill and sometimes turn her head and summer didn’t notice or she did. later marissa decided that she must have had a small thing for cohen. she liked cohen. something like that.
sometimes she missed the good old days. the good old days when marissa and summer talked less about boys and more about ponies and friendship and everything was a little bit more like a rainbow. sometimes marissa thought summer wanted to stay longer than she did that way. that she wanted to stay till they were over and dead. or was this wishful thinking. period. not a question. it was wishful thinking.
she always felt during those times like she was grasping something a little too big for her, and it was pulling at her heartstrings but she couldn’t digest it but it made her feel the best way
(this isn’t like turning you on, is it)
often marissa didn’t think about things like volchek, she didn’t think about volchek. it wasn’t about anything but volchek, she just liked him and she liked ryan. she liked alex a lot. she liked people because they made her feel better, more comfortable and a better person until she left. then they would tell her how much of a horrible person she must be and she would say things like, “it’s not like that, it’s not like that, you know i’m not like that.” She wasn’t like that either, it was just that sometimes she missed the good old days.
on late summer evenings when it was just now turning into fall, that was her favorite season. the weather was the best then, it was warm and it smelled nice and the only bad part was that you kind of knew summer was leaving. it scares you a little bit and you have to find something, someone to do.
marissa found a lot of things, she found a lot of people and it’s not as good as this season but everyone kind of likes her so she’s not a
(slut spiral)
she knew when she was dying. she told ryan not to leave, don’t leave rainbows are swirling in my eyes so i’m dying and maybe i shouldn’t have… maybe I should have done something before the summer left.
when she died it was summer.