Season 02 Episode 03 DUCKS' RUNNING COMMENTARY!
S02E02 - "Scratches"
Okay, Bill. You seriously need to chill. Somebody give that vampire a Xanax! Bill, you know exactly jack shit about women if you think she's just going to come back.
We all know what happens now, right? You've seen the trailer? Or read the books? Yet we never quite know what Alan Ball is going to do to us, do we? SO I'M ASKEERT! RUN SOOKIE! RUUUUUNNNNNN! Bill, this is totally all your fault!
Holy shit! EEEEEEEEEEE! Credits? OMG! Everybody sing! "I dont' know who you think you are, but before the night is through, I WANNA DO BAD THINGS WITH YOU!" OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW!
Okay, Show, give it to me.
DAMMIT. I'm having serious technical difficulties today, and I don't know if it's my system being a bitch, or if the copy I got sucks, or whatever the fuck, but it's PISSING ME OFF AND TOTALLY RUINING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE SHOW! Okay, I think I fixed it. *crosses imaginary fingers because she needs the real ones to type*
YAY FANGTASIA! Aw, man, I don't want to wait!
But Hi Sam, I still love you. I feel bad that you're in so much trouble, because you were just a lost kid, you didn't know any better when you robbed Maryann. And... fucked her. Which, hey, you were a teenaged hormone monster, we couldn't really expect anything more of you. *pets Sam* Ooh, that's kind of offensive to a shapeshifter-American, isn't it? *G*
Oh, Daphne, I know there's more to you than meets the eye, but right now you're just kind of a dingbat. *pets Daphne too*
Hi Tara! Miss Positive Reinforcement. Hee. She sounds like a self-help book.
OMG SOOKIE! OWWW! OWOWOWOWOW!
Hi Dr. Ludwig! ERIC! Oh, honey, if Eric's never heard of it, you're fucked. Dude's a thousand years old, you know. Hi Pam! You look lovely tonight!
"He can do it. I'm wearing my favorite pumps."
Oh, Eric, you so smexy when you speak Swedish.
"She is extremely lazy. But loyal."
You can't see the look of absolutely horror and a little nausea on my face, but it's there as Dr. Ludwig is *shudder* pulling shit out of Sookie's back.
Hm. Jason is having nightmares at Jesus camp? EDDIE! Hee. You so deserve that, Jason. I'm sorry, was I talking? I get so distracted by Ryan Kwanten's WOWza physique. Aw, his boyfriend the Lukinator's still mad at him.
"It's always a pleasure doing business with you, Dr. Ludwig."
"Fuck off!" Hee. Dr. Ludwig rocks.
"Careful. You'll overcook her." Hee. I love you Eric. Aw, he's totally either jealous or bewildered by Bill and Sookie. Maybe both.
Oh, man. Poor Pam's pumps. "And Pam... those were great pumps." What a bastard. LOL I *heart* you, Eric! I know I said that already, but it bears repeating!
Well, after seeing Maryann eat everything in Merlotte's last week, I guess we know why she has a constant supply of fresh fruits and other food around. We still don't know HOW yet, but we know why. Hey, sister, roll me up one of those, will you? She rolls a rocking joint, man. Big phattie, all nice and even. With a filter? Hahahaha. Awesome. But why the hell would you want to filter your weed in anything but a water bong? Anyway...
Aw, poor Terry. Oh! You go, boy! Called Sam a coward!
Jason. I just don't know what to do about you. And these fucking leeches taking advantage of poor, dumb lost Jason. That is the usual fucked up non-logic religious bigots use to justify their hatred and violence.
Hee. Ginger just can't keep her brain shut, can she? So I guess Lafayette's not a vampire? Damn. I was kinda hoping he was. How badass would he be as a vampire?
Oh, Eggs is so cute.
Oh! Sookie, don't slap Eric. Yeah, he's cute, but don't forget who he is, honey.
Uh oh. Leaving Jessica alone just doesn't seem like a good idea to me. See? Awesome choice of song (Sex and Candy). LOL. Oh, shit, Hoyt, RUN! Hee. Did he just practice his pick up line before he went over to talk to her? But still, RUN! Please don't eat Hoyt. He's so damn cute.
"You should try the chicken fried steak, cause it's awww, it's like a chicken and a steak got together and made a baby. Delicious, crispy baby, and... uhhh." Then he realizes he sounds like a dipshit. Poor Hoyt. Well, he always said if he found the right girl and she was a vampire, that'd be okay. But knowing Jessica... yeah, I just don't see this ending well.
"You surprise me. That is a rare quality in a breather."
"You disgust me."
"Perhaps I'll grow on you."
"I'd prefer cancer." Oh, SNAP! You know that just totally turned him on, right?
Hee. Pam wants to keep Lafayette as a pet. Which, again, offensive from a racial standpoint. And, again, have we decided to make Pam straight in the series?
"You have enough pets."
I seriously do not want to know what is in that stew at Maryann's... er... orgy? Hee. Andy looks really, really confused. And there's the big-ass Paul Bunyon pig! Dun dun DUNNNNN! Invisible big-ass Paul Bunyon pig! Oh, Maryann, you're so bad. LOL.
Oh, fuck, you guys, this fucking non-logic from the Fellowship of the Sun assholes is going to seriously make me sick. And they're fucking suckering poor dumb Jason, and that pisses me off even more!
"Sara doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody." Hee. I bet you'd be surprised, jackass.
I forgot what kind of family Jessica grew up in. Poor kid doesn't even know what a Wii IS. Uh oh. Shoulda played the Wii. Awwwww! Hoyt is such a sweetie. Please don't eat Hoyt!
Man, poor Lafayette. I mean, okay, he needed a rock bottom incident, but this is like, serious PTSD territory.
Awww. Bill and Sookie are so sweet.
Uh... strange half-naked massage therapist in the hot tub? Yeah, Tara, there's some serious weirdness going on right here. Are you just starting to notice? OMG WHO IS THAT STREAKING? Yeah, that's a good idea Tara. GTFO, sister!
See, Sam is totally right in this case, except he doesn't know exactly what he's right about. And he's still leaving? Sam, you can't leave!
Bill misses petticoats? And Sookie is gonna play dress up with them? Oy. Uh oh -- talk about getting caught making out with a boy on the couch!
Um, why didn't Sam's doggie friend want to get in the water? OH SHIT HER BACK! WTF? The mystery of Daphne DEEPENS.
No really great lines this week, but some set up for an interesting future, FOR SURE.
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DON'T FORGET, THE NEXT NEW EP IS IN TWO WEEKS! July 12, that is.
What'd you guys think?