Brigits_Flame August Week Two: Inertia

[truc_d_ouf]

There are two things you need to know about this poem before you continue reading (if you are reading in the first place): 1) It is a very loose interpretation of inertia. So loose that it mightn't even actually be an interpretation of inertia. More like 'what happens when you make a change so big that you can no longer make any more.' 2) This is

Comments

[writingmoments]

This was so sad yet so well-written. I've often wondered how moms feel who let others adopt their babies. They must be very, very strong women to pick what seems right for the baby though leaves them missing the child.

I don't know that I could do it.

These two lines especially "got to" me:

"My heart left heavy, my arms left light.

Already you are fading, the dark hounding the light."

[truc_d_ouf]

Thank you for reading. I feel that sometimes people can be so dismissive of birth mothers - yes, a woman who places her baby up for adoption is 'giving her child away', but that is not the same thing as rejecting them, or not ever loving them. In most cases, they have bonded with their baby in the same way any other mother would during pregnancy. I wanted to try to give a voice to the other side of the adoption process.

[keppiehed]

Admirably written. You have much skill to have approached this subject in verse, and you did not let it veer to the trite. Excellent! Good luck in the polls this week.

[truc_d_ouf]

Thank you for your kind words. I was worried about it sounding forced, and there are still a couple of lines that I am unsure about, so it's good to know that it doesn't read horribly. Good luck to you too :).

[truc_d_ouf]

Thank you for reading! :)

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

Greetings and salutations. I have to wonder, does structure count as grammar?

Why? Well, to be absolutely precise, it does not entirely match the definition of a sestina. The endwords are taken from the first stanza, yes, but they do not seem to be in a set pattern. Like many of the old forms, it is hard to write and still have the natural flow that we have come to expect from poetry. But then should we always expect it.

There is what appears to be a genuine sadness about the piece which is is far more important then the mechanics of a poetic style though. I hope to see more, I truly do.

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[truc_d_ouf]

Hello, and thank you for your edit :). Damn, I really thought I had the structure right. I followed the word order pattern I found on Wikipedia, that'll learn me not to trust public encyclopedias. Do you know where I could find the correct format please? I'd like to give it another go to see if I can write it properly.

I'm glad you liked the poem. As I said in another comment, I was worried it would come out sounding forced, so I'm pleased that the emotion behind it still stays true.

Thanks again!

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

I am not sure if I would even change it. The concept was correct, it is just that in a Sestina the last words of the first stanza show up in the following stanzas in a set pattern. THey do not have to be in the same order as the first stanza, but you do have to stick with the pattern you set. Thus if the first stanza had the last words

see
dick
run
from
jane
quickly

you can change them in any order for the other stanzas..but you have to repeat the pattern.

so it could be
quickly
dick
see
jane
run
from

would have to show in the next stanza. In theory I think you can even bleed but I am not sure. That is

quickly
quickly
dick
see
jane
run

from
quickly ..etc

btw, I use wiki..but I never really trust it. I have a shelf of old poetics manuals buried in here somewhere, but I am not sure how many of them are in print.

The bottom line? Unless you are taking a test, you cannot really go wrong. You have just invented a new form of sestina,eh? After all, you did not write it in Provencal.

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[truc_d_ouf]

Thank you so much for this, it's great! Poetry is fascinating to me, but I'm still quite ignorant about it, especially classical styles and structures. I must see if I can find a poetry manual the next time I'm at a book shop, I didn't realise they existed. Thanks again :).

Editing

[cedarwolfsinger]

My first reaction is "WOW". Just "WOW". Very well crafted. For the first 3 verses, I thought you were talking about the death of a child. Not so far off, I'm guessing, since the relationship is cut off, like a breath or a life. Very sad, especially the last verse. Very painful, very well done. I can offer no suggestions on how to make it better. It's painful, and real, and well done.

Re: Editing

[truc_d_ouf]

Thank you very much :).