The Lady of the Well - a remix of gertie_flirty's Well, Well
Title: The Lady of the Well
Author: trippy41
Remix: Well, Well by gertie_flirty
Rating: G
Word Count: 3, 711
Disclaimer: Not Mine. Even the original fic isn't mine, but I loved it so much...
A/N: Sheldon's science jargon is brought to you by the kind folks at Wikipedia
Summary: Interviews of key players in the infamous well story picked up from the evening, Channel Four Pasadena local news, for the upcoming documentary, "The Lady of the Well."
Thanks to my beta mothermedusa20 for the herculean task of beta-ing everything I throw at her!
Julia has her head raised, while Felix, her assistant cum make-up artist, is brushing powder across her forehead and nose. She is reviewing her interview schedule today: Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, and, of course, the Lady of the Lake herself-Penny. She bats away Felix’s hand. She’s ready to go. “Go get me Ms. Fowler and let’s get this started.”
There is a chair for her, high back, and lumbar support with black leather upholstery - just as she had demanded. Julia sits in it, shifts around until she’s comfortable, and crosses and uncrosses her legs, pointing her toes to highlight her new blue Manolo Blahnik’s she bought for just this. She adjusts her mike on her blue striped blouse, pointing it up towards her mouth, but hiding it close to her cleavage.
The interviewee chair is a folding one, black as well. It stands out in in front of the green screen, which the director will fill in later. Julia is smoothing her skirt over her thighs, when a short, awkward woman is seated by Felix, who attempts to fix the mic on her baggy, striped cardigan. The woman pushes her glasses up and smiles. “Hi.”
Julia sizes up this mousy woman and sighs, “Just act natural and you’ll do fine. Ready? Great, let’s start. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Amy Farrah Fowler, take one. Ms. Fowler…”
“Doctor Fowler, I have a PhD in neurobiology.”
“Cut! Felix, can you get the shine off her nose? Doctor Fowler, could you angle your glasses slightly down your nose, they are causing a reflection. Better. Okay. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Amy Farrah Fowler, take two. Doctor Fowler, perhaps you can begin with telling me how you are acquainted with Penny.”
“Certainly, Ms. Matheson. I met Penny through a common friend, Doctor Sheldon Cooper.”
“Yes, I am interviewing him later today.”
“Oh, you are in for a treat. Penny and I became best friends shortly after we were introduced.”
“Best friends, really?”
“Yes. You may check my blog about the process of my becoming BFFs with Penny at: livinglavidaloca.wordpress.com”
“Thank you. I’m sure that will be very informative. Moving on, when did you arrive at the scene the day Penny fell in the well?”
“Well, I came with Bernadette…”
“Yes, Ms. Rostenkowski. I believe I am interviewing her next.”
“Excellent. She is a tiny package of delight. Now back to my story. By the time we got there, Sheldon, uh, Doctor Cooper had already made contact with Penny and had sent down the walkie-talkie. I gave my bestie full emotive support through her difficult time.”
“I’m certain your support was beneficial to Penny’s emotional state during her confinement.”
“Yes, of course it was. My only regret is Doctor Cooper wouldn’t allow me to send down my basal electrodes to measure the emotional impact of a resilient woman in such dire circumstances. The results alone would…”
“Yes, that would have been interesting to see, I’m sure. Doctor Fowler, thank you for…”
“Then I could get a Rhesus monkey to…”
“Thank you Doctor Fowler, I’m sure that will be….”
“When do I get to meet my bestie’s co-star Renee Zellwegger?”
“Meet Ms. Zellwegger? Oh, I don’t think…”
“She is really quite attractive, isn’t she?”
“Yes, well, I don’t believe Ms. Zellwegger ever actually met Penny. Her part was recast.”
“What? That is shameful. I retract my earlier statement regarding Renee’s attractiveness.”
“Again, thank you for your time Doctor Fowler. And cut.”
“But…”
“Excuse me, Doctor Fowler, I really must move on. You can leave now. Felix, can you get Ms. Rostenkowski on the set please? Thank you.”
Julia had to get up out of her seat, irritated, to send Dr. Fowler on her way. She placed a hand on the woman’s elbow, “Doctor Fowler, please come with me. Look, see, there’s Penny, why don’t you go and speak with her?”
Amy got up with a smile, and went to see Penny, who was waiting behind the green screen.
“Thanks for saying I was a co-star,” Penny whispered to Amy.
“No problem, bestie,” Amy replied. She held up her pinky, and Penny rather awkwardly linked hers with it and they gave a brief shake.
Julia sat back down, and prepared her questions for her next interview, smoothing her skirt once more. Felix arrived with a small, blonde woman with red framed glasses. She was a good deal prettier than her last interview, and Julia smiled wide at her, flashing her recently whitened teeth. Bernadette smiled warily back at her.
Felix was fixing Bernadette’s mic to her pink sweater set, and Julia whispered her, “You’ll do fine.” She bobbed her head in a series of small nods to accentuate her support. Once Felix left, Julia smiled wide again, “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Bernadette Rostenkowski, take one. Ms. Rostenkowski, I believe you work with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory?”
“…!”
“Cut! Ms. Rostenkowski, could you please answer the questions verbally as well as nodding your head? Great. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Bernadette Rostenkowski, take two. Ms. Rostenkowski, how well do you know Penny?”
“…!”
“Cut! Ms. Rostenkowski, will you be able to answer any questions verbally? Ms. Rostenkowski?”
“…!”
“Felix, can you chase after Ms. Rostenkowski and see if she will be able to give her interview today?”
Both Felix and Penny took off after Bernadette, who was followed closely by a tiny man in tight red pants. Julia combed her fingers through the auburn waves of her colored ends to make the curls bounce again while she waited. She ran her tongue about her lips, irritably noting the dryness.
Felix jogged back to her. “No? What do you mean you can’t find Ms. Rostenkowski? Fine, bring in Leonard Hofstadter, but I need a re-application of my lip gloss first, STAT!”
How disappointing. Another interview scratched off her list, Julia thought, while Felix was applying Maybelline’s #50 Cocoa Fever. As she rubbed her lips together to have the lip gloss settle, Felix was settling in a short man with a head full of curls and black framed glasses that appeared to be the wrong prescription, considering how he squinted through them. Julia refrained from rolling her eyes -were all these scientists near sighted? She tried her award winning smile, “Doctor Hofstadter, please, make yourself comfortable. Felix? Be sure his mike is pointed just so…yes perfect.”
“Leonard.”
“Pardon?”
“My name is Leonard.”
“Of course. Leonard, just be sure to be relaxed, and this will go smoothly, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Great. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Leonard Hofstadter, take one.”
“You have very attractive legs.”
“Cut! Doctor Hofstadter, please refrain from referring to my legs. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Leonard Hofstadter, take two. I understand that Penny is a former girlfriend of yours. How does your past relationship shed light into Penny’s character?”
“What? I guess I learned she has commitment issues.”
“Not exactly the answer I was going for. Let me rephrase. You’ve know Penny, intimately, for some time. What can you tell me about how she dealt with her situation?”
“Well, Julia. May I call you Julia? Well, Julia, what I can tell you about Penny is she is unlikely to give up in a survival situation, even if she gave up on us…”
“Doctor Hofstadter, you appear to have unresolved romantic feelings for Penny. How did that feel for you when she preferred the assistance of Doctor Cooper to yourself?”
“Did that camera just zoom to my face?”
“Just ignore the camera, but not the question, please Doctor Hofstadter.”
“Penny and I have managed to maintain a friendship.”
“’That doesn’t answer the question, Doctor Hofstadter.”
“Penny and Sheldon are friends too. We are all friends, who were trying to help another friend, because that’s what friends do.”
“Are you certain there is no competition between Doctor Cooper and yourself?
“Oh, there’s definitely competition between Doctor Cooper and myself in just about everything.”
“Even for Penny’s affections?”
“No. I mean, uh, well physics is a very competitive field, as is science, Jenga, Halo 3 and the Warlords of Ka’a.”
“But not the girl?”
“No, as I’ve said, Penny is just friends with me, Doctor Cooper, Doctor Koothrappali and Mr. Wolowitz.”
“If that’s what you believe, Doctor Hofstadter. Thank you for your time.”
“Just friends, really, Julia. Are you, however, single? See, if I weren’t just friends with Penny, I wouldn’t ask you out. So, how ‘bout it?”
“Cut! Felix, can you take off Doctor Hofstadter’s mic? Thanks…”
“Leonard. I’m done?”
“Yes, you most certainly are.”
“Great, so when are you through today?”
“No. Just. No. Felix? Could you take Dr. Hofstadter and bring me Dr. Koothrappali? Please?”
Hofstadter was still eyeing her like a steak dinner; she sat back into her seat and sighed. Scientists-how had she gotten stuck for a whole day interviewing scientists? Felix took Hofstadter’s arm and led him off the stage. “Felix, on your way back, stop in my trailer for some extra strength Excedrin.” Julia massaged her temples while she waited. She looked at her watch-only 11am?
Felix returned with her painkillers, a bottle of water, and a good looking young Indian man in an unfortunate sweater vest that had the dizzying, horrifying pattern of zigzags and flying geese. At least he wasn’t wearing glasses. “Doctor Koothrappali, Felix here will adjust your mic. Just speak clearly and don’t worry, this will be painless. “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Koothrappali, take one. Doctor Koothrappali, can you tell me…”
“Rajesh.”
“Pardon?”
“You can call me Rajesh, you lovely, leggy interview woman.”
“Cut! Doctor Koothrappali …”
“Rajesh.”
“Rajesh, could you please keep to the topic of my questions?”
“If I could, I would, Julia.”
“Doctor Koothrappali, are you intoxicated?”
“Rajesh. I might have had a beer or two.”
“Doctor Koothrappali, it’s not even lunchtime yet. As a matter of fact, Felix, it’s time to break for lunch. Doctor Koothrapoli, you can go now. Doctor Koothrappali? Rajesh? Felix, can you come move Doctor Koothrappali, I think he passed out.”
Julia got up to leave Koothrappali to Felix and took long strides to get as quickly as possible to her trailer. She saw Penny and Doctor Cooper along the way, and, like her director had said, she could almost see the sparks flying, even though it looked to the uninformed observer like they were arguing.
It was a good thing she had those interviews to look forward to, as the morning had given her only a few minutes’ worth of useable footage from Fowler and Hofstadter; Rostenkowski and Koothrapoli were a bust. Julia entered her trailer with these thoughts, and fell onto her plush white couch to try to relax while she waited for Felix to set out her well chilled Sushi lunch.
Felix came in and flitted about, placing her Sushi on her table, with her preferred soy sauce and chopsticks and she opened her dossier on Sheldon Cooper, having a strange feeling that she better prepare for his interview after her lunch. Julia took a bite of California roll and considered the questions she wanted to ask him. Felix poured her tonic water over crushed ice, just the way she liked it, and smiled. Julia waved him away, “Go prepare Doctor Cooper for his interview.”
Julia returned from her lunch at the tail end of a tirade that Doctor Cooper was ranting at the frazzled Felix. She smiled her brightest smile. “Doctor Cooper, is there a problem?”
“A problem? Oh where do I begin? First, I’ve been standing here waiting for you for nearly ten minutes. Second, I refuse to sit in such an inadequate chair, which offers no support for my back or my legs, as it is sized for someone of my roommate’s stature. Third…”
“Felix,” Julia turned to him, still smiling brightly, although her cheeks were beginning to hurt, “go get my office chair from my trailer for Doctor Cooper.” She turned to the physicist, whose forefinger was still touching his ring finger of his opposite hand-prepared to give her his third complaint, “Will this make you happy, Doctor Cooper?”
“It doesn’t make me unhappy.”
Felix came at a jog with her black, leather upholstered computer desk chair on his head. He placed it down, huffing in short breaths, and took the folding chair with him, and placed it off the set.
Julia tried to smile brightly again, but it was tight across her lips, “Better?”
Sheldon wiggled incessantly in the chair, finally shrugging his shoulders and mouth at the same time, “It is acceptable.”
“Excellent. Felix! Felix will affix your mic…”
“Oh no, I’m not letting you stretch my shirt out like that…just…give it to me!” Sheldon gingerly placed the mic on the collar of his blue Superman shirt, clipping it also to his red and yellow striped thermal for support.
He looked up at Julia, resigned to begin, when his eyes darted off camera and narrowed. Julia turned to the direction of his gaze, to see Penny with her arms crossed, and her eyes equally narrowed.
Julia had the feeling Doctor Cooper was here under duress. She made Doctor Cooper her focus, and smiled wide at him, “Just relax Doct…”
“Oh, if only it were that easy.”
“This will be painless, I promis…”
“I highly doubt that, but carry on.”
Julia closed her eyes briefly, counted to ten, and then smiled brightly again, “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Sheldon Cooper…”
“Doctor Sheldon Cooper.”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, my apologies. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon…”
“I have a master’s, and two doctorate degrees, so I’m referred to as “Doctor” always, by anyone other than my close friends.”
“Cut! I understand, Doctor.” Her smile was slipping again.
“Understandable once, but not twice. Continue.”
“Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon Cooper, take three. Doctor Cooper, how would you characterize your relationship with Penny?”
“Penny is, at the moment, the bane of my existence and why I am currently talking to you.”
“How about in general? How would you describe Penny?
“Penny is kind, threatening, amusing, scary, yet I spend rather a lot of time in her presence.”
“Why?”
“Did the camera just zoom to my face? That makes me uncomfortable.”
“Just answer the question.”
“Are you familiar with Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation?”
“Uh, no.”
“No, I guess you wouldn’t be. Newton’s Law tells us that at every point mass attracts every single other point mass by a force pointing along the line intersecting both points. The force is proportional to the product of the two masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.”
“Uh, and the point is?”
“Must I explain it further?”
“Perhaps in English?”
“Troglodyte. The point is that Penny and I are two people who are incredibly different, yet we are still drawn to each other; to spend time in one another’s company; I, for rides to the comic book store and she, for free food. Penny also makes me watch some wretched movies.”
“Cut! Penny, the mic can pick up your laughing. Quiet on the set please. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon Cooper, take four. Doctor Cooper, perhaps you can take us through that day when Penny fell in the well. Why did you go immediately to her assistance, when even the rescue teams did not?”
“That’s fairly easy to explain, Ms. Matheson. With quantum mechanics, such as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states precise inequalities that constrain certain pairs of physical properties, such as measuring the present position while determining future momentum; both cannot be simultaneously done to arbitrarily high precision.”
“Doctor Cooper, you aren’t being clear.”
“I am being perfectly clear. Penny was in one position - in the well. We had a future position - to remove her from the well. Obviously, we couldn’t do both at the same time.”
“Obviously. However, you did, with great peril to yourself, continue to assist Penny while she was in the well. Why exactly? Without using science jargon!”
“Science jargon, really.”
“Just answer the question, please, Doctor Cooper.”
“Penny has taken care of me three out of the four times I’ve been ill since I’ve known her. Reciprocity is very important to me. In other words, I owed her one.”
“You did all this for Penny, because you “owed her one”?”
“The last I am going to say on this subject, because quite honestly, I’ve lost interest in the banality of your questions is this: in quantum mechanics, there can be no states that describe a particle with both a definite position and a definite momentum. The more precise the position, the less precise the momentum.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“Ms. Matheson, that, I will leave up to you to understand.”
“Doctor Cooper? Doctor Cooper! You can’t just…cut! Felix, he can’t just leave. Go after him!”
Doctor Cooper’s long strides suddenly stopped. What had stopped him was the blonde star of the show, with a look. Julia watched the exchange, and ached for a portable mic or a camera. She flashed her eyes to Felix, who went running for one.
“What the hell was that?” Penny demanded, stomping her foot precariously near Doctor Cooper’s.
Sheldon took a step back from her. “The interview you wanted me to give.”
“That wasn’t an interview! That was a whiteboard, without a whiteboard!” Penny ground out her words to him through her teeth.
“Well, what would you have me do? Wax poetic about feelings to that woman?” Sheldon pointed a long finger at Julia, but his eyes never left Penny’s. Julia thought she might just have been insulted. Felix was standing behind her, a small handheld camera on his shoulder, capturing their exchange.
“No, because that would require you to be human!”
“It is not my responsibility to explain everything I say to her,” he jerked a thumb back at Julia, “you, or anyone!” Sheldon’s fingers were clenching and unclenching into fists.
Penny threw up her hands in exasperation, “Whatever, Sheldon.”
Sheldon waved a hand back to Julia again, “To use a baseball metaphor, I believe you are up. I will wait for you as you are my ride home, but try not to chit chat, jibber jabber, or generally talk too long as it is Halo night.
Penny ignored him, and marched towards Julia, “Are we ready?”
“Uh, yes, sure, follow me.” Julia didn’t actually want them to stop, but she didn’t have an excuse to keep them there. She let Penny get settled in the interviewee chair. Julia could see Sheldon out of the corner of her eye just off stage, arms crossed and leaning against the sound equipment.
Julia put on her professional smile, “Are you ready Penny?”
“Oh yeah, I’ve been ready for this forever.”
“Excellent. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Penny, the Lady of the Well, take one. Penny, tell me the events that led you to fall down the well.”
“Really? The Lady of the Well? Is that really the title they’re going with?”
“Cut! Yes, that’s it. Okay? Ready again? Great. Action!
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Penny, the Lady of the Well, take two. Penny, tell me the events that led you to fall down the well.”
“Certainly Julia, I was cast in the movie with Renee Zellwegger. My scene was to run up to Renee and say my line, and as I did, the ground gave way, and I fell, about one hundred feet, into an old well. I’m told it’s a near miracle I wasn’t injured.”
“Miraculous indeed! Tell me Penny, once you were there, in the well, what went through your mind?”
“That I had just tripped and fallen my way out of a movie role.”
“Weren’t you scared?”
“Not at first, no. The only thing that I was afraid of was collapse, when I thought I’d try climbing out.”
“You must have felt comforted once your friends arrived.”
“Yes. I have very smart, very good friends. I knew they’d get me out.”
“In particular, Doctor Cooper’s assistance was, I am to understand, most welcome to you.”
“Sheldon?” Sheldon is…very prepared for these types of scenarios.”
“These types of scenarios? Such as?”
“The apocalypse, zombies, alien invasions…”
“And a woman falling into a well?”
“Sheldon is very imaginative.”
“And yet you wanted his assistance, above those of your other friends.”
“Sheldon is also…surprisingly…capable.”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, we can pick up that sound you are making back there. Action! Penny, What are your feelings regarding Doctor Cooper?”
“Currently? Irritation, frustration…”
“Generally?”
“Sheldon can be a good friend. Next topic?”
“Fine. Penny, I also did phone interviews with your family; your father and sister specifically.
“Oh god…”
“Your father said, and I quote, “That girl can get herself in and out of trouble more often than a door opens and closes. But one thing’s for sure, Penny can take care of herself.” Would you care to comment?”
“My dad taught me how to use a baseball bat, which is currently in my kitchen. It’s a great tool for self-defense and ass kicking.”
“I also spoke to your sister, who said, “Penny has always been attention seeking, over dramatic, and not a real blonde. She is also a great kid sister and aunt, and has grown-up in L.A.” What would your response to her be?”
“That it takes an attention seeker to know one. And I am too a real blonde!”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, we can still pick up that sound you are making even when you hold your hand over your mouth. Quiet on the set! Good. Action! Penny, what were your final thoughts as you were pulled out of the well?”
“Listen. I’m nobody’s damsel in distress. I’m perfectly capable of getting out of tough situations all on my own. In junior rodeo I had to hogtie a bull in less than thirty seconds. And I did. I’m a strong, capable woman who can make it on my own. But sometimes, well, you fall down a well and you need help to get out of it. And you know what? That’s okay.”
“And cut! That’s a wrap folks.”
End.
Author: trippy41
Remix: Well, Well by gertie_flirty
Rating: G
Word Count: 3, 711
Disclaimer: Not Mine. Even the original fic isn't mine, but I loved it so much...
A/N: Sheldon's science jargon is brought to you by the kind folks at Wikipedia
Summary: Interviews of key players in the infamous well story picked up from the evening, Channel Four Pasadena local news, for the upcoming documentary, "The Lady of the Well."
Thanks to my beta mothermedusa20 for the herculean task of beta-ing everything I throw at her!
Julia has her head raised, while Felix, her assistant cum make-up artist, is brushing powder across her forehead and nose. She is reviewing her interview schedule today: Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, and, of course, the Lady of the Lake herself-Penny. She bats away Felix’s hand. She’s ready to go. “Go get me Ms. Fowler and let’s get this started.”
There is a chair for her, high back, and lumbar support with black leather upholstery - just as she had demanded. Julia sits in it, shifts around until she’s comfortable, and crosses and uncrosses her legs, pointing her toes to highlight her new blue Manolo Blahnik’s she bought for just this. She adjusts her mike on her blue striped blouse, pointing it up towards her mouth, but hiding it close to her cleavage.
The interviewee chair is a folding one, black as well. It stands out in in front of the green screen, which the director will fill in later. Julia is smoothing her skirt over her thighs, when a short, awkward woman is seated by Felix, who attempts to fix the mic on her baggy, striped cardigan. The woman pushes her glasses up and smiles. “Hi.”
Julia sizes up this mousy woman and sighs, “Just act natural and you’ll do fine. Ready? Great, let’s start. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Amy Farrah Fowler, take one. Ms. Fowler…”
“Doctor Fowler, I have a PhD in neurobiology.”
“Cut! Felix, can you get the shine off her nose? Doctor Fowler, could you angle your glasses slightly down your nose, they are causing a reflection. Better. Okay. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Amy Farrah Fowler, take two. Doctor Fowler, perhaps you can begin with telling me how you are acquainted with Penny.”
“Certainly, Ms. Matheson. I met Penny through a common friend, Doctor Sheldon Cooper.”
“Yes, I am interviewing him later today.”
“Oh, you are in for a treat. Penny and I became best friends shortly after we were introduced.”
“Best friends, really?”
“Yes. You may check my blog about the process of my becoming BFFs with Penny at: livinglavidaloca.wordpress.com”
“Thank you. I’m sure that will be very informative. Moving on, when did you arrive at the scene the day Penny fell in the well?”
“Well, I came with Bernadette…”
“Yes, Ms. Rostenkowski. I believe I am interviewing her next.”
“Excellent. She is a tiny package of delight. Now back to my story. By the time we got there, Sheldon, uh, Doctor Cooper had already made contact with Penny and had sent down the walkie-talkie. I gave my bestie full emotive support through her difficult time.”
“I’m certain your support was beneficial to Penny’s emotional state during her confinement.”
“Yes, of course it was. My only regret is Doctor Cooper wouldn’t allow me to send down my basal electrodes to measure the emotional impact of a resilient woman in such dire circumstances. The results alone would…”
“Yes, that would have been interesting to see, I’m sure. Doctor Fowler, thank you for…”
“Then I could get a Rhesus monkey to…”
“Thank you Doctor Fowler, I’m sure that will be….”
“When do I get to meet my bestie’s co-star Renee Zellwegger?”
“Meet Ms. Zellwegger? Oh, I don’t think…”
“She is really quite attractive, isn’t she?”
“Yes, well, I don’t believe Ms. Zellwegger ever actually met Penny. Her part was recast.”
“What? That is shameful. I retract my earlier statement regarding Renee’s attractiveness.”
“Again, thank you for your time Doctor Fowler. And cut.”
“But…”
“Excuse me, Doctor Fowler, I really must move on. You can leave now. Felix, can you get Ms. Rostenkowski on the set please? Thank you.”
Julia had to get up out of her seat, irritated, to send Dr. Fowler on her way. She placed a hand on the woman’s elbow, “Doctor Fowler, please come with me. Look, see, there’s Penny, why don’t you go and speak with her?”
Amy got up with a smile, and went to see Penny, who was waiting behind the green screen.
“Thanks for saying I was a co-star,” Penny whispered to Amy.
“No problem, bestie,” Amy replied. She held up her pinky, and Penny rather awkwardly linked hers with it and they gave a brief shake.
Julia sat back down, and prepared her questions for her next interview, smoothing her skirt once more. Felix arrived with a small, blonde woman with red framed glasses. She was a good deal prettier than her last interview, and Julia smiled wide at her, flashing her recently whitened teeth. Bernadette smiled warily back at her.
Felix was fixing Bernadette’s mic to her pink sweater set, and Julia whispered her, “You’ll do fine.” She bobbed her head in a series of small nods to accentuate her support. Once Felix left, Julia smiled wide again, “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Bernadette Rostenkowski, take one. Ms. Rostenkowski, I believe you work with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory?”
“…!”
“Cut! Ms. Rostenkowski, could you please answer the questions verbally as well as nodding your head? Great. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Bernadette Rostenkowski, take two. Ms. Rostenkowski, how well do you know Penny?”
“…!”
“Cut! Ms. Rostenkowski, will you be able to answer any questions verbally? Ms. Rostenkowski?”
“…!”
“Felix, can you chase after Ms. Rostenkowski and see if she will be able to give her interview today?”
Both Felix and Penny took off after Bernadette, who was followed closely by a tiny man in tight red pants. Julia combed her fingers through the auburn waves of her colored ends to make the curls bounce again while she waited. She ran her tongue about her lips, irritably noting the dryness.
Felix jogged back to her. “No? What do you mean you can’t find Ms. Rostenkowski? Fine, bring in Leonard Hofstadter, but I need a re-application of my lip gloss first, STAT!”
How disappointing. Another interview scratched off her list, Julia thought, while Felix was applying Maybelline’s #50 Cocoa Fever. As she rubbed her lips together to have the lip gloss settle, Felix was settling in a short man with a head full of curls and black framed glasses that appeared to be the wrong prescription, considering how he squinted through them. Julia refrained from rolling her eyes -were all these scientists near sighted? She tried her award winning smile, “Doctor Hofstadter, please, make yourself comfortable. Felix? Be sure his mike is pointed just so…yes perfect.”
“Leonard.”
“Pardon?”
“My name is Leonard.”
“Of course. Leonard, just be sure to be relaxed, and this will go smoothly, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Great. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Leonard Hofstadter, take one.”
“You have very attractive legs.”
“Cut! Doctor Hofstadter, please refrain from referring to my legs. Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Leonard Hofstadter, take two. I understand that Penny is a former girlfriend of yours. How does your past relationship shed light into Penny’s character?”
“What? I guess I learned she has commitment issues.”
“Not exactly the answer I was going for. Let me rephrase. You’ve know Penny, intimately, for some time. What can you tell me about how she dealt with her situation?”
“Well, Julia. May I call you Julia? Well, Julia, what I can tell you about Penny is she is unlikely to give up in a survival situation, even if she gave up on us…”
“Doctor Hofstadter, you appear to have unresolved romantic feelings for Penny. How did that feel for you when she preferred the assistance of Doctor Cooper to yourself?”
“Did that camera just zoom to my face?”
“Just ignore the camera, but not the question, please Doctor Hofstadter.”
“Penny and I have managed to maintain a friendship.”
“’That doesn’t answer the question, Doctor Hofstadter.”
“Penny and Sheldon are friends too. We are all friends, who were trying to help another friend, because that’s what friends do.”
“Are you certain there is no competition between Doctor Cooper and yourself?
“Oh, there’s definitely competition between Doctor Cooper and myself in just about everything.”
“Even for Penny’s affections?”
“No. I mean, uh, well physics is a very competitive field, as is science, Jenga, Halo 3 and the Warlords of Ka’a.”
“But not the girl?”
“No, as I’ve said, Penny is just friends with me, Doctor Cooper, Doctor Koothrappali and Mr. Wolowitz.”
“If that’s what you believe, Doctor Hofstadter. Thank you for your time.”
“Just friends, really, Julia. Are you, however, single? See, if I weren’t just friends with Penny, I wouldn’t ask you out. So, how ‘bout it?”
“Cut! Felix, can you take off Doctor Hofstadter’s mic? Thanks…”
“Leonard. I’m done?”
“Yes, you most certainly are.”
“Great, so when are you through today?”
“No. Just. No. Felix? Could you take Dr. Hofstadter and bring me Dr. Koothrappali? Please?”
Hofstadter was still eyeing her like a steak dinner; she sat back into her seat and sighed. Scientists-how had she gotten stuck for a whole day interviewing scientists? Felix took Hofstadter’s arm and led him off the stage. “Felix, on your way back, stop in my trailer for some extra strength Excedrin.” Julia massaged her temples while she waited. She looked at her watch-only 11am?
Felix returned with her painkillers, a bottle of water, and a good looking young Indian man in an unfortunate sweater vest that had the dizzying, horrifying pattern of zigzags and flying geese. At least he wasn’t wearing glasses. “Doctor Koothrappali, Felix here will adjust your mic. Just speak clearly and don’t worry, this will be painless. “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Koothrappali, take one. Doctor Koothrappali, can you tell me…”
“Rajesh.”
“Pardon?”
“You can call me Rajesh, you lovely, leggy interview woman.”
“Cut! Doctor Koothrappali …”
“Rajesh.”
“Rajesh, could you please keep to the topic of my questions?”
“If I could, I would, Julia.”
“Doctor Koothrappali, are you intoxicated?”
“Rajesh. I might have had a beer or two.”
“Doctor Koothrappali, it’s not even lunchtime yet. As a matter of fact, Felix, it’s time to break for lunch. Doctor Koothrapoli, you can go now. Doctor Koothrappali? Rajesh? Felix, can you come move Doctor Koothrappali, I think he passed out.”
Julia got up to leave Koothrappali to Felix and took long strides to get as quickly as possible to her trailer. She saw Penny and Doctor Cooper along the way, and, like her director had said, she could almost see the sparks flying, even though it looked to the uninformed observer like they were arguing.
It was a good thing she had those interviews to look forward to, as the morning had given her only a few minutes’ worth of useable footage from Fowler and Hofstadter; Rostenkowski and Koothrapoli were a bust. Julia entered her trailer with these thoughts, and fell onto her plush white couch to try to relax while she waited for Felix to set out her well chilled Sushi lunch.
Felix came in and flitted about, placing her Sushi on her table, with her preferred soy sauce and chopsticks and she opened her dossier on Sheldon Cooper, having a strange feeling that she better prepare for his interview after her lunch. Julia took a bite of California roll and considered the questions she wanted to ask him. Felix poured her tonic water over crushed ice, just the way she liked it, and smiled. Julia waved him away, “Go prepare Doctor Cooper for his interview.”
Julia returned from her lunch at the tail end of a tirade that Doctor Cooper was ranting at the frazzled Felix. She smiled her brightest smile. “Doctor Cooper, is there a problem?”
“A problem? Oh where do I begin? First, I’ve been standing here waiting for you for nearly ten minutes. Second, I refuse to sit in such an inadequate chair, which offers no support for my back or my legs, as it is sized for someone of my roommate’s stature. Third…”
“Felix,” Julia turned to him, still smiling brightly, although her cheeks were beginning to hurt, “go get my office chair from my trailer for Doctor Cooper.” She turned to the physicist, whose forefinger was still touching his ring finger of his opposite hand-prepared to give her his third complaint, “Will this make you happy, Doctor Cooper?”
“It doesn’t make me unhappy.”
Felix came at a jog with her black, leather upholstered computer desk chair on his head. He placed it down, huffing in short breaths, and took the folding chair with him, and placed it off the set.
Julia tried to smile brightly again, but it was tight across her lips, “Better?”
Sheldon wiggled incessantly in the chair, finally shrugging his shoulders and mouth at the same time, “It is acceptable.”
“Excellent. Felix! Felix will affix your mic…”
“Oh no, I’m not letting you stretch my shirt out like that…just…give it to me!” Sheldon gingerly placed the mic on the collar of his blue Superman shirt, clipping it also to his red and yellow striped thermal for support.
He looked up at Julia, resigned to begin, when his eyes darted off camera and narrowed. Julia turned to the direction of his gaze, to see Penny with her arms crossed, and her eyes equally narrowed.
Julia had the feeling Doctor Cooper was here under duress. She made Doctor Cooper her focus, and smiled wide at him, “Just relax Doct…”
“Oh, if only it were that easy.”
“This will be painless, I promis…”
“I highly doubt that, but carry on.”
Julia closed her eyes briefly, counted to ten, and then smiled brightly again, “Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Sheldon Cooper…”
“Doctor Sheldon Cooper.”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, my apologies. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon…”
“I have a master’s, and two doctorate degrees, so I’m referred to as “Doctor” always, by anyone other than my close friends.”
“Cut! I understand, Doctor.” Her smile was slipping again.
“Understandable once, but not twice. Continue.”
“Action! This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon Cooper, take three. Doctor Cooper, how would you characterize your relationship with Penny?”
“Penny is, at the moment, the bane of my existence and why I am currently talking to you.”
“How about in general? How would you describe Penny?
“Penny is kind, threatening, amusing, scary, yet I spend rather a lot of time in her presence.”
“Why?”
“Did the camera just zoom to my face? That makes me uncomfortable.”
“Just answer the question.”
“Are you familiar with Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation?”
“Uh, no.”
“No, I guess you wouldn’t be. Newton’s Law tells us that at every point mass attracts every single other point mass by a force pointing along the line intersecting both points. The force is proportional to the product of the two masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.”
“Uh, and the point is?”
“Must I explain it further?”
“Perhaps in English?”
“Troglodyte. The point is that Penny and I are two people who are incredibly different, yet we are still drawn to each other; to spend time in one another’s company; I, for rides to the comic book store and she, for free food. Penny also makes me watch some wretched movies.”
“Cut! Penny, the mic can pick up your laughing. Quiet on the set please. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Doctor Sheldon Cooper, take four. Doctor Cooper, perhaps you can take us through that day when Penny fell in the well. Why did you go immediately to her assistance, when even the rescue teams did not?”
“That’s fairly easy to explain, Ms. Matheson. With quantum mechanics, such as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states precise inequalities that constrain certain pairs of physical properties, such as measuring the present position while determining future momentum; both cannot be simultaneously done to arbitrarily high precision.”
“Doctor Cooper, you aren’t being clear.”
“I am being perfectly clear. Penny was in one position - in the well. We had a future position - to remove her from the well. Obviously, we couldn’t do both at the same time.”
“Obviously. However, you did, with great peril to yourself, continue to assist Penny while she was in the well. Why exactly? Without using science jargon!”
“Science jargon, really.”
“Just answer the question, please, Doctor Cooper.”
“Penny has taken care of me three out of the four times I’ve been ill since I’ve known her. Reciprocity is very important to me. In other words, I owed her one.”
“You did all this for Penny, because you “owed her one”?”
“The last I am going to say on this subject, because quite honestly, I’ve lost interest in the banality of your questions is this: in quantum mechanics, there can be no states that describe a particle with both a definite position and a definite momentum. The more precise the position, the less precise the momentum.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“Ms. Matheson, that, I will leave up to you to understand.”
“Doctor Cooper? Doctor Cooper! You can’t just…cut! Felix, he can’t just leave. Go after him!”
Doctor Cooper’s long strides suddenly stopped. What had stopped him was the blonde star of the show, with a look. Julia watched the exchange, and ached for a portable mic or a camera. She flashed her eyes to Felix, who went running for one.
“What the hell was that?” Penny demanded, stomping her foot precariously near Doctor Cooper’s.
Sheldon took a step back from her. “The interview you wanted me to give.”
“That wasn’t an interview! That was a whiteboard, without a whiteboard!” Penny ground out her words to him through her teeth.
“Well, what would you have me do? Wax poetic about feelings to that woman?” Sheldon pointed a long finger at Julia, but his eyes never left Penny’s. Julia thought she might just have been insulted. Felix was standing behind her, a small handheld camera on his shoulder, capturing their exchange.
“No, because that would require you to be human!”
“It is not my responsibility to explain everything I say to her,” he jerked a thumb back at Julia, “you, or anyone!” Sheldon’s fingers were clenching and unclenching into fists.
Penny threw up her hands in exasperation, “Whatever, Sheldon.”
Sheldon waved a hand back to Julia again, “To use a baseball metaphor, I believe you are up. I will wait for you as you are my ride home, but try not to chit chat, jibber jabber, or generally talk too long as it is Halo night.
Penny ignored him, and marched towards Julia, “Are we ready?”
“Uh, yes, sure, follow me.” Julia didn’t actually want them to stop, but she didn’t have an excuse to keep them there. She let Penny get settled in the interviewee chair. Julia could see Sheldon out of the corner of her eye just off stage, arms crossed and leaning against the sound equipment.
Julia put on her professional smile, “Are you ready Penny?”
“Oh yeah, I’ve been ready for this forever.”
“Excellent. Action!”
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Penny, the Lady of the Well, take one. Penny, tell me the events that led you to fall down the well.”
“Really? The Lady of the Well? Is that really the title they’re going with?”
“Cut! Yes, that’s it. Okay? Ready again? Great. Action!
“This is Julia Matheson, interview with Penny, the Lady of the Well, take two. Penny, tell me the events that led you to fall down the well.”
“Certainly Julia, I was cast in the movie with Renee Zellwegger. My scene was to run up to Renee and say my line, and as I did, the ground gave way, and I fell, about one hundred feet, into an old well. I’m told it’s a near miracle I wasn’t injured.”
“Miraculous indeed! Tell me Penny, once you were there, in the well, what went through your mind?”
“That I had just tripped and fallen my way out of a movie role.”
“Weren’t you scared?”
“Not at first, no. The only thing that I was afraid of was collapse, when I thought I’d try climbing out.”
“You must have felt comforted once your friends arrived.”
“Yes. I have very smart, very good friends. I knew they’d get me out.”
“In particular, Doctor Cooper’s assistance was, I am to understand, most welcome to you.”
“Sheldon?” Sheldon is…very prepared for these types of scenarios.”
“These types of scenarios? Such as?”
“The apocalypse, zombies, alien invasions…”
“And a woman falling into a well?”
“Sheldon is very imaginative.”
“And yet you wanted his assistance, above those of your other friends.”
“Sheldon is also…surprisingly…capable.”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, we can pick up that sound you are making back there. Action! Penny, What are your feelings regarding Doctor Cooper?”
“Currently? Irritation, frustration…”
“Generally?”
“Sheldon can be a good friend. Next topic?”
“Fine. Penny, I also did phone interviews with your family; your father and sister specifically.
“Oh god…”
“Your father said, and I quote, “That girl can get herself in and out of trouble more often than a door opens and closes. But one thing’s for sure, Penny can take care of herself.” Would you care to comment?”
“My dad taught me how to use a baseball bat, which is currently in my kitchen. It’s a great tool for self-defense and ass kicking.”
“I also spoke to your sister, who said, “Penny has always been attention seeking, over dramatic, and not a real blonde. She is also a great kid sister and aunt, and has grown-up in L.A.” What would your response to her be?”
“That it takes an attention seeker to know one. And I am too a real blonde!”
“Cut! Doctor Cooper, we can still pick up that sound you are making even when you hold your hand over your mouth. Quiet on the set! Good. Action! Penny, what were your final thoughts as you were pulled out of the well?”
“Listen. I’m nobody’s damsel in distress. I’m perfectly capable of getting out of tough situations all on my own. In junior rodeo I had to hogtie a bull in less than thirty seconds. And I did. I’m a strong, capable woman who can make it on my own. But sometimes, well, you fall down a well and you need help to get out of it. And you know what? That’s okay.”
“And cut! That’s a wrap folks.”
End.