I know you don't like it. However, I think it is well written and I really appreciate the void that she finds herself in. Whenever one is over their head in a situation, getting out can seem so overwhelming.) Good luck with it.
Hi there! I am one of your editors for the week. I just want to hug Sarah and find a place to take her and her kids away from the beast to whom she is married. I like Sarah. I desperately want her to get free of Rodger. The fact that her husband's homecoming is dubbed “Operation Battlestations” is singularly upsetting.
There is one line I don't understand: “Cameron, at fifteen the most moody and sensitive of the five, would begin quickly clearing as many toys, coats, and random dishes from the family room floras he could manage in a few minutes.” What is a “family room flora?” Other than that confusing bit, this is up to your customary high standards.
I want to hear more about Sarah and her children. I want to see them on the other side of this onslaught, this battle, and I want to see them VICTORIOUS!
Hey there! I'm your other editor for the week. What a way of showing 'chaos' in more of a subdued fashion! I just have three general notes before I get to a few smaller details.
- To make it easier on your readers, make sure you put spaces between the paragraphs! Maybe this is me just being picky, but it looks a lot nicer with the extra spaces. Considering how LJ eats indentations, gotta watch out for that!
- "There should only be one number on a page, and that's the page number." When writing something (stories, novels (essays, even)) you always want to spell out the number instead of using the numeration. Seventeen instead of 17. Four years instead of 4 years. You do switch in the middle of your story, so just make sure you fix it elsewhere! (however, the time is an entirely different issue that I still haven't quite figured out when it should be typed or numerated so... lol)
- This will be the most critical thing I say for this piece: Watch the flow of your story line. The first two sentences and already there is a lack of flow
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There is one line I don't understand: “Cameron, at fifteen the most moody and sensitive of the five, would begin quickly clearing as many toys, coats, and random dishes from the family room floras he could manage in a few minutes.” What is a “family room flora?” Other than that confusing bit, this is up to your customary high standards.
I want to hear more about Sarah and her children. I want to see them on the other side of this onslaught, this battle, and I want to see them VICTORIOUS!
Good luck with this.
Reply
- To make it easier on your readers, make sure you put spaces between the paragraphs! Maybe this is me just being picky, but it looks a lot nicer with the extra spaces. Considering how LJ eats indentations, gotta watch out for that!
- "There should only be one number on a page, and that's the page number." When writing something (stories, novels (essays, even)) you always want to spell out the number instead of using the numeration. Seventeen instead of 17. Four years instead of 4 years. You do switch in the middle of your story, so just make sure you fix it elsewhere! (however, the time is an entirely different issue that I still haven't quite figured out when it should be typed or numerated so... lol)
- This will be the most critical thing I say for this piece: Watch the flow of your story line. The first two sentences and already there is a lack of flow ( ... )
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