You have such a talent for writing about very common, everyday people who find themselves in meaningful situations. It's really a treat to read.
I really love the way your characters always feel developed; as if you thought about each one for quite some time. It's really amazing, no try an write a play, I bet it'd be excellent!
Thank you. Your comments always make me feel so good about what I've written. I've never thought of trying drama. That might be an avenue to explore. A hint about my characters - I tend to base them on people I know, so that may be why they seem so "developed." I've actually had a very interesting, emotionally dramatic life with a lot of experiences . . .
Los EditorosmermaidbiaSeptember 13 2008, 17:26:48 UTC
I'm not good with judging erotic stories, generally, but this was handled with extreme taste and subtlety. Except for one thing that bothered me: “Oh, my god; Oh, my god; Oh, my GOD!” Careful with capital letters, instead of emphasizing a scream they tend to pull it into the ridiculous, especially screams like that. I think it would be more inside the taste of this piece if you just wrote it normally.
- a little grammar (which I hardly ever do): "no-so-subtle flirting" should be not-so-subtle :)
Personally I think the characters are a bit underdeveloped. I would've liked to see more of Annie's dilemma as she slowly lets herself go, a little more nervosity at what they're doing, to give this piece intensity and make her release all the more poignant.
Re: Los EditorostriplescorpioSeptember 13 2008, 17:41:00 UTC
I like what you said, and I agree with it. If I was to go back and re-work this - and I might at some point - I would definitely give more background and development. Unfortunately, I was under much time pressure this week and wrote this late Thursday night by basically just sitting down and simply writing what came to mind. Then I posted and went to bed! But I really feel you observations are accurate.
Hey, I'm one of your editors this week. Not a bad effort for this prompt. Not bad at all. This was a very easy read and enjoyable, even though I think Annie made a terrible choice
( ... )
Re: Edit!triplescorpioSeptember 16 2008, 01:01:12 UTC
Glad you didn't like Derek. He is a jerk. And Annie is a recurring character who always tends to make terrible choices.
I'm pleased you liked the story. I pulled it out at the last minute, which is why the formatting at the end went bad = too tired and needed to get it posted.
As for the jump in the lovemaking scene - I had put in a little curlicue to indicate a break, but when I transferred to the journal format it didn't show up very well. I just wanted to suggest what happened, not write a porn scene. But I can see that, missing the break indicator, it would be confusing.
All your other suggestions are duly noted. Thanks for the edit!
Comments 6
I really love the way your characters always feel developed; as if you thought about each one for quite some time. It's really amazing, no try an write a play, I bet it'd be excellent!
As always, nice work :-)
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“Oh, my god; Oh, my god; Oh, my GOD!”
Careful with capital letters, instead of emphasizing a scream they tend to pull it into the ridiculous, especially screams like that. I think it would be more inside the taste of this piece if you just wrote it normally.
- a little grammar (which I hardly ever do): "no-so-subtle flirting" should be not-so-subtle :)
Personally I think the characters are a bit underdeveloped. I would've liked to see more of Annie's dilemma as she slowly lets herself go, a little more nervosity at what they're doing, to give this piece intensity and make her release all the more poignant.
Other than that - nice work.
Reply
Reply
Reply
I'm pleased you liked the story. I pulled it out at the last minute, which is why the formatting at the end went bad = too tired and needed to get it posted.
As for the jump in the lovemaking scene - I had put in a little curlicue to indicate a break, but when I transferred to the journal format it didn't show up very well. I just wanted to suggest what happened, not write a porn scene. But I can see that, missing the break indicator, it would be confusing.
All your other suggestions are duly noted. Thanks for the edit!
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