Comments | transletters: Coming Out Letter to Brother-in-Law/Housemate

thaddeusdagan in transletters

Coming Out Letter to Brother-in-Law/Housemate

Apr 18, 2010 15:54

I'm coming out as FtM to R, my husband's brother with whom we live, and I've written a letter for him to read and then talk to us about. I'd love some feedback on it before I give it to him. Here's some background for you who don't know it:

( Backstory and exposition )

Comments 7

taxishoes April 19 2010, 16:25:20 UTC

I don't have any feedback, but I want to wish you luck. This seems like a very difficult situation. I hope it all works out for the best.

thaddeusdagan April 19 2010, 19:24:47 UTC

Thank you.

tommytesto April 20 2010, 05:12:31 UTC

Good luck.

What you didn't say in the letter is that you want him to be able to stay in the house. Obviously that will be his choice, but it sounds like it will also involve him dealing with some major life issues via therapy, to the point of getting OK with being seen as gay himself (by virtue of his having been with you, and you and your husband now/soon being potentially read as a gay couple).

The first part - you coming out as trans - will be difficult for him. The decision he will have to make - the implied ultimatum of him staying or going - will be very painful. I hope you all get through it OK. It sounds like you three have had a rare companionship over the years.

thaddeusdagan April 20 2010, 07:32:30 UTC

Thank you. You're right, I didn't mention that I want him to stay in the house. I've been thinking about it, but I also don't want to put the idea in his head that he might need to leave if it's not going to occur to him otherwise, you know?

I think you hit the nail on the head with your observations about his having to deal with life issues himself, and I think that actually makes it clearer to me why I'm so worried about his reaction - this situation is dealing with issues that he's frankly never dealt with, and I'm not sure he's willing to. And it's not exactly the easiest situation for him to have to confront them in.

ps tommytesto April 20 2010, 05:14:31 UTC

"The suicide rate among untreated transsexuals is over 30%."

I have done some transgender suicide prevention work, and this extreme statistic is unfamiliar to me. Can you please give the source?

Re: ps thaddeusdagan April 20 2010, 08:14:32 UTC

As far as I know, it's an unconfirmed statistic - if you have a more accurate idea of the situation based on your experience I'd love to hear it.

Gah, I can't find the actual page (I've been doing way too much random web searching and information gathering on the web these past couple of months and not tracking it very well), but I'm 99% sure it came from transsexual.org. The only statistic I can find there now, though, is 50% by age 30, and I'm not certain how much I trust any of her scientific info. I'm sorry I can't remember more specifically. If I remember, or find it, I'll comment again.

Re: ps thaddeusdagan April 20 2010, 08:24:06 UTC

Also, in reply to your deleted comment: I'm not sure. I think I will put it behind a friends-lock once I give the letter to him. I tried to be as vague as possible in respect for his privacy while still giving enough info that others would understand the situation, and that's always a difficult line to walk. I have no idea whether I succeeded or, more importantly, whether he would think I succeeded ( ... )