東亞細亞 LOVE SONG TOUR
Pairings: Eames/Arthur
Summary: In an attempt to woo Eames the way he implies he would like to be wooed, Arthur asks for a little help from his friends throughout East Asia. Unfortunately, the cosmos conspires against him.
Notes: Haha, no, I don't speak it :'( Thank you to kiwimangoodness and fouenpassant! ♥ And no thanks to Formspring, who made this possible, but is broken at the moment, which is frustrating.
Their landlady is lovely, built like a stork with her magnificent silver hair sweeping back over her ears, but the problem is that she takes a liking to Eames. She presses the key to the house into his palm, patting the back of his hand, murmuring something in Armenian like a secret into his ear as she tugs her suitcase out the door. Eames looks enchanted.
"Have a safe trip, Veronika," he calls after her.
"Really?" asks Ariadne. "You're on a first-name basis with her?"
"It was a rapid relationship," says Eames.
"It lasted ten minutes," says Yusuf.
"It was a very rapid relationship," says Eames. "What can I say? I have a weakness for people who say kind things to me in languages I don't speak. It's very charming. It's like listening to a particularly esoteric bit of poetry."
"Huh," says Arthur.
"Of course you disapprove," says Eames, "though I haven't the faintest why."
Ariadne spots a pool out past the balcony and throws her bag onto a couch, whooping. Eames and Yusuf lug the equipment upstairs, and Arthur stares after them for a long while, silent.
+
They've scheduled the job around it, so it's all right for work to grind to a halt when Arthur leaves for a series of conferences dotted across East Asia. Ariadne spends most of her time floating outside in the pool with sunglasses that cover half her face, sighing I love Pasadena every so often. Yusuf continues experimenting, but idly, and he ends up mixing drinks about as often as he does chemicals. Eames goes out for a walk and makes friends with all the dogs within a 50-mile radius.
Cobb joins them, as soon as summer break starts for his children and they can travel to Greece with their grandparents. Saito is strangely unoccupied, as usual, and hosts a wine tasting party for the entire neighborhood when he arrives for an extended vacation. Cobb has some contacts in Oregon that he invites down for the occasion. It's a party that takes three days for all the guests to leave.
Things have calmed down a bit when Cobb receives an e-mail from Arthur.
"He wants a video conference," says Cobb.
"What for?" asks Ariadne. "Oh, no, is he going to yell at us for having fun?"
"He's the one traipsing about all of East Asia," says Eames. "If he can't have fun, he has no one but himself to blame."
"You know he's just going to sulk if we don't indulge him," says Yusuf. "He'll hold the intel hostage and refuse to fly back."
They indulge him. Ariadne puts on a shirt with sleeves, and Cobb shaves the tangle of his beard, discovering that his razor has started becoming rusty in the meanwhile.
"This is how you get tetanus," he says, horrified.
"I'll run out for an extra," says Eames. "Say hello to Arthur for me, tell me how constipated he looks when he hears I've been doing well."
They pull up their chairs around a laptop. Arthur shows up on screen with a young woman they've never seen before.
"Greetings from Changhua," says Arthur. "Everyone, this is Mingxia."
"Extractor by trade," says Mingxia. "Though I've done nothing but teach Arthur Mandarin for the past couple of days."
"To be precise," Arthur says to Mingxia, "mostly you just taught me pronunciation."
"There wasn't time for much else," she says.
"What's going on, Arthur?" asks Cobb.
"There's something I want all of you to listen to," says Arthur. "Especially Eames."
"Arthur," says Saito, "Mr. Eames is--"
But Arthur is pulling up a guitar from below the desk, and Mingxia walks out of the shot, her hands appearing back onscreen with a sketchpad that says A VERY IMPORTANT LOVE SONG FROM ARTHUR TO EAMES IN CHINESE.
"Uh--" says Yusuf.
Arthur strums a couple of chords, glaring intently at the strings like he expects them to perform at their highest capacity, and Mingxia turns the page, where it says, I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE.
"我其他人都不想要," sings Arthur.
"...Wait, Arth--" begins Ariadne.
"當我想起你就要觸摸自己," he sings.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, says the sketchpad, I TOUCH MYSELF.
"哦我其他人都不想要--"
OOH I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE
"--不要不要不要--"
OH NO OH NO OH NO
"--只有你会使我赶紧追上--"
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME COME RUNNING
"Arthur," yells Ariadne, pushing her face up against the microphone, "listen, Arthur, Eames isn't here right now."
"只有你-- what?" Arthur's hand stills on the guitar. "What do you-- where is he?"
"He, uh," says Cobb, "went to buy some razors."
"...Oh," says Arthur.
Nobody says anything. Mingxia's hands disappear with the sketchpad.
"Hey," says Yusuf, "if I may, I'd like to suggest that you write your own song for seducing Eames, next time-- 'I Touch Myself' may be appropriate but I can't help but feel that he would award you bonus points if creativity were somehow inv--"
"Cobb," says Arthur, "I will e-mail you with a list of further dates for video conference calls."
"...Okay," says Cobb. "Arthur, um--"
The screen goes blank.
+
Eames comes back twenty minutes later with a plastic bag in his hand and a Twizzler in his mouth.
"What did I miss?" he asks.
"Nothing," says Ariadne. "Nothing."
"Nothing," says Yusuf. "Arthur says hi."
"Really?" asks Eames, raising his eyebrows. "What's gotten into him? So he's decided he wants to be nice to me all of a sudden?"
"It appears so," says Saito, delicately.
Arthur wants 8 in the morning the Tuesday next for a second video conference, and though they offer up some feeble protests, he says that the time difference leaves him no choice. They gather around the laptop with pillow creases on their cheeks, hair piled on top of their heads, bleary except for Saito who has somehow already gone on a run, made himself a protein shake, showered, and changed into a clean shirt and slacks.
"It's midnight in Fukuoka," says Arthur. "And this is Hanae."
"Recon and surveillance expert," she says. "Just for today, though, I'll be handling the cue cards."
"Yusuf," says Arthur, "you'll be glad to know that I've taken your advice."
"What advice," asks Yusuf, weakly.
"I have written a song," says Arthur, and brandishes his guitar. "It's called, 'Japanese Love Song'."
"That's..." says Yusuf, "that's a very accurate title, I presume."
Hanae's hands slide onto the screen, and the paper she's holding up says, JAPANESE LOVE SONG.
"皿洗いの間に、アンタの事を考えている," sings Arthur.
WHILE WASHING THE DISHES, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"掃除の間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE CLEANING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"--シャワーの間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE TAKING A SHOWER, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"--ウォー"
WHOA-A
"...Wait," says Ariadne. "Guys, where's--"
"--料理の間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE COOKING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"Where's Eames?" asks Ariadne.
"--クリーニングの間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE DRY CLEANING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"Oh, shit," says Cobb, looking around, "he was here just a minute ago!"
"--何もを出来なくて、アンタの思い出に耽って--"
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, I'M LOST IN MEMORIES OF YOU
"I think he went to the restroom and fell asleep," says Yusuf.
"--ウォー"
WHOA-A
"Arthur," says Ariadne, "Arthur, the thing is-- Eames isn't-- Eames isn't here anymore."
"Did he leave?" asks Arthur, his eyes wide.
"No, uh," says Ariadne, "we think he might have fallen asleep in the bathroom."
Nobody says anything. Hanae clears her throat.
Saito gets to his feet and starts clapping.
+
They decide to try 8 in the evening, the next time around. Nobody manages to work up the nerve to tell Eames anything, and the only person who might have the courage -- Saito -- declares that it is not his policy to interfere in matters of the heart.
"Love is something that must be won by those who are in love," he says.
"That is touching," says Yusuf, "but if you notice Eames missing, you'll say so, right?"
"That, I promise," says Saito.
They clear the table to make room for the laptop, pushing aside Yusuf's equipment, Cobb's diagrams, Ariadne's Nutella. Everyone sneaks a glance at Eames out of the corner of their eye, but he seems oblivious to their attention, chin resting casually on his hand.
"Before I do anything else," says Arthur, "I want to make sure that Eames is present."
"I'm here," says Eames. "Good god, are you going to tell me off for missing the last two chats we've had?"
"No," says Arthur, "I-- no, I'm-- no, not..."
"Arthur," says Ariadne, "are you stuttering?"
"I'm in Seoul," he says, ignoring her. "It is currently two minutes past noon, and I have Kang with me-- Cobb, you've met him before."
"Good to see you again," says Kang.
"Oh, hey, I remember you," says Cobb. "You had that weird obsession with floor-to-ceiling windows."
"It is most definitely not a weird obsession," says Kang. "I have a healthy respect and admiration for natural light, okay, there's nothing weird about wanting to integrate a living area into the surr--"
"This reunion is very touching," says Arthur, "but can we get back to my mission, please?"
"Right, right," says Kang, and pulls out a notebook. Arthur arranges the strap of the guitar around his neck.
"Is this one called 'Korean Love Song'?" asks Yusuf.
"No," says Arthur. "It's called 'A Love Song in Korean'."
KOREAN LOVE SONG, says the notepad.
"Actually--" begins Kang, peering at it.
"I'm going to start singing," says Arthur, and sings, "대체 몇 번을 이래야 되겠냐--"
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DO THIS
"--사람이 애가 타는데 맘대로 되지도 않고--"
I'M DESPERATE HERE AND NOTHING'S WORKING OUT
"--야 미스터 임스 내 사랑을 좀 받아주지 그래--"
HEY MR. EAMES HOW ABOUT YOU ACCEPT MY LOVE
"--나랑 단란한 가정을 꾸려나가 보자고--"
LET'S TRY A LITTLE DOMESTICITY TOGETHER
"--그러면서 밤에는 밤 일을 하는 거지--"
AND AT NIGHT WE CAN ENGAGE IN NIGHTTIME ACTIVITIES
"...Wait," says Cobb. "What?"
"--날 허덕이게 만들어 보고 싶지 않아?"
DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE ME PANT FOR IT?
Ariadne gasps.
"날 깔고 열고 만져서 울리고 싶지 않아?"
DON'T YOU WANT TO PUSH ME DOWN, OPEN ME, TOUCH ME, MAKE ME SOB?
"He made me translate this," Kang yells from offscreen.
"맘대로 하게 해 줄 테니까 일단 나랑 사귀자--"
I'LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER SO PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME
Arthur shreds a furious series of notes and ends up sounding completely silly because he is playing on an acoustic guitar, but at last he rips out a long, dragging final chord and snaps his head up, eyes glinting.
Nobody says anything.
"Eames," says Yusuf, at the back of his head. "Eames?"
Eames doesn't say anything.
"Hello," says Ariadne, and pokes his arm with a finger.
Eames's hand slips from underneath his chin, and his head goes crashing onto the table.
"Oh, great," groans Yusuf, "he drank from that beaker, didn't he-- oh, very smart, greatest forger alive. Very smart."
"What?" asks Arthur, clutching the neck of his guitar. "What happened?"
"Apparently your future boyfriend decided he was thirsty," says Yusuf, yanking Eames up by his hair, "and thought it would be a good idea to drink the sedative I was working on."
"How was he supposed to know it was a sedative?" demands Arthur. "Why don't you keep these things out of reach?"
"I had assumed that he was not a five-year-old child!" protests Yusuf. "And why are you on his side, you're not going out yet!"
"Did he hear anything?" asks Arthur. "Oh my god, what the hell is this, who do I even blame anymore--"
+
It turns out Eames hadn't heard a single word of Arthur's song. The last thing he says he remembers is Cobb and Kang yelling at each other about something.
"Windows, I think," he says, helpfully.
Arthur returns to California a few days later, and they reserve a booth at a ritzy bar to cheer him up for the universe evidently being determined to sabotage his love life. They tell Eames that it's to celebrate his return.
"That's out of the ordinary," says Eames.
"Arthur had a difficult trip," says Cobb. "He's-- he's allergic to rice."
"Really?" asks Eames, frowning, "what about all of that takeout that we--"
"Sometimes, allergies develop in response to overexposure," says Yusuf. "It may be precisely because of all the takeout Chinese food that he is now apparently allergic to rice."
"Really," says Eames, but Yusuf puts on his goggles, which gives him just the right amount of scientific emphasis needed to curtail the argument.
Arthur looks very weary when he arrives.
"I watched five in-flight movies," he says. "I couldn't sleep a wink."
They drive him straight to the bar, where he gives Eames a quick glance before sliding into the booth after him. Saito follows, and the rest of the team perch on the opposite bench. They eye Arthur nervously, but he seems determined to pretend that he hadn't just been frantically wooing Eames over video conference calls with a series of badly-pronounced songs in foreign languages.
It takes him five martinis (which are basically just gin) and three gin-and-tonics (which are basically just gin) to break.
"Eames," he's saying, shaking Eames by the shoulder, "Eames, Eames, hey, Eames."
"Yes, Arthur," says Eames.
"So there's this thing that happened," says Arthur. "Because you said-- remember you said-- about it being like poetry?"
"I... don't, to be honest," says Eames.
"You did," says Arthur, and jabs a finger into Eames's chest. "So I took the hint, you know? Because that's what you like. And I was in Taiwan, so I asked Mingxia for help, and that was before Yusuf told me I should write something, so maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway."
"All right," says Eames, "darling, I have no bloody idea what we're talking about--"
"Yes, well, of course you don't," says Arthur, "you went off to buy razors or something else stupid, I mean honestly, who does that, you can't leave to buy razors when I'm about to serenade you, asshole."
"When you're--" Eames coughs. "Wait, when you're-- when you're about to what?"
"Nothing!" yells Arthur. "We said-- everybody said we would never talk about it again, oh my god, it was supposed to be-- we weren't going to talk about it, who mentioned it? We promised!"
"You mentioned it, Arthur," says Cobb.
"Oh," says Arthur. "Yeah, okay, whatever, the point is-- the point is, it wasn't something I wrote but it was awesome, okay, and then the next one from Japan was even more awesome because I wrote it, and the one from Korea, that was fucking awesome too, except you sedated yourself instead of listening to it, good job."
"What are these songs?" Eames asks the rest of the team imploringly. "What songs?"
"My love songs," says Arthur, pulling at Eames's ear. "They were so awesome, Eames, you would have totally fallen in love with me if you'd heard them. No, don't argue with me, I know you would have, I ran dream simulations-- you totally fell for it every single time, you were like, oh, Arthur, I love you and can't wait to kiss you on the mouth in a romantic way, and I was like, Jesus Christ, finally, and then as soon as I got back you'd throw me onto that big coffee table in the living room-- except none of that ever happened because you wouldn't listen to my songs, why not, why don't you love me."
Eames's jaw has fallen open, and he stares at Arthur like he's just uncovered an alien beneath his skin.
"Goddammit, Eames," says Arthur, "why don't you love me?"
He drains the last of his gin, and he fixes his eyes on the bottom of the glass, his expression settling into what he would call brooding but is really just a drunken pout.
"Asshole," mutters Arthur.
He turns toward Saito.
"Eames is an asshole," Arthur tells him. "Why couldn't I love someone more attainable? Like Claudia Schiffer?"
"She is a beautiful woman," says Saito.
Arthur sniffles, and his head tips onto Saito's shoulder.
Nobody says anything.
"He's going to start crying in his sleep, you know," says Cobb, eventually. "He's going to get your suit wet."
"I have been wept on before by heartbroken lovers," says Saito. "It turns out that tear stains are very easy to remove."
He slides a careful hand in under Arthur's cheek and tilts him the other way, onto Eames's shoulder.
"The songs," says Ariadne, "they were really very sweet."
Haltingly, Eames brushes Arthur's hair out of his face.
"I'll have to ask if I can hear them," he says. "I'm sure they were."
Summary: In an attempt to woo Eames the way he implies he would like to be wooed, Arthur asks for a little help from his friends throughout East Asia. Unfortunately, the cosmos conspires against him.
Notes: Haha, no, I don't speak it :'( Thank you to kiwimangoodness and fouenpassant! ♥ And no thanks to Formspring, who made this possible, but is broken at the moment, which is frustrating.
Their landlady is lovely, built like a stork with her magnificent silver hair sweeping back over her ears, but the problem is that she takes a liking to Eames. She presses the key to the house into his palm, patting the back of his hand, murmuring something in Armenian like a secret into his ear as she tugs her suitcase out the door. Eames looks enchanted.
"Have a safe trip, Veronika," he calls after her.
"Really?" asks Ariadne. "You're on a first-name basis with her?"
"It was a rapid relationship," says Eames.
"It lasted ten minutes," says Yusuf.
"It was a very rapid relationship," says Eames. "What can I say? I have a weakness for people who say kind things to me in languages I don't speak. It's very charming. It's like listening to a particularly esoteric bit of poetry."
"Huh," says Arthur.
"Of course you disapprove," says Eames, "though I haven't the faintest why."
Ariadne spots a pool out past the balcony and throws her bag onto a couch, whooping. Eames and Yusuf lug the equipment upstairs, and Arthur stares after them for a long while, silent.
+
They've scheduled the job around it, so it's all right for work to grind to a halt when Arthur leaves for a series of conferences dotted across East Asia. Ariadne spends most of her time floating outside in the pool with sunglasses that cover half her face, sighing I love Pasadena every so often. Yusuf continues experimenting, but idly, and he ends up mixing drinks about as often as he does chemicals. Eames goes out for a walk and makes friends with all the dogs within a 50-mile radius.
Cobb joins them, as soon as summer break starts for his children and they can travel to Greece with their grandparents. Saito is strangely unoccupied, as usual, and hosts a wine tasting party for the entire neighborhood when he arrives for an extended vacation. Cobb has some contacts in Oregon that he invites down for the occasion. It's a party that takes three days for all the guests to leave.
Things have calmed down a bit when Cobb receives an e-mail from Arthur.
"He wants a video conference," says Cobb.
"What for?" asks Ariadne. "Oh, no, is he going to yell at us for having fun?"
"He's the one traipsing about all of East Asia," says Eames. "If he can't have fun, he has no one but himself to blame."
"You know he's just going to sulk if we don't indulge him," says Yusuf. "He'll hold the intel hostage and refuse to fly back."
They indulge him. Ariadne puts on a shirt with sleeves, and Cobb shaves the tangle of his beard, discovering that his razor has started becoming rusty in the meanwhile.
"This is how you get tetanus," he says, horrified.
"I'll run out for an extra," says Eames. "Say hello to Arthur for me, tell me how constipated he looks when he hears I've been doing well."
They pull up their chairs around a laptop. Arthur shows up on screen with a young woman they've never seen before.
"Greetings from Changhua," says Arthur. "Everyone, this is Mingxia."
"Extractor by trade," says Mingxia. "Though I've done nothing but teach Arthur Mandarin for the past couple of days."
"To be precise," Arthur says to Mingxia, "mostly you just taught me pronunciation."
"There wasn't time for much else," she says.
"What's going on, Arthur?" asks Cobb.
"There's something I want all of you to listen to," says Arthur. "Especially Eames."
"Arthur," says Saito, "Mr. Eames is--"
But Arthur is pulling up a guitar from below the desk, and Mingxia walks out of the shot, her hands appearing back onscreen with a sketchpad that says A VERY IMPORTANT LOVE SONG FROM ARTHUR TO EAMES IN CHINESE.
"Uh--" says Yusuf.
Arthur strums a couple of chords, glaring intently at the strings like he expects them to perform at their highest capacity, and Mingxia turns the page, where it says, I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE.
"我其他人都不想要," sings Arthur.
"...Wait, Arth--" begins Ariadne.
"當我想起你就要觸摸自己," he sings.
WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, says the sketchpad, I TOUCH MYSELF.
"哦我其他人都不想要--"
OOH I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE
"--不要不要不要--"
OH NO OH NO OH NO
"--只有你会使我赶紧追上--"
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME COME RUNNING
"Arthur," yells Ariadne, pushing her face up against the microphone, "listen, Arthur, Eames isn't here right now."
"只有你-- what?" Arthur's hand stills on the guitar. "What do you-- where is he?"
"He, uh," says Cobb, "went to buy some razors."
"...Oh," says Arthur.
Nobody says anything. Mingxia's hands disappear with the sketchpad.
"Hey," says Yusuf, "if I may, I'd like to suggest that you write your own song for seducing Eames, next time-- 'I Touch Myself' may be appropriate but I can't help but feel that he would award you bonus points if creativity were somehow inv--"
"Cobb," says Arthur, "I will e-mail you with a list of further dates for video conference calls."
"...Okay," says Cobb. "Arthur, um--"
The screen goes blank.
+
Eames comes back twenty minutes later with a plastic bag in his hand and a Twizzler in his mouth.
"What did I miss?" he asks.
"Nothing," says Ariadne. "Nothing."
"Nothing," says Yusuf. "Arthur says hi."
"Really?" asks Eames, raising his eyebrows. "What's gotten into him? So he's decided he wants to be nice to me all of a sudden?"
"It appears so," says Saito, delicately.
Arthur wants 8 in the morning the Tuesday next for a second video conference, and though they offer up some feeble protests, he says that the time difference leaves him no choice. They gather around the laptop with pillow creases on their cheeks, hair piled on top of their heads, bleary except for Saito who has somehow already gone on a run, made himself a protein shake, showered, and changed into a clean shirt and slacks.
"It's midnight in Fukuoka," says Arthur. "And this is Hanae."
"Recon and surveillance expert," she says. "Just for today, though, I'll be handling the cue cards."
"Yusuf," says Arthur, "you'll be glad to know that I've taken your advice."
"What advice," asks Yusuf, weakly.
"I have written a song," says Arthur, and brandishes his guitar. "It's called, 'Japanese Love Song'."
"That's..." says Yusuf, "that's a very accurate title, I presume."
Hanae's hands slide onto the screen, and the paper she's holding up says, JAPANESE LOVE SONG.
"皿洗いの間に、アンタの事を考えている," sings Arthur.
WHILE WASHING THE DISHES, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"掃除の間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE CLEANING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"--シャワーの間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE TAKING A SHOWER, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"--ウォー"
WHOA-A
"...Wait," says Ariadne. "Guys, where's--"
"--料理の間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE COOKING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"Where's Eames?" asks Ariadne.
"--クリーニングの間に、アンタの事を考えている--"
WHILE DRY CLEANING, I THINK ABOUT YOU
"Oh, shit," says Cobb, looking around, "he was here just a minute ago!"
"--何もを出来なくて、アンタの思い出に耽って--"
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, I'M LOST IN MEMORIES OF YOU
"I think he went to the restroom and fell asleep," says Yusuf.
"--ウォー"
WHOA-A
"Arthur," says Ariadne, "Arthur, the thing is-- Eames isn't-- Eames isn't here anymore."
"Did he leave?" asks Arthur, his eyes wide.
"No, uh," says Ariadne, "we think he might have fallen asleep in the bathroom."
Nobody says anything. Hanae clears her throat.
Saito gets to his feet and starts clapping.
+
They decide to try 8 in the evening, the next time around. Nobody manages to work up the nerve to tell Eames anything, and the only person who might have the courage -- Saito -- declares that it is not his policy to interfere in matters of the heart.
"Love is something that must be won by those who are in love," he says.
"That is touching," says Yusuf, "but if you notice Eames missing, you'll say so, right?"
"That, I promise," says Saito.
They clear the table to make room for the laptop, pushing aside Yusuf's equipment, Cobb's diagrams, Ariadne's Nutella. Everyone sneaks a glance at Eames out of the corner of their eye, but he seems oblivious to their attention, chin resting casually on his hand.
"Before I do anything else," says Arthur, "I want to make sure that Eames is present."
"I'm here," says Eames. "Good god, are you going to tell me off for missing the last two chats we've had?"
"No," says Arthur, "I-- no, I'm-- no, not..."
"Arthur," says Ariadne, "are you stuttering?"
"I'm in Seoul," he says, ignoring her. "It is currently two minutes past noon, and I have Kang with me-- Cobb, you've met him before."
"Good to see you again," says Kang.
"Oh, hey, I remember you," says Cobb. "You had that weird obsession with floor-to-ceiling windows."
"It is most definitely not a weird obsession," says Kang. "I have a healthy respect and admiration for natural light, okay, there's nothing weird about wanting to integrate a living area into the surr--"
"This reunion is very touching," says Arthur, "but can we get back to my mission, please?"
"Right, right," says Kang, and pulls out a notebook. Arthur arranges the strap of the guitar around his neck.
"Is this one called 'Korean Love Song'?" asks Yusuf.
"No," says Arthur. "It's called 'A Love Song in Korean'."
KOREAN LOVE SONG, says the notepad.
"Actually--" begins Kang, peering at it.
"I'm going to start singing," says Arthur, and sings, "대체 몇 번을 이래야 되겠냐--"
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO DO THIS
"--사람이 애가 타는데 맘대로 되지도 않고--"
I'M DESPERATE HERE AND NOTHING'S WORKING OUT
"--야 미스터 임스 내 사랑을 좀 받아주지 그래--"
HEY MR. EAMES HOW ABOUT YOU ACCEPT MY LOVE
"--나랑 단란한 가정을 꾸려나가 보자고--"
LET'S TRY A LITTLE DOMESTICITY TOGETHER
"--그러면서 밤에는 밤 일을 하는 거지--"
AND AT NIGHT WE CAN ENGAGE IN NIGHTTIME ACTIVITIES
"...Wait," says Cobb. "What?"
"--날 허덕이게 만들어 보고 싶지 않아?"
DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE ME PANT FOR IT?
Ariadne gasps.
"날 깔고 열고 만져서 울리고 싶지 않아?"
DON'T YOU WANT TO PUSH ME DOWN, OPEN ME, TOUCH ME, MAKE ME SOB?
"He made me translate this," Kang yells from offscreen.
"맘대로 하게 해 줄 테니까 일단 나랑 사귀자--"
I'LL LET YOU DO WHATEVER SO PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME
Arthur shreds a furious series of notes and ends up sounding completely silly because he is playing on an acoustic guitar, but at last he rips out a long, dragging final chord and snaps his head up, eyes glinting.
Nobody says anything.
"Eames," says Yusuf, at the back of his head. "Eames?"
Eames doesn't say anything.
"Hello," says Ariadne, and pokes his arm with a finger.
Eames's hand slips from underneath his chin, and his head goes crashing onto the table.
"Oh, great," groans Yusuf, "he drank from that beaker, didn't he-- oh, very smart, greatest forger alive. Very smart."
"What?" asks Arthur, clutching the neck of his guitar. "What happened?"
"Apparently your future boyfriend decided he was thirsty," says Yusuf, yanking Eames up by his hair, "and thought it would be a good idea to drink the sedative I was working on."
"How was he supposed to know it was a sedative?" demands Arthur. "Why don't you keep these things out of reach?"
"I had assumed that he was not a five-year-old child!" protests Yusuf. "And why are you on his side, you're not going out yet!"
"Did he hear anything?" asks Arthur. "Oh my god, what the hell is this, who do I even blame anymore--"
+
It turns out Eames hadn't heard a single word of Arthur's song. The last thing he says he remembers is Cobb and Kang yelling at each other about something.
"Windows, I think," he says, helpfully.
Arthur returns to California a few days later, and they reserve a booth at a ritzy bar to cheer him up for the universe evidently being determined to sabotage his love life. They tell Eames that it's to celebrate his return.
"That's out of the ordinary," says Eames.
"Arthur had a difficult trip," says Cobb. "He's-- he's allergic to rice."
"Really?" asks Eames, frowning, "what about all of that takeout that we--"
"Sometimes, allergies develop in response to overexposure," says Yusuf. "It may be precisely because of all the takeout Chinese food that he is now apparently allergic to rice."
"Really," says Eames, but Yusuf puts on his goggles, which gives him just the right amount of scientific emphasis needed to curtail the argument.
Arthur looks very weary when he arrives.
"I watched five in-flight movies," he says. "I couldn't sleep a wink."
They drive him straight to the bar, where he gives Eames a quick glance before sliding into the booth after him. Saito follows, and the rest of the team perch on the opposite bench. They eye Arthur nervously, but he seems determined to pretend that he hadn't just been frantically wooing Eames over video conference calls with a series of badly-pronounced songs in foreign languages.
It takes him five martinis (which are basically just gin) and three gin-and-tonics (which are basically just gin) to break.
"Eames," he's saying, shaking Eames by the shoulder, "Eames, Eames, hey, Eames."
"Yes, Arthur," says Eames.
"So there's this thing that happened," says Arthur. "Because you said-- remember you said-- about it being like poetry?"
"I... don't, to be honest," says Eames.
"You did," says Arthur, and jabs a finger into Eames's chest. "So I took the hint, you know? Because that's what you like. And I was in Taiwan, so I asked Mingxia for help, and that was before Yusuf told me I should write something, so maybe it wouldn't have worked anyway."
"All right," says Eames, "darling, I have no bloody idea what we're talking about--"
"Yes, well, of course you don't," says Arthur, "you went off to buy razors or something else stupid, I mean honestly, who does that, you can't leave to buy razors when I'm about to serenade you, asshole."
"When you're--" Eames coughs. "Wait, when you're-- when you're about to what?"
"Nothing!" yells Arthur. "We said-- everybody said we would never talk about it again, oh my god, it was supposed to be-- we weren't going to talk about it, who mentioned it? We promised!"
"You mentioned it, Arthur," says Cobb.
"Oh," says Arthur. "Yeah, okay, whatever, the point is-- the point is, it wasn't something I wrote but it was awesome, okay, and then the next one from Japan was even more awesome because I wrote it, and the one from Korea, that was fucking awesome too, except you sedated yourself instead of listening to it, good job."
"What are these songs?" Eames asks the rest of the team imploringly. "What songs?"
"My love songs," says Arthur, pulling at Eames's ear. "They were so awesome, Eames, you would have totally fallen in love with me if you'd heard them. No, don't argue with me, I know you would have, I ran dream simulations-- you totally fell for it every single time, you were like, oh, Arthur, I love you and can't wait to kiss you on the mouth in a romantic way, and I was like, Jesus Christ, finally, and then as soon as I got back you'd throw me onto that big coffee table in the living room-- except none of that ever happened because you wouldn't listen to my songs, why not, why don't you love me."
Eames's jaw has fallen open, and he stares at Arthur like he's just uncovered an alien beneath his skin.
"Goddammit, Eames," says Arthur, "why don't you love me?"
He drains the last of his gin, and he fixes his eyes on the bottom of the glass, his expression settling into what he would call brooding but is really just a drunken pout.
"Asshole," mutters Arthur.
He turns toward Saito.
"Eames is an asshole," Arthur tells him. "Why couldn't I love someone more attainable? Like Claudia Schiffer?"
"She is a beautiful woman," says Saito.
Arthur sniffles, and his head tips onto Saito's shoulder.
Nobody says anything.
"He's going to start crying in his sleep, you know," says Cobb, eventually. "He's going to get your suit wet."
"I have been wept on before by heartbroken lovers," says Saito. "It turns out that tear stains are very easy to remove."
He slides a careful hand in under Arthur's cheek and tilts him the other way, onto Eames's shoulder.
"The songs," says Ariadne, "they were really very sweet."
Haltingly, Eames brushes Arthur's hair out of his face.
"I'll have to ask if I can hear them," he says. "I'm sure they were."