Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarves- Crack Crossover Fic
I can't believe I finally found my old creative writing folder! I'll post a couple of them here, so to start I am proud to present...
Title: Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarves
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack, randomness, making fun of Harry Potter, Voldemort, etc., uh... not sure if yaoi counts (but whatever)
Summary: Crack, crossover-type fic that takes Harry Potter characters and stuck them in a plot similar to that of Snow White.
~*~
Once upon a time, the insecure king, Voldemort, did two things. He adopted the title of queen because it made him feel pretty, and he wanted to have the most marshmallows in the world.
In his quest to have the most marshmallows, he found that his and Bellatrix's adopted son, Harry, had the most marshmallows anywhere. In an effort to raise his numbers, Queen Voldemort blackmailed supermarkets worldwide to obtain more marshmallows. As soon as he received a new shipment, he would consult his magical mirror, Sybil Trelawney, and every time he got the same answer.
"Harry Potter still has more marshmallows you persisten dolt," Trelawney the Mirror told him in a bored voice for the hundredth time.
"Silence you insolent mirror!" Queen Voldemort shouted. "Who asked you anyway?!"
"You did, your distastefulness," she replied with a mock bow.
"Shut up!" he yelled, folding his arms. "Now make me a prophecy about me and how many marshmallows I'll have."
"Do I look like a Seer to you?" Trelawney the Mirror retorted, scowling.
"Make me a PROPHECY!" he bellowed.
"Fine!" she grumbled. "Let's see... er... If you send Harry... um... into the... uh... wood, you will have a chance."
"Yay!" Queen Voldemort cried, proceeding to skip around the room in glee. "Snape! Come hither Snape!"
When Snape came in, Queen Voldemort stopped skipping and straightened his ridiculously immense crown.
"What do you want, my king?" Snape asked curtly.
"It's QUEEN! Don't call me by that demeaning and derogatory title!" he shrieked. "I AM QUEEN VOLDEMORT!"
"Alright, my queen, why have you disturbed me?" Snape inquired, completely unfazed by the yelling. "I think I was close to finding a simple method to immortaility."
"Immortality can wait, I don't need to live forever," Queen Voldemort remarked airily. "What I want is for you to take our kid out into the woods and kill him."
Snape's eyes widened in shock.
"My queen, I... I thought you loved our son, Roonil Wazlib," he stammered.
"Oh heavens no!" Queen Voldemort exclaimed. "Not my dear Roonil! I meant the brat Bella and I adopted, Harry."
Snape's face relaxed a little.
"I'll take care of him, my queen," Snape promised. "But what's in it for me?"
"I'll get you a year's supply of marshmallows," he said off-handedly. "Just get rid of the brat any way you please."
"As you wish," Snape replied with a small bow.
He left the demented man to his ridiculous thought and went to Harry's room. Loud, heavy metal rock music could be heard, causing the wooden door to rattle on its hinges. Snape banged on the door and after a few seconds the music turned off and the door flew open. Standing in front of him was a young teenage boy with piercings all over his ears, eyebrows, nose, and lips. His face was a ghostly white, his eyes bore black eyeliner and eyeshadow, and what very little could be seen of his lips were smothered in black lipstick. HArry crossed his arms to reveal fingernails painted black as well.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Harry shouted. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO BE EMO AND ANGSTY?!"
"I'm supposed to bring you into the forest and kill you," Snape answered lazily. "It's your father, the queen's, orders because you have more marshmallows than he does. However, I'm feeling uncharacteristically nice, so I'll jsut leave you in the woods to fend for yourself."
"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT MY MARSHMALLOWS?!" the overly-angsty boy roared. "I AM DEPENDENT ON THEIR FLUFFY AND SUGARY GOODNESS!"
"Pack them up and take them with you Potter," Snape scowled impatiently. "Just do it quickly."
Ten minutes later, Harry was trailing after Snape with two massive sacks loaded with marshmallows thrown over his shoulders. They traveled a way into the forest and stopped in a clearing.
"Well, Potter, this is where I leave you," Snape told him. "Are you going to thank me for sparing your life?"
"THANKS FOR NOTHING, YOU DISOBEDIENT WENCH!" Harry boomed. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT MY MUSIC TO MAKE ME EMO?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MY NINETY-SEVEN PIERCINGS?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REAPPLY MY EYELINER?!"
"You ungrateful, spoiled brat, I know how to handle you," Snape growled. He turned his head and whistled. "Turnip! Come here!"
"SNAPE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he shouted.
"Getting you a friend," the older man replied with an evil grin.
That said, Snape turned on his heel and headed back for the palace laughing maniacally. Harry gulped and noticed two bright, crimson eyes staring out of the shadows.
"WHO GOES THERE?!" Harry asked loudly, anxiety clashing with his ever-present yelling. "SHOW YOURSELF!"
A bush rustled and Harry found himself staring at a fluffy white rabbit with ruby red eyes. It cocked its head to one side, twitched its nose, and stared back.
"AREN'T YOU ADORABLE?!" Harry yelled. "ARE YOU TURNIP?"
Harry drew closer to the little rabbit and saw it bare its teeth at him. He felt the blood drain from his already pale face when he saw it had bloodstained fangs.
"OH CRUD!!" he exclaimed, picking up his marshmallow bags and running. "NICE RABBIT!! GOOD RABBIT!!"
Harry didn't know how far or how fast he ran. All he thought about was if he had managed to leave behind Snape's rabbit. He didn't stop until he fell to his knees, out of breath. When Harry was able to stand up, he spotted a small house on the edge of another clearing with a stream running by.
Grabbing up his bags of marshmallows, he ambled over to teh house and entered. The room was dark.
"HELLO?!" Harry called inside. "IS ANYBODY IN HERE?!"
"Would you quiet down?" a grumpy voice requested.
"WHO IS THAT?!" Harry yelled, looking around the shadows. "SHOW YOURSELF!"
"Well, shouting boy, I'm Hermione," a female voice replied. "What's your name?"
"I'M HARRY!" he answered loudly. "I YELL BECAUSE I'M ANGSTY AND EMO! NOW SHOW YOURSELVES!"
Seven short figures stepped into the light shining in from the door.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE MIDGETS!" Harry screamed, pointing to them.
"We resent that term... Harry, was it?" a blonde dwarf drawled. "We prefer the term 'dwarf'."
"WHATEVER!" Harry shouted. "WAHT ARE YOUR NAMES?!"
"Well, the blonde is Draco, the red-haired guy is Ron, the one with gorgeous black hair is Sirius, that's Albus with the long grey hair and beard, and that's Remus, still lurking in the shadows," Hermione informed him, without taking a breath. "Oh and Hagrid has the wild, dark hair that goes everywhere."
"AREN'T YOU JUST LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL!" Harry bellowed. "I'M GOING TO CALL YOU BRAIN! DRACO LOOKS LIKE A RODENT, SO I'LL CALL HIM FERRET!"
"I don't look like a ferret!" Draco countered. "I'm more hamsterish!"
"DON'T CONTRADICT ME FERRET!" the angsty one screeched, then he returned to renaming the dwarves. "RON LOOKS STUPID SO HE'LL BE PINKY! SIRIUS LOOKS LIKE A DOG, SO HIS NAME WILL BE PADFOOT! REMUS SEEMS TO LIKE THE DARK, SO I'LL NAME HIM MOONY! AS FOR ALBUS AND HAGRID, YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS DUMBY AND TINY!"
"I'm not sure I like Harry very much," Ron grumbled.
"Well I do," Hermione replied. "I think he should stay with us. What do the rest of you think?"
Draco frowned but the other four shrugged.
"It's settled then," she declared, beaming. "Harry, you're staying with us."
"ISN'T THAT BLOODY FANTASTIC?!" Harry roared. "AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY FATHER, THE QUEEN, WHO WANTS TO KILL ME JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MORE MARSHMALLOWS THAN HIM!"
All the dwarves exchanged glances in varying degrees of skepticism or confusion, but didn't say anything.
Back at the castle....
Queen Voldemort received another large shipment of marshmallows that day after Snape came back and collected his first payment of marshmallows. He dashed gleefully to the throne room where he skidded to a halt in front of Trelawney the Mirror.
"Sybil! You complimentary mirror, tell me now who has the most marshmallows," he demanded, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Why do you insist on asking me such stupid questions?" Trelawney the Mirror inquired with a yawn.
"So I finally have the most marshmallows then?" Queen Voldemort persisted eagerly.
"No, you moronic half-wit!" Trelawney the Mirror exclaimed. "To use your terminology, that Potter 'brat' still does."
"WHAT?!" Queen Voldemort thundered. "I thought Snape killed him!"
"Nope, Snape left him in the woods for a killer rabbit to finish him off," she replied smirking.
"Are you insulting me?" he asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"What?! Why would I do such a thing, your idiocy?" Trelawney the Mirror replied sarcastically.
"Never mind," he groused. "You're getting on my nerves, Crucio!"
Trelawney in the mirror pretended to scream in agony as Queen Voldemort stormed out and headed down below the castle to a mad scientist lab, only stopping to stick her tongue out at him once the door slammed shut.
"I'll steal Potter's marshmallows to add to my own," Queen Voldemort schemed. "But to do that, I'll take on the appearance of the most beautiful woman in the world, and I know just the woman!" Before I alter my appearance though, I'll make poisoned cookies!"
He cackled evilly before making the poisoned cookies. Queen Voldemort packed them all into a small bag. He stood in front of a non-magical mirror with his wand out and transformed himself. Satisfied with his new appearance, the diabolical queen took up the cookie bag and started his trek into the forest.
Twenty minutes later at the dwarves' house
Not too long after his arrival, the dwarves all left for a Gringotts staff meeting. This left Harry to lounge around the house. At this point, he was eating marshmallows, watching Jerry Springer and yelling at the television set.
"YOU MORONS!" he shouted. "CAN'T YOU CONTROL YOUR LOVE LIVES LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?! WHY DO YOU INSIST ON CHEATING WITH THEIR SIBLINGS?!"
Harry's rant was cut short by a sharp knock at the door. He got off and shut off the television. He opened the door and was shocked to find the anorexically thin and horrifying Paris Hilton.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Harry yelled, clamping his hands over his mouth.
"Hi, I'm the incredibly hot and talented Paris Hilton," Queen Voldemort announced with a giggle as Harry gagged. "Would you like a cookie?"
"NO, YOU FREAK!" he boomed. "YOU NEED THEM MORE THAN I DO!"
Then he slammed the door in his face. Queen Voldemort burned with fury and pounded on the door again. A very angry Harry threw it open.
"I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T WANT YOUR NASTY COO--"
He was cut off by the bag of cookies being swung into the side of his head. Queen Voldemort began dragging him out of the doorway by the ankles to get at his adopted son's stash of marshmallows. Not even a yard from the door, the dwarves came back and his disguise faded away.
"He's trying to take Harry away!" Hermione cried out anxiously.
"Yay!" Ron and Draco chorused.
"Not 'yay'," she scolded them sternly. "Now... GET HIM!"
All seven dwarves charged and tackled him to the ground. Climbing off, they brought him inside. They worked together to bind Queen Voldemort to the chair Harry had abandoned.
"What should we do to him for impersonating an ugly, talentless hack?" Ron asked, rubbing his hands together. "Launch him into the atmosphere?"
"Nah, I got something worse, much worse, in mind," Sirius announced, grinning devilishly. "I think we finally have a captive audience for our home movies."
The other dwarves cheered and pulled out stacks of video tapes and turned them on for a home movie marathon. Meanwhile, Harry lay outside, unconscious and forgotten.
THE END
Reviews would be lovely. :3
Title: Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarves
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack, randomness, making fun of Harry Potter, Voldemort, etc., uh... not sure if yaoi counts (but whatever)
Summary: Crack, crossover-type fic that takes Harry Potter characters and stuck them in a plot similar to that of Snow White.
~*~
Once upon a time, the insecure king, Voldemort, did two things. He adopted the title of queen because it made him feel pretty, and he wanted to have the most marshmallows in the world.
In his quest to have the most marshmallows, he found that his and Bellatrix's adopted son, Harry, had the most marshmallows anywhere. In an effort to raise his numbers, Queen Voldemort blackmailed supermarkets worldwide to obtain more marshmallows. As soon as he received a new shipment, he would consult his magical mirror, Sybil Trelawney, and every time he got the same answer.
"Harry Potter still has more marshmallows you persisten dolt," Trelawney the Mirror told him in a bored voice for the hundredth time.
"Silence you insolent mirror!" Queen Voldemort shouted. "Who asked you anyway?!"
"You did, your distastefulness," she replied with a mock bow.
"Shut up!" he yelled, folding his arms. "Now make me a prophecy about me and how many marshmallows I'll have."
"Do I look like a Seer to you?" Trelawney the Mirror retorted, scowling.
"Make me a PROPHECY!" he bellowed.
"Fine!" she grumbled. "Let's see... er... If you send Harry... um... into the... uh... wood, you will have a chance."
"Yay!" Queen Voldemort cried, proceeding to skip around the room in glee. "Snape! Come hither Snape!"
When Snape came in, Queen Voldemort stopped skipping and straightened his ridiculously immense crown.
"What do you want, my king?" Snape asked curtly.
"It's QUEEN! Don't call me by that demeaning and derogatory title!" he shrieked. "I AM QUEEN VOLDEMORT!"
"Alright, my queen, why have you disturbed me?" Snape inquired, completely unfazed by the yelling. "I think I was close to finding a simple method to immortaility."
"Immortality can wait, I don't need to live forever," Queen Voldemort remarked airily. "What I want is for you to take our kid out into the woods and kill him."
Snape's eyes widened in shock.
"My queen, I... I thought you loved our son, Roonil Wazlib," he stammered.
"Oh heavens no!" Queen Voldemort exclaimed. "Not my dear Roonil! I meant the brat Bella and I adopted, Harry."
Snape's face relaxed a little.
"I'll take care of him, my queen," Snape promised. "But what's in it for me?"
"I'll get you a year's supply of marshmallows," he said off-handedly. "Just get rid of the brat any way you please."
"As you wish," Snape replied with a small bow.
He left the demented man to his ridiculous thought and went to Harry's room. Loud, heavy metal rock music could be heard, causing the wooden door to rattle on its hinges. Snape banged on the door and after a few seconds the music turned off and the door flew open. Standing in front of him was a young teenage boy with piercings all over his ears, eyebrows, nose, and lips. His face was a ghostly white, his eyes bore black eyeliner and eyeshadow, and what very little could be seen of his lips were smothered in black lipstick. HArry crossed his arms to reveal fingernails painted black as well.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Harry shouted. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO BE EMO AND ANGSTY?!"
"I'm supposed to bring you into the forest and kill you," Snape answered lazily. "It's your father, the queen's, orders because you have more marshmallows than he does. However, I'm feeling uncharacteristically nice, so I'll jsut leave you in the woods to fend for yourself."
"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT MY MARSHMALLOWS?!" the overly-angsty boy roared. "I AM DEPENDENT ON THEIR FLUFFY AND SUGARY GOODNESS!"
"Pack them up and take them with you Potter," Snape scowled impatiently. "Just do it quickly."
Ten minutes later, Harry was trailing after Snape with two massive sacks loaded with marshmallows thrown over his shoulders. They traveled a way into the forest and stopped in a clearing.
"Well, Potter, this is where I leave you," Snape told him. "Are you going to thank me for sparing your life?"
"THANKS FOR NOTHING, YOU DISOBEDIENT WENCH!" Harry boomed. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT MY MUSIC TO MAKE ME EMO?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MY NINETY-SEVEN PIERCINGS?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REAPPLY MY EYELINER?!"
"You ungrateful, spoiled brat, I know how to handle you," Snape growled. He turned his head and whistled. "Turnip! Come here!"
"SNAPE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he shouted.
"Getting you a friend," the older man replied with an evil grin.
That said, Snape turned on his heel and headed back for the palace laughing maniacally. Harry gulped and noticed two bright, crimson eyes staring out of the shadows.
"WHO GOES THERE?!" Harry asked loudly, anxiety clashing with his ever-present yelling. "SHOW YOURSELF!"
A bush rustled and Harry found himself staring at a fluffy white rabbit with ruby red eyes. It cocked its head to one side, twitched its nose, and stared back.
"AREN'T YOU ADORABLE?!" Harry yelled. "ARE YOU TURNIP?"
Harry drew closer to the little rabbit and saw it bare its teeth at him. He felt the blood drain from his already pale face when he saw it had bloodstained fangs.
"OH CRUD!!" he exclaimed, picking up his marshmallow bags and running. "NICE RABBIT!! GOOD RABBIT!!"
Harry didn't know how far or how fast he ran. All he thought about was if he had managed to leave behind Snape's rabbit. He didn't stop until he fell to his knees, out of breath. When Harry was able to stand up, he spotted a small house on the edge of another clearing with a stream running by.
Grabbing up his bags of marshmallows, he ambled over to teh house and entered. The room was dark.
"HELLO?!" Harry called inside. "IS ANYBODY IN HERE?!"
"Would you quiet down?" a grumpy voice requested.
"WHO IS THAT?!" Harry yelled, looking around the shadows. "SHOW YOURSELF!"
"Well, shouting boy, I'm Hermione," a female voice replied. "What's your name?"
"I'M HARRY!" he answered loudly. "I YELL BECAUSE I'M ANGSTY AND EMO! NOW SHOW YOURSELVES!"
Seven short figures stepped into the light shining in from the door.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE MIDGETS!" Harry screamed, pointing to them.
"We resent that term... Harry, was it?" a blonde dwarf drawled. "We prefer the term 'dwarf'."
"WHATEVER!" Harry shouted. "WAHT ARE YOUR NAMES?!"
"Well, the blonde is Draco, the red-haired guy is Ron, the one with gorgeous black hair is Sirius, that's Albus with the long grey hair and beard, and that's Remus, still lurking in the shadows," Hermione informed him, without taking a breath. "Oh and Hagrid has the wild, dark hair that goes everywhere."
"AREN'T YOU JUST LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL!" Harry bellowed. "I'M GOING TO CALL YOU BRAIN! DRACO LOOKS LIKE A RODENT, SO I'LL CALL HIM FERRET!"
"I don't look like a ferret!" Draco countered. "I'm more hamsterish!"
"DON'T CONTRADICT ME FERRET!" the angsty one screeched, then he returned to renaming the dwarves. "RON LOOKS STUPID SO HE'LL BE PINKY! SIRIUS LOOKS LIKE A DOG, SO HIS NAME WILL BE PADFOOT! REMUS SEEMS TO LIKE THE DARK, SO I'LL NAME HIM MOONY! AS FOR ALBUS AND HAGRID, YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS DUMBY AND TINY!"
"I'm not sure I like Harry very much," Ron grumbled.
"Well I do," Hermione replied. "I think he should stay with us. What do the rest of you think?"
Draco frowned but the other four shrugged.
"It's settled then," she declared, beaming. "Harry, you're staying with us."
"ISN'T THAT BLOODY FANTASTIC?!" Harry roared. "AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY FATHER, THE QUEEN, WHO WANTS TO KILL ME JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MORE MARSHMALLOWS THAN HIM!"
All the dwarves exchanged glances in varying degrees of skepticism or confusion, but didn't say anything.
Back at the castle....
Queen Voldemort received another large shipment of marshmallows that day after Snape came back and collected his first payment of marshmallows. He dashed gleefully to the throne room where he skidded to a halt in front of Trelawney the Mirror.
"Sybil! You complimentary mirror, tell me now who has the most marshmallows," he demanded, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Why do you insist on asking me such stupid questions?" Trelawney the Mirror inquired with a yawn.
"So I finally have the most marshmallows then?" Queen Voldemort persisted eagerly.
"No, you moronic half-wit!" Trelawney the Mirror exclaimed. "To use your terminology, that Potter 'brat' still does."
"WHAT?!" Queen Voldemort thundered. "I thought Snape killed him!"
"Nope, Snape left him in the woods for a killer rabbit to finish him off," she replied smirking.
"Are you insulting me?" he asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"What?! Why would I do such a thing, your idiocy?" Trelawney the Mirror replied sarcastically.
"Never mind," he groused. "You're getting on my nerves, Crucio!"
Trelawney in the mirror pretended to scream in agony as Queen Voldemort stormed out and headed down below the castle to a mad scientist lab, only stopping to stick her tongue out at him once the door slammed shut.
"I'll steal Potter's marshmallows to add to my own," Queen Voldemort schemed. "But to do that, I'll take on the appearance of the most beautiful woman in the world, and I know just the woman!" Before I alter my appearance though, I'll make poisoned cookies!"
He cackled evilly before making the poisoned cookies. Queen Voldemort packed them all into a small bag. He stood in front of a non-magical mirror with his wand out and transformed himself. Satisfied with his new appearance, the diabolical queen took up the cookie bag and started his trek into the forest.
Twenty minutes later at the dwarves' house
Not too long after his arrival, the dwarves all left for a Gringotts staff meeting. This left Harry to lounge around the house. At this point, he was eating marshmallows, watching Jerry Springer and yelling at the television set.
"YOU MORONS!" he shouted. "CAN'T YOU CONTROL YOUR LOVE LIVES LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?! WHY DO YOU INSIST ON CHEATING WITH THEIR SIBLINGS?!"
Harry's rant was cut short by a sharp knock at the door. He got off and shut off the television. He opened the door and was shocked to find the anorexically thin and horrifying Paris Hilton.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Harry yelled, clamping his hands over his mouth.
"Hi, I'm the incredibly hot and talented Paris Hilton," Queen Voldemort announced with a giggle as Harry gagged. "Would you like a cookie?"
"NO, YOU FREAK!" he boomed. "YOU NEED THEM MORE THAN I DO!"
Then he slammed the door in his face. Queen Voldemort burned with fury and pounded on the door again. A very angry Harry threw it open.
"I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T WANT YOUR NASTY COO--"
He was cut off by the bag of cookies being swung into the side of his head. Queen Voldemort began dragging him out of the doorway by the ankles to get at his adopted son's stash of marshmallows. Not even a yard from the door, the dwarves came back and his disguise faded away.
"He's trying to take Harry away!" Hermione cried out anxiously.
"Yay!" Ron and Draco chorused.
"Not 'yay'," she scolded them sternly. "Now... GET HIM!"
All seven dwarves charged and tackled him to the ground. Climbing off, they brought him inside. They worked together to bind Queen Voldemort to the chair Harry had abandoned.
"What should we do to him for impersonating an ugly, talentless hack?" Ron asked, rubbing his hands together. "Launch him into the atmosphere?"
"Nah, I got something worse, much worse, in mind," Sirius announced, grinning devilishly. "I think we finally have a captive audience for our home movies."
The other dwarves cheered and pulled out stacks of video tapes and turned them on for a home movie marathon. Meanwhile, Harry lay outside, unconscious and forgotten.
THE END
Reviews would be lovely. :3