The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
The Cast
Ted Levine .... Big Bob
Kathleen Quinlan .... Ethel
Dan Byrd .... Bobby
Emilie de Ravin .... Brenda
Aaron Stanford .... Doug
Vinessa Shaw .... Lynn
Laura Ortiz .... Ruby
Ezra Buzzington .... Goggle
Billy Drago .... Papa Jupiter
Michael Bailey Smith .... Pluto
Tom Bower .... Gas Station Attendant
If you've never heard of director Alexandre Aja before this review, there's a reason for it. Simply put, he's a piece of shit director. I take his very existence personally, being that he was born six days after me, and has directed a movie so offensive to me as a human being that he should be summarily executed for making it. Yet this fucker Aja is probably rich, gets laid all the time with many beautiful women and makes movies so utterly disgusting that if this were a few decades ago, he'd be arrested for making pornography. Or something, I don't know. I'm so pissed off about this abortion that is somehow classified as a movie that I can't even write coherently.
If there's ever been a contender for the infamous Skooch's Most Hated Movie EVER title (currently held by Fear Dot Com) it's this reprehensible piece of shit movie. I knew it wasn't going to be good when I foolishly slipped the DVD into my player, but I thought it'd be no good in that silly B-movie Evil Dead 2 kind of way. I was horribly horribly wrong.
It shames me in a profound way that a movie that is so excrementally vomitous as this one can gross $41 million domestic while a wonderfully imaginative and breath-taking movie like .. I dunno.. Serenity grosses $25 million. What the fuck is wrong with people? Aja isn't the only one to blame for this trauma-inducing seizure of a movie though. His editor.. "Baxter" should be given paper cuts across his eyeballs for aggravating my .. oh wait.. I just made a seizure reference. ... fuck
I hated hated HATED haaaaaattteeed this movie. For every one good thing I can remember from it, I'm reminded of five more things that made me want to take a disinfectant shower afterwards. Hey that cinematography sure looked good, but then you burned the dad alive after busting his skull open in grotesque close up fashion and made me wish a thousand deaths upon you Aja. There's a quote on his IMDB profile that basically says that he wouldn't be able to make this movie in Europe because they have a problem with excess violence in movies, but no problems with nudity. That makes a great case for Europe in my books.
sigh
In case there was any doubt, ZERO / 5