Tomarashi's White Day - Entry 5
Title: Happiness
Rating: R
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun and Ikuta Toma
Beta: You know who you are, thank you for your hardwork
I was brought into this world with love and care. When I first opened my eyes, I saw a beautiful face peering down at me curiously. If I knew what a smile was and what it meant, I probably would have smiled; but I didn’t know and so I simply stared. It was cold and I was thankful when the lady wrapped me in a soft blanket.
“I shall call you Toma, Ikuta Toma, what a nice ring it has” the lady smiled again, “and you can call me mama.”
‘Mama, sounds simple enough,’ I thought, ‘Ikuta Toma… My name is Ikuta Toma.’
I shivered and snuggled into the blanket. I felt heavy and tired. I just wanted to drift off into sleep, shutting out the cold outside world. I had no sense of time or what it even meant. Every time I find myself awake, mama is clucking over me adjusting my clothes and shoes and every little thing she could get her hands on. So, it came as a surprise when one day she carried me from the inner sanctity of our warm little house to the open yard.
I stared at the bright sky and felt the cold air against my tiny cheeks. There was a bright white dust falling from above. I stared at it until my eyes hurt before the conversation mama was having with a gentleman caught my attention.
“I hope this snow stops soon,” mama was saying, “I will be snowed in at this rate and I haven’t been able to stock up on my winter supplies fully!”
“I know what you mean. If I can’t get out of this snow soon, I’ll be forced to stay at the inn before making my way south,” the man replied gruffly. He looked around until his eyes fell on me.
‘Snow, so that’s what this is called,’ I thought and focused on the staring man. I didn’t like the smile he had on his face; it looked like an unholy fire was lit behind his eyes. I shivered in my pants as I heard the man say, “How much?”
I looked at mama, scared and unable to move. I felt like I was frozen in place when mama picked me up and hugged me, “I’m sorry Toma-chan. Mama has to survive and the only way she knows how to is by sending you with this gentleman.”
‘No! We can figure out something else! Please don’t send me away! I’ll be a good boy!’ I yelled, but neither mama nor the man seemed to care about my pleas.
“He is very delicate and has never been touched. You’ll not find another like him anywhere else. 10,000 yen,” mama looked at the gentleman, still hugging me very tightly.
The man shook his head and they haggled for thirty minutes, over the price of my innocence. Neither seemed to notice my tears by the time they finally reached a price they both agreed on. Mama grumbled over the fact that she had to sell me off for half the price she had set. The man looked very happy with his bargain.
‘Mama! Mama! Please don’t send me away!!!’ I screamed and begged as the man hauled me away. Mama was too busy counting her money to take notice of how the man shoved me into the car. The door closed with a resounding finality and I stared out the fogged up window as mama walked into the house. My pleas went unheard as the man drove away over the icy, snow-covered roads.
I felt the man’s hand on my head and stared at him, afraid of what would come next. I heard him speak, but the words made no sense to me, “My wife will love you. She hasn’t been able to carry a baby to full term and we’ve tried several times already. She is sinking into depression and I can’t watch her be that way. I’m sure you’ll make her feel better.”
‘You can’t just buy me for that reason. I’m sorry for what your wife is going through, but let me go back home! I want my mama!!’ I thought, holding back rage-filled tears.
“I am confident that you’ll have a better life with us than what you had before. I hope you’ll like your new home,” the man smiled and taking his hand off my head drove the rest of the way in silence, with occasional music blasting from what the man called a radio.
My first impression of Tokyo was not a good one. It was loud and bright even after dark. There were people everywhere, walking in throngs, seemingly in a hurry, as if they had to be elsewhere at that very moment. My little brain took in as much as possible, trying to make sense of the things that were scrolling on a building and the giant paintings with big letters. Tokyo was a scary place.
We reached a quiet suburb community after driving through the city streets. I could still see the tall buildings at a distance, but this place had trees and it was relatively quiet. I could hear dogs whining and cats mewing. The houses were large - larger than I had ever seen in all my life. We stopped in front of a red bricked house. The man parked the car in front of the house, got out, grabbed his luggage and walking around the car to the passenger side, opened the door for me. He held my hand and went up the front steps to the big carved door.
‘My new home… a place I’ll be loved, as much as mama loved me,’ I thought, waiting nervously outside as the man rang the doorbell.
When the door opened, I was staring at the floor. I saw two small feet wrapped in slippers. I heard a woman’s voice, “Welcome home honey!”
“I’m home,” the man smiled and kissed the lady’s cheek, “I’ve a surprise for you.”
He pushed me forward until the lady looked down at me. She knelt in front of me and we stared at each other for a long time before the lady picked me up in her arms. She smiled at her husband and asked him, “What is his name?”
‘Ikuta Toma,’ I was about to answer when the man walked inside, closing the door against the cold winter night, “You can call him whatever you want dear.”
“This is a wonderful Valentine’s day surprise! You’re very thoughtful,” the lady smiled, kissing her husband’s cheek and they walked away from the foyer. She set me on the soft plush couch and we stared at each other again. The woman smiled and stroked my chin, “You look like a Robbie. I shall call you Robbie. This shall be your new home from now on Robbie and I’m your new mama.”
‘Mama…’ I sighed leaning into the woman’s hand, ‘I miss my own mama. I suppose she’ll never come get me. I suppose I’ve to get used to living here now,’ I thought staring at my new mama. Things would just be different for me.
We, the three of us, made a happy little family for a while. I was so happy and blissful to be part of a complete family. I should have learned my lesson at an early age, when I was first sold off, that everything has to come to an end. One evening at the dinner table, mama looked excited and jittery. As the dinner progressed, mama looked up at papa, “I’ve news.”
I looked between mama and papa and listened silently as papa spoke, “What is it?”
Mama cleared her throat before speaking, “I’m pregnant again.”
Setting his chopsticks down, papa looked at mama, “Are you sure? I mean, are you ready to try again?”
“Yes. The doctor suggested we visit the clinic regularly and check myself into the hospital months before the actual delivery so that they can monitor the progress and make sure this baby won’t have any complications,” mama was saying rapidly.
I felt relieved watching the happiness course between mama and papa. I was going to have a little brother to play with. I hoped I’ve have a little brother and not a little sister! I would teach him all the cool stuff I knew! I could play with him all day long. Needless to say, I was excited, as much as mama and papa were. If I had known that the arrival of my little brother would shatter my world, I would not have been that excited and happy. I would never have wished for his birth, regardless of how selfish that may sound.
Things started going down as soon mama had to be hospitalized. I went with her. I stayed up until she fell asleep every night. She would smile at me and show me the blanket she was knitting for my little brother. When her belly started growing, papa took me home. He didn’t let me visit mama again for a few months. I was anxious, worried about her health. But on a bright sunny day, they came home and brought with them a tiny bundle. My prayers had been answered. It was a baby boy and I had a little brother.
I was jealous in the beginning. Papa and mama had no time for me anymore. They’d fuss over him all the time. The illusion of a happy family was starting to crack and it was all because of my little brother. I stared long and hard on lonely dark nights at the crib my brother slept in.
‘All I’ve to do is press the pillow over his face and everything will be back to normal,’ I would catch myself thinking. But I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t do such things. But I wish I had when I caught my mama and papa discussing me one night.
“Are you sure honey?” papa asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. I know you paid good money for Robbie, but I can’t take care of him anymore. I’m busy with little Koji and don’t have the energy it takes to look after Robbie anymore. Why don’t you contact the orphanage and see if they can take him?” mama suggested.
The cracks that had appeared in my world were widening and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It was already too late and things had spun out of my control before I noticed. I tried digging my feet into the ground, and holding onto a shelf desperately the next day when papa suggested we go on a little trip. I cried and shook and yelled, ‘I’ll be a good boy, please don’t send me away. I want to stay here! I love you, I’ll do anything you want. I won’t be a bother, so please … please … don’t send me away!’
My cries fell on deaf ears and I was pushed into the backseat of the car against my will for the second time in my life. I stared at the name plate ‘Takatsu’ until we turned a corner. I cried silently as the house that had become my home for years disappeared behind other buildings.
I saw things I shouldn’t see at a very young age. I was sold off, bartered with and fought over by many. I witnessed things I should never have known existed. I bore scars and my broken bones were healed over, but I survived. I would like to think I survived, but what was left of me was nothing more than a shell, discarded for someone new, young and fresh. I didn’t even remember my name properly. I was unwanted. I didn’t know what else to do as I lay like a useless broken doll against a dumpster. I didn’t feel the cold rain pelt against my skin. I didn’t even remember how I got there.
“You look miserable,” I heard a man’s voice above the resounding rain. I saw a man crouch in front of me, an umbrella in hand, shielding us from the cold rain that I hadn't noticed. I barely heard his words, “Would you like to come with me? I’m sure it will be much warmer at my place than here…”
‘Are you a social worker?’ I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy to speak. I stared at the hand that was extended to me and after what felt like an eternity, I looked up at the man. He smiled and picked me up by my arm.
I was silent next to him as we approached his apartment building. I listened to him rant about recent weather, “The heavy snow followed by sunny days and sub zero temperatures are making the roads icy. It’s so dangerous to drive. I actually bumped into another car a few weeks ago. Fortunately no one was hurt.”
We waited for the elevator doors to open in a high rise and we stepped in silently. I was expecting to ride all the way to the top, but we got off at the fourth floor. I was silent as he unlocked his door and pulled me in. It wasn’t often that you see someone bring a stranger into the house and ask them to be at home. I sat on the couch, dripping all over the suede furnishing and the plush white carpet.
“Ah you’re dripping wet! Let me get you a towel!” the stranger ran into his bathroom and came back with a dry towel. He threw a blanket around me and helped me out of my wet clothes. I braced myself for what I knew would soon follow, because it wasn't the first time this has happened. However, this man surprised me. He never once laid his fingers on me inappropriately. He just scrubbed my head with the towel, trying to get my hair dry, “My name is Matsumoto Jun by the way. Think of this as your new home if it will help you relax…”
I continued staring at the man, Jun. It was a nice name for the kind stranger. But I have known unhappiness for too long to believe anything he said. I knew that sooner or later, even Jun will kick me out. No one’s kindness lasted a lifetime. Jun let me stay, for months, even when I refused to speak. We’d have a one-way conversation most evenings, mostly Jun speaking about his day. I had learned over the course of several weeks that he was an idol and was very famous. I watch him on TV all day long when he is out at work. He is a handsome man, someone you’d lust after easily, regardless of your gender.
So, it came as no surprise when Jun would occasionally bring over a “friend”. I tried to not listen to the noises that came from Jun’s room on those days, but it was nearly impossible in the tiny apartment. I stayed awake during those nights, wondering what it would be like to feel Jun. I was in the living room, trying to watch TV and ignore the noises coming from Jun’s bedroom one evening when Jun had a friend over. When the noises subsided, I sighed in relief. I was unconsciously tensed and stressed.
A few minutes later, I heard feet shuffling and saw Jun walk into the kitchen with a sheet wrapped around his waist. Sighing softly, I watched Jun pick a bottle of water.
‘My name is Toma. My mama gave me the name Ikuta Toma. Later I was called Robbie for a few years and then a few other names. You can call me whatever you want,’ I said softly, unsure if he heard it all.
I saw from the corner of my eyes that Jun froze in spot. The open bottle touching his lips. He pulled the bottle away and stared at me, looking shocked that I spoke after months. I sighed softly when I heard his reply whispered softly into the night, “Toma… nice name.”
I hadn’t known that being acknowledged by my own name felt so relieving and exhilarating. I felt as if a huge boulder was removed off my chest. I felt happy, but squashed it immediately; because I knew happiness meant that my world would soon crumble. I looked back at the TV as Jun’s friend strolled in, “I want some water.”
“Sho-chan, I don’t think I’ve introduced you two properly before. Meet Toma, Ikuta Toma,” Jun said to his lover, nodding at me.
I stared at the man who was looking between Jun and me, “Toma? But he looks more like a …”
’ Stop ... stop! Don't say it. My name is Toma… not something you make up on spot … Toma. I want to be called by my own name! I don’t need someone else to give me some other name they think would suit me!’ I yelled, not wanting to give up my name that easily.
Jun nodded his head in agreement, “I think Toma is a nice name and suits him just fine!”
I heard his lover laugh, “Fine, fine. Nice to meet you Toma-san, my name is Sakurai Sho and I’m your roommate’s boyfriend.”
He sank next to me on the couch and whispered loudly, eyes on Jun, “Perhaps next time you’d like to join us?”
“I can’t believe you just said that!” Jun grabbed a throw pillow and hit him hard. I was left blushing and speechless as the two men had a pillow fight like schoolgirls on a sleepover. I could hear Jun yelling at Sho as they fought their way into the bedroom, “Toma-chan is a decent man, not lewd you!”
I sighed softly, falling asleep on the couch, wondering what it would be like, if Jun would give me a chance and not just treat me like a roommate - a freeloading roommate. Our relationship grew slowly from that point. I was still cautious, but eventually gave in to the happiness. Jun made me content. But there was always a nagging feeling whenever Sho visited. We’d have a lovely meal together and then they’d disappear into Jun’s bedroom. I’d stare at the door longingly before turning my attention back to the TV, hoping to focus on anything but Jun.
We were having dinner alone one evening, just Jun and me. It was a quiet and peaceful meal. I was happy to realize that Sho won’t be intruding on us, until the phone rang. Jun set his chopsticks down and answered his cell phone, “Hello?”
“Ah, Sho-chan,” Jun glanced in my direction discretely before turning away politely, “You want to go to the movies?”
I stared at Jun and I had no idea where the words came from. I was simply unable to control what I said, ‘Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.’
Jun stared at me for a few seconds before clearing his throat, “Ah… tonight is not good. I’m … busy. Some other time?”
Our eyes met as Jun hung up and we sat in silence. Happiness bubbled inside me, ‘Thank you.’
Shaking his head, Jun finished his dinner. While washing the plates, he cleared his throat and asked as casually as possible, “Do you want to watch a movie together? I bought Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride recently.”
‘Sure. I’d love to watch a movie with you,’ I smiled as we settled on the couch. The movie was strange, but I didn’t care. When the movie ended, neither of us moved. I felt Jun’s head settle over my curls and smiled realizing he must have fallen asleep. I didn’t want to wake him, so I stayed still and we slept on the couch all night long. It was a wonderful night.
Things changed after that, in a good way. I had noticed that he was declining more and more of Sho’s invitations as days passed. Over the next few months, I barely saw Sho come over anymore. I was able to sleep with some peace of mind, knowing no hanky-panky was going on in the next room. Months rolled by, and Christmas was upon us yet again. Jun was busy with several contracts. He had several interviews to attend and wrap up a drama and a movie. He’d come home tired, yet as he de-stressed he’d tell me all about his day.
Even on Christmas day, he had work. We woke up early that morning and I watched Jun gobble up his breakfast. Before he left for work, he opened the presents and I waited for mine patiently. When I saw there wasn’t a box marked in my name, I sighed softly and thought ‘Ah, I guess I’m still a stranger… you don’t buy presents for strangers…’
“Umm… if you don’t mind… I would like you to move in with me … I mean, into my room,” Jun blushed.
I looked up, surprised and happy at the offer and Jun’s blush was too adorable to refuse, ‘Yes! I’ll move in with you! I’ve waited for so long to hear those words!’
It was one of the best Christmas’s I’ve had. He had work until late, but I didn’t mind because I could wait for him, curled up on a bed I’ve dreamt of sharing with him for months. He felt cold when he came to bed that night, but I didn’t mind. We could get warm together under the blanket. Christmas passed quickly and there was new work Jun had to focus on. A new drama and magazine photo shoots and interviews. I hadn’t seen Sho in months, but I wasn’t complaining. Days turned to weeks and we didn’t notice the time pass so quickly in our bliss. We didn’t even notice the approach of Valentine’s Day until his mailbox started filling up with chocolates a week prior to the actual day. We’d laugh at the cards he’d received with the chocolate and stuff our faces with the sweet desserts.
On the actual day, he had been scheduled to attend various interviews. He took one look at my forlorn face and with a smile called his manager, “Ah, good. You haven’t left to pick me up yet. I can’t attend the interviews today. I’m feeling a little under the weather and there are way too many girls in front of my apartment building to venture out. I was hoping we can postpone today’s meetings and interviews for another day.”
He faked a cough, which made me smile, and when he disconnected the call his eyes were sparkling, “We’ve the entire day to ourselves!”
It was another wonderful day. I never thought my life would turn around like it did and that I’d experience so much happiness. I was watching Jun cook dinner for both of us when his cell phone rang that evening. Turning the stove off, Jun answered his phone, “Hello?”
“Sho-chan…” Jun muttered walking away from me, lowering his voice, “What’s up? I called the manager and asked to clear my day … Hmm? What? No… I can’t go out to dinner… Because I’ve plans. I’m having a romantic dinner with Toma-chan. We’re staying in and watching a movie.”
I didn’t hear what Sho told Jun, but Jun soon turned off the phone and set it on the coffee table. I was happy to know that Jun cared enough to turn off the phone and spend an entire day with me. Over the next few days, Jun made excuses to cancel his interviews and sneak over to the house to see me. It made me very happy - who wouldn’t be happy to know that their boyfriend sneaked out to see them? It was also the beginning of the end of our wonderful relationship.
Jun’s ex-boyfriend had started calling him more often after the Valentine’s Day. I suppose no one would want to break up with such a handsome man. I thought Sho was unable to get over their break up. We were living in our very own happy world. I hadn’t noticed that Jun had stopped going to work and had stopped answering the calls. Not that I blamed him, really. Sho’s calls were getting more annoying as each day passed.
To add fuel to the fire, his friends from the band had taken to calling him several times a day. I know Jun worked hard, but really, they needed to stop calling him for every little problem. I was happiest when the phone was off and no one would disturb us. I started fretting over what to give Jun as White Day approached. He had made such a memorable dinner for Valentine’s Day, it was only fair that I give him something equally memorable.
When the sun broke through the twilight on the morning of March 14th, I snuggled closer to Jun in his bed and whispered in his ear, ‘Happy White Day.’
A smile broke across Jun’s face as he hugged me, “Thank you Toma-chan. Shall I expect a fabulous present from you?”
I stayed silent for a few seconds before speaking again, ‘I … don’t have a fabulous present to give you Jun. I just … have my heart. I love you, very much.’
I saw a few tears in Jun’s eyes before we hugged each other tightly. I never thought I’d hear those words from another person, but I was fortunate enough to hear them from Jun, “I love you too Toma! I don’t know when or how it happened, but I love you. I never want to be away from you… ever!”
‘I’m so glad we found each other Jun-chan!’ my voice broke as emotion flooded. This was a new level of happiness, something mama never told me I could experience. But I had yet to learn that the higher you’re when building your castle in the air, the greater your fall will be when the castle crumbles. I didn’t know why I thought I could really have my happiness, but I had been lax and had nearly forgotten what it meant to lose everything.
That evening, there was a knock on the door. Jun was in the kitchen again, fixing us cereal. We decided cereal for dinner would be different. When he answered the door, four men barged in. I recognized those faces; they were Jun’s band mates.
“Jun, we need to talk,” Sho began, but stopped when his eyes fell on me, sitting in a chair near the dining table. Sho pointed at me and whispered, “He needs to go…”
“What, no! Toma-chan stays here! I don’t care what anyone says, we’re in love and we’ll live together!” Jun declared, which brought a happy smile to my face, “Now, if you guys don’t have anything better to say, you should go back. We were about to have dinner…”
“Jun! Wake up! I don’t know what happened to you, but you can’t live like this. This place is a mess. We haven’t seen you in weeks. You don’t answer our calls and ignore our emails,” the skinny short man named Nino yelled.
“No! I’m happy right now. Don’t try to steal my happiness!” Jun yelled back and stormed over to the dining table where he pulled me into his arms. I stared at the other four men from his arms and was surprised to see they were in shock. I felt sad for the men because they clearly didn’t know what true love meant. Or perhaps they were shocked to find out that their friend was gay, ‘No, wait. That can’t be right. At least Sho should know that Jun is gay. They were lovers a few months ago.’
“Jun-chan… let Toma go,” a gruff voice demanded and four pairs of hands pulled us apart.
‘No! Don’t you dare separate us! We finally found happiness in each other’s arms after years of loneliness! I don’t want to go away. Please, Jun … don’t let them take me away from you!’ I yelled clinging to Jun. I could feel Jun’s fingers around my arms. He had a death grip on me. I was sure that any more pressure from him or the others would break my arms like twigs.
“Don’t you dare take him away from me!” Jun yelled as his fingers slipped away from my arms. I had a frozen moment, where everything was silent and moving in slow motion. Three men tackled Jun to the floor where he was trying to kick them off, but they had pinned him securely.
‘Jun! JUN!!!’ I yelled again as the group’s leader took me out of the apartment. The apartment I called home for months; the apartment where I tasted love; the apartment where my broken heart lay behind in pieces, ‘Don’t do this … please … don’t do this. Let me be with Jun. I’ll be good. I promise I won’t be a bother!’ I pleaded with Ohno. I sounded like a broken record, even to myself. I had said those words so many times over the years. I had begged and begged all the people who had taken me in, to let me stay. But I never received an answer. I didn’t expect one now either, but I couldn’t stop staring at Ohno with my glazed eyes and beg him not to take me away.
I don’t remember how far we had come from the apartment. I wasn’t paying attention to the roads, so I wasn’t even sure where I was. I had stopped begging Ohno and we silently boarded a train. We sat in the train mutely for a while. I wasn’t sure where we were going. I hadn’t taken a look at the ticket. There was an announcement from the engineer that the train would depart soon. I saw Ohno stand and walk towards the exit. I guess he wasn’t coming with me. I suppose it meant he wanted me to leave Jun alone and go far, far away.
Before the doors closed, Ohno turned and looked at me, “I’m sorry Toma-chan, but you can’t be with Jun, not the way you and Jun dream of. You can’t fulfill all of Jun’s needs. Look at him, he is already not himself ... all because of you.”
I stared at Ohno in surprise. No one had ever given me an answer as to why they can’t let me stay with them for long. This was the first time and so I ventured another question, ‘Why?’
“Because you’re a doll,” Ohno whispered as the doors closed.
I stared at Ohno, motionless. The train pulled away from the station leaving me with many questions ‘A doll? I am a doll? That doesn’t make sense.’
I stayed on the train for a long time. I was shoved aside, kicked and poked at on the train, but none of it mattered. My little mind was trying to make sense of what Ohno said when I left the train station that morning. I saw an image of Jun on TV. I heard over the static that he was admitted to a psychiatric ward of a local hospital. It was breaking news. But why did they need to take Jun away? Nothing made sense anymore. I rode that train for days, watching the scenery change from green fields to snow covered mountains.
Days and nights started blending in and everything was just a blur. There weren’t any more reports on Jun after that night. I had to give up on him. He wasn’t coming to get me. No one was coming to get me. I was alone in the compartment on a dark night when the TV blared on again.
“Earlier today we received reports from the hospital that Matsumoto Jun was found dead in his room. The doctors are not telling us the cause of his death or how it happened. For more coverage, stay with us,” the reporter spoke into the camera.
I gasped softly, and my heart broke all over again. I didn’t even get to say proper goodbye to my only love. As the train pulled to a stop at a station, I cried silently. I was too sad and tired to notice the passengers boarding the compartment. When a pair of gentle hands picked me up, I refused to look them in the eye, ‘what’s the point? You’re going to abandon me too. You should just leave me now, before shattering my little heart after filling it with hope.’
“Such a happy looking doll shouldn’t be carrying the weight of the world,” I heard someone speaking softly. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in over two decades. I looked up to meet the eyes of my mama.
‘Mama!’ I yelled, and I couldn’t stop the flow of emotion in that one word.
“Oh my dear Toma-chan! How I missed you! I’m so glad to have finally found you again, although this isn’t the fate I wished upon you,” mama smiled wiping a smudge off my face.
We watched the news silently, the reporter was going over the details about the famous idol’s death again. When it was time for a commercial break, mama turned to me and asked, “Would you like a companion?”
‘A companion?’ I asked, and sighed softly, ‘I had a companion until recently. His friends couldn’t bear to watch us be together and we were torn apart, forcibly. That’s him on the news … not the reporter, but the idol.’
Mama watched the news again and smiled slowly, “Your birthday is coming in a few months, and that should give me enough time to make you a companion and we’ll name him Matsumoto Jun.”
I closed my eyes and thought about it all the way to Hokkaido. We rode on the back of a truck from the train station to the village, where mama’s small drafty house still stood. I looked around the long forgotten walls and smiled thinking, ‘I’m home … and yes I will wait patiently for Jun-chan to join me on the shelf.’
If I had known back then that the fate of everyone who had ever loved me and took me into their homes with open arms was the same as Matsumoto Jun, I might have thought differently to mama’s proposition; but I didn’t know that; and I didn’t know the madness we would unleash together upon the world. After all, we now travel together.
Thank you for reading everyone!
Rating: R
Pairing: Matsumoto Jun and Ikuta Toma
Beta: You know who you are, thank you for your hardwork
I was brought into this world with love and care. When I first opened my eyes, I saw a beautiful face peering down at me curiously. If I knew what a smile was and what it meant, I probably would have smiled; but I didn’t know and so I simply stared. It was cold and I was thankful when the lady wrapped me in a soft blanket.
“I shall call you Toma, Ikuta Toma, what a nice ring it has” the lady smiled again, “and you can call me mama.”
‘Mama, sounds simple enough,’ I thought, ‘Ikuta Toma… My name is Ikuta Toma.’
I shivered and snuggled into the blanket. I felt heavy and tired. I just wanted to drift off into sleep, shutting out the cold outside world. I had no sense of time or what it even meant. Every time I find myself awake, mama is clucking over me adjusting my clothes and shoes and every little thing she could get her hands on. So, it came as a surprise when one day she carried me from the inner sanctity of our warm little house to the open yard.
I stared at the bright sky and felt the cold air against my tiny cheeks. There was a bright white dust falling from above. I stared at it until my eyes hurt before the conversation mama was having with a gentleman caught my attention.
“I hope this snow stops soon,” mama was saying, “I will be snowed in at this rate and I haven’t been able to stock up on my winter supplies fully!”
“I know what you mean. If I can’t get out of this snow soon, I’ll be forced to stay at the inn before making my way south,” the man replied gruffly. He looked around until his eyes fell on me.
‘Snow, so that’s what this is called,’ I thought and focused on the staring man. I didn’t like the smile he had on his face; it looked like an unholy fire was lit behind his eyes. I shivered in my pants as I heard the man say, “How much?”
I looked at mama, scared and unable to move. I felt like I was frozen in place when mama picked me up and hugged me, “I’m sorry Toma-chan. Mama has to survive and the only way she knows how to is by sending you with this gentleman.”
‘No! We can figure out something else! Please don’t send me away! I’ll be a good boy!’ I yelled, but neither mama nor the man seemed to care about my pleas.
“He is very delicate and has never been touched. You’ll not find another like him anywhere else. 10,000 yen,” mama looked at the gentleman, still hugging me very tightly.
The man shook his head and they haggled for thirty minutes, over the price of my innocence. Neither seemed to notice my tears by the time they finally reached a price they both agreed on. Mama grumbled over the fact that she had to sell me off for half the price she had set. The man looked very happy with his bargain.
‘Mama! Mama! Please don’t send me away!!!’ I screamed and begged as the man hauled me away. Mama was too busy counting her money to take notice of how the man shoved me into the car. The door closed with a resounding finality and I stared out the fogged up window as mama walked into the house. My pleas went unheard as the man drove away over the icy, snow-covered roads.
I felt the man’s hand on my head and stared at him, afraid of what would come next. I heard him speak, but the words made no sense to me, “My wife will love you. She hasn’t been able to carry a baby to full term and we’ve tried several times already. She is sinking into depression and I can’t watch her be that way. I’m sure you’ll make her feel better.”
‘You can’t just buy me for that reason. I’m sorry for what your wife is going through, but let me go back home! I want my mama!!’ I thought, holding back rage-filled tears.
“I am confident that you’ll have a better life with us than what you had before. I hope you’ll like your new home,” the man smiled and taking his hand off my head drove the rest of the way in silence, with occasional music blasting from what the man called a radio.
My first impression of Tokyo was not a good one. It was loud and bright even after dark. There were people everywhere, walking in throngs, seemingly in a hurry, as if they had to be elsewhere at that very moment. My little brain took in as much as possible, trying to make sense of the things that were scrolling on a building and the giant paintings with big letters. Tokyo was a scary place.
We reached a quiet suburb community after driving through the city streets. I could still see the tall buildings at a distance, but this place had trees and it was relatively quiet. I could hear dogs whining and cats mewing. The houses were large - larger than I had ever seen in all my life. We stopped in front of a red bricked house. The man parked the car in front of the house, got out, grabbed his luggage and walking around the car to the passenger side, opened the door for me. He held my hand and went up the front steps to the big carved door.
‘My new home… a place I’ll be loved, as much as mama loved me,’ I thought, waiting nervously outside as the man rang the doorbell.
When the door opened, I was staring at the floor. I saw two small feet wrapped in slippers. I heard a woman’s voice, “Welcome home honey!”
“I’m home,” the man smiled and kissed the lady’s cheek, “I’ve a surprise for you.”
He pushed me forward until the lady looked down at me. She knelt in front of me and we stared at each other for a long time before the lady picked me up in her arms. She smiled at her husband and asked him, “What is his name?”
‘Ikuta Toma,’ I was about to answer when the man walked inside, closing the door against the cold winter night, “You can call him whatever you want dear.”
“This is a wonderful Valentine’s day surprise! You’re very thoughtful,” the lady smiled, kissing her husband’s cheek and they walked away from the foyer. She set me on the soft plush couch and we stared at each other again. The woman smiled and stroked my chin, “You look like a Robbie. I shall call you Robbie. This shall be your new home from now on Robbie and I’m your new mama.”
‘Mama…’ I sighed leaning into the woman’s hand, ‘I miss my own mama. I suppose she’ll never come get me. I suppose I’ve to get used to living here now,’ I thought staring at my new mama. Things would just be different for me.
We, the three of us, made a happy little family for a while. I was so happy and blissful to be part of a complete family. I should have learned my lesson at an early age, when I was first sold off, that everything has to come to an end. One evening at the dinner table, mama looked excited and jittery. As the dinner progressed, mama looked up at papa, “I’ve news.”
I looked between mama and papa and listened silently as papa spoke, “What is it?”
Mama cleared her throat before speaking, “I’m pregnant again.”
Setting his chopsticks down, papa looked at mama, “Are you sure? I mean, are you ready to try again?”
“Yes. The doctor suggested we visit the clinic regularly and check myself into the hospital months before the actual delivery so that they can monitor the progress and make sure this baby won’t have any complications,” mama was saying rapidly.
I felt relieved watching the happiness course between mama and papa. I was going to have a little brother to play with. I hoped I’ve have a little brother and not a little sister! I would teach him all the cool stuff I knew! I could play with him all day long. Needless to say, I was excited, as much as mama and papa were. If I had known that the arrival of my little brother would shatter my world, I would not have been that excited and happy. I would never have wished for his birth, regardless of how selfish that may sound.
Things started going down as soon mama had to be hospitalized. I went with her. I stayed up until she fell asleep every night. She would smile at me and show me the blanket she was knitting for my little brother. When her belly started growing, papa took me home. He didn’t let me visit mama again for a few months. I was anxious, worried about her health. But on a bright sunny day, they came home and brought with them a tiny bundle. My prayers had been answered. It was a baby boy and I had a little brother.
I was jealous in the beginning. Papa and mama had no time for me anymore. They’d fuss over him all the time. The illusion of a happy family was starting to crack and it was all because of my little brother. I stared long and hard on lonely dark nights at the crib my brother slept in.
‘All I’ve to do is press the pillow over his face and everything will be back to normal,’ I would catch myself thinking. But I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t do such things. But I wish I had when I caught my mama and papa discussing me one night.
“Are you sure honey?” papa asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. I know you paid good money for Robbie, but I can’t take care of him anymore. I’m busy with little Koji and don’t have the energy it takes to look after Robbie anymore. Why don’t you contact the orphanage and see if they can take him?” mama suggested.
The cracks that had appeared in my world were widening and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It was already too late and things had spun out of my control before I noticed. I tried digging my feet into the ground, and holding onto a shelf desperately the next day when papa suggested we go on a little trip. I cried and shook and yelled, ‘I’ll be a good boy, please don’t send me away. I want to stay here! I love you, I’ll do anything you want. I won’t be a bother, so please … please … don’t send me away!’
My cries fell on deaf ears and I was pushed into the backseat of the car against my will for the second time in my life. I stared at the name plate ‘Takatsu’ until we turned a corner. I cried silently as the house that had become my home for years disappeared behind other buildings.
I saw things I shouldn’t see at a very young age. I was sold off, bartered with and fought over by many. I witnessed things I should never have known existed. I bore scars and my broken bones were healed over, but I survived. I would like to think I survived, but what was left of me was nothing more than a shell, discarded for someone new, young and fresh. I didn’t even remember my name properly. I was unwanted. I didn’t know what else to do as I lay like a useless broken doll against a dumpster. I didn’t feel the cold rain pelt against my skin. I didn’t even remember how I got there.
“You look miserable,” I heard a man’s voice above the resounding rain. I saw a man crouch in front of me, an umbrella in hand, shielding us from the cold rain that I hadn't noticed. I barely heard his words, “Would you like to come with me? I’m sure it will be much warmer at my place than here…”
‘Are you a social worker?’ I wanted to ask, but couldn’t. I didn’t have the energy to speak. I stared at the hand that was extended to me and after what felt like an eternity, I looked up at the man. He smiled and picked me up by my arm.
I was silent next to him as we approached his apartment building. I listened to him rant about recent weather, “The heavy snow followed by sunny days and sub zero temperatures are making the roads icy. It’s so dangerous to drive. I actually bumped into another car a few weeks ago. Fortunately no one was hurt.”
We waited for the elevator doors to open in a high rise and we stepped in silently. I was expecting to ride all the way to the top, but we got off at the fourth floor. I was silent as he unlocked his door and pulled me in. It wasn’t often that you see someone bring a stranger into the house and ask them to be at home. I sat on the couch, dripping all over the suede furnishing and the plush white carpet.
“Ah you’re dripping wet! Let me get you a towel!” the stranger ran into his bathroom and came back with a dry towel. He threw a blanket around me and helped me out of my wet clothes. I braced myself for what I knew would soon follow, because it wasn't the first time this has happened. However, this man surprised me. He never once laid his fingers on me inappropriately. He just scrubbed my head with the towel, trying to get my hair dry, “My name is Matsumoto Jun by the way. Think of this as your new home if it will help you relax…”
I continued staring at the man, Jun. It was a nice name for the kind stranger. But I have known unhappiness for too long to believe anything he said. I knew that sooner or later, even Jun will kick me out. No one’s kindness lasted a lifetime. Jun let me stay, for months, even when I refused to speak. We’d have a one-way conversation most evenings, mostly Jun speaking about his day. I had learned over the course of several weeks that he was an idol and was very famous. I watch him on TV all day long when he is out at work. He is a handsome man, someone you’d lust after easily, regardless of your gender.
So, it came as no surprise when Jun would occasionally bring over a “friend”. I tried to not listen to the noises that came from Jun’s room on those days, but it was nearly impossible in the tiny apartment. I stayed awake during those nights, wondering what it would be like to feel Jun. I was in the living room, trying to watch TV and ignore the noises coming from Jun’s bedroom one evening when Jun had a friend over. When the noises subsided, I sighed in relief. I was unconsciously tensed and stressed.
A few minutes later, I heard feet shuffling and saw Jun walk into the kitchen with a sheet wrapped around his waist. Sighing softly, I watched Jun pick a bottle of water.
‘My name is Toma. My mama gave me the name Ikuta Toma. Later I was called Robbie for a few years and then a few other names. You can call me whatever you want,’ I said softly, unsure if he heard it all.
I saw from the corner of my eyes that Jun froze in spot. The open bottle touching his lips. He pulled the bottle away and stared at me, looking shocked that I spoke after months. I sighed softly when I heard his reply whispered softly into the night, “Toma… nice name.”
I hadn’t known that being acknowledged by my own name felt so relieving and exhilarating. I felt as if a huge boulder was removed off my chest. I felt happy, but squashed it immediately; because I knew happiness meant that my world would soon crumble. I looked back at the TV as Jun’s friend strolled in, “I want some water.”
“Sho-chan, I don’t think I’ve introduced you two properly before. Meet Toma, Ikuta Toma,” Jun said to his lover, nodding at me.
I stared at the man who was looking between Jun and me, “Toma? But he looks more like a …”
’ Stop ... stop! Don't say it. My name is Toma… not something you make up on spot … Toma. I want to be called by my own name! I don’t need someone else to give me some other name they think would suit me!’ I yelled, not wanting to give up my name that easily.
Jun nodded his head in agreement, “I think Toma is a nice name and suits him just fine!”
I heard his lover laugh, “Fine, fine. Nice to meet you Toma-san, my name is Sakurai Sho and I’m your roommate’s boyfriend.”
He sank next to me on the couch and whispered loudly, eyes on Jun, “Perhaps next time you’d like to join us?”
“I can’t believe you just said that!” Jun grabbed a throw pillow and hit him hard. I was left blushing and speechless as the two men had a pillow fight like schoolgirls on a sleepover. I could hear Jun yelling at Sho as they fought their way into the bedroom, “Toma-chan is a decent man, not lewd you!”
I sighed softly, falling asleep on the couch, wondering what it would be like, if Jun would give me a chance and not just treat me like a roommate - a freeloading roommate. Our relationship grew slowly from that point. I was still cautious, but eventually gave in to the happiness. Jun made me content. But there was always a nagging feeling whenever Sho visited. We’d have a lovely meal together and then they’d disappear into Jun’s bedroom. I’d stare at the door longingly before turning my attention back to the TV, hoping to focus on anything but Jun.
We were having dinner alone one evening, just Jun and me. It was a quiet and peaceful meal. I was happy to realize that Sho won’t be intruding on us, until the phone rang. Jun set his chopsticks down and answered his cell phone, “Hello?”
“Ah, Sho-chan,” Jun glanced in my direction discretely before turning away politely, “You want to go to the movies?”
I stared at Jun and I had no idea where the words came from. I was simply unable to control what I said, ‘Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.’
Jun stared at me for a few seconds before clearing his throat, “Ah… tonight is not good. I’m … busy. Some other time?”
Our eyes met as Jun hung up and we sat in silence. Happiness bubbled inside me, ‘Thank you.’
Shaking his head, Jun finished his dinner. While washing the plates, he cleared his throat and asked as casually as possible, “Do you want to watch a movie together? I bought Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride recently.”
‘Sure. I’d love to watch a movie with you,’ I smiled as we settled on the couch. The movie was strange, but I didn’t care. When the movie ended, neither of us moved. I felt Jun’s head settle over my curls and smiled realizing he must have fallen asleep. I didn’t want to wake him, so I stayed still and we slept on the couch all night long. It was a wonderful night.
Things changed after that, in a good way. I had noticed that he was declining more and more of Sho’s invitations as days passed. Over the next few months, I barely saw Sho come over anymore. I was able to sleep with some peace of mind, knowing no hanky-panky was going on in the next room. Months rolled by, and Christmas was upon us yet again. Jun was busy with several contracts. He had several interviews to attend and wrap up a drama and a movie. He’d come home tired, yet as he de-stressed he’d tell me all about his day.
Even on Christmas day, he had work. We woke up early that morning and I watched Jun gobble up his breakfast. Before he left for work, he opened the presents and I waited for mine patiently. When I saw there wasn’t a box marked in my name, I sighed softly and thought ‘Ah, I guess I’m still a stranger… you don’t buy presents for strangers…’
“Umm… if you don’t mind… I would like you to move in with me … I mean, into my room,” Jun blushed.
I looked up, surprised and happy at the offer and Jun’s blush was too adorable to refuse, ‘Yes! I’ll move in with you! I’ve waited for so long to hear those words!’
It was one of the best Christmas’s I’ve had. He had work until late, but I didn’t mind because I could wait for him, curled up on a bed I’ve dreamt of sharing with him for months. He felt cold when he came to bed that night, but I didn’t mind. We could get warm together under the blanket. Christmas passed quickly and there was new work Jun had to focus on. A new drama and magazine photo shoots and interviews. I hadn’t seen Sho in months, but I wasn’t complaining. Days turned to weeks and we didn’t notice the time pass so quickly in our bliss. We didn’t even notice the approach of Valentine’s Day until his mailbox started filling up with chocolates a week prior to the actual day. We’d laugh at the cards he’d received with the chocolate and stuff our faces with the sweet desserts.
On the actual day, he had been scheduled to attend various interviews. He took one look at my forlorn face and with a smile called his manager, “Ah, good. You haven’t left to pick me up yet. I can’t attend the interviews today. I’m feeling a little under the weather and there are way too many girls in front of my apartment building to venture out. I was hoping we can postpone today’s meetings and interviews for another day.”
He faked a cough, which made me smile, and when he disconnected the call his eyes were sparkling, “We’ve the entire day to ourselves!”
It was another wonderful day. I never thought my life would turn around like it did and that I’d experience so much happiness. I was watching Jun cook dinner for both of us when his cell phone rang that evening. Turning the stove off, Jun answered his phone, “Hello?”
“Sho-chan…” Jun muttered walking away from me, lowering his voice, “What’s up? I called the manager and asked to clear my day … Hmm? What? No… I can’t go out to dinner… Because I’ve plans. I’m having a romantic dinner with Toma-chan. We’re staying in and watching a movie.”
I didn’t hear what Sho told Jun, but Jun soon turned off the phone and set it on the coffee table. I was happy to know that Jun cared enough to turn off the phone and spend an entire day with me. Over the next few days, Jun made excuses to cancel his interviews and sneak over to the house to see me. It made me very happy - who wouldn’t be happy to know that their boyfriend sneaked out to see them? It was also the beginning of the end of our wonderful relationship.
Jun’s ex-boyfriend had started calling him more often after the Valentine’s Day. I suppose no one would want to break up with such a handsome man. I thought Sho was unable to get over their break up. We were living in our very own happy world. I hadn’t noticed that Jun had stopped going to work and had stopped answering the calls. Not that I blamed him, really. Sho’s calls were getting more annoying as each day passed.
To add fuel to the fire, his friends from the band had taken to calling him several times a day. I know Jun worked hard, but really, they needed to stop calling him for every little problem. I was happiest when the phone was off and no one would disturb us. I started fretting over what to give Jun as White Day approached. He had made such a memorable dinner for Valentine’s Day, it was only fair that I give him something equally memorable.
When the sun broke through the twilight on the morning of March 14th, I snuggled closer to Jun in his bed and whispered in his ear, ‘Happy White Day.’
A smile broke across Jun’s face as he hugged me, “Thank you Toma-chan. Shall I expect a fabulous present from you?”
I stayed silent for a few seconds before speaking again, ‘I … don’t have a fabulous present to give you Jun. I just … have my heart. I love you, very much.’
I saw a few tears in Jun’s eyes before we hugged each other tightly. I never thought I’d hear those words from another person, but I was fortunate enough to hear them from Jun, “I love you too Toma! I don’t know when or how it happened, but I love you. I never want to be away from you… ever!”
‘I’m so glad we found each other Jun-chan!’ my voice broke as emotion flooded. This was a new level of happiness, something mama never told me I could experience. But I had yet to learn that the higher you’re when building your castle in the air, the greater your fall will be when the castle crumbles. I didn’t know why I thought I could really have my happiness, but I had been lax and had nearly forgotten what it meant to lose everything.
That evening, there was a knock on the door. Jun was in the kitchen again, fixing us cereal. We decided cereal for dinner would be different. When he answered the door, four men barged in. I recognized those faces; they were Jun’s band mates.
“Jun, we need to talk,” Sho began, but stopped when his eyes fell on me, sitting in a chair near the dining table. Sho pointed at me and whispered, “He needs to go…”
“What, no! Toma-chan stays here! I don’t care what anyone says, we’re in love and we’ll live together!” Jun declared, which brought a happy smile to my face, “Now, if you guys don’t have anything better to say, you should go back. We were about to have dinner…”
“Jun! Wake up! I don’t know what happened to you, but you can’t live like this. This place is a mess. We haven’t seen you in weeks. You don’t answer our calls and ignore our emails,” the skinny short man named Nino yelled.
“No! I’m happy right now. Don’t try to steal my happiness!” Jun yelled back and stormed over to the dining table where he pulled me into his arms. I stared at the other four men from his arms and was surprised to see they were in shock. I felt sad for the men because they clearly didn’t know what true love meant. Or perhaps they were shocked to find out that their friend was gay, ‘No, wait. That can’t be right. At least Sho should know that Jun is gay. They were lovers a few months ago.’
“Jun-chan… let Toma go,” a gruff voice demanded and four pairs of hands pulled us apart.
‘No! Don’t you dare separate us! We finally found happiness in each other’s arms after years of loneliness! I don’t want to go away. Please, Jun … don’t let them take me away from you!’ I yelled clinging to Jun. I could feel Jun’s fingers around my arms. He had a death grip on me. I was sure that any more pressure from him or the others would break my arms like twigs.
“Don’t you dare take him away from me!” Jun yelled as his fingers slipped away from my arms. I had a frozen moment, where everything was silent and moving in slow motion. Three men tackled Jun to the floor where he was trying to kick them off, but they had pinned him securely.
‘Jun! JUN!!!’ I yelled again as the group’s leader took me out of the apartment. The apartment I called home for months; the apartment where I tasted love; the apartment where my broken heart lay behind in pieces, ‘Don’t do this … please … don’t do this. Let me be with Jun. I’ll be good. I promise I won’t be a bother!’ I pleaded with Ohno. I sounded like a broken record, even to myself. I had said those words so many times over the years. I had begged and begged all the people who had taken me in, to let me stay. But I never received an answer. I didn’t expect one now either, but I couldn’t stop staring at Ohno with my glazed eyes and beg him not to take me away.
I don’t remember how far we had come from the apartment. I wasn’t paying attention to the roads, so I wasn’t even sure where I was. I had stopped begging Ohno and we silently boarded a train. We sat in the train mutely for a while. I wasn’t sure where we were going. I hadn’t taken a look at the ticket. There was an announcement from the engineer that the train would depart soon. I saw Ohno stand and walk towards the exit. I guess he wasn’t coming with me. I suppose it meant he wanted me to leave Jun alone and go far, far away.
Before the doors closed, Ohno turned and looked at me, “I’m sorry Toma-chan, but you can’t be with Jun, not the way you and Jun dream of. You can’t fulfill all of Jun’s needs. Look at him, he is already not himself ... all because of you.”
I stared at Ohno in surprise. No one had ever given me an answer as to why they can’t let me stay with them for long. This was the first time and so I ventured another question, ‘Why?’
“Because you’re a doll,” Ohno whispered as the doors closed.
I stared at Ohno, motionless. The train pulled away from the station leaving me with many questions ‘A doll? I am a doll? That doesn’t make sense.’
I stayed on the train for a long time. I was shoved aside, kicked and poked at on the train, but none of it mattered. My little mind was trying to make sense of what Ohno said when I left the train station that morning. I saw an image of Jun on TV. I heard over the static that he was admitted to a psychiatric ward of a local hospital. It was breaking news. But why did they need to take Jun away? Nothing made sense anymore. I rode that train for days, watching the scenery change from green fields to snow covered mountains.
Days and nights started blending in and everything was just a blur. There weren’t any more reports on Jun after that night. I had to give up on him. He wasn’t coming to get me. No one was coming to get me. I was alone in the compartment on a dark night when the TV blared on again.
“Earlier today we received reports from the hospital that Matsumoto Jun was found dead in his room. The doctors are not telling us the cause of his death or how it happened. For more coverage, stay with us,” the reporter spoke into the camera.
I gasped softly, and my heart broke all over again. I didn’t even get to say proper goodbye to my only love. As the train pulled to a stop at a station, I cried silently. I was too sad and tired to notice the passengers boarding the compartment. When a pair of gentle hands picked me up, I refused to look them in the eye, ‘what’s the point? You’re going to abandon me too. You should just leave me now, before shattering my little heart after filling it with hope.’
“Such a happy looking doll shouldn’t be carrying the weight of the world,” I heard someone speaking softly. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in over two decades. I looked up to meet the eyes of my mama.
‘Mama!’ I yelled, and I couldn’t stop the flow of emotion in that one word.
“Oh my dear Toma-chan! How I missed you! I’m so glad to have finally found you again, although this isn’t the fate I wished upon you,” mama smiled wiping a smudge off my face.
We watched the news silently, the reporter was going over the details about the famous idol’s death again. When it was time for a commercial break, mama turned to me and asked, “Would you like a companion?”
‘A companion?’ I asked, and sighed softly, ‘I had a companion until recently. His friends couldn’t bear to watch us be together and we were torn apart, forcibly. That’s him on the news … not the reporter, but the idol.’
Mama watched the news again and smiled slowly, “Your birthday is coming in a few months, and that should give me enough time to make you a companion and we’ll name him Matsumoto Jun.”
I closed my eyes and thought about it all the way to Hokkaido. We rode on the back of a truck from the train station to the village, where mama’s small drafty house still stood. I looked around the long forgotten walls and smiled thinking, ‘I’m home … and yes I will wait patiently for Jun-chan to join me on the shelf.’
If I had known back then that the fate of everyone who had ever loved me and took me into their homes with open arms was the same as Matsumoto Jun, I might have thought differently to mama’s proposition; but I didn’t know that; and I didn’t know the madness we would unleash together upon the world. After all, we now travel together.
Thank you for reading everyone!