Comments | toestablishties: Backward Beta Chapter Five & Last Nitpick of Chapter Four

43sunsets in toestablishties

Backward Beta Chapter Five & Last Nitpick of Chapter Four

Jun 02, 2005 13:03

Updated June 19, 2005

Welcome, unicorn13 :-)

Hi all :-)

Here's the published chapter five, keeping in mind why_me_why_not and rea_saint’s beta-ing comments and suggestions.

( Published Chapter Five )

ch 4, ch 5

Comments 13

lissomelle June 14 2005, 23:23:51 UTC

Harry-Snape Dynamics: The flow of chapter five seems to be fine. However, if there is no reasoning behind Harry's vehement reaction to learning that Snape is a teacher at Hogwarts, then you might want to backtrack and revise. It seems to imply that Harry had some sort of unpleasant experience at Hogwarts, and therefore is wary of anyone associated with the place.

Word Choice: I agree, the sentence's flow isn't completely smooth. I would suggest trying the words "which had been" instead of "that was hitherto hidden," but the word choice seems a bit too bland and ordinary. *shrugs* It's your call on that one.

One last nitpick:

"Yeah, I can see how it’s confusing, but I don’t want to capitalize “Mother” either, since then my style would be inconsistent (I don’t capitalize “mother” in earlier references)."As I recall, the standard is to capitalize words such as "Mother" or "Aunt," etc. when modifiers (...?) such as "my" or "the" are absent. I would suggest either adding the word "my" in front of mother, or simply capitalizing it, ( ... )

nitpicks 43sunsets June 16 2005, 06:47:38 UTC

Hi :-) Thanks for the help. Sorry for the delay in my update, I'll e-mail you chapter six in a few hours.

It seems to imply that Harry had some sort of unpleasant experience at Hogwarts, and therefore is wary of anyone associated with the place.

There is a reasoning behind Harry's hostility, but it won't be revealed until chapter...15 at the earliest.

I would suggest trying the words "which had been" instead of "that was hitherto hidden,"

What about:
I stared at the jagged scar that was previously hidden by his unruly bangs.
OR
I stared at the jagged scar that was heretofore hidden by his unruly bangs.

"Heretofore" is a slight improvement from "hitherto," IMO...Hhmmm...

As I recall, the standard is to capitalize words such as "Mother" or "Aunt," etc. when modifiers (...?) such as "my" or "the" are absent. I would suggest either adding the word "my" in front of mother, or simply capitalizing it, and going back to revise previous references.*check stylebook* Yeah, you're right. Will have to change all my previous mentions of " ( ... )

Re: nitpicks lissomelle June 16 2005, 23:30:46 UTC

All right, that sounds good!

Hmm, I prefer "previously" to "heretofore," actually. "Heretofore" sounds even more stilted that "hitherto," in my opinion.

Re: nitpicks 43sunsets June 17 2005, 00:29:59 UTC

"previously hidden"

Yeah, I can live with one less alliteration I suppose ;-)

Thread 13