NEW: Insecure (1/1) - a Doctor Who fanfic
Title: Insecure
Rating: PG-13/T (some emotional stuff, implied adult situations)
Summary: How did Donna get the Doctor to agree to teach her to pilot the TARDIS? Well, he had a wish... and she took advantage...
Disclaimer: RTD and the BBC - and a good chunk of the fanbase - would've had a sh*t fit if this had actually happened, and the fact that it didn't... should prove who owns what.
Dedication: I made a comment to sunnsea over at Live Journal about one cap from her “The Sontaran Strategem” picspam, I repeated it to the doctor_donna comm, and then time_converges had a comment that gave me the prodding to write this little ditty. I also needed to prove to myself that I CAN write SHORT pieces in this fandom. So I dedicate this to both of them. Without sunnsea's picspam, or time_converges's comment, this wouldn't exist. And to luinel_anduril, since it was her birthday notice that prodded my Muse to complete the story.
Author's Note: Hadn't realized just how many things one can read in Ten's expressions until I saw sunnsea's picspam. Excuse me while I smirk like crazy over his... discomfort here... bas_math_girl was right: I adore a sexually frustrated Tenth Doctor!
Had trouble getting Muse to work on this, but then I saw a few D/D fics where no dialogue was used. So I revised it a bit, and I was able to finish it quickly. With help from beta reading by tardis_mole, bas_math_girl, and cassikat. Because I wanted to be able to use this fic to say..
Happy Birthday, sunnsea and luinel_anduril!
A Time Lord's mind worked at a much faster pace than any other bipedal species' did. Well, any sentient species, really. It could hold so much more information, see so many more possibilities, and be aware of all of the implications on the time-lines at the same moment. The Doctor had never doubted his mind's ability to solve a problem.
Until now...
He had all these books in front of him to try to educate him on an area he'd previously been uninterested in... And it felt like what he'd read just swirled like a whirlpool in his mind: not connecting with anything...
All because of his reactions to a particular ginger...
He'd spent all of his life convinced that he was like all the other Time Lords: asexual. No urges, aside from the need to be around others who didn't look down on him for being different. For not quite fitting in with the rest of his people. It must explain his falling in with human companions more times than not since the start of his first exile...
Until one Donna Noble burst unexpectedly into his life. And told him no - a word that only enemies and his own people had told him. But never someone who he'd asked to be a companion...
Okay, Grace had said it. But he hadn't really expected her to say yes. He supposed being brought back to life and having all those patients to take care of was reason enough...
Oh, yes, and Rose had said it at first, but he'd been able to read her well enough to try again soon after. Donna was much harder to read, and it never occurred to him to visit her the very next day.
His loss...
She was right when she called him an outer space dunce... Sometimes he really couldn't see what was right in front of him, and it had hurt him numerous of times over his life. He didn't want to admit to that number any more than he liked to admit to his actual age...
But now the stakes were much higher, and his pride might never recover from this... The reason for his hiding in the TARDIS library to read every book he could find on human sexual relations - especially anything that might be useful about possible female reactions...
Sighing, he pulled off his brainy specs and pinched the bridge of his nose. And remembered just how he'd gotten to this point...
=
When Donna was practically shoveling her bags and boxes at him, he was completely delighted that she wanted to go with him. What she had to offer seemed like nothing he'd experienced before. He'd just known that she might become his best friend ever...
It was the other reactions that had him uneasy... The strange feelings that flowed from his hearts to his skin... and especially to a place that had never reacted to anyone or anything before. (Captain Jack would've been absolutely chagrined to know that, but the Doctor would never tell...)
So he was worried about a repeat of what happened with Martha. Or with Rose - although it seemed like bad form to express that one. She'd been exactly what his Ninth self had needed as a support, but, and this was what made it hard to think about her, he was coming to realize that he had been outgrowing his need of her. That he would've soon had to find a way to persuade her to leave him had she not been trapped in Pete's World with her mother and with Mickey.
Rassilon, he hoped that she turned to Mickey... before the maturing young man gave up on her... A man of any regular mortal species - with the sense that Mickey was showing there - would give up without enough encouragement.
He hadn't thought he was more like the people he traveled with than he'd realized. He hoped it was less a sign of what he was like than an indication that he'd just been overcoming the rigorous training that was designed to suppress all the “baser” instincts.
He had just meant “a mate” when he spoke to Donna, but it was like his subconscious mind had other ideas. Because soon after she'd joined him, he began to notice all sorts of things immediately that had taken him a while to note about other companions - if they were with him long enough for him to notice. He caught himself cataloguing all the things that her scent reminded him of, gestures that absolutely fascinated him... and how her body moved.
It was then that it dawned on him how much attention he'd paid to her chest that first time. Given her willingness to slap when someone crossed her lines, he was profoundly grateful she hadn't noticed. 'Cause he was - at first - at a total loss as to why he did it...
It was when he was reflecting on why these 21st Century Earth women were so obsessed with their appearance, and wondered how he could help Donna move past her own self-recriminations that things turned crazy - even for him. He knew that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her body. Why, her form would've been perfect for a model of those Earth painters who did all those female nudes.
And just after he had the thought, he mentally crossed all those painters off the list of people to introduce her to. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone seeing her naked - other than himself.
Unfortunately, he had this realization as he was watching her make breakfast. And he was staring in a daze at her when she noticed his distracted state. She'd exclaimed her favorite nickname for him (and he'd never let anyone else call him a spaceman), shocking him into awareness. She demanded to know what was with the staring, whether he'd spotted a new flaw, and if the TARDIS was lying when she told Donna that she'd lost weight.
He'd gotten a little irritated at her putting herself down. He didn't want to hear another word about her being anything other than perfectly lovely, and he said so - without thinking - as he rushed right next to her - also without thinking. He shouted about what he wished he could do to all those who insulted her, who made her feel she wasn't enough, and how they obviously didn't know what a good thing was in front of them!
Only when he saw the shocked look in her eyes did he realize what he'd said, and his face had never changed color that much. But Donna had sputtered about how he must have hit his head or something, and that even if he truly thought all of that, it didn't matter so much since he was an alien. But she'd added, as his jaw dropped in dismay over her dismissal of his flattering description of her, it didn't matter since she'd decided that traveling with him was a better use of her time than wasting her life looking for a husband and a family. Lance's words hadn't really been anything she hadn't heard before, after all...
He was incensed on her behalf. Did the men of her own species really think so shallowly?! If yes, then he might have to punch half of Chiswick for her! His control over his mouth was lost again, and he went into a litany of all the things that made her an absolutely beautiful person - inside and out. He had just gone on about her hair and her eyes, switching to how her compassion left him breathless in awe - and then she'd waved her hands to stop him.
An exclamation that he really did want to mate snapped him back to the there-and-now. He held up his hands and protested that he'd never do anything she didn't want. That he'd never even thought of doing that with anyone before her, that he didn't trust them enough to get that close to them.
Once again, it seemed, his mouth had run off on him beyond what he would've consciously allowed. It happened a lot around Donna Noble, much to his mortification and her amusement...
But then... a miracle. She hadn't slapped him. Hadn't yelled at him about how dare he, or the like. Instead, she'd asked a slew of questions. He'd had no choice but to admit to a lot of things he'd rather have kept to himself. The upshot? He'd finally seen that he'd made a certain someone up to be more than she was when she'd been with him... and that had done more to hurt Martha Jones than even his subconscious flirting had done.
He really was a daft bint... Donna had called him that, and he didn't know how to challenge the name. Even if he was male instead of female...
In this incarnation. No telling what the future held in store...
She'd surprised him with an offer: she'd let him try mating out... if he first taught her to fly the TARDIS.
It stunned him. Let a companion fly the Old Girl?! Oh, he didn't say it, but he was nervous. He had enough trouble with her, and he hated to force a companion to endure the trouble... Only the TARDIS had nudged him to accept... trusting Donna like she'd never trusted any companion - including Susan!
He'd gulped, excitement and anxiety warring in his hearts as he nodded acceptance of her terms. And guided her to the Control Room for the first lesson...
She'd completely shocked him with how well she did. (Going too close to the 1980s in a later lesson notwithstanding.) She grasped the ideas behind even his makeshift repairs to the Controls, and was starting to help him fly the Old Girl more smoothly. When she'd actually gotten them to a place where he needed materials for another repair - without any assistance from him - he'd been ecstatic for her. How could she think she wasn't absolutely brilliant?!
That he'd thrown himself into teaching her again had been his way of dealing with the loss of Jenny. And Donna's success had allowed him to let it go for a while...
Only when he let Donna go from a big hug of congratulations did she stun him. Telling him that he could claim his side of the bargain anytime - as long as he first made sure that she was in the mood. It said something about how easily Donna could shock him into silence that it took him a lot longer than he would ever admit to before he remembered what she meant...
=
...which had sent him hunting through the TARDIS library and to a few sneak visits to bookshops for information. And was what had him all flustered and...
Rubbing his forehead, the Doctor sagged in his chair. What had he been thinking... He talked out loud about how he was in so far over his head... that his people had acted asexual for so long that all this information seemed completely foreign to him... and about how could he possibly hope to be able to please his Earthgirl... He knew that she wanted to travel with him forever, and oh how he wished that could be true!
But what if he displeased her...? She'd leave in a heartbeat... and he couldn't imagine not being bossed around by her... She'd become so much more intertwined with his soul than he'd ever thought Rose had been... What was he going to do whenever she did leave... by choice or not...? She'd hardly want to mate with him when he told her that he'd realized that sex for Gallifreyans would require a mental connection that would lead him to tell her something that would bind them together for life...
His head fell into his hands... and he felt tears fall... Bigger and weighing his soul down more than even the awful guilt - combined with the pain of yet again losing a companion, even if things had gotten unnecessarily complicated because of Rose's unrequited feelings - he'd felt when the connection cut out the day he ultimately met Donna on...
He didn't hear her footsteps enter the room. Didn't see her look over the mess of books and notes around him. Not until she whispered the name he went by, making him jump. She murmured about how sorry she was to interrupt him, but he waved it off limply. Instead, he - reluctantly - admitted to how unequal he now felt to the whole thing. How he felt sure he would disappoint her, and how he'd rather just suppress his feelings - and wish that them mating would be the start of something far more brilliant - and live with how things were than do anything that would make her want to leave.
He was in the middle of telling her that he wouldn't hold her to her promise when she grabbed his arm and hand, dragging him out of the library and toward somewhere else. He blinked a lot, but then his eyes nearly froze open when he realized that Donna had led him into her bedroom. He opened his mouth, but what he was going to say, he didn't know; his mind went blank.
Donna turned to him and put a finger over his mouth, ensuring his silence. She softly smiled, and reminded him that she wouldn't have been able to learn to pilot the TARDIS without him. So he could rely on her to teach him how to make love. When his eyes widened further (than he'd even thought possible), she let him know that she already held enough trust, respect, and love for him that she thought they had a good foundation for the rest of her life. She might not be in love with him, but she was willing to let him try to grow those feelings within her because she liked him enough that it would never feel like settling.
He didn't have much of a chance to ponder that; she playfully used his tie to tug him in for a kiss. Which promptly shut down his higher brain functions...
Not that he cared... for more than a few nanoseconds...
When he recovered his higher brain functions, he was lying on his back with what he slowly realized was the goofiest, most dazed grin of his entire life. (Not just this him, but all of his selves!) Donna was curled against his side, draped in exhaustion against him, content to have one of his hands stroking her skin as the other absently played with her hair.
He'd hated that last time, the first time, he'd tried to have sex - back before the Time War. But between Donna's willingness to guide him, to give gentle instruction (and sometimes not so gentle) and his own curiosity about what made her happy, he was already looking forward to the next time. Because it meant that there would be more and more times after that...
And to think that there were more things to try...! Now all those materials and details that seemed incomprehensible before were filled with promise of joy, fun, and positively decadent pleasure. He was so grateful his Earthgirl was so sensible, so... everything!
Although why he found it hard to stay awake, he couldn't understand...
Eh, did it matter in the end? He had a new place to spend his “nights” on board, and his incredibly special companion was now so much more... officially...
Might take a little practice to stop correcting people who thought they were married... Since they sort of were now...
And Donna's willingness to be bonded was probably the greatest gift imaginable... Who would have known that a Time Lord and a Human could be so brilliant together...?!
THE END
Rating: PG-13/T (some emotional stuff, implied adult situations)
Summary: How did Donna get the Doctor to agree to teach her to pilot the TARDIS? Well, he had a wish... and she took advantage...
Disclaimer: RTD and the BBC - and a good chunk of the fanbase - would've had a sh*t fit if this had actually happened, and the fact that it didn't... should prove who owns what.
Dedication: I made a comment to sunnsea over at Live Journal about one cap from her “The Sontaran Strategem” picspam, I repeated it to the doctor_donna comm, and then time_converges had a comment that gave me the prodding to write this little ditty. I also needed to prove to myself that I CAN write SHORT pieces in this fandom. So I dedicate this to both of them. Without sunnsea's picspam, or time_converges's comment, this wouldn't exist. And to luinel_anduril, since it was her birthday notice that prodded my Muse to complete the story.
Author's Note: Hadn't realized just how many things one can read in Ten's expressions until I saw sunnsea's picspam. Excuse me while I smirk like crazy over his... discomfort here... bas_math_girl was right: I adore a sexually frustrated Tenth Doctor!
Had trouble getting Muse to work on this, but then I saw a few D/D fics where no dialogue was used. So I revised it a bit, and I was able to finish it quickly. With help from beta reading by tardis_mole, bas_math_girl, and cassikat. Because I wanted to be able to use this fic to say..
Happy Birthday, sunnsea and luinel_anduril!
A Time Lord's mind worked at a much faster pace than any other bipedal species' did. Well, any sentient species, really. It could hold so much more information, see so many more possibilities, and be aware of all of the implications on the time-lines at the same moment. The Doctor had never doubted his mind's ability to solve a problem.
Until now...
He had all these books in front of him to try to educate him on an area he'd previously been uninterested in... And it felt like what he'd read just swirled like a whirlpool in his mind: not connecting with anything...
All because of his reactions to a particular ginger...
He'd spent all of his life convinced that he was like all the other Time Lords: asexual. No urges, aside from the need to be around others who didn't look down on him for being different. For not quite fitting in with the rest of his people. It must explain his falling in with human companions more times than not since the start of his first exile...
Until one Donna Noble burst unexpectedly into his life. And told him no - a word that only enemies and his own people had told him. But never someone who he'd asked to be a companion...
Okay, Grace had said it. But he hadn't really expected her to say yes. He supposed being brought back to life and having all those patients to take care of was reason enough...
Oh, yes, and Rose had said it at first, but he'd been able to read her well enough to try again soon after. Donna was much harder to read, and it never occurred to him to visit her the very next day.
His loss...
She was right when she called him an outer space dunce... Sometimes he really couldn't see what was right in front of him, and it had hurt him numerous of times over his life. He didn't want to admit to that number any more than he liked to admit to his actual age...
But now the stakes were much higher, and his pride might never recover from this... The reason for his hiding in the TARDIS library to read every book he could find on human sexual relations - especially anything that might be useful about possible female reactions...
Sighing, he pulled off his brainy specs and pinched the bridge of his nose. And remembered just how he'd gotten to this point...
=
When Donna was practically shoveling her bags and boxes at him, he was completely delighted that she wanted to go with him. What she had to offer seemed like nothing he'd experienced before. He'd just known that she might become his best friend ever...
It was the other reactions that had him uneasy... The strange feelings that flowed from his hearts to his skin... and especially to a place that had never reacted to anyone or anything before. (Captain Jack would've been absolutely chagrined to know that, but the Doctor would never tell...)
So he was worried about a repeat of what happened with Martha. Or with Rose - although it seemed like bad form to express that one. She'd been exactly what his Ninth self had needed as a support, but, and this was what made it hard to think about her, he was coming to realize that he had been outgrowing his need of her. That he would've soon had to find a way to persuade her to leave him had she not been trapped in Pete's World with her mother and with Mickey.
Rassilon, he hoped that she turned to Mickey... before the maturing young man gave up on her... A man of any regular mortal species - with the sense that Mickey was showing there - would give up without enough encouragement.
He hadn't thought he was more like the people he traveled with than he'd realized. He hoped it was less a sign of what he was like than an indication that he'd just been overcoming the rigorous training that was designed to suppress all the “baser” instincts.
He had just meant “a mate” when he spoke to Donna, but it was like his subconscious mind had other ideas. Because soon after she'd joined him, he began to notice all sorts of things immediately that had taken him a while to note about other companions - if they were with him long enough for him to notice. He caught himself cataloguing all the things that her scent reminded him of, gestures that absolutely fascinated him... and how her body moved.
It was then that it dawned on him how much attention he'd paid to her chest that first time. Given her willingness to slap when someone crossed her lines, he was profoundly grateful she hadn't noticed. 'Cause he was - at first - at a total loss as to why he did it...
It was when he was reflecting on why these 21st Century Earth women were so obsessed with their appearance, and wondered how he could help Donna move past her own self-recriminations that things turned crazy - even for him. He knew that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her body. Why, her form would've been perfect for a model of those Earth painters who did all those female nudes.
And just after he had the thought, he mentally crossed all those painters off the list of people to introduce her to. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone seeing her naked - other than himself.
Unfortunately, he had this realization as he was watching her make breakfast. And he was staring in a daze at her when she noticed his distracted state. She'd exclaimed her favorite nickname for him (and he'd never let anyone else call him a spaceman), shocking him into awareness. She demanded to know what was with the staring, whether he'd spotted a new flaw, and if the TARDIS was lying when she told Donna that she'd lost weight.
He'd gotten a little irritated at her putting herself down. He didn't want to hear another word about her being anything other than perfectly lovely, and he said so - without thinking - as he rushed right next to her - also without thinking. He shouted about what he wished he could do to all those who insulted her, who made her feel she wasn't enough, and how they obviously didn't know what a good thing was in front of them!
Only when he saw the shocked look in her eyes did he realize what he'd said, and his face had never changed color that much. But Donna had sputtered about how he must have hit his head or something, and that even if he truly thought all of that, it didn't matter so much since he was an alien. But she'd added, as his jaw dropped in dismay over her dismissal of his flattering description of her, it didn't matter since she'd decided that traveling with him was a better use of her time than wasting her life looking for a husband and a family. Lance's words hadn't really been anything she hadn't heard before, after all...
He was incensed on her behalf. Did the men of her own species really think so shallowly?! If yes, then he might have to punch half of Chiswick for her! His control over his mouth was lost again, and he went into a litany of all the things that made her an absolutely beautiful person - inside and out. He had just gone on about her hair and her eyes, switching to how her compassion left him breathless in awe - and then she'd waved her hands to stop him.
An exclamation that he really did want to mate snapped him back to the there-and-now. He held up his hands and protested that he'd never do anything she didn't want. That he'd never even thought of doing that with anyone before her, that he didn't trust them enough to get that close to them.
Once again, it seemed, his mouth had run off on him beyond what he would've consciously allowed. It happened a lot around Donna Noble, much to his mortification and her amusement...
But then... a miracle. She hadn't slapped him. Hadn't yelled at him about how dare he, or the like. Instead, she'd asked a slew of questions. He'd had no choice but to admit to a lot of things he'd rather have kept to himself. The upshot? He'd finally seen that he'd made a certain someone up to be more than she was when she'd been with him... and that had done more to hurt Martha Jones than even his subconscious flirting had done.
He really was a daft bint... Donna had called him that, and he didn't know how to challenge the name. Even if he was male instead of female...
In this incarnation. No telling what the future held in store...
She'd surprised him with an offer: she'd let him try mating out... if he first taught her to fly the TARDIS.
It stunned him. Let a companion fly the Old Girl?! Oh, he didn't say it, but he was nervous. He had enough trouble with her, and he hated to force a companion to endure the trouble... Only the TARDIS had nudged him to accept... trusting Donna like she'd never trusted any companion - including Susan!
He'd gulped, excitement and anxiety warring in his hearts as he nodded acceptance of her terms. And guided her to the Control Room for the first lesson...
She'd completely shocked him with how well she did. (Going too close to the 1980s in a later lesson notwithstanding.) She grasped the ideas behind even his makeshift repairs to the Controls, and was starting to help him fly the Old Girl more smoothly. When she'd actually gotten them to a place where he needed materials for another repair - without any assistance from him - he'd been ecstatic for her. How could she think she wasn't absolutely brilliant?!
That he'd thrown himself into teaching her again had been his way of dealing with the loss of Jenny. And Donna's success had allowed him to let it go for a while...
Only when he let Donna go from a big hug of congratulations did she stun him. Telling him that he could claim his side of the bargain anytime - as long as he first made sure that she was in the mood. It said something about how easily Donna could shock him into silence that it took him a lot longer than he would ever admit to before he remembered what she meant...
=
...which had sent him hunting through the TARDIS library and to a few sneak visits to bookshops for information. And was what had him all flustered and...
Rubbing his forehead, the Doctor sagged in his chair. What had he been thinking... He talked out loud about how he was in so far over his head... that his people had acted asexual for so long that all this information seemed completely foreign to him... and about how could he possibly hope to be able to please his Earthgirl... He knew that she wanted to travel with him forever, and oh how he wished that could be true!
But what if he displeased her...? She'd leave in a heartbeat... and he couldn't imagine not being bossed around by her... She'd become so much more intertwined with his soul than he'd ever thought Rose had been... What was he going to do whenever she did leave... by choice or not...? She'd hardly want to mate with him when he told her that he'd realized that sex for Gallifreyans would require a mental connection that would lead him to tell her something that would bind them together for life...
His head fell into his hands... and he felt tears fall... Bigger and weighing his soul down more than even the awful guilt - combined with the pain of yet again losing a companion, even if things had gotten unnecessarily complicated because of Rose's unrequited feelings - he'd felt when the connection cut out the day he ultimately met Donna on...
He didn't hear her footsteps enter the room. Didn't see her look over the mess of books and notes around him. Not until she whispered the name he went by, making him jump. She murmured about how sorry she was to interrupt him, but he waved it off limply. Instead, he - reluctantly - admitted to how unequal he now felt to the whole thing. How he felt sure he would disappoint her, and how he'd rather just suppress his feelings - and wish that them mating would be the start of something far more brilliant - and live with how things were than do anything that would make her want to leave.
He was in the middle of telling her that he wouldn't hold her to her promise when she grabbed his arm and hand, dragging him out of the library and toward somewhere else. He blinked a lot, but then his eyes nearly froze open when he realized that Donna had led him into her bedroom. He opened his mouth, but what he was going to say, he didn't know; his mind went blank.
Donna turned to him and put a finger over his mouth, ensuring his silence. She softly smiled, and reminded him that she wouldn't have been able to learn to pilot the TARDIS without him. So he could rely on her to teach him how to make love. When his eyes widened further (than he'd even thought possible), she let him know that she already held enough trust, respect, and love for him that she thought they had a good foundation for the rest of her life. She might not be in love with him, but she was willing to let him try to grow those feelings within her because she liked him enough that it would never feel like settling.
He didn't have much of a chance to ponder that; she playfully used his tie to tug him in for a kiss. Which promptly shut down his higher brain functions...
Not that he cared... for more than a few nanoseconds...
When he recovered his higher brain functions, he was lying on his back with what he slowly realized was the goofiest, most dazed grin of his entire life. (Not just this him, but all of his selves!) Donna was curled against his side, draped in exhaustion against him, content to have one of his hands stroking her skin as the other absently played with her hair.
He'd hated that last time, the first time, he'd tried to have sex - back before the Time War. But between Donna's willingness to guide him, to give gentle instruction (and sometimes not so gentle) and his own curiosity about what made her happy, he was already looking forward to the next time. Because it meant that there would be more and more times after that...
And to think that there were more things to try...! Now all those materials and details that seemed incomprehensible before were filled with promise of joy, fun, and positively decadent pleasure. He was so grateful his Earthgirl was so sensible, so... everything!
Although why he found it hard to stay awake, he couldn't understand...
Eh, did it matter in the end? He had a new place to spend his “nights” on board, and his incredibly special companion was now so much more... officially...
Might take a little practice to stop correcting people who thought they were married... Since they sort of were now...
And Donna's willingness to be bonded was probably the greatest gift imaginable... Who would have known that a Time Lord and a Human could be so brilliant together...?!
THE END