(Untitled)

[tinylittleonion]

*has been cooking again, after bringing in cherries from the cherry trees and deciding on a whim to make varenyky -- perhaps it's careless of him, for he doesn't think of where the flour comes from and whether it ought to be rationed, but it's an innocent, open-hearted sort of impulse, and it would be spoiled with too much worrying. he only takes a

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[john_ofdarkness]

*assuming that he is the 'dear friend' mentioned, John will be in his room, sitting in the window and scratching notes idly on a pad of paper. scripting dialogue; it's never been a strong suit of his. all of his characters have the same speech patterns, and it annoys him; therefore he spends more time looking out at the gardens, the treeline, anyone who should pass by*

[john_ofdarkness]

*just guessing* You could try to convince him that he wasn't responsible for your father's death--at the end of the book, he was fairly certain that it was his own fault.

[tinylittleonion]

You're right about that. I know it weighs heavily on him, though he hasn't spoken of it since the fever. Perhaps nothing else I say will be enough, if it doesn't touch on father's death ... but I don't know if that's enough, either ... *frowns, thinking -- and perhaps he oughtn't ask this, but* ... What would your brother have had to do, to convince you you were a good man?

[john_ofdarkness]

*a somewhat mirthless laugh* Been worse himself, I should think. It's difficult to think anything pleasant about yourself when everyone is constantly comparing you to a saint.

[tinylittleonion]

Ah, but then think how difficult it is to be a saint. *a very faint smile* In some ways, I am worse. Do you think I should let him know that?

[john_ofdarkness]

*amused* I doubt you're worse.

[tinylittleonion]

He might say that, too.

[john_ofdarkness]

What could you say to prove him wrong? *it feels like an interrogation, like this--and while normally that's John's thing, this time he goes to sit beside Alyosha*

[tinylittleonion]

*hesitates* I'm not certain. It's not that I have more faults than him, though I have very many faults ... it's that he has a quality I haven't. I think he's suffered more.

[john_ofdarkness]

Well--I can't say I wish you were a better person, if that's your criteria.

[tinylittleonion]

*embarrassed* I don't mean that he's better because he suffers -- I can't express it very well. Except, I told him not to assume I forgave him only because it was easy for me -- and I don't know why I was so insistent about it, only that I thought it might mean more to him. Most things are easy for me, like loving my neighbor even when he's been unkind to me ... but my neighbor is often kind to me, and when he isn't I have faith in his better nature. And since I sometimes form impressions quickly, or act impulsively and without thinking, there's no question about it, no trial. Ivan doesn't think there's any reason to love one's neighbor -- but he suffers over it. And perhaps that means more to him than doing things impulsively ... I can't express it very well.

[john_ofdarkness]

*leaning over to kiss his hair, just gently* Not very well, no, but I think I understand the sense of it. Suffering makes us worth forgiving, something like that?

[tinylittleonion]

Something like that, yes. And someone like Ivan's farther along, closer to something like grace, than I am. *the kiss eases him a little, the gentleness of it, and he confesses* When I first hurt you, it was very difficult for me, because I didn't know if there was anything I could do. But if it hadn't been difficult -- if I hadn't suffered -- I would've been a worse person for it, I think.

[john_ofdarkness]

I wouldn't have forgiven you if you hadn't suffered for it, so I suppose you're right on that score. *but as they're talking, he's sitting straighter, not angling himself toward Alyosha; resting his hands on his knees and not on the bedspread*

[tinylittleonion]

You wouldn't have had any reason to ... but I don't mean to bring it up again. *noticing the change in posture and thinking perhaps that's what's wrong -- watching him very gently, curiously*

[john_ofdarkness]

No, go ahead, bring it up if it helps you to make sense of your brother's issues. *standing at last and going to sit in the window again, picking up his tablet*