I Never Said Sorry
Title: I Never Said Sorry
Author: Timelordshines
Characters: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
Rating: 15
Words: 1561
Spoilers: S1E12, S1E13
Disclaimer: Characters and situations belong to RTD and the BBC - I’m just borrowing them.
Written for hc_bingo prompt "Fighting"
Author's Note: As always, comments and criticism are welcome and would help me to improve.
Author's Note 2: Huge thanks to iantojjackh, badly_knitted and tardisjournal for encouraging me to write this companion piece to 'Sit a While Longer' which can be found here: http://timelordshines.livejournal.com/6999.html. Sorry it took me so long to get around to it! Hope it is ok....
“How long’s she going to do this?”
Ianto turned and started at him incredulously. Tosh just shook her head minutely and continued watching the screen showing the CCTV of Gwen pacing around the small morgue where Jack’s cold body lay on the slab ready to be interred for the rest of time.
Owen persisted “Someone needs to go and talk to her.”
“You’re the doctor” Ianto threw at him before stalking off in the direction of Jack’s office.
Ianto shut the door behind himself and leaned on it, breathing hard with his eyes screwed tightly shut. He opened them to see the coat stand in the corner and crossed the room in a few rapid strides, taking jack’s greatcoat in his hands and holding it up to his face. He inhaled deeply, immersing himself in the scent of his lover, unable to stop the tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He knew he was losing it. All he wanted was to hold Jack in his arms and beg his forgiveness, but instead his lover was lying dead in the morgue with Gwen bloody Cooper holding vigil over his body and Ianto was left to bury his face in the coat.
Ianto didn’t hear the door open quietly and Tosh come into the room. He didn’t know she was there until she was standing at his elbow saying softly “Ianto? Are you ok?”
Ianto turned and looked at her. It was too late to hide his tears or what he was doing so he just said, rather harshly, “What do you think? Does it look like I’m ok?” he hung the coat up, pulling it down onto the hangar with far more force than necessary.
Tosh reached out to touch his shoulder but Ianto shrugged her off, “Don’t.”
Tosh took a step back, suddenly timid, not quite knowing how to approach her friend in this mood.
“I know you’re hurting Ianto, we all are…”
“You don’t know how I feel!” Ianto snapped at her, then seeing Tosh’s lip begin to quiver as she tried to stay strong he took pity on her and apologised “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.” Ianto went over to the desk and slumped down in Jack’s chair, his hands absently stroking the chair arms as he watched Tosh perch on the edge of the visitor’s chair across from him. Tosh was silent, giving Ianto chance to gather his thoughts and start to talk.
“I betrayed him Tosh. Again.”
“It wasn’t just you. We all betrayed him. It was Owen that shot him.”
“You betrayed a boss, a friend. I betrayed the man I… the man I loved.” Ianto choked back a sob, “I know from what you told me about what happened when you were stuck back in the forties that he didn’t feel the same about me, but that didn’t change how I felt about him!”
“I’m sorry Ianto,” Tosh whispered.
“I told him it did, not that he ever knew that I loved him, but I confronted him the other night after you talked to me. I was furious. I shouted at him, accused him of not caring about me. He made me look and feel like a complete idiot. I thought what we had meant something, but even Owen could see I was just his part time shag.” Ianto clenched his fists “Me and Jack, all we ever did was cheat and lie and fuck and fight.” He swallowed hard a couple of times, trying to keep the bile down as he remembered the way he had spoken to Jack. “I told him I knew all about the real Jack, I asked him why he had taken that man’s identity. I wanted him to explain, but he wouldn’t. He said he couldn’t tell me but I just shouted at him that if he didn’t think he could trust me then why the hell did he take me back. Why did he pretend to like me when he could have just shot me or retconned me. I said surely he couldn’t have been that hard up for someone to fuck that he had to keep me around. I told him that I knew he cheated on me, but I liked to kid myself it was just the odd one night stand here and there, nothing meaningful.” Ianto ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it sharply. “Jack didn’t want to get into a fight. He just shouted at me to get out of his home and not to come back until everyone came back in for work in the morning.”
Ianto put his head in his hands. “He was right not to trust me.”
Tosh reached across and held Ianto’s wrist, trying to prise his hand away from his face, but Ianto wasn’t ready to look at her or face the world just yet. Tosh gave up and let her hand drop “it wasn’t your fault Ianto.” she repeated.
“I was so hurt and mad with him that I wanted to believe Billis’s tricks. Jack begged me to stop Owen, but I said no. I should have listened to Jack. Should have respected him, if not as my partner then as our leader.”
“None of us listened to him Ianto. We all mutinied. Owen fired the bullet, but we were all guilty of killing him.”
“I know!” Ianto sobbed. “I chose to believe what Billis showed me. I chose Lisa over Jack again, even though I knew it couldn’t really be my Lisa. I only did it because I was mad at Jack. I thought if I could get Lisa back we could run away, leave Torchwood and Jack far behind. I wouldn’t have to think about how I felt about him.
“When Owen shot him, the bottom fell out of my world. That’s when I knew without a doubt that I loved him.” Ianto’s shoulders shook with anguished sobs as he remembered falling to his knees beside his captain, the words ‘what have you done?’ spoken to Owen, but really directed at himself.
Ianto pulled himself together. “But he came back. I can’t describe how relieved I was. I didn’t know how it happened, but I had a second chance to make things right.” Ianto raised his head and looked up at Tosh with reddened eyes. She was sitting silently looking at him, biting her lip as silent tears slowly rolled down her own cheeks in sympathy. “Then all hell broke loose,” Ianto continued, “Abbadon was released and Jack died for real.” His tears rolled down his cheeks and plopped onto Jack’s blotter on the desk. “And I never got to say I’m sorry,” he whispered closing his eyes.
He heard the scrape of Tosh’s chair on the floor, and then he felt her arms around his shoulders as she stood behind him, hugging him. He let himself sag into her embrace. “Gwen knew that he would get up after he was shot.” Tosh said trying to reassure the broken man, “She seems to think that he will wake up this time too. Maybe she’s right?”
“Maybe she is.” Ianto replied, somewhat despondently. “I hope she is, but that’s selfish of me. I want him to wake up. God how I want that, but what if he doesn’t want it?” he looked up at Tosh, his eyes big and wide and pleading, wanting her to have the answers that she couldn’t possibly know. “If he really can’t die by any normal means, imagine the life he’s lived. How old is he? How many friends and lovers has he had to watch growing old? Is his immortality tied to the rift in some way? If so maybe a creature from the rift is the only thing that can kill him and end his suffering and who are we to wish to deny him that?” tears slowly rolled down Ianto’s cheeks again as they both contemplated this in silence. Ianto made Tosh jump by suddenly shouting “what right does Gwen fucking Cooper have to sit and hold his hand and beg him to come back?!” He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to get his emotions under control before continuing at a more suitable volume. “What makes her think he will even want to see her, or any of us after what we did? We all treated him so badly. We betrayed him and he still saved us all. We have no right to expect him to want anything more to do with us if he does come back.”
“But we can still hope. Gwen seems convinced he’ll come back, and he cared enough to keep fighting for us, to save us, so maybe he will forgive us?” Tosh said softly, unsure whether she was meant to be reassuring Ianto or herself.
“Maybe.” Ianto agreed, reaching over and turning Jack’s computer monitor on and selecting the CCTV feed from the morgue. He zoomed the image in on Jack’s body, just enough so that Gwen, who was still hovering by his side, was cut from the screen. "I miss him so much." He whispered.
Toshiko kissed the top of Ianto’s head and squeezed his shoulder, then walked slowly away closing the door to the office softly behind her and leaving the young man alone in his private grief.
Author: Timelordshines
Characters: Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato
Rating: 15
Words: 1561
Spoilers: S1E12, S1E13
Disclaimer: Characters and situations belong to RTD and the BBC - I’m just borrowing them.
Written for hc_bingo prompt "Fighting"
Author's Note: As always, comments and criticism are welcome and would help me to improve.
Author's Note 2: Huge thanks to iantojjackh, badly_knitted and tardisjournal for encouraging me to write this companion piece to 'Sit a While Longer' which can be found here: http://timelordshines.livejournal.com/6999.html. Sorry it took me so long to get around to it! Hope it is ok....
“How long’s she going to do this?”
Ianto turned and started at him incredulously. Tosh just shook her head minutely and continued watching the screen showing the CCTV of Gwen pacing around the small morgue where Jack’s cold body lay on the slab ready to be interred for the rest of time.
Owen persisted “Someone needs to go and talk to her.”
“You’re the doctor” Ianto threw at him before stalking off in the direction of Jack’s office.
Ianto shut the door behind himself and leaned on it, breathing hard with his eyes screwed tightly shut. He opened them to see the coat stand in the corner and crossed the room in a few rapid strides, taking jack’s greatcoat in his hands and holding it up to his face. He inhaled deeply, immersing himself in the scent of his lover, unable to stop the tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He knew he was losing it. All he wanted was to hold Jack in his arms and beg his forgiveness, but instead his lover was lying dead in the morgue with Gwen bloody Cooper holding vigil over his body and Ianto was left to bury his face in the coat.
Ianto didn’t hear the door open quietly and Tosh come into the room. He didn’t know she was there until she was standing at his elbow saying softly “Ianto? Are you ok?”
Ianto turned and looked at her. It was too late to hide his tears or what he was doing so he just said, rather harshly, “What do you think? Does it look like I’m ok?” he hung the coat up, pulling it down onto the hangar with far more force than necessary.
Tosh reached out to touch his shoulder but Ianto shrugged her off, “Don’t.”
Tosh took a step back, suddenly timid, not quite knowing how to approach her friend in this mood.
“I know you’re hurting Ianto, we all are…”
“You don’t know how I feel!” Ianto snapped at her, then seeing Tosh’s lip begin to quiver as she tried to stay strong he took pity on her and apologised “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.” Ianto went over to the desk and slumped down in Jack’s chair, his hands absently stroking the chair arms as he watched Tosh perch on the edge of the visitor’s chair across from him. Tosh was silent, giving Ianto chance to gather his thoughts and start to talk.
“I betrayed him Tosh. Again.”
“It wasn’t just you. We all betrayed him. It was Owen that shot him.”
“You betrayed a boss, a friend. I betrayed the man I… the man I loved.” Ianto choked back a sob, “I know from what you told me about what happened when you were stuck back in the forties that he didn’t feel the same about me, but that didn’t change how I felt about him!”
“I’m sorry Ianto,” Tosh whispered.
“I told him it did, not that he ever knew that I loved him, but I confronted him the other night after you talked to me. I was furious. I shouted at him, accused him of not caring about me. He made me look and feel like a complete idiot. I thought what we had meant something, but even Owen could see I was just his part time shag.” Ianto clenched his fists “Me and Jack, all we ever did was cheat and lie and fuck and fight.” He swallowed hard a couple of times, trying to keep the bile down as he remembered the way he had spoken to Jack. “I told him I knew all about the real Jack, I asked him why he had taken that man’s identity. I wanted him to explain, but he wouldn’t. He said he couldn’t tell me but I just shouted at him that if he didn’t think he could trust me then why the hell did he take me back. Why did he pretend to like me when he could have just shot me or retconned me. I said surely he couldn’t have been that hard up for someone to fuck that he had to keep me around. I told him that I knew he cheated on me, but I liked to kid myself it was just the odd one night stand here and there, nothing meaningful.” Ianto ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it sharply. “Jack didn’t want to get into a fight. He just shouted at me to get out of his home and not to come back until everyone came back in for work in the morning.”
Ianto put his head in his hands. “He was right not to trust me.”
Tosh reached across and held Ianto’s wrist, trying to prise his hand away from his face, but Ianto wasn’t ready to look at her or face the world just yet. Tosh gave up and let her hand drop “it wasn’t your fault Ianto.” she repeated.
“I was so hurt and mad with him that I wanted to believe Billis’s tricks. Jack begged me to stop Owen, but I said no. I should have listened to Jack. Should have respected him, if not as my partner then as our leader.”
“None of us listened to him Ianto. We all mutinied. Owen fired the bullet, but we were all guilty of killing him.”
“I know!” Ianto sobbed. “I chose to believe what Billis showed me. I chose Lisa over Jack again, even though I knew it couldn’t really be my Lisa. I only did it because I was mad at Jack. I thought if I could get Lisa back we could run away, leave Torchwood and Jack far behind. I wouldn’t have to think about how I felt about him.
“When Owen shot him, the bottom fell out of my world. That’s when I knew without a doubt that I loved him.” Ianto’s shoulders shook with anguished sobs as he remembered falling to his knees beside his captain, the words ‘what have you done?’ spoken to Owen, but really directed at himself.
Ianto pulled himself together. “But he came back. I can’t describe how relieved I was. I didn’t know how it happened, but I had a second chance to make things right.” Ianto raised his head and looked up at Tosh with reddened eyes. She was sitting silently looking at him, biting her lip as silent tears slowly rolled down her own cheeks in sympathy. “Then all hell broke loose,” Ianto continued, “Abbadon was released and Jack died for real.” His tears rolled down his cheeks and plopped onto Jack’s blotter on the desk. “And I never got to say I’m sorry,” he whispered closing his eyes.
He heard the scrape of Tosh’s chair on the floor, and then he felt her arms around his shoulders as she stood behind him, hugging him. He let himself sag into her embrace. “Gwen knew that he would get up after he was shot.” Tosh said trying to reassure the broken man, “She seems to think that he will wake up this time too. Maybe she’s right?”
“Maybe she is.” Ianto replied, somewhat despondently. “I hope she is, but that’s selfish of me. I want him to wake up. God how I want that, but what if he doesn’t want it?” he looked up at Tosh, his eyes big and wide and pleading, wanting her to have the answers that she couldn’t possibly know. “If he really can’t die by any normal means, imagine the life he’s lived. How old is he? How many friends and lovers has he had to watch growing old? Is his immortality tied to the rift in some way? If so maybe a creature from the rift is the only thing that can kill him and end his suffering and who are we to wish to deny him that?” tears slowly rolled down Ianto’s cheeks again as they both contemplated this in silence. Ianto made Tosh jump by suddenly shouting “what right does Gwen fucking Cooper have to sit and hold his hand and beg him to come back?!” He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to get his emotions under control before continuing at a more suitable volume. “What makes her think he will even want to see her, or any of us after what we did? We all treated him so badly. We betrayed him and he still saved us all. We have no right to expect him to want anything more to do with us if he does come back.”
“But we can still hope. Gwen seems convinced he’ll come back, and he cared enough to keep fighting for us, to save us, so maybe he will forgive us?” Tosh said softly, unsure whether she was meant to be reassuring Ianto or herself.
“Maybe.” Ianto agreed, reaching over and turning Jack’s computer monitor on and selecting the CCTV feed from the morgue. He zoomed the image in on Jack’s body, just enough so that Gwen, who was still hovering by his side, was cut from the screen. "I miss him so much." He whispered.
Toshiko kissed the top of Ianto’s head and squeezed his shoulder, then walked slowly away closing the door to the office softly behind her and leaving the young man alone in his private grief.