The Adventures of Dirtybird and Sapmonster
So, there was some crazy wank yesterday that I honestly can't talk about anymore, because if I do, the absurdity of it will make my brain explode. I'm opting to just forget about it, which I'm sure we all will, anyway, and move on. The love meme certainly helps with that! You guys (and J2) are ♥. But, wait! There's more!
A little while ago, there was this comment thread in one of my entries. In this comment thread, me, dugindeep, and neros_violin somehow ended up coming up with superhero names for ourselves. Don't ask, I don't even know. The names all came from our fic/online habits/comments/whatever. dugindeep was Dirtybird, neros_violin was Sapmonster, and I was the Pornmaster. Which I thought sounded more like a villain's name, so we went with that.
neros_violin then posted a comment fic that went a little something like this:
The Adventures of Dirtybird and Sapmonster, Part I
Things look bad for Jensen and Jared. Jared’s giant forehead, which could normally be used to head butt the bad guys into unconsciousness with even the smallest glancing blow, and Jensen’s meatsword, which would ordinarily bring even the straightest man to his knees in his desire to lick and suck and fuck it, are of no use to them now, as they’re tightly tied to a support beam in the middle of an empty warehouse. Their captors - ten of them, big dudes with shaved heads, overcompensatory guns and bad clothes - won’t come close enough for Jared to utilize his forehead. Jensen’s pants are still on, and he can’t move his hands to unbutton them.
They’ve all but given up hope of rescue when the door slams open with a resounding clang. Two women enter, haloed by light. One blonde, one redhead, wearing jeans and hoodies and white runners. They look like normal girls, but they’re not.
“Dirtybird,” Jared breathes. “Thank god.”
“And Sapmonster!” Jensen exclaims. “But how are two chicks going to rescue us? It’s ten against two!” The bad guys advance toward the superheroes in a menacing semi-circle.
“Jen. It’s Dirtybird and the Sapmonster. They’ll think of something!”
“Quick,” the Sapmonster says, clearing her throat and getting ready for action. “You take the five on the left; I’ve got the ones on the right.”
Dirtybird wastes no time; not only does she do what she does well, she does it quickly. She blurts out pornographic stories that have the bad guys hunched over nursing painful hard-ons while wondering when they started getting turned on by gay sex. But Dirtybird’s powers of filth are so strong that no one can resist. Hell, that thing she’s saying about grape jelly has Jensen making a mental note to try it later with Jared. It might be worth getting a little rust on his meatsword for that kind of orgasm.
Sapmonster is right behind Dirtybird. She brings out the big guns right away. “Chris is the most amazing man in the world. I love him more now than I ever did, and when I look at him, my heart flutters. When I touch him, it’s like the world stands still. When I hear his voice, I smile.” It works; all five men collapse to their knees, and immediately start throwing up all over the concrete floor. Even Jared is feeling a bit nauseous right now, like collateral damage, and he and Jensen are pretty damn sickening themselves - he’s been known to be Mr. Cuddles on Sunday mornings, snuggling Jensen under the covers until he gets out of his grumpy pants and into his… well, no pants at all. But the Sapmonster takes it to another level.
Within minutes, all ten bad guys are incapacitated. Dirtybird and Sapmonster release Jensen and Jared from their bonds, and watch with happy smiles as the boys hug and kiss with relief.
“Who’s behind this?” the Sapmonster wonders.
Jensen and Jared look up, suddenly scared. “It was…” Jensen starts, but can’t seem to finish. He buries his head in Jared’s ridiculously muscled shoulder.
“It was the Pornmaster,” Jared finishes, stroking his hand through Jensen’s overly gelled hair.
Dirtybird and Sapmonster share a startled look, and now it’s their turn to be scared; the Pornmaster is back.
neros_violin is amazing. ♥
I opted to write the second part, and it's taken me this long to do it. Shame on me! But, finally, here it is! :D
The Adventures of Dirtybird and Sapmonster, Part Deux
“Quick!” Sapmonster says, grabbing Dirtybird and gesturing towards the door. “We have to get out of here before the Pornmaster catches us!”
“Too late!” Jared holds Jensen closer, and Jensen visibly tenses, never lifting his head from Jared’s shoulder as a female figure strolls casually into the building. “She’s here!”
Dirtybird and Sapmonster can do nothing but stand and stare, eyes widened in fear, as the Pornmaster walks closer, an evil smirk tugging at her lips, her dark cape billowing around her ankles.
“Hello, boys,” the Pornmaster purrs, her eyes wandering over Jared and Jensen’s bodies appreciatively. She barely spares Dirtybird and Sapmonster a glance from the corner of her eye. “Girls.”
“Stop,” Jensen mutters against Jared’s shoulder. Jared looks down at him, gently cups the back of his head. The Pornmaster raises an eyebrow.
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t come any closer!” Jensen shouts, pushing away from Jared. “Jared! Girls! Look away!” He whirls around and drops his pants, using his powers and showing his incredible meatsword to the Pornmaster. Jared, Dirtybird, and Sapmonster all look away just in time, even if they really don’t want to.
“Jensen, what are you doing??” Jared asks, eyes still averted, his voice full of panic for his lover. “You know she can use your powers against you!”
“Smart guy,” the Pornmaster comments, momentarily distracted by Jensen’s meatsword. She licks her lips and smiles, gaze traveling up to meet Jensen’s eyes. “You should listen to him.”
The others watch, careful to keep their eyes up high, as Jensen’s expression suddenly turns to fear, his head seeming to move without his consent, lowering and looking down at his own assets between his legs.
“Oh, God,” Jensen chokes out, his knees buckling. He drops to the floor, unable to look away from his own meatsword, hand jerking it furiously.
“Leave him alone!” Jared lowers his head, ready to charge the Pornmaster, and she just laughs and holds up a hand.
“You knock me out, and you eliminate the only person who can make Jensen stop.” Jared pauses, glancing at Jensen before looking back at the Pornmaster, and she grins wide. “I can make it last long for him. Too long. I can make him keep going until he dies.”
“You won’t,” Dirtybird cuts in, her eyes narrowed at the Pornmaster, arms crossed over her chest. “You’re bluffing. I know what your game is, Pornmaster. You want to keep Jared and Jensen for yourself, so you can watch them pleasure each other over and over again.”
“That’s why you had them captured.” Sapmonster steps forward, realizing that Dirtybird is right. That’s what the Pornmaster’s plan is. “You see two men as hot and in love as they are, and you want to hold them hostage and reduce them to nothing but horny bastards who will fuck each other’s brains out just for you.” Sapmonster shakes her head. “You’re sick.”
“Or I’m a genius.” The Pornmaster shrugs, all nonchalant, as if they aren’t in the middle of an epic showdown. “Either one.”
“Either way, they’re right,” Jared says, glaring at the Pornmaster and smirking. “You won’t kill him.”
“She’ll do it!” Jensen shouts suddenly, pausing to moan helplessly as he continues jerking himself off. His voice is high and shrill, tinged with fear. “Trust me, I know! She’ll have no problem killing me!” He moans again and doubles over, watching himself thrust into his fist.
“NO!” Jared rushes to Jensen’s side, falls to his knees beside him. He glances at the Pornmaster and then back to Jensen, who won’t - can’t - look at him. “Jensen, come on, you can fight this.”
“I can’t,” Jensen groans, shivering with ecstasy. “It’s too strong. Get outta here,” he whispers, hoping Jared will listen to him. Jared’s too close. It’s not as if Jared hasn’t seen, sucked, jerked, or fucked Jensen’s meatsword before, but that’s when Jensen’s in control of his own powers. He can always stop Jared before things get too out of control, and Jared trusts him enough to do it; trusts him enough to let Jensen’s powers influence him until Jensen gently pulls him off and tucks his meatsword away. But he can’t do that now. Not with the Pornmaster in control. “You can’t…”
Jensen cries out, unable to finish his sentence, and that’s when Jared breaks. The sound tears into his heart, and he loves Jensen too much to let him suffer like this alone. He lets his eyes drop to the meatsword, and all coherent thought ceases. It’s thick, pumping through Jensen’s fist, all red and slick, veins protruding obscenely, and he immediately wrenches Jensen’s hand away and goes down, sucking the meatsword into his mouth.
“That’s even better!” The Pornmaster is chuckling, and she gives Jensen a little more flexibility. His head snaps up to look at her, his tone pleading as he thrusts hard into Jared’s mouth, hands in Jared’s hair.
“Please!” Jared chokes, and Jensen is frantic now. “Please! I don’t wanna hurt him!”
“I love Chris more than anything!” The Sapmonster steps forward in a panic, trying her best to save Jared and Jensen. “He’s the most amazing man in the world! I would be nothing without him!” The Pornmaster raises an eyebrow at the Sapmonster, and she feels her stomach roll.
“Sapmonster!” Dirtybird cries, both alarmed and annoyed. “She can use your powers against you! Have you learned nothing??”
Sapmonster turns to Dirtybird, tears of love rolling down her face. “Chris is…he’s my…he’s my everything!” She falls to her knees, throwing up on the floor of the warehouse, and the Pornmaster turns her gaze to Dirtybird.
“Looks like it’s just you and me, Dirtybird.”
Dirtybird stands, unsure of what to do. She can’t chance the Pornmaster using her own powers against her, like she did with everyone else. Not to mention, any gay porn she could rattle off wouldn’t exactly top Jared sucking Jensen off right there. She doesn’t know what to do, but it’s up to her now to save everyone.
That's right, Dirtybird! The rest is up to you now!
A little while ago, there was this comment thread in one of my entries. In this comment thread, me, dugindeep, and neros_violin somehow ended up coming up with superhero names for ourselves. Don't ask, I don't even know. The names all came from our fic/online habits/comments/whatever. dugindeep was Dirtybird, neros_violin was Sapmonster, and I was the Pornmaster. Which I thought sounded more like a villain's name, so we went with that.
neros_violin then posted a comment fic that went a little something like this:
The Adventures of Dirtybird and Sapmonster, Part I
Things look bad for Jensen and Jared. Jared’s giant forehead, which could normally be used to head butt the bad guys into unconsciousness with even the smallest glancing blow, and Jensen’s meatsword, which would ordinarily bring even the straightest man to his knees in his desire to lick and suck and fuck it, are of no use to them now, as they’re tightly tied to a support beam in the middle of an empty warehouse. Their captors - ten of them, big dudes with shaved heads, overcompensatory guns and bad clothes - won’t come close enough for Jared to utilize his forehead. Jensen’s pants are still on, and he can’t move his hands to unbutton them.
They’ve all but given up hope of rescue when the door slams open with a resounding clang. Two women enter, haloed by light. One blonde, one redhead, wearing jeans and hoodies and white runners. They look like normal girls, but they’re not.
“Dirtybird,” Jared breathes. “Thank god.”
“And Sapmonster!” Jensen exclaims. “But how are two chicks going to rescue us? It’s ten against two!” The bad guys advance toward the superheroes in a menacing semi-circle.
“Jen. It’s Dirtybird and the Sapmonster. They’ll think of something!”
“Quick,” the Sapmonster says, clearing her throat and getting ready for action. “You take the five on the left; I’ve got the ones on the right.”
Dirtybird wastes no time; not only does she do what she does well, she does it quickly. She blurts out pornographic stories that have the bad guys hunched over nursing painful hard-ons while wondering when they started getting turned on by gay sex. But Dirtybird’s powers of filth are so strong that no one can resist. Hell, that thing she’s saying about grape jelly has Jensen making a mental note to try it later with Jared. It might be worth getting a little rust on his meatsword for that kind of orgasm.
Sapmonster is right behind Dirtybird. She brings out the big guns right away. “Chris is the most amazing man in the world. I love him more now than I ever did, and when I look at him, my heart flutters. When I touch him, it’s like the world stands still. When I hear his voice, I smile.” It works; all five men collapse to their knees, and immediately start throwing up all over the concrete floor. Even Jared is feeling a bit nauseous right now, like collateral damage, and he and Jensen are pretty damn sickening themselves - he’s been known to be Mr. Cuddles on Sunday mornings, snuggling Jensen under the covers until he gets out of his grumpy pants and into his… well, no pants at all. But the Sapmonster takes it to another level.
Within minutes, all ten bad guys are incapacitated. Dirtybird and Sapmonster release Jensen and Jared from their bonds, and watch with happy smiles as the boys hug and kiss with relief.
“Who’s behind this?” the Sapmonster wonders.
Jensen and Jared look up, suddenly scared. “It was…” Jensen starts, but can’t seem to finish. He buries his head in Jared’s ridiculously muscled shoulder.
“It was the Pornmaster,” Jared finishes, stroking his hand through Jensen’s overly gelled hair.
Dirtybird and Sapmonster share a startled look, and now it’s their turn to be scared; the Pornmaster is back.
neros_violin is amazing. ♥
I opted to write the second part, and it's taken me this long to do it. Shame on me! But, finally, here it is! :D
The Adventures of Dirtybird and Sapmonster, Part Deux
“Quick!” Sapmonster says, grabbing Dirtybird and gesturing towards the door. “We have to get out of here before the Pornmaster catches us!”
“Too late!” Jared holds Jensen closer, and Jensen visibly tenses, never lifting his head from Jared’s shoulder as a female figure strolls casually into the building. “She’s here!”
Dirtybird and Sapmonster can do nothing but stand and stare, eyes widened in fear, as the Pornmaster walks closer, an evil smirk tugging at her lips, her dark cape billowing around her ankles.
“Hello, boys,” the Pornmaster purrs, her eyes wandering over Jared and Jensen’s bodies appreciatively. She barely spares Dirtybird and Sapmonster a glance from the corner of her eye. “Girls.”
“Stop,” Jensen mutters against Jared’s shoulder. Jared looks down at him, gently cups the back of his head. The Pornmaster raises an eyebrow.
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t come any closer!” Jensen shouts, pushing away from Jared. “Jared! Girls! Look away!” He whirls around and drops his pants, using his powers and showing his incredible meatsword to the Pornmaster. Jared, Dirtybird, and Sapmonster all look away just in time, even if they really don’t want to.
“Jensen, what are you doing??” Jared asks, eyes still averted, his voice full of panic for his lover. “You know she can use your powers against you!”
“Smart guy,” the Pornmaster comments, momentarily distracted by Jensen’s meatsword. She licks her lips and smiles, gaze traveling up to meet Jensen’s eyes. “You should listen to him.”
The others watch, careful to keep their eyes up high, as Jensen’s expression suddenly turns to fear, his head seeming to move without his consent, lowering and looking down at his own assets between his legs.
“Oh, God,” Jensen chokes out, his knees buckling. He drops to the floor, unable to look away from his own meatsword, hand jerking it furiously.
“Leave him alone!” Jared lowers his head, ready to charge the Pornmaster, and she just laughs and holds up a hand.
“You knock me out, and you eliminate the only person who can make Jensen stop.” Jared pauses, glancing at Jensen before looking back at the Pornmaster, and she grins wide. “I can make it last long for him. Too long. I can make him keep going until he dies.”
“You won’t,” Dirtybird cuts in, her eyes narrowed at the Pornmaster, arms crossed over her chest. “You’re bluffing. I know what your game is, Pornmaster. You want to keep Jared and Jensen for yourself, so you can watch them pleasure each other over and over again.”
“That’s why you had them captured.” Sapmonster steps forward, realizing that Dirtybird is right. That’s what the Pornmaster’s plan is. “You see two men as hot and in love as they are, and you want to hold them hostage and reduce them to nothing but horny bastards who will fuck each other’s brains out just for you.” Sapmonster shakes her head. “You’re sick.”
“Or I’m a genius.” The Pornmaster shrugs, all nonchalant, as if they aren’t in the middle of an epic showdown. “Either one.”
“Either way, they’re right,” Jared says, glaring at the Pornmaster and smirking. “You won’t kill him.”
“She’ll do it!” Jensen shouts suddenly, pausing to moan helplessly as he continues jerking himself off. His voice is high and shrill, tinged with fear. “Trust me, I know! She’ll have no problem killing me!” He moans again and doubles over, watching himself thrust into his fist.
“NO!” Jared rushes to Jensen’s side, falls to his knees beside him. He glances at the Pornmaster and then back to Jensen, who won’t - can’t - look at him. “Jensen, come on, you can fight this.”
“I can’t,” Jensen groans, shivering with ecstasy. “It’s too strong. Get outta here,” he whispers, hoping Jared will listen to him. Jared’s too close. It’s not as if Jared hasn’t seen, sucked, jerked, or fucked Jensen’s meatsword before, but that’s when Jensen’s in control of his own powers. He can always stop Jared before things get too out of control, and Jared trusts him enough to do it; trusts him enough to let Jensen’s powers influence him until Jensen gently pulls him off and tucks his meatsword away. But he can’t do that now. Not with the Pornmaster in control. “You can’t…”
Jensen cries out, unable to finish his sentence, and that’s when Jared breaks. The sound tears into his heart, and he loves Jensen too much to let him suffer like this alone. He lets his eyes drop to the meatsword, and all coherent thought ceases. It’s thick, pumping through Jensen’s fist, all red and slick, veins protruding obscenely, and he immediately wrenches Jensen’s hand away and goes down, sucking the meatsword into his mouth.
“That’s even better!” The Pornmaster is chuckling, and she gives Jensen a little more flexibility. His head snaps up to look at her, his tone pleading as he thrusts hard into Jared’s mouth, hands in Jared’s hair.
“Please!” Jared chokes, and Jensen is frantic now. “Please! I don’t wanna hurt him!”
“I love Chris more than anything!” The Sapmonster steps forward in a panic, trying her best to save Jared and Jensen. “He’s the most amazing man in the world! I would be nothing without him!” The Pornmaster raises an eyebrow at the Sapmonster, and she feels her stomach roll.
“Sapmonster!” Dirtybird cries, both alarmed and annoyed. “She can use your powers against you! Have you learned nothing??”
Sapmonster turns to Dirtybird, tears of love rolling down her face. “Chris is…he’s my…he’s my everything!” She falls to her knees, throwing up on the floor of the warehouse, and the Pornmaster turns her gaze to Dirtybird.
“Looks like it’s just you and me, Dirtybird.”
Dirtybird stands, unsure of what to do. She can’t chance the Pornmaster using her own powers against her, like she did with everyone else. Not to mention, any gay porn she could rattle off wouldn’t exactly top Jared sucking Jensen off right there. She doesn’t know what to do, but it’s up to her now to save everyone.
That's right, Dirtybird! The rest is up to you now!