FIC: Five Fates Worse Than Doomsday
Characters: Ten and Rose, with a couple of guest stars.
Rating: T (and a big S for silly)
Spoilers: Set after the end of season two, hence the title.
Summary: Five drabbles that explore the wobbly fictional hinterland of Things That Didn't Happen After Doomsday. An affectionate bout of cliché-tickling, written with tongue firmly in cheek.
* * * * *
1. My Big Fat Romantic Cock-Up
"Rose Tyler," said the Doctor, "I..."
"What, Doctor?" sniffled Rose.
The Doctor seemed to be jabbing furiously at his sonic screwdriver.
"...errr... oops, this message is breaking up. You can't hear me any more, oh dear..."
"I can hear you," said Rose. "What were you going to say?"
"No, you can't, I'm losing the connection... drat, drat, drat..."
Rose stopped looking heartbroken and started to look tetchy in the extreme. "Oh, never mind, you commitment-phobic arsehole," she said, and marched off in search of the alternate version of Brad Pitt, who, as it happily turned out, owned a chip shop.
* * * * *
2. You Cannae Change The Law Of Physics (Except Apparently You Can)
Rose was living in hellish misery when, one day, the Doctor arrived.
"Rose!" he beamed. "I've found a way back!"
"Isn't that scientifically impossible?" she asked.
"No, it was easy-peasy. I just sobbed my way through, using my amazing transdimensional tears of angst. Now let's get married and buy a pony!"
"You're not the Doctor," said Rose sternly. "You look like him but you talk like a caffeine-crazed teenage fic-writer in a Doctor outfit."
"OMG, you guessed!! Errrm, can we go shopping for kittens??"
"No. Go away," said Rose, heading for the pub and suddenly feeling quite a lot better.
* * * * *
3. The Dysfunctional Family Way
When a commando squad teleported into the TARDIS, the Doctor was understandably startled. Especially when they showed him a video.
"Hello!" said Rose from the monitor. "Remember that romantic night on the sunsetty dragon planet? Well, congratulations!"
The screen showed a baby-buggy. More than one, actually. Crikey.
"Decaplets!" announced video-Rose. "All named after you: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Frog-Shagging Bastard Slutboy (that one's a girl). They need supporting somehow."
"And we're the Child Support Agency's Void Patrol," said the Commando-in-Chief, "No money? No problem. Rubber gloves on, lads. Time Lord sperm's worth a fortune...."
* * * * *
4. The Liar, the Snitch and the Wardrobe
"Remember me?" said Rose, wandering into the console room. "Or are you too busy demonstrating the neutron flow of your tongue to this girl?"
"Rose!?!" said the Doctor. "But how...?"
"Interdimensional portal in the Torchwood basement. Leads to the TARDIS wardrobe. Funny, eh?"
"What, that taped-shut door marked Maneating Cockroaches: Keep Out, Martha?" asked Martha.
Rose nodded. Martha gasped. The Doctor blushed.
"And ignore his angst-ridden-lonely-god schtick," added Rose. "The entire Time Lord race are hidden in the laundry basket. It's all a scam to pick up chicks."
"Bugger," said the Doctor.
"Wanker," said Martha.
"Bye!" waved Rose.
* * * * *
5. Reports of the Death of Romance Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
After months of pushing the boundaries of technological advancement, Torchwood had finally discovered it. A stable wormhole between this universe and Rose's own. At last, she could be reunited with the Doctor! True, the wormhole was almost a thousand feet in the air, in a different country, AND only two inches across, but so what?
Yes, compared to the triumph of true love, the embarrassment of explaining to the French police why she was standing up a stepladder on top of the Eiffel Tower with her pants around her ankles shouting "Give it to me, big boy" was extremely minor....
* * * * *
FIN
Rating: T (and a big S for silly)
Spoilers: Set after the end of season two, hence the title.
Summary: Five drabbles that explore the wobbly fictional hinterland of Things That Didn't Happen After Doomsday. An affectionate bout of cliché-tickling, written with tongue firmly in cheek.
* * * * *
1. My Big Fat Romantic Cock-Up
"Rose Tyler," said the Doctor, "I..."
"What, Doctor?" sniffled Rose.
The Doctor seemed to be jabbing furiously at his sonic screwdriver.
"...errr... oops, this message is breaking up. You can't hear me any more, oh dear..."
"I can hear you," said Rose. "What were you going to say?"
"No, you can't, I'm losing the connection... drat, drat, drat..."
Rose stopped looking heartbroken and started to look tetchy in the extreme. "Oh, never mind, you commitment-phobic arsehole," she said, and marched off in search of the alternate version of Brad Pitt, who, as it happily turned out, owned a chip shop.
* * * * *
2. You Cannae Change The Law Of Physics (Except Apparently You Can)
Rose was living in hellish misery when, one day, the Doctor arrived.
"Rose!" he beamed. "I've found a way back!"
"Isn't that scientifically impossible?" she asked.
"No, it was easy-peasy. I just sobbed my way through, using my amazing transdimensional tears of angst. Now let's get married and buy a pony!"
"You're not the Doctor," said Rose sternly. "You look like him but you talk like a caffeine-crazed teenage fic-writer in a Doctor outfit."
"OMG, you guessed!! Errrm, can we go shopping for kittens??"
"No. Go away," said Rose, heading for the pub and suddenly feeling quite a lot better.
* * * * *
3. The Dysfunctional Family Way
When a commando squad teleported into the TARDIS, the Doctor was understandably startled. Especially when they showed him a video.
"Hello!" said Rose from the monitor. "Remember that romantic night on the sunsetty dragon planet? Well, congratulations!"
The screen showed a baby-buggy. More than one, actually. Crikey.
"Decaplets!" announced video-Rose. "All named after you: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, and Frog-Shagging Bastard Slutboy (that one's a girl). They need supporting somehow."
"And we're the Child Support Agency's Void Patrol," said the Commando-in-Chief, "No money? No problem. Rubber gloves on, lads. Time Lord sperm's worth a fortune...."
* * * * *
4. The Liar, the Snitch and the Wardrobe
"Remember me?" said Rose, wandering into the console room. "Or are you too busy demonstrating the neutron flow of your tongue to this girl?"
"Rose!?!" said the Doctor. "But how...?"
"Interdimensional portal in the Torchwood basement. Leads to the TARDIS wardrobe. Funny, eh?"
"What, that taped-shut door marked Maneating Cockroaches: Keep Out, Martha?" asked Martha.
Rose nodded. Martha gasped. The Doctor blushed.
"And ignore his angst-ridden-lonely-god schtick," added Rose. "The entire Time Lord race are hidden in the laundry basket. It's all a scam to pick up chicks."
"Bugger," said the Doctor.
"Wanker," said Martha.
"Bye!" waved Rose.
* * * * *
5. Reports of the Death of Romance Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
After months of pushing the boundaries of technological advancement, Torchwood had finally discovered it. A stable wormhole between this universe and Rose's own. At last, she could be reunited with the Doctor! True, the wormhole was almost a thousand feet in the air, in a different country, AND only two inches across, but so what?
Yes, compared to the triumph of true love, the embarrassment of explaining to the French police why she was standing up a stepladder on top of the Eiffel Tower with her pants around her ankles shouting "Give it to me, big boy" was extremely minor....
* * * * *
FIN