I am...

[tilhelvete]

Getting really exhausted by my lame thoughts. I wish I could think less often about ever finding someone I can seriously relate to in all of my chaos and confusion. I don't even understand myself at all. The hopelessly romantic ideas I entertain... I wish I could do it less. But this directionless longing is such a part of me

Comments

[tinaviel]

Heh, though I realise that whatever might have driven you to write this post is probably more serious than what I'm about to say: this is beautiful, and beautifully written.

Also, I really, really relate to the way you're feeling.

[tilhelvete]

There's not some singular, serious event or incident that drove me to write it. Just a general feeling of loneliness and an inability to relate to people on a meaningful level (and also have them relate to me). I appreciate that you can appreciate and understand it, thank you :)

I'm a little surprised that you identified with it though, maybe because you've been with Eric for so long. I didn't expect you to relate to that kind of emptiness, but I guess that was a little presumptuous of me.

[tinaviel]

Haha, you're not being presumptuous. Though I can say with absolute confidence that his companionship is among the absolute best things in my life, I also have come to pretty firmly believe that since nobody can crawl in your head no matter how close you are with them, there is no way anyone in the world can ever come close to knowing (or matching) you and your thought processes fully -- which can definitely make a person feel lonely and alienated at times. I think that's a pretty integral part of the mindset of any particularly introspective or Romantic individual, though.

[carminalizarin]

Unfortunately, I pretty much know what you mean. It seems to decrease slightly with age... if you are referring to the whole "happiness at the cost of compromise" thing, though, yeah, that sucks.

[tilhelvete]

Not talking about compromising anything. And maybe that is part of why I struggle so much, ha.

[tilhelvete]

Not totally no, seems a pretty remote possibility though.

[tilhelvete]

I've been in two long term (both a little over 1 year) "serious relationships"... but only one of them lived near me and was able to see me on a regular basis etc. anyway, i'm familiar with the differences between initial exciting romance and what follows it (comfort, indifference, blah)... anyway that kind of relationship is very easy to find. it's not like i'm mourning not being able to have that or find it, because i have had it. the real problem is that i never feel as if i'm being understood. i don't think you understood what i was talking about in my post, and maybe it is because you have never felt this way but it's a very specific feeling, when you realize you'll always be alone. not physically, not because i can't find someone "to care" about me, but because no one has been able to relate to me on any important level.