SGA/SG1 fic: "How Not To Eat An Elephant" - PG-13 [Teyla, Vala]
TITLE: How Not To Eat An Elephant
SUMMARY: In which Teyla and Vala play 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' and Cam muses on the wisdom of biting things that bite back.
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: action-adventure, drama, gen, friendship(-ish)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, making no money, blah blah.
NOTES: For the
femgenficathon (just squeaked in under the wire!) The title comes from the old joke: Q - How do you eat an elephant? A - One bite at a time! And, uh, yeah, anyone taking on Teyla and Vala at once would definitely be eating the elephant whole. Not recommended!
How Not To Eat An Elephant
Teyla has just raised the teacup to her lips with a smile she does not feel when there is shouting outside - the sound of fearful and anxious voices. The Sufa's unctious expression draws down into a frown and he gestures at the guards with one heavy, beringed hand. "Go and see."
As the first guard reaches the doorway there is a noise like the discharge of a large portion of numbing energy into a human body. His collapse is unceremonious, and his partner receives the treatment and is also prone within moments.
By now the Sufa has risen from his chair, as has Teyla, reaching for a weapon that she does not have. She came here unarmed and is now without firepower.
Then Vala steps over the bodies of the guards and into the room, dragging a silk-clad and bejewelled young woman with her.
"Avirr!"
"Father!"
Teyla glares at Vala. "Did I not say that I would deal with this in the appropriate channels?"
"And where are those getting you?" Vala tosses her head and points the stunner at the Sufa's daughter.
"We are making agreements," Teyla says, allowing frustration to enter her voice. "In good faith which you have broken."
"You know this woman?"
"We have mutual friends. The same for which I was negotiating freedom's price."
"I got tired of waiting. Besides," Vala said, waving the stunner in the air, "why give up things we don't really want to give up, when we can do a prisoner exchange instead! Your daughter for our team-mates."
The Sufi spreads his hands, apparently horrified. "Six stalwart warriors in exchange for one girl? Surely you jest?"
Vala tilts her head, frowning at Teyla. "Six stalwart warriors? Are we sure he's got the right people?"
Exasperation mingled with amusement is a common feeling when dealing with Vala. Teyla turns to the Sufa. "I apologise. My companion has a more...varied past than my own."
"So I see? And you cannot talk her down?" A cunning look enters his eye. "Or perhaps..." He draws the weapon fast, but she is faster - and stronger.
Still, she takes the weapon from him gently. "I do not wish you harm, Sufa. But I do not suffer myself to be threatened, neither. I negotiated in good faith; her chosen actions are not mine. And she does not value me as she values our friends."
"All right. I'm getting bored here. And your daughter's an effort to drag around. And my guys are still hanging around in your prison. So," Vala says her voice jaunty, although her eyes are a cold sapphire, "we can do this the nasty way or we can do this the nice way. What's it going to be, Sufa?"
--
She makes Vala remain in the 'jumper while the prisoner exchange takes place.
"I'm sorry about father," Avirr says, glancing over at Teyla, the sun sheening gold in the rich black depths of her hair. "He's just so suspicious these days - ever since my cousin-- Well. I'm glad I could help you get your friends back safe."
Teyla thinks it would be inappropriate to point out that the guys of her team and SG1 are not 'back safe' yet. The young woman believes in her father, but Teyla has seen the shrewdness in his eyes and would not swear to the Sufa's willingness to exchange his possibly lucrative prisoners - even for his beloved daughter and a small portion of the medical supplies he wished from Atlantis and would have extorted.
She has the stunner, she has also tied Avirr's hands together with the plastic zip-tie straps, to give at least the appearance of imprisonment. And so they wait in an empty field, the cropped stubble of the recent harvest flattened by rain and wind.
It is not long before the rescued party makes its way up the slight slope to the harvest plateau. Teyla watches for any sign of treachery, but there are only two guards and given that neither has stayed out of reach of either Ronon or Teal'c, they can be dealt with if the situation becomes troubled.
And there is always Vala should things turn very bad.
"Halt where you are," she calls to the guards when they reach the appropriate point.
"We come from the Sufa of Albini to exchange these for his daughter. They are unharmed, as you see."
Teyla looks at John, brows raised in query.
"We're okay," he says. "A bit cold and grumpy--"
"They nearly poisoned me!"
"But all alive and in good health." John does not even turn to look at Rodney during the interjection.
"Uh, where's Vala?" Dr. Jackson looks more than a little concerned.
"She is safe. Watching us," Teyla says for the benefit of the guards. "Now we will do this simply - you will move over there," she indicates where they should go, "and I will stand here. I will step away from the Lady Avir and the medicines, you will step away from my friends, and we shall circle in opposing directions until we reach our people. Then you will leave and so will we."
"This is not good diplomacy, Lady Teyla!"
"It is what happens when good diplomacy breaks down," she says. "Your Sufa might take this as a lesson - do not bite off what you cannot chew."
"And especially don't bite what's gonna bite you back," she hears Colonel Mitchell mutter.
Teyla quietly thanks the girl, then starts the circling step that will bring her around to her team-mates and Vala's team-mates. The guards have their hands on their weapons, undrawn, so does Teyla. She can feel the impatience and wariness of the guys as she edges closer. "The 'jumper ramp begins where the two rocks are laid out," she tells them as she draws closer.
And then she is beside them, and the guards are beside Avirr, and she and the men take a step backwards and vanish from sight one by one, even as the guards gape.
Vala is waiting in the cargo hold, a knife out to cut their cords.
"Did you really need to do all that talking? I could have just stunned them and the girl, we take the medicines and get the guys out."
"That is the part where we act in good faith."
"They didn't!"
"But we are not them."
And Teyla is not Vala. Vala is, at heart, a thief, who takes once and then is gone. It has a certain charm to it, perhaps. But Teyla is a trader, who must return with the seasons to trade and trade again, and if she sows salt in her fields they will not yield a crop the next year.
"If it's all the same, ladies and gentlemen," says Colonel Mitchell, guiding them into the seats, "I think we should get out of here."
"Everyone got their seatbelts fastened?"
"We have seatbelts?" Ronon asks, gripping the door lintel between the cargo bay and the main cabin.
"So," Dr. Jackson says to Vala, "Do I even want to know how you kidnapped the Sufa's daughter?"
Vala smirks and opens her mouth.
"She did not," Teal'c says with deep gravity. "The daughter offered herself up as a hostage."
Teyla is impressed - and not a little amused as Vala visibly deflates. "How did you know?"
"She did not hold herself as a prisoner does. It was in her stance; Teyla was not her captor." Teal'c's answer is steady and unhurried, firm in his understanding. And the dark eyes beneath his brows are knowing, amused, and appreciative as he bows his head a little, braids swinging down by his cheeks.
"So, if the girl offered to play hostage then--" Rodney jerks up, looks at Teyla with dawning realisation. "You played good cop, bad cop with the Sufa?"
"It was a necessary part of negotiations. He would have been extortionate in his demands otherwise."
"He was pretty extortionate in his demands anyway," Vala says with a huff. "I wasn't going to hand all that over in exchange for you guys."
Teyla would have handed it all over if it had been necessary. But it had been far from necessary - even before Vala sweetened the pot with the lady Avirr.
Ronon guffaws. "Good to know you value us!"
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm glad we got out of there," Colonel Mitchell declares. "And, considering what else Vala could have done to get us out..."
The guys in the 'jumper think about that for a moment, then: "Thank you!" "Thanks." "Good work." "Well-rescued." "Nicely done."
Rodney is still struggling with the idea, though. "You really did the good cop, bad cop routine?"
She does not know why it is so notable. "Yes."
"You never play good cop, bad cop with us," says John from the pilot seat. His tone is a teasing variant that mocks Rodney's disbelief.
Teyla arches an inquiring brow at Rodney. "Would you like us to play good cop, bad cop with you sometime, then?"
"No," says Rodney, quickly.
"No," echoes Dr. Jackson, a little too loud in the main cabin confines as the 'jumper swoops up to the gate.
"Hell, no," adds Colonel Mitchell, although there's a grin on his lips as he glances at Teyla. "No offence."
Teyla smirks.
"Wusses," Vala mutters as they go through.
- fin -
SUMMARY: In which Teyla and Vala play 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' and Cam muses on the wisdom of biting things that bite back.
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: action-adventure, drama, gen, friendship(-ish)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, making no money, blah blah.
NOTES: For the
femgenficathon (just squeaked in under the wire!) The title comes from the old joke: Q - How do you eat an elephant? A - One bite at a time! And, uh, yeah, anyone taking on Teyla and Vala at once would definitely be eating the elephant whole. Not recommended!
How Not To Eat An Elephant
Teyla has just raised the teacup to her lips with a smile she does not feel when there is shouting outside - the sound of fearful and anxious voices. The Sufa's unctious expression draws down into a frown and he gestures at the guards with one heavy, beringed hand. "Go and see."
As the first guard reaches the doorway there is a noise like the discharge of a large portion of numbing energy into a human body. His collapse is unceremonious, and his partner receives the treatment and is also prone within moments.
By now the Sufa has risen from his chair, as has Teyla, reaching for a weapon that she does not have. She came here unarmed and is now without firepower.
Then Vala steps over the bodies of the guards and into the room, dragging a silk-clad and bejewelled young woman with her.
"Avirr!"
"Father!"
Teyla glares at Vala. "Did I not say that I would deal with this in the appropriate channels?"
"And where are those getting you?" Vala tosses her head and points the stunner at the Sufa's daughter.
"We are making agreements," Teyla says, allowing frustration to enter her voice. "In good faith which you have broken."
"You know this woman?"
"We have mutual friends. The same for which I was negotiating freedom's price."
"I got tired of waiting. Besides," Vala said, waving the stunner in the air, "why give up things we don't really want to give up, when we can do a prisoner exchange instead! Your daughter for our team-mates."
The Sufi spreads his hands, apparently horrified. "Six stalwart warriors in exchange for one girl? Surely you jest?"
Vala tilts her head, frowning at Teyla. "Six stalwart warriors? Are we sure he's got the right people?"
Exasperation mingled with amusement is a common feeling when dealing with Vala. Teyla turns to the Sufa. "I apologise. My companion has a more...varied past than my own."
"So I see? And you cannot talk her down?" A cunning look enters his eye. "Or perhaps..." He draws the weapon fast, but she is faster - and stronger.
Still, she takes the weapon from him gently. "I do not wish you harm, Sufa. But I do not suffer myself to be threatened, neither. I negotiated in good faith; her chosen actions are not mine. And she does not value me as she values our friends."
"All right. I'm getting bored here. And your daughter's an effort to drag around. And my guys are still hanging around in your prison. So," Vala says her voice jaunty, although her eyes are a cold sapphire, "we can do this the nasty way or we can do this the nice way. What's it going to be, Sufa?"
--
She makes Vala remain in the 'jumper while the prisoner exchange takes place.
"I'm sorry about father," Avirr says, glancing over at Teyla, the sun sheening gold in the rich black depths of her hair. "He's just so suspicious these days - ever since my cousin-- Well. I'm glad I could help you get your friends back safe."
Teyla thinks it would be inappropriate to point out that the guys of her team and SG1 are not 'back safe' yet. The young woman believes in her father, but Teyla has seen the shrewdness in his eyes and would not swear to the Sufa's willingness to exchange his possibly lucrative prisoners - even for his beloved daughter and a small portion of the medical supplies he wished from Atlantis and would have extorted.
She has the stunner, she has also tied Avirr's hands together with the plastic zip-tie straps, to give at least the appearance of imprisonment. And so they wait in an empty field, the cropped stubble of the recent harvest flattened by rain and wind.
It is not long before the rescued party makes its way up the slight slope to the harvest plateau. Teyla watches for any sign of treachery, but there are only two guards and given that neither has stayed out of reach of either Ronon or Teal'c, they can be dealt with if the situation becomes troubled.
And there is always Vala should things turn very bad.
"Halt where you are," she calls to the guards when they reach the appropriate point.
"We come from the Sufa of Albini to exchange these for his daughter. They are unharmed, as you see."
Teyla looks at John, brows raised in query.
"We're okay," he says. "A bit cold and grumpy--"
"They nearly poisoned me!"
"But all alive and in good health." John does not even turn to look at Rodney during the interjection.
"Uh, where's Vala?" Dr. Jackson looks more than a little concerned.
"She is safe. Watching us," Teyla says for the benefit of the guards. "Now we will do this simply - you will move over there," she indicates where they should go, "and I will stand here. I will step away from the Lady Avir and the medicines, you will step away from my friends, and we shall circle in opposing directions until we reach our people. Then you will leave and so will we."
"This is not good diplomacy, Lady Teyla!"
"It is what happens when good diplomacy breaks down," she says. "Your Sufa might take this as a lesson - do not bite off what you cannot chew."
"And especially don't bite what's gonna bite you back," she hears Colonel Mitchell mutter.
Teyla quietly thanks the girl, then starts the circling step that will bring her around to her team-mates and Vala's team-mates. The guards have their hands on their weapons, undrawn, so does Teyla. She can feel the impatience and wariness of the guys as she edges closer. "The 'jumper ramp begins where the two rocks are laid out," she tells them as she draws closer.
And then she is beside them, and the guards are beside Avirr, and she and the men take a step backwards and vanish from sight one by one, even as the guards gape.
Vala is waiting in the cargo hold, a knife out to cut their cords.
"Did you really need to do all that talking? I could have just stunned them and the girl, we take the medicines and get the guys out."
"That is the part where we act in good faith."
"They didn't!"
"But we are not them."
And Teyla is not Vala. Vala is, at heart, a thief, who takes once and then is gone. It has a certain charm to it, perhaps. But Teyla is a trader, who must return with the seasons to trade and trade again, and if she sows salt in her fields they will not yield a crop the next year.
"If it's all the same, ladies and gentlemen," says Colonel Mitchell, guiding them into the seats, "I think we should get out of here."
"Everyone got their seatbelts fastened?"
"We have seatbelts?" Ronon asks, gripping the door lintel between the cargo bay and the main cabin.
"So," Dr. Jackson says to Vala, "Do I even want to know how you kidnapped the Sufa's daughter?"
Vala smirks and opens her mouth.
"She did not," Teal'c says with deep gravity. "The daughter offered herself up as a hostage."
Teyla is impressed - and not a little amused as Vala visibly deflates. "How did you know?"
"She did not hold herself as a prisoner does. It was in her stance; Teyla was not her captor." Teal'c's answer is steady and unhurried, firm in his understanding. And the dark eyes beneath his brows are knowing, amused, and appreciative as he bows his head a little, braids swinging down by his cheeks.
"So, if the girl offered to play hostage then--" Rodney jerks up, looks at Teyla with dawning realisation. "You played good cop, bad cop with the Sufa?"
"It was a necessary part of negotiations. He would have been extortionate in his demands otherwise."
"He was pretty extortionate in his demands anyway," Vala says with a huff. "I wasn't going to hand all that over in exchange for you guys."
Teyla would have handed it all over if it had been necessary. But it had been far from necessary - even before Vala sweetened the pot with the lady Avirr.
Ronon guffaws. "Good to know you value us!"
"Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm glad we got out of there," Colonel Mitchell declares. "And, considering what else Vala could have done to get us out..."
The guys in the 'jumper think about that for a moment, then: "Thank you!" "Thanks." "Good work." "Well-rescued." "Nicely done."
Rodney is still struggling with the idea, though. "You really did the good cop, bad cop routine?"
She does not know why it is so notable. "Yes."
"You never play good cop, bad cop with us," says John from the pilot seat. His tone is a teasing variant that mocks Rodney's disbelief.
Teyla arches an inquiring brow at Rodney. "Would you like us to play good cop, bad cop with you sometime, then?"
"No," says Rodney, quickly.
"No," echoes Dr. Jackson, a little too loud in the main cabin confines as the 'jumper swoops up to the gate.
"Hell, no," adds Colonel Mitchell, although there's a grin on his lips as he glances at Teyla. "No offence."
Teyla smirks.
"Wusses," Vala mutters as they go through.
- fin -