( ATTN: KROPMORK DIPLOMATS )

[At first, there is just static. The sound spikes and scratches before stabilizing. Throughout the message, it can still be heard, again spiking at random intervals and interrupting the message.]

H-Hello? [The voice is that of a little girl. She can't be any older than seven years old] Is...is anybody out there?

[Static]Please, you have to come ( Read more... )

[There's a sniffle over the network followed by a loud honking noise. Who is this distraught stranger? Why, it's Mr. Caulcher, their latest passenger!]Oh, it's terrible, just terrible! My Erealian candleabra, my gilded goose, my self perpetuating egg beater...they're gone, all gone! I checked on them just five minutes ago and they were sitting ( Read more... )

Having fun at the festival, darlings? Enjoying those pretty little flowers? Take it in while you can - playtime's over. This is Arlechinno speaking, and our fearless leaders thinks its time for us to all have a little get-together.

[There's a faint crackle of static, before a low, weary voice comes over the network.]You all disgust me. You bourgeoisie clockworks scramble and flitter around your fallen lord while the villagers starve in the fields. Aid, you say? I spit on your aid. Your help is nothing more than crusts of stale bread and rotted vegetables, meant to mollify the ( Read more... )

She’s goooooone!

H-help! Please, somebody help me! My darling, my baby, my little girl - my poor Lydia has been kidnapped! Hurry, you have to get her back to me, she’s only five years old…! She gets so scared without me! I shudder to think of what awful things she must be going through in the hands of those brigands…!

[sobbing sounds as the ( Read more... )

[All voices are easily discernible despite the scrambling, although this may be because the speaker is shouting very loudly.]REDBEARD HERE ( Read more... )

[Encrypted channel]

[A man's voice comes on. Only one side of the conversation can be heard.What? A herd of cheagles you said? How many ( Read more... )

Whaaaat? Intruders?! How the devil did they find us?! My castle is invincible!

Destroy them! DESTROY THEM!

....and move the prisoners to the Machine. Quick, Sniffy! On the double! I don't want there to be anything left for their friends to find!

And when I find the traitor that led them here.....! Death will be a mercy compared to the ( Read more... )

[angry, impatient -- and hushed, like he's afraid of being overheard]

How hard is it to find a giant castle?!

Listen. We'd have to go southwest to get to the closest town, and over a mountain range to get to a river. No mountains between us and the town.

Rrrgh!

[sound of something hard and metallic hitting stone]

What else do you need to ( Read more... )