DEAR LORENA (By Lorena Johnson, syndicated in the Bellcius Herald, and on the Journal network)
Hello, fair readers! My, it certainly has been a long time since I write one of my columns! I know the doctor suggested a sabbatical (I don't know what the man was on about, my blood pressure is fine), but it seems like such a long time since I did one of these that I'm only going to answer one question today, just to ease myself in. And here it is:
Yo,
I think I'm in trouble. I'm not they type to get attached--it's too fucking dangerous for me. For years, I was doing good. Then I join this ship and start having sex with one of the girls on the crew. She's not likely to attached either.
Well, something happened and I think I'm, I don't know, falling in love or something. Given my background, her background, and who we are, this isn't good. Any advice?
---Worried Phoenix
Well now.
Firstly, the manner of your speech is absolutely atrocious! 'Yo' is in no way a proper greeting! Any letter should begin with a proper greeting, selected as appropriate for the situation. And as for your...colorful language, I hope your mother cannot see that. She would faint of shock, I expect! If you were one of my children or grandchildren I would wash your mouth out with soap!
As for your problem...break up with the hussy! Immediately! Honestly, the children of this generation. So irresponsible! Carnal union? Before marriage? I expect she makes you do it in all sorts of heathen positions. Your soul will rot away and you'll burn in hell alongside all the other sinners unless you break this off immediately and remain chaste, at least until marriage! Shame on you, and shame on your harlot!
As always, you can send me your questions by mail at the following address:
Dear Lorena
c/o the Bellcius Herald
PO Box 506
Bellcius, Ivona, 61858
We now also accept questions by journal!
Yo,
I think I'm in trouble. I'm not they type to get attached--it's too fucking dangerous for me. For years, I was doing good. Then I join this ship and start having sex with one of the girls on the crew. She's not likely to attached either.
Well, something happened and I think I'm, I don't know, falling in love or something. Given my background, her background, and who we are, this isn't good. Any advice?
---Worried Phoenix
Well now.
Firstly, the manner of your speech is absolutely atrocious! 'Yo' is in no way a proper greeting! Any letter should begin with a proper greeting, selected as appropriate for the situation. And as for your...colorful language, I hope your mother cannot see that. She would faint of shock, I expect! If you were one of my children or grandchildren I would wash your mouth out with soap!
As for your problem...break up with the hussy! Immediately! Honestly, the children of this generation. So irresponsible! Carnal union? Before marriage? I expect she makes you do it in all sorts of heathen positions. Your soul will rot away and you'll burn in hell alongside all the other sinners unless you break this off immediately and remain chaste, at least until marriage! Shame on you, and shame on your harlot!
As always, you can send me your questions by mail at the following address:
Dear Lorena
c/o the Bellcius Herald
PO Box 506
Bellcius, Ivona, 61858
We now also accept questions by journal!