Comments | theun4givables: LJ Idol Season 9, Week 24: The Cupertino Effect

theun4givables

LJ Idol Season 9, Week 24: The Cupertino Effect

Oct 09, 2014 15:13

It starts early -- so early, you’re not sure you can place when it started. You internalize. Accept. Obey. Repeat.

And repeat.

And repeat.

And repeat.

( You repeat until you're stuck, sitting at home with a wailing three year old who can't tell you what it is that he needs. )

literary nonfiction, trigger: domestic abuse, lji: season 9, trigger: mental illness, trigger: language, trigger: suicide, rating: r, personal

Comments 49

ms_hecubus October 9 2014, 21:21:25 UTC

Have I ever mentioned that I think Ev's an ass?

theun4givables October 9 2014, 21:59:33 UTC

Ahahaha, I think several times.

The hilarious part is as I was sending Sarah bits and pieces of this as I was writing it, she often was like, "God, have I mentioned that Ev's an ass?" and "Bitch."

So you're definitely not alone in this. :)

redqueenofevil October 10 2014, 01:51:07 UTC

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hugs.

theun4givables October 10 2014, 03:25:03 UTC

*hugs back*

They're experiences I guess I needed to have. The timeline of this piece starts in like July 2012, moves forward to May 31 - June 7th 2013, July 2013, and August 2013.

The last section was the moment I started to really get how little I actually meant to her. I needed that last push to want nothing more than a coparenting relationship. I'm just mad that it took me that long.

redqueenofevil October 10 2014, 06:06:18 UTC

Everyone comes to in their own time. Don't be too hard on yourself. At least you were able to get out and begin the healing process.

theun4givables October 10 2014, 11:58:31 UTC

Oh, I know. But I guess the thing is, I've always question whether she was abusive or not. I'd scour those lists of signs and check off enough of them that I'd want to broach the subject to her.

And then eventually she convinced me it was me perpetuating those checkmarks. Sigh.

anyonesghost October 10 2014, 12:14:50 UTC

Overwhelming just to read, so I can imagine what it was like to write. Am glad the "living it" part of this piece is over, to be sure!

theun4givables October 10 2014, 12:41:26 UTC

Parts of this were harder than others -- section 2, section 4 (towards the end, when I tell Dr. A someone's expecting me), the end of section 5. There's the realization that the human mind will cling to whatever excuse to live -- and that mine always was tied to someone else -- wasn't really a connection I made until I wrote this. First it was Evelyn. Then it was Bob -- and even to a small extent, Dr. A and Joe and not having them worry about me.

I am so glad the living it part has been over for a few months, now. To say that my mood has improved a thousand times over just by no longer living with her would be an understatement.

jem0000000 October 11 2014, 01:36:51 UTC

*hugs*

theun4givables October 11 2014, 13:22:02 UTC

*hugs back*

gratefuladdict October 11 2014, 04:44:45 UTC

I'm so glad you've come through this to the other side. *hugs*

theun4givables October 11 2014, 13:22:18 UTC

Thanks. Me, too. *hugs back*