Mod's Challenge: Emella's Challenge: Girl!Xander
Title: Mangled Spells and Manly Bits
Author: LitGal
Category: Emella's Challenge: Girl!Xander
Rating: R
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Summary: Willow's love spell for Spike goes horribly, horribly wrong, and Xander finds himself paying the price.
Warning: psuedo-het
For all those who didn't think this fic ended well, go to Bloodclaim for the WIP sequel: Mangled Spells and Girly Bits
NOTICE
Hey, I love it when people go back and read my finished stories, but this isn't the newest version of my story. I often go back and do either major revisions or editing for grammar and spelling when I'm finished, and I don't go back and revise the LiveJournal pages.
So, if you want to read the newest draft, go to my webpage at
http://litgal.vague-disclaimer.org/ficpage.htm
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* * * *
Xander woke with a dull thudding in his brain, and he lay in bed trying to organize his thoughts. Not an easy task on any day, but he seemed even more muddled today. Date with Cordie, check. Finding Willow, check. Spike. Shit.
Xander cracked his eyes open and groaned at the sight of Spike looming over Willow who sat cross legged on the floor.
“Hurry up,” Spike directed a demand toward Willow, and Xander did his best to slide off the ruined bed silently, which actually involved him getting tangled in the remains of the sheet and falling to the floor with a heavy thud.
“The moron’s joined us then, get on with it witch.”
“Hey, not a moron, and why’s my head hurt?”
“Oh, that would be the microscope Spike hit you with,” Willow offered from her place on the floor and now that Spike had moved, Xander could see candles set out in a circle with a small pot suspended over a large candle.
“Yep, I appear to have a microscope shaped bump, which really doesn’t explain what we’re doing here.”
“Willow’s here ta finish my spell, you’re here ta make sure she does it up right. I find that the right incentive makes for happy workers.” Xander tried to scramble backwards as Spike stalked over to him and reached down to grab a handful of hair. Xander tried pulling back, but the feeling of having his scalp ripped off convinced him to scramble after Spike as the vampire dragged him closer to Willow.
“Xander!” She yelled and started to get up.
“Oi, ya finish your work or I’ll rip his face off,” Spiked hissed and Xander found himself on his knees with Spike’s fist holding him in place. He would have replied with some really witty comeback, but he couldn’t really think at all what with the panicking and the imminent death. Not that his brain normally worked all that well without panicking and imminent death. Eighteen and still in high school didn't speak all that well for the function of his brain.
“I’m working!” Willow fairly shrieked. “See me, working here with the magic and the candles and the feathers.” Willow returned to the small pot, dropping in a yellow feather as she stirred.
“Willow-” He wanted to protest Willow’s cooperation, to tell her to run for it, to leave him behind, but when the fist tightened, he found the pain really kind of short-circuited all other thoughts. Instead he got a front row seat for Willow’s spell just as it exploded with enough force to blast him out of Spike’s grasp and against the wall.
Xander’s next thought included a request to the universe that he not get knocked unconscious again for at least a week. He didn’t think that his brain could take that much more rattling around. Strands of something lay over his face, and he pushed at it, simultaneously groaning at the pain and spitting the silky threads out of his mouth.
“Bloody hell,” he heard a voice complain. Great, the vampire survived; the universe must really hate him. “Did it work, witch?” Spike demanded. Xander knew that either answer would end in murder since ‘yes’ meant Spike didn’t need them and ‘no’ meant Willow’d failed. He struggled to sit up so that he could at least face death upright.
“I don’t know. It should have turned blue, but then it shouldn’t have exploded either.”
“Oi, ya bloody nit. I warned ya.” Oh yeah, and now came the killing part, and he couldn’t do anything about it. Well he could at least die the way he’d lived: saying something utterly stupid.
“Pick on someone your own size, Bloodbreath.” Xander noticed how strange his voice sounded at the same time that he noticed the stunned expressions on the two faces turned to him.
“What?” he asked.
“Oh my god, Xander, I’m so sorry. I’ll fix it, really.” Willow babbled with wide eyes.
“Fix what?” Xander struggled to stand, and he found his body strangely uncooperative, off-balance and weak-kneed. He pulled at his pants which had become too loose and fought his way up. Once he stood, Spike started walking toward him with his game face cocked to one side in confusion. “What are you looking at?” he demanded.
“You, mate. Witch’s spell seems ta have done some redecoratin’.” Xander was about to ask what Spike meant when the vampire reached him, and Xander found himself looking slightly up to meet Spike’s eye. What the hell? He looked down to see if he was standing in a hole, but the sight of two breasts temporarily distracted him from any examination of the floor.
“Guh…ah…wha,” Xander lost all words and didn’t even fight when a hand pulled him away from the wall and toward a large mirror hidden in the corner.
Xander looked in and nearly fainted at the sight of a woman: a dark haired woman with long, thick curly hair and large brown eyes. The face had soft curves with a sort of girl-next-door look, and the body just had curves on curves. The kind of curves that Xander would have lusted after if it weren’t a mirror; as it was the freaking kind of outweighed the lusting. Xander stared at the image and then moved his hand, watching in fascination as the reflection matched his moves.
“That shouldn’t have happened. The spell is just a love spell, you know, to bring love back into your life type spell.” Willow’s concerned face now appeared in the mirror. “I told you I was new at this,” she whispered an apology.
“Love spell?” he squeaked, and his voice had definitely taken on girly tones.
“You know, for Spike.” She nodded knowingly.
“You want to fall in love with Spike?” Xander knew he had missed something while unconscious, but how long had he been out, anyway?
“Goddess, no,” Willow glanced to the side at a figure not reflected in the glass even as Xander moved to touch his own body, his waist, his thigh, his face. He was avoiding other areas in the hope that this would turn out to be some trauma induced nightmare. “The spell was supposed to bring Dru back; she left him for a chaos demon.”
“I’m a girl,” Xander whispered to the figure in the mirror. “Oh my god someone just shoot me now, I’m a girl.”
“It’s not that bad,” Willow said, and suddenly Xander noticed the small twitches at her mouth. He spun around and nearly fell on his ass as he grabbed for something to keep from falling. Great, he grabbed the vampire. Spike seemed surprised, but the vampire simply reached out and held his arm until he found his balanced and pulled his pants up again. He turned his best angry glare to Willow.
“Are you giggling? There will be no giggling. This is so not the funny. ”
“It bloody well is, ‘cept that means ya bollocked up my spell, witch.” Xander turned to see Spike openly smiling and giving him a look that Xander recognized from the many times he’d seen it at the Bronze. That was a ‘hey, not bad’ kinda look, and oh shit this was so not of the good.
“No, no bollocking here. It’s probably just old skink root. I can fix this.” Willow insisted with a far more serious expression now.
“Well you’d better,” Xander demanded, dismayed at the girly tones and slight whine in his own voice.
“Yeah, what she said,” Spike added with a smirk and special emphasis on the word ‘she’.
“Don’t start. I will so stake you,” Xander growled back.
“With what? Ya appear ta have lost your stake there.” Spike backed off several feet and leaned back against the wall, still smiling and leering.
“Is that a genitals joke? There will be no joking about my genitals!”
“No, this is not funny, we’re not laughing,” Willow insisted with a dirty look at Spike who simply continued with the leering. “I just need a few ingredients and then I’ll undo this spell and finish the love spell and bake a lot of cookies,” Willow promised.
“This is way more than cookies type mad. Brownies won’t even cover this. I’m not sure there’s enough chocolate in the world to make this okay.”
“Besides, a girl’s got ta watch her figure,” Spike laughingly added from his side of the room. Xander just glared.
“I’ll make a list of ingredients I need,” Willow continued with a frown. “Maybe I should ask Giles about the spell ‘cause I’m really not sure why that happened. Definitely going to need a couple of spell books.”
“I don’t care what you need or who you talk to, just fix it,” Xander demanded shrilly before walking over to the ruined bed and sinking down, burying his face in his hands. “The universe hates me; it’s the only explanation.”
“Either that or the witch does,” Spike agreed, and Xander didn’t even bother looking up. “If you need ta go out, I’m not goin’ ta have the slayer chargin’ back here, so we’re goin’ ta make an agreement.” Spike was obviously talking to Willow, so Xander simply sat and listened, well that and secretly stared at his breasts. He had to admit that they were a nice pair, large and perfectly rounded, and oh god he needed help, serious professional help.
“I’m taking the bint with me. I’ll keep in touch with ya, and in two days and you’ll either agree to meet and finish this spell, or you’ll never see her again.” Xander raised his head to protest Spike’s threat against Willow, but the minute he opened his mouth, he realized that the “her” in question was him. Shit.
“Two days, but I don’t know if I can get all the materials. And the research, there’s going to be lots of research on why this went so wrong, and I’m not sure Giles is even going to be finished yelling at me by then,” Willow argued.
“Two days, witch. After that, I start lookin’ for a new witch ta cast a spell and you start lookin’ for a new best friend.” Xander felt a cool hand pull him up, and he scrambled when he felt his pants start to slide over his hips.
“Uh, can’t we make some sort of agreement?” he asked even as Spike pulled him up the stairs and Willow watched helplessly as she twisted her hands together. “Hey, maybe you let us go and we won’t have Buffy and Angel kill you.”
“Thought you lot got rid of the tosser?” Spike asked even as they continued up the stairs. “Don’t matter, long as I got you, your friends’ll do as I say.” Xander took one last look down at Willow before Spike pulled him out the door and into the night.
* * * *
Xander pulled against the chain again. Unfortunately neither the steel manacles nor the concrete wall had decayed since 10 seconds ago when he’d last pulled against the restraints. Spike had thrown a couple of couch cushions on the floor of the basement before chaining him here, but he still couldn’t get comfortable, either because of his new body or because he was just slightly wigging on the whole hostage to a homicidal vampire thing. He yanked the chains again, but his pointless struggled ended when a drunken Spike staggered in the door.
“Brought ya a prezzie,” he slurred, and Xander ducked when Spike chucked a shopping bag at his head.
“Great, just what I need, a vampire stalker buying me things. Don’t think so blood breath.” Xander kicked the bag back toward Spike since his hands were chained close enough to the wall to prevent any throwing action.
“You’ll bloody well wear it or I’ll rip your soddin’ clothes off and leave ya chained here naked,” a game-face Spike snarled as the vampire came over with the keys to the manacles and released his hands.
“And suddenly presents seem like a much better idea,” Xander agreed as Spike dropped the bag at his feet. He reached in and when he started pulling the fabric out of the bag, he found himself reaching panic land at warp speed. “Oh no, not happening. The Xan-man will not wear a dress…again. Dress funny, yes; dress in dresses, no, not even.” Xander scooted back away from the green fabric lying on the floor.
“Warned ya,” Spike said, and suddenly Xander felt his legs pulled up into the air as he was forced on his back by a vampire pulling his pants off. He clutched the waistband, but he couldn’t hold on. The baggy jeans slipped right over his hips and down his legs as he scrambled to rescue his underwear.
“It’s a beautiful dress, nice color, always wanted to try out the whole cross-dressing thing. It’s the in thing now with Ru Paul and uh, and uh…Ru Paul.” Xander crab walked into the corner. This time when Spike threw the dress at him followed closely after by the bag he caught them and tried not to shudder at the thought.
“Right, I’ll be back in ten minutes,” Spike disappeared out the door and Xander looked around the basement for an escape or a weapon or just a sign that the earth would have pity on him and swallow him whole. Seeing none, he sighed and started slipping out of his clothing.
Ten minutes later, and Xander had figured out most of the clothes, including the underwear, an experience that left him wondering how women dressed without help. The problem was that the dress was some sort of fancy dress with laces up the back in a copy of an old-fashioned gown. Xander was still trying to figure that out when cool fingers suddenly entwined his. He gasped at the feeling of Spike gently lacing up the dress, pulling it tight so that the fabric pulled across his breasts. And immediately he ordered himself to stop thinking of the breasts as his. He didn’t have breasts; he had a manly chest, with a couple of extra curves.
“Dru saw this in the window a couple days before we took off; I meant ta steal it for her before we left town.”
“Um, not Dru here,” Xander felt the need to point out. The dress was certainly not something he would ever choose to wear willingly. The best thing about it as far as Xander could see was that it was better than going naked. At least it covered him down to his ankles.
“Bloody right you’re not,” Spike snarled, but the fingers continued dancing across his back, making Xander shiver at the contact. As soon as he felt Spike let go, he turned to face the vampire, noticing for the first time that Spike stunk like a brewery. Truthfully, he also noticed the hand that had captured a couple of curls and played with them and the profound gaze, but he was ignoring those for the moment. Time for a little desperately needed distraction.
“You really are pathetic; you’re crawling in a bottle and chasing after some woman who’s always going to think of you as her second string back up vamp, right after Angel,” Xander did his own impression of Spike’s smirk. “Oh, I’m sorry. You aren’t second string; you just got bumped to third by a chaos demon, didn’t you?” Spike yanked his hand back, and Xander flinched when a couple of stray hairs got caught in his rings.
“You’re one ta talk, sniffin’ after Angel’s seconds, tryin’ ta figure out how ta get the Slayer ta even see ya,” Spike pointed out, and Xander tried to pretend that he didn’t feel the jab of pain at that one. He knew he was pathetic, but he didn’t have to share that particular insecurity so he kept silent for once in his life.
He assumed that he covered well enough because Spike continued on a new line of attack. “And the witch? She don’t even smell a lust ‘round ya, just bloody confusion. So, who’s that leave you with?” Spike turned and retreated to the door where he stood lighting a cigarette.
“God I hate vampires,” Xander complained as he went to sit down again. He struggled to get comfortable with the heavy dress material clinging to his legs.
“I hate some of ‘em too. You should’ve seen Darla when she got goin’ good. Woman would’ve given your name ta the vampire hunters just so she’d have time ta get her clothes packed.”
“What’d she do to make you say that?” Xander scooted back on the cushion and leaned against the cool wall.
“Gave me and Dru up to a couple of vampire hunters so she’d have time ta pack her clothes,” Spike shrugged.
“Nice family you got there.” Xander absent-mindedly reached up under his skirt to scratch where the heavy fabric pulled his leg hairs and made him itch. “Between Darla and Deadboy you really did get the fuzzy end of the lollypop.” And god, how did women wear this stuff? He scratched harder.
“Peaches don’t count as family,” Spike fairly snarled.
“Thought you called him sire,” Xander pointed out, but then he looked up and realized that Spike was staring at the hand under his skirt. Xander yanked his hand out and crossed his arms across his chest, or at least tried to. He ended up crushing his own breasts beneath his arms which led to more Spike starage, so he finally just pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arms on them.
“Angelus was my sire, and I didn’t even like him. Wanker made my unlife miserable.”
“Angel does that to a lot of people. If it weren’t for Angel my whole high school career would have been…well…less pathetic.” Xander saw Spike cock an eyebrow at that one. “At the very least I would have had a chance at Buffy, but no, he’s got to come in with the whole tortured soul act, like I can compete with 250 years of suffering.” Xander realized he’d just opened himself up for to a whole new range of humiliation, and he braced himself for the sarcasm. Instead Spike’s voice sounded slightly wistful.
“With Dru he was always playin’ master. He’d come in with his whip and his chains and promise ta make her beg.”
“Okay, disturbing much?” Xander asked with a shiver.
“That’s just how vampires do it,” Spike frowned and nodded knowingly.
“Yeah, vampire or not he does know how to hold a woman’s attention. He gives Buffy this whole ‘I love you so I have to think of you first’ routine that makes her go blind around every other male.” Xander sighed heavily.
“Oh, please, doesn’t even compare. He soddin’ well left me and Dru with his bitch of a sire, and when he came crawlin’ back with his soul in place, Darla still preferred him. Bitch never stopped tellin’ everyone how Angelus killed better and raped better and soddin’ burned down towns better.”
“Big deal, Darla complained a lot. So what?” Xander waved a dismissive hand. “Angel offered you my neck and don’t think I’m forgetting that one any time soon. He nearly got me killed which trumps the whole complaining…complaint.”
“You want a competition, pet? Fine. After I told the tosser that Dru and I were meant for each other, he made me watch while he shagged her to choruses of how not good enough I’d always be.”
“Ouch,” Xander had to agree. That would suck, but he wasn’t prepared to concede yet. “Yeah, well Buffy once practically gave me a lap dance in the middle of the Bronze. She had me jonesing so bad I couldn’t even walk, and then she left me, just to make Angel jealous.”
“Child’s play,” Spike shot back, “After the tosser finally left, Dru used to beg me ta take the whip to her and pretend I was her ‘daddy’.” Yep, Spike won. Xander couldn’t imagine anything to top that one. He was also trying not to hyperventilate when the vampire walked over and sat on the cushion next to her, close enough that their hips touched, and oh god, she was not noticing the hip touchage.
“Why do we put up with them?” Xander asked as he tried to inch away from that hip.
“’Cause we’re men, and that’s what we do. Course you’re not a man anymore, are ya?” Spike pushed her with a shoulder in a soft, near-friendly jab.
“Hey, I’m still a man.” Xander shoved back.
“Yeah, mate, just missing your manly bits, huh?”
“Exactly, just a man minus the manly bits, and I’ll get those back just as soon as Willow breaks the spell. Then you can have Dru back.”
“Yeah, right.” Xander was startled at Spike’s sharp tone.
“Exactly. We can all go back to normal.” Xander watched a range of expressions cross Spike’s face, and he didn’t understand a single one. “And what’s up with the nice here? Did I miss an apocalypse that you’re doing the whole listening thing?”
“I listen-don’t bloody care, but I listen. Live with Dru and her soddin’ visions for a hundred years or so and ya learn ta do a lot of listening. So dawn’s about here and I’m gettin’ some rest. Time for good little hostages to take a quick bathroom break before gettin’ chained back up.” Spike opened the basement door and waved a hand toward the stairs. Sighing at her own helplessness, Xander went upstairs and used the bathroom before returning to the basement for a very long day.
* * * *
Xander sighed in his sleep, his dream lover’s hand running down the length of his back, and he arched into it. The dream grew sharper, clearer when the dream lover’s hand slipped around to his waist and up to a nipple, which was far more sensitive in his dreams than in reality. She moaned and started turning, but the pull of steel around her wrists yanked her out of the dream, and she opened his eyes to find Spike sitting beside her. For a moment he panicked that the vampire might have been “exploring” the new body, but Spike sat there with both hands folded over his knees as he sat on the floor next to the cushions and blanket that made Xander’s bed.
“Ya need ta get up, pet. We’ve got a few chores to run.” Spike reached over for the chains, and Xander held his hands up so Spike could unlock him. He grimaced when he saw the shoes waiting for him, but since the alternative was going barefoot, he slid into the slipper-like low heels and followed Spike upstairs. Once in the bathroom, she quickly took care of business and tried to ignore the missing equipment. However, the sight in the mirror froze her in place.
Her hair was a tangled mess with curls tangled into a bush shaped mess, but that wasn’t what caught her eye. The deep green dress and large brown eyes mesmerized him, and how sad was it that he was turned on by himself? With a snort, Xander picked up a hairbrush and tried running it through her hair, but she only managed to yank a few dozen hairs out before her cursing brought Spike into the room.
“Oi, you’re just tangling it more.” Spike plucked the brush out of her fingers and started on the mop from the bottom, untangling the bottom couple of inches before slowly working up.
Xander really tried not to notice the cool hands at the back of her neck and the fingers running through her hair, but she knew that if Willow hadn’t magically castrated her, her cock would have been twitching by now. As it was, she could feel something up inside her tingle in a completely unfamiliar way. Xander found her eyes falling shut at the feeling of pleasure at having her hair groomed, but then he realized what was doing the grooming and his eyes opened to the sight of a beautiful woman in the mirror. Long dark brown curls fell to the middle of her back and the green fabric seemed to highlight the tanned skin. And the breasts, oh she was not even going to look at them as the bodice of the dress hugged the curves.
“Ready, pet?” Spike asked quietly.
“Um, yeah. Just can’t get used to seeing that in the mirror,” Xander replied while still studying her reflection.
“Can’t say I mind view,” Spike commented, and Xander was still trying to figure out whether to take it as a compliment or an insult when Spike rushed her out of the house. “We need ta call the witch, make sure she’s gettin’ her part done,” Spike said once they reached the car, a non-descript white Honda. Spike held the door open, and she slid into the car before Spike slammed the door and walked around to his side. Xander considered making a run for it, but with the shoes and the long dress, she figured she’d only get far enough to embarrass herself and piss off Spike.
“Willow’ll be at Giles,” Xander offered when Spike started the car.
“Then we find a payphone and call her there.”
It didn’t take long for Spike to find that payphone and Xander found herself listening to a ringing phone while keeping a wary eye on Spike who sat on the trunk of the no-doubt stolen car and smoked.
“Hello?” asked a calm British voice.
“Giles?” Xander asked, yeah, real smart, like she knew a whole lot of British people that would be answering Giles’ phones. Obviously Willow’s spell hadn’t improved the brain.
“Yes, can I help you, miss?” Xander couldn’t help giggling a little at that.
“Uh, yeah. Wouldn’t mind it if a certain witch returned a few body parts of mine she seems to have lost.”
“Xander?” She could almost hear Giles polishing his glasses over the phone. “Good lord, Willow told us what happened. Where are you, what happened with Spike?”
“I’m still with Spike who’s standing about four feet away and who wants to know when Willow can finish his spell.”
“I’ll get her,” Giles offered, and Xander could hear indistinct voices in the background.
“Xander?” came an unsure, high-pitched voice, and she could picture the expression on Willow’s face that matched that tone.
“I’m fine, Willow. Well, not fine exactly in the sense that I’m still not me, but I’m fine in that I don’t have any new holes, abrasions, or bruises, which for a night on the hell mouth is not bad.
“Oh, thank goddess everything is okay,” Willow sighed, and Xander couldn’t stop the honesty that forced its way out. She lowered her voice to a whisper so Spike wouldn’t hear and turned her back to the vampire.
“Oh, things are so not okay. You gotta get me outta this body, Willow. I’m having thoughts I just shouldn’t have, and it’s all this body’s fault,” she quietly hissed into the phone.
“Whoa, slow down there, what kinda thoughts are we talking about?”
“The kind I don’t have,” Xander felt herself start to panic. “I don’t think vampires are attractive!”
“Spike?! You like Spike?” She could hear the voices in the background start shouting at that one. Great, why was he bothering to whisper when Willow would just shout loud enough for Spike to hear her from here?
“I do not like Spike; I told you, it’s the body and you need to fix this because I do not have thoughts about vampires. Pamela Anderson, Uhura, occasionally linoleum will do it for me, but I’m not attracted to vampires.” Xander tried to control herself, but she couldn’t resist the tendrils of panic that crept up.
“You had naughty thoughts about Buffy when she was a vampire,” Willow pointed out and Xander thought back to the vamped out Slayer in nightmare world with her animal growl and her intense yellow eyes and her tight body. Oh god, Willow was right. Not only was Xander into vampires, she was a lesbian.
“Willow, fix this,” Xander nearly shouted over the phone. She shot Spike a look, but he still sat on the car, unconcerned.
“Right, fixing. I just need one more ingredient and then I can like totally fix this. Where do we meet?”
“I don’t think I’m going to know until you do; my guess is that Spike will call and set up the meeting tomorrow. Listen I gotta go.” Spike had thrown his cigarette to the ground and jumped off the car, so Xander suspected she was about to get pulled from the phone booth.
“Stay safe, Xander,” Willow begged and Xander managed to keep herself from snorting.
“You too,” she said before hanging up the phone.
She walked toward Spike, but froze when he growled and slipped into game face. He strode toward her so quickly she took a step backwards, but then the vampire had passed her, and when she turned, she suddenly noticed the three demons walking toward them: fairly human shaped demons with yellow skin and purplish eyes.
“Spike,” one of the demons hissed. “We heard about your deal with the slayer, turning on your own line.” Xander retreated to the car but Spike stood his ground, just watching as the demons spread out.
“He likes humans,” the tallest demon commented, and three sets of demon eyes turned toward her. “Worthless all puny humans are, should be destroyed,” the demon finished in a yodaesque sentence.
“Worthless?” Xander asked in a voice stronger than she really felt. “Funny enough, that shirt seems to be from The Gap. So not only do you need us puny humans for clothes, but trust me, you need to pick up a few magazines and get some tips on how to avoid dressing funny.” Oh god, Willow’s spell hadn’t just turned him into a woman, it turned him into Cordelia. He shuddered. Spike gave a single snort laugh and backed up enough that he stood a couple of feet in front of her and the car.
“You don’t want ta get into this, or maybe ya do. You could be masochists who just like havin’ their arses kicked. If that’s the case, I’m one vamp who’s happy ta oblige.”
“Three against one? You won’t win vampire,” the first one commented as he closed the distance and stood a few feet in front of Spike, his two friends on either side. The wind blew, and Xander could smell the demons now.
“Whoa, you have a real smellage problem. Don’t you ever bathe?” Xander asked as she covered her nose in disgust.
“That’s a slinse demon for ya, pet. They stink worse than a rottin’ human left around the lair too long.”
“Perhaps we should train your human to respect her superiors,” demon number one offered with a tilt of the head.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah-inferior human here, but at least I can figure out how to use indoor plumbing.” Xander commented as she waved her hand in front of her nose. “Besides, I’m not seeing any superiors around or I might consider respecting-” Xander didn’t get any farther and then Spike flew into action with a solid kick to the nearest demon before punching a second one. Xander screamed and ran like a girl, since technically he now was one and was, therefore, allowed to act like one. When a demon reached around her waist, she drove an elbow into the demon’s face and then fell to the ground in a tangle of fabric when he pushed her.
She thought the demon was about to rip her heart out when he went flying sidewise with a vampire attached to his back. Xander scrambled up and grabbed a fallen brick off the sidewalk before rushing toward the fighting pair. She got in a couple of good hits before the demon stopped moving. Spike pulled her back, and the two of them faced off against the two remaining demons who both showed signs of injury. Xander clutched the brick.
“Spike, do slinse demons have mothers?” Xander asked as she tried to straighten her dress with her free hand. The two demons stood, braced for an attack.
“Yeah, pet, they do. Why?” Spike didn’t take his eyes off the demons, but Xander knew that Spike was paying attention to her.
“Theirs must be out checking into retroactive birth control,” Xander commented. Spike instantly broke out laughing, but the demons continued to look confused until Spike took a step forward and growled. The two demons turned and ran. Xander didn’t protest when Spike, still laughing, took the brick from her hand and tossed it toward the alley.
You really got the knackers on you, don’t ya. Well, actually ya don’t any more,” Spike said with an amused expression that caused his mouth to pucker.
“Hey, no genital jokes allowed,” Xander protested as she tried to straighten out her dress and brush the dirt off her backside.
“Allow me,” Spike said, and before Xander could argue, vampire hands were lightly slapping her butt as they tried to get the dirt off the heavy fabric. “Bloody hell, you’re a treat to have in a fight, not bad at the actual fightin’ part either. Think I’m goin’ ta keep ya,” Spike announced, and it took a few seconds for Xander’s slow brain to actually process those words.
“Keep me? You can’t just keep me!” Xander squeaked.
“Why not?” Xander thought Spike was teasing, but she looked into a face that showed only honest confusion.
“I’m a human being!” she pointed out.
“My point exactly: You’re a human and I’m a vampire, so I’m keepin’ ya.”
“But vampires don’t keep people, they eat them. Oh my god, I did not just say that. Just rewind the brain three seconds and try that bit again.” Xander tried to breathe. She found herself panicking.
“Sad thing is ya still make more sense than Dru. Come on then, got places ta see, people ta eat.” She felt Spike’s hand close over her arm, and she realized that she really didn’t have a choice.
“Um, can we talk about the eating people thing then?” she asked as Spike started pulling her down the street back toward the car which they had left when fighting.
“Talkin’ isn’t the first thing I had in mind, pet,” Spike leered, and Xander felt a warmth between her legs.
“Oh god, I’m never getting my body back,” she sighed as she followed Spike’s lead. Not like she had a choice, really.
“No, but you’re goin’ ta love what I can show ya how ta do with this one.” Xander found herself standing chest to chest with Spike, having to look up slightly to see the vampire, and when did he get to be so gorgeous with those intense blue eyes and exotic angled face. She hadn’t had time to truly analyze this new feeling when she felt lips at her lips and strong arms pulling her into a firm chest. Before she knew what she was doing, she allowed her own hands to encircle the trim waist in front of her.
Feeling a tongue explore the contours of her lips, she parted them slightly. Hey, hormonal teenage male, no one could blame her. Spike’s talented tongue distracted her until she realized that a hand had slipped up her skirt, fingers exploring until she could feel them tangling in the hair between her legs, and how the hell had the vampire managed that without her noticing?
“Not gay, so not gay,” she gasped when the lips released her so that the vampire could nibble on her neck. And boy of boy, where was her panic when she needed it? Instead, she only felt this growing warmth.
“Not a man,” Spike pointed out, and as if to make his argument, he pressed on a spot between her legs, in the moist, smooth valley hidden within folds of skin. Xander gasped as something close to an orgasm flooded her body, sending her pressing into Spike even as her brain screamed for her to stop. He rubbed the spot causing wave after wave of the pleasure until she involuntarily moaned at the touch. Spike snickered and withdrew his hand.
“Yep, keepin’ ya, so move your arse. We’re goin’ home.” Xander felt herself pulled into a one armed embrace as headed for the car, and she had to ask herself what the hell she had just gotten into. Whatever it was, it didn’t look like she was getting out of it again if the strong arm around her waist was any indication. For once in her life, Xander just bit her lip and went along. After all, she could just blame the whole mess on Willow and the witch’s mangled spells.
Author: LitGal
Category: Emella's Challenge: Girl!Xander
Rating: R
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Summary: Willow's love spell for Spike goes horribly, horribly wrong, and Xander finds himself paying the price.
Warning: psuedo-het
For all those who didn't think this fic ended well, go to Bloodclaim for the WIP sequel: Mangled Spells and Girly Bits
NOTICE
Hey, I love it when people go back and read my finished stories, but this isn't the newest version of my story. I often go back and do either major revisions or editing for grammar and spelling when I'm finished, and I don't go back and revise the LiveJournal pages.
So, if you want to read the newest draft, go to my webpage at
http://litgal.vague-disclaimer.org/ficpage.htm
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
* * * *
Xander woke with a dull thudding in his brain, and he lay in bed trying to organize his thoughts. Not an easy task on any day, but he seemed even more muddled today. Date with Cordie, check. Finding Willow, check. Spike. Shit.
Xander cracked his eyes open and groaned at the sight of Spike looming over Willow who sat cross legged on the floor.
“Hurry up,” Spike directed a demand toward Willow, and Xander did his best to slide off the ruined bed silently, which actually involved him getting tangled in the remains of the sheet and falling to the floor with a heavy thud.
“The moron’s joined us then, get on with it witch.”
“Hey, not a moron, and why’s my head hurt?”
“Oh, that would be the microscope Spike hit you with,” Willow offered from her place on the floor and now that Spike had moved, Xander could see candles set out in a circle with a small pot suspended over a large candle.
“Yep, I appear to have a microscope shaped bump, which really doesn’t explain what we’re doing here.”
“Willow’s here ta finish my spell, you’re here ta make sure she does it up right. I find that the right incentive makes for happy workers.” Xander tried to scramble backwards as Spike stalked over to him and reached down to grab a handful of hair. Xander tried pulling back, but the feeling of having his scalp ripped off convinced him to scramble after Spike as the vampire dragged him closer to Willow.
“Xander!” She yelled and started to get up.
“Oi, ya finish your work or I’ll rip his face off,” Spiked hissed and Xander found himself on his knees with Spike’s fist holding him in place. He would have replied with some really witty comeback, but he couldn’t really think at all what with the panicking and the imminent death. Not that his brain normally worked all that well without panicking and imminent death. Eighteen and still in high school didn't speak all that well for the function of his brain.
“I’m working!” Willow fairly shrieked. “See me, working here with the magic and the candles and the feathers.” Willow returned to the small pot, dropping in a yellow feather as she stirred.
“Willow-” He wanted to protest Willow’s cooperation, to tell her to run for it, to leave him behind, but when the fist tightened, he found the pain really kind of short-circuited all other thoughts. Instead he got a front row seat for Willow’s spell just as it exploded with enough force to blast him out of Spike’s grasp and against the wall.
Xander’s next thought included a request to the universe that he not get knocked unconscious again for at least a week. He didn’t think that his brain could take that much more rattling around. Strands of something lay over his face, and he pushed at it, simultaneously groaning at the pain and spitting the silky threads out of his mouth.
“Bloody hell,” he heard a voice complain. Great, the vampire survived; the universe must really hate him. “Did it work, witch?” Spike demanded. Xander knew that either answer would end in murder since ‘yes’ meant Spike didn’t need them and ‘no’ meant Willow’d failed. He struggled to sit up so that he could at least face death upright.
“I don’t know. It should have turned blue, but then it shouldn’t have exploded either.”
“Oi, ya bloody nit. I warned ya.” Oh yeah, and now came the killing part, and he couldn’t do anything about it. Well he could at least die the way he’d lived: saying something utterly stupid.
“Pick on someone your own size, Bloodbreath.” Xander noticed how strange his voice sounded at the same time that he noticed the stunned expressions on the two faces turned to him.
“What?” he asked.
“Oh my god, Xander, I’m so sorry. I’ll fix it, really.” Willow babbled with wide eyes.
“Fix what?” Xander struggled to stand, and he found his body strangely uncooperative, off-balance and weak-kneed. He pulled at his pants which had become too loose and fought his way up. Once he stood, Spike started walking toward him with his game face cocked to one side in confusion. “What are you looking at?” he demanded.
“You, mate. Witch’s spell seems ta have done some redecoratin’.” Xander was about to ask what Spike meant when the vampire reached him, and Xander found himself looking slightly up to meet Spike’s eye. What the hell? He looked down to see if he was standing in a hole, but the sight of two breasts temporarily distracted him from any examination of the floor.
“Guh…ah…wha,” Xander lost all words and didn’t even fight when a hand pulled him away from the wall and toward a large mirror hidden in the corner.
Xander looked in and nearly fainted at the sight of a woman: a dark haired woman with long, thick curly hair and large brown eyes. The face had soft curves with a sort of girl-next-door look, and the body just had curves on curves. The kind of curves that Xander would have lusted after if it weren’t a mirror; as it was the freaking kind of outweighed the lusting. Xander stared at the image and then moved his hand, watching in fascination as the reflection matched his moves.
“That shouldn’t have happened. The spell is just a love spell, you know, to bring love back into your life type spell.” Willow’s concerned face now appeared in the mirror. “I told you I was new at this,” she whispered an apology.
“Love spell?” he squeaked, and his voice had definitely taken on girly tones.
“You know, for Spike.” She nodded knowingly.
“You want to fall in love with Spike?” Xander knew he had missed something while unconscious, but how long had he been out, anyway?
“Goddess, no,” Willow glanced to the side at a figure not reflected in the glass even as Xander moved to touch his own body, his waist, his thigh, his face. He was avoiding other areas in the hope that this would turn out to be some trauma induced nightmare. “The spell was supposed to bring Dru back; she left him for a chaos demon.”
“I’m a girl,” Xander whispered to the figure in the mirror. “Oh my god someone just shoot me now, I’m a girl.”
“It’s not that bad,” Willow said, and suddenly Xander noticed the small twitches at her mouth. He spun around and nearly fell on his ass as he grabbed for something to keep from falling. Great, he grabbed the vampire. Spike seemed surprised, but the vampire simply reached out and held his arm until he found his balanced and pulled his pants up again. He turned his best angry glare to Willow.
“Are you giggling? There will be no giggling. This is so not the funny. ”
“It bloody well is, ‘cept that means ya bollocked up my spell, witch.” Xander turned to see Spike openly smiling and giving him a look that Xander recognized from the many times he’d seen it at the Bronze. That was a ‘hey, not bad’ kinda look, and oh shit this was so not of the good.
“No, no bollocking here. It’s probably just old skink root. I can fix this.” Willow insisted with a far more serious expression now.
“Well you’d better,” Xander demanded, dismayed at the girly tones and slight whine in his own voice.
“Yeah, what she said,” Spike added with a smirk and special emphasis on the word ‘she’.
“Don’t start. I will so stake you,” Xander growled back.
“With what? Ya appear ta have lost your stake there.” Spike backed off several feet and leaned back against the wall, still smiling and leering.
“Is that a genitals joke? There will be no joking about my genitals!”
“No, this is not funny, we’re not laughing,” Willow insisted with a dirty look at Spike who simply continued with the leering. “I just need a few ingredients and then I’ll undo this spell and finish the love spell and bake a lot of cookies,” Willow promised.
“This is way more than cookies type mad. Brownies won’t even cover this. I’m not sure there’s enough chocolate in the world to make this okay.”
“Besides, a girl’s got ta watch her figure,” Spike laughingly added from his side of the room. Xander just glared.
“I’ll make a list of ingredients I need,” Willow continued with a frown. “Maybe I should ask Giles about the spell ‘cause I’m really not sure why that happened. Definitely going to need a couple of spell books.”
“I don’t care what you need or who you talk to, just fix it,” Xander demanded shrilly before walking over to the ruined bed and sinking down, burying his face in his hands. “The universe hates me; it’s the only explanation.”
“Either that or the witch does,” Spike agreed, and Xander didn’t even bother looking up. “If you need ta go out, I’m not goin’ ta have the slayer chargin’ back here, so we’re goin’ ta make an agreement.” Spike was obviously talking to Willow, so Xander simply sat and listened, well that and secretly stared at his breasts. He had to admit that they were a nice pair, large and perfectly rounded, and oh god he needed help, serious professional help.
“I’m taking the bint with me. I’ll keep in touch with ya, and in two days and you’ll either agree to meet and finish this spell, or you’ll never see her again.” Xander raised his head to protest Spike’s threat against Willow, but the minute he opened his mouth, he realized that the “her” in question was him. Shit.
“Two days, but I don’t know if I can get all the materials. And the research, there’s going to be lots of research on why this went so wrong, and I’m not sure Giles is even going to be finished yelling at me by then,” Willow argued.
“Two days, witch. After that, I start lookin’ for a new witch ta cast a spell and you start lookin’ for a new best friend.” Xander felt a cool hand pull him up, and he scrambled when he felt his pants start to slide over his hips.
“Uh, can’t we make some sort of agreement?” he asked even as Spike pulled him up the stairs and Willow watched helplessly as she twisted her hands together. “Hey, maybe you let us go and we won’t have Buffy and Angel kill you.”
“Thought you lot got rid of the tosser?” Spike asked even as they continued up the stairs. “Don’t matter, long as I got you, your friends’ll do as I say.” Xander took one last look down at Willow before Spike pulled him out the door and into the night.
* * * *
Xander pulled against the chain again. Unfortunately neither the steel manacles nor the concrete wall had decayed since 10 seconds ago when he’d last pulled against the restraints. Spike had thrown a couple of couch cushions on the floor of the basement before chaining him here, but he still couldn’t get comfortable, either because of his new body or because he was just slightly wigging on the whole hostage to a homicidal vampire thing. He yanked the chains again, but his pointless struggled ended when a drunken Spike staggered in the door.
“Brought ya a prezzie,” he slurred, and Xander ducked when Spike chucked a shopping bag at his head.
“Great, just what I need, a vampire stalker buying me things. Don’t think so blood breath.” Xander kicked the bag back toward Spike since his hands were chained close enough to the wall to prevent any throwing action.
“You’ll bloody well wear it or I’ll rip your soddin’ clothes off and leave ya chained here naked,” a game-face Spike snarled as the vampire came over with the keys to the manacles and released his hands.
“And suddenly presents seem like a much better idea,” Xander agreed as Spike dropped the bag at his feet. He reached in and when he started pulling the fabric out of the bag, he found himself reaching panic land at warp speed. “Oh no, not happening. The Xan-man will not wear a dress…again. Dress funny, yes; dress in dresses, no, not even.” Xander scooted back away from the green fabric lying on the floor.
“Warned ya,” Spike said, and suddenly Xander felt his legs pulled up into the air as he was forced on his back by a vampire pulling his pants off. He clutched the waistband, but he couldn’t hold on. The baggy jeans slipped right over his hips and down his legs as he scrambled to rescue his underwear.
“It’s a beautiful dress, nice color, always wanted to try out the whole cross-dressing thing. It’s the in thing now with Ru Paul and uh, and uh…Ru Paul.” Xander crab walked into the corner. This time when Spike threw the dress at him followed closely after by the bag he caught them and tried not to shudder at the thought.
“Right, I’ll be back in ten minutes,” Spike disappeared out the door and Xander looked around the basement for an escape or a weapon or just a sign that the earth would have pity on him and swallow him whole. Seeing none, he sighed and started slipping out of his clothing.
Ten minutes later, and Xander had figured out most of the clothes, including the underwear, an experience that left him wondering how women dressed without help. The problem was that the dress was some sort of fancy dress with laces up the back in a copy of an old-fashioned gown. Xander was still trying to figure that out when cool fingers suddenly entwined his. He gasped at the feeling of Spike gently lacing up the dress, pulling it tight so that the fabric pulled across his breasts. And immediately he ordered himself to stop thinking of the breasts as his. He didn’t have breasts; he had a manly chest, with a couple of extra curves.
“Dru saw this in the window a couple days before we took off; I meant ta steal it for her before we left town.”
“Um, not Dru here,” Xander felt the need to point out. The dress was certainly not something he would ever choose to wear willingly. The best thing about it as far as Xander could see was that it was better than going naked. At least it covered him down to his ankles.
“Bloody right you’re not,” Spike snarled, but the fingers continued dancing across his back, making Xander shiver at the contact. As soon as he felt Spike let go, he turned to face the vampire, noticing for the first time that Spike stunk like a brewery. Truthfully, he also noticed the hand that had captured a couple of curls and played with them and the profound gaze, but he was ignoring those for the moment. Time for a little desperately needed distraction.
“You really are pathetic; you’re crawling in a bottle and chasing after some woman who’s always going to think of you as her second string back up vamp, right after Angel,” Xander did his own impression of Spike’s smirk. “Oh, I’m sorry. You aren’t second string; you just got bumped to third by a chaos demon, didn’t you?” Spike yanked his hand back, and Xander flinched when a couple of stray hairs got caught in his rings.
“You’re one ta talk, sniffin’ after Angel’s seconds, tryin’ ta figure out how ta get the Slayer ta even see ya,” Spike pointed out, and Xander tried to pretend that he didn’t feel the jab of pain at that one. He knew he was pathetic, but he didn’t have to share that particular insecurity so he kept silent for once in his life.
He assumed that he covered well enough because Spike continued on a new line of attack. “And the witch? She don’t even smell a lust ‘round ya, just bloody confusion. So, who’s that leave you with?” Spike turned and retreated to the door where he stood lighting a cigarette.
“God I hate vampires,” Xander complained as he went to sit down again. He struggled to get comfortable with the heavy dress material clinging to his legs.
“I hate some of ‘em too. You should’ve seen Darla when she got goin’ good. Woman would’ve given your name ta the vampire hunters just so she’d have time ta get her clothes packed.”
“What’d she do to make you say that?” Xander scooted back on the cushion and leaned against the cool wall.
“Gave me and Dru up to a couple of vampire hunters so she’d have time ta pack her clothes,” Spike shrugged.
“Nice family you got there.” Xander absent-mindedly reached up under his skirt to scratch where the heavy fabric pulled his leg hairs and made him itch. “Between Darla and Deadboy you really did get the fuzzy end of the lollypop.” And god, how did women wear this stuff? He scratched harder.
“Peaches don’t count as family,” Spike fairly snarled.
“Thought you called him sire,” Xander pointed out, but then he looked up and realized that Spike was staring at the hand under his skirt. Xander yanked his hand out and crossed his arms across his chest, or at least tried to. He ended up crushing his own breasts beneath his arms which led to more Spike starage, so he finally just pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his arms on them.
“Angelus was my sire, and I didn’t even like him. Wanker made my unlife miserable.”
“Angel does that to a lot of people. If it weren’t for Angel my whole high school career would have been…well…less pathetic.” Xander saw Spike cock an eyebrow at that one. “At the very least I would have had a chance at Buffy, but no, he’s got to come in with the whole tortured soul act, like I can compete with 250 years of suffering.” Xander realized he’d just opened himself up for to a whole new range of humiliation, and he braced himself for the sarcasm. Instead Spike’s voice sounded slightly wistful.
“With Dru he was always playin’ master. He’d come in with his whip and his chains and promise ta make her beg.”
“Okay, disturbing much?” Xander asked with a shiver.
“That’s just how vampires do it,” Spike frowned and nodded knowingly.
“Yeah, vampire or not he does know how to hold a woman’s attention. He gives Buffy this whole ‘I love you so I have to think of you first’ routine that makes her go blind around every other male.” Xander sighed heavily.
“Oh, please, doesn’t even compare. He soddin’ well left me and Dru with his bitch of a sire, and when he came crawlin’ back with his soul in place, Darla still preferred him. Bitch never stopped tellin’ everyone how Angelus killed better and raped better and soddin’ burned down towns better.”
“Big deal, Darla complained a lot. So what?” Xander waved a dismissive hand. “Angel offered you my neck and don’t think I’m forgetting that one any time soon. He nearly got me killed which trumps the whole complaining…complaint.”
“You want a competition, pet? Fine. After I told the tosser that Dru and I were meant for each other, he made me watch while he shagged her to choruses of how not good enough I’d always be.”
“Ouch,” Xander had to agree. That would suck, but he wasn’t prepared to concede yet. “Yeah, well Buffy once practically gave me a lap dance in the middle of the Bronze. She had me jonesing so bad I couldn’t even walk, and then she left me, just to make Angel jealous.”
“Child’s play,” Spike shot back, “After the tosser finally left, Dru used to beg me ta take the whip to her and pretend I was her ‘daddy’.” Yep, Spike won. Xander couldn’t imagine anything to top that one. He was also trying not to hyperventilate when the vampire walked over and sat on the cushion next to her, close enough that their hips touched, and oh god, she was not noticing the hip touchage.
“Why do we put up with them?” Xander asked as he tried to inch away from that hip.
“’Cause we’re men, and that’s what we do. Course you’re not a man anymore, are ya?” Spike pushed her with a shoulder in a soft, near-friendly jab.
“Hey, I’m still a man.” Xander shoved back.
“Yeah, mate, just missing your manly bits, huh?”
“Exactly, just a man minus the manly bits, and I’ll get those back just as soon as Willow breaks the spell. Then you can have Dru back.”
“Yeah, right.” Xander was startled at Spike’s sharp tone.
“Exactly. We can all go back to normal.” Xander watched a range of expressions cross Spike’s face, and he didn’t understand a single one. “And what’s up with the nice here? Did I miss an apocalypse that you’re doing the whole listening thing?”
“I listen-don’t bloody care, but I listen. Live with Dru and her soddin’ visions for a hundred years or so and ya learn ta do a lot of listening. So dawn’s about here and I’m gettin’ some rest. Time for good little hostages to take a quick bathroom break before gettin’ chained back up.” Spike opened the basement door and waved a hand toward the stairs. Sighing at her own helplessness, Xander went upstairs and used the bathroom before returning to the basement for a very long day.
* * * *
Xander sighed in his sleep, his dream lover’s hand running down the length of his back, and he arched into it. The dream grew sharper, clearer when the dream lover’s hand slipped around to his waist and up to a nipple, which was far more sensitive in his dreams than in reality. She moaned and started turning, but the pull of steel around her wrists yanked her out of the dream, and she opened his eyes to find Spike sitting beside her. For a moment he panicked that the vampire might have been “exploring” the new body, but Spike sat there with both hands folded over his knees as he sat on the floor next to the cushions and blanket that made Xander’s bed.
“Ya need ta get up, pet. We’ve got a few chores to run.” Spike reached over for the chains, and Xander held his hands up so Spike could unlock him. He grimaced when he saw the shoes waiting for him, but since the alternative was going barefoot, he slid into the slipper-like low heels and followed Spike upstairs. Once in the bathroom, she quickly took care of business and tried to ignore the missing equipment. However, the sight in the mirror froze her in place.
Her hair was a tangled mess with curls tangled into a bush shaped mess, but that wasn’t what caught her eye. The deep green dress and large brown eyes mesmerized him, and how sad was it that he was turned on by himself? With a snort, Xander picked up a hairbrush and tried running it through her hair, but she only managed to yank a few dozen hairs out before her cursing brought Spike into the room.
“Oi, you’re just tangling it more.” Spike plucked the brush out of her fingers and started on the mop from the bottom, untangling the bottom couple of inches before slowly working up.
Xander really tried not to notice the cool hands at the back of her neck and the fingers running through her hair, but she knew that if Willow hadn’t magically castrated her, her cock would have been twitching by now. As it was, she could feel something up inside her tingle in a completely unfamiliar way. Xander found her eyes falling shut at the feeling of pleasure at having her hair groomed, but then he realized what was doing the grooming and his eyes opened to the sight of a beautiful woman in the mirror. Long dark brown curls fell to the middle of her back and the green fabric seemed to highlight the tanned skin. And the breasts, oh she was not even going to look at them as the bodice of the dress hugged the curves.
“Ready, pet?” Spike asked quietly.
“Um, yeah. Just can’t get used to seeing that in the mirror,” Xander replied while still studying her reflection.
“Can’t say I mind view,” Spike commented, and Xander was still trying to figure out whether to take it as a compliment or an insult when Spike rushed her out of the house. “We need ta call the witch, make sure she’s gettin’ her part done,” Spike said once they reached the car, a non-descript white Honda. Spike held the door open, and she slid into the car before Spike slammed the door and walked around to his side. Xander considered making a run for it, but with the shoes and the long dress, she figured she’d only get far enough to embarrass herself and piss off Spike.
“Willow’ll be at Giles,” Xander offered when Spike started the car.
“Then we find a payphone and call her there.”
It didn’t take long for Spike to find that payphone and Xander found herself listening to a ringing phone while keeping a wary eye on Spike who sat on the trunk of the no-doubt stolen car and smoked.
“Hello?” asked a calm British voice.
“Giles?” Xander asked, yeah, real smart, like she knew a whole lot of British people that would be answering Giles’ phones. Obviously Willow’s spell hadn’t improved the brain.
“Yes, can I help you, miss?” Xander couldn’t help giggling a little at that.
“Uh, yeah. Wouldn’t mind it if a certain witch returned a few body parts of mine she seems to have lost.”
“Xander?” She could almost hear Giles polishing his glasses over the phone. “Good lord, Willow told us what happened. Where are you, what happened with Spike?”
“I’m still with Spike who’s standing about four feet away and who wants to know when Willow can finish his spell.”
“I’ll get her,” Giles offered, and Xander could hear indistinct voices in the background.
“Xander?” came an unsure, high-pitched voice, and she could picture the expression on Willow’s face that matched that tone.
“I’m fine, Willow. Well, not fine exactly in the sense that I’m still not me, but I’m fine in that I don’t have any new holes, abrasions, or bruises, which for a night on the hell mouth is not bad.
“Oh, thank goddess everything is okay,” Willow sighed, and Xander couldn’t stop the honesty that forced its way out. She lowered her voice to a whisper so Spike wouldn’t hear and turned her back to the vampire.
“Oh, things are so not okay. You gotta get me outta this body, Willow. I’m having thoughts I just shouldn’t have, and it’s all this body’s fault,” she quietly hissed into the phone.
“Whoa, slow down there, what kinda thoughts are we talking about?”
“The kind I don’t have,” Xander felt herself start to panic. “I don’t think vampires are attractive!”
“Spike?! You like Spike?” She could hear the voices in the background start shouting at that one. Great, why was he bothering to whisper when Willow would just shout loud enough for Spike to hear her from here?
“I do not like Spike; I told you, it’s the body and you need to fix this because I do not have thoughts about vampires. Pamela Anderson, Uhura, occasionally linoleum will do it for me, but I’m not attracted to vampires.” Xander tried to control herself, but she couldn’t resist the tendrils of panic that crept up.
“You had naughty thoughts about Buffy when she was a vampire,” Willow pointed out and Xander thought back to the vamped out Slayer in nightmare world with her animal growl and her intense yellow eyes and her tight body. Oh god, Willow was right. Not only was Xander into vampires, she was a lesbian.
“Willow, fix this,” Xander nearly shouted over the phone. She shot Spike a look, but he still sat on the car, unconcerned.
“Right, fixing. I just need one more ingredient and then I can like totally fix this. Where do we meet?”
“I don’t think I’m going to know until you do; my guess is that Spike will call and set up the meeting tomorrow. Listen I gotta go.” Spike had thrown his cigarette to the ground and jumped off the car, so Xander suspected she was about to get pulled from the phone booth.
“Stay safe, Xander,” Willow begged and Xander managed to keep herself from snorting.
“You too,” she said before hanging up the phone.
She walked toward Spike, but froze when he growled and slipped into game face. He strode toward her so quickly she took a step backwards, but then the vampire had passed her, and when she turned, she suddenly noticed the three demons walking toward them: fairly human shaped demons with yellow skin and purplish eyes.
“Spike,” one of the demons hissed. “We heard about your deal with the slayer, turning on your own line.” Xander retreated to the car but Spike stood his ground, just watching as the demons spread out.
“He likes humans,” the tallest demon commented, and three sets of demon eyes turned toward her. “Worthless all puny humans are, should be destroyed,” the demon finished in a yodaesque sentence.
“Worthless?” Xander asked in a voice stronger than she really felt. “Funny enough, that shirt seems to be from The Gap. So not only do you need us puny humans for clothes, but trust me, you need to pick up a few magazines and get some tips on how to avoid dressing funny.” Oh god, Willow’s spell hadn’t just turned him into a woman, it turned him into Cordelia. He shuddered. Spike gave a single snort laugh and backed up enough that he stood a couple of feet in front of her and the car.
“You don’t want ta get into this, or maybe ya do. You could be masochists who just like havin’ their arses kicked. If that’s the case, I’m one vamp who’s happy ta oblige.”
“Three against one? You won’t win vampire,” the first one commented as he closed the distance and stood a few feet in front of Spike, his two friends on either side. The wind blew, and Xander could smell the demons now.
“Whoa, you have a real smellage problem. Don’t you ever bathe?” Xander asked as she covered her nose in disgust.
“That’s a slinse demon for ya, pet. They stink worse than a rottin’ human left around the lair too long.”
“Perhaps we should train your human to respect her superiors,” demon number one offered with a tilt of the head.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah-inferior human here, but at least I can figure out how to use indoor plumbing.” Xander commented as she waved her hand in front of her nose. “Besides, I’m not seeing any superiors around or I might consider respecting-” Xander didn’t get any farther and then Spike flew into action with a solid kick to the nearest demon before punching a second one. Xander screamed and ran like a girl, since technically he now was one and was, therefore, allowed to act like one. When a demon reached around her waist, she drove an elbow into the demon’s face and then fell to the ground in a tangle of fabric when he pushed her.
She thought the demon was about to rip her heart out when he went flying sidewise with a vampire attached to his back. Xander scrambled up and grabbed a fallen brick off the sidewalk before rushing toward the fighting pair. She got in a couple of good hits before the demon stopped moving. Spike pulled her back, and the two of them faced off against the two remaining demons who both showed signs of injury. Xander clutched the brick.
“Spike, do slinse demons have mothers?” Xander asked as she tried to straighten her dress with her free hand. The two demons stood, braced for an attack.
“Yeah, pet, they do. Why?” Spike didn’t take his eyes off the demons, but Xander knew that Spike was paying attention to her.
“Theirs must be out checking into retroactive birth control,” Xander commented. Spike instantly broke out laughing, but the demons continued to look confused until Spike took a step forward and growled. The two demons turned and ran. Xander didn’t protest when Spike, still laughing, took the brick from her hand and tossed it toward the alley.
You really got the knackers on you, don’t ya. Well, actually ya don’t any more,” Spike said with an amused expression that caused his mouth to pucker.
“Hey, no genital jokes allowed,” Xander protested as she tried to straighten out her dress and brush the dirt off her backside.
“Allow me,” Spike said, and before Xander could argue, vampire hands were lightly slapping her butt as they tried to get the dirt off the heavy fabric. “Bloody hell, you’re a treat to have in a fight, not bad at the actual fightin’ part either. Think I’m goin’ ta keep ya,” Spike announced, and it took a few seconds for Xander’s slow brain to actually process those words.
“Keep me? You can’t just keep me!” Xander squeaked.
“Why not?” Xander thought Spike was teasing, but she looked into a face that showed only honest confusion.
“I’m a human being!” she pointed out.
“My point exactly: You’re a human and I’m a vampire, so I’m keepin’ ya.”
“But vampires don’t keep people, they eat them. Oh my god, I did not just say that. Just rewind the brain three seconds and try that bit again.” Xander tried to breathe. She found herself panicking.
“Sad thing is ya still make more sense than Dru. Come on then, got places ta see, people ta eat.” She felt Spike’s hand close over her arm, and she realized that she really didn’t have a choice.
“Um, can we talk about the eating people thing then?” she asked as Spike started pulling her down the street back toward the car which they had left when fighting.
“Talkin’ isn’t the first thing I had in mind, pet,” Spike leered, and Xander felt a warmth between her legs.
“Oh god, I’m never getting my body back,” she sighed as she followed Spike’s lead. Not like she had a choice, really.
“No, but you’re goin’ ta love what I can show ya how ta do with this one.” Xander found herself standing chest to chest with Spike, having to look up slightly to see the vampire, and when did he get to be so gorgeous with those intense blue eyes and exotic angled face. She hadn’t had time to truly analyze this new feeling when she felt lips at her lips and strong arms pulling her into a firm chest. Before she knew what she was doing, she allowed her own hands to encircle the trim waist in front of her.
Feeling a tongue explore the contours of her lips, she parted them slightly. Hey, hormonal teenage male, no one could blame her. Spike’s talented tongue distracted her until she realized that a hand had slipped up her skirt, fingers exploring until she could feel them tangling in the hair between her legs, and how the hell had the vampire managed that without her noticing?
“Not gay, so not gay,” she gasped when the lips released her so that the vampire could nibble on her neck. And boy of boy, where was her panic when she needed it? Instead, she only felt this growing warmth.
“Not a man,” Spike pointed out, and as if to make his argument, he pressed on a spot between her legs, in the moist, smooth valley hidden within folds of skin. Xander gasped as something close to an orgasm flooded her body, sending her pressing into Spike even as her brain screamed for her to stop. He rubbed the spot causing wave after wave of the pleasure until she involuntarily moaned at the touch. Spike snickered and withdrew his hand.
“Yep, keepin’ ya, so move your arse. We’re goin’ home.” Xander felt herself pulled into a one armed embrace as headed for the car, and she had to ask herself what the hell she had just gotten into. Whatever it was, it didn’t look like she was getting out of it again if the strong arm around her waist was any indication. For once in her life, Xander just bit her lip and went along. After all, she could just blame the whole mess on Willow and the witch’s mangled spells.