[multichapter] Baby Blue: Part 4: Chapter 19
Title: Baby Blue: Part 4: Chapter 19
Pairing: JunDa
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1128
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: All they wanted was each other, just to be together the way they once were. But now that they have it, is that still enough?
14th February 2014
Their Valentine's dinner lay forgotten on the table in front of him. His mouth was suddenly dry but Ueda didn't trust himself to pick up his glass. His hands were shaking. There was nothing for him to do but watch Taguchi as he paced slowly at the other side of the room, just wait for the phonecall to end.
“I see. That's...” Taguchi paused “That...thank you for letting me know. Would it be ok for me to call you tomorrow?”
Silence. Waiting. It felt like a tight-wire walk, as it had for the past...had it only been a day, a day and a half? He felt poised, careful, fighting to keep the balance between them, the balance for calm inside him, but feeling like every moment he could fall. And he would, he knew. Regardless of the outcome there was so much to lose. Part of him wanted to remain there, balanced and unknowing, but every second drew him nearer to that fall, to the end of the phone call, to the change of everything.
Taguchi put his phone down, Ueda watched it's path from his ear to his side, his hands were shaking too. When his eyes finally found Taguchi's face it looked torn, his expression distraught, and Ueda still couldn't discern any answer from it.
His eyes turned blurry, burning, fiery paths left down his cheeks as he stared straight ahead, swallowing thickly.
Eventually Taguchi shook his head, the sigh that left him afterwards seeming to deflate him completely. His eyes looked dull, distant, the only light in them the reflection of the candles in the welling tears. “She's not mine.”
He fell. But for a moment he felt suspended, like his body was weightless, numb, and then the heavy tears rolling down Taguchi's face brought him crashing back down to reality.
It was too much, all the feelings he'd been gathering up, pushing down, trying not to feel. Everything hit him all at once, the pain, the anger, the jealousy, desperation, longing, love. He could barely breathe through it.
His hands clutched at the table, his knuckles white, pain shooting up through his wrists and he was glad of it, he concentrated on it, pushing away everything else inside, trying to hold himself together when he could feel his body trying to shake itself apart.
From the corner of his eye he could see Taguchi, he'd dropped to the floor, his face buried in his hands as his shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. Ueda wanted to feel for him, some part of him knew that whatever he was feeling, Taguchi could only be feeling twice as badly, it was his baby, or rather it wasn't, should have been. But the more malicious part of himself, the part he couldn't seem to control recently, was glad. Taguchi had done this to himself, to them both, he should be the one to suffer most for it, he deserved to feel every drop of pain Ueda was feeling threefold.
He should go and comfort Taguchi, it's what a good boyfriend should do, a good boyfriend shouldn't feel so much blame and resentment, he thought, but just the sight of Taguchi, of his pain, twisted something deep in Ueda that he couldn't even begin to understand.
“Tatsuya” Taguchi whined, his voice pathetic, needy annoying. He was looking up at Ueda now, his eyes worried, pleading. “Tatsuya...say something...”. He looked away, down to his hands and carefully peeled them from tables edge. “Tatsuya...” Taguchi started again, and just the sound set all those feelings alight again.
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Get out. Get out of my house.” he could feel his hands shaking again, his eyes hot, his head throbbing with the strain of trying to stay calm.
“Why?” Taguchi asked, getting up from the floor in an ungraceful lurch.
Ueda darted from his seat to maintain the distance between them, but his heart gave a weak flutter at the sight of Taguchi's desperate expression chasing after him.
“Because I can't look at you.” he admitted “Because looking at you makes it hurt too much.” his hands moved to his chest unconsciously, clutching at the front of his smart shirt as though to illustrate the pain swirling around inside there. “I don't want to see you any more.”
He set off slowly down the hallway to his bedroom as Taguchi remained frozen, his mind wrapping itself around all the meanings of that sentence.
He'd barely reached the door when he heard feet padding along quickly behind him. Taguchi followed him in inside, shutting the door behind them, trapping them. “You want to break up with me because I'm not having a baby with someone else?”
He'd been trying not to think about it, refusing to make a decision before they even knew, knowing that the final decision was there all along, and here it was, his mind making the decision without his input. It was a culmination of all the feelings stirring inside him, and without reasons and explanations and excuses prepared, he just had to go with raw feeling. “Junno...it's not working between us.”
“What?” Taguchi exclaimed. “What's not working?”
“Us...being together...”
“Of course it's working...we love each other right? We're happy together...”
He shook his head slowly, cutting off Taguchi's words and he took a moment to breathe slowly, to calm the tremors in his voice. “You're the one that kept pushing for more, getting married moving in together...I didn't think that I needed that, I thought that just being with you was enough, that it was more important than anything else in the world, but the more you shove all these impossible things into my face, the more I realise that I want them, I want to get married, I want to buy a house with a nice garden to settle down and grow old in, and I want to have children.”
“You said yourself we can't have that...”
“Exactly...that's why I can't be with you any more.”
Taguchi was speechless, his mouth held open, frozen as tears trickled thick and fast down his face. “But I love you...”
“I love you too...but it's not enough.” Taguchi still looked confused, torn, he had to make sure he understood, this nightmare had to end. “I love you so, so much Junno...but I need more than what you can give me...loving you isn't enough.”
Taguchi's face clouded over, his expression no longer readable as he nodded slowly. He turned without a word and walked from the room. Ueda stood frozen, the last ten minutes, it couldn't have been longer than that, sinking in on him at last. It was over. He'd lost everything.
The sound of the door clicking shut echoed through the apartment.
Chapter 18 | Chapter 20
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I'm sorry guys - things are getting major angsty up in here again >_< But at least now we know the baby isn't his...whether that's a good thing or not >_< Thanks to those of you still sticking around, I know I'm not exactly the most reliable poster right now!
Pairing: JunDa
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1128
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: All they wanted was each other, just to be together the way they once were. But now that they have it, is that still enough?
14th February 2014
Their Valentine's dinner lay forgotten on the table in front of him. His mouth was suddenly dry but Ueda didn't trust himself to pick up his glass. His hands were shaking. There was nothing for him to do but watch Taguchi as he paced slowly at the other side of the room, just wait for the phonecall to end.
“I see. That's...” Taguchi paused “That...thank you for letting me know. Would it be ok for me to call you tomorrow?”
Silence. Waiting. It felt like a tight-wire walk, as it had for the past...had it only been a day, a day and a half? He felt poised, careful, fighting to keep the balance between them, the balance for calm inside him, but feeling like every moment he could fall. And he would, he knew. Regardless of the outcome there was so much to lose. Part of him wanted to remain there, balanced and unknowing, but every second drew him nearer to that fall, to the end of the phone call, to the change of everything.
Taguchi put his phone down, Ueda watched it's path from his ear to his side, his hands were shaking too. When his eyes finally found Taguchi's face it looked torn, his expression distraught, and Ueda still couldn't discern any answer from it.
His eyes turned blurry, burning, fiery paths left down his cheeks as he stared straight ahead, swallowing thickly.
Eventually Taguchi shook his head, the sigh that left him afterwards seeming to deflate him completely. His eyes looked dull, distant, the only light in them the reflection of the candles in the welling tears. “She's not mine.”
He fell. But for a moment he felt suspended, like his body was weightless, numb, and then the heavy tears rolling down Taguchi's face brought him crashing back down to reality.
It was too much, all the feelings he'd been gathering up, pushing down, trying not to feel. Everything hit him all at once, the pain, the anger, the jealousy, desperation, longing, love. He could barely breathe through it.
His hands clutched at the table, his knuckles white, pain shooting up through his wrists and he was glad of it, he concentrated on it, pushing away everything else inside, trying to hold himself together when he could feel his body trying to shake itself apart.
From the corner of his eye he could see Taguchi, he'd dropped to the floor, his face buried in his hands as his shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. Ueda wanted to feel for him, some part of him knew that whatever he was feeling, Taguchi could only be feeling twice as badly, it was his baby, or rather it wasn't, should have been. But the more malicious part of himself, the part he couldn't seem to control recently, was glad. Taguchi had done this to himself, to them both, he should be the one to suffer most for it, he deserved to feel every drop of pain Ueda was feeling threefold.
He should go and comfort Taguchi, it's what a good boyfriend should do, a good boyfriend shouldn't feel so much blame and resentment, he thought, but just the sight of Taguchi, of his pain, twisted something deep in Ueda that he couldn't even begin to understand.
“Tatsuya” Taguchi whined, his voice pathetic, needy annoying. He was looking up at Ueda now, his eyes worried, pleading. “Tatsuya...say something...”. He looked away, down to his hands and carefully peeled them from tables edge. “Tatsuya...” Taguchi started again, and just the sound set all those feelings alight again.
“Get out.”
“What?”
“Get out. Get out of my house.” he could feel his hands shaking again, his eyes hot, his head throbbing with the strain of trying to stay calm.
“Why?” Taguchi asked, getting up from the floor in an ungraceful lurch.
Ueda darted from his seat to maintain the distance between them, but his heart gave a weak flutter at the sight of Taguchi's desperate expression chasing after him.
“Because I can't look at you.” he admitted “Because looking at you makes it hurt too much.” his hands moved to his chest unconsciously, clutching at the front of his smart shirt as though to illustrate the pain swirling around inside there. “I don't want to see you any more.”
He set off slowly down the hallway to his bedroom as Taguchi remained frozen, his mind wrapping itself around all the meanings of that sentence.
He'd barely reached the door when he heard feet padding along quickly behind him. Taguchi followed him in inside, shutting the door behind them, trapping them. “You want to break up with me because I'm not having a baby with someone else?”
He'd been trying not to think about it, refusing to make a decision before they even knew, knowing that the final decision was there all along, and here it was, his mind making the decision without his input. It was a culmination of all the feelings stirring inside him, and without reasons and explanations and excuses prepared, he just had to go with raw feeling. “Junno...it's not working between us.”
“What?” Taguchi exclaimed. “What's not working?”
“Us...being together...”
“Of course it's working...we love each other right? We're happy together...”
He shook his head slowly, cutting off Taguchi's words and he took a moment to breathe slowly, to calm the tremors in his voice. “You're the one that kept pushing for more, getting married moving in together...I didn't think that I needed that, I thought that just being with you was enough, that it was more important than anything else in the world, but the more you shove all these impossible things into my face, the more I realise that I want them, I want to get married, I want to buy a house with a nice garden to settle down and grow old in, and I want to have children.”
“You said yourself we can't have that...”
“Exactly...that's why I can't be with you any more.”
Taguchi was speechless, his mouth held open, frozen as tears trickled thick and fast down his face. “But I love you...”
“I love you too...but it's not enough.” Taguchi still looked confused, torn, he had to make sure he understood, this nightmare had to end. “I love you so, so much Junno...but I need more than what you can give me...loving you isn't enough.”
Taguchi's face clouded over, his expression no longer readable as he nodded slowly. He turned without a word and walked from the room. Ueda stood frozen, the last ten minutes, it couldn't have been longer than that, sinking in on him at last. It was over. He'd lost everything.
The sound of the door clicking shut echoed through the apartment.
Chapter 18 | Chapter 20
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry guys - things are getting major angsty up in here again >_< But at least now we know the baby isn't his...whether that's a good thing or not >_< Thanks to those of you still sticking around, I know I'm not exactly the most reliable poster right now!