Part I: Where Everything Goes To Hell
Chicago, January 2012Raising his glass in a mock toast to the empty side of the booth, Jensen downed his fifth rocks glass of Glenfiddich neat. Jared had stormed out of the McRory’s less than an hour earlier. Jensen caught the bartender’s eye and waved his empty glass to signal wanting another. With a sad shake of her head, she grabbed the bottle and walked over to his table, refilling his glass.
“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat, Jensen?”
“I’m good, Jean. I’ll probably be taking off soon anyway,” Jensen answered, taking a sip from his glass.
“Well, you know where I’ll be if you change your mind,” she said, taking the bottle and walking back to the bar to serve the regulars parked there.
Jensen took a look around the bar, noting how much it had cleared out as the night progressed.
The Irish snugs, private booths were all but empty, the majority of their sliding doors open to show their vacancy and to air out the perfume and cigarette smoke of their previous occupants. Most of the crowd which had huddled against or near the bar had left as well, making the luxury of the place feel worn thin so late at night. All that remained in the main room were the regulars, clustered around the circular tables in the middle of the room and huddled around the bar. A small group of men in rumpled suits were toasting something in the private room in the back, and Jensen hoped they were having a better time tonight than he’d had.
From his vantage point near the stage, Jensen had a clear view of the room he’d spent a lot of time in. The bar had seen Jensen through most of his adolescence; he’d played a few shows here with his band Kane, long before they’d been old enough to drink. The summer after high school, they’d even been offered a regular gig here a few nights a month. Kane was a hit with the college crowd, and Chris had talked about nothing but getting a break and going on tour with some of their biggest rock idols. Then two years later, Jensen had been accepted into the Army and left for boot camp, and Steve had been accepted to Millikin University for music study. Chris had stayed behind, tried to make a go of it as a solo act for a bit before landing a job as a self-defense instructor.
There was a gust of cold air as the front door opened, and Jensen frowned as his eyes caught a familiar face. Hoping to avoid the inevitable, Jensen leaned further into the snug, closing the door slightly with his foot. He wasn’t quick enough, though, and Chad slid into the booth across from him.
"To what do I owe this pleasure, Murray? Did Jean’s restraining order expire?”
"Very funny, jackass,” Chad answered, deftly stealing the drink from Jean’s hand as she tried to set it in front of Jensen. Chad swallowed it in one gulp, red-faced and coughing as he slammed the rocks glass back on the table. Jean helpfully patted him on the back, handing him the glass of water she’d also brought for Jensen. Chad sipped it cautiously before setting it down on the table and taking a deep breath. “What. The. Fuck.” Jensen raised an eyebrow, waiting for Chad to elaborate. When he didn’t, Jensen sighed and ran a hand over his face.
“Is there something you actually need, Chad, or are you just here to punish me?”
“I don’t know, Jensen. Is there something you feel you need to be punished for?” Chad challenged, his blue eyes cold as he smirked at him from across the table. Jensen couldn’t meet his eyes and looked down, studying the constellation of scratches on the surface of the table. “Jensen, what’s going on?” Chad asked, and Jensen looked up to see Chad staring at him with a raised eyebrow. His spiky blond hair was coated with drops of moisture, making him look like a squinty, disgruntled hedgehog.
“What do you want me to tell you, Chad?” Jensen asked, looking down again as he started ripping the napkin on the table into tiny pieces. He was suddenly consumed with a burning desire for the cigarettes he hadn’t smoked in two years, and wondered if Jean still kept the stash of abandoned packs behind the bar.
As if summoned from above a pack dropped down on the table in front of him. He turned to see Chris Kane himself standing next to him, arms crossed against his chest. There was a thunderous expression on his face. “Thanks, I think?”
“What. The. Fuck?” Chris growled, making Jensen flinch subtly. He’d heard Chris use that tone of voice on a lot of people before, but never aimed at him. Chris shrugged out of his brown leather jacket and hung it on the hook at the end of the booth before pulling his hair back and securing it with the hair tie from around his wrist.
“What, a guy can’t go to his favorite bar for a few drinks after a long day all of a sudden?” Jensen smiled, hoping to lighten the mood. “And how’d you know I was here?” He was starting to feel claustrophobic, surrounded in the booth as he was, and Jensen almost wished he’d just gone home to mope instead of staying at the bar to get thoroughly trashed.
“Because your boy called me about a half hour ago, and told me to come pick you up. Said you’d probably want a pack of smokes right about now, too. So, I’ll say it again, Jensen, and so help me god I better get an honest answer this time. What. The. Fuck.” Chris stepped closer and jabbed his finger into Jensen’s chest with each word.
Jensen felt the tenuous hold he’d been maintaining on his anger suddenly snap, “What do you mean, what the fuck? Why the fuck is this my fault, huh? Just because I didn’t want to go to Seattle and get gay married with the guy, suddenly I’m the heartless asshole?”
Chad clinched his teeth together audibly and burst into motion. The table screeched loudly, and there was a sudden, sharp pain blooming across his mouth and right jaw as his head rocked back. Jensen put a hand to his lip, and it came away bloody. Jensen looked up to stare at Chad incredulously. Chad, to his credit, didn’t flinch. “Did you seriously just hit me, Murray?”
“Yeah, douche canoe. I did. You're an idiot, but luckily you have The Chad to set you right.”
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to call yourself that anymore,” Chris interjected, shoving Jensen aside and sliding into the booth next to him. After waving to Jean, Chris turned and glared at Chad. “You touch him again, Murray, and you and I are gonna have words. And by words, I mean I’m going to break every bone in your goddamn body.”
Chad laughed, but Chris didn’t so much as blink. Paling, Chad muttered something about assholes with no sense of humor but stayed otherwise silent.
“And the fuck do you mean by gay married, Jensen? Why not just say married?” Chris asked, turning to face Jensen. “While you’re at it, why don’t you tell me why your boy called me tonight and asked me if I’d be cool with watching his mutts for a few days.”
Jensen slowly packed his cigarettes, tapping the pack against his left palm in a comforting ritual of seven times for each side. Completing the ritual, he then set two luckies on each side before pulling one from the center of the pack. Habitually, he exchanged the pack in his pocket for the lucky Zippo he carried with him everywhere. Lighting the cigarette and taking a deep drag, he felt the familiar burn in his throat and lungs, the artificial calm nicotine always gave him settling deep into his bones.
“He’s moving to Seattle and needed someone he could trust to watch the kids while he makes final arrangements for the house he bought.” Tilting his head back, he exhaled slowly into the industrial air filter above his head before ashing the cigarette into the tray at the back of the table.
“Why didn’t he ask you to do it?” Chris asked, obviously confused.
Jean returned to the table with drinks for the three of them and a cold compress for Jensen’s face. Chris smiled his thanks to Jean, and she pecked him on the cheek before walking away.
“He said he needed someone he could trust, and apparently, that’s not me anymore,” Jensen said bitterly, turning the glass in his hand before sipping the scotch. “I get it, though- After what I pulled, I don’t blame him.”
“So you didn’t want to pick up and move across the country with him yet?” Chris shook his head, and a few strands of hair escaped his ponytail to hang around his face.
“I didn’t even know he wanted me to,” Jensen said quietly. “When he talked about it, I always thought it was him trying to tell me that he wasn’t going to be around much longer.”
“And now that you know that wasn’t what he was saying?” Chris asked, taking a sip of his whiskey.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.” Jensen replied. Chris patted Jensen’s shoulder, a disturbingly earnest expression on his face.
“Well, it’s fine to be unsure what you want, Jensen. That’s not the end of the world and shouldn’t mean the end of a relationship either. Jay just needs time to get his head on straight, you’ll see. He’ll come around again.”
“Hold up, Kane.” Chad leaned over the table, raising an eyebrow. “Why does it have to be Jay that comes around to Jen’s way of thinking? Don’t you think he’s had to do that enough already?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Murray?” Chris demanded, mirroring Chad’s position as he leaned over the table as well, leaving the two of them looking for all the world like they were about to kiss.
Jensen took another drag from his cigarette, watching with amusement as the two of them puffed up like cats sizing each other up for a fight. “What I mean, dumbass,” Chad fired back, “is that my man Jay has had his heart broken by this asshole three times already. Three fucking times, Kane. What makes you think that he’s going to be willing to hear anything Jen has to say after this?”
“This time, it was his choice to take off, Murray. Maybe Jensen wasn’t ready to leave everything here behind and follow Jared out to Twilight-land. You ever think of that?” Kane challenged while gestured with his beer bottle. He leaned back in the booth and nudged Jensen with his elbow. “Ain’t that right, Jenny-boy?”
“Kane,” Jensen sighed, leaning forward and resting his aching face on the ice pack in his hand. “As annoying as he is, I think Chad may be right this time.”
Chad let out an ear-piercing whoop, and Chris stared at Jensen incredulously. “Is there something I don’t know about this situation, Jen? I’m feeling a little left out of the loop, here.” Chris caught Jean’s eye and shook empty beer bottle, checking the rest of the table’s drink levels.
“I don’t think tonight’s the night for this, Chris,” Jensen started to explain but was cut off by Chad.
“Oh, there’s a lot you don’t know about Jensen and Jared, Kane. Luckily, my buddy Jay tells me everything, so I’ve got a leg to stand on when I tell Jenny-boy here to go fuck himself on my friend’s behalf. If you knew half the shit this asshole has pulled, you’d tell him the same thing.”
Chris grunted in surprise, staring at Jensen with a disbelieving look on his face. “Alright, spill.” He poked a finger in Jensen’s chest hard enough to make Jensen wince, and Chris raised an eyebrow. “And you can start with whatever the hell happened tonight.”
Jensen shrugged, tilting his head back to exhale another lung full of smoke into the fan. “So, we went out tonight to see your show and came by here for a drink before heading home for the night. Jared started talking about how he had to make a decision soon, how that start-up in Seattle wasn’t going to wait forever for him to give them an answer.”
“Oh, Jesus.” Chris wiped a hand over his face and looked at Jensen with pity. “Please tell me he didn’t call me to come pick up your sorry drunk ass from the bar because you can’t handle things like a grown-ass man. Please tell me that’s not why I had to ditch out on one of the best after-parties I’ve been to in years.”
“Hey now, I'm not the one who called you,” Jensen argued. He stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray and took a sip of his whiskey, waving Jean over. “I’m gonna take you up on that food if the offer still stands.”
“Sure thing, Jen. What can I get you to soak up some of that whiskey?” She pulled a wet rag from her apron and wiped the table down, motioning for Jensen to pass her his ashtray so she could swap it out for a clean one.
Chris gave her with an uncharacteristically sweet smile, and Jensen snorted. Chris had had a crush on Jean since high school but had never asked out the tough-as-nails girl for fear that she’d shoot him down.
“Surprise me? You know what I like,” Jensen said with a small smile, taking another sip.
“Gotcha.” She gave Chris and Chad an expectant look and took their orders as well. Chris watched her walk away and sighed quietly, turning back to Jensen.
“So. You were giving me a perfectly good reason why Jared told me I had to be here for you tonight?” The sudden change in demeanor was startling; gone was the sweet smile and soft look in Chris’s eyes, replaced with a clear determination to get to the bottom of the story.
Jensen internally cursed Chris’s stubborn streak but decided just to rip the bandage off and get it over with. “Jared and I have had a thing since I came back from the Army, right?” Chad snorted, and Jensen gave him a sharp look. “I’m sorry, am I not telling the story right?”
“Naw, man. Go ahead, you’re fine. It’s just that this started way before that, and you know it.” Chad said, pointing his beer bottle at Jensen.
Jensen raised his eyebrow in confusion, “No, we started fooling around a few months after I got back from Iraq for the last time. I think I’d know when it started since I was one of the people involved.”
Chris watched the two of them argue, his lips in a thin line. “I’m sorry, are you telling me that you’ve been fooling around with Jared on the side this whole time, and you thought no one knew?”
“I just… Wait, you knew?” Jensen stared at Chris, shocked. Chris stared back at him nonplussed, ice blue eyes steady on his.
“Dude, it’s not like you and Jay were subtle about it, sneaking off together every chance you got.” Chad barked a laugh, and Jensen glanced at him in horror. “Plus, any idiot could see the way he looked at you.”
Jensen lit another cigarette and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. He watched the drops of water from the ice-filled towel pooling on the table and running in small rivulets to the edge of the table, where they fell and puddled to the floor.
Closing his eyes, he remembered Jared that morning, waking up with pillow creases in his cheeks and hair in a crazy tangle but still the most beautiful thing Jensen had ever seen. Jared standing in the doorway of the bedroom with two cups of coffee, smiling that soft smile that was just for Jensen. Jared stretched out over him, holding his hands above his head as he ground into him slowly, lighting up every nerve in Jensen’s body like his very own Vegas light show. Kissing him softly and deeply, slowly like he had all the time in the world.
Fingers snapped in front of his face, and Jensen realized he’d been silent for a few minutes at least. He stubbed out his nearly cashed cigarette and motioned to Chris that he wanted to get out of the booth.
“Where do you think you’re going, Jen? You still haven’t told me what the fuck is going on, and I’m getting real confused here. What do you mean, fooling around with Jared? We all just assumed you were dating.” Chris quieted as he spotted Jean coming back check their drinks. He gave her a smile and a wink before turning back to Jensen. “If you think I’m going to let you just up and leave now, you’re an idiot.”
Jensen sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before being painfully reminded of the bruise he was now probably sporting. “Chris, I just need to stretch my legs a bit. I promise I’ll come back and tell you everything. And then maybe later, we can braid each other’s hair and paint our toenails!” He said sarcastically, trying to shove Chris bodily out of the booth. It was no use; the man was built like a brick wall, and all his struggling got him was a taunting expression on Chris’s face.
“Shouldn’t have skipped so many training days with me, huh?” Chris said, smirking.
“Shut up, asshole. Seriously, I just need to stand up and move around a bit. Give me five minutes and we’ll talk.”
“Sweet. That’ll give me time to go talk to those fine ladies that just walked in,” Chad agreed with a leer towards the group of women sitting in a booth a few feet from them.
“Chad, they’re clearly here for a bachelorette party. Leave the poor girls alone,” Jensen begged, standing from the booth and wincing as he stretched. His stomach rumbled, and the sound reminded him that he hadn’t eaten anything since before noon.
“Come on, man. It’ll be like fish in a barrel.” Chad stood and made his way to the group of girls before Chris or Jensen could stop him. They watched in shocked horror as Chad wasn’t immediately laughed away from the group.
“Good evening, ladies. Y’all are looking fine as hell tonight, and I just wanted to let you know that if any of you get bored with the candy dicks you’ve been sucking on all night, I’ve got something bigger for you to get your mouth around.”
The awful pickup line felt like it made the whole bar pause in awkward silence, then something that Jensen was convinced only happened in movies happened: The booth full of girls stared at Chad for a long moment before one of them burst out laughing, causing the rest of them to start laughing and Chad was ordered to sit with them.
Jensen stared in shock, and Chris chuckled beside him.
Jensen turned to see Chris ruefully wipe a hand down his face. “Chris,” He paused, rubbing a hand nervously on the back of his neck, “you know I didn’t intentionally keep anything from you, right? It all just happened so fast, and I’m still not exactly sure what happened. I just-”
Chris held up a hand and shook his head. “I’m gonna need more beer for this conversation, Jensen. I’m not saying I’m angry with you brother. And don’t think this isn’t some big homophobic meltdown because you know me better than that. I’m just having a tough time wrapping my mind around what exactly went down tonight, and I’m gonna need you to be honest with me, Jen. Can you do that?”
“Yeah, Chris. God, anything.” Jensen stared down at his feet, his eyes burning with tears he refused to let fall. The enormity of what he’d done suddenly occurred to him, and he took a shuddery breath. “I really fucked up, Chris. I don’t think this is gonna be something that can be fixed.”
Jean walked by, putting fresh drinks on their table and swapping out the ashtray for a fresh one. “Are you guys sure it’s okay to leave Mayhem over there with those girls without adult supervision,” she asked, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head to the group in question. The girls were now laughing loudly at something Chad was saying, and Chris shook his head.
“He’ll be alright. Anything that happens, he’ll probably deserve it.” He turned to Jean, throwing an arm around her shoulders casually. “Hey, sweetheart. Do you think you could keep the drinks coming tonight? Jenny boy’s had a rough one, and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long night.”
“Will do, as long as you take his keys and give them to me first. That boy is in no condition to drive, and I was going to call him a cab before you and Mayhem showed up tonight.” Jean threw a worried glance at Jensen before turning back to Chris, smiling softly and brushing her brown hair back behind her ear. It was streaked with gray now, but Chris could remember when it was a different color every month. He knew she hated it now, but Chris thought it made her look a bit like Rogue from the X-Men, even if he’d die before telling her that and risking her laughing it off.
“Done. I’ll give ‘em to you when you drop off the food. Thanks, Jean. I really appreciate it,” Chris said, quickly dropping a kiss on her forehead before sitting back down at the booth. “Alright, Jensen. No more putting this off. Sit down and tell me what the hell is going on.” Chris pointed at the other side of the booth, and Jensen sat down after throwing an amused smile at Jean.
“You’re like a damn dog with a bone, man.” Jensen reached into his jacket pocket and took out the pack of cigarettes, putting them on the table between the two of them. Taking one out, he lit it and took a deep drag before exhaling slowly towards the ceiling. “Alright, so what do you know? Or, where do you want me to start?”
“Start wherever you want to, man. What happened tonight? And what the hell has been going on with you the last few weeks? You’ve been acting really fucking shady.” Chris tipped his fresh bottle towards Jensen, and Jensen clinked his rocks glass against it.
“Alright, so you know how Jared went to the same high school as us?”
“Yeah, I remember having a couple classes with his older brother Jeff. What does that have to do with anything?”
“And do you remember that last show we did before I shipped off? At that house in Downers Grove?”
“Hold on a second, Jensen. Are you telling me this has been going on since high school?” Chris narrowed his eyes, thinking back to that night and the gig they’d played.
Chad slid into the booth next to Chris, face covered in lipstick marks, and Jensen had to bite back a laugh. “Dude, what happened to you?” Chris looked to the side and chuckled.
“Man, you guys are just jealous of The Chad’s game.” Chad wiggled his eyebrows, and Jensen burst into laughter again.
“Sure, Chad. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Jensen shook his head and exhaled slowly. “So, are we gonna do this thing or not?”
“It’s your show, Jenny. Mayhem and I are just here to play Adam and Dr. Drew to your long-time listener, first-time caller,” Chris drawled, making Jensen suddenly long for the days of coming home late from shows and catching the last few minutes of Loveline on Q101.
“So, like I was saying. Jared and I bumped into each other that night after the show was over, and I ended up finding out the kid had had a crush on me for most of high school.” Chad snorted into his beer, and Jensen narrowed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Chad. Is there something you want to say?”
“I wouldn’t say it was a crush, exactly. Just that he thought you were the greatest thing since Pearl Jam, man. He’d had a crush on you since Jeff brought you home for a school project your junior year, and you were totally fucking oblivious.”
“I… What? He was what, a freshman then?” Jensen shuddered. “Man, I was a junior. You can’t seriously have expected me to have noticed Jay then.”
“He did,” Chad smirked, and stole a cigarette from the pack Jensen had absentmindedly left open on the table between them. “Also, I do declare that pack to be community property, bitch.”
“Community property? Really? Chad, we haven’t had that rule in years. You’re a grown man now. You can’t walk down to the 7-11 and get your own cigarettes?” Chris asked, snatching the pack from Chad’s hands.
“Hey, dickbutt. Rules are rules. Jensen left the pack on the table for 10 minutes; that means they’re fair game. We run out, I’ll get another pack, and that one will be community property too. Fair?”
“Whatever, man. So, what you’re saying is this has been going on for a while? And no one thought to clue me in?” Chris said gruffly, and Jensen glanced over to see Chris clenching and unclenching his fists under the table. Jensen reached over and rested his left hand on Chris’s fist, squeezing gently.
“Chris, you know I didn’t intentionally keep any of this from you. It’s just… fucking complicated. Like I said, things started that night at the party in Downers Grove, but it took a few years to really happen.”
“And clearly, if we let you tell the story, it’s going to take that long to tell it.” Chad interrupted. He drank the rest of his beer, then burped loudly, looking pleased with himself.
“Okay then, asshole. If you think you can tell it better, then please do.” Jensen said, leaning back in the booth.
“Alright, bitches. Sit back and get comfortable, because The Chad is about to tell you how the epic love story of Padackles came to be.”