Femininity and Parenting
The original LJ date for this essay was 8 June, 2011. But I wrote it a bit before then, as you can tell by the opening lines. In any case, this is the Facebook version from 1 August, 2011.
Today, I was involved in a very interesting conversation on Facebook. At first, it related to the royal wedding and women who remain feminine. While I'm not a lesbian or transgendered, I'm also not into feminine things. I never played with dolls and don't wear dresses, heels or makeup. I'm not saying that other women shouldn't, it's just not for me. But neither do I consider myself to be a feminist. I certainly believe in women's rights but I don't hate men, think they're against us or demand special treatment just because I'm a woman.
Then, we started talking about chivelry. I, for one, don't like when men open doors, pull out chairs and so on just because I'm a woman. But I think part of it is also because I'm blind and feel as if they're treating me as if I can't do things for myself. I know most are probably just doing it to be nice, but most also wouldn't do these things for men, and so we have a double standard. The same goes for paying for meals. While it's certainly nice to have a man pay for my food, it also couldn't hurt to go half and half or to let me pay when I can, just to be fair. Why should he always have to pay? On the same token, why shouldn't he do the dishes sometimes and help out around the house? Mine does. One of the participents in the conversation said that she likes to be treated like a woman. I like to be treated like a human being.
All that said, I do think that there's a place, in everyone's life, for certain things which many consider to be feminine or which were traditionally done in the home by females. I adore cooking, crafts and don't mind housework. Then, we got to the heart of the discussion, children and the home. I don't agree with women having careers and then choosing to have children while still working at said career. Either do one or the other, unless your partner makes more than you and can stay home with them. But someone, whether man or woman (if we're talking heterosexuals), needs to stay home with the children until they're old enough to go to school. It was pointed out that not all families are healthy and happy and that there are situations in which the children should be moved to a more suitable environment. I completely agree with this. If a parent stays home but is bad to the child, said child needs to be taken away. And of course, the parent's happiness is important. That's why, sometimes, it's good for the couple to get away and leave the child with a trusted family member or very good friend. But they can't be expected to take the children all the time, and sadly, I know of too many situations in which this happens. Whatever happened to family time? There are many things which can be enjoyable for both parents and children.
Having a child is a great responsibility, and people shouldn't do it unless they're willing to put in the work and sacrifice. This is why, most of the time, I advise against extremely young people (teens and early 20's) becoming parents. Gone are the days of going out whenever, having sex whenever, sleeping in etc. This is also one of the many reasons why I've chosen not to have children. I want to live first, and then, maybe, I'll adopt. Being a parent is a full-time job on it's own. If you want a career that badly after your child is in school, don't have another one. Notice that I didn't say don't work at home or don't take a light job. For some, even if they have a child when financially stable, it may become necessary to work. This is especially true if they become single parents. But there's a difference between that and having a full-time career where you're hardly ever home and/or have to work overtime etc. Then, there are the rich who leave their children with nannies and other caregivers. How can they expect their children to confide in them and to have a loving relationship with them if they're never home? For the middle class who may work long hours, when they are home, there's a high chance that they'll be too tired to do more than make food, spend a little time with their children and then go to bed. One person, who worked in daycare, said that she knew a few women who were happier working than staying home with their children. I'm sorry, but they shouldn't have had them. Obviously, work made them happier than their children, since they willingly put them in the hands of strangers instead of taking care of themselves. There's a problem here.
Too many young people today have no guidance, no parental closeness/quality time, no trust and no values that should start at home. They view their parents as merely friends, as enemies or they're just plain indifferent. Others feel that they can't trust their parents with secrets or ask them important things. So they often tell friends and get bad advice or get into trouble (I'm especially thinking of sex here). Instead of being firm but loving, some parents let their children run amok and others are actually afraid of them! What kind of life is that? Then, people complain about the young? Where are they supposed to get their discipline and respect if it doesn't begin at home? Yes, school and socialisation helps, but teachers cannot and should never be expected to fill the roles of parents. Things are falling apart, and my fear is that if some traditional values don't return soon, there won't be anything left for the next generation.
Today, I was involved in a very interesting conversation on Facebook. At first, it related to the royal wedding and women who remain feminine. While I'm not a lesbian or transgendered, I'm also not into feminine things. I never played with dolls and don't wear dresses, heels or makeup. I'm not saying that other women shouldn't, it's just not for me. But neither do I consider myself to be a feminist. I certainly believe in women's rights but I don't hate men, think they're against us or demand special treatment just because I'm a woman.
Then, we started talking about chivelry. I, for one, don't like when men open doors, pull out chairs and so on just because I'm a woman. But I think part of it is also because I'm blind and feel as if they're treating me as if I can't do things for myself. I know most are probably just doing it to be nice, but most also wouldn't do these things for men, and so we have a double standard. The same goes for paying for meals. While it's certainly nice to have a man pay for my food, it also couldn't hurt to go half and half or to let me pay when I can, just to be fair. Why should he always have to pay? On the same token, why shouldn't he do the dishes sometimes and help out around the house? Mine does. One of the participents in the conversation said that she likes to be treated like a woman. I like to be treated like a human being.
All that said, I do think that there's a place, in everyone's life, for certain things which many consider to be feminine or which were traditionally done in the home by females. I adore cooking, crafts and don't mind housework. Then, we got to the heart of the discussion, children and the home. I don't agree with women having careers and then choosing to have children while still working at said career. Either do one or the other, unless your partner makes more than you and can stay home with them. But someone, whether man or woman (if we're talking heterosexuals), needs to stay home with the children until they're old enough to go to school. It was pointed out that not all families are healthy and happy and that there are situations in which the children should be moved to a more suitable environment. I completely agree with this. If a parent stays home but is bad to the child, said child needs to be taken away. And of course, the parent's happiness is important. That's why, sometimes, it's good for the couple to get away and leave the child with a trusted family member or very good friend. But they can't be expected to take the children all the time, and sadly, I know of too many situations in which this happens. Whatever happened to family time? There are many things which can be enjoyable for both parents and children.
Having a child is a great responsibility, and people shouldn't do it unless they're willing to put in the work and sacrifice. This is why, most of the time, I advise against extremely young people (teens and early 20's) becoming parents. Gone are the days of going out whenever, having sex whenever, sleeping in etc. This is also one of the many reasons why I've chosen not to have children. I want to live first, and then, maybe, I'll adopt. Being a parent is a full-time job on it's own. If you want a career that badly after your child is in school, don't have another one. Notice that I didn't say don't work at home or don't take a light job. For some, even if they have a child when financially stable, it may become necessary to work. This is especially true if they become single parents. But there's a difference between that and having a full-time career where you're hardly ever home and/or have to work overtime etc. Then, there are the rich who leave their children with nannies and other caregivers. How can they expect their children to confide in them and to have a loving relationship with them if they're never home? For the middle class who may work long hours, when they are home, there's a high chance that they'll be too tired to do more than make food, spend a little time with their children and then go to bed. One person, who worked in daycare, said that she knew a few women who were happier working than staying home with their children. I'm sorry, but they shouldn't have had them. Obviously, work made them happier than their children, since they willingly put them in the hands of strangers instead of taking care of themselves. There's a problem here.
Too many young people today have no guidance, no parental closeness/quality time, no trust and no values that should start at home. They view their parents as merely friends, as enemies or they're just plain indifferent. Others feel that they can't trust their parents with secrets or ask them important things. So they often tell friends and get bad advice or get into trouble (I'm especially thinking of sex here). Instead of being firm but loving, some parents let their children run amok and others are actually afraid of them! What kind of life is that? Then, people complain about the young? Where are they supposed to get their discipline and respect if it doesn't begin at home? Yes, school and socialisation helps, but teachers cannot and should never be expected to fill the roles of parents. Things are falling apart, and my fear is that if some traditional values don't return soon, there won't be anything left for the next generation.