It's been a year...
"Doing what is right is easy. Knowing what's right is the hard part." -LBJ
"People will do what causes them the least guilt and harm, every single time." -RAH
Last year, on this day, I stopped believing in the concept of "guilty pleasures." I was looking at Mat's computer, and he had Toad The Wet Sprocket's "All I Want" on it- I'd heard the song exactly twice since I was 6 years old, and I still remembered it, but felt embarrassed to mention it (and he, to make up for being embarrassed to have it, gave me shit for three days straight for liking such a silly song). After a minute's thought, though, I couldn't figure any reason I should have been embarrassed- I was too young to have formed a good opinion, the 80's had a lot of good music despite the bad rap. I listened to it and loved it just as much as I used to.
I didn't realize I'd made a change in myself for months. When I saw one some obscure alt-rock lyrics in a buddy's away message, and I realized I'd never mentioned them to him, I didn't suddenly like the band/song less for being less cool, I thought "hunh... maybe he's got better taste then he lets on..." The song, by the way, was Twilight Singers' "Bonnie Brae" off their pretty damn cool Powder Burns Album. And I was able to admit I hated The Sex Pistols, people who leave the faucet on when they're brushing their teeth, and how much Dan's personality tends to resemble that of a narcoleptic mushroom when there's >=5 people in the room.
I'm still occasionally feel guilty over some things I do- like publicly impugning Fluffy as I did last sentence (though I've told him this fact before, and he agrees with it when he's not already angry at something), excusing myself to go to the gym (everybody knows I do it, but it should be lower priority than friends and is there 17 hours a day), or skipping my least-loved class (no excuses). But never embarrassed, because it's honest. I can dress or have my hair as I please without feeling like I should hide who I am. I rarely even feel a pang of conscience over ignoring people who've ostracized me. I get into (on average) one argument a day with my mother whenever she's around because I like my friends, and won't let her feed my paranoia enough to make me re-create sophomore year. I still get used a lot, but now it's by my choice of people, and if they're hot I can casually enjoy staring instead of taking furtive glances; which, oddly enough, they seem more alright with. And if they're not comfortable with our bargain, hey, their loss, they should actually do something to make me consider them a friend if they expect something from the goodness of my heart.
I don't want absolute certainty that what I do is right- that's basically the definition of a sociopath, and even when I agree with someone it pisses me off to hear that they're so closed-minded. But I'm still proud that I've learned enough to trust myself and know when someone or something is merely a cancer on my life. And the best part is, I can still deal with that cancer fairly and not get polluted, because I'm not embarrassed enough to keep second-guessing myself and letting anyone & everyone's opinion override mine. But I don't feel obliged to do it because "it's the grown-up thing to do" or "it'll make your friend's life easier." That'd be the spineless pushover thing to do, and a friend won't ask you to hurt yourself and be their little whore just to make their lives a bit easier. Mature folk might pick their battles, but they've (we've?) still got the cojones to occasionally fight. And I have people here who are unambiguously friends and have stood up for me when a someone tried to force them to choose between "keeping the peace with our buddies" and "doing what's right."
I've just taken a long, slow step towards honesty. And it all started by admitting I liked an 80's pop song.
"People will do what causes them the least guilt and harm, every single time." -RAH
Last year, on this day, I stopped believing in the concept of "guilty pleasures." I was looking at Mat's computer, and he had Toad The Wet Sprocket's "All I Want" on it- I'd heard the song exactly twice since I was 6 years old, and I still remembered it, but felt embarrassed to mention it (and he, to make up for being embarrassed to have it, gave me shit for three days straight for liking such a silly song). After a minute's thought, though, I couldn't figure any reason I should have been embarrassed- I was too young to have formed a good opinion, the 80's had a lot of good music despite the bad rap. I listened to it and loved it just as much as I used to.
I didn't realize I'd made a change in myself for months. When I saw one some obscure alt-rock lyrics in a buddy's away message, and I realized I'd never mentioned them to him, I didn't suddenly like the band/song less for being less cool, I thought "hunh... maybe he's got better taste then he lets on..." The song, by the way, was Twilight Singers' "Bonnie Brae" off their pretty damn cool Powder Burns Album. And I was able to admit I hated The Sex Pistols, people who leave the faucet on when they're brushing their teeth, and how much Dan's personality tends to resemble that of a narcoleptic mushroom when there's >=5 people in the room.
I'm still occasionally feel guilty over some things I do- like publicly impugning Fluffy as I did last sentence (though I've told him this fact before, and he agrees with it when he's not already angry at something), excusing myself to go to the gym (everybody knows I do it, but it should be lower priority than friends and is there 17 hours a day), or skipping my least-loved class (no excuses). But never embarrassed, because it's honest. I can dress or have my hair as I please without feeling like I should hide who I am. I rarely even feel a pang of conscience over ignoring people who've ostracized me. I get into (on average) one argument a day with my mother whenever she's around because I like my friends, and won't let her feed my paranoia enough to make me re-create sophomore year. I still get used a lot, but now it's by my choice of people, and if they're hot I can casually enjoy staring instead of taking furtive glances; which, oddly enough, they seem more alright with. And if they're not comfortable with our bargain, hey, their loss, they should actually do something to make me consider them a friend if they expect something from the goodness of my heart.
I don't want absolute certainty that what I do is right- that's basically the definition of a sociopath, and even when I agree with someone it pisses me off to hear that they're so closed-minded. But I'm still proud that I've learned enough to trust myself and know when someone or something is merely a cancer on my life. And the best part is, I can still deal with that cancer fairly and not get polluted, because I'm not embarrassed enough to keep second-guessing myself and letting anyone & everyone's opinion override mine. But I don't feel obliged to do it because "it's the grown-up thing to do" or "it'll make your friend's life easier." That'd be the spineless pushover thing to do, and a friend won't ask you to hurt yourself and be their little whore just to make their lives a bit easier. Mature folk might pick their battles, but they've (we've?) still got the cojones to occasionally fight. And I have people here who are unambiguously friends and have stood up for me when a someone tried to force them to choose between "keeping the peace with our buddies" and "doing what's right."
I've just taken a long, slow step towards honesty. And it all started by admitting I liked an 80's pop song.