Tide Turning Endlessly - Some Things Are Meant to Be, Supernatural, Slash, R
Title: Tide Turning Endlessly
Series: Some Things Are Meant to Be
Author:
thelonejuliet
Character/Pairing: Sam, Dean
Word Count: 2,345
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, mentions of incest
Disclaimer: I don't own them...they totally own me.
Summary: This installment - Sam's jealousy finally comes out and Dean's, obviously, not thrilled.
Spoilers: There aren't any, that I can recall....
Author's Notes: Thanks to my darling
tempestquill for beta-ing this for me!
Also, this was supposed to be a simple story, but the boys didn't like that idea too much!! I've started writing the second part, so PLEASE let me know what you think of this one!! Feedback is love. *grin*
The title of this story/series comes from the song "Some Things are Meant to Be" from the musical, Little Women. Lyrics found here.
Tide Turning Endlessly
“So…that girl, at the bar… You wanted to fuck her, didn’t you?”
Dean whipped his head around so fast he seriously considered the possibility of having just given himself whiplash. He stopped trying to open the door to the motel room and just stared at his brother, not sure if he should be shocked or just pissed. Sam was jealous? Honestly? Oh, please. Since the first time he’d had confirmation that his brother wanted him too, there hadn’t even been a thought of anyone else. Sam was everything to him, had always been everything. And, when the more intimate aspect of their relationship was added into the mix, any need for anything or anyone else had disappeared entirely.
He thought that he’d made Sam see that. But, the doubt that had always slept in the back of his mind was slowly awakening. Thoughts like maybe he thinks this is just sex and oh God, what if he honestly thinks I don’t love him? began creeping into the forefront of his brain. He never wanted to hurt his brother, and the chance that Sam might think that Dean wasn’t really invested in this was too much for him to bear.
Sam, for his part, just stood there and waited for some reaction. He was furious, even though he’d be the first to admit that he may have had no right to be. When his “relationship” with his brother first started, there were no rules laid down. They didn’t discuss whether or not they were going to be exclusive, a fact that Sam was now kicking himself for. The first time that he looked into his brother’s eyes as he came, he knew that he wanted to be the only one that got to see that beautiful man like that, forever. He loved Dean. He was in love with Dean, for Christ’s sake. And that had to mean something. For both of them.
“Sammy…where is this coming from?” was the only thing that Dean could think to say, without pissing his brother off even more. Innocence seemed to be the way to go at the moment, even though he knew damned well what girl was being referred to.
While he’d been cheating the locals out of their hard-earned money at the pool table, this blonde woman had sauntered up to him with one thing on her mind. After a few minutes of meaningless flirting, she had offered him the most mind-blowing sex of his life - her words, not his - and now Sam was pissed about it. The ironic thing about the situation that he was now finding himself in was that when the blonde had leaned over, not-so-subtly brushing her chest against his arm, and whispered her proposition in his ear, the only thing he could think was You’re not Sam.
Now, he could literally see Sam’s eyes flash with fury at his simple question. But the faint moonlight also allowed him to see the deeper emotion behind it - Sam was obviously hurt. The guilt that he felt wrenching his heart at the sight was also slowly driving anger slowly into his blood. He hadn’t made any promises. This wasn’t a marriage; Sam was his brother. While their interaction had changed drastically and they’d not only crossed “the line” but blasted it with fifty pounds of dynamite, there was always the possibility that one or both of them would find a girl.
Whether it was for meaningless sex or a white picket fence and a mini van didn’t matter. He knew that this…thing…was the last thing he’d ever want, but that didn’t give Sam the right to just assume anything.
As Dean turned again to unlock the door, Sam could see where this situation was heading, even without psychic visions. He’d known Dean his entire life and knew how to read him, down to a T. He could practically feel the tension that was beginning to radiate off of his brother and he was unexpectedly sorry that he had even brought it up. But, he wasn’t stopping now; Dean needed to know how he felt. And he needed to tell his brother what he wanted, what he’d always wanted - Dean. In a world where it seemed everybody that mattered was ripped away from him, his brother was the constant presence, the constant source of strength and knowledge and love.
He wanted to lay a claim on Dean, and be claimed as well. For all intents and purposes, he may as well have wanted to propose. And, even if this conversation turned into a knockdown, drag-out fight, at least the knowledge would be out there. That was the most important thing. Nothing could happen, they couldn’t move forward, until Dean knew what was going on.
Which is why he kept pushing, even though he knew he was pushing too hard. As soon as they were both inside the room, Sam turned and slammed the door so hard the mirror, hanging securely above the dresser, rattled. He grabbed the older man’s arm and spun him around so that they were face to face. He could see the no-nonsense look on Dean’s face, and in his current state, he wasn’t sure he even cared. But, before he could even open his mouth, Dean spoke.
“Sam, I’m not sure why this jealousy shtick is suddenly popping up, but I am positive that I don’t like it. If you can’t trust me, man, then maybe we shouldn’t be doing this,” Dean spat out, before he lost his nerve.
If he was being honest with himself, losing what he had with Sammy was an event that would very likely kill him. He’d gotten too wrapped up in the other man to even begin to guess where one ended and the other began. His sense of identity was Sam’s Brother, Sam’s Protector, Sam’s Lover. Put simply, he lived for Sam. And losing him would be like a surgeon losing his hands. He wouldn’t be able to function without his brother by his side. The work he’d done all his life would just be meaningless without someone, Sam, to share it with. But, sometimes he wondered if maybe they weren’t better off as strictly brothers.
Sam loosened his grip and took a step back, in a weak attempt to collect some composure in the face of what Dean had just implied. Everything he’d been feeling just seconds before had suddenly dissipated; all the jealousy and anger was quickly replaced with a deep-seated fear. Fear of losing Dean, losing the one person that he had left…the one person that he’d loved all of his life. He had no idea that his being a little jealous would spark a comment like that. He began to think that if wanting Dean all to himself would mean losing Dean, then he’d gladly share him with the whole goddamn world.
“Dean…no, you can’t really mean that,” he managed to force out of his suddenly dry throat, trying to make his voice as steady as possible. “That would be…I mean…No. Dean. We can’t just…stop.”
“Sammy.” Dean’s voice broke pathetically on the word.
The anger that had flared up was still present and still simmering, but the sadness that the thought of losing Sam provoked was fiercely battling for dominance. He knew he needed to keep strong. If Sam saw that he was losing it, then anything he said wouldn’t hold the heat that he intended. He wanted to give his brother an out, and he knew that the chance wouldn’t even be considered if Sam saw him falling apart at the prospect.
So, he sucked it up, cleared his throat, and tried again. “I can’t have you flipping out on me like this over nothing. You’ve seen me flirt with hundreds of women all across the country. And I’ve always come back here, with you. No rendezvous in the back room, no quick fucks in the back alley. Just. You.”
As he continued, he could feel the anger making his head swim and his pulse race. The words began to pour out of him; he couldn’t stop himself even if he had wanted to. “And, if that’s not good enough for ya man, then I don’t know what is. What do you expect me to do, Sam? Part of this job is making nice with the townsfolk. We gotta get information out of them, and it’s not going to be very easy if we’ve already got a reputation of being the snobby tourists. You know how this works! For God’s sake, Sam! I’ve seen you do the same thing a thousand times! And you have the nerve to get mad at me? For indulging in a few minutes of conversation with some random girl? You really wanna know the truth, Sam? Yes. Okay? Yeah, I wanted her. I wanted to take her out back and slam into her so hard that she’d feel me for a week. But, I didn’t. And, do you know why? Because of you, Sam. Because I fucking love you.”
Sam remained quiet through Dean’s entire tirade, at a complete loss for words. He’d never seen Dean this worked up, especially not over “them.” As he stood staring, he took in the wild look in his brother’s eyes; he was breathing heavily and there was an air of desperation about him that Sam wasn’t quite sure how to handle. He knew that there was a delicate balance to the situation and if the wrong words came out of his mouth next, anything could happen. He could pull Dean back in, or push him away with a single sentence. He just couldn’t decide on the words that would make them okay.
There was no telling how long he stood there before Dean took the choice away from him.
With a slight nod to himself, Dean moved over to the bed to pick up the keys that he’d thrown down when he walked in. Having never taken off his jacket, he walked back over to the door, not daring to spare a glance at Sam. With his hand on the doorknob, he paused. Sighing heavily, he felt the tension drain from his body and the exhaustion take over. Not wanting to worry Sam any more than he already had he said, “I’m going out. Somewhere. I’ll…I’ll walk…and leave the car in case you need it. I shouldn’t be gone more than a few hours…”
He trailed off, wanting to say so much and not being able to sum up the courage. He knew that all he had to do was turn around and kiss his younger brother and everything - the girl, the words he’d said - would be forgiven. But, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He needed to sort some things out, figure out a better way to handle the situation; figure out a better way to handle Sam. Now that he’d spoken his thoughts and fears aloud, he had to figure out which way he wanted to go - stay in the screwed up relationship with his brother and have a semblance of happiness, or try to go back to being brothers, put his feelings back into the depths of his heart where they’d lived for so many years, and try to clean up they mess they’d made.
Without waiting for Sam to give an audible answer, Dean walked out the door. There was a bar a couple blocks from the motel, and he decided it was a better choice, seeing as how it would be wise to steer clear of the one they’d been at earlier. That way, if Sam decided to go snooping the next day, the bartender could honestly tell him that Dean hadn’t come back after the two of them had left.
Sam nodded even though he knew Dean wouldn’t see it. There was just nothing for him to say. Dean needed to go out and clear his head. And, while Sam wasn’t sure what that entailed, he let him go. He needed to think a few things out himself - like how to convince Dean that he didn’t really mean what he’d said; because there was no way that he wanted to end it between them. Sam knew that Dean loved him, just as much as he loved Dean, and he flat-out refused to believe that Dean would want this to come to an end, no matter how screwed up it was. It was Them. He just needed to figure out how to make Dean see that.
* * *
Dean pulled his jacket tighter around him and tried to clear his thoughts. He had no idea what had possessed him to say those things to Sammy. He didn’t want to end things between them. He could never want that. What he and Sam had together wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But, it was Them. They needed and wanted and loved each other. So what if society deemed it dirty, or wrong? They had each other, someone that loved them despite everything and that was more than most of the human race could claim.
In the end, he knew that they’d be all right. He would walk into this bar and have a beer or three, and walk back into Sam’s open arms. No matter how long or hard he thought about it, he was sure that he’d never be able to say goodbye to Sam. Pretty sure, anyway. Sam was his Everything - just as Dean was starting to become Sam’s. But, he needed to do the right thing.
He had never doubted his brother’s love for him, or his acceptance or his forgiveness. Sam would always be there for him. He knew this just as surely as he knew that the sun would rise tomorrow, or that the grass was going to continue to grow. Some things just were, and you couldn’t fight the tide.
But, he owed it to Sam to figure things out, for the both of them. And, what that would involve was anybody’s guess.
2nd Story in this 'Verse - All My Life, I've Lived for Loving You...
3rd Story - ...Let Me Go Now
4th Story - The Promise of Who You Are
* * * * * * *
Let me know what you think!! I need to feed those little plot bunnies!
Series: Some Things Are Meant to Be
Author:
thelonejuliet
Character/Pairing: Sam, Dean
Word Count: 2,345
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, mentions of incest
Disclaimer: I don't own them...they totally own me.
Summary: This installment - Sam's jealousy finally comes out and Dean's, obviously, not thrilled.
Spoilers: There aren't any, that I can recall....
Author's Notes: Thanks to my darling
tempestquill for beta-ing this for me!
Also, this was supposed to be a simple story, but the boys didn't like that idea too much!! I've started writing the second part, so PLEASE let me know what you think of this one!! Feedback is love. *grin*
The title of this story/series comes from the song "Some Things are Meant to Be" from the musical, Little Women. Lyrics found here.
Tide Turning Endlessly
“So…that girl, at the bar… You wanted to fuck her, didn’t you?”
Dean whipped his head around so fast he seriously considered the possibility of having just given himself whiplash. He stopped trying to open the door to the motel room and just stared at his brother, not sure if he should be shocked or just pissed. Sam was jealous? Honestly? Oh, please. Since the first time he’d had confirmation that his brother wanted him too, there hadn’t even been a thought of anyone else. Sam was everything to him, had always been everything. And, when the more intimate aspect of their relationship was added into the mix, any need for anything or anyone else had disappeared entirely.
He thought that he’d made Sam see that. But, the doubt that had always slept in the back of his mind was slowly awakening. Thoughts like maybe he thinks this is just sex and oh God, what if he honestly thinks I don’t love him? began creeping into the forefront of his brain. He never wanted to hurt his brother, and the chance that Sam might think that Dean wasn’t really invested in this was too much for him to bear.
Sam, for his part, just stood there and waited for some reaction. He was furious, even though he’d be the first to admit that he may have had no right to be. When his “relationship” with his brother first started, there were no rules laid down. They didn’t discuss whether or not they were going to be exclusive, a fact that Sam was now kicking himself for. The first time that he looked into his brother’s eyes as he came, he knew that he wanted to be the only one that got to see that beautiful man like that, forever. He loved Dean. He was in love with Dean, for Christ’s sake. And that had to mean something. For both of them.
“Sammy…where is this coming from?” was the only thing that Dean could think to say, without pissing his brother off even more. Innocence seemed to be the way to go at the moment, even though he knew damned well what girl was being referred to.
While he’d been cheating the locals out of their hard-earned money at the pool table, this blonde woman had sauntered up to him with one thing on her mind. After a few minutes of meaningless flirting, she had offered him the most mind-blowing sex of his life - her words, not his - and now Sam was pissed about it. The ironic thing about the situation that he was now finding himself in was that when the blonde had leaned over, not-so-subtly brushing her chest against his arm, and whispered her proposition in his ear, the only thing he could think was You’re not Sam.
Now, he could literally see Sam’s eyes flash with fury at his simple question. But the faint moonlight also allowed him to see the deeper emotion behind it - Sam was obviously hurt. The guilt that he felt wrenching his heart at the sight was also slowly driving anger slowly into his blood. He hadn’t made any promises. This wasn’t a marriage; Sam was his brother. While their interaction had changed drastically and they’d not only crossed “the line” but blasted it with fifty pounds of dynamite, there was always the possibility that one or both of them would find a girl.
Whether it was for meaningless sex or a white picket fence and a mini van didn’t matter. He knew that this…thing…was the last thing he’d ever want, but that didn’t give Sam the right to just assume anything.
As Dean turned again to unlock the door, Sam could see where this situation was heading, even without psychic visions. He’d known Dean his entire life and knew how to read him, down to a T. He could practically feel the tension that was beginning to radiate off of his brother and he was unexpectedly sorry that he had even brought it up. But, he wasn’t stopping now; Dean needed to know how he felt. And he needed to tell his brother what he wanted, what he’d always wanted - Dean. In a world where it seemed everybody that mattered was ripped away from him, his brother was the constant presence, the constant source of strength and knowledge and love.
He wanted to lay a claim on Dean, and be claimed as well. For all intents and purposes, he may as well have wanted to propose. And, even if this conversation turned into a knockdown, drag-out fight, at least the knowledge would be out there. That was the most important thing. Nothing could happen, they couldn’t move forward, until Dean knew what was going on.
Which is why he kept pushing, even though he knew he was pushing too hard. As soon as they were both inside the room, Sam turned and slammed the door so hard the mirror, hanging securely above the dresser, rattled. He grabbed the older man’s arm and spun him around so that they were face to face. He could see the no-nonsense look on Dean’s face, and in his current state, he wasn’t sure he even cared. But, before he could even open his mouth, Dean spoke.
“Sam, I’m not sure why this jealousy shtick is suddenly popping up, but I am positive that I don’t like it. If you can’t trust me, man, then maybe we shouldn’t be doing this,” Dean spat out, before he lost his nerve.
If he was being honest with himself, losing what he had with Sammy was an event that would very likely kill him. He’d gotten too wrapped up in the other man to even begin to guess where one ended and the other began. His sense of identity was Sam’s Brother, Sam’s Protector, Sam’s Lover. Put simply, he lived for Sam. And losing him would be like a surgeon losing his hands. He wouldn’t be able to function without his brother by his side. The work he’d done all his life would just be meaningless without someone, Sam, to share it with. But, sometimes he wondered if maybe they weren’t better off as strictly brothers.
Sam loosened his grip and took a step back, in a weak attempt to collect some composure in the face of what Dean had just implied. Everything he’d been feeling just seconds before had suddenly dissipated; all the jealousy and anger was quickly replaced with a deep-seated fear. Fear of losing Dean, losing the one person that he had left…the one person that he’d loved all of his life. He had no idea that his being a little jealous would spark a comment like that. He began to think that if wanting Dean all to himself would mean losing Dean, then he’d gladly share him with the whole goddamn world.
“Dean…no, you can’t really mean that,” he managed to force out of his suddenly dry throat, trying to make his voice as steady as possible. “That would be…I mean…No. Dean. We can’t just…stop.”
“Sammy.” Dean’s voice broke pathetically on the word.
The anger that had flared up was still present and still simmering, but the sadness that the thought of losing Sam provoked was fiercely battling for dominance. He knew he needed to keep strong. If Sam saw that he was losing it, then anything he said wouldn’t hold the heat that he intended. He wanted to give his brother an out, and he knew that the chance wouldn’t even be considered if Sam saw him falling apart at the prospect.
So, he sucked it up, cleared his throat, and tried again. “I can’t have you flipping out on me like this over nothing. You’ve seen me flirt with hundreds of women all across the country. And I’ve always come back here, with you. No rendezvous in the back room, no quick fucks in the back alley. Just. You.”
As he continued, he could feel the anger making his head swim and his pulse race. The words began to pour out of him; he couldn’t stop himself even if he had wanted to. “And, if that’s not good enough for ya man, then I don’t know what is. What do you expect me to do, Sam? Part of this job is making nice with the townsfolk. We gotta get information out of them, and it’s not going to be very easy if we’ve already got a reputation of being the snobby tourists. You know how this works! For God’s sake, Sam! I’ve seen you do the same thing a thousand times! And you have the nerve to get mad at me? For indulging in a few minutes of conversation with some random girl? You really wanna know the truth, Sam? Yes. Okay? Yeah, I wanted her. I wanted to take her out back and slam into her so hard that she’d feel me for a week. But, I didn’t. And, do you know why? Because of you, Sam. Because I fucking love you.”
Sam remained quiet through Dean’s entire tirade, at a complete loss for words. He’d never seen Dean this worked up, especially not over “them.” As he stood staring, he took in the wild look in his brother’s eyes; he was breathing heavily and there was an air of desperation about him that Sam wasn’t quite sure how to handle. He knew that there was a delicate balance to the situation and if the wrong words came out of his mouth next, anything could happen. He could pull Dean back in, or push him away with a single sentence. He just couldn’t decide on the words that would make them okay.
There was no telling how long he stood there before Dean took the choice away from him.
With a slight nod to himself, Dean moved over to the bed to pick up the keys that he’d thrown down when he walked in. Having never taken off his jacket, he walked back over to the door, not daring to spare a glance at Sam. With his hand on the doorknob, he paused. Sighing heavily, he felt the tension drain from his body and the exhaustion take over. Not wanting to worry Sam any more than he already had he said, “I’m going out. Somewhere. I’ll…I’ll walk…and leave the car in case you need it. I shouldn’t be gone more than a few hours…”
He trailed off, wanting to say so much and not being able to sum up the courage. He knew that all he had to do was turn around and kiss his younger brother and everything - the girl, the words he’d said - would be forgiven. But, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He needed to sort some things out, figure out a better way to handle the situation; figure out a better way to handle Sam. Now that he’d spoken his thoughts and fears aloud, he had to figure out which way he wanted to go - stay in the screwed up relationship with his brother and have a semblance of happiness, or try to go back to being brothers, put his feelings back into the depths of his heart where they’d lived for so many years, and try to clean up they mess they’d made.
Without waiting for Sam to give an audible answer, Dean walked out the door. There was a bar a couple blocks from the motel, and he decided it was a better choice, seeing as how it would be wise to steer clear of the one they’d been at earlier. That way, if Sam decided to go snooping the next day, the bartender could honestly tell him that Dean hadn’t come back after the two of them had left.
Sam nodded even though he knew Dean wouldn’t see it. There was just nothing for him to say. Dean needed to go out and clear his head. And, while Sam wasn’t sure what that entailed, he let him go. He needed to think a few things out himself - like how to convince Dean that he didn’t really mean what he’d said; because there was no way that he wanted to end it between them. Sam knew that Dean loved him, just as much as he loved Dean, and he flat-out refused to believe that Dean would want this to come to an end, no matter how screwed up it was. It was Them. He just needed to figure out how to make Dean see that.
* * *
Dean pulled his jacket tighter around him and tried to clear his thoughts. He had no idea what had possessed him to say those things to Sammy. He didn’t want to end things between them. He could never want that. What he and Sam had together wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But, it was Them. They needed and wanted and loved each other. So what if society deemed it dirty, or wrong? They had each other, someone that loved them despite everything and that was more than most of the human race could claim.
In the end, he knew that they’d be all right. He would walk into this bar and have a beer or three, and walk back into Sam’s open arms. No matter how long or hard he thought about it, he was sure that he’d never be able to say goodbye to Sam. Pretty sure, anyway. Sam was his Everything - just as Dean was starting to become Sam’s. But, he needed to do the right thing.
He had never doubted his brother’s love for him, or his acceptance or his forgiveness. Sam would always be there for him. He knew this just as surely as he knew that the sun would rise tomorrow, or that the grass was going to continue to grow. Some things just were, and you couldn’t fight the tide.
But, he owed it to Sam to figure things out, for the both of them. And, what that would involve was anybody’s guess.
2nd Story in this 'Verse - All My Life, I've Lived for Loving You...
3rd Story - ...Let Me Go Now
4th Story - The Promise of Who You Are
* * * * * * *
Let me know what you think!! I need to feed those little plot bunnies!