Dare to be Aware - Chapter Twenty One
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 96,670
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 21
Graduation.
Santana stared in the mirror and adjusted the ridiculous white gown again. The last few weeks after Cheer Nationals had gone by in a blur. A lousy fourteenth place finish at Nationals for Glee without Quinn and doing her best to keep as far from Brittany as she possibly could and still be on the same stage.
It'd been in Seattle and she thought it'd been appropriate that it'd rained almost constantly the entire competition. Not that they'd been ready. Again. She wasn't surprised that they'd lost again when Schuester couldn't even be bothered to half-ass trying to prepare for the biggest competition of the year. The constant failure was almost reassuring in its familiarity by this point.
Santana took a deep breath as she fiddled with the white mortarboard and it's ridiculous red and white tassel. It was finally over. Her last class had been a week ago but standing in her bedroom in front of her mirror in the tacky polyester white gown made it feel more real.
No more making fun of Rachel - why bother calling her Berry when she probably wouldn't see her again unless her big nose got work on TV or in a movie? - and her absurd clothing choices. No more getting to sing with those losers in Glee. No more looking across the room at Quinn's empty desk in Trig and wondering how her boyfriend was doing.
No more Lima.
She sighed and settled the mortarboard on her carefully styled hair. As she lowered her hands, she adjusted her National Honor Society stole almost absentmindedly. She was nervous even if it was completely stupid. Not like more than a handful of the people there would ever even speak to her again - let alone see her - if she didn't drag her ass back to a reunion. Not that she planned to.
Quinn moved closer to Santana. He had been watching her from the doorway for a few moments before heading into her bedroom. "You look so beautiful," he smiled, his eyes falling to her loosely curled hair and her light makeup.
He had decided on a simple pair of snug fitting black dress pants, a white shirt and a blue and black checked skinny tie. His hair was brushed to the side to make it straddle the line between masculine and feminine. He had his gown hung over his arm with his own NHS and in his hand he had two varsity pins.
"You need one of these." He explained as he moved closer to her and pinned it to her collar. "Perfect."
Santana looked up at him without her usual brash confidence. "Are we ready for this?" she asked softly. "I mean, next week we're looking at apartments with Blaine and Sam in Columbia." she shook her head, "I still can't believe that none of us managed to get our applications for housing in in time to actually get rooms. But... it barely seems real, you know?"
"I'm actually really happy we don't have to be in the dorms," Quinn shrugged, not really wanting to tell her why. "But now I get to live with you," he smiled and pressed a light kiss to her cheek. "You're graduating 3rd in the class, you're brilliant and in a month we might be able to start living together without your parents." He reminded her, "Just remember that."
"I'd be valedictorian if it wasn't for that creepy geek in the A/V club with Wheels and your absurd brain," Santana teased. "And what's so bad about the dorms? It's not like we wouldn't have been roomies anyway," she shrugged, deciding the robe was fine and taking it off to reveal her simple black slacks and blouse.
"I wouldn't have been able to live with you," Quinn pointed out again. "They don't allow co-ed rooming," he said softly as he secured his gown over his clothing. He put the sash on and his hat and scowled, "This looks stupid."
Santana barely heard Quinn telling her they wouldn't have been allowed to room with each other if they'd been in the dorms as she moved to adjust the lay of his stole. "You look fine, but I agree. You'd look way hotter in the boys' red robes." She smoothed a hand down the front of his gown, "You always do look sexy as hell in red, after all."
"How about I go steal one?" he smiled. "I would prefer than anyway... not like people cared that I randomly disappeared from school for three months," he sighed and motioned to his still braced knee under his slacks. "You're the only reason I'm here today, San. Fuck everyone else."
"Freaking Rachel noticed," Santana groused, annoyed with the attention the diminutive star of the loser club always focused on her boyfriend - even when he'd been a she and barely even her friend. "And you know Puck asked about you. I think he's had a crush on you forever though." She leaned up and kissed him with a smirk, "You're mine though and he doesn't stand a chance against me. And what about your Gay Musketeers? Blaine and Sam?"
"Homoexplosion does not count. They see me all the time." He pouted, "Berry just was pissed you had to use Sugar as an alternate at Nationals with me gone..." He wrapped his arms around Santana, "I only care that you noticed I was gone... and that you came home to me."
"Berry's got an unhealthy obsession with being your friend," Santana scowled, thinking about it. "Sugar was already going to Nationals anyway. But of course I came home to you," she smirked, dropping the issue about Rachel, "you do live with me after all." She ran a hand down between them, pausing at his waist, "Did you remember your friend? I want to give you a special gift once you're a graduate and he's kinda important to my plans."
Quinn blushed slightly, "Yes... it's in my bag... I'll put it on after we graduate." He smiled, taking her hand and putting in under his robe. He rubbed her hand against his flaccid member, "But that will have to do for now."
"Aww," Santana teased, grinding her hips into him for a moment with a wink, "so much for a quicky before we go. I plan on making you feel like a man after graduation, baby, even if you are wearing one of these absurd white gowns." She licked her lips looking up at him, "Under the bleachers, robes still on... what do you think?"
"Sounds good." he smiled, "I'm always ready for you when you want me." He replied as he heard Santana's parents call them from downstairs. "We should bounce." He reached over and pulled on his Converse on.
Santana pulled on the only pair of flat soled non-sneaker shoes she owned - a pair of knee-high boots - and smirked at him. "I'm going to hold you to that, baby," she whispered, leaning in for a kiss before sauntering out of her bedroom with her cap, gown, purse and stole over her arm, fully aware of his eyes on her ass and the conspicuous absence of panty lines as she walked.
Quinn smiled and followed his girl down to meet up with her parents. He followed them to the car and nervously held Santana's hand as he watched the distance between the Lopez house and the school pass by. When they arrived, the parking lot was full and he saw many of his former classmates hugging and taking pictures.
"Are you meeting up with the glee kids?" He asked as he looked at Santana.
She frowned in confusion. "Why would I want to meet up with those losers? They still think that Brittany," she all but spat the name in disgust, "is still a sweet and innocent little girl whose heart I tore all up. Fuck ‘em. Anyone who wants to see me can come find me."
"Wanna meet up with the boys then?" He asked as he got out of the car and held the door open for her. "Sam texted me that they're outside the auditorium. They're dodging Kurt and Sam said they had some big news for us..."
"Seriously?" She asked getting out and picking up both of their regalia, before hugging her parents and letting them know they'd see them after things calmed down. "What are they doing now? Eloping to New York on us?"
"Who knows." Quinn smiled and waved at Santana's parents and took the girl's hand. Quinn lead them over to where she could see the boys, their bodies were close and Blaine was looking up into Sam's eyes. "Ew, gays..." He smirked as they walked over, "Shouldn't you be on Kurt look out not making out?"
Blaine pulled away and smiled back, "Lovely to see you, Santana." He said as he moved to kiss her cheek, "You look stunning. And no Quinn, we don't have to worry about Kurt anymore."
Santana raised a curious brow. "Why's that, Dapper Dan? He was about to chew actual carpets off the floor in Seattle a couple weeks ago."
"We told him." Sam smiled broadly as he pulled his man into his arms. "I told him that Blaine is mine that were gonna live together and that Kurt needs to step the fuck off."
"Wow, way to go, boys." Quinn smiled proudly, "I'm impressed both of you still have your eyes. He didn't try to claw them out?"
"Well, damn, I guess Q didn't get all the balls in this trio," Santana teased, giving Sam a hug when he reached for her.
"Very funny, Santana. And well, things were not quite as civil as we'd have liked, but Kurt wasn't about to risk his appearance with a physical altercation before graduation photos at the very least," Blaine pointed out.
"He's such a douche." Quinn sighed, "Oh wanna hear something fun?" Quinn said as he leaned against the brick wall. "Brittany and Kurt should be in cahoots together, she's as maniacal as he is..."
Blaine frowned, "What are you talking about?"
"Quinn," Santana whispered, biting her lip. She hated thinking about the night she'd had to hide in the bathroom from her best friend and wait for Quinn to come rescue her.
"Just... stay away from her okay? He's a cunt and should just rot in hell for all I care." Quinn spat, before gathering Santana in his arms. "She and Kurt deserve each other. They're both miserable and hateful."
"Wow," Sam whistled, eyes wide, "Britt seriously pissed in your cheerios."
"We'll stay away, but some day I'd like to know what's going on with that," Blaine looked worried and uncertain, especially when Santana did nothing to defend her former best friend but just cuddled into her boyfriend's arms.
"I'll tell you, you'll have to get me drunk first." Quinn sighed and kissed Santana's neck softly. "But yeah, I'm so glad to get out of here... though I really want a red robe."
"Don't say that around Kurt," Sam smirked, "He might try to oblige you and then San would have to kill him."
"Of course, if you'd asked him a few days ago, he'd probably have just swapped," Blaine snorted.
"Q," Santana whispered against his neck, breathing him in, "can we go and find our seats. I don't want to risk running into her right now. I don't give a shit if that makes me chicken either."
"Aright." Quinn agreed softly, pressing a kiss to Santana's lips. "See you on the other side." he called back to the boys with a wave as they headed into the auditorium and looked around for their seats. "Here we go." He smiled, happy he wasn't too far away from Santana.
"Just a row. I like it." Santana spun her chair around to face her boyfriend after getting her gown on. "I'm so making you feel good after this you know," she whispered, smirking at him. "I'm glad these gowns open down the front, don't you?"
"Very, very excited about that." He smiled and looked at her adoringly. He pulled out his glasses and looked at the programme, "Ugh this is gonna take forever."
Santana laughed softly, "Good thing you're so far away then." She smirked at him, "I might get temped to play in your pockets if you weren't. Oh yeah," she reached into her purse and pulled out three different flavors of condoms, "which flavor would you prefer for when I kiss you after?"
He smirked and looked at them, "I think the mango one." He said as he winked at her, "I like how they make your lips taste."
She grinned at him as she put them away, "I'll keep that in mind." People started filing in so she leaned close before having to turn her chair back around, "Think you'll be up to taking me under the bleachers and pretending it's a football game later? Maybe we could sneak into the locker room after Sue's gone too." Winking as she pulled away, she spun her chair back around and pulled out her nail file, doing her best to ignore the people around her.
Quinn laughed softly and pulled his iPhone out and put in his earbuds, quietly listening to music as he waited for the ceremony to start. He was avoiding the murmurs and talking that were going on around him. He knew what people were probably saying but he didn't want to hear it.
Santana wasn't so lucky and scowling only worked on the people closest to her. They were all a bunch of idiots. It wasn't Quinn's fault he got the crap beat out of him, it was his asshole dad. And he wasn't a lesbian. That was Santana's title, thank you very much. But she couldn't actually correct any of them without blowing everything up in a way she was not prepared to deal with.
Quinn kept his head down and listen to his music to drown out the things that he didn't wanna hear. He only wanted to be here because Santana asked him too. He was there to fulfill his girlfriends wish to graduate together. It's not like he had family to come see him graduate. It's not like he knew if his mom was even alive or if his father was going to come after him again. He was sure his sister had heard of his abandonment and he knew that she would write him off like everyone else did. He was only here, he was only alive, and he was only holding himself together because Santana needed him too.
When Quinn didn't get up with his row, Santana reached back to squeeze his knee and get his attention. "Q, baby, your turn," she whispered, smiling at him.
She knew he didn't want to be there - that it was only because of her that he was - but she still wanted him to have the experience. Even if he did have to pretend to be a girl again. Every time she looked back and saw him sitting there, it made her heart beat a little faster and made it harder to keep the scowl on her face. Because he loved her enough to be there. It felt amazing.
Quinn shoved his iPhone in his pocket and got up and walked up. He stood in front of of a girl from her history class who kept looking back and looking confused at Quinn. He sighed and stood up as straight as he could as he limped across the stage. He rolled his neck, he was next. Figgins, Sue and the creepy superintendent looked at her with mild confusion.
"Lucy Fabray," Figgins said as he looked to the former head cheerleader. Quinn limped towards them and Sue scowled, Quinn put his hand out and took the paper and shook his hand before limping past his former coach without so much of a glance.
She didn't care if they fucked up the name. Her Quinn had graduated. Santana Lopez was going to damn well applaud as loud as she could. She put her fingers to the corners of her mouth and whistled loud, nearly laughing as she saw her dad, Blaine and Sam doing the same. When Quinn sat back down, she reached back and squeezed his knee.
"I'm so proud of you, baby," she whispered, grinning at him.
"Thanks," He smiled, before leaning back and kissing her cheek. "Now go get yours!" he smiled and smacked her ass as she headed up with her row. He leaned back and watched his lover get her much deserved diploma, clapping loudly and whistling when her name was called.
Heading up to get her diploma - and ignoring the shocked gasps from the idiots who thought she was just a pretty face like that bitch that used to be her friend at the NHS stole around her neck - she only had eyes for the three people in the audience who meant anything. Her Mami and Papi and her Quinn. Smiling as bright as she could, she pumped her fist and flipped her tassel before heading back to her seat.
"Fuck all you bitches," she crowed, dropping into her seat after dropping a kiss on her boyfriend, "I graduated!"
"I'm so proud of you." He crooned as he leaned forward to wrap his arms around her shoulders and stayed like that the rest of the ceremony.
After the final toss of the ugly-ass mortarboards, Santana grabbed Quinn and dragged him out of the school towards the stadium before her parents could find them. "Baby, I hope to God you put your friend on when you went to the bathroom after graduating because I want you so bad right now."
He pressed himself into her and smirked, "Do you even have to ask?"
"Oh good," she breathed, pulling him under the bleachers and pushing him up against one of the supports. Dropping to her knees in front of him she pulled his gown open, the silly snaps giving easily under her demanding hands as she went for his belt and pants. Tugging them down just enough to pull him out, she stroked him while looking up at him with a smirk, "Graduation sex, baby. What do you think?"
She slipped the mango flavored condom from her purse and ripped the package open with her teeth before sliding it over him. "God I wish you could feel this," she whispered, licking her lips with her eyes on the cock bobbing in her grasp, her fingers sliding along his length.
"Shit, baby." He groaned as he watched her take his length into her mouth. "So fucking hot." He said as he scooped up a handful of hair and started guiding her mouth. "I love when those lips wrap around my dick."
She moaned along his length, reaching up to grip his ass as she bobbed her head up and down him, fingers stroking the remaining length she couldn't take and pressing his cock back into his body. She slid off and stroked up the bottom with her tongue as she watched him. "I wish you could feel all this, baby. Not just see it. I wish you could come in my mouth so I could swallow you down..."
"Someday," he groaned. "God, I love you so much," he breathed, pulling her up. "I wanna fuck you so bad, San."
She smirked at him, pressing into his body. "I was hoping you'd say that," she breathed, taking one of his hands and sliding it into her gown where she'd popped it open and under her short skirt. She spread her legs, pressing his hand into the pool of want dripping from her core, "Happy Graduation, baby. How do you want me?"
He pushed her up against a support, took his cock in his hand and quickly sheathed himself inside her. "LIke this."
She gasped at being so suddenly and roughly filled, but her legs wrapped around her hips and she smiled. "I like that," she breathed, grabbing a cross-support above her to give a little more leverage to grind her hips into him, her walls rippling along the cock filling her as if they could pull it deeper. "You should show me some of those cheerleading fantasies of yours, baby," she gasped, "Fuck me like you wanted to whenever I'd piss you off... be rough with me, Q. I love it."
"We don't have time," He grunted, his hips pushing into her quickly, "Sue has cheerio auditions soon, remember?" He moaned into her neck before pulling her earlobe into his mouth and nibbling on it.
She panted into his ear, fingers digging into the support in her hands as he fucked her. "W-wouldn't that be even better?" she gasped, "You, her lost protege, fucking me, her former captain, right under her feet? Almost in f-front of the whole s-squad... your big dick s-slamming my pussy... m-making me beg to c-come the way you always wanted me to beg you on the field..."
He moaned and sped up his hips, barely even able to formulate a response to her words. "I wanted you to scream my name, not beg," he growled, his lips moving down to nip and suck at her neck. "I wanted you to scream my name as I fucked you into submission."
"F-first you'd have to make me submit," Santana groaned, rolling her hips to meet his body with a wet slap every time he thrust into her. "M-make me scream, Q," she gasped breathlessly, feeling his head slapping her cervix with a low moan.
He bit down on her shoulder and thrust harder, "You're mine. No one else's. Remember that every time some college boy or girl looks at you like they wanna fuck you. Remember how I feel buried deep inside you."
"Everyone looks at me like they wanna fuck me," Santana growled in his ear as she got closer and closer to orgasm. "Some of them have," she challenged, daring him to be rougher, "L-like Puck. He liked to fuck both holes. God," she panted, trying to push Quinn to jealousy to get him to fuck her as possessively as she wanted, "it's almost like I can still feel him slamming my ass!"
"That's because you used to be a whore," he hissed as he pulled almost totally out of her. "You let anyone fuck you to try to make you happy." He moved his thumb down to touch her clit. "Now..." He pushed in another inch. "Now you're my little whore."
"That all I am?" she panted, struggling to hold off her climax, her body shaking with the effort. "That all I am to you, Q? Just some w-whore? Some hole to be f-fucked? B-bet you brag about me to your boys like all the other guys then!"
He leaned in. "You're my glory hole," he said as he thrust inside her hard, "I can fuck you whenever and however I want and you're willing."
That hurt. Her lips tightened and she looked away from him, letting her body release with a gasp. She could handle being called a whore - so many people did it barely meant anything to her anymore. But being nothing more than a glory hole - especially coming from Quinn - that hurt more than any other insult she'd had thrown at her.
"Oh," she whispered when her body recovered enough to let her move. She pulled off of him with a shudder, her feet landing back on the ground with a soft thud as she let go of the brace. "Glad to know my place."
Quinn stood back, "Wait... San." He panted, "I was playing... you said those things about Puck... I thought you wanted me to talk like that..." He looked at the ground, hating the thought of her hating him.
"I just," she shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest and feeling stupid and hurt, "I just wanted you to say things like I belonged to you or just, you know, take me harder. I didn't... I'm just a glory hole to you? Just some nasty fucking hole in the wall in some dirty ass porn store? God..."
Quinn tucked himself away, "Then don't talk about Puck fucking your ass!" He snapped, "You think I wanna hear about that? The girl I love with other people? You know for a fact I don't think about you like that."
"No, I don't," she whispered, rubbing at her arms and looking down. "I mean, I want to, but fuck, Q, you know I've got shit experience with good relationships. And people tend to say what they really mean in the heat of things. Like when Berry told me the only future I've got is working a damn stripper pole. Yeah, she apologized and all later, but fuck... she still meant it."
"No, the fact that you actually think I could mean that..." Quinn looked at her with disbelief. "You were pushing me to be possessive. You pushed me to be rougher with you, I don't wanna talk to you like that, I don't want to treat you like that but you get off harder with it, so I wanted to make you happy!"
"Possessive doesn't have to mean insult me!" She finally cried, turning around and letting him see how much it hurt, "You could have just told me you loved me! That I'm yours! That I'm not a whore anymore because I belong to you! You could have told me what you wanted to do to me or just told me to shut the fuck up! Yeah, I like dirty talk sometimes. But you know want to know what really gets me off harder?" her lips firmed as she steeled herself to lash out at the last person she wanted to. "When your damn dick isn't in the fucking picture."
He stopped, his eyes dropped to the ground as he processed what she just said. "Bet you hate that my tits got cut off too," he said, his voice staying at a eerily calm tone.
"Maybe I do," she ground out, her heart breaking with every word. "I'm a lesbian after all, Quinn. I love girls, as my mother keeps pointing out. What kind of lesbian falls for a guy, huh?" One that loves him, whispered a little voice in the back of her head, but she quickly squashed it.
He was a Fabray. Emotion wasn't something he did, so all the pain in hearing her talk about his body... about who he was got pushed back, pushed away. "So... what? You pretend I'm a chick when we fuck? Remember what I looked like not who I am?" he asked coldly, his shaking hands unhooking his harness and throwing it in his backpack.
"Yeah." That lie tore the remaining shards of her heart from her body and left her as an empty shell, but her Lopez pride wouldn't let her show her pain the the person who hurt her. "That beautiful girl I used to know. God I loved imagining playing with those pretty little tits of hers." She thought she was going to be sick at the look on Quinn's face at her words, but she forced herself to keeping going, "Or tongue-fucking her. Feeling her walls clamping down on my tongue as I make her come."
"Shut up," Quinn snapped, his head jerking up. "Just shut up."
"Why?" Her voice shook slightly so she took a deep breath, cursing herself for letting that trace of how much she wanted to just crumple to the ground and cry forever out, "I'm only lovable when I'm a whore, right? When I'm a glory hole? Letting you use me whenever and however you want? Right? That's all you wanted me for anyway!"
"I took that too far," he said, guilt written all over his face. "And I love you more than anything..." he swallowed, "But right now... Santana, the words you're saying," he wiped his eyes with the heel of his palm, "hurt more than anything my dad ever did to me. I wish I was a girl for you. I wish I could give you that." He looked down again before ripping his robe off and throwing it to the ground.
"Well," Santana breathed, watching him and just knowing what was happening, but unable to stop herself, "you're not now, are you? And you didn't fucking want me when you were a girl anyway, so what's it fucking matter, huh?"
"I..." His voice cracked, "I thought you understood. I didn't choose this!"
"What did I choose, Q?" She couldn't look at him anymore without breaking down. "I didn't choose to be a lesbian. I didn't even get to choose to come out when I wanted to. I sure as hell didn't choose to have my mom pointing out but I thought you were gay, sweetie every time she saw us together. I didn't choose any of that, Quinn. Life's not about your choices. It's about living with whatever the next asshole chooses to do to you."
"You're the asshole whose treating me like shit right now." Quinn murmured, "I'm sorry if I'm a guy. You're right, if you're gay what are you doing with me? You don't like my dick, you sure as hell aren't acting like my girlfriend anymore... so what do you want from me?"
"I don't know," she whispered, dragging her gaze up to meet his again. "You've always known who I am, Quinn. Don't say any of this surprises you." She shook her head, barely holding things together.
"Just break up with me like all the other guys you've dated..." he said coldly, "I'm not what you want." His voice caught in his throat and he couldn't look at her anymore. He felt his whole world falling apart as he spoke.
"What, you mean Puck?" She scoffed, "No way. You want out, you say it. Oh wait, didn't you already tell me I'm not acting like your girlfriend? Not even good enough to act like your girlfriend anymore, huh."
"I said I love you," he said simply. "I don't want to lose you... but the way you're talking, San." He took a breathing pushing his feelings back. "I... you said you don't like being with me. That you think about how I used to look... that I made a choice to be like this."
"I love you too," she whispered, her eyes bright with tears she was refusing to shed, "but I'm not supposed to. I'm not supposed to fall for a guy, Quinn."
"Yeah..." He sighed, scuffing his feet. "I get it."
She shook her head, "I don't think you do. Fuck, I don't. But I don't know how to explain..."
"You want a girl..." he swallowed, "you can't deny who you are."
"I don't know what I want," she shrugged, looking miserable, "Brittany made me define myself as a lesbian. Fucking Finn made me have to come out as one to my family... how does loving a guy fit in that?"
"Sometimes you have to deal." He shrugged, "I wasn't ready to be like this to the world, but I had to be and I'm happy to be with you. You just can't let other people make decisions on how you live."
"I have to deal?" Santana's eyes went wide as she felt his words like a slap. "Up until a few months ago, Quinn, as far as I knew, you were a girl! I spent my whole fucking life thinking you were a goddamn girl! And the one time - the one fucking time - I was brave enough to let you know how much I liked you, you didn't tell me the truth, you just shut me out again and broke my fucking heart! You're happy to be with me? What the fuck does that even mean, Q? You'd be happier if I was still thinking you were just another girl who didn't fucking want me and never knew the truth about you at all!"
"I'm sorry if I didn't tell you something that I thought might get me killed... oh wait, maybe I had reasons too!" He snapped, "Maybe the whole you being with Britt or Puck or Finn threw me off and maybe I didn't think you'd ever love a freak!" he ran his hand through his hair and tugged out of frustration, "I'm not going to say sorry for being scared, neither should you. But can you even hear what you're saying to me? Telling me about how you hate my dick and picture someone who was fake when we sleep together?! I can't live with that."
"Being with Brittany or Puck or fucking Finn?" Santana stared at him incredulously, "God dammit, Quinn! When have I ever given up one of your secrets? Even when we weren't even friends I kept your damn secrets! I never would have done anything to hurt you, but you didn't trust me." She sniffed, wiping at her face with the back of her hand, "You're the first person I told I might like girls. Even before Brittany. And I was so fucking terrified that you'd hate me, but I told you. Because I trusted you, Quinn. I still trust you that much," she blinked back tears, shaking her head, "but I know you don't trust me. And I know you'd be happier if I'd never found out. That's what I have to live with. Knowing the person I love doesn't fucking trust me."
"You are so selfish." Quinn stood astonished. "I've... I don't even know how you think this secret was anyone's business but mine. Being stuck in a different body, being transgender is fucking different than being gay." He stated, "We might be in the acronym but we're not the same and our experiences are not the same!" He kicked a rock away from them and groaned, "I can't believe you think I don't trust you... I came to you, I told you everything and I gave you everything."
"Like you did Sam and Blaine?" she whispered, still stung that the boys knew well before she did. "Like you did Kelly? Whatever, Quinn. Would you have ever told me if I hadn't come onto you like the drunken slut jealous you had the attention of someone I liked that I was that night? Or would you have just let me walk right out of your life thinking you were that girl I once had a crush on?"
"Sam only knew because we were being forced to date, and Sam blabbed to Blaine when they hooked up because he thought he helped Sam cheat." He groaned, "Look, I messed up. I should have told you but I didn't know how. I didn't want you going home with anyone random. I didn't want you to get hurt by someone."
"A bit late for that," Santana snorted with an unhappy laugh. "This so stupid. Do you know how often I used to wish you were a guy so we could date and it'd be okay? Brittany used to get so mad at me because I'd call your name sometimes when she was going down on me. She made me decide I was a lesbian because it pissed her off when I'd watch you and she knew your dad would make you stop being around me." She licked her lips looking at Quinn and asking for understanding for once, "Before that... I didn't care. Boys, girls, freaking shrubs shaped like people. I liked all of it. I wouldn't have doubted for a second. But I got outted to the state by this label she made me wear because like an idiot I thought I was in love with her."
"I wasn't," she shrugged, "but wishing your captain is a guy doesn't usually fly. That's how stupid I am, Q. I want to say I've loved you almost as long as I've known you but... how long have I known you? A few months? You said it yourself, the girl I knew was a fake. And please stop saying I hate your dick," she rolled her eyes, unwilling to exactly apologize, but unbending enough to clarify. "I just said I get off harder without it. That doesn't mean I hate it, just that your tongue and fingers are fucking awesome."
"You said really hurtful things... you said that you think about how I was." He sighed, "Santana, I don't care what Brittany did... to you... or me." he rubbed his eyes, "I don't care, because I need to figure out who I am... and you need to figure out who you are." he looked down, "Maybe it will be fine."
"So... so what?" Santana felt like the ground had suddenly been pulled away from under her feet and she was in free-fall as she swallowed, "We... we're over? This is it?" Her jaw worked as she looked away, forcing herself to smile, "I think about the girl who was my best fucking friend and I had the worst crush on sometimes and I'm the bad guy. Well, excuse me for being gay, Quinn! I'm so sorry I'm attracted to women! So sometimes I have wet dreams about that girl you were and I fucking miss her, okay? She was my best friend!" She shook her head, "My only real friend. I love women, Quinn. That's not your fault. But don't you fucking judge me for it because I'm not the one who decided we were through."
She thought she was going to be sick as she quickly turned and walked away, trying to move fast enough that Quinn wouldn't see the tears streaking her face or how hard she had to struggle to keep walking instead of just collapsing where she was. It was a sickening feeling losing Quinn and she didn't even want to try and think about how she was going to get through it.
"I'm sorry I'm not what you need," Quinn whispered as he pushed a tear away watching her walk away.
He kicked his gown and walked away from the football field. He had come with the Lopez's and knew he'd never be able to go back there now that he hurt their daughter. It took nearly an hour to walk to the house and slip in his car and pull out of the driveway, but he drove until the sun started to set before pulling into a commuter parking lot and crawling into the back seat. He pulled off his tie and grabbed a blanket. Pulling it over his body, he curled into himself and cried.