Dare to be Aware - Chapter Sixteen
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 62,725
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 16
Quinn laid in the bed. It had been three days since his father brutalized him, cut his body and broke his soul. There had been a lot of people in and out of Quinn's room in that time. Doctors, nurses, cops and the Lopezes.
Quinn had asked Santana to not let Blaine or Sam or anyone else come to see him yet, everything was too painful and raw to hold it together with anyone other than Santana. For the most part Quinn held it together pretty well with his girlfriend - but during the late hours of the night, when he couldn’t sleep because he was terrifed that Russell would show up and finish the job he started, he spent much of the time sobbing and trying to claw out of his skin distressing the nurses as each morning they’d find that Quinn had pulled out more stitches from his chest or the slashes on his thighs.
The anti-anxiety medication doses had been increased and Quinn started to fall into a more catatonic state when awake. He was staring at the television vacantly when he heard the soft click of the door opening.
"Quinn?" His mother's voice was soft as she eased the door open and slipped into the room. She looked worse for wear, makeup barely covering bruising on her face and finger shaped bruises peeking out from the sleeves of her shirt. She limped slightly as she made her way towards the bed, clutching a small bag.
Quinn's head turned to the side and he smiled as brightly as he could when he saw his mom. "Mommy!" He said softly as he tried to sit up but winced and had to lie back down. "Mommy, you got hurt," he whispered, reaching his hand towards her face as she got closer.
Judy caught his hand and kissed it. "Yes, but I'll get better, don't you worry, sweetheart." She handed him the bag, "I brought you something."
He put the bag on the bed without looking at it. "Mom, you got away? You came to take me away with you?" He looked at her hopefully.
Judy looked pained, but she shook her head no. "I'm sorry, baby. I can't. Not while he could find us. I wish I could, please believe me. But I need you to be safe." She cupped Quinn's cheek, "And what about that girl of yours? I saw a picture of the two of you kissing. You looked so happy... You don't want to leave her, do you?"
"But... I don't wanna leave you." He whimpered, "You're... you're my mom." He sniffled, it felt like his heart was being torn out. "Where am I to go if I can't be with you... I wanna go home with you."
"I want you to too but it's not safe there, baby," she sat awkwardly on the side of the bed, her sore body protesting. "I talked to Maria Lopez and she told me they'll protect you. They'll keep you safe while I try to get that man out of our lives. I'm going to go live with some of my family up north for now. Look in the bag, Quinn..."
He sniffled and looked down, feeling rejected. He carefully looked into the bag and pulled out the bank book and his keys. "What's this?" He asked as his other hand itched slightly at his chest stitches.
"Don't scratch," Judy chided him almost absently, pulling his hand from his stitches, "you'll scar worse. Here," she pulled a tube of her favorite body cream from her purse and handed it to him. "This will help with the itching. Those are your car keys. I had it taken to the Lopezes' when that man tried to have it scrapped. You should look in the trunk when you see it next." She smiled lopsidedly with her split lip, not explaining further. "And that," she nodded at the bank book, "is the bank book for a set of checking and savings accounts in your name that I set up when you were born. I've been funneling that man's money in it for years for you. I know it's not much, but it's all I was brave enough to do. I'm so sorry I couldn’t do more for you, sweetheart."
Quinn nodded, but he didn't look at the amount. He just looked a his mom, scared that this was the last time he would ever see her. "I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to make him happy. I tried... I tried to be everything he wanted so he wouldn't hurt you anymore. I'm sorry I didn't protect you enough." He cried softly, loosing the fight to keep his tears at bay. "I'm sorry mom." He raised his hand to her face, "I should have been able to stop this... I was selfish with wanting to change... I was selfish and he hurt you because of me."
"Oh, no. No, Quinn, no," Judy leaned forward as fast as she could with the bruising on her stomach and wrapped her arms around her son, pulling him close. "It's not your fault. It isn't selfish to want to be yourself, baby. You did protect me. You protected me far more than I deserved. I'm so sorry I wasn't a better mother. That I didn't protect my baby boy like I should have. But I swear none of this is at all because of you. It's all him, Quinn. All him."
Quinn just clung to his mother, despite the pain that wracked through his body at the contact and jostling. He sobbed in her arms and tried to memorize what it felt like to be held by her. "M-mom." He stammered, "please don't leave without me."
It broke Judy's heart to hear how broken her child sounded and she buried her face in the remains of his hair, breathing deep to try and memorize how he smelled. "I'm sorry, Quinn. I'm so sorry. But I have to be a good mother and protect my baby for once in my life. I have to go and keep him from finding you." She kissed the top of his head. "You take care of that pretty girl of yours. I know you'll be a far better man than your father ever was. And if she's the one, you had best save me a place in the front row at your wedding, okay? I won't miss that for the world."
Quinn tried to pull himself together despite feeling like his body just got reopened and torn apart again. "I-I promise." He stuttered, "I.. I'll be strong... I'll be good, pr-promise." He tried to wipe his eyes, "I'll take care of S-Santana." He took a shaky breath, "Y-you need to be happy too okay? F-find someone to love you," he whimpered as his mom pulled out of their hug to look at him. "Please tell me I-I'll see you soon?"
She nodded, her eyes bright with the tears she was trying so hard not to shed as she smiled at her son. "Definitely. I need to see what kind of man you grow into. And if I find someone, you're first on the invite list to the wedding. I'll need someone to give me away after all." She blinked back tears as she leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "I love you, Quinn. You'll always be my perfect little angel."
"I love you too, mom." He said softly as he looked up at her. "I'll make you proud..." He whispered as he let go of her hand and tried to look strong. "B-be careful." He said as he watched her gather her bag. "I love you..." his lip quivered as he closed his eyes not willing to watch his mom walk out of his life.
"You've already made me so proud, Quinn. Just be happy now," she stood there for a moment, graving the lines of his face into her memory. "Your mom will make you proud, son. I'll protect you and when it's safe, I promise I'll come for you." She leaned over the bed and brushed her lips against his forehead again, "Be happy, sweetheart."
She stepped backwards and quickly hurried from the room before she lost her resolve, tears streaking down her cheeks as she hurried from the hospital to her car. A half hour later, she had to wipe at the tears blurring her vision as she drove past the sign that declared she was leaving Lima and out of her son's life.
It took nearly two days before Detectives Smith and Riley were able to get a judge to sign off on set of warrants for the Fabray property on only Santana's conviction of his guilt in Quinn Fabray's brutal beating. But as hard as it has been to convince a judge, they weren't taking any chances and an additional pair of squads were soon pulling up in front of the house, lights flashing against the houses of the affluent neighborhood. The two detectives pulled their Crown Victoria into the driveway and looked up at the silent house.
Smith looked at Riley as he pulled the folded warrant out of his breast pocket. "You ready for this?"
She threw the car in park and killed the engine. "Definitely. I want to see if that girl was right."
They got up to the house and rang the bell. After a few minutes of no answer, Riley started pounding on the door. Pulling her sidearm from it's holster, Smith shook her head and nodded around the side of the building. She was just about to head to the backdoor when a neighbor called out.
"If you're looking for the Fabrays, you're way too late," the high voice of the old man called out. "Russell packed up and left at least a day ago."
"Seriously?" Smith looked appalled.
The old man smiled and nodded, "Like a thief in the night. And seeing you all, I'm thinking I know why. There's a key under the flowerpot there."
Detective Riley snatched the key from under the pot and unlocked the door. He brandished his weapon as he headed into the house. "Lima Police!" He called out. The house was not empty. The furniture, appliances and some personal affects were still intact. Smith looked at a photo on the table which was of the victim and had been torn apart.
"Riley!" He called out and pointed to a trail of blood that headed out of the front door. "The kid was right," He remarked as he followed his partner follow the trail. He pushed open the door of the back office and blanched.
"Creep didn't even try to clean up the blood." He gaped and waved one of the other officers in and they started to take photos of the scene. "No one touch anything! This is a crime scene!"
"Oh God, this is sick," Smith muttered, looking pale as she took in the blood that had soaked into the hardwood. "What kind of twisted bastard does this to his own kid?"
"Not the kind we want in Lima," Riley growled, dropping a marker on the desk by the blood-stained letter opener. "Over here," he waved at the officer snapping photos, "I think we have the weapon."
"We need a lab to look this over, James," Smith looked around worriedly. "I'm thinking this might be way more than we can handle in Lima..."
"Yeah. I'll get on the radio and call the staties in and see about getting an arrest warrant out. Go search the rest of the house," he growled at the first officer outside of the room before looking back over his shoulder at Smith. "You need to go talk to the man across the street. He's a witness and then we need to find the wife."
"I know how to do my job, James. I was your training officer after all, remember?" Smith teased, trying to disconnect herself from the evidence of what had happened in Quinn’s home before heading out of the room to go talk to the neighbors.
"Yeah yeah," he muttered, "That's why you're getting to leave this nasty room."
Quinn had been in the hospital nearly a week, getting sadder with each day after his mom had left him there. Santana hated seeing him like that, but she wasn't sure how to cheer him up until she saw him wince when yet another nurse treated him like a girl and talked about getting reconstructive surgery on his chest. It had been mildly embarrassing going to Kelly's store to find what she'd needed - not to mention the trip to the mall for the rest of it - but she was pretty sure it'd cheer him up.
She peeked in the door, smiling at her still convalescent boyfriend. "Hey, Quinn. Want some company? I got you something to cheer you up."
"Hi," He smiled weakly as he saw the girl. "You came."
He had taken to being surprised every time someone came to see him more than once. He had stopped hoping his mother would come back and tell him she was sorry for leaving and take him home. He knew that he was alone. That his mom left him and he had no family anymore. His body was sore and the cuts on his chest had gotten infected from the prolonged time it spent open after the cuts happened and because Quinn kept accidentally popping stitches. His arms were restrained to the bed when Santana came in, usually they would untie him by now but Santana was early.
Santana smiled as she came over. "Of course I came, idiot. You're my boyfriend. I like being with you." She set the gift bag in his lap and started undoing the straps holding his wrists down. "Come on, let's get you untied so you can open your present. And just so you know, I completely vetoed Sam's suggestion of getting you a dirty magazine. Besides, I figured you'd like this more."
She moved around the bed to undo his other wrist, "You know, too bad there's so many people coming to check on you, this," she tapped on the strap with a smirk, "could be fun without an audience, don't you think?"
"Somehow I think that would pop a few stitches," he said as he rubbed his wrists. "And you're lucky you’re hot because you’re kind of a freak... though if a dirty magazine had photos of you naked in it I could be into that," he teased before sliding over and making room for her on the bed. "How was school?" He asked as he fingered the fabric of her Cheerios skirt.
"Not as fun without you there," Santana admitted quietly, resting her head on Quinn's shoulder as she sat beside him. "Though putting freshmen in mortal fear is kind of fun. Are you going to see what I brought you?"
"’Kay." He said as he raised his arms to look in the bag. He pulled out a pair sleep shorts, then a small pair of red boxer trunks. He looked down to the bottom and his smile grew wider as he reached in and pulled out the soft packer. "You got me a penis." He smiled disbelievingly up at his girlfriend.
Santana blushed, but nodded. "And it was totally embarrassing so any more presents like that are coming in discreet brown paper packages. But," she hopped off the bed to close the door before coming back to pull his blanket down, "I want you to be comfortable and stuff."
She plucked the boxers from his hands before carefully sliding the panties the nurses had been making him wear off his hips, "But there ain't no way I want you getting hard for anyone but me, and luckily," she smirked up at him as she got the panties off over his splinted knee and started sliding the boxers on, "unlike with most guys, I can totally ensure that doesn't happen with you."
"Given that my erection lives in your bedroom," he stated as he pushed himself up with both arms so she could wiggle the tight boxers onto his body. Then watched her get the sleep shorts over his legs and leaving them on his thighs. He had the packing penis in his hands and slid it down into his boxers, fiddling around to get it in the right place then tugged his boxers a little higher on his hips. He smiled and ran his hand over the bulge and then raised his hips for Santana to help with the sleep shorts. He had pushed up his gown so most of his lower stomach was exposed before taking Santana's hand and put it on his crotch.
"How does it feel? Does it feel natural?" he asked shyly.
"Feels like you," Santana smirked, leaning up and kissing him with her hand still cupping the bulge. "And thank you for reminding me where your erection is. I might have to indulge later when I'm missing you," she teased, rubbing him slightly before letting her hand trail up to run over his lower abdomen. "You know," she whispered, settling in beside him on the bed and letting her hand run up over his gown until it rested in the center of his chest, "I think this could mean no more binder when we're together."
"Except I look gross with stitches and staples keeping my guts from falling out." He remarked pointing to the gauze that was discolored with blood and ooze. "And that's not fair if you use my junk if I'm not there... if you do, you have to skype me on your computer and I get to watch on the iPad your dad let me borrow from the hospital," he pouted, looking down at her hand.
"You look gross now, but you'll be sexy as fuck when they're healed," Santana assured him, kissing his jaw. "Like one of those action movie badasses. And you say I'm a freak," she laughed. "Isn't it pretty kinky to want to watch your girlfriend fuck herself with your junk on skype? If I do, you so gotta tell me how to do it." She smirked, nipping at his earlobe, "Cause gotta admit, it sounds kinda hot."
"I just... I don't like thinking that you can do it without me," he said softly. "It... it doesn't make it feel like it's apart of me then," he admitted. "I don't care if you touch yourself... I'd... I'd just prefer if you... waited for me to do that." He looked away from her, "I'm sorry, but I'm not telling you what to do."
"Wait. Quinn, no," she cupped his cheek and turned him to face her. "I might be a kinky bitch sometimes, but seriously that kind of stuff is not really my scene. You just sounded into it, so I thought, if you wanted...” she shook her head. “Quinn, if you want to watch me fuck myself," she smirked, "well, I'm sexy as hell and I like you watching. Especially if you want to tell me how to fuck myself. But," she wiggled her fingers, "I'd rather use these and imagine you jerking off to it than ride your junk without you attached."
He nodded and rested his head against hers. "We'll see how long I have to be here okay? I'm not feeling really sexy at the moment." He laced his fingers with hers and used his other to feel his package again. "Thank you," he whispered.
Santana nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. "I want you to be happy, Quinn. It makes me feel wrong to see you sad like you've been." She cuddled close, careful of his injuries, "I miss you, you know. Like at school and stuff. I miss when we'd hang out and okay, I really miss the way you make me feel when we fuck too. But I miss...this," she tilted her head slightly to indicate the cuddling, "the most. And fuck I feel like a gross sappy freak now."
"I miss this too. I just... I want everything to be normal again." He sighed, "Going to school, Cheerios, coming home and going to see you?" He knew his emotions were in a bad place but he couldn't stop that hate for himself for everything that he cause to happen.
"I want... I want to pull you into the janitor’s closet and kiss you. Fuck, I wanna go to Glee and pick on Berry... I wanna go home and have dinner with my mom and do homework and help her get ready for church on Sunday. I just want everything to be normal."
Santana was quiet for a moment. "When you were... normal," she whispered softly, trying to ignore the ache in her chest and the little voice screaming that this was just like Brittany all over again, "when you were normal you weren't a lesbian and didn't want me." She pulled away slightly, biting her inner cheek to try and keep her composure, "I'm sorry I took normal away from you. I'm sorry, Quinn..."
"Yo-you are the only thing good in my life," Quinn stumbled, started to shake when Santana pulled away. "I-I... I could be a girl and love you. I can do that.. I can be what you need... Please don't leave me," he gasped as he felt the preemptive pain of Santana leaving wash over his body.
"Maybe I don't want you to be a girl though," Santana whispered, her heart hurting as she sat up and looked down at her hands. "Maybe I just want you. Fuck, I'm so stupid, aren't I? Buying that fucking thing for you and... and trying so hard to be your girlfriend and not fuck it up. But you want normal, don't you? Just like everyone else..."
"I.. I just got my body ripped apart, Santana!" He yelled, "By my Dad because he found out I feel like a boy... He tried to kill me because I'm not normal!" He was shaking, his heart monitor beeping quickly. His hands had found a cut on his leg and was digging his fingers into it. "He hurt my mom because I'm not normal. She left... she came here and said goodbye to me because she couldn't - she wouldn't stay with me, Santana."
He was sobbing and shaking so violently, "I want you... I need you and I'm trying so hard .. and so are you. I'm sorry if I keep fucking it up, I'm sorry if I'm not a ray of fucking sunshine."
Santana grabbed his hands and pulled them from his body before he could pull any of his stitches open, moving to straddle his waist and restrain him with leverage and her own body weight. "I don't want a ray of sunshine, Quinn," she hissed, glaring down at him, anger overriding fear. "I'm sorry your family has hurt you so much, but I'm here goddamn it! I'm right here and I don't want normal! I want you! You're the only one who's ever wanted me for me. Can't you see how important that is? I want you, Quinn. Just the way you are. Sad, happy, angry... I want you."
"For how long?!" He sobbed, his fears bursting out of him, "For how long are you gonna want me? You're gay and I think and... and pretend that I'm guy!" He whimpered, falling limp against the bed. "How long until you can't take it? Until you find a girl who wants you for you and you leave me?"
"There," Santana shook her head, confused as to where this was coming from when she thought she'd been doing good at expressing her want for him, "Quinn, there's always going to be girls who want me. There's girls now who want me. But none of them are you. None of them can make me smile like you do. Or make me happy just cuddling and being in the same room like you do... Why can't that be enough? Why do I have to act like fucking Berry and try and predict the goddamn future to be with you?"
He closed his eyes and his body wracked with sobs. He had a fever and everything hurt. On top of this, he couldn't handle it. "Don't leave me." He whimpered, "Just, please... I can't take anymore. I don't wanna be here... I just wanna go home. Please, let me go home, San."
She cuddled him, letting go of his hands and carefully supporting the majority of her weight on her arms and knees to avoid pressuring his injuries. "I'm not leaving you, Q. You make me mad as hell sometimes, but I promise I'm not leaving. As soon as you're better, I'm taking you home so I can hold you all night. Papi says another day if you stop scratching," she whispered in his ear, hugging him, "just one day and I can take you home, baby..."
He slumped down and whimpered, not believing her because he knows by how the nurses talk when they think he's sleeping that he could need more surgery on his knee and he needed psych to assess him to discharge him. "I'm so tired.... can... can you stay? I can't sleep when I'm alone."
"Definitely," she whispered, moving to snuggle beside him. "They can just try and throw me out. Just sleep, okay?" She leaned in to kiss him softly, "I'm right here and anyone who tries to hurt you is gonna get their balls cut off."
"Thank you..." He mumbled before falling to sleep, clinging onto her.
Santana just snuggled into him and listened to him breathe for a little while before falling asleep herself. When her father looked in on Quinn a couple hours later, he smiled softly to see the boy and his daughter looking peaceful in their sleep for one of the first times in the last week and wrote a quick note allowing Santana to stay for that night on his chart.