Dare to be Aware - Chapter Eleven
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 43,125
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Author's Note: With this, I'm caught up and will be going back to the previous once a week schedule. Enjoy the chapter, everyone. :)
Chapter 11
Quinn had his head resting on Santana's shoulder, his arms tightly wrapped around Santana's body. He hadn't meant to sleep all night, he thought they'd sleep then he'd take her home before the morning sun. That had obviously failed as evidenced by the bright sun was now streaming through the dingy motel blinds.
Santana woke up slowly, blinking painfully against the harsh glare of the light on her hangover sensitive eyes. She shielded them with her hand as she looked around confusedly trying to remember first where she was and second who she was with. She was decidedly aware of her nudity and what felt like an erection sliding against her inner thigh so she figured it was a guy until a bit of the memories from last night filtered in and reminded her that he was a special kind of guy with a strap on. She groaned, wanting to get the godawful pounding in her head to stop as she tried pushing herself to her hands and knees to crawl out of the motel bed.
She was just realizing just how pleasantly sore she was between her thighs when a beam of light from the window passed over her lover's face just right. Santana's eyes widened as the memory that refused to present itself last night came roaring to the front of her mind. "Q-Quinn?" Her voice shook and for one scared moment she was afraid she's throw up all over her bedmate. "Y-you're Quinn?"
She couldn't believe it as she scrambled backwards staring at him in shock. Her ass hit the ground painfully as she fell out of the bed, scrambling back ignoring the way the cheap carpet burned her skin. "Quinn?!" she sounded both hurt and confused by the revelation.
"Oh God," Quinn groaned as he ran his hand over his face, "Why are you yelling? Come back to bed." He said as he rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes again, not realizing that Santana had figured everything out.
"Why am I yelling? Why are you Quinn?!" She pointed at him accusingly from her place on the floor. "What is this some sort of sick joke?" Her face twisted with pained upset, "You didn't get enough pleasure just making everyone hate me you had to fuck me and screw with me that way too? Why am I such a goddamn game to you?!"
Quinn sat up quickly, his cropped blonde hair messed up and his shirt having rode up in his sleep to expose his abs and his legs out in front of him and his strap on protruding out from under the thin blanket. He blinked as he looked at Santana, "What? I didn't make anyone hate you!" He defended as he tried to figure out what was going on. "You're not a game... do... do... How don't I mean anything to you?! After last night? I thought..."
"I didn't even know who you were!" Santana sobbed, unable to even look at Quinn. "You could have told me but you...you just lied to me! Again! You let me pour out my stupid fucking heart to you thinking you were just some sweet guy who was being nice to me. How could you? He was the one person who didn't reject me and you had to take him too!"
"I am that fucking GUY, Santana!" Quinn yelled, as he stood up and found his jeans. He quickly pulled them on. "I wasn't lying about what I said last night. I'm a guy and you're just fucking scared because you know you feel something for me and you know I feel the same." He hissed, as he looked at Santana. "I'm not rejecting you because this... this is the only way I can be confident!"
"You don't want me! Don't pretend you want me!" Santana yelled into her knees as she hugged them protectively close to her chest. "You could have told me who you were! You could have told me! I was fucking drunk and...and you made me think someone liked," her voice shook with tears as she took in a trembling breath, "me... What did I do to you to make you do that? I never ever betrayed you. I never told your secrets. I lied to your fucking father for you! But when I tried to give you me you didn't want me and now? Now you do this?"
"I told you I'm not gay!" Quinn said, "I'm... I'm sorry. I went to the club and you came onto me and I couldn't stop it. I wanted to be with you and you wanted me..." he sniffled as he looked down at her, "I... Finally being myself, finally, Santana. I... can't be like this all the time... please get off that gross floor, please." He whispered as he offered his hand to her. "Please, San."
"Of course, I wanted you," Santana sobbed into her knees, not seeing the hand reaching out to her with her face buried in her knees. "I've always wanted you but you never wanted me. I don't care about the being a guy shit. But everyone assumes they know me. They just assume! Even you! Why doesn't anyone ask?"
She finally raised her tear-streaked face to look at Quinn with such longing it hurt to look at. "Why couldn't you have just told me? I would have been okay. I would have kept your secret. But...but you lied and pushed me away instead. Y-you were my only real friend besides Brittany..."
"Yeah... because coming up to you and going, 'Hey San, so I think I'm transgendered. I'm really a guy... So I'm gonna go now and have to live my life as a chick because I can't tell anyone!' God, San, I'm sorry... I thought maybe... maybe you'd understand!" He exclaimed, "I hate myself. God, I'm pretty sure we stopped being close when I figured it out because I was pretty dead set on killing myself over this."
Santana laughed bitterly, finally pushing herself up off the floor. "How could I understand when I never even had the chance?" She sniffled, wiping at her cheeks as she started looking for her clothes. "But you can push me away in private. When it's just us in my room. You can push me away there but you can take me to a cheap fucking motel and fuck me dressed like a guy. You can't tell me you'd be happier as a guy and I could maybe have a chance that way and let me feel for once in my life that I came first with someone. That I mattered to someone." She shoved her thong into her purse and picked up her dress hugging it to her chest with her trembling back to Quinn. "I had to find out by accident... Do you know how that made me feel?"
She finally looked at Quinn. "Don't talk to me about killing yourself when I almost did after that asshole Finnept outted me as if his privileged white ass had any right to and not one person stood up against him. I spent two days in the hospital after getting my fucking stomach pumped but who cares, right? Just the dramatic bitch Santana." She scoffed at the look on Quinn's face, as she dropped down on the bed to wiggle into her dress. "Don't act so fucking surprised. It's not like you or anyone else bothered to stop by and see if I was okay. At least you get to keep your secrets, Quinn."
In a second, Quinn had dropped to the bed and wrapped his arms tightly around Santana. "I didn't know," he whispered, holding her tightly against his chest. "San... I didn't know. I'm sorry I was too wrapped in my own pain to help you. I'm so sorry I let you down." He cried softly, "I'm sorry and you don't ever have to forgive me or understand why I did this." He caught his breath through his tears and looked at her once she stopped struggling. "I... I care so much about you and I can't... I'm sorry I couldn't tell you when we were alone... I'm sorry I'm scared and I can't be me when I'm forced to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry..."
She'd struggled at first but it wasn't long before she relaxed into the embrace she'd wanted more than anything from someone. Her head rested tiredly on Quinn's chest, "I never asked you to be someone you're not. I just asked you to be my friend. You don't have to be someone you're not with me. You can just be you and my friend and that's good enough. I don't want to make you be...whatever. I just want my friend back. My Quinn..."
"I'm sorry I ever left," he whispered, resting his chin on her shoulder. "San... I got lost." he closed his eyes and held her tighter, "I finally found me... but I was scared people wouldn't be okay. That you'd leave me." he sniffled, "I'm sorry I hurt you in the process of... this."
Finally her arms snaked around his waist and she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "Please don't leave me again. It's really lonely without any friends and I really need you in my life, Q..."
"I'm here," he whispered. "I promise..." He laid them back and cuddled her to his chest. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just... I wanted to make sure you were being protected and okay at the club. I hated how everyone looked at you like you were tasty tasty bacon." He said softly as he took her hand and tangled their fingers together. "I didn't want anyone else to get to taste you like that."
Santana laughed waterily, wiping at her eyes as she cuddled against him. "I'm bacon huh? But you didn't eat me last night," she teased. "You could have," she added shyly, "I would have let you."
"I was preoccupied by you sucking me off," he joked, as he pressed a kiss to the center of her forehead. "Maybe if I ever get another chance to be with you like that... it will be the first thing I do."
"Maybe if you asked me out," she offered shyly, afraid of being rejected, "you could have a pretty good chance of being with me like that again."
Quinn smiled. "I'll have to do just that," he said as he pressed a soft kiss to her eyelids, "But I'm gonna do it right and not after we just screamed at each other, okay?"
Santana let out a low growl, throwing a leg over his hips and rolling until she was straddling him and on top. She smirked down at him as she pinned his wrists above his head and leaned over him. "Well, how about make up sex then? We've got a couple of hours before checkout. What do you say we make the most of it?"
He watched her for a moment and leaned up and pressed their lips together, "I want this to be more than sex, Santana." He whispered, "You deserve more than sex."
"If you're my friend," Santana whispered, looking down into his eyes, "my Quinn, then it's more than just sex." She kissed him, rolling her hips against him to push against his bulge, "I want you to take me, Quinn. I want to know it's you and know you care and want me. Just...show me you want me. Please?"
He nodded and flipped them, kissing her neck softly before sliding down her body. He pushed up her dress to her waist and kissed her thighs before parting her legs. He kissed her mound softly, inhaling the earthy smell of his lover. He looked up and smiled. "I'm gonna start making good on my promises," he said as he brought his lips down and slowly parting her folds with his tongue.
Santana moaned, barely resisting bucking up as she raised up on her elbows and spread her thighs a little wider to watch him lapping at her folds. "Oh God, that has to be the hottest thing I've ever seen," she groaned, her body already starting to respond and slick her lower lips with arousal.
He slid his tongue up to her clit and flicked it a few times before capturing it between his lips and sucking. He ran his hands up and down her legs before finally pulling her thighs over his shoulders so he had better access to her core. He nipped it slightly as she bucked into his face. He looked up and locked his eyes with hers as he lapped at her clit.
"Oh God," she gasped, falling back onto the bed and lifting her hips to increase the pressure slightly. She couldn't look away from his intense hazel gaze as his tongue sent electric jolts straight through her with each flick. "Oh God, Quinn..."
With a quick change of position Quinn slid her tongue deep into Santana's passage. He whimpered at the taste of her as he started to fuck her with his tongue. His hand moved to her clit and rubbed slowly as he worked his tongue as deeply inside her as he could reach.
"Oh my God," Santana squeaked, her head falling back as for the first time she let a guy do something to her she's previously only let two woman do. Her hips bucked into his mouth begging him to go deeper. She dug her heels into his back as she moaned, pressing her back and shoulders into the bed to raise her hips higher.
Quinn smiled and slid his tongue as far as he could go then rolled it inside her. He pinched her clit with his fingers and lapped her opening until she whined. He chuckled softly and filled her again as deep as he could go.
Santana was shuddering under the continual assault of her core by Quinn's tongue and fingers. The pressure kept building and building like a fire between her legs and every thrust of his tongue was like trying to douse it with gasoline. She could feel a strange full sensation like she had to pee and she shook trying to hold it in. "Oh God, Quinn," she gasped, "so close!"
"Come for me, San," he husked as he bit the inside of her thigh, leaving a mark before returning to suck on her clit. He flicked his tongue back and forth rapidly as his cheeks hollowed in suction.
The bite followed by the tongue-lashing he was giving her was too much to resist. She cried out wordlessly as she came hard, her body releasing her climax in a gush of fluid into his mouth. Her back arched up off the bed as she tensed in orgasm, her body shaking hard as she finally started to come down. "Oh God, Quinn...oh my God..." she gasped over and over as she tried to come back to herself.
Quinn lapped up everything Santana had to offer before sliding up next to her body. He ran his hand over her heaving chest and pressed a kiss over her heart and just watched her.
"I've never," she gasped, rolling her head to look at him, "you..." She shook her head, unable to find the words for what she wanted to say and just pulled him down into a fierce kiss, slipping her tongue between his lips and searching for the taste of her own juices as she slid a hand down his body to cup him through his pants. "I want you on top," she whispered against his lips, "and I want you inside me. I don't want to be Santana the lesbian right now. Can I just be your girlfriend for now? Can I be normal with you?"
"You can be my girlfriend," he whispered in between kisses, "if I can be your boyfriend." He smiled as he spoke before pulling away to pull down his pants and boxers. He got back on top of her and kissed her deeply again as he used his hand to line up with her entrance. "But, I don't think ether of us can be normal... we're special and that's okay," he said as he pushed the head inside her and hovered there until she told him it was okay to move.
She slumped back into the bed for a moment with a soft sigh. "I know we can't be normal," she whispered, pulling him down on top of her as she rolled her hips to take him in, whimpering softly as she felt him bottom out against her cervix. "I just...I wanted to feel normal for a little bit. That's all."
"Baby," Quinn whimpered as they became joined, his hips rocking slowly as he spoke, "we're special and we make our own normal okay? But as far as the world cares? You're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend." He beamed, happy at the terms that came out of his mouth, "We're as normal as it gets."
As far as the world cared they weren't anything but two girls being freaks together, but Santana carefully kept that depressing thought to herself as she saw Quinn's smile. The bright, truly happy smile she rarely got to see and that made her think that maybe - just maybe - things really could be okay. She knew she couldn't bear to wipe it away, so she smiled back and moved with him, her body slowly beginning to writhe under him in a slow dance.
"Yeah," she whispered, "fuck what everyone thinks." She broke off in a gasp as he brushed her g-spot at the same time the base of his unit rubbed over her clit sending a wave of electric fire through her. "We've got each other."
"Does that feel good?" he asked softly, kissing her neck and sucking on her earlobe. "I wish I could feel your pussy squeezing my dick," he grunted, his shoulders and biceps flexing as he started to work her body faster. "God, you're so beautiful."
"Yes," she gasped, swallowing hard. "God, I wish you could too. You feel so fucking big," she whimpered, "and I have to stretch to take you all but it's so good..." She moved with him, sliding her hands down to grip his ass, her nails digging hard into his flesh to encourage him to pound her harder. "So fucking good..."
Quinn rolled his hips and sped up his thrusting, the bed thumped into the wall with the force of their love making.
"God," she whimpered, leaning up to crush her breasts against his chest, peppering his jaw and neck with frantic kisses as her legs wrapped around his waist, heels digging into his ass. "Yes, so good, Quinn. Please...please want me..."
"I want you, I always do," he whispered as he altered his angle to hit her g-spot. "I want you to know how amazing you are." He grunted softly with every thrust, his abs burning at the strain of keeping up the angle and intensity.
"Kiss me," she hissed, her body trembling on the verge of another orgasm, "Please..."
He leaned down and captured her lips, his tongue teasing her lips to part them. He slid his tongue inside so he could taste her mouth, kissing her hard as he continued to thrust inside her.
Santana moaned into the kiss as her body pushed through into an orgasm, clenching over and over on his member as it continued to slide in and out of her slick core. She gasped for breath, her nails digging so hard into his back, she was certain she was leaving welts but she couldn't help it. Her body was a tense as a drawn bow beneath him for a long moment as she came, but finally she relaxed, slumping back down into the mattress but keeping her arms and legs wrapped around him, holding him close.
"Don't move," she whimpered, wanting to cling to the closeness of a little longer. "Just... please don't move. I want... I need to stay like this for a little bit before we go back to the real world."
He laid his body on hers, unable to hold himself up. He rested his head on her chest and tried to catch his breath. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you for accepting me."
She let her legs relax from around his hips, but kept her arms around his upper body, gently stroking his back. "You're my friend, Quinn. I know most people think I'm a shallow, vain, status-obsessed bitch, but I've always tried to be there for my friends." She laid like that under him, feeling him inside of her, for what felt like forever before she finally whispered, "Come home with me. You can change at my place and leave your guy stuff there so your asshole dad doesn't find out. I know you'll get in trouble for staying out all night, but I've still got one of your spare Cheerio uniforms and Sue calling a stupid long practice is always a good excuse."
He nodded hating the idea of having to be Lucy again. "Yeah..." He sighed, kissing her softly before gently pulling out and rolling onto his back. "Yeah, we should bounce."
Santana whimpered at the loss, but pushed herself up and started straightening her clothes. "Quinn," she began, running her fingers through her hair and untangling the worst of the knots, "if you're a guy... like really a guy," she glanced over at him, "then you're a guy no matter what you wear or how you're shaped. Dealing with your asshole dad is like, I don't know. Playing a role in one of those ridiculous musicals Glee tries to put on every year. It's temporary and not you, you know? I mean, I rocked the part of Anita, hands down, but I'm not her."
"I know, San," he said as he looked at her with a sad smile. "I'm gonna go," he nodded to the bathroom and quickly went inside and washed off his strap on and wiped the remainders of his arousal out from between his legs before heading back out and pulling on his boxers and jeans. He pulled his shirt on and pulled his hair back into a ponytail. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, "Ready to go?"
She'd used the time in he was in the bathroom to finish getting herself presentable and stood with a smile. "Yeah," She reached out and took his arm, leaning against his shoulder as she stood beside him for a moment. "I really hope that you do plan on asking me out some time, Quinn," she whispered nervously as they headed out of the room and got into the car after dropping the room key in the drop box. "Because I'm not sure I could handle it if that's a lie." She reached across the console to take his hand, looking anxious as she buckled up and put the SUV into drive to head back to the club for Quinn's car.
"I'm gonna ask you out," he assured her with a smile, "I'm gonna do it all proper." He squeezed her hand and looked out the window as they drove. Once at the club, he got out and got into his own car before following Santana back to her house.
Santana couldn't help the tiny smile that curled her lips as she headed back to her house, or the quick glances in her rearview periodically to check that Quinn was still back there. She was happy for once in her high school life. Quinn Fabray, the one person she'd actually gotten into fights with Brittany about because of her crush, wanted to be with her. Wanted to date her. Which was somehow even better. She laughed softly, unable to contain it. So what if Quinn was a guy? He was still built like a girl. Still soft like one with the same alluring smells of one. She could live with him being a guy even help him be one if it made him smile like he did a little while ago.
She pulled into her driveway and carefully parked before hopping out and heading up the porch to the front door with a little shiver. Her parents weren't home, but it was definitely cold outside and she almost fumbled the keys twice before she got the door unlocked she was shivering so bad in her little dress. Finally, she got it open and breathed a happy sigh of relief at the warm rush of air as she opened the door, waving at Quinn to hurry up and join her.
Quinn got inside the house with Santana and smiled, "I haven't been here in a long time." He smiled as he looked over to Santana. "We should go get cleaned up, right?" he asked looking to the stairs.
"Please, two weeks is not a long time unless you're a baby. But you've never been here as," she glanced over at him with a shy smile as she closed the door, "you know... you before. So... is what it is, right?"
"True," he said as he climbed the stairs to Santana's room. Once inside he sat down on her bed and stretched, "So. Cheerios uniform?"
"In the closet," Santana muttered, hauling her dress up and over her head before tossing it in the hamper and walking across the room to her closet nude to find something to wear. She riffled through things for a moment before coming across the dry cleaning bag. "Here we go." Tossing it over to the bed for Quinn, she bent over to search through the shelves in the closet for something for herself.
Quinn just smirked and watched, "You're really beautiful," he said as he began stripping. He took off his jeans and strap on and picked up the duffel bag the brought in from the car.
"Huh?" Santana glanced back over her shoulder then realized just how exposed she was making herself to Quinn, "Oh..." Shrugging, she smiled shyly and turned back to her task, picking a sports bra and a pair of high cut bikini briefs, to go under her tight tank top and yoga pants. "I... um... you like looking at me?" she whispered shyly as she turned back around.
"I've always liked looking at you, Santana," he said as he put the strap on on the bed and folded his jeans. He pulled off his shirt then wiggled out of his binder and folded them too. He pulled on a pair of boyshorts underwear and then his skirt.
She smiled and headed over to the bed, letting her fingers drift over his strap on. "Leave this here?" she asked softly. "I kinda like the idea of having the real you around me all the time," she teased, leaning in to kiss him, leaving her hands on his strap on almost absentmindedly and only touching him with her lips while he was partially dressed.
He moaned softly into her lips as he wrapped his arms around her. "I like that idea too," he smiled and nipped her lip as he pulled away from the kiss.
"You need to finish getting dressed or it'll be too hard for me to let you leave," Santana whispered, looking up at him with eyes hazed with want. "Here," she handed him one of her spare sports bras, "it might be a little tight, but I figured you'd appreciate the compression. Make you a little more... you and well, if you've gotta look like a girl, I kinda like the idea of you wearing something of mine." She offered a lopsided smile with a shrug as she spoke.
"Thanks," he said softly, as he pulled on the sports bra and then pulled the top on. He slumped in his posture, the confident air that surrounded him when he was in his male clothing vanishing. He looked in the mirror and pulled his hair into as much of a ponytail is it could go before turning to Santana. "Thank you for last night, it was lovely," he smiled as took her hand.
"Any time," Santana smirked, then pulled him in so she was pressed up against him, her fingers gripping his top as she leaned in and kissed him - a possessive kiss, hungry and wanting. "You're still a guy to me," she whispered, trying to give him that alluring confidence back, "no matter how you look or what you wear," she took one of his hands pressing it between her legs and whimpering softly, "I know you're a guy. I'm gonna be feeling just how much of a guy you are for days. So whenever you see me walking funny, Quinn, I want you to remember that you and that big cock are the reason, okay?" She licked her lips and smiled uncertainly up at him. "You're gonna be my boyfriend, right?"
"Yeah," he smiled, pressing their foreheads together. "I'm gonna be your boyfriend." He kissed her nose softly before hugging her. "I'm sorry this has to be a secret," he whispered. "I'm sorry I can't be better for you."
"Um, Quinn?" Santana raised a curious brow as she leaned against him, "You see how people treat Berry for having gay dads. Or Kurt, Blaine, or me for just being queer. I don't want you treated like any of that. It's safer for this to be a secret for now." She placed her hand over his heart and smiled at the feeling of it beating, "I don't want anyone treating you bad cause your asshole dad's swimmers were too stupid to give you the right body."
Quinn laughed softly as he hugged Santana. "Thanks, San," he smiled and pulled away, capturing her lips one last time before putting all of his clothing into the duffel bag. "I'll see you at school? Actually... Can I pick you up for school tomorrow?" he smiled hopefully.
"Save me from walking in the fucking cold?" Santana smirked, "Hell yeah you can! You know I can only borrow the Escalade on the weekends. Daddy said I could have a car or I could go to college and I'd rather get out of here." She smiled happily at the thought of getting out of Lima. "You're getting out too right? Maybe we'll get in the same school?"
"Yeah, if my academics are strong enough I'm hoping for a full ride for English or pre-law," He shrugged, "Alright, text me tonight, okay?" he asked as he headed down to his car.
"Definitely," Santana smiled softly, standing just inside the door and waving as she watched him head out to the car. It was strange thinking of Quinn as a guy, especially when she could see him looking very feminine like he was right then, but it was just as strange thinking she'd been fucked sore by the feminine girl he presented as a front. In the end, she decided to just not think about it and enjoy being wanted for once.