I Know You Want Me - Chapter Twenty-Five

[thelastpen]

Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 134,067
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm

Author's Note: With this, I'm caught up and will be going back to the previous once a week schedule. Enjoy the chapter, everyone. :)

Chapter 25

"Are you sure you have his bottle?" Rachel asked for what felt like the fiftith time since they'd gotten up that morning.

She'd spent almost two hours the night before packing and unpacking his diaper bag to make absolutely certain they had everything before her fiancee had managed to convince her to come to bed. Now they were standing in line waiting to board the plane, AJ clutched to his mother's chest. She looked up at Santana nervously, reaching for her hand as she remembered how unhappy the last flight they'd been on had been for the little boy.

"Yes, I have his bottle, his monkey, his pacifier, that nasty grape water stuff you give him when he gets angsty, and and if all else fails we have your tits," she said as she rubbed her son's back and held the car seat that was going to get stowed in the airplane. "He's older now and he's tired since it's freaking 6:00am... so he's gonna sleep. We can bundle him up when we get to Ohio but right now he should be good in his pajamas." She smiled and looked at her son in his Star Wars pajamas.

"I hope so," Rachel fretted, shifting the boy in her arms slightly, "I hate when he's hurting that much and I can't help him. It makes me feel like the worst mother ever." She leaned against Santana slightly until the attendant smiled and waved at them, directing them to get in and seated before the others so they could secure the seat and settle their son before it got crowded.

"You're the best mom." She smiled and kissed her girlfriend's head and handed the tickets to the attendant. "Thanks." She smiled to the older woman and helped Rachel with their carryons before getting to the plane.

Santana handed the car seat to the male flight attendant and they headed to their seats. She let Rachel sit near the window so that it would cause less people to coo over their son and she sat down by the aisle. She pulled the light green blanket out of the bag and laid it over Rachel and AJ after putting her lover's seatbelt on her. "Do you want the pacifiers or one of the toys he can suck on for take off?"

"Please?" Rachel looked up from where she'd been stroking AJ's hair with a grateful smile. "Is it okay if I sleep too? I didn't get much rest last night worrying about this flight..."

Santana nodded and grabbed the pacifier and sucked on it for a second knowing AJ hated cold things in his mouth. After a moment she popped it in his sleepy mouth as he sighed and gave out a yawn. "Of course you can sleep." She smiled softly, after popping a piece of gum out of her packet and slipping it into her own mouth then offering one to Rachel's.

Rachel shook her head, never having had a problem flying before. She just yawned sleepily and leaned over to rest her head on Santana's shoulder. "I love you, you know," she murmured, "but next year maybe your dad can come down and join us for the holidays instead."

"But... he'll be like one in a half and can play in the snow with me." Santana pouted, not really loving the idea of not being with her dad and having a white Christmas. "But... we can talk to him." She chewed her gum and sighed. "I just like having family around... At least we got to do Hanukkah with Puck... we can play dreidle with Aaron next year too!"

"Part of it and you just want a new toy to play with," Rachel teased, reaching up to tap Santana's nose. "But I'd rather we alternate years if possible. I want him around on the holidays too. I just want to spend at least a couple in our home, Santana. And I'd like for your dad to be there, if that's okay."

"Totally." She smiled as she kissed Rachel's nose before the other passengers got on. She pulled the blanket over Aaron's head and rested back. "I understand and I want my daddy to spend time with his grandbaby so he can come down, okay?" she smiled.

"Awesome," she murmured, snuggling in as close as she could while buckled up and yawning tiredly as her eyes started drifting closed.

Thankfully the flight was uneventful and AJ slept through most of it as did Rachel. Santana had woken them both up with kisses and they got off the plane. After collecting their bags, Santana took them outside to the rental care she had procured through her father. "Ready to head to Lima? Are you hungry? Should we get food first?" She asked as she took AJ out of the sling and put him into the carseat.

Rachel stretched, looking around and shivering in the chilly December air. "I'd rather just head back to Lima. Aaron is starting to wake up and I'm afraid I'm not really in the mood to handle a fussy baby in a restaurant right now. Can we just go see your dad and let him play with his grandson for a little while while we go somewhere to get a salad or something?"

"Sure, baby." She kissed her gently and handed Rachel her jacket. "I'm glad we bundled the baby up inside." She remarked before locking him in his seat and putting it securely in the car. She got inside and turned it on after putting the bags in the trunk and she looked at Rachel. "I love you, and I know neither of us love Lima... but it's family time okay? You're my family."

Rachel wrapped her arms around Santana's neck to pull her closer and kissed her softly. "And you're my family, Santana. But you'll please forgive me for being a little more anxious than before about seeing your father again, won't you?" She brought the hand wearing the band that had belonged to Santana's grandmother around where she could see it sparkling in the sun, smiling at it with a soft blush, "I wasn't wearing this the last time I saw him after all."

"That makes you extra special family." She smiled, "That's why he gave it to me." she smiled and pressed a light kiss to Rachel's lips. Santana started driving, pulling out of the airport and getting on the highway headed towards Lima.

When they pulled off the highway at the sign marked Lima, Rachel felt an uncomfortable fluttering of anxiety in her stomach. "I wish he lived somewhere else," she murmured, looking out the window, "I hate this town and the way it crushes the souls of everyone in it..."

"He might be temped to move to the south if we tell him how warm it is." She smiled as she reached over to hold Rachel's hand. "I hate it here as much as you do, we just have to do this okay? It's only a few days."

"Ooh, can we try that?" Rachel glanced over at Santana with a hopeful smile, squeezing her lover's hand, "I like the idea of him being around to see his grandson grow up in person instead of via Skype all the time. And if you simply must have your snowy white Christmases," she teased, "there's always vacations to places with lots of snow."

"We can ask.. not like anything is keeping him here." She shrugged, "My daddy likes his job but he doesn't love it... if he could find somewhere closer to Aaron and us? A better job? Maybe he could find a girlfriend or something..." She shrugged, hating that her dad had no one now that she was gone. "I want him to be happy, you know."

"Definitely," Rachel pulled Santana's hand up so she could kiss it. "Also... he was a lot more accepting of the girl who pushed his child into sexual congress that had surprising repercussions than most parents. I," she bit her lip, looking down shyly, her voice softening, "I'm glad he accepted me..."

"He's a good guy." She smiled as she pulled onto the street she grew up on in Lima Heights Adjacent. "He loves you and our son." She said with a yawn. It was only mid afternoon but it had taken forever to get to Lima and Santana hadn't slept much the previous night. She pulled into the driveway and smiled, "We're here." She said as she kissed Rachel, she got out of the car and moved around carefully on the slightly icy driveway to get Aaron out of his seat. "Ready to see Abuelo?"

AJ laughed and reached for Santana as she went to unhook him from his carseat, getting a handful of hair and squealing happily. "Maybe we should just stay home tonight," Rachel murmured, smiling at the antics of her fiancee and child as Santana tried to get sticky fingers free without too much damage. "You're tired and it's been a long day already. Honestly, I'd be entirely happy to just curl up on the couch with you and watch your father play with his grandbaby at this point."

Before Santana could even respond Miguel came out of the house in just a tshirt and jeans. "Santana! Rachel!" He smiled as he walked around the car to wrap the smaller of the two girls into a hug, "How was your flight?" He asked as Santana worked on getting the baby out.

Santana giggled softly to her son as she heard her dad's voice. "Su abuelo es loco," she whispered causing AJ to giggle and let his hands go. She scooped him up, his black onsie jacket holding his little arms hostage as he tried to flail them around. She stood up and looked at her fiancee and her father hugging with a smile and closed the door with her hip. "No hugs for me and tu nieto?" she said with a slight pout. "No fair."

"Don't be ridiculous," Miguel laughed, coming over and stealing the baby away, "I always have hugs for mi nieto bello. Ah, he's getting so big! You girls make beautiful babies, but I hope you'll wait before giving this little one a sibling," he shot a telling look at Santana.

Rachel laughed at the slightly shocked expression and came over to hug her fiancee. "We're not in any rush," she spoke to Miguel but her eyes were on her lover as she smiled softly, "we've got the rest of our lives after all. Right, Santana?"

"Hey!" She pouted and scuffed her converse into the snow. "We're careful.. I just... you know I didn't think..." She just looked down with a scowl on her face. "fine, Daddy, love the baby and not me... I see how it is."

"No scowling," Rachel murmured, leaning up to kiss Santana softly, "it makes your beautiful face unhappy. He's just giving you a hard time. It was incredibly rare that Aaron was conceived and we all know that, right, Mr. Lopez?" She looked over at him, raising a brow curiously.

Miguel let out a big guffaw, finally coming over to hug his daughter with one arm, the other still wrapped around AJ. "You picked a good one, baby girl. You'd better keep her around to keep you in line."

She nuzzled into her father embrace, smiling softly at the comforting smell of his aftershave and Irish spring soap. She hugged him tightly. She'd missed him every day since they left. He raised her, he was her best friend and she missed him. There were moments when Rachel's depression was at it's worse that had made his absence even more telling. "I missed you, daddy."

He held her close far longer than he'd held Rachel, just breathing in the familiar scent of his child. "I've missed you too, mija. So much." He kissed the side of her head. "So much."

Rachel just stood off to the side, feeling slightly sad that there wasn't really anyone who would miss her that much. She sighed softly with a wistful little smile and moved to start getting their luggage from the trunk of the car. Her fathers had made their choice when they put their work above their child, but it didn't mean she didn't wish they'd be just as warm and welcoming with her and her little family as Santana's father.

Santana pulled away and blinked away tears. "Daddy, take Aaron inside and get out of the cold, we'll be in soon," she said sternly before kissing her baby's nose. "His face is cold, now go." Miguel laughed softly and took the baby inside the house. Santana took a breath and gathered herself and headed to the back of the car. She pulled out the baby's suitcase and hers and Rachel's while she struggled with the carry ons, "Thank you for coming home with me."

"Of course," Rachel gasped, finally getting the carry on out before looking up at Santana with a soft smile. "Where else would I go? You're my family, Santana."

Santana put the smaller suitcase on top of the larger one and smiled softly, "I love you." She whispered and pressed a kiss to the girl's lips. She followed Rachel as they headed into the house, they were greeted by the warm sent of a fire in the fireplace, the soft crisp scent of the Christmas tree and the wafting smell of cumin and spices bubbling on the stove. "Dad, did you make that chili vegan?"

"Mmhmm," he smiled as he looked up from where he had AJ laying on his back and giggling so hard he was shaking. "This little boy's got quite the laugh." He beamed as he kissed AJ's face and hands.

"He's got Rachel's big mouth and vocal cords." Santana teased as she put the bags down. "Baby, my dad made vegan chili." she smiled as she took off her coat and hung it up.

Rachel rolled her eyes as she hung her own coat up. "I appreciate the effort, Mr. Lopez, and if your daughter doesn't watch her own big mouth, you'll have far less to worry about regarding the likelihood of a second grandchild."

She gave Santana a telling look with a teasing smirk. They'd gotten to a place where the banter that had given Santana such a bad reputation at McKinley had somehow just become part of how they flirted with each other. She knew her fiancee didn't actually mean anything offensive by the way she threw things out there, so she'd decided not to let it offend her and just play along.

Santana smirked and brought the bags up to the bedroom and then came back down with the diaper bag. "Aaron, show Abuelo how you roll over!" Santana smiled as she took Rachel's hand and moved them to sit on the couch. Santana slipped onto the floor and sat with her back against the couch in between Rachel's legs near her father and son. "Daddy, put him on his back and he will roll over." She smiled proudly.

Rachel relaxed back into the couch as Santana settled in front of her, idly combing her fingers through Santana's hair as Miguel moved AJ onto his back on the floor. "She just wants to brag about how fast her son is developing," she teased. "Were you going to mention how I've caught you practicing with him at all hours, love?"

Once Miguel wasn't holding onto him any more, AJ looked around curiously. Hearing the sound of his mother's voice, he looked towards her, laughing happily and kicking. He leaned over, reaching for his moms with both hands and slowly rolled from his back over onto his tummy with a happy chortle as he found himself closer. He pushed himself up on his chubby little arms, gaping happily at his moms, a thin line of drool oozing down his chin. He reached for Santana with one arm, making happy baby motorboat noises and slightly unsteady with only one arm supporting him.

"There's my brilliant boy." She smiled and wiped his face with her thumb. "Do you wanna crawl to momma?" She asked holding her hands out and making her legs out into a 'v' shape. "Come on, baby, come see me."

Miguel moved to sit next to Rachel on the couch watching his daughter and grandson. "How are you feeling, Rachel?" He asked softly, patting her knee. "Things less overwhelming?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes more, sometimes less. We do have a lot on our plates right now." She looked down at Santana trying to coax their son into a crawl with a fond smile, "But I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I have Santana to help and no child could ask for a better mother than her."

"It's a lot for anyone. I hope you know you can call me anytime you feel like you need to vent at someone whose not Santana..." He said softly, "I know your parents... they haven't been around much from what Santana told me." He smiled when he saw the ring on Rachel's finger, "Plus, we're family now right?" he said with a gentle tap to the top of the ring.

"Almost," Rachel whispered, smiling down at the ring before looking up at him, "almost family. I," her voice softened to try and not let Santana overhear, "I want to ask her too. Girls like to be asked and she shouldn't have to lose the chance to have that because she's with me." She licked her lips, smiling shyly up at the older man, "If... if you don't mind, I truly would like your permission to ask her to marry me and be my wife, Mr Lopez..."

"Of course, Rachel." He beamed, "Santana... she deserves that too and I can think of no better person to be with her forever than you... You love her and care for her despite the fact she's special and because of it." He smiled down at Santana who had moved to lay under the Christmas tree with AJ lying on his back on her stomach and looking up at the lights.

"I love her because she's amazing and a truly beautiful person, inside and out, Mr Lopez," Rachel smiled at her family. "The way I feel has nothing to do with her body." She looked back at Miguel, her eyes serious, feeling defensive of her lover even towards her father, "If her body was as feminine as her internal self or if she was 100% a man, I would still love her just as much. She's special because she's Santana, sir, and there's no one else like her in this entire world, not because of how she happens to be shaped."

"I know that." He smiled at his soon to be daughter in law. "And you have no idea how long I worried that Santana would never find someone who understood that. So thank you for making her feel so loved and loving her so much." He said softly, "I'm more than happy that you two will be married."

Rachel blushed, embarrassed at being so defensive around the one person who understood Santana almost better than the other girl did herself. "I'm sorry, sir. I just," she took a breath, "I love her. I love our son. Sometimes I get incredibly sad but it's never really her fault. She's amazing and a wonderful mother. She's my family... she made me understand what that word really means. I... you'll be there, right? When we get married? I don't have anyone to give me to her, but," her lips twitched, "I'd wear a suit and wait at the end of the aisle in a Christian ceremony to see her come down it on your arm in a dress..."

"I will of course give her away to you. Maybe... Aaron can give you away to her, or your dads..." He asked softly, "But I will give her to you. I promise that." Miguel smiled and pressed a kiss to Rachel's head. "Now, hot apple cider or hot cocoa?" He smiled and stood up to go prepare a drink and some snacks.

"I don't think they'll even be there," Rachel whispered almost under her breath, trying to ignore the brief pang that caused as she smiled up at the man, "Cider please. Thank you."

He nodded and quickly headed off into the kitchen.

Santana remained laying on her back gazing up at the twinkling lights with Aaron. She spoke softly in Spanish, her hand around his stomach and one behind her head. She spent most of her Christmas time as a child in the same spot, something about the lights calmed her and made her forget that they wouldn't be going to any family or friends' houses to share the holiday.

Rachel sat on the couch and just watched them quietly for a while. "It's strange," she finally spoke, looking around with a soft smile, "I never really decorated my house for holidays, just lit the menorah. Maybe watched some of the old movies that are always played around now. I... don't really know what to do here with everything so bright and pretty..."

"My dad said Christmas was his favorite. His parents used to make their house all pretty and Sofia came from a big family and Daddy said that they used to go to huge Christmas parties and stuff when they were together and in college," she said, as she turned her head to look at Rachel. "He just wanted to let me experience some of the same stuff that he did."

"I'm glad you had that," Rachel murmured with a soft smile, leaning back in the sofa and trying not to feel out of place in the brightly lit room so very different from how she was used to spending the holidays.

She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected. Maybe a wreath on the door or a tree in the corner like the one they'd decorated once in Glee junior year, but this was far more. Tinsel was strung about - conspicuously out of the reach of grabby baby hands. Garland wound the banister on the stairs. A nativity set sat out on display on the mantle across the room. It was very Christian and for a young Jewish woman who'd mainly raised herself, fairly overwhelming.

"It's not like we had family to go with but yeah we entertained ourselves," she sighed, a slight pain in her heart for a family she knew her dad left behind when he chose to leave his wife. "My dad does not like to be reminded of his family... it hurts too much I think."

"Yeah," Rachel whispered, shrugging her shoulders with a wry smile, "I understand that."

She missed her fathers, missed the happy holidays she only vaguely remembered with the big men. She never had been able to figure out what made them stay away more and more until even her birthday and big performances for Glee were just a card in the mail and maybe, if she was lucky, a good wishes email. Never figured out what she'd done wrong. So she tried not to think about it, but the holidays always made it hard. Thanksgiving. Hanukkah. Even her Papa's beloved Christmas. She had Santana and their son now, but there was still an ache in her heart where her fathers were supposed to be.

"Baby," Santana called out, "come lay with us?" She asked, hearing the pain in her lover's voice.

Rachel looked away from where she'd been staring blankly at the nativity set to meet Santana's gaze. She did her best to smile as she pushed herself to her feet and crossed the room to lay beside Santana. She curled into her side, one arm curled between them, the other resting on their son's chest as he wiggled and reached for the lights, her head on Santana's shoulder. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I don't want to mess up your enjoyment of the holiday..."

"You're not," she replied. "You could never mess up anything." She wrapped her arm around Rachel and tangled their fingers on AJ's chest. "Holidays are here to make us sad. I figured out that a long time ago... they remind us of people we lost or people who don't like us anymore," She whispered, "Your dads suck for not keeping in touch with you and I hate them for that. They're missing out of knowing this awesome baby we created. I hate Sofia, my mother for hating me and getting the rest of her family to hate me. I hate my grandparents for not being open minded and not loving me and my dad enough to get over it... I hate them all mostly because they'll never get to meet you and see how happy I am and meet our baby."

Rachel just shrugged and cuddled into the embrace. "I guess. I don't want Aaron to feel like that. I want him to be happy. I want him to know he's loved and to have friends to go see. Anyone who doesn't want us," she nodded her head determinedly, trying to cement the belief into her mind, "doesn't deserve to know our son. They're not allowed to make him unhappy."

"Well.. unlike us he has both loving parents, a grandfather who would walk through glass to see him and Tia Quinn and Uncle Puck." She smiled and kissed her girlfriend. AJ reached his arms up and tried to bat the branch just out of his reach.

"And his Mami should remove him from under the tree before he damages his eyes staring at the lights or learns to try and get a hold of it," Rachel leaned in and kissed Santana, raising her brows, "which could be exceedingly bad once he learns to walk. Or would you like to be the one home hearing the crash as he pulls our tree over on top of himself?"

Santana humphed with annoyance and carefully slid them from under the tree. "Fine. I did the same thing and I turned out kinda alright," she pouted, but took him out and into her lap as her father came out with a tray of mugs and cookies.

"One of my patients is a strict vegan too, Rachel, and she gave me this recipe for snickerdoodles." he smiled and put down the tray. He handed Rachel her mug and left Santana's on the table.

"Thank you, Mr Lopez," Rachel murmured, reaching for a cookie to nibble on with a shy smile. She felt like she should be restrained around the man, constantly pulling herself in and trying to prove she was good enough for Santana.

"No problem," he smiled before sitting down next to Santana and taking AJ. "Drink your hot chocolate, San," he said softly as he let the baby play with his fingers. Santana slid over to the tray and dunked her cookie in her cocoa.

"Thanks, dad," she smiled. "He's gonna need a nap soon... Even though he slept the whole way here. He and Rachel were fretting all night."

"Mmhmm, of course," Rachel spoke almost absentmindedly, nibbling on her cookie, "Aaron and I were fretting. Because you're so incredibly cool you don't need to fret and never, ever do..."

"I am too chill to fret." She smirked as she leaned up and kissed her girlfriend. "I love you and I calmed you down for a little while, didn't I?" she teased as she bit her lip.

Rachel blushed and raised a brow. "Do you really want to get into that right now, love? After all, he's not my father and do you really want him knowing details of that nature about us?"
Miguel covered AJ's ears and hummed loudly, "I do not want to know!" He exclaimed, "I do not need to know!" he shook his head and closed his eyes.

Santana just giggled and kissed Rachel's lips softly before sitting back down and drinking her cocoa. "What's new in Lima, dad?"

Rachel laughed softly and moved to sit close to Santana, resting her head on her shoulder as she sipped her cider. "Is anything ever new in Lima? Perhaps it's actually trapped in a time vortex or something."

Miguel chuckled at the fanciful idea. "Well, I suppose it depends on what you girls consider new. There's a couple of new menu items at Breadsticks. It looks like the Fabrays closed up their house and left town once Quinn decided to head south to join you three with the Puckerman boy nipping at her heels."

"Good. I hate them..." Santana scoffed, "Quinn said they went to somewhere in Georgia closer to her sister. She's less than upset about it." She sighed, and rolled her neck. "Our apartment is playing host to Mrs. Puckerman and his sister for the holidays. They got to do the Hanukkah thing with Rachel and Aaron, it was really nice." Santana smiled and looked at her girlfriend, "They're surprisingly happy."

"Sarah and Mrs Puckerman are wonderful. Mrs Puckerman was more than kind enough to have me into her home for Hanukkah on more than one occasion. It's not my fault you cultivated such a promiscuous reputation, Santana," Rachel sniffed, teasing Santana about her "never say no" reputation that she'd managed to never have to act on before Rachel. "They're fond of me after all and Quinn's willingness to attempt to learn our traditions was considered endearing."

"Yeah yeah, Quinn's a bundle of cute." she rolled her eyes, "Q still goes to mass with me on Saturday nights with Aaron so she's still got her Catholic card." Santana smiled, "Daddy, my church asked if Aaron could play baby Jesus." She smiled proudly and took a sip of her drink, "They were sad when I sad he was going to visit Abuelito in LIma."

"I am sure he would be a perfect little Jesus," Miguel smiled at the boy, wiggling his hands back and forth as the baby laughed. "You take him to church?" He smiled brightly, looking between the girls.

"Of course," Rachel nodded, "he's a child of two faiths, so he should be exposed to two faiths. When he's old enough, he can decide which one he wishes to be part of in his adult life."

"He goes to temple with Puck and Rachel and Church with me..." She shrugged, "More religion is better than none I guess... I mean I have a pretty liberal church that doesn't wanna burn me in hell but... I mean we talked about it and decided it was best." She looked over at her son who was looking around and not paying attention.

"That's remarkably mature for teenagers such as yourself," Miguel pointed out, bouncing the boy slightly as he sipped his cocoa.

"We both do what we always have, daddy. Just with the baby now." She shrugged, "Rachel got like straight A's at school last semester!" She beamed proudly, "She's brilliant and I got Andre to let us sing at the club and Rachel does really good."

"Santana," Rachel chided softly, uncomfortable with being lauded for her academic achievements. "She's doing just as well as I am and working almost full time on top of it. I honestly don't know how she does it."

"Because I take two intro classes and cheerlead." Santana rolled her eyes, "I'm getting good enough grades to keep my scholarship... and the club is good... we only really are open Thursday, friday and Saturday so it's not that bad." She finished her cup and moved so she could rest her head on Rachel's knee. "Rachel's doing awesome, she's gonna try out for the musical in a few weeks."

"I don't know about that," Rachel murmured. Santana had been pushing her to try out but she wasn't sure she wanted to be away from AJ for the amount of time a play would demand of her. Maybe next year when he was a little older and Santana could bring him to rehearsals when she had time off work, but not now.

Santana sighed, hearing Rachel decline again. She hated that she was holding her girlfriend back in anyway. "Okay," she looked down and played with her hands.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Santana, honestly. I have years to prove myself at a collegaic level. Right now, our son is at his most rapid stages of development and I want to be here to see his milestones. He'll likely be our only child, so I likely only have one chance to experience his first steps, first words and I want so very much to experience them."

"I don't like holding you back," she said softly as she looked over at her son. It was times like this that Santana knew that no matter how much they loved their son he was still an accident that would screw up Rachel's life. She didn't like the idea of Rachel putting off any of her dreams. "But do what you want."

Rachel combed her fingers through Santana's hair. "You're not holding me back. I'm frightfully raw for performances at this level anyway. I'd rather take my time and be truly prepared for my first go at a college level tryout than try too early and fail. I'm just a freshman and at the rate we're taking courses, I'll have at least a couple of years to get my feet under me and try out for things."

AJ started fussing and Santana got up. "I'm gonna go change him and give him a bottle before he naps." She picked him up and carried him upstairs to her old bedroom. She changed his diaper and cuddled him in a blanket as he drank his bottle lying in her arms.

"I love you, Aaron..." She whispered, "I just... I'm scared I screwed everything up. That your mommy and I screwed up having you." She blinked away tears, not really knowing why she was crying. She was tired and stressed out by being back in Lima and all of her feelings were seeping through.

Back downstairs, Rachel just sighed softly and turned back to her cider. "I wish I knew how to make her believe that her and Aaron don't hold me back." She sipped at her cider, picking up a second cookie to nibble on. "They don't hold me back, they make me want to try harder and do even better than my best." She glanced up at Miguel with a wistful shrug, "I want to win my EGOT even more now that I know I have them behind me too."

"Santana has an unhealthy amount of guilt that she feels responsible for." He sighed, "She thinks that she made you give up your dreams and screwed everything up with your future. She thinks she ruined my marriage and my life by choosing to raise her as who she is..." He sipped his own drink, "I believe that you will do great things, and I know Santana wants the world for you."

"That's stupid," Rachel scoffed, proving for all her maturity, she was still a teenager in a lot of ways. "I didn't give up anything for her. I have a family now because of her. I have a reason beyond my own selfish need to be recognized as being worth something to succeed now. I have someone to look for in the audience and that makes it all worth it."

"Somewhere in that thick head of hers Santana knows that." he smiled, "why don't you go put Aaron to bed and take a nap with her then we can all have some dinner?"

Rachel smiled tiredly, leaning forward to set her mug on the coffee table. "That sounds like a lovely idea, Mr Lopez. Maybe I can cheer her up a little before dinner too."

Leaning over to give the man a shy hug, she got to her feet and made her way upstairs to tap on the door to Santana's old room. "Can I come in or do you need more time with just you and Aaron?" she smiled softly, leaning against the door frame.

Santana looked up from the book she was reading to AJ. "Nope, were cool... He's gonna crash soon." she said pressing a kiss to his head of curly hair. "I'm sorry I was being weird..."

Rachel moved over and slipped the sleepy boy from his mami's arms, kissing his head and walking him around a bit as she talked to Santana. "It's okay. It's this town. It's bad for us. You're just stressed out. Your dad suggested we take a nap before dinner."

"Maybe yeah. Lima is kinda a black fucking hole..." she sighed, rolling onto her side so she could watch Rachel. She pulled her messy bun out of her hair and ran her fingers through the locks that seemed to never end. "Maybe sleeping for the best."

As AJ dropped off, limbs going limp against his mother as she kept pacing. "How about instead I spend some time pampering my beautiful lover and helping her relax? If you want to sleep afterwards," she smiled over the baby's shoulder at Santana, "that can be arranged."

"You might be a sex addict," Santana smiled softly, "or I just think everything you say sounds dirty." she chuckled softly before getting up and unfolding the travel crib her dad had bought.

Rachel laughed softly, settling AJ into the crib once Santana had it set up. "If I'm an addict," she leaned up and kissed her fiancée softly, "then it's just of you. I was actually thinking of brushing your hair out and then perhaps a good rub down of your back. But if you need something more," she trailed her hand down Santana's chest lightly, "and can stay quiet, I'm sure I could think of something to assist you."

"I can be quiet," Santana stated as she looked up at her girlfriend. "I know I'll actually sleep if you let me come," she explained, unlike the previous night in which Santana solely focused on Rachel and never sought her release.

"I want to kiss you," she whispered, fingers easing down Santana's shirt and easing it open as she made her way down to her pants. "This is not about me. Just my beautiful girlfriend and fiancée. I just want to touch you," lithe fingers undid Santana's pants and eased them over her slim hips before pushing her gently back towards the bed Santana's father had gotten to replace the bed they'd taken to New Orleans with them. "Is that okay? If I just touch you?"

Santana simply nodded as she watched her lover. Her hand came up to tangle in Rachel's hair as her body broke out into shivers. "Please."

Rachel stretched out beside her on the bed, tracing her jaw with her lips as she slid her hand into Santana's special boxers and started stroking her hand over the girl's member like it was a pubic mound. "I love touching you, Santana. Have I ever told you that?" Her fingers slipped down to tease the hardening shaft's tip before sliding back up, her palm slick against the smooth veined skin. "You get so wet for me and your nipples are so hard," she nipped down to swirl her tongue around a stiff peak through her bra, "so tempting. I just want to take them into my mouth and suckle."

Santana whimpered biting her lip to keep from talking or making noise that might wake their son up. She looked at Rachel with a smoldering gaze. "Please," she whispered.

She didn't answer verbally, sliding up along Santana's body to capture her lips with hers and swallow the soft sounds coming from her lover as she slid her fingers around her member. She squeezed almost gently at the base Santana's erection, wringing upwards with a twist of her wrist to the head where she teased the tip with her thumb for a moment before sliding back down to repeat the motion, the movements almost awkward under the cover of her lover's underwear. Her lips moved against her lover's, tongue slipping out to part full lips and explore before pulling away again.

"You have to stay quiet," she whispered, continuing to stroke her lover as her lips caressed down her throat to the pulse throbbing just under the skin. "Don't want to wake Aaron or let your father catch us..."

Santana's hips thrust with Rachel's hand, her breath was shallow and high pitched as she struggled to hold back a moan. She brought one of her hands up to cover her eyes and the other to tangle in Rachel's hair. As much as she usually hated stimulation like that, her body couldn't deny it felt amazing when Rachel touched her.

"I love you," Rachel whispered, her breath hot over Santana's ear as she touched her. "You're my beautiful, amazing girlfriend. You're the woman I love and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with." Her lips moved down to brush Santana's pulse point, teeth nipping gently. "I love touching you, stroking your clit, feeling how wet you get for me. I love you, Santana."

Santana let out a tiny groan and pulled Rachel closer so she could kiss her hard, she kept the severity and force for her lover until she felt herself near release. "Gonna.." She panted as she pulled away from her girl's lips.

Rachel smiled down at her, whispering "Come for me then." She leaned back in, capturing Santana's lips with hers, kissing her hard as she picked up the speed of her stroking.

After a minute or two her hips shook and her mouth fell into a silent moan. Her body tensed as her essence spilled over Rachel's hand. She let out a weak gasp and fell back against the bed. Rachel laid still on top of her for a moment, just kissing her gently and holding her loosely. Eventually she slipped her covered hand free of her lover's underwear and licked it clean with a pleased smile.

"You always taste amazing," she whispered, leaning in to kiss her. "Want me to clean you up or just find you a change of underwear?"

"I think maybe I'll just grab a quick shower..." she said softly as she kissed her girlfriend. "New clothing and everything will be clean and whatever." She smiled and stood up on shaky legs. She pulled off her top and pushed down the rest of her pants before grabbing her towel and heading into the ensuite.

"Not fair," Rachel groaned softly, watching her lover head into the bathroom. She flopped back on the bed, letting her head roll until she could see AJ burbling in his crib, waking up from his brief nap to wriggle on the mattress of the crib. "You are so loved, little man," she whispered with a smile. "We're going to do everything to make sure you are more loved than we ever were growing up."

AJ stretched his arms up, not paying attention to anything more than his stretching and new found limb freedom. His mom just laid there on the bed, her body turning towards him as she watched her child move with a soft smile. It still amazed her sometimes to see him, to know that she'd created that little life with the woman in the bathroom.

There were still times, like now, where she just wanted to lay there and watch him, learning new things about her son with every moment. She didn't have time for a new production right now. She was too busy with this one and she didn't regret it. Regretted the missing sleep sometimes and worried about the future lots of times, but, watching their son learn about the world around him and knowing her lover was just in the other room, she couldn't bring herself to regret it.

AJ kicked his legs out with a rush of air from his mouth, he managed to curl his legs up to his chest and roll around slightly. The water in the bathroom turned off and Santana reentered the bedroom in a towel. She quickly got dressed and smiled at him, "The boy's refusing to sleep... Wanna see if he wants to cuddle with his moms?"

"Absolutely," Rachel smiled, pushing the covers back and sliding in to wait for her fiancee and son. "I hope we didn't wake him," she teased, holding the covers up for Santana to come in.

Santana picked him up and kissed his face and smiled when he hugged around her neck. She carefully slid into the bed and lay down with him snuggled into her chest. "He normally cries when we wake him up, I think he just wanted cuddle times." She smiled and waited for Rachel to wrap her arms around her.

Rachel settled the covers around them and wrapped her arms around her son and lover, one leg shifting to slide over the girl's hip as she cuddled in close. "That could be. I think he gets that from both of us, don't you think? The urge to cuddle with the people he loves."

"Maybe. Or he's just a attention whore," she smiled and kissed his cheeks. "But he's so warm and cuddly all the time I love it." She smiled and held them both. "We should get some rest." She yawned as she started to drift off.

Rachel sighed softly with a little smile, resting her head on Santana's shoulder near their son lying on the girl's chest. Her fingers drifted gently down AJ's back until the boy slipped into sleep. Satisfied, she let go of her own hold on consciousness and dropped off herself, snuggled into Santana's side, an arm around her and their son.