Dare to be Aware - Chapter Ten
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 37,928
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 10
The breakfast date with Kelly had gone well and Quinn had started his weekend in a relatively good mood. That evening, he'd decided to go out. His father was away on a business trip and his mother had already passed out drunk so he got dressed at home and spritzed some cologne on before leaving and heading out to the club. Strolling in, he headed over to the bar and grabbed a beer. He looked around for a moment before he saw her. Right on time, he thought as he watched Santana dance.
Her short black dress rode up her thighs as she ran a hand through her loose locks, rubbing her body up against the guy dancing close behind her with his hands on her hips. Quinn watched with a sad smile as she all but threw herself into dancing with the man who looked just a little too well dressed to be straight - especially in this club. Quinn's black denim jeans and a simple white v-neck shirt covered by a black vest topped off with a grey fedora and his signature black Converse was drawing attention - not only from the occasional straight women who found her way into the bar, but more than a few gay men. However, his eyes were glued to Santana's body as it writhed against her dance partner from the moment they'd landed on her.
Santana didn't care who watched her or what they were thinking about her as she writhed against her dance partner. She'd rarely been without a drink in her hand since the moment she'd walked in the door nearly two hours earlier and she hadn't paid for a one. The low cost of being smoking hot, she thought to herself with a smirk. Yet, when she opened her eyes, she found them meeting the strangely familiar hazel of the guy who'd been all but haunting her the last couple of weeks through the dim light of the bar.
He smirked and drank from his bottle as he followed her body with his eyes. She was sexy and he couldn't help but watch her. A man came up and bought Quinn a second drink, and he smiled at him as he walked away.
While he was distracted watching the guy who'd bought him the drink, Santana had moved from the dance floor to the bar and slipped up beside him. "So, you play for both teams?" she asked softly, whispering in his ear with a smirk as she leaned on the bar beside him.
"Nope, just like free beer." He replied as he kept his eyes off her and on the dance floor. He drank from his bottle and rested his back against the counter. "You seem to be here often enough... looking for something or someone?"
"I don't know," she looked him over, trying to figure out why he always seemed so familiar but unable to make the connection with her alcohol fogged mind, "I think I could say the same about you. You seem to like watching me though. Like what you see?"
"Yes." he said simply as he took another swig. "Is that a problem?"
She shrugged, "You seem a little straight for me, but... I can work with that. Do you ever dance or do you just scare all of the boys and girls off me for fun?"
"I can dance," he shrugged. "And you didn't seem interested in any of those people if you ask me," he remarked as he finished his beer and took her hand and led her to the dance floor. "You sure you weren't just waiting for me tonight?"
"Maybe I was, since you seem determined to be the only partner I have," she murmured into his ear as she wrapped her arms around his neck, her body pressing into his. "Think you have what it takes to show me a good time? I've got pretty high standards, you know."
"I think I proved last time that I can please you." He explained as he settled his hands on her lower back. "I think that you have been waiting for me to come and please you again with my thick dick." He husked into her ear.
She shivered slightly at the feeling of his warm breath flowing over her ear. "Maybe. But maybe a hard fuck in a backseat is all you're good for too. What if I don't want that tonight? Are you one of those one trick ponies?" She ground her hips into him as they danced, pressing the bulge of his member back into his body. "You got me once, but if that's all you got, it's not enough for an encore, handsome."
"I can make you forget your name." He nipped at the side of her neck, "Do you wanna scream with pleasure as I fuck you until you plead for me to give you sweet release?"
"Mmm, you promise a lot," Santana whispered, moving with him, "but can you really deliver any of that? You told me you'd make me forget my name last time and I still know who I am. Not so sure who you are, but it'll come to me eventually." She slid her hands down to knead his ass, "Handsome guy like you doesn't stay unknown for long in a small town like this."
"I like the mystery." He husked, "I like watching you try to keep figuring out who I am." He turned her around and pressed himself into her ass. "I like fucking you, and I think you wanna fuck me too."
"You might be right," she agreed, reaching back to grip his neck as she slid down his body and back up, rubbing against his crotch. "But maybe I'm just looking for someone to fuck and you're handy." She leaned her head back against his shoulder and rolled her hips, pressing her ass back into the bulge of his unit, "I've got lots of options here. Lots of these girls want to get their fingers and tongues on my body. Why should I leave with a boy like you?"
"Because you keep coming back to me," he said simply as he moved with her. "Because despite your lady loving you keep coming back to me and I can satisfy you like they can't."
Santana snorted, "Please don't tell me you just suggested you could fuck me straight. Doesn't work like that and I just like sex. Boys, girls, doesn't matter. Women just have a special something you guys don't bring to the table that makes it a little better for me."
"No no, I know that. I'm not some stupid jock." Quinn said seriously, "I just said there is something that might keep your interest which is why you keep coming back." He smiled as he kept moving with her.
"You have soft hands," Santana offered simply. "Not soft like the gay guys in here who spend all their time primping, but gentle and well... soft. And you smell better than most of the guys I've been with. Not like they were dirty or nothing, I have standards. But I like how you smell..." She blushed slightly as she admitted it, trying to distract him by sliding one of his hands up from her hip to just below her breast.
"I like how you smell too... like spice and vanilla," He said, kissing the nape of her neck as he pushed her hair aside, "You're beautiful."
"I know," she whispered, tilting her head to the side to let him kiss her neck, her eyes falling closed as they kept moving together. "Everyone tells me that. You need something better if you want to get with me again."
"No, people tell you that you're sexy," he replied as he ran his fingers on the bottom of the girl's breast. "You, though, are beautiful. You are exquisite and sensual but you are so beautiful that it makes me smile just thinking about you. That's why I watch you."
"Please don't lie about things like that," Santana spoke so softly she was barely audible over the music as she stopped dancing. "Come on," she tugged on his hand, pulling him off the dance floor and towards the exit to try and keep him from saying things that made her heart hope, "let's get out of here."
He followed quietly, tilting the hat down on his head do she couldn't see his face much. "Where are we going?"
"My car," she replied, keeping a hold on his hand as she pulled him across the parking lot, shivering slightly from cold but not having worn a coat into the club. The Escalade chirped in the back corner of the lot where she usually parked as she pressed the button. "Unless," she looked back at him uncertainly, "you don't want to now?"
"Car is fine," he said as he followed her and took off his vest and wrapped her body in it. "Sorry, it's not much." He shrugged as he headed to the car. "I think it's too cold to strip in the parking lot like last time." He teased as he put his hand on the small of her back.
She took a deep breath biting her lip. "Maybe... would you like to find a motel?" she glanced up at him uncertainly, "I've had a bit too much to drive but... maybe?" She held out her keys, offering him more trust than she usually did with guys. If he hadn't spent most of the last week taking care of her and making sure she got home safe instead of taking advantage of her being way more intoxicated than she currently was, she wouldn't have been willing to. But he had and after being rejected at the football game last night by Kelly, she was hoping she could trust someone to not hurt her for once.
"We can go to the motel a few blocks from here," Quinn said as he opened the door for Santana. He helped her into the car and then moved to the driver's seat. He turned the car on and pulled out slowly, heading in silence to the motel. He reached over and put his hand on her thigh as they drove. He pulled in, "Wait here, okay?" He said softly as he pulled into a close parking space. He quickly ran inside and talked to the clerk for a few moments before paying and smiling on his return to the car. He opened her door and offered his hand. "We're in room 5."
She took his hand hesitantly, allowing him to help her slide out of the car. "I'm kinda nervous," she admitted. "I don't... I don't usually do... this." She nodded at the motel, following him to the room and leaning on the wall as she watched him open the door. "I know I've got a reputation and stuff, but... I really don't..."
"I don't either." He admitted, "I don't normally hook up with people, but since our time in the car I've wanted to see you again like that." He smiled and took her to the door. "If you don't want to... I can still drive you home. Or we can go inside."
She shook her head, offering a shy smile. "I don't want to go home. You... you're the sweetest guy I think I've ever met," she admitted softly. "Most guys don't try to take care of me at all but you do. It... makes me feel special. Thank you." She slipped into the room once he got the door open, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room and looking at the double beds. "So, um... what happens now?"
He laughed softly turning on a low light, "I'm not sure. I've never really done this before," he shrugged and moved over to the radio and put on a station for some background music, "I kinda wish this place was nicer, like not some random motel... It should be nice for you." He put his hands in his pockets and scuffed his feet against the floor.
"See? There you go being sweet again," Santana laughed to hide the fact that she felt like crying every time he did something nice for her. "Maybe," she took a breath, reaching behind her for the zipper of her dress, "maybe I should strip for you like last time?"
"If you want." He said, "We... or... I could help you?" He offered as he came around the back of her and put her hands on her waist. "If that's okay?"
"Yeah," Santana breathed, letting her hands slide away from the fasteners of her clothes and giving a little shiver of anticipation at letting him see her in the much better lighting of the motel. "Please..."
He pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck as he worked the zipper down. He ran his hands inside her dress as he helped her remove it until it pooled on the floor and Santana was only left in her thong. He kept kissing along her back as he kicked off his shoes and let his hands roam over the flat panes of the girl's stomach. "What would you like me to do now?"
"Can I..." she turned and slid her hands down his chest and stomach to the waist of his jeans, sliding her fingers under the waistband and fiddling with the button. "Please? The guys I've been with just undress enough to," she shrugged, "you know. Get it in. It... I just," she chewed on her bottom lip nervously before sighing and slipping her hands from his waist, "never mind..."
"I... Y-you can take them off." He whispered as he looked at her. He was scared, thinking that she would turn him away when she knew he wasn't a what she was expecting.
"Really?" she asked with a tiny smile that didn't go away as she bit her lip and carefully unfastened his jeans, kneeling as she slid them down his hips so he could step out of them. "You're really muscular," she murmured, sliding her hands over his legs, feeling the strong muscles, "but not like bulky. I like it," she smiled up at him from her place kneeling on the floor in front of him, her fingers brushing over his thigh just below the hem of his boxers. "Maybe I could make you feel good right here?" she breathed, running her hand over the hard bulge of his unit through his shorts.
He groaned as he looked down at her, "I.. I need to tell you something." he whispered, scared of getting rejected if he wasn't really biologically male.
She closed her eyes, waiting for rejection with a sad smile as she sat back on her heels. "What? You're married? You have AIDS? Whatever... you don't have to make excuses." She looked down at the floor, painfully aware of the pale patch on the side of her breast where her birthmark used to be as she folded her arms over her chest. "You don't want me, that's fine. You can go if you want..."
"No, sweetie," he smiled softly as he reached down to run his hand through her hair. He sighed and pushed down his boxers and stepped back letting her take in the fact that his penis was a strap on.
Santana looked at the harness holding his member snug against his body confusedly for a second. She reached up and slid her fingers over the straps, before gently stroking his member. "Did you have an accident? I've read about that before. Like sometimes stuff happens to a soldier's junk and he has to use a strap on after that..."
"No," he shook his head, watching her, "that's not it. I'm... I'm not... I wasn't born male, Santana."
"You... you're not a guy?" She sounded more confused than turned off. "Like... not a real one? But you're so much like a guy..."
"I was born a girl..." he said softly, "But, I feel like a guy in here," he touched his temple, "and in here." he laid his hand over his heart. "I'm a guy, but I don't have the right junk... Is.. that okay?"
She thought about it for a moment before letting out a sigh. "I don't understand. I'm not gonna lie and pretend I do, okay? But you're like a guy... who's a girl?" She shook her head. "That doesn't really make any sense, but," she shrugged, "you're you and you're really sweet to me so," licking her lips she leaned forward and closed her eyes before kissing the tip of Quinn's dick, "who cares if it's real or not? You know how to use it which is more than I can say for some guys." She glanced up at Quinn thoughtfully, her hand brushing up and down his shaft, "Are you sure it wouldn't feel good to suck you?"
"I wanna watch." He whispered as he watched her, "I wanna see your lips wrapped around me."
She smirked, back in her element as she pushed him to sit down on the bed. "Trust me, you don't want to stay standing for this. Not to brag or anything," she licked up his member from the base to the tip, swirling her tongue about the tip for a moment as she watched him, "but I'm pretty good at this." Taking just the tip in her mouth, she sucked, hollowing her cheeks as she rolled her eyes up to see his reaction, using her hand to push the base against his body under the harness, almost accidentally stimulating his clit.
"Oh shit," he groaned as his hand came up and rested on the back of Santana's head as he watched the girl bob up and down on his cock.
"I will get you off," she muttered as she let him slide out of her mouth with a pop, pushing the base down again as she licked him like a lollipop, making his dick bob in her hand, "I mean you gotta be able to have an orgasm. Everyone can..." The rest of her words were muffled as she slid down as far as she could go, gagging slightly as he brushed her uvula.
He whimpered again, his breath coming in pants as he bit his lip. "You feel amazing," he sighed as he arched up and rocked his hips making the base of his dick press into his core. "God..." he exclaimed, "I wanna be inside you."
She nodded, sliding off him and standing with a smile as she slid her hands down her body to the straps of her thong, hooking her thumbs in and slipping it down off her hips before tossing it away and leaving her completely naked and exposed to his lustful gaze. She put a hand in the center of his chest, pushing him back to lie on the bed, his member standing at attention. "Just lie back and let me take care of you," she whispered in her best attempt at a sultry voice.
Climbing onto the bed, she straddled him, hovering above his dick. "Do you know how wet I am for you?" she whispered, taking one of his hands and pressing it between her legs, his fingers sliding between her folds to encounter the slick, heat of her center, dripping with arousal. "Because I know what you are now. Because I know you're a guy," she reached down and coated her own fingers with her arousal and stroked his dick before lining him up and sliding down on top of him with a low groan, "who knows what it's like to be a girl." She shivered, as she started moving on top of him, riding him so the wet sound of their joining filled the room. "Touch me please... while you're in me, touch me..."
Quinn's eyes rolled back into his head and he nodded. "You feel so amazing," he whimpered and started to rock his hips up to meet Santana's thrusts. He brought his hand up to his lips and licked off the essence from his fingers before returning his digits to her clit. He put his head against her collarbone to avoid gazing into her eyes as he rocked with her.
She moved with him, whimpering with each brush of her breasts against the roughness of his shirt. She wasn't surprised he wouldn't look at her - no one who fucked her would - but it didn't mean it didn't hurt a little. Instead she leaned back to bring her breasts closer to his face. "Please... suck," she gasped, continuing to rock and letting out whimpers and moans as his member rubbed against her g-spot and his fingers stimulated her clit. At least if he was sucking her tits, it wouldn't sting as sharply when he wouldn't look at her.
He quickly looked up into her eyes, getting lost for a moment in her pain and lust filled pupils. He smiled softly before moving down to wrap his lips around the nipple and sucked as he pressed his dick deeper into the girl. He brought his other hand down to her ass and rocked them together.
She froze for the split second his eyes locked with hers. There was something in those hazel depths that called her to recognize him. She struggled with the recalcitrant memory but couldn't get it to surface before her body demanded a more physical reaction. She moaned loudly and knotted her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer as his lips and teeth sent sharp spikes of feeling through her body, her hips rolling faster against him. Her breath came in quick pants as she came closer and closer to the edge, her body stimulated to a frenzy by the triple threat of his dick, fingers and mouth.
He moaned against her breast as he continued to circle her clit quickly. Quinn quickly switched nipples and bit down softly as he continued to slowly roll his hips and pinched the girl's clit. "I want you so let go," he whispered as he looked up at her.
"Kiss me," she whispered, her breath coming fast as she lost herself in his strangely familiar eyes. "I want to feel wanted..." She shook on top of him, barely holding on to the edge, fingers digging into his shoulders as she rode him.
"You're so very wanted, Santana," he whispered as he cupped her cheek and pressed their lips together softly. He whimpered and arched up into her as he felt his own orgasm coming. "I'm gonna come," he whimpered against her lips.
She whimpered, trying to ignore the tears trickling down her cheeks as she rode him to her own climax. "Oh God," she sobbed, feeling the wave break over her, "Quinn!" She didn't know it was him she called out for as she tensed and spasmed against him. That he was the one she wished was pushing her over the edge and waiting at the bottom to catch her again.
He came with a gasp, then he heard his name ring through his ears. He fell back and pulled her with him, his dick still buried within her. He cradled her to his chest and stroked her back. He pressed kisses to her temple as he held her while she cried through her orgasm. He hadn't expected her to say his name, he knew that she hadn't recognized him... but the lingering reminder of what Kelly said the night before about Santana calling other people's names out whispered in the back of his mind. Quinn just never thought it would be his she called.
She wasn't in any place she was used to so she didn't react as she normally did, getting up and away from the person she'd been with. Instead she cuddled into his chest and let him hold her as she cried, her body pulsing around his member over and over in lingering remnants of her orgasm. "Why are you so nice to me?" she finally sobbed, "I don't deserve it. Stop making me want you..."
He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in the sent that was purely Santana. "Maybe I've wanted you all along. That's the only reason I'm here." He whispered into her ear as he stroked her back softly. "I'm nice to you because you deserve it."
"You don't want me," she cried into his chest. "No one does. I'm an unlovable bitch and I...I push everyone away and make them hate me. I don't deserve anyone being nice to me because I...I didn't want to come out yet. E-everyone says so..."
"Hey," He leaned up and wiped off the tears from her cheeks, "You're not unlovable... maybe unobtainable... but not unloveable okay. I'm nice to you because I think you are special and beautiful," he whispered as he kissed her forehead. "Don't worry about the outside world tonight, okay? You're drunk and maybe we should rest for a bit, sober up before we head out?" He said softly, hating when Santana got to her weepy stage of drunk. He knew there was no making her feel better.
"But I'm not unobtainable!" She sobbed, pressing her face into his chest and clinging to him. "I've tried and tried to give myself to people I liked but none of them wanted me! I'm not number one with anyone and I never have been! I don't know why I'm not good enough. I try so hard but I'm never good enough..."
"You've always been perfect, but maybe everyone else wasn't ready?" he whispered, "Maybe they couldn't be with you until they found themselves...?" he asked as he thought about his own feelings. He could have never been with Santana until he was okay with himself, then Santana came out as a lesbian and he though he lost his chance.
"I'll die alone of old age first," she scoffed, bitter and hurting. "I can't like anyone," she sniffled. "If I do, they end up hating me or...or they make me tell them how I feel and dump me for someone else. Or," she sneered, Quinn's rejection the most painfully recent, "they tell me they can't be a girl for me. As if that matters."
Quinn almost laughed, wishing Santana would figure it out. "If you say you're a lesbian... wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't someone not being a girl... wouldn't a man not be what you wanted?"
"I just like girls better than guys," she whimpered, unhappy and just wanting to be held. "Women are just... they're soft and gentle and smell good. But that doesn't mean guys are bad. It doesn't mean I don't like guys. I wouldn't be here if I didn't, right?"
"Maybe the person who turned you down is scared. Maybe he didn't know you'd be open to being with men," he whispered as he rolled her to the side. He carefully pulled out of her and held her tightly, "I just... being a girl might not be an option."
Santana whimpered, feeling the loss almost immediately and curling closer to him as if to make up for it. "Maybe no one ever asks me anything. Not if I'm ready to come out or if I might be okay trying with guys or anything. They all just want an excuse to leave me. You'll make one too eventually."
He reached for the blanket and put it over their bodies. "Sweetie, lets get some rest okay?" he whispered as he pressed a light kiss to her lips, "Close your eyes, San. I'll be here when you wake up."
"Maybe this time," she whispered, worn out by her own angst about people not wanting her. She nuzzled against Quinn's neck and cuddled close. She didn't really think he'd be there when she woke up, but at least he was there now and that was a major change from the way most of her drunk Saturdays ended.