The Way To Each Other - Chapter Fifteen
Title: The Way To Each Other
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 15
Two days after the dramatic attempt at running away, Quinn was carefully balancing a bowl of soup on a bed-tray as she made her way up the stairs. Tongue caught between her teeth in concentration, she backed into her room, pushing the door open with her shoulder. Turning carefully to avoid spilling the fragrant soup, she smiled at Santana’s pale face peeking out from under the mound of blankets piled on her bed.
“Hey, sleepy,” she smiled, coming over and setting the tray on the nightstand and helping Santana to sit up, “I brought you some soup for lunch. Do you feel up to eating?”
"Not really," Santana whispered hoarsely as she struggled to sit up. She had gotten sick from her excursion in the outdoors, she had been coughing hard since yesterday and she had a high fever and was overall very weak. She was still down on herself and not wanting any help because she thought getting sick was her fault. Rebecca wasn't talking to the dark haired girl yet, but Cindy had come up and spent a good part of last night taking to Santana while Quinn slept by her side. "But I can try."
"Let me help?" Quinn asked with a soft smile, moving the tray to rest across Santana's lap.
Since Santana's attempt at running away, she'd all but doted on the other girl, rarely letting her out of her sight for more than a few minutes at a time. As she settled on the bed, a sleek orange head with a white chin peeked up from under the cover with a sleepy meow. Quinn laughed, reaching over to stroked the kitten's head.
"I see you took Aunt Becca up on letting Toast stay with you." As she spoke a second head poked out from the covers on the other side of Santana, this one all black, "And Blackie I see."
"Toast bitched too much when Cindy tried to put him back out into the barn." Santana shrugged as she ran her fingers over the kittens head. "Then when Cindy came back from the barn your baby followed her into the snow." She smiled and pressed her index finger to Blackie’s nose. "So I got friends till I feel better. Cindy was gonna tell your aunt."
"Keep them out of the patient area and you can probably keep them after you get better too." Quinn suggested, petting the little ones, "We'll have to get them a litter box though."
"Cindy already got them a box." she sighed as she leaned over and looked at Toast. "As long as you’re cool with them being in here I'd like to keep them with us for a bit since you seem to be keeping me hostage in your bed." She said before slipping into a coughing fit. After a minute she caught her breath and sniffled, "I feel like death."
"I don't mind them being in here, San." Quinn smiled lopsidedly, stirring the soup. "As long as you're here to help me clean up after them," she whispered with a tiny smile as she scratched a purring Blackie's chin.
"Okay." Santana whispered as she leaned forward and opened her mouth. "Feed me. I don't wanna have to eat cold soup. And if I can't eat it, I demand cuddling and a movie because I feel like dying and I'm freezing."
Quinn laughed softly, spooning up some soup and carefully carrying it to San's mouth with one hand cupped under it. "How about cuddles and a movie whether you can eat or not?"
Santana managed to take some of the soup, until she started coughing too much. "No... can't eat any more," She whimpered as she watched Quinn take the tray away. Santana scooped up the kittens to make space for her friend, "Thank you... for trying to find me. Cindy told me last night you tried." She looked down at the kittens and she tried to move her legs to bring them to her chest but realized she couldn't. "I was really stupid."
Quinn settled the tray back on the nightstand and stretched out next to Santana, tracing little patterns on Santana's arm. "I had to," she finally whispered, tears she refused to let fall stinging her eyes. "It was my fault you left. I had to find you before something awful happened and I couldn’t fix it anymore. They wouldn't let me..."
"Then we both would have been sick..." she whispered as she reached down to tangle their fingers together. "I was stupid... I overreacted and left. I'm sorry, please don't cry over this. I just want to be... I want us to be okay. No matter what I'm here for you and I promise I won't leave again."
"Please don't," Quinn whispered, feeling miserable and pathetic for begging, "just...just please, if you ever feel you have to go, please don't leave angry at me. You're my best friend, Santana. I couldn't handle it if you hated me."
"I promise." She sighed and wrapped her arms around Quinn. "I got scared of how close you were with him. I didn't know I'd get jealous, I didn't understand how I felt. I've never felt like this about anyone before and it hurt seeing him flirt with you." Santana looked down sadly, "I'm stupid and I shouldn't treat you like you're mine or you belong to me. You're better than that."
"You’re not stupid, but I wasn't flirting, San. You know me, you know how I flirt." She shook her head, snuggling close and resting her head on Santana's shoulder, "Ryan just talks like that. He's got a girlfriend that he'd never cheat on, but he likes flirting. I just ignore it because it doesn't mean anything..."
"Okay." She sighed as she looked in Quinn's eyes for a moment before kissing the tip of her nose. She relaxed there for a moment before rolling away and coughing deeply. She rolled over, nearly crushing the kittens who let out a loud squeak before they climbed over her with disgust and moved to Quinn. When the girl stopped coughing, she caught her breath before rolling over and pouting. "Hey... stupid babies, way to leave me and go to her."
Quinn laughed, reaching over and rubbing Santana's back as she cuddled the kittens with the other arm, "It's not their fault. You're squirming so much they probably think you're going to squish them!"
"They should be so lucky to get squished by my boobs." She pouted as she moved to rest her head at Quinn's shoulder. "Are you gonna get sick?" She whimpered as she curled into her friend, not really giving her a choice to move or not. "I think that we should watch a movie?"
"I'm fine and if I do, then you'll take care of me, right?" Quinn smiled down at her friend, stroking her fingers through Santana's hair. "We can watch a movie if you want. What would you like?"
"Aladdin," she whispered, her voice taking on a childish tone. "Will you cuddle with me while we watch it?" Santana looked up pathetically and pouted, "Por favor?"
"Don't we always cuddle when we watch Aladdin?" Quinn smiled and kissed Santana's forehead before getting up to put the DVD in the player. "I think by this point it could be called a tradition."
"Yes, which is why I wondered why you even asked," she said through a cough, cuddling onto her side with the kittens resting against her. She watched Quinn set everything up then come cuddle her. "Thank you," she whispered as she tangled their fingers together.
"For what?" Quinn asked as the opening music began to fill the small room.
"For not giving up on me." she said softly, before watching the movie.
It had been a bit over a week and Santana still wasn’t better. She still had a fever early in the morning when Cindy checked on the girls. After waking Quinn up and telling her to get dressed, she carefully lifted Santana up and carried her to the car. She let Rebecca know that they were taking Santana to the hospital. A few hours later Santana had been admitted and the doctor had pulled Cindy and Quinn aside.
"Do you know Ms. Lopez's medical history?" he asked softly.
Quinn chewed on her lip for a moment before taking a breath and answering. "I know she's had a very difficult life and not a lot of interaction with doctors. And she's," her voice trembled and softened, having trouble saying it, "she's been raped. Multiple times. And beaten... Why? Is something wrong?" She looked scared as Cindy settled her hands on her shoulders. "She's okay, right?" She looked at Cindy desperate, "Right?"
"Ma'am I can't disclose her medical status with either of you since you are not family or legal guardians. Does she have any that I could speak to? Parents or is she a ward of the state?" He looked down at her chart, "She's very sick and I need to get permission to treat her since she's underage."
"We're all she has, please!" Quinn started, desperate to know more before Cindy pulled her back.
"My name is Cindy Maganax. I'm currently involved in investigations to petition to adopt Santana. She's in fosterage to me and my partner as her parents are either deceased or incarcerated." Quinn stared at her in shock, having known that Cindy had talked to Sue about Santana but not that she was thinking of adopting her. "With that knowledge, can you tell me?"
"She has viral pneumonia," he said. "We're treating her with IV antibiotics and fluids to get her hydrated." The doctor looked like he was not saying something important. "She's sleeping right now, but you can see her until she wakes up. I need to talk to her about some test results we got from a stay in a hospital in Ohio."
"Test results?" Quinn's eyes went wide, "She's okay, right? You can tell me if she's going to be okay? Please..."
"She will be okay, just we need to get her back to being healthy..." he smiled sadly, "I'll be back when she wakes up."
Quinn watched the doctor walk off before turning to Cindy. “You want to adopt San?” She shook her head, refocusing on the important thing, “She’s going to be okay, right? She has to be okay...”
"Yeah, I want to make sure she's legally taken care of. I always wanted a daughter type thing," Cindy shrugged and kissed Quinn's forehead. "She'll be okay, but, Quinn, are you going to be okay if tests show that something is wrong with Santana? As you told the doctor, she's been really hurt and hasn't ever really seen a doctor. Will you still love her if she's sick? I know she will always have a family with me, but she needs you."
“She’s my best friend, Cindy,” she looked scared but determined, “I just want her to be okay. I don’t care if she’s sick. I’ll take care of her. She’s the only one who believed in me. I’m not going to give up on her just because she’s sick. I just,” Quinn looked up at Cindy, begging her with her eyes for Santana to be okay, “I just want her to be okay...”
"Okay." Cindy said softly, "Let's go see her, okay?" she said as she bought the young blonde into the room and pulled the chair over to the bed. Santana was pale and small looking lying in the hospital bed attached to tubes. She had an oxygen mask over her mouth to help her labored breathing. " She looks so small," Cindy remarked as she moved closer. Santana was shivering slightly as she rested, "Quinn, if you’re careful of the tubes, you could probably lay with her if you want. I'm sure she'd like that."
Quinn nodded hesitantly, carefully making her way over to Santana’s side. She picked up one limp hand and chafed it slightly, looking worried and scared for her friend. After simply standing there and watching her sleep for a moment, she took a deep breath and carefully crawled onto the bed, stretching out beside Santana and wrapping an arm around her stomach, her head gently coming to rest on Santana’s shoulder, taking care not to disturb any of the wires but never letting go of Santana’s hand.
“Please be okay, San,” she whispered, leaning over to brush her lips against the clammy skin of her cheek, “please. I need you...”
Santana woke up when the familiar sent of Quinn floated into her nose. She tried to cuddle closer into the girl and sighed when she couldn’t. "Always waking me up," she whispered hoarsely, keeping her eyes closed. "I'm fine. I'll be better soon." She assured Quinn as she laced their fingers together.
Quinn tried to laugh but it came out tremulous and weak, “You always say that. It’d better be true.” She turned her head to kiss Santana’s shoulder, not caring that Cindy was able to see her, “Can I just stay here for a little bit?”
"Please," Santana said before she started coughing. When she finished, she curled into Quinn and tried to hide her face, scared. "Guess this is what I get for running away in the cold, huh?" She said, trying to joke but it coming out more self-deprecating. The doctor was lingering outside the door and came in when he saw Santana awake.
"Morning, Santana, I'm Dr. Warren." He said with a soft smile, "I've been taking care of you today. I wanted to talk to you for a minute about some test results. Are you okay with your friends staying or would you like to talk alone?" He asked as she looked to Quinn and Cindy.
'"They're family. I want them to stay," Santana whispered as she clutched onto Quinn tighter.
"Okay." He said, "I need to ask you some questions, okay?" Santana nodded and he continued, "Do you get sick a lot?"
"Um... I get colds but nothing bad." she replied.
"May I ask when you became sexually active?" Santana blanched and started trembling, "I need to know, no one will judge you okay?"
"Uh... twelve." She whispered and looked down. Quinn tightened her arms around Santana, trying to reassure her.
"Have you ever used drugs like ones you take with a needle or smoke with a pipe?" he asked, as he went down his list.
"Uh. No? My mom did, so I never wanted to do that." She said softly.
"Did you have routine sexual health checkups and have you ever had a miscarriage or an abortion."
Santana froze, she couldn't answer that. Not with Quinn here, she just turned her head away and buried it in Quinn shoulder as she fought off the urge to cry.
“San, it’s okay,” Quinn tried to reassure her, reaching up to stroke her fingers through Santana’s hair. “It’s okay. Just answer the question.” She pressed a kiss to the side of the girl’s head, whispering in her ear, “I don’t care about any of that, I promise I don’t. Neither does Cindy. It’s okay...”
"Yeah..." She swallowed, "Um. A few years back maybe when I was 13? I took birth control after that..." she sniffled and looked down feeling less than worthy to be around Quinn.
"Okay... Santana, you were admitted to the hospital a few months ago for severe damage to your pelvis and rape... They did some tests there but the results were hard to read. So we took some more blood and I need to talk to you about the results." He said softly. "Santana have you ever heard of Human immunodeficiency virus?"
Santana naively shook her head no.
Cindy gasped softly, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she looked worriedly at the girls in the bed. Quinn shot her a sharp look but she just shook her head. “Dr. Warren, are you sure?”
“What is that?” Quinn asked softly, her arms tightening protectively around Santana as if she could keep bad things happening just by holding her. “It’s not bad is it? San’s okay, right?”
"It's more commonly referred to as HIV... it's a virus that attacks your immune system. We're not sure how long you've had the virus for but it's good we caught it now so we can treat you and make sure we get you healthy again."
"How do I get rid of it?" Santana asked, not realizing that it was something she couldn't get rid of it, that she'd have it for the rest of her life.
Quinn had heard of HIV, but what she’d heard was nothing good. Her heart clenched in her chest and she felt almost more frightened for her friend than she had when she’d found her missing. “What,” she stopped, swallowing to clear the lump in her throat and taking a deep breath, “what can we do?”
“Quinn...” Cindy began only to be cut off.
“No! I want to know.” The girl glared at the doctor, “What do we do to take care of this?”
Santana was cowering and scared. She had no idea what was going on, "Quinn, what going on?" she whispered and sniffled through her ears. "I... I don't know what that is... is it bad? am I gonna die?" she asked looked at her friend with pleading eyes.
"Quinn, calm down please, she's scared." Cindy whispered as she moved over to the girls.
"We... we're gonna keep her for a few more days to get her sorted out, we'll get the right course of medications started and see if medications are even needed yet. The hospital in Ohio didn't catch it because she had a very low viral load." He didn't want to say that was no longer true.
“I want to stay,” Quinn whispered, wrapping herself around Santana as best she could without dislodging her IV. She looked up at the doctor, determinedly, “I want to stay with her. Can I?”
“Quinn, you should let her get the help she needs.” Cindy rested her hands on the blonde’s shoulders, lightly tugging her away from Santana but Quinn just curled towards her.
“She needs me...” Quinn sounded lost, scared to let Santana out of her sight after nearly losing her a week ago. “Right, San? You want me here, right?”
"I wish I knew what was going on." Santana whispered honestly, "I don't know what he just told me what I have... I know you and Quinn are scared and sad looking and I just don't understand."
"Santana, HIV is a disorder that you can't get rid of. We can treat it and make it manageable and you'll feel fine, but we need to figure out how we’re gonna treat you so you don't become any sicker," Dr. Warren explained and said softly. "We're going to get a social worker down here and she's gonna be your case manager and she can tell you more about your diagnosis."
"Okay." Santana whispered and blinked away her tears. When the doctor left she looked over to Cindy. "Am I gonna die?"
Cindy smiled softly down at her, reaching over to brush fingers over her hair. “Someday, just like everyone else, but not for a long time yet. You’ll be fine, but this is a big deal, Santana. You’re going to have to be careful and take of yourself for the rest of your life. You might get tired or sick easier, but things are better now than they were when I was your age.”
“We’re going to take care of you, San,” Quinn whispered, brushing away a tear that escaped Santana’s control. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
"Did.. did I get it from what I was doing?" she asked realizing that she most likely caused herself to get sick. "No one... My mom never told me that I could get sick." She gave up and buried her face into Quinn's shoulder as she broke down in sobs.
Quinn just held her, rubbing her back and looking at Cindy to help her make this better. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for this, San,” she whispered, kissing the top of her head and trying not to cry herself.
“Quinn’s right, Santana. We don’t know how you might have contracted this. It could have been from your mom or from when you were,” she sighed, “you know. It’s not important where it came from, sweetheart. All we need to focus on is getting you better and then keeping you healthy.”
"Can we not tell Becca? She hates me enough." Santana sniffled.
“She doesn’t hate you, Santana,” Cindy sighed, resolving to speak with her wife when she got home, “she’s just scared and worried and doesn’t know how to react properly because you're also her patient.”
“And she doesn’t like my wanting to be with San,” Quinn added bitterly, hugging Santana, “But I don’t care. She can’t change that I want her.”
“Quinn, like I said, she’s just scared and worried. You two have to give her time to adjust.”
Santana scoffed, "Right cause she's gonna be kosher with someone diseased being with her niece." She was angry at everything. Her life, her mom, her body... Everything had turned out wrong. "You’re better off without me anyway, Quinn," she said sadly. As the words came out of her mouth a young doctor came into the room.
"Santana?" she asked with a smile. "I'm Megan, I'm gonna talk with you a bit about what the doctor told you earlier, if that's okay."
"Yeah," Santana sighed and turned her head away from Quinn.
"Can you guys wait in the waiting room? She needs to do this in her own," the caseworker said softly to Cindy. "She needs to scream and yell and I don't want her to associate that with her family." She looked at Quinn's forlorn face and then back to Cindy, "I can talk to her friend too later if you want. This disease is hard on everyone not just the positive person."
Quinn felt hollow inside as Santana pulled away from her. Blinking back tears, she rolled out of the bed. Taking a shuddery breath with her back to Santana, she struggled to control herself and put the stoic mask she’d learned from her childhood with her father. Once she was sure it was in place she turned, her expression cold and distant. “Santana can do anything she wants. You don’t have to talk to me about anything. I’m obviously not wanted here.” Her heart hurting, she stalked past the caseworker and out of the room, not wanting anyone to know how much Santana pushing her away hurt.
Cindy’s lips tightened with a sigh as she watched Quinn leave. “I’m sorry about Quinn, Megan. They’ve both had a lot of trouble in their lives,” she glanced at Santana with a sad smile. “Neither of them deserves it. I’ll go calm her down, just... let us know when our girl wants us again.”
Giving Santana’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, she made her way out of the room to start looking for her wife’s niece.
Cindy looked around and finally found Quinn in the chapel. "Thought I'd find you here." she whispered before making the cross over herself and sitting with Quinn. "Santana's life just changed dramatically. She's not herself. All she knows is that she's very sick and she's scared. I know you are too."
Quinn barely looked up from her prayers. “She doesn’t want me. I don’t care about me. I don’t care if I get sick. I just want,” she took a shaky breath, trying to suppress her emotions, “I just want to be with her as long as I can...”
"It's not like you're gonna get sick by kissing her or holding her hand... I mean if you two ever get to the more intimate part of a relationship, it's still really unlikely that - because you're two women - you'd contract the virus..." Cindy sighed, "She's in shock and she's angry. She thinks she's gonna die. I'm not even sure she really knows what HIV is honestly, that's why that doctor Megan needs to talk to her alone for a bit to help her understand what it means to be positive."
“Don’t you think I know that?! This stuff is really scary, Cindy!” Quinn finally looked at Cindy, tears staining her cheeks and her eyes scared, “I don’t want to lose her... I don’t want her to get AIDS and stuff. I don’t want her to be sick all the time. I just want her to be okay! Why do so many bad things have to happen to her? What did she do? Does God hate her? I just don’t understand!”
“Quinn, she’s not gonna get AIDS unless she becomes resistant to the medications they put her on. She still might someday but right now she has HIV and they’re two different viruses.” Cindy tried to gauge Quinn's understanding of the virus. “Quinn... what do you think.. what do you know about HIV?”
Quinn shrugged, shaking her head. “I don’t know. I know it’s bad. And I heard some of the other kids at school talking about it at McKinley. They said it was really contagious and you could get it just being around other person but I don’t care.” She tightened her lips and stared off past Cindy determinedly. “If San wants me, I’m going to be right beside her. I don’t care if I get sick...”
“Jesus, Quinn,” Cindy exhaled and ran her hand through her hair. “I never ever thought you were stupid.” She looked at Quinn like she had three heads, “After AIDS being around for over 30 years, I’d hope that people at least knew how the hell it was transmitted!”
“Why would I know?” Quinn looked hurt and confused, “You think they teach anything right in McKinley? Sex ed. is abstinence only and even our regular subjects weren’t taught properly half the time. But I’m supposed to know everything? Cindy, my best friend is sick! I care more about her than I do about myself and I just found out she is really sick! No, I don’t know every-fucking-thing about it! God, she shouldn’t even have to be going through this...”
“You need to know enough to not make this worse!” Cindy replied just as aggressively, “She loves you.” She told Quinn, “That girl loves you and the life she saw with you is now torn apart because of the fact she’s sick. I bet she’s scared that she could get you sick or that it will end up being too much for you and she’ll be alone again. I know you don’t wanna leave her but I need you to know that she’s not gonna give you the virus by hugging you or kissing you.”
“She doesn’t love me,” Quinn was trembling as she tried to hold everything in. “We’re just friends.” She shook her head, “She doesn’t love me. I hurt people who love me, so she doesn’t... but I’ll learn. I’ll figure it out and if she lets me, I’ll be right beside her. It doesn’t matter if kissing or hugging won’t make me sick because I don’t care if I get sick, Cindy.” Her lips tightened and she wouldn’t look at her aunt’s wife, scared and not wanting anyone to see. “If she won’t get me sick, that’s fine but it doesn’t matter...”
“If you two don’t love each other, I don’t wanna see you two in love.” Cindy mumbled, “Fine. You’re devoted to each other... and I’m glad to hear that no matter what you’re there, she’s gonna need it. But, please don’t get upset at her whenever she tries to push you away because she’s going to, she’s gonna be pissed. She’s gonna push you away most likely but that doesn’t mean you’re not everything to her.”
“Why do you know all this stuff anyway?” Quinn looked at Cindy in confusion, “You’re not sick are you? I might not know a lot about it but I know animals and stuff don’t get it...”
“No, sweetie I’m not sick... but I have a cousin who lives on the reservation still… he’s sick but he contracted HIV back in the early 1990’s through using drugs. I know about HIV because it’s been around my community and I’ve seen many people die from it. But, it’s different now, the medications are better but people still are dying, so we need to keep Santana healthy and she will be okay.” Cindy smiled, “She was in a high risk community, she was poor and a woman of color. Most new infections are in the Latino and African American communities... and sadly worldwide, young people are nearly half of all new infections.” She sighed and looked at her hands, “I wish we could have protected her from this. She didn’t know, she didn’t even know that she was at risk.”
Quinn nodded, wiping off her face. “Okay. I’m going to learn everything I can. She’s my best friend and I’m not such a bitch that I’d just walk off and leave her to deal with this alone. Aunt Becca needs to get off her high horse about Santana too.” She took a deep breath and stood, “Because if I have anything to say about it, she’s going to be around for a long damn time.”
Cindy chuckled and wrapped her arm around Quinn’s shoulder. “Alright, you.” She kissed her temple, “Wanna bring Santana a Popsicle?” She asked as she stood up and dragged Quinn with her. “And maybe a teddy bear since she can’t have her kittens and you here all the time?”
“I don’t like leaving her here alone,” Quinn muttered as she nodded, but her own unhappiness about being separated from her friend overnight was evident in her closed off posture. “I wish I could stay with her...”
The older woman walked them to the gift shop with her arm around Quinn’s shoulder. “I know, but she’ll be home soon and be back sleeping in the barn with Beauty and causing your bed to be full of cat hair with her little rodents.” She smiled and brought them over to the stuffed animals.
It was nearly two hours before Megan let Quinn go back into the room. They’d talked and Quinn was still scared, but she was even more determined than ever to be with Santana during this. She knocked on the door, gently easing it open.
“San? Can,” she was hesitant, remembering how the girl had pushed her away, “can I come in?”
Santana looked up from the papers she was reading. She looked tired and broken, her head nodded as she looked at Quinn. “Please.”
Quinn slipped into the room, closing the door behind her. Coming over to the bed, she held out the dark grey stuffed cat she’d found in the gift shop with a shy smile. “I brought you a friend to keep you company.”
“Thanks.” She smiled as she shifted over and made space for Quinn on her bed. “My head hurts,” Santana whispered before coughing softly. “I just want to curl up and cry for like... forever.” She whimpered and looked up at the girl she was falling in love with.
“You’re not still wanting me to stay away are you?” Quinn asked, looking a little more scared than she really wanted to show as she tried to smile. “Because I would really like to hold you before I have to go for the night.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to be okay if you leave,” She whispered as she clutched the kitten toy. “I need you to be here but I’m scared of hurting you,” she whispered and reached up to Quinn with a shaking hand.
“How could you hurt me?” Quinn joked feebly, coming over and crawling into the bed beside Santana, “You’re tiny and sick. You probably couldn’t hurt a fly right now.” She licked her lips before carefully pulling Santana into her arms and curling up beside her. “I don’t want to leave,” she whispered, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep without you...”
“I know... I don’t think I can either... but we gotta follow the rules just this once okay?” She whispered and curled into Quinn. “Everything will be okay,” She tried to sound like she actually believed it but she wasn’t sure anymore. “I’ll be home soon.”
“You better,” Quinn muttered, trying to bury her face in Santana’s neck to hide how scared she was, “you promised to help me take care of our kittens, remember? I’m never going to get them out of my bed at this rate.”
“You do have a great bed,” Santana whispered and curled into the girl more and held her. “I can’t wait to come home and lay in it with you and the babies.” She ran her fingers through Quinn’s hair. She was scared and she could tell Quinn was scared too but they were trying to keep each other grounded without getting too upset. “It will be okay.”
“Of course, it will. And Aunt Becca can just shut up about my being with you,” Quinn smiled, hugging Santana tight and tentatively brushing her lips against Santana’s neck. “She can’t stop me from being with you and I don’t want anyone else. I just want to be able to hold you every night and know I’ll wake up to you in the morning...”
“Give me three days then you can have that, okay?” She whispered and held her close, “Give me three days to get better and I’ll come home with you.” Santana needed to be strong for them, she needed to make sure Quinn was okay. “You’re my everything and I’ll always come home to you.”
“You have to,” Quinn took a deep breath and gave Santana her best smile. She knew her friend could see that she was scared, but she wanted to show her that she could be strong too, for both of them, if she had to. “You promised after all. Back in Lima and you haven’t broke it yet. I don’t like the idea of not being with you for three days though.”
“We’ll be okay. Maybe I can call you when I’m going to sleep?” She asked as she looked over at the phone in the room. “I can talk to you until you fall asleep?”
“Let me talk to you until you fall asleep instead and you have a deal,” Quinn smiled lopsidedly, resting her head on Santana’s shoulder. “I’ve got two tiny little vibrating furballs to keep me company after all. And,” she blushed before admitting something she’d been doing since Santana had tried running away, “I’ve sort of developed a habit of listening to you breathe as you sleep...”
“You’re lucky you're hot, because that’s mildly creeper.” Santana smiled softly and held her friend’s hand. “But you got a deal,” Santana whispered as she started nodding off.
“I just need to know you’re safe before I can sleep,” Quinn whispered, snuggling close as Santana started drifting off.
Chapter Sixteen
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 15
Two days after the dramatic attempt at running away, Quinn was carefully balancing a bowl of soup on a bed-tray as she made her way up the stairs. Tongue caught between her teeth in concentration, she backed into her room, pushing the door open with her shoulder. Turning carefully to avoid spilling the fragrant soup, she smiled at Santana’s pale face peeking out from under the mound of blankets piled on her bed.
“Hey, sleepy,” she smiled, coming over and setting the tray on the nightstand and helping Santana to sit up, “I brought you some soup for lunch. Do you feel up to eating?”
"Not really," Santana whispered hoarsely as she struggled to sit up. She had gotten sick from her excursion in the outdoors, she had been coughing hard since yesterday and she had a high fever and was overall very weak. She was still down on herself and not wanting any help because she thought getting sick was her fault. Rebecca wasn't talking to the dark haired girl yet, but Cindy had come up and spent a good part of last night taking to Santana while Quinn slept by her side. "But I can try."
"Let me help?" Quinn asked with a soft smile, moving the tray to rest across Santana's lap.
Since Santana's attempt at running away, she'd all but doted on the other girl, rarely letting her out of her sight for more than a few minutes at a time. As she settled on the bed, a sleek orange head with a white chin peeked up from under the cover with a sleepy meow. Quinn laughed, reaching over to stroked the kitten's head.
"I see you took Aunt Becca up on letting Toast stay with you." As she spoke a second head poked out from the covers on the other side of Santana, this one all black, "And Blackie I see."
"Toast bitched too much when Cindy tried to put him back out into the barn." Santana shrugged as she ran her fingers over the kittens head. "Then when Cindy came back from the barn your baby followed her into the snow." She smiled and pressed her index finger to Blackie’s nose. "So I got friends till I feel better. Cindy was gonna tell your aunt."
"Keep them out of the patient area and you can probably keep them after you get better too." Quinn suggested, petting the little ones, "We'll have to get them a litter box though."
"Cindy already got them a box." she sighed as she leaned over and looked at Toast. "As long as you’re cool with them being in here I'd like to keep them with us for a bit since you seem to be keeping me hostage in your bed." She said before slipping into a coughing fit. After a minute she caught her breath and sniffled, "I feel like death."
"I don't mind them being in here, San." Quinn smiled lopsidedly, stirring the soup. "As long as you're here to help me clean up after them," she whispered with a tiny smile as she scratched a purring Blackie's chin.
"Okay." Santana whispered as she leaned forward and opened her mouth. "Feed me. I don't wanna have to eat cold soup. And if I can't eat it, I demand cuddling and a movie because I feel like dying and I'm freezing."
Quinn laughed softly, spooning up some soup and carefully carrying it to San's mouth with one hand cupped under it. "How about cuddles and a movie whether you can eat or not?"
Santana managed to take some of the soup, until she started coughing too much. "No... can't eat any more," She whimpered as she watched Quinn take the tray away. Santana scooped up the kittens to make space for her friend, "Thank you... for trying to find me. Cindy told me last night you tried." She looked down at the kittens and she tried to move her legs to bring them to her chest but realized she couldn't. "I was really stupid."
Quinn settled the tray back on the nightstand and stretched out next to Santana, tracing little patterns on Santana's arm. "I had to," she finally whispered, tears she refused to let fall stinging her eyes. "It was my fault you left. I had to find you before something awful happened and I couldn’t fix it anymore. They wouldn't let me..."
"Then we both would have been sick..." she whispered as she reached down to tangle their fingers together. "I was stupid... I overreacted and left. I'm sorry, please don't cry over this. I just want to be... I want us to be okay. No matter what I'm here for you and I promise I won't leave again."
"Please don't," Quinn whispered, feeling miserable and pathetic for begging, "just...just please, if you ever feel you have to go, please don't leave angry at me. You're my best friend, Santana. I couldn't handle it if you hated me."
"I promise." She sighed and wrapped her arms around Quinn. "I got scared of how close you were with him. I didn't know I'd get jealous, I didn't understand how I felt. I've never felt like this about anyone before and it hurt seeing him flirt with you." Santana looked down sadly, "I'm stupid and I shouldn't treat you like you're mine or you belong to me. You're better than that."
"You’re not stupid, but I wasn't flirting, San. You know me, you know how I flirt." She shook her head, snuggling close and resting her head on Santana's shoulder, "Ryan just talks like that. He's got a girlfriend that he'd never cheat on, but he likes flirting. I just ignore it because it doesn't mean anything..."
"Okay." She sighed as she looked in Quinn's eyes for a moment before kissing the tip of her nose. She relaxed there for a moment before rolling away and coughing deeply. She rolled over, nearly crushing the kittens who let out a loud squeak before they climbed over her with disgust and moved to Quinn. When the girl stopped coughing, she caught her breath before rolling over and pouting. "Hey... stupid babies, way to leave me and go to her."
Quinn laughed, reaching over and rubbing Santana's back as she cuddled the kittens with the other arm, "It's not their fault. You're squirming so much they probably think you're going to squish them!"
"They should be so lucky to get squished by my boobs." She pouted as she moved to rest her head at Quinn's shoulder. "Are you gonna get sick?" She whimpered as she curled into her friend, not really giving her a choice to move or not. "I think that we should watch a movie?"
"I'm fine and if I do, then you'll take care of me, right?" Quinn smiled down at her friend, stroking her fingers through Santana's hair. "We can watch a movie if you want. What would you like?"
"Aladdin," she whispered, her voice taking on a childish tone. "Will you cuddle with me while we watch it?" Santana looked up pathetically and pouted, "Por favor?"
"Don't we always cuddle when we watch Aladdin?" Quinn smiled and kissed Santana's forehead before getting up to put the DVD in the player. "I think by this point it could be called a tradition."
"Yes, which is why I wondered why you even asked," she said through a cough, cuddling onto her side with the kittens resting against her. She watched Quinn set everything up then come cuddle her. "Thank you," she whispered as she tangled their fingers together.
"For what?" Quinn asked as the opening music began to fill the small room.
"For not giving up on me." she said softly, before watching the movie.
It had been a bit over a week and Santana still wasn’t better. She still had a fever early in the morning when Cindy checked on the girls. After waking Quinn up and telling her to get dressed, she carefully lifted Santana up and carried her to the car. She let Rebecca know that they were taking Santana to the hospital. A few hours later Santana had been admitted and the doctor had pulled Cindy and Quinn aside.
"Do you know Ms. Lopez's medical history?" he asked softly.
Quinn chewed on her lip for a moment before taking a breath and answering. "I know she's had a very difficult life and not a lot of interaction with doctors. And she's," her voice trembled and softened, having trouble saying it, "she's been raped. Multiple times. And beaten... Why? Is something wrong?" She looked scared as Cindy settled her hands on her shoulders. "She's okay, right?" She looked at Cindy desperate, "Right?"
"Ma'am I can't disclose her medical status with either of you since you are not family or legal guardians. Does she have any that I could speak to? Parents or is she a ward of the state?" He looked down at her chart, "She's very sick and I need to get permission to treat her since she's underage."
"We're all she has, please!" Quinn started, desperate to know more before Cindy pulled her back.
"My name is Cindy Maganax. I'm currently involved in investigations to petition to adopt Santana. She's in fosterage to me and my partner as her parents are either deceased or incarcerated." Quinn stared at her in shock, having known that Cindy had talked to Sue about Santana but not that she was thinking of adopting her. "With that knowledge, can you tell me?"
"She has viral pneumonia," he said. "We're treating her with IV antibiotics and fluids to get her hydrated." The doctor looked like he was not saying something important. "She's sleeping right now, but you can see her until she wakes up. I need to talk to her about some test results we got from a stay in a hospital in Ohio."
"Test results?" Quinn's eyes went wide, "She's okay, right? You can tell me if she's going to be okay? Please..."
"She will be okay, just we need to get her back to being healthy..." he smiled sadly, "I'll be back when she wakes up."
Quinn watched the doctor walk off before turning to Cindy. “You want to adopt San?” She shook her head, refocusing on the important thing, “She’s going to be okay, right? She has to be okay...”
"Yeah, I want to make sure she's legally taken care of. I always wanted a daughter type thing," Cindy shrugged and kissed Quinn's forehead. "She'll be okay, but, Quinn, are you going to be okay if tests show that something is wrong with Santana? As you told the doctor, she's been really hurt and hasn't ever really seen a doctor. Will you still love her if she's sick? I know she will always have a family with me, but she needs you."
“She’s my best friend, Cindy,” she looked scared but determined, “I just want her to be okay. I don’t care if she’s sick. I’ll take care of her. She’s the only one who believed in me. I’m not going to give up on her just because she’s sick. I just,” Quinn looked up at Cindy, begging her with her eyes for Santana to be okay, “I just want her to be okay...”
"Okay." Cindy said softly, "Let's go see her, okay?" she said as she bought the young blonde into the room and pulled the chair over to the bed. Santana was pale and small looking lying in the hospital bed attached to tubes. She had an oxygen mask over her mouth to help her labored breathing. " She looks so small," Cindy remarked as she moved closer. Santana was shivering slightly as she rested, "Quinn, if you’re careful of the tubes, you could probably lay with her if you want. I'm sure she'd like that."
Quinn nodded hesitantly, carefully making her way over to Santana’s side. She picked up one limp hand and chafed it slightly, looking worried and scared for her friend. After simply standing there and watching her sleep for a moment, she took a deep breath and carefully crawled onto the bed, stretching out beside Santana and wrapping an arm around her stomach, her head gently coming to rest on Santana’s shoulder, taking care not to disturb any of the wires but never letting go of Santana’s hand.
“Please be okay, San,” she whispered, leaning over to brush her lips against the clammy skin of her cheek, “please. I need you...”
Santana woke up when the familiar sent of Quinn floated into her nose. She tried to cuddle closer into the girl and sighed when she couldn’t. "Always waking me up," she whispered hoarsely, keeping her eyes closed. "I'm fine. I'll be better soon." She assured Quinn as she laced their fingers together.
Quinn tried to laugh but it came out tremulous and weak, “You always say that. It’d better be true.” She turned her head to kiss Santana’s shoulder, not caring that Cindy was able to see her, “Can I just stay here for a little bit?”
"Please," Santana said before she started coughing. When she finished, she curled into Quinn and tried to hide her face, scared. "Guess this is what I get for running away in the cold, huh?" She said, trying to joke but it coming out more self-deprecating. The doctor was lingering outside the door and came in when he saw Santana awake.
"Morning, Santana, I'm Dr. Warren." He said with a soft smile, "I've been taking care of you today. I wanted to talk to you for a minute about some test results. Are you okay with your friends staying or would you like to talk alone?" He asked as she looked to Quinn and Cindy.
'"They're family. I want them to stay," Santana whispered as she clutched onto Quinn tighter.
"Okay." He said, "I need to ask you some questions, okay?" Santana nodded and he continued, "Do you get sick a lot?"
"Um... I get colds but nothing bad." she replied.
"May I ask when you became sexually active?" Santana blanched and started trembling, "I need to know, no one will judge you okay?"
"Uh... twelve." She whispered and looked down. Quinn tightened her arms around Santana, trying to reassure her.
"Have you ever used drugs like ones you take with a needle or smoke with a pipe?" he asked, as he went down his list.
"Uh. No? My mom did, so I never wanted to do that." She said softly.
"Did you have routine sexual health checkups and have you ever had a miscarriage or an abortion."
Santana froze, she couldn't answer that. Not with Quinn here, she just turned her head away and buried it in Quinn shoulder as she fought off the urge to cry.
“San, it’s okay,” Quinn tried to reassure her, reaching up to stroke her fingers through Santana’s hair. “It’s okay. Just answer the question.” She pressed a kiss to the side of the girl’s head, whispering in her ear, “I don’t care about any of that, I promise I don’t. Neither does Cindy. It’s okay...”
"Yeah..." She swallowed, "Um. A few years back maybe when I was 13? I took birth control after that..." she sniffled and looked down feeling less than worthy to be around Quinn.
"Okay... Santana, you were admitted to the hospital a few months ago for severe damage to your pelvis and rape... They did some tests there but the results were hard to read. So we took some more blood and I need to talk to you about the results." He said softly. "Santana have you ever heard of Human immunodeficiency virus?"
Santana naively shook her head no.
Cindy gasped softly, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she looked worriedly at the girls in the bed. Quinn shot her a sharp look but she just shook her head. “Dr. Warren, are you sure?”
“What is that?” Quinn asked softly, her arms tightening protectively around Santana as if she could keep bad things happening just by holding her. “It’s not bad is it? San’s okay, right?”
"It's more commonly referred to as HIV... it's a virus that attacks your immune system. We're not sure how long you've had the virus for but it's good we caught it now so we can treat you and make sure we get you healthy again."
"How do I get rid of it?" Santana asked, not realizing that it was something she couldn't get rid of it, that she'd have it for the rest of her life.
Quinn had heard of HIV, but what she’d heard was nothing good. Her heart clenched in her chest and she felt almost more frightened for her friend than she had when she’d found her missing. “What,” she stopped, swallowing to clear the lump in her throat and taking a deep breath, “what can we do?”
“Quinn...” Cindy began only to be cut off.
“No! I want to know.” The girl glared at the doctor, “What do we do to take care of this?”
Santana was cowering and scared. She had no idea what was going on, "Quinn, what going on?" she whispered and sniffled through her ears. "I... I don't know what that is... is it bad? am I gonna die?" she asked looked at her friend with pleading eyes.
"Quinn, calm down please, she's scared." Cindy whispered as she moved over to the girls.
"We... we're gonna keep her for a few more days to get her sorted out, we'll get the right course of medications started and see if medications are even needed yet. The hospital in Ohio didn't catch it because she had a very low viral load." He didn't want to say that was no longer true.
“I want to stay,” Quinn whispered, wrapping herself around Santana as best she could without dislodging her IV. She looked up at the doctor, determinedly, “I want to stay with her. Can I?”
“Quinn, you should let her get the help she needs.” Cindy rested her hands on the blonde’s shoulders, lightly tugging her away from Santana but Quinn just curled towards her.
“She needs me...” Quinn sounded lost, scared to let Santana out of her sight after nearly losing her a week ago. “Right, San? You want me here, right?”
"I wish I knew what was going on." Santana whispered honestly, "I don't know what he just told me what I have... I know you and Quinn are scared and sad looking and I just don't understand."
"Santana, HIV is a disorder that you can't get rid of. We can treat it and make it manageable and you'll feel fine, but we need to figure out how we’re gonna treat you so you don't become any sicker," Dr. Warren explained and said softly. "We're going to get a social worker down here and she's gonna be your case manager and she can tell you more about your diagnosis."
"Okay." Santana whispered and blinked away her tears. When the doctor left she looked over to Cindy. "Am I gonna die?"
Cindy smiled softly down at her, reaching over to brush fingers over her hair. “Someday, just like everyone else, but not for a long time yet. You’ll be fine, but this is a big deal, Santana. You’re going to have to be careful and take of yourself for the rest of your life. You might get tired or sick easier, but things are better now than they were when I was your age.”
“We’re going to take care of you, San,” Quinn whispered, brushing away a tear that escaped Santana’s control. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
"Did.. did I get it from what I was doing?" she asked realizing that she most likely caused herself to get sick. "No one... My mom never told me that I could get sick." She gave up and buried her face into Quinn's shoulder as she broke down in sobs.
Quinn just held her, rubbing her back and looking at Cindy to help her make this better. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for this, San,” she whispered, kissing the top of her head and trying not to cry herself.
“Quinn’s right, Santana. We don’t know how you might have contracted this. It could have been from your mom or from when you were,” she sighed, “you know. It’s not important where it came from, sweetheart. All we need to focus on is getting you better and then keeping you healthy.”
"Can we not tell Becca? She hates me enough." Santana sniffled.
“She doesn’t hate you, Santana,” Cindy sighed, resolving to speak with her wife when she got home, “she’s just scared and worried and doesn’t know how to react properly because you're also her patient.”
“And she doesn’t like my wanting to be with San,” Quinn added bitterly, hugging Santana, “But I don’t care. She can’t change that I want her.”
“Quinn, like I said, she’s just scared and worried. You two have to give her time to adjust.”
Santana scoffed, "Right cause she's gonna be kosher with someone diseased being with her niece." She was angry at everything. Her life, her mom, her body... Everything had turned out wrong. "You’re better off without me anyway, Quinn," she said sadly. As the words came out of her mouth a young doctor came into the room.
"Santana?" she asked with a smile. "I'm Megan, I'm gonna talk with you a bit about what the doctor told you earlier, if that's okay."
"Yeah," Santana sighed and turned her head away from Quinn.
"Can you guys wait in the waiting room? She needs to do this in her own," the caseworker said softly to Cindy. "She needs to scream and yell and I don't want her to associate that with her family." She looked at Quinn's forlorn face and then back to Cindy, "I can talk to her friend too later if you want. This disease is hard on everyone not just the positive person."
Quinn felt hollow inside as Santana pulled away from her. Blinking back tears, she rolled out of the bed. Taking a shuddery breath with her back to Santana, she struggled to control herself and put the stoic mask she’d learned from her childhood with her father. Once she was sure it was in place she turned, her expression cold and distant. “Santana can do anything she wants. You don’t have to talk to me about anything. I’m obviously not wanted here.” Her heart hurting, she stalked past the caseworker and out of the room, not wanting anyone to know how much Santana pushing her away hurt.
Cindy’s lips tightened with a sigh as she watched Quinn leave. “I’m sorry about Quinn, Megan. They’ve both had a lot of trouble in their lives,” she glanced at Santana with a sad smile. “Neither of them deserves it. I’ll go calm her down, just... let us know when our girl wants us again.”
Giving Santana’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, she made her way out of the room to start looking for her wife’s niece.
Cindy looked around and finally found Quinn in the chapel. "Thought I'd find you here." she whispered before making the cross over herself and sitting with Quinn. "Santana's life just changed dramatically. She's not herself. All she knows is that she's very sick and she's scared. I know you are too."
Quinn barely looked up from her prayers. “She doesn’t want me. I don’t care about me. I don’t care if I get sick. I just want,” she took a shaky breath, trying to suppress her emotions, “I just want to be with her as long as I can...”
"It's not like you're gonna get sick by kissing her or holding her hand... I mean if you two ever get to the more intimate part of a relationship, it's still really unlikely that - because you're two women - you'd contract the virus..." Cindy sighed, "She's in shock and she's angry. She thinks she's gonna die. I'm not even sure she really knows what HIV is honestly, that's why that doctor Megan needs to talk to her alone for a bit to help her understand what it means to be positive."
“Don’t you think I know that?! This stuff is really scary, Cindy!” Quinn finally looked at Cindy, tears staining her cheeks and her eyes scared, “I don’t want to lose her... I don’t want her to get AIDS and stuff. I don’t want her to be sick all the time. I just want her to be okay! Why do so many bad things have to happen to her? What did she do? Does God hate her? I just don’t understand!”
“Quinn, she’s not gonna get AIDS unless she becomes resistant to the medications they put her on. She still might someday but right now she has HIV and they’re two different viruses.” Cindy tried to gauge Quinn's understanding of the virus. “Quinn... what do you think.. what do you know about HIV?”
Quinn shrugged, shaking her head. “I don’t know. I know it’s bad. And I heard some of the other kids at school talking about it at McKinley. They said it was really contagious and you could get it just being around other person but I don’t care.” She tightened her lips and stared off past Cindy determinedly. “If San wants me, I’m going to be right beside her. I don’t care if I get sick...”
“Jesus, Quinn,” Cindy exhaled and ran her hand through her hair. “I never ever thought you were stupid.” She looked at Quinn like she had three heads, “After AIDS being around for over 30 years, I’d hope that people at least knew how the hell it was transmitted!”
“Why would I know?” Quinn looked hurt and confused, “You think they teach anything right in McKinley? Sex ed. is abstinence only and even our regular subjects weren’t taught properly half the time. But I’m supposed to know everything? Cindy, my best friend is sick! I care more about her than I do about myself and I just found out she is really sick! No, I don’t know every-fucking-thing about it! God, she shouldn’t even have to be going through this...”
“You need to know enough to not make this worse!” Cindy replied just as aggressively, “She loves you.” She told Quinn, “That girl loves you and the life she saw with you is now torn apart because of the fact she’s sick. I bet she’s scared that she could get you sick or that it will end up being too much for you and she’ll be alone again. I know you don’t wanna leave her but I need you to know that she’s not gonna give you the virus by hugging you or kissing you.”
“She doesn’t love me,” Quinn was trembling as she tried to hold everything in. “We’re just friends.” She shook her head, “She doesn’t love me. I hurt people who love me, so she doesn’t... but I’ll learn. I’ll figure it out and if she lets me, I’ll be right beside her. It doesn’t matter if kissing or hugging won’t make me sick because I don’t care if I get sick, Cindy.” Her lips tightened and she wouldn’t look at her aunt’s wife, scared and not wanting anyone to see. “If she won’t get me sick, that’s fine but it doesn’t matter...”
“If you two don’t love each other, I don’t wanna see you two in love.” Cindy mumbled, “Fine. You’re devoted to each other... and I’m glad to hear that no matter what you’re there, she’s gonna need it. But, please don’t get upset at her whenever she tries to push you away because she’s going to, she’s gonna be pissed. She’s gonna push you away most likely but that doesn’t mean you’re not everything to her.”
“Why do you know all this stuff anyway?” Quinn looked at Cindy in confusion, “You’re not sick are you? I might not know a lot about it but I know animals and stuff don’t get it...”
“No, sweetie I’m not sick... but I have a cousin who lives on the reservation still… he’s sick but he contracted HIV back in the early 1990’s through using drugs. I know about HIV because it’s been around my community and I’ve seen many people die from it. But, it’s different now, the medications are better but people still are dying, so we need to keep Santana healthy and she will be okay.” Cindy smiled, “She was in a high risk community, she was poor and a woman of color. Most new infections are in the Latino and African American communities... and sadly worldwide, young people are nearly half of all new infections.” She sighed and looked at her hands, “I wish we could have protected her from this. She didn’t know, she didn’t even know that she was at risk.”
Quinn nodded, wiping off her face. “Okay. I’m going to learn everything I can. She’s my best friend and I’m not such a bitch that I’d just walk off and leave her to deal with this alone. Aunt Becca needs to get off her high horse about Santana too.” She took a deep breath and stood, “Because if I have anything to say about it, she’s going to be around for a long damn time.”
Cindy chuckled and wrapped her arm around Quinn’s shoulder. “Alright, you.” She kissed her temple, “Wanna bring Santana a Popsicle?” She asked as she stood up and dragged Quinn with her. “And maybe a teddy bear since she can’t have her kittens and you here all the time?”
“I don’t like leaving her here alone,” Quinn muttered as she nodded, but her own unhappiness about being separated from her friend overnight was evident in her closed off posture. “I wish I could stay with her...”
The older woman walked them to the gift shop with her arm around Quinn’s shoulder. “I know, but she’ll be home soon and be back sleeping in the barn with Beauty and causing your bed to be full of cat hair with her little rodents.” She smiled and brought them over to the stuffed animals.
It was nearly two hours before Megan let Quinn go back into the room. They’d talked and Quinn was still scared, but she was even more determined than ever to be with Santana during this. She knocked on the door, gently easing it open.
“San? Can,” she was hesitant, remembering how the girl had pushed her away, “can I come in?”
Santana looked up from the papers she was reading. She looked tired and broken, her head nodded as she looked at Quinn. “Please.”
Quinn slipped into the room, closing the door behind her. Coming over to the bed, she held out the dark grey stuffed cat she’d found in the gift shop with a shy smile. “I brought you a friend to keep you company.”
“Thanks.” She smiled as she shifted over and made space for Quinn on her bed. “My head hurts,” Santana whispered before coughing softly. “I just want to curl up and cry for like... forever.” She whimpered and looked up at the girl she was falling in love with.
“You’re not still wanting me to stay away are you?” Quinn asked, looking a little more scared than she really wanted to show as she tried to smile. “Because I would really like to hold you before I have to go for the night.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to be okay if you leave,” She whispered as she clutched the kitten toy. “I need you to be here but I’m scared of hurting you,” she whispered and reached up to Quinn with a shaking hand.
“How could you hurt me?” Quinn joked feebly, coming over and crawling into the bed beside Santana, “You’re tiny and sick. You probably couldn’t hurt a fly right now.” She licked her lips before carefully pulling Santana into her arms and curling up beside her. “I don’t want to leave,” she whispered, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep without you...”
“I know... I don’t think I can either... but we gotta follow the rules just this once okay?” She whispered and curled into Quinn. “Everything will be okay,” She tried to sound like she actually believed it but she wasn’t sure anymore. “I’ll be home soon.”
“You better,” Quinn muttered, trying to bury her face in Santana’s neck to hide how scared she was, “you promised to help me take care of our kittens, remember? I’m never going to get them out of my bed at this rate.”
“You do have a great bed,” Santana whispered and curled into the girl more and held her. “I can’t wait to come home and lay in it with you and the babies.” She ran her fingers through Quinn’s hair. She was scared and she could tell Quinn was scared too but they were trying to keep each other grounded without getting too upset. “It will be okay.”
“Of course, it will. And Aunt Becca can just shut up about my being with you,” Quinn smiled, hugging Santana tight and tentatively brushing her lips against Santana’s neck. “She can’t stop me from being with you and I don’t want anyone else. I just want to be able to hold you every night and know I’ll wake up to you in the morning...”
“Give me three days then you can have that, okay?” She whispered and held her close, “Give me three days to get better and I’ll come home with you.” Santana needed to be strong for them, she needed to make sure Quinn was okay. “You’re my everything and I’ll always come home to you.”
“You have to,” Quinn took a deep breath and gave Santana her best smile. She knew her friend could see that she was scared, but she wanted to show her that she could be strong too, for both of them, if she had to. “You promised after all. Back in Lima and you haven’t broke it yet. I don’t like the idea of not being with you for three days though.”
“We’ll be okay. Maybe I can call you when I’m going to sleep?” She asked as she looked over at the phone in the room. “I can talk to you until you fall asleep?”
“Let me talk to you until you fall asleep instead and you have a deal,” Quinn smiled lopsidedly, resting her head on Santana’s shoulder. “I’ve got two tiny little vibrating furballs to keep me company after all. And,” she blushed before admitting something she’d been doing since Santana had tried running away, “I’ve sort of developed a habit of listening to you breathe as you sleep...”
“You’re lucky you're hot, because that’s mildly creeper.” Santana smiled softly and held her friend’s hand. “But you got a deal,” Santana whispered as she started nodding off.
“I just need to know you’re safe before I can sleep,” Quinn whispered, snuggling close as Santana started drifting off.
Chapter Sixteen