Shooting the Rapids - Chapter Eighteen
Title: Shooting the Rapids
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 82,416 / 105,220
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: The sequel to Standing on a Precipice. Rachel and Santana have managed to survive the turbulent waters of the loss of Jesse and the shocking truth hidden in Santana’s marriage. Now two years later, new troubles arise with Shelby taking a stand in defense of her daughter against Santana’s "corruption" and the involvement of the tabloids as the couple becomes more and more drawn into the public eye. Kayla’s success in gymnastics brings interest from an unexpected direction and Santana has decided she wants to try again for a child of her own. Can they survive as a couple and help their children thrive amidst the chaos?
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks thereof in later chapters
Author's Note: Only about three chapters left to go in this story, everyone. We hope you've enjoyed it so far! :)
Chapter Eighteen
It had been two weeks since the first email to Quinn Fabray. Santana was in the nursery packing a small suitcase with Arianna's things, preparing to take her baby for her first big trip with mommy when they left to head to Boston to visit her old friend. Alex and Cale were visiting their grandparents and Rachel was going to have a girl's weekend with Beth and Kayla. After seeing the boys off on Friday afternoon, Santana was nervously packing in the room while Rachel gave Arianna a bath.
She was nervous. She hadn't seen Quinn since graduation day, she didn't really know how to act and with her nerves already on edge and her mood still off she was close to calling her trip off. Santana fitfully wiped away tears as she sat down on the couch and tried to calm her anxiety.
Rachel came in with a towel wrapped baby. "Hey, there's your mommy, sweetie. Look, Ari, it's your mommy!" She sat down next to Santana looking almost as tired as Santana was feeling, "Hi, beautiful. What's the matter?"
The darker girl blinked tears off of her long lashes. "I.. I don't wanna go. I don't feel good," she whispered as she looked down at her hands. Santana Lopez was scared to see Quinn, was scared to see someone who wasn't her family. She was scared she wasn't the same person she always pretend to be. "I don't wanna go."
"Why?" Rachel smiled softly, reaching over to gently rub her back. "You've been looking forward to this trip all week. It's not like you to want to back out. And it's just Quinn. Don't you want her to meet your little girl?"
"I haven't had a friend other than you since high school." She sniffled, "What if it's different? What if it doesn't work and I don't wanna stay till Sunday?" She was trembling she was so nervous. It had been two years since she went off her medications for anxiety and depression, pregnancy had kick-started her body's hormones again and she was having a hard time handling them with the sleep deprivation and stress that came with having an infant in the home.
"Then you come home to me," Rachel whispered, leaning over to gently kiss her lover's head. "Call me and I will meet you at the station with the biggest hug and kiss I can manage. I don't care when, I'll be there. But I think maybe she wants her friend back as much as you do." She let her head rest against Santana's shoulder with a soft sigh, "I'm going to miss you and our baby girl so much while you're gone, but you need this."
Santana sniffled and nuzzled Rachel's neck. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm being like this," she whispered as she tangled her fingers into Rachel's. "I don't understand why I'm not feeling normal yet." She ran her fingers over Arianna's head and sighed, "I packed her Batman pajamas and her green blanket and the pillow that smells like you." She nodded her head to the suitcase. "I also stole your sweatshirt so I can sleep in it."
"It's okay, Santana. It took me a long time to get over having given birth too. It hits some women harder than others, but it's okay." She smiled as reassuringly as she could and combed her fingers through Santana's hair, "Maybe when you come home we can arrange for you to talk to someone. I know I had to after Kayla. But until then, I'm surprised you didn't steal my body spray again and I hope you took the zipper sweater instead of my pullover. Your endowments are even greater than usual and the pullover may be a little too tight."
"Yeah. I took the zipper after I sprayed it with the spray." She admitted, sighing as she started feeling calmer. "I just don't feel like myself... I'm sorry I've been so off... you deserve better than that, you deserve the best and I'm barely hanging on."
"You are the best," Rachel leaned over to kiss her softly, Ari cooing and lightly patting her mom's face as she did. "The best for me and for our children. Right now is rough for all of us, but we'll make it through. You were there for me after Alex was born and Jesse died, and I'll be here for you now and whenever you need me in the future." She smiled teasingly, "A little bad mood isn't going to get rid of me now, Santana."
Santana nodded and took a deep breath before kissing Rachel softly. "I love you." She sighed and got up, continuing to finish putting the baby's stuff into the bag. "Can you change her and make sure she has extra cream in the diaper bag while I got get dressed?"
"I love you too and of course I can," Rachel smiled, standing, "she's my daughter too, right?" She headed over to the changing table to diaper the little girl and slip a special treat of her lover's favorite imported chocolate into the diaper bag where she was sure to find it.
Santana pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans and knee high boots, before pulling on a black fitted button down shirt and running her fingers through her long hair. She put on a light coating of concealer over the dark circles under her eyes and put on some eyeliner before grabbing the bag and wheeling it out to the living room. Picking up the baby sling, she held it as she walked over to Rachel and the girl.
"Hey, babes." Santana said softly, "I'm gonna head out..." She looked down at Beth with a knowing smile. Beth knew who she was going to see and the teenager also knew that if this went well she'd be meeting her birth mother soon. "I'll call in the morning okay?"
"Call when you arrive?" Rachel countered, tugging her down to kiss her softly, "I won't be able to sleep until I know you're safe."
Santana nodded and kissed her lover softly before pulling away. She kissed Kayla's head and then Beth's before coming back to Rachel and kissing her again. She took Arianna after she watched as Rachel kissed her and told her she loved her. "See you Sunday night." Santana settled the infant into the sling and waved as she headed out to the car and got settled for the five minute drive to the Amtrak.
Santana ended her call with Rachel as she got off the train. One hand was protectively on Arianna's body as she slept in the sling. She squinted through her RayBan's as she looked through the crowd at the station. She didn't see Quinn so she headed over to the wall and leaned against it. Arianna had been restless for most of the three hour ride to Boston. It was a little after seven when she got in and she assumed the other woman was running late. She looked down at her baby and smiled at her slumbering face and allowed it to calm her nerves.
"Santana?" The voice was a little more worn than she remembered, still soft and a little sharp though the edges seemed ground down with time. "San, is that you?" Quinn waved as she made her way across the crowded station with a smile. "I'm so sorry I'm late. An interview for adoption ran longer than expected, but the good news is little Jamie may have found a permanent home!"
Santana's eyes flickered up and she smiled when she saw Quinn. She looked just like she did the last time Santana saw her, maybe a bit tired and worn, but she still looked just the same. "Wow." Santana breathed out, "Um. Hey." She caught herself as she moved closer to her former friend, "It's cool we just got off the train." Santana motioned to her daughter who had woken up a bit and was now looking around from the cloth sling that she was nestled in.
"Wow, those pictures really didn't do you justice," Quinn smiled, shaking her head in amazement, "you look...amazing, S. Just...just amazing. Is this your little girl?" Her voice perked up as she stepped closer to coo softly at the baby who giggled and waved at her, "Oh, aren't you just the most adorable little thing!"
Santana bushed and focused on her daughter, "This is Arianna Lior Lopez-St.James." Santana slid the tiny girl out of the sling and turned her around so she could see Quinn. "Ari, this is your Auntie Quinn." She took Arianna's hand and made the girl wave. "Yep, she's my little girl," Santana stated as she watched Quinn smiling at the girl. "This is her first trip pretty much anywhere outside of like the house and her well baby appointments."
"Well, then, I'm not one for separating a mom and her baby on their first trip abroad, but when we get to my place, I definitely want to hold that little girl." Quinn grinned, a much warmer smile than the smirk from high school. "Come on, let's go. What would you like for dinner by the way? I have steak in the fridge or we could pick up some burgers on the way... What ever you'd like. My treat."
"Burgers, I think." Santana smiled as she followed behind Quinn out of the station, watching as the woman hailed a cab. Once settled in the taxi, Santana cradled her daughter, "We don't drive much in the city and She's still too little for a car seat to fit her safely," she tried to explain about why she didn't have a carseat for the baby to make her not seem like a bad mom. "Do you live far?" Santana asked nervously.
"A little ways, but it's okay, Boston isn't nearly as big as NYC," Q smiled reassuringly before leaning up to give the cabbie the address.
A little while later, they were getting out in front of a small apartment building. Quinn pulled Santana and Ari's bags out of the trunk and paid the cabbie before heading up the door with the greasy white sack held tenuously between her teeth. Nodding at Santana to follow, she juggled the bags for a moment before getting her keys out and the door unlocked, guiding them up the stairs to another juggle before she opened the door into her small apartment. Walking in and dropping the bags by the couch, she retrieved the bag from between her teeth and gestured around.
"Welcome to Casa Fabray," she smirked wryly, "I know it's no where near as big as the Fabray house in Lima, but I've found that you really don't need a lot of space when you live alone."
Santana smiled when she saw the familiar decorations that followed Quinn's personality. "It's lovely, Q." She stated. Santana put down her large purse/diaper bag on the couch with her bags and unhooked the sling for the baby. She looked around the small one bedroom apartment with a smile, "It's very you," She noted, as she picked up a lamb stuffed animal off the couch. "can't believe you still have this thing." Santana remarked as she brought it to Ari's head and made a kissing sound when it touched her skin. Arianna giggled and squirmed in her mom's arms.
"You gave it to me," Quinn shrugged, not willing to admit it was one of her favorite items, and she always packed it deliberately when she moved, "it just tends to follow me. I'm surprised it's survived this long, to be honest. Now," she stated firmly, setting the burger bag in the kitchen and coming back out with her arms open and a bright smile, "I believe I was promised a proper introduction to the littlest Lopez."
"Sap," Santana rolled her eyes but she popped the little beenie that looked like a tiger off her head and smoothed out her hair. "Go see auntie Quinn," She whispered to the girl as she handed her daughter to the first non-relative stranger to ever hold her. She watched for signs of angst or impending tears but none came. So Santana just leaned against the couch and watched.
Quinn sank down onto the couch, her eyes wide with wonder as she gently stroked a finger over the cheek of the tiny infant in her arms. "Hi, Arianna. I'm sorry I didn't come meet you sooner. You're such a sweet little girl, not like your fireball of a mother." Quinn glanced up at Santana with a teasing smirk, "I'm sure you'll be every bit as pretty though and I know she'll never let anyone hurt you. She's really good at that."
The mother watched as she moved to sit down next to her friend. "She's five weeks today," Santana said softly. "She was nearly a month early so she's working on getting bigger, isn't that right, mija?" she cooed as she watched her baby. "She's so easy going. Maybe it's being the youngest out of four, but she's so good."
"Look at you, practically married." If there was bitterness in her friend's voice, she masked it well, hiding it behind a soft smile for the little girl in her arms. "She's a sweet little girl, San, but knowing you, I think she'll stay tiny." She handed her back after a moment, "Rachel's really lucky to have won your loyalty."
"Not married," Santana said quickly, "despite Beth and Caleb's best efforts as of late. But not married." She watched Quinn for a moment after taking Arianna back. "It took a long time to get her, but now that she's here, I can't imagine life without her," Santana said in reference to her daughter. "Rachel... she... she and I went thought some shit... her husband dying, me getting attacked and the trial and media fall out... she stuck it out with me like I stuck it out with her." Santana just shrugged like it all made sense somewhere but she didn't know where.
"But, right now? My world is this little girl and the three still at home who depend on me now," Santana said as she leaned forward to kiss her daughter's head. "I'm just thankful that God gave me this little girl."
Quinn shifted to look at Santana curiously. "If your world is the children, where does Rachel fit in?" She sounded confused. "Are you just with her because of the children? Not that being so devoted to kids isn't amazing, but...aren't you happy, San? Because you should be happy..."
"It's been a really long, really hard few months... fuck, few years... I'm just a bit overwhelmed." She shrugged, her eyes focused on her daughter. She was about to speak again when Arianna started to wail. "Sorry..." She whispered as she rocked her child, speaking in soft spanish to her as she quickly moved to unbutton the top of her shirt and work to get the child sustanace. After a moment of trying to be modest and trying to keep herself totally covered Santana finally gave up and shrugged her shoulder out of the fabric so Arianna could properly latch on to her breast.
"Sorry... She's fussy and the creeper dude next to me on the train kept leering at me when I tried to feed her." Santana sighed and turned her head to look at a wide eyed Quinn. "Fuck. Sorry. If this weirds you out, I can go into the bathroom for a bit if you want me too..."
Quinn shook her head quickly, standing up with a smile. "No. No, that's okay. I'll just go reheat our dinner so we can eat when she's done?" She swallowed past her bright smile, trying to avoid staring at her friend's breasts, "Does sound that good?"
The darker woman nodded and worked on trying to grab a burping cloth out of the bag. Her hand hit a piece of paper and she pulled it out. It was a note from Rachel. She read it over and smiled before sliding it back in the bag and getting a cloth to drape over her breast. "I'm covered up now, you're safe." Santana called over her shoulder as she ran her fingers through the baby's hair. "I forget that most people don't need to see that. Social causality of no having any friends."
"It really isn't a big deal, Santana." Quinn called out, coming out of the kitchen area with the burgers and fries divided onto to plates. "It's not like I haven't seen nursing mothers before." She set the plates on the coffee table, "It's just...you're my friend and well, you're," she blushed slightly, ducking her head, "you're you. I'm sorry, by the way. For lying to Sue about your," she nodded at Santana's chest, trying not to look for fear she'd end up staring, "you know. I shouldn't have done that."
"We all did stupid shit. I had the chance to deny it but I didn't." Santana shrugged, "It's fine though, not a big deal. And for the record? I never told Sue about your situation. That wasn't me." She rolled her eyes when Arianna pulled the cloth off her head so she could look at her mom. "Hi, pretty, did you think I left?" She teased her baby, "I can't leave you've got my boob." she smiled and looked over to Quinn. "That smells so good. I haven't had a burger in forever, which one doesn't have cheese?"
"That one," Quinn pointed at the plate closest to Santana and picked up her own gooey bacon cheeseburger, biting into it with a low hum of pleasure. "Oh god, this is delicious. I don't indulge very often, so you are my perfect excuse today. And, for the record, I knew you didn't tell. It wasn't that hard to get who did from Jewfro though I was mildly astonished to learn that Rachel really did give up a pair of her panties to him to try and keep it quiet." She shook her head, "I didn't deserve someone like that as my friend back then." She offered Santana a wistful smile, a blob of cheese and mayo on the corner of her lips before her tongue darted out to lick it away. "You're really lucky to have someone with that kind of loyalty in your corner."
Once Arianna stopped eating and Santana was fully clothed again she laid the baby on a blanket on the floor as she picked up her burger. She looked at it with a little guilt but took a small bite. "She's kinda amazing." Santana said as she swallowed, she took a few more bites in silence before pushing the other half aside so she could drink some water. "I haven't had meat regularly in a long time. Even before Rachel, my ex-husband didn't like me eating meat because of calories and now Rachel and the kids are vegetarian and kosher so it's easier to just be that way."
"Your ex-husband was a douche, San." Quinn rolled her eyes, "I wish you would have called me before you married him and all those horrible things happened. I didn't think we were that far from friends when we graduated..."
"I just needed a clean break you know... after everything that went down senior year. You were going to stay in Lima for university and I needed to get out. I went to London, I met him and he dominated my whole life. I couldn't keep in contact if I wanted to, but I didn't have much contact with anyone. Evidently that's normal in abuse... I don't really know. But, yeah. I wish you had stopped me..."
"Rachel doesn't do any of that, does she?" Quinn asked softly, "I know you said you don't have any friends beside her and her kids..."
"No. God, no!" Santana said quickly, "That's of my own choosing. I worked too damn hard and I don't trust anyone. I have Rachel. I have the kids and I have Beth. And now I hope I have you... It's not like Rachel has friends other than Puck so it's not like that this time. I promise."
Quinn breathed a soft sigh of relief, "Oh, that's good. And of course you have me." She ate silently for a moment before curling her lips with a wry chuckle, "For being the popular girl in school, I don't have any friends to speak of besides you."
"Is this falling into those were the good old days or the best years of our life conversation is it? Cause that's pretty sad and we're not nearly drunk enough to get that going." She chucked as she ate a couple fries.
Quinn laughed. "Oh God, it would be depressing if high school was the best days of our lives, wouldn't it? I was so miserable back then."
"Yeah, me too." Santana replied. "But its done and we get over it, right?" Santana asked hopefully as she looked at the blonde.
"Definitely," Quinn replied, raising one of the glasses of tea she brought out earlier with a smile, "I for one am far happier now than I ever was in high school. Even if I am practically aromantic by this point, I have my work and there is little more rewarding for me."
Santana took the tea with a smile. "Thanks, I'm glad to hear you're happy," she ran her fingers through her hair. "Tell me what's been going on in the last few years?"
Quinn pushed her plate back and sat for a moment, staring off into space as she swirled her ice around her glass. "Not a great deal, to be honest. I went to college in Lima then came here to get my Masters at Simmons." She glanced at Santana out of the corner of her eye with a tiny smile, "I'd always thought I'd stay in Lima, become a real estate agent and marry Finn. But he was so obsessed with Berry that there was no chance that could work, even after she got married to Jesse, and I did a lot of thinking senior year."
She took a sip of her tea, "About Beth. I even tried talking to Rachel about it a couple of times, figuring she'd have some crazy insight on how it felt to be given up by your mom." She laughed, shaking her head. "Would you believe she got her father to take me to visit where he works in Columbus? Did you know her father's a social worker? Don't ever tell her this, but that visit made me realize that maybe I couldn't be the mom Beth needed, but I could make sure that other kids like her got to be with the moms they needed." She nodded, "Maybe there were a few flings with guys - and girls," she added with a knowing smirk, "but nothing serious. How about you? How did you manage to get into Rachel Berry's argyle chastity belt?"
The new mother rolled her eyes and smiled, "I always knew you had a little bit of queer in you." She smirked as she knelt next to her baby and began changing her diaper and putting her into her Batman pajamas. "I mean that's really amazing what you do, Quinn. I don't think I could do it." She looked over her shoulder with a smile.
"But Rachel and I happened when her oldest child ran into my legs at a coffee shop across from work. They were visiting Jesse and then we started hanging out." she shrugged, "I needed a friend and so did she. Prior to her coming back into my life I was mostly just focused on work. I got married really young - like really young - and stayed in that until I couldn't anymore. I mean it was fine what I remember of it. I just remember being really lonely... England was amazing and I miss my house there, but it was really lonely because Tobias would work and then I'd work and come home and go to sleep."
"Now I know that it wasn't that simple - that other shit was going down without me knowing - but you know, I thought I was in love so... yeah." Santana licked her lips and kept talking softly once she got the baby dressed and put little gloves on her hands so she couldn't scratch herself. "Then I moved to NYC and got to be COO and that's cool. I love my job, and I miss it right now..."
"If you miss it so much," Quinn shrugged, sipping her tea, "why not go back to it? Yes, I know you have little Arianna there to take care of, but surely if Rachel's all lovey-dovey with you like she got with her boyfriends, she'd be happy to step up and help take care of her during meetings and the like so you can work..."
"I know." She sighed, "But like... I'm working from home and trying to get everything done, but I'm so tired, like so fucking tired, Quinn." She whispered, "I just don't have the energy to get up in the morning." she looked down at the baby and sighed, "I love my daughter. I love the rest of my kids too... but I think that I just... I think that something is wrong. It's just harder then before."
"Maybe you should see someone." Quinn suggested, "Lord knows I had to after Beth. You remember how I was in high school. I just," she fumbled for a phrase to sum up the last two years of school together, "didn't care after she was gone. I didn't care about me, about anyone I dated, about school or cheerleading... I started desperately fumbling for something to fill that hole she left in my life when Shelby took her away. Prom Queen," her lips twitched in a wry smirk, "Skank..."
"You were sexy as hell as a Skank," Santana smiled, "I don't know.. when I lost my first baby..." she swallowed looking down at her daughter as she slept, "I never dealt with it. I just moved on, I went through some stuff and got through it and it still feels like I'm missing something." She sighed, "I love Arianna... I love her more than anything in this world and I love the older kids but I just don't feel like myself. I stopped taking medications a few years ago when Rachel asked me too and I thought I had gotten better."
"San, you also just had a baby," Quinn let out a soft, almost disbelieving laugh, "Hormonally and emotionally, you're all over the place. You could have gotten better, but right now, you have to readjust. Maybe you need a prescription to help or maybe you just need someone to help you work through it via verbal therapy. There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes, San. I bet Rachel tells you that too. Lord knows she told me often enough." She rolled her eyes at the memories.
"Yeah, she told me that before I left, but I can't take any medications while I'm nursing." Santana sighed. "I missed you," the woman whispered, her head tilting to look at Quinn. "I missed my best friend. Like, I love Rachel and she's amazing and positive and a great mom... but you know me..." She looked down ashamed and guilty that she was sharing more about her feelings with a woman she hadn't seen in years then she had with her girlfriend.
"I missed my slutty second in command too," Quinn teased, trying to break the tension in the room, "Just wasn't any fun trying to cheer in college without you and B around. And San, maybe I haven't seen you in over ten years, but some things never change, like your "I just did something wrong and feel totally guilty" face. It's quite similar to some of the kids I work with, come to think of it."
Santana's eyes flickered up and glared at her, "I just... It's hard to talk to Rachel about some stuff like I don't want her to hate me or like be grossed out by me or God... I'm their provider! If I'm broken, they lose someone else they relied on," she sighed and looked down. "But, my life isn't really that important. Tell me more about you, i'm tired of bitching."
"Santana," Quinn's voice was soft, "you're my best friend. Your life is important. If you're serious about Rachel, then you need to tell her how you feel at some point and trust that she won't hate you or be grossed out or whatever it is you're afraid of. And from what I remember of her, it is really hard to make her hate you and I tried, so..." she shrugged. "But, until you can talk to her, well, what's a best friend for it you can't rant and rave at her?" She smiled warmly, "You can talk to me about anything, S. I promise this isn't high school anymore. I won't go telling your secrets to anyone you don't want me too."
Santana nodded and fixated her gaze on the baby in her lap. "I don't even know what's wrong. When I lost my first baby, I was okay. When I was getting hit, I was okay. When I was fucking around in high school because I was sad, it was okay. When I found out I had been getting raped for years... I was fucking okay. But like, now? When I have a beautiful healthy baby, a girlfriend who honestly cares about me, three amazing kids, and a successful recording company..." She rested her head back and sighed, "I feel like I'm sabotaging it."
Quinn sighed softly and scooted over until she could rest a hand on Santana's shoulder. "San, I'm not a therapist, I'm just your friend but... honestly? Were you really okay with all of that or were you just putting on the Lopez mask and moving on like one of Sue's good little soldiers?"
She snorted slightly, "Please, I thought they were the same thing." she looked up not really having noticed when Quinn moved closer. her breath caught slightly and she quickly looked back down.
Quinn laughed, "So they are, but really, San, from the things you've been saying, I think you weren't really okay with any of that, but you didn't really deal with any of it either." She gently rubbed her shoulder, unaware of her friend's reaction of their physical closeness, "So now everything's jumping on you now that it's safe for it to come out. Trust me, I get it."
"yeah..." she whispered and ran her hand over her daughter's stomach as she slept. "I... I should put her to bed." Santana swallowed, not really sure how she was getting to the hotel she had gotten for the night. She was feeling nervous about her reaction to Quinn and focusing on her baby was the easy way to disregard it.
"I suppose," Quinn murmured, her hand slipping from Santana's shoulder as she moved to start cleaning up. She was a bit sad that Santana had opted for a hotel instead of staying with her - she'd had some lingering dream of a sleepover like atmosphere, but it was patently ridiculous. They were both adults, Santana had her baby girl with her and there simply wasn't room in her small apartment. "Do you want me to call you a taxi to your hotel?"
Santana tried to move her daughter to only be met with a loud scream, "I think someone likes it here." Santana stated as she tried to calm down her daughter by standing up and bouncing her. "Come on, baby girl, you don't wanna impose on Auntie Q... we can see her tomorrow."
Quinn brightened slightly, "It's no imposition if you want to stay, San. You're both more than welcome in my home. I know I don't have a lot of room, but the couch is a futon..." She couldn't quite hide the hopeful tint to her voice, not looking forward to spending the night alone in her apartment after having someone she could honestly call her friend visit for the first time in years.
"Is that okay?" Santana asked, "I don't like hotels really and Arianna is screaming." She tried to soothe the baby down, but she wasn't having it. "Please, baby girl, stop crying. I know you miss your mama, please just calm down." She whispered rubbing her back.
She winced slightly at the sheer volume of Ari's cries, but smiled anyway. "Of course it's okay. I offered, didn't I? Is she okay?"
"She's fussy at night." Santana sighed and tried to calm her daughter down, "Please, baby," she whispered against the girl's head and tried to soothe her. "Please stop crying, you're okay. Just scared, you're okay."
Quinn bit her lip for a moment afraid to offer, then reached out, "Can I try? I'm pretty good with the little ones at the orphanage..."
Santana nodded and handed the baby over to Quinn. Once her arms were free she quickly went into the bag and searched for the sweater she borrowed from Rachel. However, once Ari realized that her mom wasn't holding her anymore, she started flailing and screaming even louder than before. Quinn recoiled in startled shock as a little fist smacked her right in the nose, making her eyes water.
"Oh god, if I ever thought she wasn't your daughter..." she sniffed, tipping her head back at the first trickle of warmth coming out at the second wallop to avoid bleeding on the baby.
Santana looked up and gasped, "Ari! Baste!" She called as she took the little girl and leaned her against her chest, zipping the zipper of the hoodie up as she held the girl. After a few moments of crying, she stopped and Santana silently thanked God. When Arianna started pawing at her sweatshirt she realized it - she missed Rachel. She bit her lip to stop the tears that threatened and went over to Quinn. She carefully wiped the blood off the blonde's nose.
"I'm so sorry." she whispered, "She's not normally that bad."
Quinn chuckled ruefully, grabbing a tissue from the end table and pinching her nose. "Trust me, I've received far worse than a bloody nose. She's just a baby, San. She doesn't know any better. Though I think I like the idea of your baby girl being just as much of a fireball as her mom." She smiled despite her watery eyes, "What's so special about that sweatshirt anyway?"
"Smells like Rachel." Santana replied softly as she comforted her daughter, "Rachel normally gets up with her while I'm dealing with the other guys when she's like this..." She rubbed the back of her baby who was doing her best to imitate a baby koala perfectly against her chest. "Sorry... she flails a little when she's upset. I think she gets like nightmares or something... I don't really know."
"Wow," Quinn daubed at her nose a couple of times then tossed the bloody tissue away when it seemed like the bleeding had stopped, "you might not be married, but you certainly act like you are." She smiled a bit enviously. "I doubt it's nightmares, though I'm certainly not an expert. If it is or isn't, you'll have to wait until she starts talking to find out. Though, with Rachel influencing her," she smirked, "there's a good chance she'll never shut up after she does start talking."
"Right? She never really cries, but when she does it's good." Santana smiled and sat down hugging her.
"I'm sure she'll take after her mom then," Quinn smirked, standing up, "both of them. Would you like some coffee or something? I can brew a pot if you're interested..."
"I'm fine with tea, thanks." Santana smiled, "I'll call the hotel and tell them we're not coming." She said quietly as she pulled out her phone and quickly dialed the number. She talked for a few moments before hanging up and calling Rachel. She spoke in a hushed tone and then held the phone up to the baby's ear. A soft lullaby was lulling around the room as Rachel sung to the baby.
Quinn came back in with fresh tea, but paused to lean against wall and listen for a moment. "That certainly takes me back," she murmured, shaking her head with a quiet smile. "Annoying as she was, even I have to admit that she could sing. Say hi to her for me?"
Santana looked up and blushed and took the phone away when Rachel had finished. "Hey baby?" She whispered, "Quinn says hi... I'm gonna stay with her tonight instead of going to the hotel... Yeah, I canceled it, don't worry... Yeah... I'll call the kids in the morning okay... you too.." She blushed looking away from Quinn for a moment. "Alex is awake? Lemme talk to him... Hey, baby boy, why are you still awake?... Oh I know, mijo, but I'll be home tomorrow night.... I love you so much too, okay... What? Arianna's asleep, you can tell her about school play-group tomorrow okay? Alright, mommy loves you and go to sleep okay?" When Alex finally gave up and went to bed Santana said goodbye once more and hung up and put her phone down.
"Sorry." Santana whispered, as she carefully took off the sweater and wrapped Arianna up in it and laid her on the futon. "Duty calls sometimes..."
"It's alright. I wish I had people who I could talk to like that when I'm out of town. Here," Quinn walked over and gave her the mug of tea, "something to calm down before bed. Chamomile and peppermint. It tends to help me relax after a long day. I've been drinking it since high school, believe it or not." She took a sip from her own mug. "San, can I ask you something?"
Santana took the mug and brought her knees to her chest, "I mean... If you're a cranky three year old I can make that happen." Santana teased before taking a sip of her tea. "Shoot."
"Oh, haha, very funny." She rolled her eyes, "Whatever. I'm just curious, San. Are you happy now? I mean beyond how you feel right now. Are you happy with Rachel and her kids?"
Santana looked down at her hands and thought for a few minutes. "First, Alex is my son. he always has been. I was there when he was born and I cared for him every day of his life. Caleb and Kayla are amazing and I love them as much as Ari and Alex. I do love Rachel. I do. I just... sometimes wonder if we, like, rushed it. She was in a relationship forever and then he died and I needed someone safe maybe..."
Quinn nodded, looking down into her mug as she swirled her tea around. "So you're... not happy?" She sounded uncertain of her question, "Do you ever wish things had turned out different and you weren't together?"
"Quinn..." Santana sighed, "I... I don't think I can answer that. I'm happy. Okay? I'm happy."
"Oh," she nodded, smiling briefly, "Okay. Um, I guess I'll let you get to sleep." She stood, taking another sip from her mug to hide her flusteredness, "I'll see you in the morning, okay? If you need me, I'm just in the other room."
Santana sighed and watched Quinn walk into the bedroom. She silently got her shorts and a button-down shirt to sleep in and headed into the bathroom to change. She came out and settled her clothing back into her bag and sat down on the futon with her iPad to work a little bit. After a few hours she was still awake and Arianna woke up hungry. So not even thinking about it she unbuttoned her shirt and let her daughter rest against her bare skin as she softly sung to her.
In her room, Quinn lay on her bed staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. She hadn't thought it'd be so hard seeing Santana again. Hadn't thought seeing that beautiful baby girl of hers would dredge up how much she missed her own baby girl. When the soft sound of Santana singing trickled into her room, she had to blink back a tear.
It wasn't fair. Rachel got everything Quinn had ever wanted, even now. A family. Children. A successful, albeit unexpected for her, career.
Santana.
She rolled over and buried her face into the pillow, years of growing up Fabray teaching her how to cry all but silently and muffle the sounds that did escape to avoid disturbing anyone else. She could get past it - she always did - but in that moment, it just hurt having everything she'd ever wanted seem just within reach only to be swept away by Hurricane Berry sweeping through her life again. She would be fine come morning - it was only the latent pangs of a high school crush that had never truly died - but she promised herself that if Rachel ever hurt the woman spending the night on her couch, she would be there to help pick up the pieces. She swore to herself that no matter what, she would be there for her best friend in whatever manner Santana wanted her.
She was her best friend. And if Rachel freaking Berry was what it took to make her happy, then Quinn Fabray would support them. It wasn't time for high school oneupsmanship any longer.
She just wanted her best friend to be happy again.
Chapter Nineteen